Chapter 3

Overcoming Hindrances
to Grateful Giving

S ince we are created with needs that can

only be met through relationships, how we interact with one another
concerning our needs will determine the “health” and fulfillment in our families,
friendships, workplaces, and communities. In healthy relationships, a dynamic of
grateful giving is present.

Grateful giving might include:

•Initiating quality time to better know a family member or friend.

•Surprising a relative or friend with an unexpected phone call.

•Supporting people with difficult circumstances in practical ways with food,

clothing, etc.

•Volunteering as a mentor to needy children or youth.

•Remembering to acknowledge a friend’s birthday with a card, call or gift.

•Surprising a friend or family member with their favorite snack or soft drink.

Regretably, relationships at home, in the workplace, at school or in the community

are very often not characterized by grateful giving. Exploring the three common
hindrances to needs being met can assist us in becoming more of a “giving first”
person.

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Reflections on Grateful Giving: Consider Your Recent “Giving

First” Experiences to Family, Friends and Others...

•Recently I was able to “give first” to (who) __________ by____________.

•Recently I was able to show (who)___________ attention by __________.

•Recently I was able to encourage (who)__________ by ______________.

•Recently I was able to give comfort to (who)__________ by __________.

Share at least one example with your group.

Hindrances to Relational Closeness

What hinders and limits our relationships, keeping them superficial and disengaged?
What tendencies do you see in yourself that have caused relationships to struggle or
be disrupted? What blocks us from expressing more of the love our family and
friends need?

Three of the most damaging obstacles to closeness and abundance in relationships

are selfishness, self-reliance and self- condemnation.

SELFISHNESS - EXALTING OUR OWN NEEDS

“My needs are the most important!” “You owe me.” Demanding or manip-
ulating to get needs met; “taking” from others instead of patiently receiving.

A person hindered by selfishness is exalting his needs, demanding that they be met
or selfishly taking what he needs. Underlying this attitude is a belief that, “I will not
be okay unless my needs are met and I must take matters into my own hands.” We

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might see this tendency revealed by a person who talks constantly and at great
length about himself without asking about others. This behavior suggests an unmet
need for attention. Rather than trust others to inquire of him, he “demands” their
attention by dominating the conversation. In a more subtle way, selfishness may be
at work in someone who works excessively, compulsively seeking approval through a
variety of achievements. The tragedy of selfish taking is that we end up securing
only a counterfeit of that which we really need-unconditional love demonstrated
through the meeting of relational needs.

•Miss out on the joy of giving.

“Giving” to others brings an inner sense of joy that we have positively contributed
to the life of another. Giving also guards our heart from a destructive sense of our
own self-entitlement. Failure to recognize and put away this tendency can cause us
to miss out on the true joy of giving to meet others’ needs. In addition, we may
experience rejection as others are pushed away by our self-centered behavior.

•Become even more dissatisfied.

Ironically, when we selfishly “take” to have our needs met, even when someone
meets our need, we’re not satisfied. When we “take” a hug from our spouse, our
need for affection is not satisfied. When we manipulate or make demands to get
attention, even if we get it, our need is not met. When we intimidate someone into
asking our opinion, our need for respect is not satisfied. We can’t experience grate-
fulness for the affection, attention or respect we received from others because down
deep we know that it was not freely given, but we “took” it.

Selfishness doesn’t satisfy. It actually hinders our ability to experience close and
abundant relationships. Focus exclusively on our own needs and our friends will be
few!

