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The Stressed
out Students’
Guide to
surviving
school.
ENGLISH EDITION
Sponsored by the United States Congress
A Genius Jehna Production
Table of
Contents
Introduction
Part I
Essays
Transitions
Citations
Plagiarism
Speeches
Making it memorable
Ideas
Part II
Procrastination
Introduction
Every student has faced the challenges and atrocities that
come with English class, including eccentric English teachers
who have impossible French or Italian surnames, essays with
ridiculous parameters, and annual speeches. This guide is
designed to make you a better student, and to take your work
to the next level. Included in this work of literary excellence are
strategies to make teachers adjust assignments, techniques to
make essays longer-length and word-wise, and more. Every
student who wants to succeed in class should read this guide.
We have had parents email saying that once their child used
the methods described in this guide, their children’s marks were
changed by as much as 13%*! This guide has also been
proven** to cut school-induced student stress with our helpful
snack ideas and procrastination aids.
Average Student - Reads this book to improve their work in English class, and
secretly wants to achieve something greater than the norm thus advancing their status.
Smart Student - Reads this book to either laugh about the people who actually
read this (93%+) or reads this book to make sure that they are using the right methods.
Note: Genius Student was not included because there is only one and she
wrote the guide.
* 13% drop or raise ** Tests conducted at the ITT Technical Institute of Utah.
The Essay
(These methods were put into use in the introduction.)
Strategy #1
Font.
eg.
I hate essays.
Helvetica 12pt:
I hate essays.
Times New Roman 12 pt:
Notice how some fonts take up more room making your essay
appear longer.
If a font limit has been set at for example 12 pt, you can easily
change your font size to 12.1 or 12.2; daredevils may even try 13
pt. The slight differences won’t be noticed by your teacher, who
is in a zombie like haze induced by marking so many essays.
Punctuation:
Strategy #2
eg.
Strategy #3
vs.
Conjunction Elimination:
You may also consider placing more than one space between
paragraphs(a Genius Jehna Favourite, aka quadruple spacing),
or making an elaborate, grand and space consuming title.
Transitions
Transitions are helpful in adding words to your essay, and
sending the rubric to Canada when used in pesky in-class essays.
Genius Jehna suggests that you consult the following list of transitions
in making your essays less stool-like.
Addition: Emphasis: Sequence:
also, again, as well as, above all, chiefly, with at first, first of all, to begin
besides, coupled with, attention to, especially, with, in the first place, at
furthermore, in addition, particularly, singularly the same time,
likewise, moreover, Similarity: for now, for the time
similarly comparatively, coupled being, the next step, in
Consequence: with, correspondingly, time, in turn, later on,
accordingly, as a result, identically, likewise, similar, meanwhile, next, then,
consequently, for this moreover, together with soon, the meantime, later,
reason, for this purpose, Exception: while, earlier,
hence, otherwise, so then, aside from, barring, simultaneously, afterward,
subsequently, therefore, besides, except, in conclusion, with this in
thus, thereupon, excepting, excluding, mind,
wherefore exclusive of, other than, Summarizing:
Generalizing: outside of, save after all, all in all, all things
as a rule, as usual, for the Restatement: considered, briefly, by
most part, in essence, in other words, and large, in any case, in
generally, generally namely, that is, that is to any event,
speaking, ordinarily, say, in brief, in conclusion, on
usually in short, in brief, to put it the whole, in short, in
Exemplifying: differently summary, in the final
chiefly, especially, for Contrast and analysis,
instance, in particular, Comparison: in the long run, on
markedly, namely, contrast, by the same balance, to sum up, to
particularly, including, token, conversely, summarize, finally
specifically, such as instead, likewise, Diversion:
Illustration: on one hand, on the by the way, incidentally
for example, for instance, other hand, on the Direction:
for one thing, as an contrary, rather, here, there, over there,
illustration, similarly, yet, but, beyond, nearly, opposite,
illustrated with, as an however, still, under, above,
example, in this case nevertheless, in contrast in the distance
Citations
Citations are the product of librarians with too much time
on their hands, who wish to make us pay for our wikipedia-ing
habits. Though we may hate them, how would it feel like if some
brat read your stuff and used it in their piece of crap essay that
they’re probably not going to get perfect on anyway? Bad. In
reality most of our stuff will never be read by anyone besides
the teacher and/or a ‘peer marker’. (Peer marker = someone who
pretends to proofread your work when they could really care less.) So,
why waste time on our citations?
Instead of wasting time or bribing friends to do citations and fill
in those annoying ‘required fields’ in NoodleBib (or similar
software), consider placing the correct title and and author in
the citation (if you have the energy) then proceeding to fake
the rest. Your citations might even become fun if you put funny
dates in for publication dates, such as your birthday or the-day-
apple-released-the-first-iphone day.
Plagiarism
Plagiarism: the perfect solution to writer’s block. Dedicated to
this cause are many websites that provide free essays and
facts. If your essays are not checked for plagiarism you are free
to go ahead with one step: read through the essay and
change it to your style of writing and add your ideas. If your
essay is checked for plagiarism, consider taking the plagiarized
passage and reposting it elsewhere on the internet. For
example you can post it on your blog, fictionpress account, or
livejournal etc. This step will cause the plagiarism ‘checker’ to
find the plagiarized passage on one of your sites. When
questioned you can prove that the account is yours and claim
that you wanted to share the essay elsewhere so others could
enjoy your masterpiece. Hopefully the ‘checker’ does not
detect the original source of the plagiarized portion. If this
occurs then, ...you’re err... screwed.
The Speech
Speeches might as well be the blandest, and most atrocious
assignments in the world. Let’s start with listing the worst parts of
having to do a speech:
Making it Memorable
Now that we have contemplated the challenges of being
forced to write and say a speech, we can move on to how to
make it interesting.
If you get stuck doing a regular speech, then try to make your
delivery especially unique. Include dramatic ‘Did you knows’
with hand actions, dramatic pauses and farts.
Ideas
Stumped? Here’s package of pop tarts dropped on a starved you from a
C-130 Hercules.
How to annoy
annoying teachers
Disclaimer:
These suggestions are for entertainment purposes only, the
United States Congress does not support any harm of teachers.
Some crappy ideas on how to annoy teachers. Note: the best
ideas are derived on a teacher-by-teacher basis after
continued observation of their tastes.
4. Always raise your hand and say the answer at the same time
7. Stalk your teacher online; send them messages and view their
favourites (eg. on youtube)
10. Ask them to repeat questions, and insist that you are stressed
Procrastination
Procrastination is the most fun and stressful process of a
student. It is also the most common disease induced by
unsavory assignments. We all procrastinate, but some of us
procrastinate better than others. Here are some ways to
becoming a better procrastinator or procrastinatirce.
Including:
www.youtube.com/householdhacker/
www.youtube.com/user/KENYAMASI/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N9oxmRT2YWw
www.camouflage.ca
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/
In the future Jehna plans to attend Harvard University and graduate after
only one day. After that she plans to take herself to the realm of polka dots
and live happily ever after with her hair accessories and firearms.