A Humble Suggestion

Shane Farrow As different forms of media have increased in popularity in the United States, federal offenses have become more and more publicized. This has come to serve two purposes: to inform the public of these heinous crimes, as well as to desensitize them to it. While the first objective is admirable in any country that capitalizes itself on a wellinformed society, the latter presents a potential issue. By desensitizing possible criminals from the acts they may commit, they become more likely to offend. Sexual offenders are typically impressionable people- many of those convicted come from backgrounds of domestic abuse, where strains and strands seem to follow them into adolescence and adulthood. However, as many go on to become repeat offenders, the rehabilitation efforts of prisons seem to be futile. If the individuals who commit these crimes are impressionable, then the clearest path is to simply choose a more imprinting punishment. With all facts presented and on behalf of the family of all victims and the commonwealth of society, I advocate violent sodomizing for a period of seven hours prior to a convicts release if the sexual crimes committed add up to more than seven years of incarceration. The medium in which this is to be achieved will be with the African vuvuzela, (horn first) as sports fans have unanimously conceded that theres nothing worse than having that thing stuck in your head. Perhaps there is something worse, and the modifications to where the object is specifically stuck is our best attempt. There are some that will argue the time length, the object used, or the action of violate sodomizing in itself as a deterrent, which is why I also intend to discuss why the three synchronize harmoniously as a composition.

To justify the furious insertion of African noisemakers into those convicted of sexual offenses, we need to look at the primary objective of the criminal justice system: to protect the commonwealth of the people, which I intend to prove supersedes the clause regarding cruel and unusual punishment. That specific policy was drafted together to give wiggle room to defendants to argue if a punishment dealt is widely seen as unfair or unfit for the specific crime. However, I put forth two specific contentions to preemptively remove that defense: this punishment would be purposely crafted so that it did fit the crime the guilty are convicted of, giving the consequence context, and secondly, the lack of humanity in these convicts frees us from having to differentiate between them and beasts when judgment is dealt. And while I stand in the firmest negation of animal abuse, it is a well-known fact that to teach a puppy not to go on the carpet, you rub their nose in it after. Through state-sponsored sodomizing, I believe this is being correctly emulated. The final two arguments can addressed together, as they are both details on the administration, not objections to the act. To table the time issue, seven hours had come about after mathematical consideration of the previous analogy. If a puppys nose is to be rubbed in their own mess for two seconds when the problem itself can be completely alleviated in twenty, it becomes clear that the rehabilitating punishment should go on for a fraction of the time it would take for their impact to subside. However, as sexual assault victims never fully recover and the average woman lives beyond it by roughly seventy years, we were at first convinced that the only effective method of retribution would be to sentence the convict to seven years of anal invasion instead of the aforementioned seven hours. But, analysts had come to the conclusion that the incarcerated bodies would simply begin to form around that daily stress, removing the effectiveness of it over time.

The time span of seven hours was agreed upon thereafter, the reasoning being that the convicted may be sporadically assaulted by other inmates in their incarceration to compensate. And while this is not directly encouraged by correctional facilities, our board panel was informed that there was a reason that [they] have yet to offer liquid soap in the showers. The vuvuzela as the tool of choice was actually a recommendation from FIFA in hopes that a better connection would be formed between the U.S and the sport of Soccer. FIFA correspondent, when asked why the sudden step was made to aid the U.S's criminal justice program, simply responded with well, they were meant to be a pain in the ass, anyways.