Confusion

A Satirical Comedy in Three Acts

by

Natalya Churlyaeva

Translated from Russian

by

Jane H. Buckingham

Natalya Churlyaeva
Kolomenskaya 12/42
Krasnoyarsk, Russia
churyahin@rambler.ru

Confusion by Natalya Churlyaeva

 CHARACTERS

VLAD, DIMA, KOSTA, VAL: middle-aged men, old friends.

LENA: VLAD’S spouse.

VICKY: DIMA’S spouse.

SYDOR LVOVICH: a senior official, the owner of a cat.

MAXIMILIAN: SYDOR LVOVICH’S assistant.

VADIM: MAXIMILIAN’S assistant.

CAT: Walter.

Confusion by Natalya Churlyaeva

 SETTING
The action takes place in the cottage country of the nouveau riche.

TIME
The present.

SYNOPSIS
The disappearance of a senior official’s cat highlights the essence of middle-aged
nouveau riche as well as that of government officials. The men try to get away
from their spouses for some male bonding at the cottage, which includes drinking
and BBQ. Their paranoid spouses track them for fear of young female
competition. Meanwhile, a senior official on the eve of his appointment to an
important position has lost the cat that he loves like a son...

Confusion by Natalya Churlyaeva

 I-1

Act One
As the curtain rises, four friends have settled down
at an unfinished cottage near the woods, in
anticipation of a feast.

KOSTA
Know what, my friends?

VLAD
What, Konstantin?

KOSTA
Know what I must confess to you, my friends?

DIMA
No, we don’t. How can we know that?

KOSTA
I want to tell you that all this is simply remarkable!

VAL
What’s remarkable?

KOSTA
That we’ve all gathered together today.

DIMA
But we’ve always gathered like this. My wife even says way too often.

VLAD
Your wife’s not right.

DIMA
And why are you telling me? Better tell her.

VLAD
Why should I tell her? Your wife, you tell her.

DIMA
Aha. You tell her, you do it, it’s all useless anyway. Never listens to me.

VAL
Good Lord! How’s this, the wife doesn’t listen? What the hell is such a wife good
for then?
 I-2

DIMA
Well, the kind... At least, no worse than many others.

VAL
What many? What are you hinting at?

KOSTA
He’s not hinting at anything.

VLAD
He wants to use the classic words “less is better” to tell you about wives.

DIMA
I can say about wives without using classic words: a wife is a wife, there’s already
nothing you can do here. Just don’t demand too much from her. As long as she
doesn’t interfere with your life and doesn’t get under foot.

VLAD
You said it! My dad already taught me: a wife is like a trunk without a handle,
hard to drag along, a pity to drop...

(VAL laughs merrily.)

DIMA
Valery Vasilevich, what are you laughing at?

VAL
It’s funny, so I laugh.

DIMA
Aha. Everything is funny to a fool.

VAL
(Stops laughing.)
Wha-at? Who’s a fool?

DIMA
Whom do you think, let me ask you?

VAL
Well, exactly, not a fool, let me tell you. No reason for me to complain about my
intelligence.

KOSTA
It turns out you acquired two wives at once because of great intelligence?

DIMA
 I-3

Aha. As if living in an Islamic country.

VLAD
Impressive, nothing to say. We can’t even hide from one, but he, if necessary,
manages to hide from two.

VAL
I see, you’re jealous that I have a young wife?

KOSTA
But you still have the old one, she isn’t going anywhere. How she lived, so she
lives, in the same place.

VLAD
No, she now lives somewhere else. While you weren’t looking, our lover boy
managed to exchange the old apartment.

KOSTA
Seriously? But why? Such a swell place. Worth a fortune these days.

VAL
You bet! Got all of three apartments for it.

KOSTA
Three for one? That’s way out of line!

VAL
Not out of line, it’s just right. Count for yourself. Doesn’t my Victor need an
apartment? He’s already a grown young man, just finished university...

KOSTA
Where does he work?

VAL
He’s not working yet, still sitting at home...

KOSTA
At home?

VAL
You listen. Doesn’t Irene need somewhere to live? She does. Need to provide her
with a place. Well, and of course, can’t leave Tamara without a separate little
corner.

VLAD
Corner my foot! A crack two-bedroom in the centre of the city. Do you know how
much per square foot my godson had to shell out for this place?
 I-4

VAL
How would I know? I’m not planning on selling mine. But don’t worry, when I do,
I’ll make inquires at once.

KOSTA
OK. You better tell us why your Victor’s sitting at home.

VAL
What do you mean why?

KOSTA
Why isn’t he working? Did he grow up like a sensible young man?

VAL
He’s sensible.

DIMA
Aha, listen to him, sensible. Tell you what this sensible one was studying to be?
An ornithologist! Heard of such a profession? Can laugh till you’re sick! He’ll be
counting birds in modern Russian. Now no one even need to know about people,
a million more, a million less, in essence doesn’t bother anyone, and this one
made up his mind to count birds. Count them for what? They chirp, let them
chirp.

VAL
What are you getting at with this?

VLAD
True, Val, the officials babble about this, and now the birds are largely cawing.

KOSTA
Then better let the officials babble. Otherwise if they also start to caw...

VLAD
It’s obvious, Konstantin, you know who should caw and who should babble. You
have a wealth of experience in these matters. You’ve already finished babbling
something. At the very least, have served for more than a year.

DIMA
Why do you say he has served if he’s still under investigation? No, Vlad, for our
Konstantin, everything is just beginning.

VLAD
In a word, he’s a tough guy, goes without saying.

VAL
 I-5

What tough. They seized the BMW, so he took this wife’s Toyota. Drove it till it
broke down, and now has to walk. Afraid to buy a new one.

VLAD
Why afraid?

VAL
What if they ask: where did you get the money?

KOSTA
And you’re afraid of nothing.

VAL
Afraid of what? I’m all in plain sight. Can say an honest hard worker, not some...
In a word, figure.

DIMA
Val, aren’t you thinking too highly of yourself?

VAL
I try not to think of myself at all. My head is busy with other things.

VLAD
True, Val. Why break your head over yourself? You’ve all of two wives for that, let
them do the thinking. You then have the opportunity to think of other things,
greater things.

VAL
Lay off my wives! What, they aren’t giving you any peace? Keep harping, two
wives, two wives! So what if it’s two? Whose business is it? Is it a criminal
offence? No. So, leave me alone... As if you’re something better.

VLAD
But we care much about you...
(Chuckles.)
...Ha-ha-ha!

VAL
That’s just the point, that ha-ha-ha! You know perfectly well that you’re worse
than March cats.

(MAXIMILIAN enters.)

MAXIMILIAN
What cats? Sirs, I ask you, what cats? What cats are you talking about?

(A puzzled silence.)
 I-6

MAXIMILIAN (cont’d)
Vacationing sirs, please answer me: during your stay here, did any of you notice a
cat around?

DIMA
Wha-at? What cat?

VAL
(Chuckles.)
Probably one like you.

MAXIMILIAN
I’m asking you, was there a cat here?

VLAD
Look, man, can’t you see that we’re busy?

MAXIMILIAN
With what?

DIMA
See: we’re barbequing and things. In short, relaxing in a civilized manner.

VAL
But you want to spoil our relaxation. We’re fine here, understand?

VLAD
And nobody needs any cat here. Not for the BBQ, not for anything.

MAXIMILIAN
I’m not asking you if you need a cat. I’m asking have you seen a cat here?

VAL
And you, I see, don’t understand English. In my opinion, you’ve been told clearly:
we don’t care about any cat... That’s all, you may go.

MAXIMILIAN
You don’t understand me, or you don’t want to understand?

VAL
You may consider that we don’t want to.

MAXIMILIAN
In that case, I’m afraid you’ll regret this soon enough.

KOSTA
 I-7

And if we simply don’t understand?

MAXIMILIAN
Then you can feel sorry...

VLAD
You leave here, man, while you’re still in one piece, otherwise, you’ll really have
something to feel sorry about.

MAXIMILIAN
What?

VLAD
That you appeared on Earth this way.

MAXIMILIAN
What way?

VLAD
This way, as you are.

MAXIMILIAN
And how am I?

VAL
Told you: leave, go away, and don’t ask any more silly question.

MAXIMILIAN
I’m not asking you questions, moreover, not silly ones. I demand an answer from
you to one and only one question!

KOSTA
What question?

MAXIMILIAN
Where’s the cat?

VLAD
And do you have the right to make a demand for anything here?

MAXIMILIAN
Every man has the right to demand an answer to a question of vital importance
for him.

VAL
And what makes you think that we want to answer?
 I-8

MAXIMILIAN
I don’t care if you want to answer, I’m not just anybody. As a representative, I
demand an answer to this specific question and immediately!

KOSTA
Wait, wait, man. Let’s get something straight. First, whose representative are
you? Secondly...

MAXIMILIAN
I’m Sydor Lvovich’s representative, see! Not clear? I’m his assistant! What, still
don’t get it?

KOSTA
Not quite. Please be more precise in your definition. So, are you Sydor Lvovich’s
representative or just his assistant?

MAXIMILIAN
It makes no difference to you, sir.

KOSTA
Do you want to say that there’s no difference between a representative and an
assistant? But we, on the contrary, think that there is, and a very significant one.

MAXIMILIAN
Do you have in mind a difference in pay?

DIMA
So you think your pay isn’t enough?

MAXIMILIAN
Why does my pay interest you?

DIMA
Frankly, your pay bothers us not a bit. But if you have it with you, we’d certainly
know what to do with it.

MAXIMILIAN
You’re not crooks, by any chance?

VAL
Tell me, Vlad, do we look like crooks?

VLAD
In fact, in our time, just about anyone can easily be lumped into this category.

DIMA
No need for unnecessary generalization. Personally I don’t drive a BMW and
 I-9

don’t build a three-storey cottage on a salary of three thousand.

VAL
As for me, I don’t have a car. And no cottage either, by the way.

MAXIMILIAN
Do you mean to say that you’re...poor?

VAL
What do you mean poor?

MAXIMILIAN
If you’re poor, then it’s not worthwhile for you to spend time in a prestigious
cottage area.

VLAD
He’s poor? If everyone were as poor as this gentleman, then the bright future of
long ago would have come as promised.

MAXIMILIAN
Who promised? Promised whom? What bright future? Don’t you try to confuse
me, better answer the question that I asked you!

KOSTA
(Stands beside the BBQ.)
Gentlemen! Meat’s nearly done!

VAL
Wonderful. Time to start, my mouth’s already watering.

VLAD
(Turns to MAXIMILIAN.)
Would you... You there... Mr. Representative of... This, what’s his... Lvovich.
Thank you for visiting us at the fire, but please don’t interfere with our civilized
relaxation.
(Takes MAXIMILIAN by the arm, tries to escort him from the site.)

MAXIMILIAN
(Breaks free.)
Don’t you dare touch me! Who do you think you are? I’m not going anywhere
until I get an answer to a question disturbing Sydor Lvovich greatly.

