Marriage Software

This is what a guy wrote to a systems analyst (Marriage Software Division):

Dear Systems Analyst,

I am desperate for some help! I recently upgraded my program from
Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected Child
Processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0
installs itself into all other programs and launches during systems
initialization and then it monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as "Boys' Night out 2.5" and "Golf 5.3 " no longer run,
and crashes the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate selected
"Saturday Rugby 6.3" always fails and "Saturday Shopping 7.1" runs instead.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run
any of my favorite applications. Be it online or offline.
I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend 7.0", but uninstall doesn't work
on this program. Can you please help?
.... AND THIS IS WHAT OUR ANALYST SAID:

Dear Customer,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding of
the functions of the Wife 1.0 program. Many customers upgrade from
Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITY AND
ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM. Actually, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed
by its Creator to run everything on your current platform.
You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to
Girlfriend 7.0, as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is
impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the System
once it is installed..
Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have ended up w
ith
even more problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors'
Fees).
Having Wife 1.0 installed, I recommend you keep it Installed and deal with
the difficulties as best as you can. When any faults or problems occur,
whatever you think has caused them, you must run the.........
C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE Program and avoid attempting to use the
*Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire system.
It may be necessary to run C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE a number of times,
and eventually hope that the operating system will return to normal.
Wife 1.0, although a very high maintenance programme, can be very
rewarding.
To get the most out of it, consider buying additional Software such as
"Flowers 2.0" and "Chocolates 5.0 " or "HUGS\ KISSES 600.0" or "TENDERNESS\
UNDERSTANDING 1000.0" or even Eating Out Without the Kids 7.2.1" (if Child
processing has already started).
DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1" (Short Skirt
Version) or "One Nightstand 3.2" (Any Mood Version), as this is not a
supported Application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly
CRASH.
BEST WISHES!
Yours, Systems Analyst.

A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a
distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the
flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly underBoyfriend
5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable
programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the
system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems,
but to no avail.
What can I do?

Signed,
_______ ______________________________________________________ _________
Reply

DEAR Madam,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. Html and try to downloadTears 6.2
and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0should then automatically
run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..
However, remember, overuse of the above application can causeHusband 1.0 to
default to Silence 2.5or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the
Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0
(it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of
all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and
performance.

We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Good Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!