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You Might be Hindered by “Selfish Taking” When:

•You find yourself talking more than listening.
•You are frequently disappointed by others’ lack of noticing you or expressing care.
•You become demanding towards others or often angry at their insensitivites toward
you.
•Others might at times avoid you, lose interest in you or rarely “give” to you.
Over-coming Selfishness
A. Thinking More of Others Than Yourself
Pause and Reflect:
Share with a partner or enrichment group:
Before you begin sharing, plan to listen carefully, give good eye contact and focus
your thoughts on seeking to better know your partner. Make brief notes if you
need to, but seek to remember what’s being shared.
Be slow to speak, quick to listen.
Listening Exercise: Practice listening attentively to a partner in your group as you
each take turns sharing such things as:
1. A very special person in your life as you were growing up.
2. A place you would like to visit if you could visit anywhere in the world.
3. A favorite food, snack or beverage.
4. Two words that others might use to describe you.
Pause and Reflect:
Share with a partner or enrichment group:
Now in your small group, take turns “introducing” your partner to the group. For
example: “David’s grandfather was a very accepting and supportive person in his
life. David loves visiting South Africa with his wife Teresa, especially to see her
excitement in seeing animals. A favorite food would be “chips and hotsauce” and
friends might describe David as “laid back” and “a visionary.” (Note: use as few of
your notes as possible, sharing as much as possible from memory.)

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Group Member Name Notes

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

B. Give First - Don’t Try to Overcome “Wrong with Wrong - but

Overcome Wrong with Right”
The “wrong” of selfish-taking is best overcome by grateful giving. It’s difficult to
think of yourself when you’ve focused on thinking of others (reflect on your
Listening Exercise on the previous page). Begin each day asking - “who will I give
to today?” and it will help overcome selfishness.
Pause and Reflect:
Consider now a few ideas for “giving first” to your group members based upon
what you have come to know about them.
For Example:
•I could find and send an article on their favorite place to visit.
•I could send a note or mention privately/publicly my appreciation for having seen
one of the descriptive words that others might have used to describe this group
member.
•I could ask, “what made your grandfather or other special person so meaningful in
your life - could you share a story?”
•I could surprise my group member with their favorite food, snack, etc. next time I
see him/her.

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Pause and Reflect:

Consider at least two or three “giving first” ideas you can follow through on with
members of your group between now and your next meeting.

Group Member Name Giving First Plan

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

SELF-RELIANCE - DENYING OUR NEEDS

“I don’t have any needs, but if I did, I would meet them myself.”

Self-reliance is another obstacle to genuine health and abundance in relationships.

Self-reliance reflects a denial of our neediness and stems from a core belief that, “I
don’t have any needs that cannot be met on my own.” The danger of denying our
need for others is that prideful self-reliance can develop hardness of heart and cause
us to blindly miss caring for the needs of others from a grateful heart.

Not only does self-reliance blind us from the truth of our neediness, it also inhibits
our ability and willingness to meet the needs of others. We will often minimize the
needs of others (since we refuse to validate them in ourselves). When we begin to
understand and face our own neediness, we become more understanding, sympa-
thetic, patient, caring, and respectful.

Denying our needs seriously hinders healthy relationships. If we’re not willing to
admit that we have needs, we may be reluctant to acknowledge the needs of other
people and we’ll often tend to resist meeting them.

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•If I think I don’t need comfort, I may show little empathy when someone
else needs comforting.

•If I’m unwilling to admit that I need attention, I may resist meeting even my
children’s need for attention.

•If I think everyone ought to “take care of themselves” when they are dis-
couraged, I may be reluctant to offer support or encouragement when others are
going through hard times.

When people attempt to express their needs, our attitude may be “What’s wrong
with you? I don’t have any needs, why do you?” We may impatiently resort to crit-
icism, lecturing, correcting, teaching, belittling, or just plain neglect.

Sadly, self-reliance hinders your own needs being met. When others try to comfort
us we may respond with, “I’m fine.” When someone attempts to support us we may
communicate, “I can do it myself.” In summary, two common painful outcomes
from self-reliance often are:

•Miss out on the Closeness of “Connected” Relationships and Community.

Recall the thought that “aloneness” is not good - we were made to relate!
Fulfillment in life comes in large part through the closeness of family and friend-
ships plus the connection with others in caring community. You miss out on the
intimacy that comes from others caring for you when self-reliance is not addressed.

