Devotionals 2

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His name is Bill. He has wild hair, wears a T-shirt with holes in it,
jeans and no shoes. This was literally his wardrobe for his entire four
years of college. He is brilliant. Kind of esoteric and very, very
bright.
He became a Christian while attending college. Across the street from

the campus is a well-dressed, very conservative church They want to
develop a ministry to the students, but are not sure how to go about
it.
One day Bill decides to go there. He walks in with no shoes, jeans, his
T-shirt, and wild hair. The service has already started and so Bill
starts down the aisle looking for a seat. The church is completely
packed and he can't find a seat. By now people are looking a bit
uncomfortable, but no one says anything. Bill gets closer and closer
and closer to the pulpit and, when he realizes there are no seats, he
just squats down to sit, right on the carpet.
Although perfectly acceptable behavior at a college fellowship, this

had never happened in this church before! By now the people are really
uptight, and the tension in the air is thick. About this time, the
minister realizes that from the back of the church, a deacon is slowly
making his way toward Bill. This deacon is in his eighties, has
silver-gray hair, and a three-piece suit. A godly man, very elegant,
very dignified, very courtly. He walks with a cane and, as he starts
walking toward this boy, everyone is saying to themselves that you
can't blame him for what he's going to do. How can you expect a man of
his age and of his background to understand some college kid on the
floor?
It takes a long time for the man to reach the boy. The church is
utterly silent except for the clicking of the man's cane. All eyes are
focused on him. You can't even hear anyone breathing. The minister
can't even preach the sermon until the deacon does what he has to do.
And now they see this elderly man drop his cane on the floor. With
great difficulty he lowers himself and sits down next to Bill, to
worship with him so he won't be alone. Everyone chokes up with emotion.
When the minister gains control, he says, "What I'm about to preach,
you might never remember. What you have just seen, you will never
forget. Be careful how you live. You may be the only Bible some people
will ever read."
(return to Contents)

You try to enter your password on the microwave.
You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready,
and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?"
Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but
you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom

of the screen.
You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells
for half the price you paid.
The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to

make a purchase is foreign to you.
Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do
not have e-mail addresses.
You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited

island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he
scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.
Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood
to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions.
But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find
his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky. The worst had
happened; everything was lost. He was stunned with grief and anger.
"God, how could you do this to me!" he cried.
Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship
that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him. "How did
you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your
smoke signal," they replied.
It is easy to get discouraged when things are going bad. But we

shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the
midst of pain and suffering. Remember, next time your little hut
is burning to the ground----it just may be a smoke signal that summons
grace of God.
m

For all the negative things we have to say to ourselves, God has a
positive answer for it :
You say: "It's impossible"

God says: All things are possible (Luke 18:27)
You say: "I'm too tired"

God says: I will give you rest (Matthew 1:28-30)
You say: "Nobody really loves me"

God says: I love you (John 3:16 & John 13:34)
You say: "I can't go on"

God says: My grace is sufficient
(II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)
You say: "I can't figure things out"

God says: I will direct your steps
(Proverbs 3:5-6)
You say: "I can't do it"

God says: You can do all things (Philippians 4:13)
You say: "I'm not able"
God says: I am able (II Corinthians 9:8)
You say: "It's not worth it"

God says: It will be worth it. (Roman 8:28)
You say: "I can't forgive myself"

God says: I FORGIVE YOU (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)
You say: "I can't manage"

God says: I will supply all your needs
(Philippians 4:19)
You say: "I'm afraid"

God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear
(II Timothy1:7)
You say: "I'm always worried and frustrated"

God says: Cast all your cares on ME (I Peter 5:7)
You say: "I don't have enough faith"

God says: I've given everyone a measure of faith
(Romans 12:3)
You say: "I'm not smart enough"

God says: I give you wisdom (I Corinthians 1:30)
You say: "I feel all alone"

God says: I will never leave you or forsake you
(Hebrews13:5)
Pass this on. You never know who may be in need of this today.
Ê
The cute statements below are said to have been written by actual
students and are genuine, authentic and not retouched or corrected:
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the
world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like
Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened> bread
which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand
still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical

times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna
Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in
the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before
they do one to you.
He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the
tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is

another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

How many of these do you remember?
1. Blackjack chewing gum

2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with levers
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older

>
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!
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999
I may never see tomorrow, there's no guarantee,
And things that happened yesterday belong to history.
I can't predict the future, I can't change the past,
I have just the present memories to treat as my last.
I must use this moment wisely, for soon it will pass away,
And be lost forever as a part of yesterday.
I must exercise compassion, help the fallen to their

feet,
Be a friend unto the friendless, make their life
complete.
The unkind things I do today, may never be undone,
And friendships that I fail to win, may never
more be won.
I may not have another chance on bended knees to pray, And I thank God
with a humble heart for giving me this day!
Send this to everyone you care about to show them you

appreciate them, for one day you might not be there to
tell them.

