THIS IS NOT THE NEWS

The premiere, unsanctioned, neo-alternative, unofficial, non-newspaper for the Clark

community, which is in no way affiliated with Clark University.

Volume 1, Issue 4 T h e S t a tu s Q u o J u st G ot a L it t l e S t a t u s e r October 6, 2005

C o c a - C o l a ’s F i g L e a f L a n d s o n C a m p u s
“The allegations of violence are true!”
Troy Hill — The media has cho- Reasonable people will generally
sen to largely ignore the numer- agree that if you outsource a task
ous murders and disappearances to someone, you hold some de-
of labor organizers working at gree of responsibility over their
Coca-Cola’s bottling plants in approach But as we all know,
Columbia, but the issue has re- corporations are not mere hu-
cently struck close to home with mans, and thus often find them-
Coca-Cola’s former general selves immune to the moral and
counsel, Deval Patrick, vying to ethical dilemmas humans must
be the Democratic candidate for confront.
governor of Massachusetts.
Assuming that corporations
The basic facts are agreed are not held to the same ethical
upon. Plant managers at Coca- standards as you or me, the de-
Cola bottling plants throughout bate hinges on whether the bot-
Columbia have encouraged and tling plants were under Coca-
facilitated the murder, kidnapping,
Cola’s control. The legal team
and harassment of union leaders Patrick led maintained that Coca-
and their families. Even the for-Cola had no culpability for the
mer head of Coca-Cola’s legal plants’ actions, as Coca-Cola
team, the venerable Deval Pat- owned less than 50% of the bot- Noted jerk and Massachusetts gubernatorial prospect
rick, acknowledges that “the alle-
tling company. Is this seriously Deval Patrick speaks at Clark on Thursday.
gations of violence are true.” how the Democrats are planning
on proving their moral righteous- To The Reader:
The point of disagreement is
ness? Thanks for checking us out. We’ll be publishing every Sun-
whether Coca-Cola holds re-
sponsibility for that brutality. (See DEVAL PATRICK, pg. 3) day morning from now on. Some of what we write is true.

Fe e l i n g D e p re s s e d ? N a t i o n a l D e p re s s i o n S c re e n i n g D ay
Drew Legendre — October
6, 2005, is National
Depression Screening Day
(NDSD), a day when screening
centers across the country will
test more than one hundred-
thousand people for mood
r e l at e d i ll n es s e s . T h i s
ambitious effort is
spearheaded by the American
Psychiatric Association (APA)
and the government’s own
National Institute of Mental
Health (NIMH), among others.
Not surprisingly, my grim
suspicions about whom is
funding this were confirmed.
The usual suspects include:
Wyeth Pharmaceuticals
(makers of Effexor),
GlaxoSmithKline (makers of
Paxil), Forest Laboratories
(makers of Lexapro and
Celexa), the mega-corporation
Pfizer (makers of Zoloft and
Xanax), and the patriarch of
them all, chief contributor, Eli
Lilly and Company (makers
of...can you guess? Prozac).
Behind the anonymous and
benevolent face of this “non-
profit” undertaking are the
world’s biggest pharmaceutical
corporations, hungry for new In This Week’s
consumers. Flimsy Flapdoodle
To get a sense of what the Our first letter 2
standard “screening” entailed I to the editor.
took an online examination.
There were sixteen multiple President 3
choice questions. More than
Bassett changes
half of those questions
the world, again.
pertained to physical events,
having nothing to do with
mental constitution. Unusual Book store coup 4
sleeping habits, fluctuations in
stymied by Clark
appetite, and drowsiness are all
police.
(See DEPRESSION, Pg. 5)