•Miss out on the Joy of Giving

The joy of seeing others positively impacted through the thoughtfulness and caring
initiatives of our lives is missed as we entertain the self-reliant lie that “since I really
don’t need other people - why should they need me?!” Giving first to others
prompts gratitude and often a contagious giving follows as our life impacts others
with a legacy of thoughtful care.

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You might be hindered by self-reliance when:

•You are more task-focused than “people focused.”

•You often miss the important needs of others in your life.

•Others might view you as “non-relational,” cold, insensitive, aloof.

•You view others who express needs as if they are “weak”.

•You become prideful about how well you can take care of “everything” by yourself.

Pause and Reflect:

Share with a partner or enrichment group:
Consider again the important person you mentioned from your growing up. In
what ways would you say they “gave to you”?

“I sensed (who)________________ was an important person in my life especially

as he/she gave __________________.

Example: I sensed my grandfather was an important person in my life, especially as

he continued to spend quality time with me and show interest in my life, even when
as a teenager, I was very rebellious.

Overcoming Self-Reliance

A. Vulnerability with Your Own Needs, Pain & Struggles

Risking openness in “safe” relationships about our own struggles and pain is critical
to addressing the self-reliant lie.

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I need to be more open and vulnerable with (who)______________________

about __________________________________.

Example: I need to be more open and vulnerable with my small group about
my struggles with my temper.

Risking openness with family and friends about our needs, opens the way for deep-
er, closer relationships.

Pause and Reflect:

Share with a partner or enrichment group:
“It means a lot to me when a friend ____________________________.”
Example: “It means a lot to me when a friend initiates contact just to ‘check
on me.”

“I enjoy it when someone I know ______________________________.”

Example: “I enjoy it when someone I know notices I’m down, or ‘not

myself ’ and asks ‘why?’”

Take turns sharing and possibly note what each member shares:

Group Member Ideas for Caring Connection

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.
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B. Giving First

Again a critical part of breaking self-reliance is to gratefully give to others even

when our natural tendancy might be to think “they shouldn’t need me!”

Pause and Reflect:

Look at “giving first” opportinities from the previous list. Consider a giving-first
plan for two or three group members between now and your next meeting.

Group Member Name Giving First Plan

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

SELF-CONDEMNATION - CONDEMNING OUR NEEDINESS

“I think I have needs, but I feel guilty that I do. Maybe I’m needy because
there’s something wrong with me.”
A third obstacle to health and abundance in relationships is self-condemnation.
This tendency reflects a condemnation of our neediness and reveals an underlying
belief that, “There must be something wrong with me because I am needy. I’m
either inadequate or not worth having needs met.” Here, the presence of neediness
is admitted, but condemned. It might appear in a person apologizing because she
cried in your presence. You may also see self-condemnation at work if a friend
apologizes for “making an issue” of the disappointment felt when you failed to call
or drop by for several weeks.
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Most of us are unaware that these obstacles to healthy relationships are at work
within us. Few of us awoke one day and decided to begin being self-condemning or
selfish or self-reliant. We gradually developed these tendencies without conscious
awareness. A pattern of self-condemnation may be related to having received much
criticism and blame. Self-condemnation could also be related to home environ-
ments where very few relational needs were met.

Self-condemnation is a subtle trap that says:

• “I want to spend time with other people; I must be overly

dependent.”

• “I cannot do this project by myself; I guess I must be incompetent.”

• “I seem to need my spouse to encourage me; is there something wrong

with me?”
Self-condemnation robs us of life abundance in at least two ways:
•Miss Out On Gratefully Receiving from Others
Condemnation tends to block receiving from others even when they seek to initiate
care. Since condemnation tends to bring questions about my worth and value, when
a family member or friend seeks to “give” to me in some way, I might discount their
care as if it’s not true or I’m not deserving.

For Example:
Receiving Affirmation: “You’re really good at (computers, music, sports, etc.)”
might prompt, “I’m not nearly as good as I ought to be.”
Receiving Appreciation: “I really appreciate you for (your kindness, phone call,
help, etc).” might prompt, “Oh, it’s not that big a deal.”

