Interim Online Review

15/02/2011

Jonathan Pearmain
The Development

Here are links to the key posts that follow the journey of my stories
development:

Story Analysis:
http://jonathanpearmain.blogspot.com/2011/02/concept-unit-4-
beginning.html

Initial Character Ideas:

http://jonathanpearmain.blogspot.com/2011/02/concept-character-
first-attempt.html

First talks with Paul (Writing Partner):

http://jonathanpearmain.blogspot.com/2011/02/concept-talking-it-
over-with-paul.html

Thoughts after chatting with Phil:

http://jonathanpearmain.blogspot.com/2011/02/development-after-
chat-with-phil.html

Refining Ideas:
http://jonathanpearmain.blogspot.com/2011/02/development-
zeroing-in.html

First Script Draft:

http://jonathanpearmain.blogspot.com/2011/02/development-script-
first-draft.html

Re-thinking:
http://jonathanpearmain.blogspot.com/2011/02/development-
picking-it-all-apart.html

Café Chat:
http://jonathanpearmain.blogspot.com/2011/02/development-cafe-
chat.html

Influence Map:
http://jonathanpearmain.blogspot.com/2011/02/development-
influence-map.html

Beat Outline:
http://jonathanpearmain.blogspot.com/2011/02/development-beat-
outline.html
The Treatment
It is a clear and cold night. San Francisco sits in early March, it’s
misty and damp. The famous ‘Heroes’ Cemetery’ lies at the eastern
end of Golden Gate Park, near the baseball field. Usually the hum of
traffic can be heard from the nearby Lincoln way, but tonight it’s oddly
quiet.
Inside the cemetery however, all is not quiet. A figure slips over the
side wall, landing lightly; a cape on its back making it seems like some
large bat. It flits between the gravestones, making its way towards the
large mausoleum situated at the centre of the cemetery. Emerging into
the light cast by the mausoleum’s interior, Walter Bentley is revealed.
He is thin, limp, his arms and legs overlong, while his back seems unable
to support his overly large head. His face is triangular in shape, a
bulging forehead tapering to an ugly point of a chin. Large thick
spectacles sit at the end of his large, permanently dripping nose,
behind which beady, weak eyes stare in awe. His mouth hangs open,
large uneven teeth filling the gap. His costume is clearly handmade but
is certainly the result of a lot of effort; a large purple lighting flash is
blazoned upon his chest, declaring him to be ‘Lethal Lightning’, his
chosen alias. He checks an old newspaper article that confirms the
burial of ‘Captain Majestico’ in the cemetery along with his renowned
‘Hero Hat’. It also shows an image of the mausoleum’s statue. He looks
slightly unsettled at the size of the structure, as if it dwarfed the image
he held in his mind. However, he musters his courage and enters inside.

The inside of the mausoleum is warmly lit by wall mounted braziers,

their flickering light distorting the interiors shadows. At the far end of the
hall sits the grave. It’s ornate, raised upon an elegant plinth. Towering
over stands a statue of the man himself, standing as an eternal sentinel
over his body, an eternal sentinel over the cemetery, the city, the
world, over morality itself. Majestico’s handsome face smiles
confidently as his stone-carved eyes still manage their charming
twinkle. On his head sits a stone replica of his hat, the famous ‘Hero
hat’, the alien artefact that enhanced his already impressive powers. It
that hat that has brought Walter here tonight, for it sits in the tomb at
the statue’s feet.
However, in-between the coffin and the entrance sit a series of safe
guards to deter any unwarranted intruder. A steep ramping leading to
three sets of crushing pillars that open and close with mighty force.
Beyond that is a gauntlet of darts followed by a cunningly wrought
floor of strong paving stones along side weak ones that will crumble
and ditch the walker in a pit of spikes. Finally a series of jets that cause
wall of fire to fill the hall.
Walter gulps, his weedy body shaking. Then he imagines the hat
upon his own head and his eyes are filled with greed and malice. To
convince himself he closes his eyes and imagines himself overcoming
the lethal assault course. In his minds eye he quickly scales the ramp,
his muscular legs pumping himself up it. Timing his leap perfectly, he
sails through the gap in the first set of crushing pillars. He lands rolling
across the lower surface of the second one, jumping off just as its
counterpart comes smashing down. It seems that he won’t make the
third one in time. But no! Using his strength, he holds it up long enough
to diver out. Sailing through the air, he perfectly distorts himself to avoid
the hail of darts. Landing at a run he leaps across the paving, jumping
from solid stone to solid stone with utter most confidence. His last jump
takes him swiftly through the rapidly forming wall of fire. He lands, the
edges of his cape singed. His muscles bulge as he stands tall and
proud, his chest jutting out. His handsome yet wise face sneers with self-
confidence as he sweeps his fiery hair from his eyes.