DIMA
And what question disturbs your Sydor? Even if he’s Lvovich?

MAXIMILIAN
I’ve already asked you repeatedly. Where’s the cat?
 I-10

DIMA
Well, that’s it, this matter isn’t going any further...
(Approaches MAXIMILIAN, tries to shake his hand.)
So long, au revoir! Goodbye, Mr. Representative...

MAXIMILIAN
Don’t touch my hand! I don’t like it.

DIMA
And you think I do? Do you think that it’s pleasant for me to touch a hand that
perhaps quite recently petted some mangy cat?

MAXIMILIAN
Don’t you dare talk this way! Don’t you even dare think like that! Sydor Lvovich
cannot have a mangy cat! He has... He has a fantastic, phenomenal cat! This cat,
it’s a cat of all cats. A cat that... In fact, such a cat you can’t even dream of. In
short, it’s Sydor Lvovvich’s cat, and that says it all.

VAL
Strictly speaking, who’s this, this Sydor Lvovich?

MAXIMILIAN
(Incredulous.)
What? You don’t know Sydor Lvovich?

VLAD
And why should we know him?

MAXIMILIAN
In that case, please excuse my candor, you’re nobody.

DIMA
In what sense?

MAXIMILIAN
In the sense that you can’t be anybody. For the simple reason that anyone who is
somebody should know who Sydor Lvovich is.

VAL
Kosta, it seems you’re somebody. Or at least you were not too long ago. Tell us,
who’s this Sydor Lvovich? Is he known to you?

KOSTA
You know that because of certain circumstances, I’ve been out of the loop for
some time. Still, I can say with confidence that in the recent past, Sydor Lvovich
wasn’t in any key role... However, it’s quite possible that he could be someone in a
 I-11

supporting role...

(MAXIMILIAN approaches KOSTA and quietly whispers something in

his ear.)

KOSTA
(Incredulous.)
Real-ly? Since when?

MAXIMILIAN
Since yesterday... What, are you so out of touch? Really haven’t heard?

VLAD
And we don’t hear anything!

DIMA
Nor see, nor read.

VAL
In fact, we’re on vacation.

MAXIMILIAN
That’s no excuse. Vacation is all fine and dandy, but an event is an event.

DIMA
To me too. Now if a comet has fallen onto Earth, or for example, aliens have
landed. Now that would be an event.

KOSTA
(Thoughtfully.)
Of course, Dima, of course. The significance of these events, quite possibly, are on
the same scale... At least, for us.

MAXIMILIAN
(Triumphantly.)
Aha! Finally understood whom you’re dealing with?

VLAD
I still understand nothing.

MAXIMILIAN
Doesn’t matter, it’ll come to you later.

KOSTA
You... Pardon me, I don’t know, how should I address you?

MAXIMILIAN
 I-12

Maximilian Vyacheslavovich.

KOSTA
Maximilian Vyacheslavovich, please don’t be offended. We’ll consider what
happened earlier a little misunderstanding. Please convey to Sydor Lvovich that
we’ll commence on a search right away for his missing cat.

MAXIMILIAN
That’s wonderful. In that case, I’ll give you the info...
(Takes photos out of his pocket.)
Here, please take it... It’s the picture of the cat... Answers to the name of Walter...
Take it, take it, don’t be shy... Each take a copy, I have lots...
(Hands out photos.)
Please pay attention! On the back of the page is the cat’s name and my number.
Once you find it, call this number any time, day or night... No time to lose, start
the search at once. I'm leaving, other assignments to hand out...
(Exits.)

VAL
(With relief.)
Phew... Got rid of him at last... And you, Kosta, good job! Didn’t lose your head...
Still, must admit, a close acquaintance with our justice system has clearly done
you some good. If not for you, this moron would still be punching our brains for a
long time.

DIMA
Only, seems he’s not a simple moron.

VAL
What then?

DIMA
Nuts, most likely. They’re everywhere now. The state has no money to keep them
in the madhouse, now they’re walking around free.

VLAD
Ye-s... A sick man, pure and simple. Dragged in some Sydor... Handed out photos
of cats... At least good that he’s finally left... If only he wouldn’t return...

(MAXIMILIAN returns.)

MAXIMILIAN
What’s this? Why do you continue to sit around? Why haven’t you started the
search?

(Silence.)
 I-13

MAXIMILIAN (cont’d)
You think I’ll tolerate such irresponsibility? Don’t pin your hopes on it! Here,
look...
(Brandishes a notebook.)
Here! I’ve copied down your license plates. The owner of the lot is well known to
me. So I advise you not to waste time... Move, move...
(Again exits.)

VAL
Well now, as they say, gone to the skewers. Must think there aren’t enough
fruitcakes in the city for me. Once in a blue moon managed to escape with friends
to nature, and a kook showed up.

VLAD
And a big one, it seems...

DIMA
From Sydor Lvovich...

(VLAD, DIMA, and VAL laugh merrily.)

KOSTA
Wait with the laughter. Let’s hope we wouldn’t have to cry over these cats.

VLAD
And why’s that?

KOSTA
Can’t say for sure yet. Should phone somewhere and clarify something about this
Sydor Lvovich.

VAL
(Laugh with VLAD and DIMA.)
Good thing it’s about Sydor Lvovich and not his cat. I was just thinking that,
much as I regret it, you were planning on making inquiries about his cat.

KOSTA
Enough of your chuckling! I’m telling you, what happens now is totally not funny.

DIMA
(Continues laughing.)
Of course not funny! It’s simply hilarious!

KOSTA
Oh, you... Okay, it’s a waste of time with you blockheads, if you still don’t get it.
I’m going to make a call.
 I-14

DIMA
Who’re you planning on calling? Sydor Lvovich’s assistant? About the
implementation of the operation?

VAL
About the detention of the cat.

KOSTA
Vlad, give me the keys to the car, I need the cell phone.

VAL
(Laughs.)
Vlad, don’t give it to him, he’s just really scared about something. God forbid, he
takes off from fear, and then we’ll have to catch the cat in the woods without him.

DIMA
And not just any cat but Sydor Lvovich’s cat!

VLAD
(Laughs.)
Aha! We’ll catch all the cats and compare them to the photo.

VAL
But the main thing, phone this...representative every hour. And report the
progress of the operation.

VLAD
Okay, Konstantin, I’ll open it for you myself, just the sort of thing...

(VLAD and KOSTA exit.)

DIMA
And I’ll go for a walk.

VAL
I’m coming with you...

(DIMA and VAL exit. LENA and VICKY appear stealthily, carefully look
around.)

VICKY
Looks like nobody’s here.

LENA
Yes, they’re here! Look, the meat’s done on the BBQ.

VICKY
 I-15

(Approaches the BBQ.)

Oh, right! Hmm...smells so good...
(Watchfully.)
Lena, I can’t understand.

LENA
What can’t you understand?

VICKY
If the meat’s here, in place, then where are our men? Did something happen to
them?

LENA
What can happen to them? Nothing good, for sure.

VICKY
I’m not talking about something good! I’ve long since given up on anything good
from my husband. I’m afraid something bad might have happened.

LENA
Don’t you fear, Vicky. Don’t worry, that’s all. I’ve decided for myself: if something
happens with mine, so it happens to him and not to me... Understand? Suppose if
something does, then let him get himself out of it.

VICKY
(Thoughtfully.)
Of course you’re right about something, Lena.

LENA
Not just something but everything.

VICKY
No, Lena, I can’t agree with you completely. My Dima is certainly no God’s gift,
but I’ve gotten used to him somehow. Learnt to manage him...

LENA
Don’t fancy yourself too much. You’ve learned nothing. If you could really exert
influence on your Dima, then he would be sitting at home with you now, and not
gallivanting wherever and with whomever.

VICKY
Why wherever? You yourself said they’re here... And not with whomever but your
Vlad.

LENA
There, that’s what I’m talking about. What did my Vovka tell me?
 I-16

VICKY
What?

LENA
That they summoned him to work urgently. That out of the blue an urgent order
fell onto their office, and must never let slip such a favorable chance.

VICKY
They also summoned Dima to work. Said that they can’t start the installation
without him.

LENA
Oh, Vicky, Vicky, you simple soul! Think for yourself, what installation do they
start these days? They don’t start but disassemble them to the screw. For spare
parts and scrapes... If, of course, there’s something left to disassemble. How
could you even believe that?

VICKY
I also didn’t believe it. Otherwise I wouldn’t have phoned you so fast.

LENA
And rightly so. Now we got them red-handed at the cottage. And let them try to
lie to us again, the cats!

VICKY
Lena, what if my Dima isn’t here?

LENA
He’s here alright. Where else can he be?

VICKY
What if he isn’t after all? What then?

LENA
No big deal. No, no need.

VICKY
What do you mean no need?

LENA
If he’s not, other guys are. My Vlad never drives to the cottage alone.

VICKY
What, you’re out of your mind! Why do I want other guys? I came here for my
Dima.

LENA
 I-17

Not proposing other guys to you. Simply since we’re here, might as well have a
good time. Relax, unwind... Have fun... After all, meet some people.

VICKY
Lena, are you sure only guys are here? Who told you that there aren’t women
here?

LENA
If I were at least sure of that, I wouldn’t have made such an effort, forcing you to
rush headlong to the cottage. Can one really be sure in such matters? I’m not.
Well, my Vovka’s far from old, and in my view, still a fine figure of a man. Last
time he went uphill, money flowed. You yourself know, in such a scenario, young
girls would be like flies around a dunghill!

VICKY
Well, that’s even better! Just think, what if our guys appear now from somewhere
with young girls? How will we look then?

LENA
Don’t know how we’ll look, but I can guarantee you one thing: these girls won’t
matter very much.

VICKY
Lena, what are you talking about? What, are you going to get into a fight,
perhaps? How are you going to cope with them, young, modern girls?

LENA
And why have you decided that these girls have to be young?

VICKY
Because old ladies don’t...
(Looks around.)
Lena! There they are!
(Points.)
Look, four of them... Already found themselves a couple... Well, you cats, you just
hang on... Now I’ll show you...

LENA
(Looks closer.)
Wait, Vicky... Seems to me you’re wrong. No girls there... Neither young nor old...
Only guys.

VICKY
What, only guys?
(Looks closer.)
Can’t see, forgot my glasses at home... Only see four of them... Who’s with them
then?
 I-18

LENA
I think it’s Val and Kosta.

VICKY
Real-ly? Oh, what fools we are! How embarrassing, Lena.

LENA
Why should we? Just because we’re so worried about our spouses? That we’re
afraid of losing them? That’s what I tell you, Vicky. There’s nothing embarrassing
about hanging on tight to your man, quite the opposite, it’s the right thing to do.
You’re not some poor lonely thing, you’re a married woman! Understand that you
have this status. It gives you confidence and helps direct one’s way through life.
And in order not to lose this status, you don’t just hang onto your Dima, but
downright chain him to you! So that he wouldn’t get lost somewhere by accident.