Funny how a $100 "looks" so big when taken to church, but

so small when taken to the mall.
Funny how long it takes to serve God for an hour, but how
quickly a team plays 60 minutes of basketball.
Funny how long a couple of hours spent at church are, but

how short they are when watching a movie.
Funny how people can't think of anything to say when they

pray, but don't have difficulty thinking of things to talk about to a
friend.
Funny how people get thrilled when a baseball game goes

into extra innings, but complain when a sermon is longer than the
regular time.
Funny how hard it is to read a chapter in the bible, but

how easy it is to read 100 pages of a best selling novel.
Funny how people want to get a front seat at any game or

concert, but scramble to get a back seat at church services.
Funny how people need 2 or 3 weeks advance notice to fit a

church event into their schedule, but can adjust their schedule
for other events at the last moment.
Funny how hard it is for people to learn a simple gospel

well enough to tell others, but how simple it is for the same people to
understand and repeat gossip.
Funny how people believe what the newspaper says, but

question what the Bible says.
Funny how everyone wants to go to heaven provided they do

not have to believe, or to think, or to say, or do anything.
Funny how you can send a thousand 'jokes' through e-mail

and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages
regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.
FUNNY, ISN'T IT ?
Are you laughing?

Are you thinking?
Spread the Word and give thanks to the Lord for He is good!

Subject: Mrs. Thompson
There is a story many years ago of an elementary teacher.

Her name was Mrs. Thompson. And as she stood in front of
her 5th grade class on the very first day of school, she told
the children a lie. Like most teachers, she looked at her
students and said that she loved them all the same. But that
was impossible, because there in the front row, slumped in
his seat, was a little boy named Teddy Stoddard.
Mrs.Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and

noticed that he didn't play well with the other children, that his
clothes were messy and that he constantly needed a bath.
And Teddy could be unpleasant. It got to the point where
Mrs. Thompson would actually take delight in marking his
papers with a broad red pen, making bold X's and then putting
a big "F" at the top of his papers.
At the school where Mrs. Thompson taught, she was required

to review each child's past records and she put Teddy's off
until last. However, when she reviewed his file, she was in for
a surprise.
Teddy's first grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is a bright child with

a ready laugh. He does his work neatly and has good
manners...he is a joy to be around."
His second grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is an excellent

student, well-liked by his classmates, but he is troubled
because his mother has a terminal illness and life at home
must be a struggle."
His third grade teacher wrote, "His mother's death has been
hard on him. He tries to do his best but his father doesn't
show much interest and his home life will soon affect him if
some steps aren't taken."
Teddy's fourth grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is withdrawn and

doesn't show much interest in school. He doesn't have many
friends and sometimes sleeps in class."
By now, Mrs. Thompson realized the problem and she was

ashamed of herself. She felt even worse when her students
brought her Christmas presents, wrapped in beautiful ribbons
and bright paper, except for Teddy's. His present was
clumsily wrapped in the heavy, brown paper that he got from
a grocery bag. Mrs. Thompson took pains to open it in the
middle of the other presents. Some of the children started to
laugh when she found a rhinestone bracelet with some of the
stones missing and a bottle that was one quarter full of
perfume.
But she stifled the children's laughter when she exclaimed