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When our receiving is hindered, our gratitude is hindered and then our giving to
others is hindered! Those who struggle with self-condemnation tend not to be gen-
uinely grateful, joyful people.

•Miss Out on Giving First to Others

With gratitude hindered, thoughtful giving to others is often hindered. Additionally,

even as I might seek to give to others - I’m hindered in seeing that others would
really value my encouragement, my appreciation, my attention - because after all I’m
not very important anyway!

You might be hindered by “self-condemnation” when:

•You doubt why others would want to spend time with you.

•You apologize - “I’m sorry” for an excessive number of things which are not your
fault. Or, you resist admitting when you are wrong.

•You discount/reject others’ expressions of appreciation/approval.

•You often feel inadequate about many things.

•You might often avoid close relationships or relational settings.

Overcoming Self-Condemnation

A. “Receive” from Others

When given a compliment or apprecation - simply say “thank you”- don’t discount
or minimize what a friend or family member is seeking to give.

When someone wants to rejoice and celebrate with you - let them - you’re worth it!

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Pause and Reflect:

Share with a partner or enrichment group:

“One of my current joys or celebrations is ______________________________.”

Now take turns sharing and celebrating.

“I’m excited you’re getting to do that.”

“I know you must be grateful - I want to celebrate with you.” (Learn to rejoice and
celebrate with someone who is rejoicing!)

When someone wants to offer care when you’re struggling - let them - you’re worth
it!

Pause and Reflect:

Share with a partner or enrichment group:

“One of my current struggles or challenges is ____________________________.”

Now take turns sharing and offering comfort.

“That must be difficult. I’m sorry you’re going through that.”

“I’m sad for that loss, struggle, rejection, etc.” (Learn to give care when someone is
struggling/hurting.)

B. Giving First

As strange as it may be, an important part of overcoming self-condemnation is to

start giving - even when you don’t think anyone would want to receive from you!
Experiencing the grateful impact that your thoughtful initiative and caring concern
can make in the life of another, not only pleases them, but affirms to you that you
and your love matter to others!

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Pause and Reflect:

Share with a partner or enrichment group:

Consider the list of selected character qualities below and then take turns sharing
words of grateful approval with one another. Start with each person giving and
receiving at least one affirming sentence.

Selected Character Qualities:

Sensitive Understanding Resourceful

Thoughtful Creative Hospitable
Supportive Diligent Generous
Caring Dependable Grateful

“(Who)___________, I’ve come to really appreciate you for your

__________________________especially when ________________.”

“(Who)___________, I’m grateful for your _________________ as you have

______________________.”

Summary:
Contagious, grateful giving is a key to healthy homes, workplaces, friendships, com-
munities and relationships of all kinds. Overcoming our hindrances is a lifelong
challenge but well worth the effort.

To help overcome selfishness, listen and give to others.

To help overcome self-reliance, be vulnerable and give to others.

To help overcome self-condemnation, receive and give to others.

Notice the importance of becoming a “giving first” person!

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Gratitude for Love

The Benefits of Gratefulness

As we mentioned previously, all humans have physical, spiritual, and relational

needs. Meeting those needs will cause us to have a heart of gratitude. Some bene-
fits of gratitude are:
•Gratefulness helps prompt our giving to others.
•Gratefulness guards us from a critical, negative attitude.
•Gratefulness guards us from a judgmental spirit.
•Gratefulness, when expressed to others, can motivate them to continue in
their lifestyle of giving.
•Gratefulness to God is an important element of our relationship with Him.
It also reminds us to “remember God’s benefits” and to count our bless-
ings.

Sharing Blessings

Take time to identify benefits you’ve experienced during this study. Consider how
you’ve been blessed through your family, friends, co-workers or other group mem-
bers.

Additionally, you might regularly involve family members in a sharing of recent

blessings and expressing appreciation. Some of the blessings could be:

•Loved ones, whom you've recently been reminded of in a special way.

•Character qualities in your spouse, children, family or friends which are
inspiring to you.
•Often overlooked blessings of creation, life, health, and provision.
•Specific caring initiatives toward you.
•Spiritual realities such as peace, prayer and reassurance.