VICKY
Yes, I understand that… Still embarrassing all the same. Now they’ll show up here
and start to make fun of us. And my Dima will instantly get hysterical, start to yell
that I don’t give him a life. And later he’ll get drunk, sure to get drunk.

LENA
Vicky, don’t get nervous ahead of time. I’m not in any better position. You think
my Vovka’s any better than your Dima? He’s no better. Can kick up such a fuss
that I have to apologize.

VICKY
What are we going to do? Escape before they see us?

LENA
Escape. What nonsense.

VICKY
What then?

LENA
Now we put on an act. Pretend that we’re here on business.

VICKY
What business? What business can there be at a cottage?

LENA
What business? Cottage business! That’s it, cottage business... Vicky, we came
here specifically for... Do you know what?

VICKY
What?
 I-19

LENA
Plant flowers!

VICKY
Flowers? What flowers?

LENA
What, what...
(Looks around.)
Who cares what... The main thing is to prepare a good spot for planting... I
grabbed some flowers from home just in case... For conspiracy...
(Finds a shovel and starts digging.)

VICKY
What are you doing?

LENA
Preparing the soil for planting... Do you know what soil is needed? Very good soil!
Don’t just stand there, pretend you’re helping me... Then perhaps everything can
be managed without a scandal... Somehow... Understand?

VICKY
Ah-h, understood! I’ll go get water...
(Grabs an empty bucket and runs off.)

LENA
Wait! Here’s a nasty one, ran off. Left me here alone... What will I do alone with
four angry guys? As soon as my Vovka sees me, he’ll blow his top. And yell this
way almost every day. Like he went abroad, then nothing was to his liking. This
isn’t it, that isn’t right. Perhaps he saw some special people there? With heads of
dogs perhaps? Even started to swear like you wouldn’t believe. He’d come home,
collapse onto the armchair, cross his legs, and declare, “You know, Lena, our
interior isn’t quite the thing. Falls short of my present position. Should call a
designer, otherwise, Lena, you with your folksy notion of beauty would sorely
compromise me in front of serious people...” He had to think that! But maybe he
didn’t but someone gave him the idea? Oh Lord! I’m totally confused. And I don’t
know how to clear my head... How to make everything right? How to please my
better half? I have no idea what my darling wants. Take the carpet off the wall, or
start to walk around in a peignoir at home? How to understand the present-day
men? Oh, here they are...
(Starts to dig with even more diligence.)

(VAL, KOSTA, VLAD, DIMA enter.)

VAL
We-ll, Konstantin. I regret to inform you that you’re in sad shape.
 I-20

KOSTA
In what sense?

VAL
You phoned and couldn’t even reach a single one of your minions.

KOSTA
It’s the cell phone battery... Not me in sad shape but the battery. Had to
recharge...
(Notices LENA.)
Vlad, haven’t you noticed a change in our company?

VLAD
I did. Val, the minute he became two-wived, grumbles now on every occasion,
and without reason.

DIMA
(Also notices LENA.)
Who’s talking about his wives? Though there are two of them, they’re sitting at
home and not poking their noses into a man’s business. Not like yours.

VLAD
Why mine?

DIMA
Yours gives neither you nor other people any peace!

(VICKY enters with a bucket of water.)

VAL
(Points to VICKY.)
And you think yours is any better?

VICKY
(Pretends that she just notices the men.)
Oh, boys? Hello, boys! Lena, stop your digging! Look who’s here!

LENA
Who?
(Also pretends that she just sees the men.)
Oh, Kosta! Hello, my dear! Haven’t seen you for a long time... You poor, poor
man! How could you stand all that trouble? Well, doesn’t matter, all the bad stuff
is behind you now...
(Reaches for KOSTA.)
Let me kiss you...
 I-21

KOSTA
Too early for a kiss. Case isn’t closed yet.

VICKY
No luck, such an unlucky guy. And how were you managing, finding yourself in
prison?

KOSTA
Any of us can find himself there.

VAL
You stop right there, any of us. He has to predict that.

LENA
Oh, Val, you’re here too! How nice that you also came to the cottage! I so missed
you and Tamara... Why didn’t you bring her with you? She’s probably busy at
home?

DIMA
Nope. Because now, besides Tamara, he also has Vera.

LENA
Well, then, he could bring Vera with him. We’ll find a place for her. Why,
nothing’s wrong with that. Things like that happen all the time, nothing unusual
about it these days...

VLAD
OK, enough clucking! You’d better tell me what are you doing here? Huh?

LENA
How what? Relaxing, that’s what. Can’t you see?

VLAD
Relaxing? At the cottage?

LENA
Exactly, Vovka, at the cottage! At our cottage, besides. What, according to you, I
don’t have the right to relax at our cottage? I’m just planting flowers now, after
that I’ll relax. Right, Vicky?

VICKY
Right, Lena. Lena and I came here to relax, but what you, Dima, are doing here, I
don’t know. Really starting a new installation? Or perhaps something else?

DIMA
 I-22

Maybe I am. Or maybe something else. What business is it of yours?

VICKY
How’s this not my business? I’m your wife.

DIMA
You’re not a wife, you’re the devil! A devil in petticoat, not a woman! There’s
nowhere to hide from you, nowhere! Not in the city, not in the country,
nowhere... A man has the right to relax like a man. I ask you, do I or don’t I?

VAL
Well now, things are taking off... Not one thing, then another... Relax, have some
BBQ.

VLAD
Don’t pay them any attention, Val. Let them do what they want.

LENA
What’s this don’t pay any attention? What, I’m an empty spot to you? I’m also a
person, and even a woman. And not just a woman, but the most important for
you! Vovka, I’m your wife!

VLAD
So, what of it?

LENA
How’s this what of it? You blatantly lied to your own wife, just like Dima to Vicky!
You shouldn’t be gobbling BBQ at the cottage, but negotiating a lucrative
contract! Who deceived me? Who promised a mountain of gold?

VLAD
And you only worry about money?

LENA
Yes, I do! Who doesn’t?

VLAD
That’s no news to me. I’ve always felt that all you need from me is money.

VAL
I feel that I’m the fifth wheel here. I have to go home anyway...
(Gets up.)
Urgently...

VLAD
Come on, Val, I’ll give you a ride.
 I-23

VAL
No need, I’ll take the train.

VLAD
Told you I’m driving, so I’m driving. Come on...

(VAL and VLAD start to exit together.)

LENA
Wait! When are you coming back? Wait for you or not?

VLAD
Don’t wait... I’ll go by myself.

LENA
(Follows.)
You don’t say, by himself... Turns out to be some cat... He’ll walk by himself...
Well, enjoy yourself! You think someone would need such a cat? No one needs
such a cat! No one would even look for him! A cat is after all a cat, plays the field
but still comes home by himself...

(MAXIMILIAN enters.)

MAXIMILIAN
So, what’s this, no one will search? What’s this return by itself?

(A puzzled silence.)

MAXIMILIAN (cont’d)
What does it all mean, gentlemen? Are you refusing to search for the cat? Do I
understand you correctly?

LENA
What cat? What are you talking about, mister?

MAXIMILIAN
Exactly! So, are you refusing to search for Sydor Lvovich’s cat or not?

LENA
What Sydor Lvovich?

MAXIMILIAN
There’s only one Sydor Lvovich.

LENA
Really? That one?
 I-24

MAXIMILIAN
Yes. Him.

VICKY
And he has a cat?

MAXIMILIAN
He does, but it’s missing.

LENA
Can’t be!

MAXIMILIAN
It can. And it is.
 II-1

Act Two
The curtain rises on the same scenery. MAXIMILIAN
and VADIM enter. VADIM has a bag over his
shoulder.

MAXIMILIAN
Vadim Petrovich, I want to draw your special attention to this lot.

VADIM
I’m listening, Maximilian Vyacheslavovich.

MAXIMILIAN
It’s my firm belief that there’re very suspicious people here.

VADIM
(Takes out a notebook and writes.)
So... Su-s-pi-ci-ous... May I ask a question?

MAXIMILIAN
Certainly.

VADIM
What’s this suspicion of theirs?

MAXIMILIAN
You don’t understand me. It’s not their suspicion. They don’t suspect us. Who are
they to suspect such as you and me? Or Sydor Lvovich? Nobody. No, I’m saying
that these people arouse special suspicion in me. And since they arouse suspicion
in me, they should arouse suspicion in you. Understand?

VADIM
Now I understand. I understand that I should suspect them.

MAXIMILIAN
Well done, Vadim Petrovich. You understand correctly.

VADIM
Then please allow me to ask one more question.

MAXIMILIAN
Ask.

VADIM
What’s the basis of your suspicion?
 II-2

MAXIMILIAN
Everything.

VADIM
What do you mean everything? Where are the facts? I’m a professional, please
give me the facts. Where are these facts?

MAXIMILIAN
Why do you need facts? Isn’t my personal opinion enough for you? Or I’m already
not an authority to you?

VADIM
That’s not it at all! Of course you’re an authority, and your opinion is more than
enough for me. But, you yourself understand, I have to write a report on work
done. And in this report, can I solely rely on your personal opinion?

MAXIMILIAN
Ah-h... Understood... Fine, your way then. Here’re the facts...
(Points.)
Here, Vadim, the first fact that rouses suspicion.

VADIM
What fact?

MAXIMILIAN
The BBQ!

VADIM
What? The BBQ? I don’t understand. What about the BBQ?

MAXIMILIAN
I’ve no doubt that you won’t understand right away...
(Approaches the BBQ.)
Come here... Here, look!

VADIM
(Approaches the BBQ.)
Okay... I’m looking.

MAXIMILIAN
Well? What do you see?

VADIM
Well...
(Looks around.)
Nothing special... BBQ, like a BBQ... Lots of meat, but nothing suspicious... So
far, no fact is evident, Maximilian Vyacheslavovich.
 II-3

MAXIMILIAN
Really? Vadim, do you ever think before you say anything?

VADIM
Why? I do sometimes.

MAXIMILIAN
Precisely, perhaps sometimes. But I can argue that this time you were clearly not
thinking. Ought to think as you should.

VADIM
Maximilian Vyacheslavovich, have pity on me! How can I think about BBQ? I
simply can’t... Especially as I should.

MAXIMILIAN
What talk is that? What do you mean you can’t think about BBQ?

VADIM
Here’s what it means. As soon as I think about BBQ, I want to eat them. I simply
can’t resist...
(Takes some meat from the BBQ and starts to eat.)

MAXIMILIAN
Well? What do you say now? Tasty?

VADIM
Yes, it’s like, nothing... Only very cold.

MAXIMILIAN
Aha! Got it, at last?

VADIM
Got what?

MAXIMILIAN
Do you know the saying “the proof of the pudding”?

VADIM
(Chews.)
Hmm-m-m-m...

MAXIMILIAN
Well? Convinced that the food is cold?