Letters & Rejoinders
To the Editors:
Re: “Blame Climate Change” by
Jake Hess (Sept. 27): I worry that the
specious relationship assigned to Hur-
ricane Katrina and global climate
change may undermine shrewd discus-
sion. By creating a relationship be-
tween Hurricane Katrina and the
warming of the planet’s oceans, Mr.
Hess acts as an alarmist grasping onto
a convenient smoking-gun image.
Take, for instance, Christopher
Landsea, a hurricane expert at the
NOAA who resigned from the Inter-
governmental Panel on Climate
Change, the organization which ad-
vises the UN on climate issues. Mr.
Landsea challenged the panel chair-
man’s comments about a link between
climate change and the number of
powerful hurricanes in 2004, claiming
Jake Hess Replies…
As Mr. Braganca points out, there
is a measure of disagreement among
scientists over the relationship be-
tween climate change and hurricane
intensity. But by quoting an isolated
number of skeptics – two, to be pre-
cise – and presenting them as equally
valid sources as world-leading insti-
tutes that deal with the topic, he is
ignoring significant scientific consensus
and dramatically playing up the
amount of dispute on the matter.
Specifically, Mr. Braganca suggests
that Christopher Landsea’s criticism of
the IPCC demolishes the Panel’s
credibility. Yet the IPCC’s statements
reflect consensus among 2,500 leading
climate scientists from every corner of
the globe. It is the single largest peer-
reviewed study of climate change ever
undertaken; their rigorously examined
publications are widely considered the
most authoritative statements on cli-
mate science. Landsea represents an
extremely small handful of dissidents –
both in the IPCC and, to a lesser ex-
tent, NOAA.
Mr. Braganca then summons Pat
they went beyond what the organiza-
tion’s data substantiated.
Preferably, Mr. Hess would illus-
trate the dilemma of global climate
change with statistics and other scien-
tific evidence, which he utilizes in
other portions of his otherwise rea-
sonable piece.
For example, Patrick Michaels,
senior fellow of environmental studies
at the CATO Institute, found that
there is no statistical relationship be-
tween hurricane intensity and sea sur-
face temperature beyond a critical
temperature of 82 degrees Fahrenheit
– a temperature which the Gulf of
Mexico reaches or exceeds every
year.
One should reasonably conclude
that latching onto Hurricane Katrina
Michaels, an infamous shill for the fos-
sil fuel industry, to his defense. Ten
years ago, during public hearings in
Minnesota about the environmental
impact of coal-fired power plants,
Michaels himself confessed to receiv-
ing upwards of $146,000 worth of
funding from energy companies. Pre-
senting him as “a reliable contrarian”
on climate science is like calling a rep-
resentative of the tobacco industry “a
reliable contrarian” on the link be-
tween smoking and lung cancer.
Michaels, along with two or three
other ‘skeptics,’ frequently appears in
the US media on the subject. This
tends to inflate their actual validity.
Again, his opinions are consistently
starkly at odds with sweeping scien-
tific consensus, and on this subject it is
no different.
Mr. Braganca requests that I pro-
duce some statistics to enhance my
argument. The day my article first
appeared in Left Hook, yet another
authoritative study on the subject was
published in Science. (It's worth men-
tioning that Landsea contributed to
Page 2
as sound scientific evidence and a
“vindication” in this important debate
is more of an opportunistic argument
than a sturdy one. Finally, lest you
assume that CATO—a reliable con-
trarian in the global warming debate—
has tainted this concerned writer’s
reason and open mind, rest assured I
believe humans play a significant and
deadly role in climate change. We
need to find solutions to resolve the
predicament we have a role in causing.
But we also need to pass by knee-jerk
conveniences as required in fastidious
debate. Neither task is easy. Both
are necessary.
Sincerely,
Daniel H Braganca
Class of 2006
Note: Letter was edited for space constraints.
the report). The study showed how
"the number of storms reaching cate-
gories 4 and 5 grew from about 11
per year in the 1970s to 18 per year
since 1990." Authors blamed warmed
oceans, which they say were heated
by global warming, for the renewed
intensity. In an August publication,
Kerry Emanuel of MIT documented a
doubling in overall tropical storm in-
tensity since 1970. He pointed out a
connection with global warming.
As I noted in the original article,
it's nearly impossible to attribute any
single instance of extreme weather to
climate change. But recent scholar-
ship shows that weather patterns are
becoming more destructive as a result
