------------------------------

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about th
e evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of wate
r, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms,"
said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water
writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The secondworm, he put into th
e whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doo
rnail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor ask
ed. Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded
, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
------------------------
A young man once asked God how long a million years was to him. God replied, "A
million years to me is just like a single second in your time." Then the young
man asked God what a million dollars was to him. God replied, " A million dollar
s to me is just like a single penny to you." Then the young man got his courage
up and asked: "God, could I have one of your pennies?" God replied, " Certainly,
just a second."
--------------------------------
TOASTER
This is how a TOASTER machine would be manufactured by many top notch companies
around the world. Enjoy ..........
If IBM made toasters ... They would want one big toaster where people bring brea
d to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim world wide market for
five, maybe six toasters.
If Xerox made toasters ... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive
slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters ... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not
know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaste
r.
If Oracle made toasters ... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all
brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel E
ngine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, an
d that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Sun made toasters ... The toast would burn often, but you could get a really
good cuppa Java.
Does DEC still make toasters?... They made good toasters in the '80s,didn't the
y?
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters ... They would market the Reverse Toaster, whi
ch takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If Tandem made toasters ... You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece
got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one.
If Thinking Machines made toasters ... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces
of bread at the same time.
If Cray made toasters ... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than a
ny other single-slice toaster in the world.
If the NSA made toasters ... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that onl
y the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of n
ational security.
If Sony made toasters ... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the si
ngle piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your
belt.
If Timex made toasters ... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist t
oasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Fisher Price made toasters ... "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank
that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.
And, of course: If Microsoft made toasters ... Every time you bought a loaf of
bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster,
 but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds
(hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to
power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to
be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your to
ast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out wh
o made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy
them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters ... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does,
but 5 years earlier.
If SAP made toasters, the manual to run the toaster would be approximately 10,0
00 pages long. The toaster would come with 2,500 switches which would all have t
o be set in an exact pattern and in a precise sequence in order to toast specif
ic kinds of bread. Each pattern would be established by SAP's experts as the "Be
st Practices" method of toasting that kind of bread. It would take a team of b
asis and functional contractors about 1 year to configure the toaster in the b
est manner, and then another 6 months to test it. In the mean time, your entire
family would need to attend extensive training classes on how to use the new t
oaster. In order to support end users and consultants, MIT would establish a lis
t-serv or people to post questions and answers regarding toaster set-up and ope
ration. Of course, the online help would randomly pop up in German. But once it
was running, you'd get the best toast in the world.
-------------------------------------
Why did the chicken cross the road?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it tak
e.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justi
fied in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
JACK NICHOLSON: 'cause it f.....g wanted to. That's the f.....g reason.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
JOHNNY CARSON: Because it heard there was a man over there laying bricks and i
t wanted to see for itself!
ARTHUR ANDERSEN CONSULTANT: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road
was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with sign
ificant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the n
ewly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a
partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking it
s physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the P
oultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills,
methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's peop
le, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Pro
gram Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spect
rum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with de
ep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary
of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit
and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to a
chieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and impl
ementing and enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry
cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enablin
g and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry
-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and al
igned with the chicken's
mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a
total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken
change to become more successful.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free t
o cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou
shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much re
joicing.
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken di
d NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why?
The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever
think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over th
e place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not
only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance
your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Ra
ther, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in
our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in
such a way that they are now genetically disposed to.
-----------------------------------------
A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping centre. Her arms were la
den with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep si
ghs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the l
ine.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked i
ndignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there an
d that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Looking to give a different gift this year? The ToBe tongue ball was created for
people who wish to make a statement without the risks of getting their tongues
pierced. (Let's face it, folks - that's gotta hurt!)
Forget about the costs and age restrictions of getting mouth piercings... this s
mall, surgical steel ball sticks to your tongue through suction. Best of all, it
looks just like the real thing. Don't believe it? Check it out at Nonpierced.co
m.
-----------------------------------------------------------
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an
honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmm
m... that's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are
twenty $1 bills."
The boy replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the woman i
t belonged to didn't have any change for a reward."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Is your search engine paying you to use it? Mine does... Search Cactus is the ea
sy-to-use directory that puts a few pennies in your pocket every single time you
need to find something online. They'll give you $2.00 today, just for signing u
p! I'm entered in their draw to win $50,000.00 as well... keep your fingers cros
sed for me. :) So hey, if you're looking for a replacement for tired old Yahoo,
and wouldn't mind earning a few bucks while you search... try Search Cactus!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and absolutely nothing was going as p
lanned.
Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not gett
ing paid for the overtime they had worked, and were threatening to go on strike.
The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matte
rs worse, a few of the other elves had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier i
n the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents
all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elve
s are walking out and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid lit
tle angel out hours ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I goi
ng to do?"
Just then, the little angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy
night, dragging a Christmas tree. The angel said, "Yo, fat man! Where do you wan
t me to stick the tree this year?"
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass...
-----------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear.....
The one about the 86 year old lady who was arrested at
the airport for having two 6-inch crocheting needles?
She said she was going to knit an Afghan!
--------------------------------------------------------------
A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the
little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."
The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say
the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to
'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'"
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his
father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have
to whisper."
The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper
in my ear."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Where does the Long Ranger take his garbage?
To the dump ...To the dump.... To the Dump ...!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when
this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives
the husband a big french kiss, then says she'll see him later and
walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, Who the hell was that?
Oh, replies the husband, she's my mistress.
Well, that's the last straw, says the wife. I've had enough. I want a
divorce!
I can understand that, replies her husband, but remember, if we get a
divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more
wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti
or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is
yours. Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a
gorgeous babe on his arm.
Who's that woman with Jim? asks the wife.
That's his mistress, says her husband.
Ours is prettier, she replies.
--------------------------------
1. It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died
in an airplane crash.
2. You use the phrase "fixin' to" almost daily.
3. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their
wedding date.
4. You've ever been excused from school because "the
cows got out."
5. You can properly pronounce the town Mexia and Mesquite.
6. You can remember the name of the last state
legislator to introduce a bill involving castration, and
he didn't mean farm animals.
7. You know exactly what calf fries are, and eat them anyway.
8. You can recall hot summers by the year they happened easier than
you can remember your mother's birthday.
9. You think that people who complain about the hurricanes in their
states are sissies.
10. You know that the true value of a parking space is not
determined
by the distance to the door but by the availability of shade.
11. You have owned at least one belt buckle bigger than your fist.
12. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a
four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the
other one go first.
13. When you hear a tornado siren, you go out and look for a funnel.
14. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.
15. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait
all in the same store.
16. A Jaguar is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 4x4 is.
17 . You know that everything goes better with Ranch or Tabasco.
18 . You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to
multiply.
19. You know that "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
20. You're 100% Texan if you've ever had this conversation:
"You want a Coke?"
"Sure."
"What kind?"
"Dr. Pepper."
--------------------------------
######################################
1. JOKE: The Farmer's Watermelons
There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was
disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his
watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.
After some careful thought, he came up with a clever
idea to scare the kids away. He made up a sign and
posted it in the field.
When the kids came the next day they saw his sign:
"Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has
been injected with cyanide."
So the kids ran off and made up their own sign and
posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the
farmer came to look at his field, he noticed that no
watermelons were missing. Then, he noticed the new
sign next to his:
"Now there are two!"