VADIM
So?
 II-4

MAXIMILIAN
What do you mean so? Think for yourself, get your brain in gear! Four strapping
fellows came to the cottage especially to have a BBQ, right?

VADIM
(Chews.)
Hmm-m-m-m...

MAXIMILIAN
And what do we see? Nothing. Where are the guys? No guys! They’re nowhere...
At least, not where they’re expected at the given moment. And in the meantime,
the meat is lying here, lonely, cooling quickly...

VADIM
(Chews.)
But tasty all the same.

MAXIMILIAN
Worse for them! Think, who’s capable of such a thing?

VADIM
What?

MAXIMILIAN
Who’s capable of leaving tasty, ready for consumption meat and runs off?

VADIM
(Chews.)
Nobody... Nobody can... Not a single man...

MAXIMILIAN
Exactly ! No honest, respectable man will leave BBQ meat like this, cooling, in the
open air!

VADIM
I agree... No respectable man would.

MAXIMILIAN
There! And now follow the train of my thoughts. It implies that the people who
were here weren’t... What? Res-pec-ta-ble!

VADIM
(Stops chewing.)
Ye-s? And the only reason?

MAXIMILIAN
 II-5

No, not the only reason. There’re more details, far more disturbing ones. For
example, these previous, if I may call them, gentlemen. I’ve already made some
inquiries about them and found the following... Here, look...
(Pulls out a photo.)
One of them was formerly, best to express it... An agent, perhaps? Currently
under investigation... Here, take a close look!

VADIM
(Looks.)
This one? Ye-s, no denying it, a very unpleasant face.

MAXIMILIAN
The face has nothing to do with it. The important thing is that the investigation of
this one is still not over yet, but in principle, the matter can also be shut down.
And if such an influential person as Sydor Lvovich intervenes...

VADIM
Yes? And will he?

MAXIMILIAN
That’s the thing! You’re right in raising the question. If Sydor Lvovich intervenes,
then everything can end favorably for this character. After all, Sydor Lvovich can
do a lot for whoever finds his beloved cat... Do you understand what I’m saying?

VADIM
Not quite.

MAXIMILIAN
What a slowpoke you are, Vadim! What’s not to understand here. Just imagine to
yourself: what if someone, let it even be this same character, finds the cat and
brings it himself? Here I draw your attention to: himself! So, if he were to bring
the cat himself to Sydor Lvovich, then they, I don’t exclude such a possibility,
could even, figuratively speaking, become friends. Do you understand now for
what reason this variation doesn’t suit us? It’s necessary, absolutely necessary,
that I and nobody else will bring this cat to Sydor Lvovich!

VADIM
Really?

MAXIMILIAN
Yes. Only in this case he’ll show much favor to my happiness. And I to yours...
Understand?

VADIM
Now I do. It would be very helpful... So, as I understand it, if something happens,
I have to cut this agent off?
 II-6

MAXIMILIAN
Why?

VADIM
Well... So that he won’t find the cat.

MAXIMILIAN
Why? Quite the opposite, let him find the cat! Let everyone search for it! The
important thing is, when they find the cat, they won’t dare return it to Sydor
Lvovich, but hand it to us. That’s the main thing for us.

VADIM
I think that won’t be too hard to do.

MAXIMILIAN
You shouldn’t think this way... Here...
(Shows another photo.)
Look at this face... Well, what do you say now?

VADIM
(Examines the photo.)
It’s some other agent... Or, perhaps, not an agent at all... At least, doesn’t look it...
But I wouldn’t reconnoiter with this one.

MAXIMILIAN
And quite right. I assume he’s a very slippery fish. Imagine: in our time, he
manages to have two wives at once!

VADIM
Wow!

MAXIMILIAN
One legal, the other common law, and both at their own expense. And both with
children.

VADIM
Both with children?

MAXIMILIAN
Yes! Both with children. And the kids are old enough that it’s time to get them
into good spots... Do you understand what I’m talking about?

VADIM
I think I’m beginning to. He would also want to have Sydor Lvovich as a friend,
right?

MAXIMILIAN
 II-7

You sometimes say very sensible things, Vadim. Precisely these two, Kosta and
Val, as they call themselves, can pose special danger to us. Because, if they find
the cat, they can try...

VADIM
To get around us!

MAXIMILIAN
They can, Vadim, they can. But we won’t let them. Won’t let them, as you express
it...

VADIM
Of course, we won’t! We can make it such that they come to us and stop instead of
going around us as they aren’t supposed to... Only, Maximilian Vyacheslavovich,
as I recall, you said that there’re not two, but four highly suspicious characters?

MAXIMILIAN
Yes... Here...
(Pulls out more photos.)
Two more... However, these two aren’t as dangerous.

VADIM
Why?

MAXIMILIAN
They’re simply guys with wives. True, they also need money for their own
pursuits...

VADIM
Goes without saying. Everybody needs money.

MAXIMILIAN
True, Vadim. Therefore, never take eyes off them... Or off their wives. I’ve already
seen them, and it seems to me that these two particularly know which side their
bread is buttered... And here, by the way, is one of them...

(LENA enters, clearly after a swim.)

LENA
You’re here again? Can’t find the cat? We told you: if we see your cat, we’ll try to
catch it. And if we catch it, we’ll let you know for sure.

MAXIMILIAN
We came to ask how the search is going.
 II-8

LENA
What search? Can’t you see that I’m still wet from the lake?

MAXIMILIAN
Why the lake? There was no indication of the lake. Why didn’t you start the
search where planned?

LENA
Why didn’t we? We did, only... Then it became very hot, so we decided to go for a
swim... But what are you doing here? On someone else’s lot, without the host...

VADIM
Here... Having some BBQ.

LENA
(Surprised.)
Re-al-ly?

MAXIMILIAN
Yes.

LENA
(Drawls.)
We-ll, o-k... Who gave you permission to eat?

MAXIMILIAN
What, are you, my dear, suggesting that anyone can forbid Sydor Lvovich’s
assistant to have some BBQ if he suddenly wants to eat them?
(Takes some meat and starts to eat it.)

LENA
No, no, of course not! You aren’t thinking that I forbid you. Please, please, eat to
your heart’s content, as much as you want

MAXIMILIAN
(Chews.)
That’s another story... So, are you saying that the rest are still at the lake?

LENA
Well... Probably.

MAXIMILIAN
(Turns to VADIM.)
You understand what needs to be done?

VADIM
 II-9

Yes. Go to the lake... Everything should be under control...

(Exits.)

MAXIMILIAN
Well done. And I’ll go to Sydor Lvovich... Report to him...
(Exits.)

LENA
(Alone.)
Whoa, got into a pretty mess. You wouldn’t believe it... Only why did I come here?
I’d rather sit peacefully at home by myself, watch TV, but no! I panicked about
my Vovka... But what would happen to him? Nothing. Well, he would be drinking
with friends and that’s all. And all would be fine, for me, for him. Now Vovka’s
somewhere unknown, and these representatives with their cats were being a
pain... Much I need their cat! Let it vanish into thin air! This cat managed to run
away from its Sydor Lvovich... Here’s the problem, such a problem. Can’t refuse
to search. Can’t say to this Sydor Lvovich, “Take your cat and shove it!” Even not
worth it to say it to his assistant... No doubt about the assistant, better to keep
quiet even in front of his chauffeur... Though what does it mean to keep quiet?
Perhaps, better think for a bit? Maybe something interesting would turn out. If,
on the contrary, catch the cat? And take it to its owner? Might be able to get
something for it... And get something very considerable... Exactly! Smart
thinking, Lena...
(Goes to the bushes, calling the cat.)
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty! Kitty, kitty, where are you? Come to Mommy, I’ll give you
some goodies! Kitty, kitty, kitty...

(Strange noises come from somewhere behind the bushes.)

LENA
(Scared.)
Oh! Who’s that? Really the cat? It’s not a cat but a real tiger! Kitty, is it you? If it’s
you, don’t be afraid, I won’t do anything to you...
(Hears rustling and inarticulate sounds.)
No, it doesn’t seem to be a cat! Who’s there? I ask, who’s there? Answer quickly,
or you’ll pay for it. I’m now running to the authorized representative Sydor
Lvovich! He’ll show you for scaring people!

(VLAD crawls out from the bushes, holding a package, very drunk.)

VLAD
Ah-h-h! Where am I?

LENA
Vovka, it’s you? So, turns out it’s you... And managed to get drunk already?

VLAD
 II-10

No, I’m not drunk... Simply drank... Quite a bit... For the mood.

LENA
Vovka! Answer quick, before you pass out! Where’s the car?

VLAD
Calm down! Everything’s under control...
(Points to the side.)
Car’s there.

LENA
Where’s there? How can you leave it? It can be stolen!

VLAD
No-o...

LENA
What no-o?

VLAD
No one steals the car from the ditch.

LENA
Wht-at? You crashed it? Do you know what I’ll do with you after this?

VLAD
Softly! I said, softly... Everything’s fine with the car... In general terms, of course.

LENA
What’s not fine then? You? Vovka, everything’s ok with you?

VLAD
Softly! Everything’s ok with me... See, I didn’t fall under the wheel? I didn’t.

LENA
What? Did you almost get run over?

VLAD
Lena! You silly woman! Though my wife... How could I get run over by my own
car if I’m driving? He could, but I couldn’t.

LENA
Who’s he?

VLAD
It’s... What’s his...
 II-11

LENA
Vovka! Did you kill someone?

VLAD
Lena, calm down. I didn’t kill anyone, because it wasn’t quite a person...

LENA
Vovka! Don’t squirm! Give it to me straight, what happened?

VLAD
I’ll tell you: I was eating, eating, then... Then I don’t remember... Remember
nothing... Also don’t remember why I don’t remember.

LENA
Because you’re dead drunk!

VLAD
No! I wasn’t drunk. Val and I just had a little... And then, on account of...

LENA
On account of what?

VLAD
Also don’t remember on account of what. Only remember that I sat behind the
wheel later and drove... I was driving, driving… Driving, driving...

LENA
And drove here!

VLAD
No! I didn’t... The fact of the matter is that I didn’t. I drove into a ditch, because...
Because...

LENA
Because you were drunk!

VLAD
No! Not that... Because I knocked down someone... There.

LENA
Who? Whom did you knock down? Come on, remember quickly, else you’re going
to get it.

VLAD
Remember what? Here, I have it with me. Wrap up in my jacket... This ginger...
 II-12

LENA
Wh-at? You ran over a cat? What if it’s Sydor Lvovich’s cat?

VLAD
Don’t know what cat... Perhaps even Sydor Lvovich’s... Take a look...
(Starts to unfold the package.)
Can even show Sydor Lvovich...

LENA
Are you out of your mind! Wrap it up now and don’t even try to show it to
anybody! Are you aware who Sydor Lvovich is and what he’ll do to us for his cat?

VLAD
What?

LENA
Better you ran over him than his cat!