how pretty the bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some
of the perfume on her wrist.
Teddy Stoddard stayed after school that day just long enough
to say, "Mrs. Thompson, today you smelled just like my
Mom used to."
After the children left she cried for at least an hour. On that
very day, she quit teaching reading, and writing, and
arithmetic. Instead, she began to teach children. Mrs.
Thompson paid particular attention to Teddy. As she worked
with him, his mind seemed to come alive. The more she
encouraged him, the faster he responded. By the end of the
year, Teddy had become one of the smartest children in the
class and, despite her lie that she would love all the children
the same, Teddy became one of her "teacher's pets."
A year later, she found a note under her door, from Teddy,
telling her that she was still the best teacher he ever had in
his whole life.
Six years went by before she got another note from Teddy.
He then wrote that he had finished high school, third in his
class, and she was still the best teacher he ever had in his
whole life.
Four years after that, she got another letter, saying that while
things had been tough at times, he'd stayed in school, had
stuck with it, and would soon graduate from college with the
highest of honors. He assured Mrs. Thompson that she was
still the best and favorite teacher he ever had in his whole life.
Then four more years passed and yet another letter came.
This time he explained that after he got his bachelor's degree,
he decided to go a little further. The letter explained that she
was still the best and favorite teacher he ever had. But now
his name was a little longer. The letter was signed,
Theodore F. Stoddard, M.D.
The story doesn't end there. You see, there was yet another
letter that spring. Teddy said he'd met this girl and was going
to be married. He explained that his father had died a couple
of years ago and he was wondering if Mrs. Thompson might
agree to sit in the place at the wedding that was usually
reserved for the mother of the groom. Of course, Mrs.
Thompson did. And guess what?
She wore that bracelet, the one with several rhinestones

missing. And she made sure she was wearing the perfume
that Teddy remembered his mother wearing on their last
Christmas together. They hugged each other, and Dr.
Stoddard whispered in Mrs. Thompson's ear, "Thank you,
Mrs. Thompson, for believing in me. Thank you so much for
making me feel important and showing me that I could make
a difference."
Mrs. Thompson, with tears in her eyes, whispered back. She

said, "Teddy, you have it all wrong. You were the one who
taught me that I could make a difference. I didn't know how to
teach until I met you."
Warm someone's heart today.... Pass it along.

D
Never underestimate the Power of Purpose..
Yesterday is history
Tomorrow is a mystery
Today is a gift
That's why it's called the 'Present'

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns,

unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or
feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a
gender association although in English these words were neutral.
Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a
computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into
two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or
feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the
other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their
recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the

masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a
little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be
referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later
retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with
$86,400.
It carries over no balance from day to day.
Every evening deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use
during the day. What would you do? Draw out ALL OF IT, of course!!
Each of us has such a bank. Its name is TIME.

Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds.
Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to
invest to good purpose.
It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft.
Each day it opens a new account for you.
Each night it burns the remains of the day.
If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours.
There is no going back. There is no drawing against the "tomorrow."

You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get
from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success!
The clock is running. Make the most of today.
To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a
premature baby.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to
meet.
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train.
To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an
accident.
To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver
medal in the Olympics.
Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you
shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time.
And remember that time waits for no one.

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present!!!
Ú
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.
The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water ... The sermon tonight:
Searching for Jesus.
Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help
they can get.
The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved...the financial secretary

gave a grief report.
Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
Pastor Jack's sermons.
The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of
the entire church.
Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name:

Bertha Belch. Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the
way from Africa."
Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference:

"The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes Meals.
"Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.
m
After a few years of marriage, filled with

constant arguments, a man and his wife decide that the only way to save
their marriage is to try therapy. When they arrived at the therapist's
office, the therapist jumped right in "what seems to be the problem?"
Immediately , the husband looked down without anything to say and the
wife started talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within
her husband. After 15 minutes, the therapist went over to her, picked
her up and kissed her passionately. Afterwards, the wife sat there
speechless.
He looked at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what just
happened. The therapist said "your wife NEEDS that at least 2 times a
week!" The husband scratched his head and said, "I can have her here
on Tuesdays and Thursdays"

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A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter's plane. She

had just come back from a far away land trying to find
adventure.
As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed

a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with
exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken
head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.
The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and

screamed, "I said for you to marry a Rich Doctor! a Rich
Doctor!"
- Submitted by Gail Frank
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One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the
large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was
covered with names, and small flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning,
Alex."
"Good morning, pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the
plaque.
"Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in
the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's
voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9 o' clock
or the 11 o' clock?"