######################################
KILLER WIFE
One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police
Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.
The police officer on duty was intrigued by this and he asked, "How
sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?"
"No," replied the nervous immigrant.
"Did ya hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill ya?"
"No."
"Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?"
"No."
"Then why in God's name did ya think she's gonna kill ya?" asked the
exasperated police officer.
"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He
handed the police officer the suspect bottle.
The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and
started to laugh out loud. The immigrant became indignant and said,
"What so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said, 'Polish
Remover'?"
######################
1. The Criminal Lawyer
A man who had been caught embezzling
millions from his employer went to a
lawyer seeking defense. He didn't want to
go to jail. But his lawyer told him,
"Don't worry. You'll never have to go to
jail with all that money. And the lawyer
was right. When the man was sent to prison,
he didn't have a dime.
2. The Intelligent Snail
There was once a snail who was sick and
tired of his reputation for being so slow.
He decided to get some fast wheels to make
up the difference. After shopping around
a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z
was the car to get. So the snail goes to
the nearest Datsun dealer and says he
wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it
repainted "240-S".
The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"
The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail.
I want everybody who sees me roaring past
to know who's driving."
Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the
unique opportunity to sell a car to a
snail, so he agrees to have the car
repainted for a small fee.
The snail gets his new car and spent
the rest of his days roaring happily down
the highway at top speed. And whenever
anyone would see him zooming by, they'd
say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

**************