VLAD
Seriously? It would be better?

LENA
At least for me. As for you, I don’t know. I only know that without Sydor Lvovich,
nobody needs his cat, but now everyone will be searching for this cat, and until
the cat’s found, there’ll be no peace! And if they find it in your jacket, it’d be so
bad for us you’ll wish it had never happened!

VLAD
(Whispers.)
Re-al-ly?

LENA
That’s re-al-ly for you.

VLAD
Lena, don’t worry. I’ll arrange everything.

LENA
You already did!

VLAD
Aha! Finally realized what a smart guy you have? How everything turns out
smartly for him...

LENA
Yeah, so smart! Car in the ditch, smashed...
 II-13

VLAD
No-t, not smashed... Only flipped over... Not totaled.

LENA
And what’s totaled? Sydor Lvovich’s cat?

VLAD
What cat? Nobody saw it but me. I immediately put it under my arm! And ran
from the scene.

LENA
Good, at least thought of that. At least didn’t leave it on the road next to the car.

VLAD
Lena, you offend me. Maybe I drank a little, but am I a fool? Why should we be in
trouble because of some stray cat? Even though it’s Sydor Lvovich’s.

LENA
We’re in trouble because of your eternal boozing! Didn’t drink, wouldn’t have
killed the cat.

VLAD
Maybe, didn’t drink, wouldn’t have killed the cat... But crashed into something
else instead?

LENA
What?

VLAD
Well, anything... A pole, for example... Or a tree... Or even another car.

LENA
Pah! Still not enough for you?

VLAD
Ah-h, scared! Started to feel sorry for your husband? I know, I know, sorry that I
suffer all kinds of tyranny from you.

LENA
And I from you! But, mind you, sooner or later, any patience will run out.

VLAD
Yeah, mine too.

LENA
Wha-at?
 II-14

VLAD
How much longer do I have to keep it under my arm? I’m sick of it, let’s do
something else with it.

LENA
You made the bed, you sleep in it, don’t drag me into your disgrace.

VLAD
What am I supposed to do with it? I can give it to you...
(Hands her the bundle.)
Here you go...

LENA
(Recoils in disgust.)
Are you mad? What, you think it’s great fun to look at a dead cat?

VLAD
You don’t have to look, Lena. Just take it from me and hide it somewhere...
(Tries to give her the bundle.)
Somewhere far away.

LENA
(Runs off to the side.)
I told you, I don’t need it!

VLAD
(Chases after her.)
Lena! I beg you! Take it from me, I’m sick of it

LENA
(Runs away.)
I said no, that means no!

VLAD
(Chases after her.)
Lena, be a man! You’re not only my wife, you’re also a person...

LENA
I’m a woman! And you have no idea how to treat women!

VLAD
How?

LENA
Properly! First, don’t shove dead cats under their noses...

VLAD
 II-15

Alright... And that’s all?

LENA
No, not all! Far from it.

VLAD
What else?

LENA
Lots. Remember, once and for all, women are not guys! Women need a special
approach, attention, continuous... Give gifts, flowers...

VLAD
(In amazement.)
Flow-ow-wer-s?

LENA
Yes, flowers. You can’t imagine how important it is to women. Always. Every day.

VLAD
Every day? Flowers every day?

LENA
Yes, every day.

VLAD
Alright, flowers, so flowers... If you want... Though every day...
(Walks over to his bag with flowers sticking out.)
Oh!
(Falls down.)
Here’s a pit coming from nowhere.

LENA
Pits don’t appear by themselves.
(Helps VLAD up.)
I dug this hole with my own hands.

VLAD
This is so good! You’re wonderful, Lena, priceless... Now we’ll bury this rotten cat
in the hole.

LENA
And they won’t bury us later in this pit? What do you think they’ll do to us when
they find Sydor Lvovich’s cat on our lot?

VLAD
(Covers the bundle with soil.)
 II-16

Have no fear, they won’t find it... We’ll plant flowers on top... You love flowers?
Now you can admire them, everyday... And they’ll remind you what a wonderful
husband you have... How he cares for his wife... Plant for her flow-ow-e-ers...
(Reaches for the bag and falls.)

LENA
(Helps VLAD up.)
Dummy! Can’t keep on your feet, has to... Okay, do something...
(Starts to shove the flowers into the soil.)
Blockhead! Why did you bury the jacket together with the cat? Don’t feel sorry for
your new jacket?

VLAD
(Helps LENA.)
I’m just... For the conspiracy.

LENA
(Buries the flowers.)
Oh, you bloody conspirator... Kill the jacket... And the car... And the important
thing, Sydor Lvovich’s cat...

VLAD
There’s no longer a cat! Where is it? Nothing! That’s it, forget about it.

LENA
Yeah? And maybe forget about the car in the ditch too? And the new jacket?

(VICKY, DIMA, KOSTA enter.)

VICKY
Guys, just take a look at them! Together again and already at work... And how
they’re cooing tenderly, the lovebirds! You wouldn’t think that they already
managed to have a fight today.

DIMA
You call that a fight?

KOSTA
Vlad! You hear me? Did you take Val home or drop him off at the terminus?

VLAD
Oh! Konstantin! Hello, hello... Dima! You’re here too? With Vicky? Mamma mia,
I haven’t seen her for so long! Let me kiss you!

KOSTA
Vovka, seems to me you’ve had a drop too much.
 II-17

LENA
He did, Kosta, he did. You bet he did.

DIMA
So what even if a guy had a drop? But then he quickly got down to work! Didn’t
he managed to get here, start to plant flowers, like no BBQ is waiting for him...
Doesn’t matter, now we’ll also take something, and...

VLAD
By the way, I’m not just plating flowers! Do you know what’s under them?

KOSTA
What?

LENA
Vovka, shut up!

VLAD
Why should I if my friend asks me? Should I tell him about the cat or not?

KOSTA
What cat?

VLAD
Lena says Sydor Lvovich’s.

VICKY
Lena, is that true?

LENA
I have nothing to do with it! It’s all him!

VLAD
How nothing? Who buried the cat with me?

LENA
Who ran over it?

DIMA
How?

LENA
With the car, naturally... Not with his hands.

VICKY
Lena, where is it? Where’s your car?
 II-18

LENA
Ask him where...
(Points to VLAD.)
Maybe he’ll describe it clearer to you.

VLAD
What else to describe? I already did, clearly... I tell you: the car went bang! Into
the ditch.

KOSTA
You’re at least insured?

VLAD
Why? I tell you: bang, and into the ditch... Flipped over, that’s all... Nothing
terrible.

LENA
Well, did you hear? Understand anything?

VICKY
Can say almost nothing.

LENA
I only understood that he and Val loaded up for some occasion.

VLAD
Don’t cheat! We didn’t load up. Val and I only had a little to drink.

LENA
Shut up! And here he sat behind the wheel in such a state.

VICKY
And the cops didn’t stop him?

VLAD
I’m not afraid of no cops. I like a drink, so behind the wheel... Like a robot! I drive
straight... On autopilot... If not for this, what’s his... Cat... If not for it, would have
been here long ago... But had to go on foot.

KOSTA
If you ran over Sydor Lvovich’s cat, then it’s not very nice on your part. We can all
be in very big trouble if it’s discovered.

VICKY
Why do you say we? Dima and I are outsiders here.

KOSTA
 II-19

Have no illusion about this. This Maximilian Vyacheslavovich surely has collected
detail information on you already.

DIMA
And who allows him to collect information on us?

KOSTA
But who’ll forbid him? And by the way, here he is. Speaking of the devil...

(MAXIMILIAN enters.)

MAXIMILIAN
So... I see almost all are here... Well, and what’re you busy with here? Why the
silence? Do you hear me? Host! Where’s the host, I ask you?

VLAD
I’m here.

MAXIMILIAN
What’re you doing here?

VLAD
We... We’re burying this, what’s his...

(They cover VLAD’S mouth and push him back.)

LENA
Flowers. We’re burying flowers.

MAXIMILIAN
I don’t understand. Why do you have to bury flowers?

LENA
How else? If you don’t bury them, they won’t grow. Right, Vicky?

VICKY
Right, Lena. Flower won’t grow without soil, even a child understands that. Have
to bury them so that they’ll grow.

MAXIMILIAN
Strange... More than strange...
(Pulls out a notebook and scribbles down something.)
How strangely you women express yourselves... By the way, has Vadim been
here?

DIMA
Which Vadim?
 II-20

MAXIMILIAN
Vadim Petrovich, my assistant.

VICKY
You have an assistant?

MAXIMILIAN
Why? Everybody who’s supposed to has an assistant.

VLAD
(Looks out from behind everyone.)
And I’ve an assistant! My Lena. She helps me greatly, buried this... What’s his...

(They grab VLAD and get him out of sight.)

LENA
Flowers. You already said this, no need to repeat a hundred times.

VLAD
(Breaks away.)
No, not flowers! We stuck the flowers in later. Have you forgotten already? At
first we drop into the pit this... Ginger...

(They again cover VLAD’S mouth and push him back.)

KOSTA
Dirt. You dropped dirt when you buried the flowers. Calm down, we already
heard this.

MAXIMILIAN
Why don’t you let the man talk?

LENA
He’s talking nonsense.

MAXIMILIAN
All the same let him talk... Why not give him the chance to come to a logical end?

DIMA
Too early for him to come to a logical end. Still time for him to live, and live...

VLAD
(Looks out from behind everyone.)
Right! I still want to live! I don’t intend to die! I’m not some rotten cat to you...

(They get VLAD out of sight.)

 II-21

MAXIMILIAN
Wha-at? What does it all mean? What are you hinting at?
(Shouts.)
Vadim! Vadim, help! I need your help right now! Something completely
unimaginable has happened here... Va-di-i-im! Va-di-i-im!
(Runs away, shouting.)

LENA
(Hits VLAD on the back.)
Here’s a parasite! Nasty drunk! What have you done, you skunk?

KOSTA
What’s done is done. Now we’ve precisely gotten into a fine mess. Can say we’re
done for.

LENA
What’re we going to do now? Are we just going to stand here with arms hanging?
Are you men or what?

VLAD
No, we won’t just stand here! Not with arm hanging! Instead, we’re going to join
hands, and sing and dance, to spite any Sydor.
(Grabs the others’ hands and sings a well-known song of the Stagnation
Era.)
“Let’s join hands, my friends, let’s join hands, my friends, so that we don’t die
alone...”

LENA
Will you get him to pipe down! Aren’t you tired of listening to this drunken
nonsense?

DIMA
Let’s dunk him in water. That should help... At least it always helps me.

KOSTA
(Holds one of VLAD’S arms.)
Me too.

DIMA
(Holds VLAD’S other arm.)
To the lake?

KOSTA
Why so far? Let’s do the water treatment here...
(Together with DIMA take VLAD to the bucket of water and dunk his
head in.)
 II-22

LENA
Hey, hey, you be careful! Watch he doesn’t choke.

