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STO LEN @ 3:19 PM SEPTEMBER 5 T H , 2006

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HOW NOT TO START AN ESSAY

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solri
Since from_ashes was so kind as to ask me, here is my
demonology of student writing, though in this case the
examples are from introductions rather than conclusions.

Vapid comparison

"When we compare Plato and Aristotle, we can see some

similarities and some differences."
Well of course. If we compare any two things, we can see
some similarities and some differences.

Mangled passive-voice thesis statements

"In this paper, it will be asked whether Neo is a Christ-

figure." This one is the fault, not of students, but of those
stupid writing textbooks which tell them to avoid the first
person as though it were a contagious disease.

Personal reminiscence

This is where you start your essay by relating a personal

experience that provides a striking introduction to your
subject. It's largely found in journalism of the Time variety
("I was sipping mint tea in the al-Khazi Hotel when the
bomb exploded ...") but a few academic writers manage it
successfully. However, in order to pull off this stunt, you
need to have had some experience that is both striking
and pertinent, and this is rarely the case with first-year
university students writing about Plato. (To be fair, Plato
himself can be guilty of irrelevant and tedious
reminiscence.)

Urban legends

Start an essay by saying that Eskimos have a hundred

words for snow, or that we only use 20% of our brains, and
you're toast.

Pointless attempts to prove the importance of the

subject

This is perhaps another case where teachers rather than

students are to blame. It is true that the introductions of
academic papers frequently contain some indication of the
importance of the subject matter, usually in a desperate
attempt to make someone flipping through a journal slow
down and read the paper ("Recent research in
paleohysterectomy has highlighted the pivotal role of
bifurcal polyglutinism"). However, when this filters through
to students in Freshman English classes, it results in
statements like "Plato was a very important philosopher."

"From the beginning of history ..."

Do you really know what was going on at the beginning of

history? And how can it possibly be relevant to your essay?
Worse still (though thankfully rarer) is "From the beginning
of time". At the beginning of time, there was the Big Bang,
or God was moving on the face of the waters. Whatever
was going on, it has nothing to do with your essay.

"All over the world ..."

Oh yes? Does that include Papua New Guinea?

"Day by day ..."

I don't know why I hate this one so much - I just do.

We must be thankful that the advent of the millennium
has put an end to all those essays that start "As we
approach the twenty-first century ..."