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The Expression of Appreciation

Appreciation helps seal in our hearts the reality of the blessings, and when we
express appreciation, others are pleased and encouraged. Appreciation can be
shared:

•Verbally with a simple "thanks."

•In writing, with a note or email of appreciation.
•Publicly as we tell others of our genuine gratitude.

Look for expressions of family member’s love, special people, events, and experi-
ences that have impacted our lives. Then privately or publicly, verbally or in writing
- express your gratefulness.

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Living It Out

Learning to Identify People’s Needs

by Listening to What They Say
People often express their relational needs through their words. The more familiar
we are with the Top Ten Relational Needs, the better equipped we will be to identify
others’ needs by simply listening to what they are saying. Listed below are some
phrases you might hear from your spouse, children, friends, or co-workers. Beside
each phrase, write down the relational need(s) that the statement reflects.

Acceptance Affection Appreciation Approval Attention

Comfort Encouragement Respect Security Support

“You are always so busy.” ______________________________

“Look what I did!” ___________________________________
“Are you interested in what I think?”______________________
“Do you love me?” ___________________________________
“I just cannot do this.” ________________________________
“I feel so out of place.” _______________________________
“I have had a really bad day.” ___________________________
“Could we spend some time together?” ___________________
“I am really upset!” ___________________________________
“I just need you to hold me.” ___________________________
“Would you help me?” ________________________________
“I wish my nose was not so big.” ________________________
“What do you think of my project?” ______________________
“I cannot do anything right!” ___________________________
“I quit!” ___________________________________________
“You always make all the decisions.” _____________________
“I just want a place we can call home.” ____________________

Slow to speak - quick to listen! Now that you have listened, give first to their
needs!
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Enrichment Group Notes

Three common hindrances to needs being met and to being a grateful, giving per-
son are selfishness, self-reliance and self-condemnation. Most of us are hindered in
our relationships in at least one of these patterns. We can overcome these hin-
drances by better listening and giving, more vulnerability and giving, and better
“receiving” and giving. Notice the important common theme of giving!

1. Listening, Vulnerability and Giving Care

Let us take the opportunity to be known and demonstrate care as we complete the
following sentences:

I have felt compassion recently for _________________________________.

(For example: my teenage daughter as she struggles to be accepted by her peer
group).

I have needed support recently in __________________________________.

(For example: managing home repair challenges).

I have recently experienced pain about ______________________________.

(For example: being misunderstood by my neighbor).

Prepare your own answers to these sentences and share at least one of them with
your partner or team.

Be sure to give accepting responses as each person finishes their time of sharing.

Make brief notes about the responses of other members. This will allow you to
know each person in a more meaningful way and help you remember their impor-
tant feelings and relationships.

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Name: __________________ Responses: ________________________________

Name: __________________ Responses: ________________________________

Name: __________________ Responses: ________________________________

2. Thanks List

Begin by listing at least six areas of genuine thankfulness you have about your rela-
tionships at home, with friends and at work. Be specific. Look particularly for
things you may take for granted. (For example: “I’m grateful for my husband’s hard
work as a provider for our family.” “I’m thankful for my friend’s loyalty and faith-
fulness to our friendship.” “I’m thankful for the way my family member shows care
with words and affection.” “I appreciate my co-worker’s sensitivity to others’ feel-
ings.”)

Thanks List
1.______________________________________________________________

2.______________________________________________________________

3.______________________________________________________________

4.______________________________________________________________

5.______________________________________________________________

6.______________________________________________________________

Now share at least one of these with a partner or your small group as you receive
their celebration with you.

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3. “Giving” to someone you might avoid!

We all have people in our lives who we might avoid.

Maybe someone who has hurt us, someone with whom we have had conflict, etc.

Our “becoming” a person who “gives first” means we may want to re-consider our
attitude and actions.

Pause and Reflect:

A person in my life I need to consider “giving” to might be (who) ___________.
I could give to him/her by _________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________.

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