VLAD
(Sputters.)
Brr-r-r! Ooh! What’s that for?

VICKY
For that! For all the good you’ve done to us with this cat.

DIMA
Know what, my friends? What we wouldn’t do now, but all the same we can’t do
without the cat.

LENA
But no more cat.

KOSTA
Cat or no cat, Dima’s right. By all means must get a cat. Even from underground.

VICKY
Are you kidding? Offer to dig out this dead cat?

KOSTA
Why this one? Did I really say this one? Have to find one other than this and try
to palm it off on them. If only this assistant and his assistant would leave us
alone.

DIMA
Right, Konstantin, I think so too. What’s the difference, this one or that one? To
me, cats all have the same mug, insolent. Catch any and palm it off to them...

VICKY
What are you talking about? All have the same mug... If you must know, they’re
all different... Mugs... There’re different breeds of cats.

DIMA
So, find a cat of the same breed. We have its picture...
(Digs in his pocket and pulls out a photo.)
Here! We all have this.. His assistant handed them out.

LENA
Where to find one though?

KOSTA
(Takes the photo.)
 II-23

The problem isn’t to find one but find one quickly... Would like to know who has
one.

VLAD
(Leans over and looks.)
I know someone.

LENA
(Pushes VLAD away.)
Shut up! You aren’t allowed a word.

VLAD
I tell you, I know where to find such a cat.

KOSTA
Where?

LENA
Don’t listen to him! Since he got drunk, forever spouts all kinds of nonsense.

VLAD
Who’s drunk? You think I’m drunk? Besides, I’m totally sober. I tell you, my
godson has exactly the same cat.
(Pulls out a photo from somewhere and shows it.)
Here he is! With his favorite cat...
(Pulls out another photo.)
And this here... Quiet.

KOSTA
(Takes the photo and compares.)
True, so alike... Will he give it to us?

VLAD
What? The cat? My own godson? For a while? Of course he will!

DIMA
Then must go to him. And immediately.

LENA
Easier said than done. Go in what? Our car has gone bye-bye! The train? It’s so
long to the city and then back...

VLAD
Then have to phone Val. He lives in the same building as my godson! Well, that
is, not quite live there, but... In short, visits Tamara there. If he’s at her place,
then let him get the cat and fly to us here!
 II-24

VICKY
In what?

LENA
Even in a taxi, just the thing. It’s not far if you go directly by car.

KOSTA
Getting here isn’t a problem, but phoning him is... The battery in my cell phone.

VLAD
(Slaps his forehead.)
Ah-h-h! Remember!

DIMA
Remember what?

VLAD
Remember what Val and I were celebrating!
(Turns to KOSTA.)
We celebrated the purchase of a battery for your cell phone!

KOSTA
A battery?

VLAD
Yeah! I specially bought a spare in town for you...
(Pulls something out of his pocket.)
Here it is!

LENA
(Grabs the battery from VLAD.)
Give it over! Kosta, put it in quick and phone! Phone, my dear, phone, my good
man, perhaps we’ll get out of this yet. We only have to deliver this cat, they can
figure it over there whether it’s the right cat or not...

DIMA
Come on, Konstantin, don’t waste time.

KOSTA
There, now, one moment... Everything will be done...
 III-1

Act Three
The curtain rises on the same scene. VLAD sits at a
distance.

KOSTA
(Looks at his watch.)
Should already be here... He’s late.

LENA
If only everything turns out.

DIMA
Don’t worry, everything will. He already has the cat.

VICKY
The only bad thing is that it’s a completely different cat.

DIMA
So? Val said he checked it against the photo. In his opinion, one and the same
face.

VICKY
Cats don’t have faces. Never say an animal has a face.

DIMA
Why never? In my opinion, it’s prejudice.

VICKY
No, it’s not. A person is a person, an animal is an animal.

DIMA
What do you call it then?

VICKY
A person has a face. An animal has a mug. That’s what.

VLAD
A person’s can also be a mug.

KOSTA
Vlad, likely you’re coming to your senses. Start to say clever things.

LENA
I don’t see anything clever in this.
 III-2

KOSTA
Not so. There’s deeper meaning hidden in his statement.

LENA
There’s no such thing.

KOSTA
Don’t say that. This, my friends, is a philosophical question. On the one hand, he
firmly establishes that an animal shouldn’t have a face, but on the other hand, a
person can have a face as well as a mug. So, it appears that a person can embody
at the same time both himself and a beast, that is, a creature below him in the
universal hierarchy.

DIMA
So?

KOSTA
But this contradicts the laws of the hierarchy. According to these laws, the higher
should dominate the lower, not identify with it. The lower is always more
aggressive and in meeting its own interest and needs is not capable of self-
restraint...

VLAD
Konstantin, which do you identify with? The higher or the lower?

KOSTA
In what sense?

VLAD
Are you capable of self-restraint?

KOSTA
Me? But how can you say...

DIMA
And you tell him certainly. When the investigator asks you why you needed so
much money, then you answer.

KOSTA
Are you mad? What money? I don’t have any money! It’s all slander.

DIMA
Excellent, Konstantin. Stick to your own guns. You’ll tell him that well, I have no
BMW, nor a cottage nor apartment in Moscow, not a villa in the Canary Islands…

KOSTA
 III-3

Stop repeating newspaper gossip!

LENA
That’s right, Dima, what joke is this? Why are you repeating this nonsense from
TV chatterboxes? Hasn’t Kosta given you lots of help? Remember how many
times he’s sponsored your silly “developments” of use to no one? Forgotten
already?

DIMA
No, I haven’t. Three times in all. And each time a pittance.

VLAD
Dima, you’re a mug. That’s really, really a mug, such a mug.

LENA
Vovka, stop! Haven’t sober up yet?

VICKY
Don’t insult my husband.

VLAD
Nobody here is insulting him.

VICKY
And who calls him a mug? He may be no gift from God, but don’t identify him
with these...creatures lower in the universal hierarchy, as you put it... You
yourself are a mug.

VLAD
Well, let’s be mugs. So what?

VICKY
I know, you don’t care a straw about anything! With you, any situation is like
water off a duck’s back. You mess things up and never answer for the
consequences.

VLAD
How do I not answer?

VICKY
You think that others are simply obligated to bail you out of trouble. You fall into
it by your own fault and drag others in as well.

VLAD
I drag nobody in with me.

VICKY
 III-4

You still say that even now you didn’t drag all of us in!

LENA
Vicky, calm down. So far there isn’t any trouble yet.

VICKY
That’s exactly, so far. But I have a feeling.

LENA
You always have a feeling something is wrong.

VICKY
What do you mean?

LENA
Do you remember how you had a feeling before you and Dima’s wedding?
Remember how you cried, complained to me what trouble fell to your lot?

DIMA
Wha-at? So, that’s how? So, I was trouble for you?

VICKY
Yeah, what trouble you are. Much more than you imagine.

DIMA
What am I then?

VICKY
Well... Can say just a misunderstanding.

LENA
Vic-ky-y!

VICKY
Vicky what? Isn’t that so?

LENA
I warned you, don’t complain later.

VICKY
Indeed, am I complaining? Nothing for me to complain about... And not for
anyone.

VLAD
Why not anyone? Will be for Sydor Lvovich, when we give him the cat.

VICKY
 III-5

I’ll complain when we do. About you! I’ll tell him how you killed his cat and
buried it.

KOSTA
You won’t do that.

VICKY
I certainly will! To spite you.

VLAD
You’ll be the first to regret this.

KOSTA
The point isn’t she’ll regret. How can she if they won’t let her near him?

VICKY
Let whom? You perhaps? Ah, yes, of course! You’re one of them. Only the cat isn’t
enough for you to return to them.

LENA
Vicky, aren’t you ashamed to talk like that to Kosta? As if you don’t understand
that the main thing for him now is not to find himself, and permanently, in a
completely different company.

VICKY
What company?

LENA
In the company of people... How to say this... With a hard life, perhaps?

DIMA
We all have a hard life. People with an easy life don’t live here.

LENA
You misunderstand me.

VLAD
No, he doesn’t. He’s just looking out for a place for himself there in advance.

DIMA
Why do you think for myself and not for you?

VICKY
Dima! Maybe you should stop before it’s too late!

DIMA
What, am I wrong really? Or do you think this Sydor Lvovich will pet him on the
 III-6

head for the cat? He’ll drag him to court!

KOSTA
What court? You, Dmitrii, in your naiveté, even have no idea who this Sydor
Lvovich is. He needs a trial only as an exemplary demonstration. If necessary, he
settles a score with anyone without any court.

DIMA
Then why get you into court instead of secretly settling a score with you?

KOSTA
Too long to explain... All the same you won’t understand.

DIMA
Where do we stand... But I’ll tell you one thing: if Vovka ran over not the cat but
my pit bull, for example, I won’t consider that I’ve known him for twenty years.
I’ll strangle him with my own hands!

LENA
Then it’s good that you’re not Sydor Lvovich... And Sydor Lvovich isn’t you. At
least he won’t strangle our Vovka with his own hands.

VICKY
Why do you say our? He’s yours, not ours.

LENA
Mine, so mine. So far I haven’t written him off yet.

VLAD
What does it mean so far?

LENA
Here’s what it means... And don’t get it into your head to bug me anymore, nasty
drunk!

VLAD
No, I want to know what does it mean so far?

KOSTA
Vlad, now’s not the time nor place to clarify your relationship with your wife.

VLAD
By the way, I haven’t even started.

KOSTA
Good. Since you haven’t started, you don’t have to continue.
 III-7

VICKY
Lord, I’m so sick of it all! Can’t stand cats at all since I was a kid! I like dogs...
(Wild cat screams and strange sounds come from somewhere.)

LENA
What’s that?

DIMA
Seems to me a cat is screaming somewhere nearby.

LENA
Another one?

VLAD
Why is it screaming so strangely?

KOSTA
And who can figure out these cats, why some scream and others jump under
wheels?

VICKY
If it’s a cat, then it’s screaming at something terrible...

(Strange sounds approaching.)

LENA
You’re right, Vicky.

DIMA
She’s right nothing. This cat simply has a loud voice.

KOSTA
Very loud... And I wouldn’t say only a cat...

(VAL makes his way through the bushes. In his hands is a cage wrapped
up in cloth.)

LENA
Finally! What took you so long? Brought the cat?

VAL
(Panting.)
Here it is, in the cage... Phew... Got to you somehow... Barely escaped.

KOSTA
From whom?
 III-8

VAL
The heck I know? Some strange fellow was sticking to me like glue.

DIMA
What fellow?

VAL
So wild, like a maniac. Chased me for a long time...

VICKY
What a nightmare!

LENA
Now we’re only short a maniac here.

KOSTA
Oh, stop it! What maniac?

DIMA
A maniac won’t chase Val. They generally stalk broads.

VICKY
Who then ran after Val in the woods?

KOSTA
Maybe it’s a mistake. Maybe he wasn’t after Val.