Walter shakes himself out of his vision, and the reality of his skinny
form, limp limbs and spotty, unpleasant face becomes all too clear.
Walter on the contrary seems convinced of his success. He takes his first
bold step on the ramp. Suddenly, an unseen trapdoor in the roof opens
and a large bolder drops through. It crashes into the other end of the
ramp, which is revealed to be a cunningly concealed see-saw. The
other end catapults Walter through a conveniently placed hole in the
roof. The see-saw resets itself and the boulder is sent rolling out the
door.

Recovering on the grass outside, Walter looks around to see his is

surrounded by other crumpled forms dressed in super-villain garb, for a
moment his looks surprised, then the rolling bolder crushes him to
death.
Step Outline
EXT. HEROES’ CEMETERY. NIGHT.

Walter has crept into the cemetery. He is quickly reading an old

newspaper article that confirms the burial of ‘Captain Majestico’ in the
cemetery along with his renowned ‘Hero Hat’. It also shows an image
of the mausoleum’s statue. He creeps through the graves, moving
quickly. He reaches the mausoleum, it’s a lot bigger than he was
expecting! He gathers his courage and makes his way inside.

INT. CPT. MAJESTICO’S MAUSOLEUM. NIGHT

Upon entering the mausoleum, Walter catches sight of the huge

commemoratory statue, then realises its at the far end of the
mausoleum’s hall, and in between him and it are a daunting series of
traps, perils and dangers. He gulps in fear and nearly bottles out,
retreating towards the door. He then imagines himself wearing the hat,
and realises how much he wants it; so he focuses and begins to
imaging how he might over come these obstacles.

Walking forward up the ramp in front of him he leaps boldly towards

the first of the crushing blocks, leaping through the minimal gap, he
lands and rolls through the next set. It seems he’ll never make it through
the third, but no! Using his strength, he holds it up just long enough to
get through. He leaps, and dodges the poisonous dart fired from the
walls. He hops along the floor, missing each of the crumbling tiles that
reveal the spiked floor below. He makes one final huge jump, clearing
the jets of fire. He lands, the muscles bulging, with no sign of sweat on
his forehead. His ruggedly handsome face smiles smugly as his cape
flies out behind him…

Walter shakes himself out of this vision, and we’re reminded of his
lank, spotty and limp appearance. However, Walter will not be
deterred; full of confidence his takes his first bold step on the ramp.
Suddenly, an unseen trapdoor in the roof opens and a large bolder
drops through. It crashes into the other end of the ramp, which is
revealed to be a cunningly concealed see-saw. The other end
catapults Walter through a conveniently placed hole in the roof. The
see-saw resets itself and the boulder is sent rolling out the door.

Recovering on the grass outside, Walter looks around to see his is

surrounded by other crumpled forms dressed in super-villain garb, for a
moment his looks surprised, then the rolling bolder crushes him to
death.
The Premise
A reminder of the just deserts of greed and thievery, a victory of the just
over criminality.

The Logline
Wannabe super-villain, Walter Bentley (a.k.a ‘Lethal Lightning) is set on
the stealing the magical ‘Hero Hat’ from the mausoleum of the world’s
greatest super-hero, Captain Majestico. But the ‘Heroes’ Garden’
cemetery offers no easy pickings…
Character Bios
The Over-Ambitious Super-Villain

Name: ‘Lethal Lightning’ a.k.a. Walter Bentley

Role: Protagonist, Anti-Hero
Audience Attitude: Despise the little sod, and can’t wait for his down
fall.

Sex: Male
Age: 20
Citizenship: USA
Country of Birth: USA

Physical Appearance: Wimpy and slouched when he’s not attempting

to look like a super villain. His greasy ginger hair is plastered to his head,
except in moments of extreme excitement. He wears large, thick
glasses that look huge on his small, thin face. His face essentially
consists of weak eyes, a humongous forehead and large buck teeth.
His costume is the result of over a year of work, stitching and sticking
what he can together; its main colour is purple, complimented by
black, its logo being a purple streak of lightning. The costume still looks
a little hap hazard here and there, but it’s not bad for an amateur.