of climate change. Katrina is sympto-
matic of that increase.
It should be left to readers to
decide who’s sources are more credi-
ble. I cited the IPCC, NOAA, WMO,
and two very recent and authoritative
studies to defend my argument. Mr.
Braganca cited precisely two dissenters
to support his.
Note: Letter was edited for space constraints
 Page 3
President Downloads Blackalicious Album in Less Than Four Years
University Garners International Acclaim for Breaking the "14.4 Barrier"
Chris Caesar -- An awed silence fell per-second at a time." lifetime," computer scientist Chuck
over a Clark University press conference Hernandez noted in a telephone
Cheryl Turner Elwell, the ITS Direc-
today as President John Bassett, after al- interview. "To witness that, and be
tor whose ground-breaking work is cred-
most four years of compulsively checking a part of it, is just, well, simply
ited for taking Clark's computer network
his LimeWire downloads, announced that remarkable. Moving, even." When
to the next millennium, hugged President
he had finally completed downloading asked to comment on rumors that
Bassett as she approached the podium.
Blackalicious's breakthrough album, Blaz- Assumption College students
ing Arrow. "It has taken years of thankless effort, could download MP3s in a matter
and there are many, many heroes to of seconds, he replied, "C'mahn,
The announcement comes after
thank," Elwell said, her voice shaking with no way."
much public speculation that Clark would
emotion as she read from a prepared
reach download speeds greater than 14.4 At any rate, most Clarkies are
statement. "But never, ever again will we
kb/s by the end of September. excited about the breakthrough.
be confined to the sub-kilobyte speeds of
"Ladies and gentlemen, today we our dark, sinister past." "I think it's really cool," offered
have accomplished the impossible,” Bas- freshman Candy Lackiltanianorian.
Some in the field have speculated that
sett told a cheering throng of supporters "I can start downloading the hits
the advancement could lead to other fu-
outside of his home. "Let this show the now and have them just in time to
turistic, high-speed downloads.
academic world that Clark remains com- compile graduation mix-CDs!"
mitted to challenging convention and "It is entirely possible that we'll see
"President Bassett is just an
changing our world, .00000001 kilobytes- the download of moving pictures in our
amazing leader," gushed freshman
Josie Asiernoffman, waving a flag
Patrick Comes to Clark, Students Survive bearing the President's likeness.
(Continued) Coca-Cola’s innocence that he had no "He is an inspiration to us all."
qualms about accepting a year-long posi- Rumors that Doug Little had
The fact is, as Forbes noted in De-
tion as a “consultant” to the corpora- little luck downloading DJ Spooky's
cember of 2003, Coca-Cola keeps a big
tion. The contract goes through the end Riddim Warfare could not be con-
presence on the boards of its major bot-
of 2005, pays $2.1 million, and entails no firmed.
tlers, provides the majority of their busi-
specific time commitment. Oh, and on a
ness, and often owns high percentages Chris Caesar gets around and is a
side note, the contract also prohibits
(though always less than half) of the bot- senior at Clark. He can be reached at
Patrick from suing or revealing “secrets”
tlers’ stock. Clearly, Coca-Cola main- CCaesar@clarku.edu
about Coca-Cola.
tains de facto control.
This paints a much different picture
In the case of Coca-Cola FEMSA,
of Deval Patrick than you’ll likely get
(Coca-Cola’s largest bottling company
from his visit to campus on Thursday,
and a defendant in the human rights
from his campaign website, or from his
cases), Coca-Cola owns 39.6% of the
newfound choir, the Democrats of Clark
company’s economic stock and 46.4% of
University. To leave political dogmatism
its voting stock. Coca-Cola’s Chief Fi-
aside, Patrick’s past is worth scrutinizing.
nancial Officer and Chief Operating Offi-
If his record proves him to be a merce-
cer both have positions on FEMSA’s
nary advocate of human rights abusers,
board. There are a total of nine people
can we take his rhetorical nods towards
with direct and deep ties to Coca-Cola
progressive values like universal health
who are members of FEMSA’s board of
care or gay marriage seriously? And
directors or are listed as Alternate Di-
more importantly, is this really the best
rectors.
the Democrats have to offer? One
Any rational person would concede would hope not.
that this amounts to a significant degree
Troy Hill is innocent until proven guilty and
of control over FEMSA. But not Deval
the Senior Class Representative. He can be
Patrick. Deval felt so strongly about
reached at Thill@clarku.edu