VICKY
But whom? Val, you don’t know?

VAL
The hell I know whom he wanted? As soon as I got out of the cab, this cat at once
howled to the whole neighborhood as if I was skinning it alive. At first I said to it,
“Here kitty, kitty...” Then I got mad. “Shut up!” I said, “Or I’ll strangle you!” And
here right away this maniac jumped out at me! So huge, face distorted with rage,
foaming in the mouth, and shaking like a cripple. The cat paid me no attention
and howled even louder. I quickly wrapped the cage in cloth, and the maniac said
to me, “What are you doing! I’ll finish you off right on the spot” And fell on me
with his fists.

VICKY
And? What did you do?

VAL
What’s there for me to do? I grabbed the cage and ran, only not in this direction. I
ran, the cat howled, and this guy ran after me and was also yelling something.
Managed to escape by the skin of my teeth.
 III-9

KOSTA
(Looks to the side.)
Don’t think you did.

VAL
Why?

KOSTA
(Points to the side.)
See for yourself why.

VAL
(Looks.)
You’re right, Konstantin. The fellow’s still chasing me...
(Hides behind them.)

(SYDOR LVOVICH enters.)

SYDOR LVOVICH
(Notices the company.)
Where is he?

VLAD
(Steps forward.)
Who? Whom do you need? Who are you looking for?

SYDOR LVOVICH
Where is he, I ask you!

VLAD
What rights do you have to crash onto someone else’s party with crazy shouts?
Don’t you understand about private property? You can’t barge in without the
host’s permission! Are you aware what country and what time you’re living in?
Now’s not the time that you could get familiar with people, treat people this way.
Now, not just strangers, but you can’t even drop in on old trusted friends without
warning! And if you don’t recognize the new rules of human coexistence, you, at
best, will have to take yourself off from here none the wiser. But if luck should
look the other way, then you can easily get one between the eyes. Do you
understand what’s being said to you?

SYDOR LVOVICH
(Gesticulating wildly.)
No, I don’t understand! I don’t understand, and don’t even want to understand! I
absolutely don’t care who you are! I warn you beforehand that you shouldn’t
pretend to be insulted innocence. And don’t try to hide the felon if you don’t want
to find yourself in the dock! I’ll deal with you shortly!
 III-10

VICKY
Holy moly... Seems to me that this gentleman... That is, he’s not exactly a
gentleman, but this...
(Twirls a finger at her temple.)
In short, someone who needs special attention...

SYDOR LVOVICH
(Not noticing VICKY’S gesture.)
Naturally! Naturally a gentleman! I’d suggest you use this form of address in the
future. And naturally worthy of special attention!

DIMA
Yes, Vicky’s likely right. How the crazy breeds...

LENA
(Quietly.)
If so, he might even attack.

KOSTA
It’s possible. But perhaps he’ll go away by himself if he’s not contradicted.

VAL
(From behind their backs.)
Nothing going! This type don’t go away by themselves, usually in a straight
jacket...

SYDOR LVOVICH
(Notices VAL.)
Ah, there you are! Criminal! Villain! Robber! You think you can get away with
committing a crime in our country? Won’t work! You have to answer to the full
extent of the law! And I, for my part, will spare no effort in making sure you get it
in full, to the max, and even beyond! Cursed murderer...

VAL
Kosta, call 911! Tell them to send a brigade from the madhouse!

KOSTA
Useless. They won’t come to the cottage.

SYDOR LVOVICH
(Surprised.)
Wait, wait... So you’re here altogether? So, he didn’t arrange the kidnapping
alone? Ah, it’s a regular criminal organization! Simply put, a gang! My poor boy,
my darling Walter! What do they want with you? Gangster sirs! Friends! Don’t
kill my boy, I beg you, please let him go! Give darling Walter his papa! He’ll die
without me! I promise you I won’t do anything! I even won’t remember this, just
 III-11

give me back my boy! If you need money, I’m ready to pay a specified sum...
Within reason, of course.

LENA
Take it easy...
(Goes over to SYDOR LVOVICH and pets him.)
We’re completely not what you take us for... Don’t worry... Sit down, rest, maybe
you’ll feel better.

SYDOR LVOVICH
What rest! How can I take it easy without him? My heart won’t stop worrying
while I can’t hug my little one...
(Cries.)
While I can’t press him to my heart.

VLAD
(Surprised.)
What’s with him? See how the guy suffers!

VICKY
How would he not suffer if he’s lost a child.

DIMA
Looks like he’s off his rocker... Poor guy.

LENA
You don’t have to be afraid of us...
(Pets SYDOR LVOVICH.)
We aren’t criminals. It only seems so to you. We’re simply cottagers... The same
as you... We’re even willing to help you if we can.

DIMA
Of course! We’ll help any way we can. We even have a bottle of cognac. Can have
some for relaxation.

SYDOR LVOVICH
I’m already quite weak even without cognac.

DIMA
What’s this about cognac? It relaxes a man, not weaken!

SYDOR LVOVICH
I tell you in plain English: I don’t need your cognac! I have my own, oodles of it!
Better give me back my boy, my Walter, and you can continue on enjoying your
life. I won’t do anything to you, I swear! I tell you, I won’t get even.

VAL
 III-12

An obstinate friend. Wow, what an avenger, traditional...

SYDOR LVOVICH
(Angrily.)
How dare you mock me! Scum! Tyrant! Burglar! Tormentor of children!

VAL
(Cannot control himself, rushes at SYDOR LVOVICH.)
You make me sick, moron! Shut up, or I’ll rip your filthy mouth off! I’ll knock
some sense into you...

SYDOR LVOVICH
Wha-at? What did you say? Now I...

(A scuffle starts, the men try to separate the fighters, and hit the cage
with the cat. The cat howls and SYDOR LVOVICH shouts almost at the
same time.)

LENA, VICKY
Stop! What are you doing? Stop! Stop!

SYDOR LVOVICH
My boy, I’m here! I hear you! Papa is coming to help you!
(Rushes to the cage, gets the cat, and presses it to himself.)
Monsters! Torturers! Beasts! Really frightened you, my little one... Even can’t
recognize your papa...
(Pets the cat.)
It’s okay now, my nice, wonderful Walter... Now we’ll go home, been waiting for
you there for a long time... There you’ll be fine...
(About to leave.)

VLAD
Hey, stop! Leave the cat.

LENA
Why do you take someone else’s cat without permission?

SYDOR LVOVICH
It’s my cat, understand? Mine! You stole him from me.

VICKY
(Surprised.)
So you were looking for a cat? And I thought, your son.

DIMA
Val, own up! Why did you borrow this guy’s cat?
 III-13

VAL
What, have you cracked? I don’t know and have nothing to do with this guy!

LENA
Val, you probably trick us. Grabbed the first cat you came across in the woods
and dragged it here.

VAL
Why would I do that? I did what I was told. Brought it from town. It’s he who
tricked you! Sly bastard, plays the fool, acts abnormal, just wants to appropriate
someone else’s cat.

SYDOR LVOVICH
It’s my cat!

VAL
He lies! A blatant lie!

VICKY
Do you trick us?

SYDOR LVOVICH
I have no such need to trick anyone at all. Never!

LENA
Really? Why?

SYDOR LVOVICH
Because others do that for me.

VICKY
You don’t trick anyone? What are you, an alien?

VAL
Don’t believe him! Even an alien among us will lie, just like our people.

SYDOR LVOVICH
I’m not your people! Remember that once and for all! Don’t you forget it, I’m not
your people! I’m above you all!

VICKY
How’s that?

SYDOR LVOVICH
Just is.

DIMA
 III-14

But why is it you’re above us all?

SYDOR LVOVICH
Because I’m Sydor Lvovich.

LENA
(Dumbfounded.)
You’re Sydor Lvovich? So it’s you, Sydor Lvovich?

SYDOR LVOVICH
Yes... Now I hope you understand? Any more questions?

VLAD
But... But what about the cat?

SYDOR LVOVICH
This cat’s mine. Now you’re convinced of it... But it’d still be better if you,
altogether and individually, knew not only my cat but me in person.

DIMA
Why?

VICKY
(Fearfully.)
Shut up! Dima, shut up!

SYDOR LVOVICH
If you don’t understand why you should know Sydor Lvovich in person, then you
understand nothing in life at all.

DIMA
Don’t worry, I understand no worse than you. While I go on vacation, such Sydor
Lvoviches, maybe three or even more, will change. No need to go too far to find
an example. Here in one place in the recent past was one such Sydor Lvovich.
Also demanded that all should know him in person. Now he’s ready for plastic
surgery so no one would recognize him.

SYDOR LVOVICH
I don’t want to listen to such nonsense any more... Clearly people not quite all
there...
(Turns to the cat.)
Come, my dear, come, my pretty... Later we’ll figure out these... I don’t even know
what to call them...
(Tries to hide the cat in his jacket, but the cat howls, struggles to escape.)
Hush... it’s okay... Walter, what are you doing? Ah-h-h-h!
(The cat is seen attached to his face with its claws.)
What have you done to him? He’s gone mad! Ah-h! Help! Help me! He’ll rip me
 III-15

apart! Walter, don’t! Let me go! Off!

(Finally gets the cat off.)
Oh-h-h-h! Eyes, my eyes! Oh-h-h-h! Walter! Walter, where are you? Walter,
come back! Come back, Papa will forgive everything!

DIMA
(With admiration.)
Wow! Some cat!

KOSTA
Ripped his whole mug to pieces!

VLAD
(Proudly.)
What do you think? It’s a beast, not a cat! Can only take it anywhere in a cage. I
know this cat well. Such a sly SOB, sits quietly, then all of a sudden, as if not
itself, and attacks! Good at least the ears are intact.

LENA
Where are we to find it now?

VLAD
Why? It’ll go home by itself.

LENA
And Sydor Lvovich? He still thinks it’s his cat!

VLAD
His problem. As for the cat, don’t worry, it’ll find its way home from anywhere.
They’ve even stopped taking it to the cottage after it ran home from there twice.
And there was the time we took it on a fishing trip. It was so vile, left us, and we
had to go home early! Tina was so scared then, decided that something had
happened to us...

LENA
And you probably got drunk as usual! Enough of you and cats, better take a look
at Sydor Lvovich! The cat really tore him up like I don’t know what... The blood is
gushing so.

VAL
Ye-s... It’ll be better than any plastic surgery... Now even his own Mama won’t
recognize him.

VICKY
I don’t think he can move, he can’t see anything... Sydor Lvovich, how are you
doing?
 III-16

SYDOR LVOVICH
I can see... The eyes are intact... But I can’t move... Feel sick.

VICKY
Lena, do you hear? The guy feels sick! Must help him, dress his wounds at least,
perhaps?

LENA
As if I’d mind... Come, let’s help... Please come, Sydor Lvovich, we’ll dress your
wounds...

(LENA and VICKY take SYDOR LVOVICH by the arms and lead him
away.)