Bio: Walter was born believing he was destined for greatness, born into
a world with far too many pompous, over zealous super-heroes,
spineless sycophants who were essentially glorified boy scouts. Oh yes
then could catch a stray missile when it really mattered, but most of
the time they just helped ladies across the country and cleared debris
off train tracks. And the villains weren’t much better, enthusiastic
practical jokers who thoughts all you needed to be evil was a sinister
laugh and a weak handshake. But Walter was different, disregarding
any sense of morality or ethics, he would be the greatest and evilest
super-villain to have terrorized the USA, and maybe the world!
Unfortunately he had to wait, and the international board of super-
beings refused to give him a permit on two reasons. One, he was under
the required age, twenty-one, secondly, he had no actual
superpowers. Walter, who believed himself to be superior to everyone
else on every single level (was that not a super power in itself?!) was
devastated, and swore vengeance. He made himself a costume and
then swore to do what no one else had ever tempted before, to his
knowledge. Steal the hat of the greatest super-hero that had ever
lived: Captain Majestico. Possession of that wondrous artefact would
make Walter unbeatable. All he had to do was steal it from the
mausoleum dedicated to the hero in the heroes’ cemetery “Heroes’
Gardens”…
The (Deceased) Greatest Super-Hero in the World

Name: Captain Majestico (a.k.a Unknown)

Role: Embodiment of the Environment vs the Protagonist
Audience Attitude: Respect the sanctity of his tomb, willing him to foil
the protagonist’s plans.

Sex: Male
Age: Died age 112
Citizenship: USA
Country of Birth: Italy

Physical Appearance: Tall, handsome, muscular and smart are all

applicable words for the Captain. As the greatest super-hero that has
ever lived, his appearance fitted all expectations. His face was
chiselled and charming, his thin moustache expertly curled. His hero-
suit was inspired by a magician tops and tails, suiting to his hero style.
The formal dress gave him an air of sternness and authority. Prehaps
the best know article of clothing however was his hat. An artefact
recovered from an alien ship Majestico once fought off, it trebled the
hero’s already impressive powers. It was shaped as a tall top hat and
was fairly simple in terms of design, thought Majestico did add the
occasional trophy from various heroic acts, slotting them into the rim.

Bio: Captain Majestico came to America in the migratory surge in the

early1990s, along with his family, he was very young. They were part of
a group of people urged to move on by their government for being
‘unskilled’, an effort to save to ‘Sicilian problem’. A decade or so after
arriving in America, after the First World War, Majestico’s powers began
to reveal them selves. He could perform magic, real magic. He could
transport things, vanish things, change things, levitate objects and
hypnotise people, he could also create doves and rabbits at will…
though he’s never reported to have used that particular ability to save
anyone. It was around the time that the Universal Super-Being Guild
was started, after several super-beings were revealed in the fight of
WWI. Majestico applied and was readily accepted. Soon after he and
a few other notable superheroes fought off an alien invasion,
unbeknownst to the public, since they chose the moon as the battle
ground (the technology to reach the moon wasn’t made widely
available till the 1950s). During that battle, Majestico recovered what
seemed to be a highly attractive top hat. It turned out to be an
amplifier of mental attributes, and since Majestico power came from
his mind, it trebled his power. He became the leading face of the
USBG, the greatest super-hero in the world. He died of old age in the
early 2000s, and caused world wide mourning, the greatest since the
revered super-heroine Princess Diana of the UK had died in a tragic
accident. He was interred in the legendary ‘Heroes’ Garden’ and his
body, costume and hat buried in a mighty mausoleum dedicated to
his owner. The mausoleum served as a monument to the Captain, and
as a guard for anyone foolish enough to attempt a grave robbery…
Three Act Structure

Act 1:

 The Setup
o Establishes Captain Majestico as a hero and his artefact
the ‘Hero’s Hat’.
o Establishes Walter as a lame villain who poses a threat to
Cpt. Majestico’s safety.
 Incident
o Walter finds the mausoleum and the coffin/statue inside,
where the hat is.
o He finds out its guarded by a large array of painful looking
traps and devices.

Act 2:

 First Main Reversal.

o Walter must now overcome these traps in order to get to
the hat, something he really hadn’t planned on doing.
 The Increasing Conflict
o Gathering his courage Walter imagines himself
overcoming the course, his fantasy becoming evermore
heroic, dramatic and far fetched. He completes the
course a handsome, strong super-being, “Lethal
Lightning!”
 Seeming Defeat
o We are taken back to reality, to see Walter's limp and
lanky form.
Act 3:

 Pre-Climax Build
o However, Walter will not back down. He tenses, puts on a
brave face and takes his first step.
 Climax/Anti-Climax
o Suddenly, an unseen trapdoor in the roof opens and a
large bolder drops through. It crashes into the other end of
the ramp, which is revealed to be a cunningly concealed
see-saw. The other end catapults Walter through a
conveniently placed hole in the roof. The see-saw resets
itself and the boulder is sent rolling out the door.
 End
o Recovering on the grass outside, Walter looks around to
see his is surrounded by other crumpled forms dressed in
super-villain garb, for a moment his looks surprised, then
the rolling bolder crushes him to death.