Acoustic Java: If You're Poor, Leave!
Alex Broner — The night did
not start out particularly memorably.
I ran into a friend who planned on
meeting a couple of people at Acous-
tic Java. I took a seat with a few that
were already there and chatted with
them as they ordered. One of the
women behind the counter suggested
that I buy something and I declined. I
said no, not out of some fiendish de-
sire to deny them my financial sup-
port, but because, quite simply, I can't
afford their beverages or pastries.
I am not on the meal plan (as
anyone who has seen me at work in
the first floor kitchen of Hughes will
attest). My parents and I have taken
out some very serious loans so I can
attend Clark, which means that any
money I make in excess of what I
need to live on is really already spent.
Page 4
I explained that I could not buy any- place was far from crowded?
thing because my food budget did not
Acoustic Java may make a hand-
allow it. I thought no more of the
some profit with this attitude, but at
incident.
what price?
My friends paid for their food
Alex Broner is a contributing writer
and drinks and we sat down at one of
to This Is Not the News and can be
the tables. Some minutes passed, and
reached at Abroner@clarku.edu
out of the blue that woman came
back, knelt down at the table and
reiterated that I had to buy some-
thing. I told her, yet again, that I
lacked the money to do so, but this
did not seem to be acceptable as she
then told me to leave.
Editor’s Note:: Acoustic Java has an
As I walked back to Clark, I won- explicit policy of “buy something or
dered: what was so offensive about leave,” and is easily the worst coffee
my presence? Was I breathing air shop I have ever encountered. Ever since
which might be better used by paying I watched in sheer horror as their baris-
customers? Was the seat I was sitting tas made me an “iced-mocha” with Her-
in so urgently needed by a paying shey’s syrup, I have steered clear. I en-
customer, despite the fact that the courage readers to do the same. – CC
write for TINTN. Mailto: Thisisnotthenews@gmail.com
If you can master reading sideways, you can definitely