KOSTA
(Thoughtfully.)
Ye-s... We’re in a mess, first-rate mess... Although, perhaps, just the opposite...

VAL
What opposite?

KOSTA
Perhaps just the opposite, everything is turning out as it should.

DIMA
Turning out for whom? You or us?

KOSTA
For us... That is, of course, first and foremost for me, but consequently also for
you.

VLAD
Don’t understand... Explain.

KOSTA
I’ll explain later... Now’s not the time. See, these two are running here again...
The assistant and his assistant... We still have to explain to them about the cat...

(MAXIMILIAN and VADIM enter.)

MAXIMILIAN
Where is he? Answer right now! Where is he?

DIMA
Who?

VADIM
 III-17

Don’t play the fool. Where’s the cat?

VLAD
Ran into the woods.

MAXIMILIAN
No, it didn’t! Answer me, what did you do with it?

VAL
Nothing. But here it did something to him.

VADIM
What did it do? To whom?

DIMA
To your Sydor Lvovich.

MAXIMILIAN
How? Sydor Lvovich was here?

VLAD
He’s still here.

MAXIMILIAN
Can’t be!

KOSTA
Why not?

MAXIMILIAN
Because he has no reason to be here.

VLAD
Maybe he came to visit us?

MAXIMILIAN
Sydor Lvovich would never come to visit people like you.

DIMA
What’s so terrible about us? What prevents him from visiting people like us?

MAXIMILIAN
The fact of the matter is, nothing. Understand, Not-thing! You’re the most
ordinary people, what’s called common... In a word, the rank-and-file. So think
for yourself, why would Sydor Lvovich need you?

DIMA
 III-18

Well, at least to dress the wounds of his mug then.

MAXIMILIAN
What kind of expression is that? You have a mug, Sydor Lvovich has a face. And a
very impressive face, besides, very photogenic, and telegenic.

KOSTA
Maybe it was telegenic once, but now...

VAL
But now it’s a real Nightmare on Elm Street... Six.

VADIM
Six? Why six?

VAL
Don’t know why... See for yourself!

(SYDOR LVOVICH appears with a bandaged face, barely walking,

supported by LENA and VICKY.)

VADIM
Oho! Who’s this?

VLAD
What, don’t recognize him? It’s your esteemed, beloved Sydor Lvovich, in person.

VADIM
Sydor Lvovich?

SYDOR LVOVICH
Who else? My good man, don’t you recognize me?

MAXIMILIAN
Excuse me, but even your own Mama is unlikely to recognize you now, let alone
your assistant... And besides... Scary even to think, who!

SYDOR LVOVICH
What are you talking about, Maximilian? What’s scary for you to think? You tell
me frankly, I’ve no time for your foul-up. You see what condition I’m in?

MAXIMILIAN
And I’ll speak frankly about your condition. Day after tomorrow, you have a
presentation in Moscow in the morning, at the very... Scary even to say, at whose!
Please think, in this condition, who would definitively confirm your
appointment?
 III-19

SYDOR LVOVICH
Don’t know... Somehow I haven’t even thought about it.

MAXIMILIAN
Should think about it first of all! Frankly, not much for you to think about, others
should always think for you after all! And indeed everything has been thought to
the last detail! And now what? How will they think for you under such
circumstances? They’ll immediately start to think for someone else. For one
whose face is at least fine... By the way, what exactly happened to your face? How
serious is the damage?

SYDOR LVOVICH
Don’t know... I haven’t looked into a mirror.

VICKY
It’s simply awful! The cat scratched all over his face and ran away into the woods.

VADIM
Cat? What cat?

SYDOR LVOVICH
My Walter! They caught him, put him in a cage, taunted him in every way, drove
him to such a state that when I let him out, he was beside himself and turned on
me like a wild beast! As if he’s not even my cat...

MAXIMILIAN
Of course not yours! It’s clearly not your cat, Sydor Lvovich! These rats killed and
buried your cat, and palmed off some rabid beast on you instead. It’s a
provocation conceived for the purpose of taking you out of action for a long time
on the eve of the all-important event for all of us, your definitive appointment! To
such a high position! The launch of almost limitless opportunities for all of us! If
I’m right, and I’m always right in such matters, I can smell a provocation, then
you, Sydor Lvovich, has become the object of a crime. A crime planned in
advance and carefully organized by a gang of shameless scumbags!

VLAD
What, what? What gang?

DIMA
What scumbags?

VAL
What rabid beast? The most ordinary domestic cat! I myself brought him from
town, as I was asked...

VADIM
Stop! Who asked?
 III-20

VAL
Have no fear, not gangsters. My friends asked...
(Points to KOSTA and VLAD.)

SYDOR LVOVICH
It was my cat! Mine, believe me! The spitting image of Walter! Only scared as can
be by these creeps.

MAXIMILIAN
I believe you, Sydor Lvovich, I do, but you have to trust me! They killed your
Walter and brought from town a cat very much like him, specially trained. It
should put you out of action for a long time, and possibly even...

SYDOR LVOVICH
Possibly what?

MAXIMILIAN
And possibly even forever... But you’re still alive, on one hand, that’s good... But
on the other hand...

VADIM
But on the other hand, bad.

SYDOR LVOVICH
Bad? Bad in what sense?

MAXIMILIAN
In the sense that we can’t present you, with a face mutilated by a cat, for final
approval. And as proof of a plot it’s unlikely suitable... For general review... Well,
doesn’t matter. But then as proof we can present the dead cat Walter. Then it’ll
become clear to all that these injuries, Sydor Lvovich, were specially arranged by
your enemies!

VADIM
Would be even nice, of course, to find the other cat that inflicted these injuries.
To complete the proof.

LENA
You’ll find nothing. And prove nothing.

VLAD
Even if you find something, still doesn’t prove it’s us.

VADIM
We don’t need to prove anything...
(Pulls a camcorder out of his bag.)
 III-21

We’ll have the action on tape...

KOSTA
That’s not proof. The court won’t accept it.

MAXIMILIAN
Don’t worry, they’ll accept ours...
(Takes the camcorder from VADIM.)
They’ll accept ours...
(Turns to VADIM.)
I’ll shoot, Vadim, and you find a fresh mound.

DIMA
What mound?

MAXIMILIAN
Don’t try to appear dumber than you are. You should know perfectly well that a
mound is a place where something is recently buried. The soil there should be
loose.

VAL
Brilliant! Then you have to dig all the beds and yank out all the plants with the
roots.

MAXIMILIAN
So, all, not all, just these stupid flowers... Which were clearly just stuck into the
ground and hadn’t even been watered, have to check... Vadim!

(VADIM goes to the flowers and starts to dig.)

LENA
What are you doing? Stop! Do you hear? These are my flowers, I planted them
with my own hands!

(VADIM continues digging.)

LENA (cont’d)
I’ll complain!

MAXIMILIAN
Please, you can complain as much as you like... Even to the International Court...
(Shoots with the camcorder.)
It’s your constitutional right.

VADIM
(Bends down.)
So... Something’s buried here... Aha! Seems to me something wrapped in a
 III-22

jacket... So... The size fits perfectly... Looks exactly like what we’re looking for...

SYDOR LVOVICH
What! Can’t be! Maximilian, perhaps you’re right? If it’s my Walter, I won’t
survive this.

MAXIMILIAN
Take heart, Sydor Lvovich! Please pull yourself together... Everything is on your
shoulders, you’ll survive not only this... But some of these gentlemen here might
not.

SYDOR LVOVICH
All right, I’ll try... But it’s very hard... Losing a loved one...

MAXIMILIAN
I know how hard it is for you... Stand firm! Vadim, take it out.

VLAD
Don’t you dare! Did you put something there?

KOSTA
Stop, Vlad, stop, don’t... See, they’re filming.

VAL
No more filming!
(Runs up to MAXIMILIAN, grabs the camcorder away from him, and
runs off.)
Better this way...

MAXIMILIAN
(Falls down.)
Stop! This won’t help you!
(Gets up.)
Already nothing will help you anymore! None of you...

KOSTA
In vain you believe this. Without the camcorder and without witnesses it’ll be
very difficult to prove anything. Especially if Sydor Lvovich won’t be appointed to
the post.

MAXIMILIAN
Now you’ve given yourself away, you rat! Your crafty plan...

VADIM
(Holding the bundle.)
Well? Unwrap it?
 III-23

SYDOR LVOVICH
Stop!
(Runs up to VADIM.)
I’ll do it... Wish it weren’t so hard for me...
(Unwraps the jacket, his grief changes to amazement.)
What’s this? This isn’t Walter... It isn’t a cat at all!

DIMA
What? Really a dog? Vovka, if you ran over a dog, you’re no longer a friend of
mine!

VICKY
Right, Dima! High time to be done with these drunks.

LENA
(Approaches and looks at the bundle.)
It’s really not a cat.

VADIM
Indeed not a cat.

MAXIMILIAN
How’s this not a cat? Even I can see from here that it’s a cat.

VADIM
Precisely a cat, but not that. It’s a toy cat! But so like a real one... What they can
do, the stinkers... Wonder if it’s from abroad or domestic?

LENA
Vovka, come here! Come here now!

VLAD
Well? What’s with you?

LENA
(Hits VLAD over the head with the toy cat.)
Here’s what! Here’s what! Give it to you on the head, nasty drunk! What have you
done? Almost drove us to the grave with this cat!

VLAD
(Dodges the hits.)
Lena, I’m sorry! I won’t any more...

LENA
(Chases VLAD.)
Then I will! I’ll beat you with this cat till I knock all the crab out of you!
(Runs after VLAD.)
 III-24

VICKY
Dima, let’s go home while it’s not late.

DIMA
And the BBQ?

VICKY
The heck with the BBQ. I’ll cook you some better sausages at home.

DIMA
Sausages, so sausages. Also not bad.

(DIMA and VICKY exit. SYDOR LVOVICH suddenly starts to laugh

hysterically.)

VADIM
What’s with you, Sydor Lvovich?

SYDOR LVOVICH
It’s not Walter! I told you and you didn’t believe me! My Walter’s alive! Alive! It’s
my Walter that tore my face and ran into the woods!

MAXIMILIAN
Okay, okay, Walter, then Walter. In any case, you’d better forget what
happened...
(Together with VADIM lead SYDOR LVOVICH away.)

KOSTA
Indeed, Sydor Lvovich should forget what he had dreamt about for so long... And
I should phone someone...
(Takes out the cell phone and dials.)
Hello? Sergei Yurevich? It’s Konstantin Evgenevich... Haven’t talk to you for a
long time. You should return immediately... Yes, yes, most likely, the post
remains vacant for the time being... Yes, yes...
(Hangs up the phone.)
Well, cat, if things turn out, there’ll be a bag of Whiskas from me to you! And ten
bags from Sergei Yurevich... No, ten bags from me too! Well done, cat... If you
only knew that nothing from Sergei Yurevich threatens me anymore... And can’t
threaten...

End