Bookstore Coup
Unraveled, Students
Severely Reprimanded
Clark University Police have uncovered
plans to overthrow the Clark Univer-
sity Bookstore by a group of disgrun-
tled sophomores. Their stated motive
for planning such an action was disgust
at high book prices and the rude treat-
ment by bookstore staff members.
The students, two from Sanford
Hall and two from Johnson Hall, had
planned on subduing the store manager
and employees while they distributed
free books to students.
The plan was discovered after one
of the students left blueprints of the
bookstore in the Sanford Hall kitchen,
along with a list of ways to breach its
security.
The Assistant Dean of Students This is Not the News
called the students in, and gave them a
good talking to. Every Other Day

Tammany Hall
Keeps It Real
Daniel Franklin Bowhers —
While only the most severe alcohol-
ics would think of going to a bar on a
Monday night, this is a new world
order and times are changing. In fact,
visiting Tammany Hall on Monday
nights is actually the healthiest bar
experience I have ever had.
While a bit of a hike for the
typical Clark hippies and hipsters,
Pleasant Street is not too far at all.
Even though it is clearly a car ride
away, you will get a drink at Tam-
many Hall faster than you would on
any given Thursday night at Foobar.
For all you underclassmen, Tammany
Hall is an 18+ establishment with a
$5 cover.
More important than good food,
drinks, and a chill environment, Tam-
many has plenty of local bands play-
ing every night of the week. Monday
is consistently the most outstanding
night as DJ Sorce1, DJ Hoodrich,
Turkey P, and Amherst hip-hop/funk
all-stars Cold Duck Complex take
the stage. Many of you know DJ Sor-
ce1 from house parties and Clark
Social events, and he also DJs at
Moynihans on Saturday nights along
with the rest of the
LXG/Grimeology crew. Cold Duck
Complex is something entirely differ-
ent, and even the most obscure mu-
sic aficionado can find something to
love about their unique mix of funk
and hip-hop.
Based out of Amherst, Massa-
chusetts, Cold Duck effectively
aroused Chris Mackowiak, who was
fully enthralled by the variety of their
set. The band formed in the winter
of 2000. As I continue to plagiarize
their website
(www.coldduckcomplex.com), you
might as well know they formed for
a high school talent show and then
decided to keep going after they
Page 5
“National Depression Screening Day”
Deserving of Scrutiny
(Continued) signifiers of depression, number of hours the average person
according to this test. Moreover, half spends in monotonous, stultifying
of the remaining questions are labor. Perhaps one is correct to be
unrelated to emotion: they include sad–or even to contemplate death.
difficulty concentrating, lack of For a branch of science that once
enthusiasm and interest, and held that everyone has a secret
slowness of thought. It does not take death wish, we have certainly come a
a Socrates to see that this is dubious long way.
logic. How can one infer depression Scores range from 0-27. “Mild”
through harmless deviations from depression begins at 6. Presumably,
normal routine?
this is sufficient enough to warrant
What is left unquestioned is the use of antidepressant drugs. If
whether deviations in normal you have ever fidgeted in your life,
behavior are, indeed, healthy acts. well, you too could have depression.
Perhaps a lack of interest and It’s a ploy. By these standards
concentration is due to the everyone is depressed, everyone is
impoverished and antiquated subject mentally ill, everyone needs
matter taught in school. Perhaps medication. If they tell you that you
anorexia and bulimia are due to our are depressed, be relieved; it just
superficial, smut-ridden culture. means you are thinking clearly.
Perhaps obesity and compulsive
eating are due to the gratuitous fat,
Andrew Legendre has declared war on
sugar content, and addictive agents in Generation Y and can be reached at
most of what we eat and drink.
andrew_ j1234@yahoo.com
Perhaps fatigue is due to the great
annihilated their competition. Cold
Duck is comprised of a drummer, em- Please Write Us. It
cee, pianist, and bassist. They have per-
formed with the likes of 50 Cent and Gets So Freaking
Reel Big Fish, and have even performed
in the illustrious Clark University Lonely Sometimes.
Grind. The unique blending of funk and
hip-hop with both serious and playful ThisIsNotTheNews@gmail.com
themes keeps audiences on their toes.
ThisIsNotTheNews@gmail.com
On any given Monday night you
have three choices: do homework, ThisIsNotTheNews@gmail.com
watch Arrested Development (FOX,
8:00 p.m.), or head to Tammany Hall ThisIsNotTheNews@gmail.com
to support and experience some local
ThisIsNotTheNews@gmail.com
talent. Cold Duck will not be playing
here for too much longer, so I urge all
ThisIsNotTheNews@gmail.com
of you to go a few blocks up the street
and see them before they are gone.
ThisIsNotTheNews@gmail.com
Dan Bowhers is TINTN’s Senior Worcester
Bar Correspondent, and a senior at Clark. ThisIsNotTheNews@gmail.com
He can be reached at
Dbowhers@clarku.edu ThisIsNotTheNews@gmail.com
 DO NOT QUESTION THE SPACE

Skeletons Have Problems Too by Mike Bartiromo