The old farmer's mule had finally died of old age just before
spring planting, so the farmer made a trip to town to buy
another mule.
His $125 didn't buy much, but he was satisfied with his
purchase and he made arrangements to return the next day
with a horse trailer to pick up the mule and the dealer
agreed to keep it overnight for him.
Early the next day, the old man returned. "Jim," said the mule
dealer, "that old mule died last night. I'm real sorry to have
to tell you this. I know you were counting on it for your spring
garden." The dealer offered Jim his money back, but Jim
refused because a bargain was a bargain. He loaded the
dead mule on his truck and left.
A couple of months later, the mule dealer happened to drive
by Jim's place and was astonished to see Jim working his
garden on a new $4,000 garden tractor. Honking his horn,
he called Jim over and asked him how in the world he had
managed to buy a tractor when, not too long ago, all he had
was the $125 that he'd spent on the dead mule.
"Well," Jim explained, "after leaving with the mule, I had this
idea. So, I stopped off at the local print shop and had 2,000
$2 raffle tickets printed up. 'Grand prize: Gardening
Equipment.' I sold all the raffle tickets to people around
town."
"Yeah, but where did you get the gardening equipment
from Jim?
"From you..."
"No, I mean the equipment you had as the raffle prize."
"I got it from you..."
"Jim, all you got from me was a dead mule."
"I know, that's what I raffled off."
"My Goodness, Jim! You raffled off a dead mule?! I'll bet that
really ticked them off when they realized the mule was dead."
"Nope, not really ... the only one really ticked off was the
winner, so I gave him his money back."

A police officer in Dayton, Ohio was patrolling Route 22 when a car full of
very old people crept by. On radar, the Officer noticed the car was traveling
at 22 miles an hour - in a 50 mile an hour zone. So he put on the blue lights
and pulled them over.
Inside the car there was a very elderly lady behind the wheel, and three very
frightened- looking elderly people in the back seat. As he approached the
driver's side door, the power window zipped down and this lovely little lady
very nervously asked, "Was I going too fast, officer?"
Well, he could hardly contain himself. But being a highly trained police
professional, he stifled his urge to giggle and said, "No Ma'am, as a matter of
fact, you were going too slow. I clocked you at 22 miles an hour in a 50 mile
an hour zone."
"But the speed limit sign said '22", the lady protested.
"No ma'am," answered the officer very politely. "The speed limit sign says
'50'. The sign you saw was the highway sign for Route 22."
Well, the little elderly lady was terribly embarrassed, and the officer decided
to just give her a warning. But as he walked away from the car, he again
noticed the three elderly people sitting in the back seat. They looked terrified.
"Ma'am?" he asked. "May I ask what's wrong with the people in the back
seat?"
To which she replied, "I have no idea WHAT'S wrong with them," "They've
been that way ever since we got off Route 119!"
as told by Ron Gabbard
Ú
A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan
officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and
needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some
kind of security for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a
new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything
checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the
loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage
and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest,
which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have
had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but
we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and
found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you
bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two
weeks for 15 bucks?"
D D

Author Unknown
Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet

Far from the daily family riot
May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with, or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself

(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed

(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake

(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean--

(well heck, I've got the right to dream)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know--
I must have lost them long ago!

(God's Frozen People)

The Luke Warm Church announces publication of "Church Songs," whose
title, according to the editor, was chosen because "We didn't want to
turn anybody off with threatening words that no one understands
anymore like 'worship' or 'hymn.' People in today's society get kind
of uncomfortable with too much talk about things like commitment and
dedication. They'd much rather have a religion that they can turn on
or off at will. Our book seeks to meet that need."
Sample contents:
* A Comfy Mattress Is Our God

* Joyful, Joyful, We Kinda Like Thee
* Above Average is Thy Faithfulness
* Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word
* All Hail the Influence of Jesus' Name
* My Hope is Built on Nothing Much
* Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound
* My Faith Looks Around for Thee
* Be Thou My Hobby
* O God, Our Enabler in Ages Past
* Blest Be the Tie That Doesn't Cramp My Style
* Oh, for a Couple of Tongues to Sing
* He's Quite a Bit to Me
* Oh, How I Like Jesus
* I Lay My Inappropriate Behaviors on Jesus
* Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me
* I Surrender Some
* Praise God from Whom All Affirmations Flow
* I'm Fairly Certain That My Redeemer Lives
* Self-Esteem to the World! The Lord is Come
* Sit Up, Sit Up for Jesus
* Special, Special, Special
* Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somewhere Near Me
* Stick Nearby, It's Getting Dark Outside
* Take My Life and Let Me Be
* There is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today
* There Shall be Sprinkles of Blessings
* What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus
* When Peace, Like a Trickle. . .
* When the Saints Go Sneaking In
* Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following
* God of Taste, and God of Stories
* Lift Every Voice and Intellectualize
D
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter
was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the
pharmacy
to get
some medication for her daughter. When returning to her car she found
that
she had locked her keys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to
her
sick daughter, she didn't know what to do, so she called her home and
told
the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to
do.
The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse.
She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the
door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had
been
thrown down on the ground possibly by someone else who at some time
or
other
had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and
said, "I don't know how to use this." So she bowed her head and
asked God
to
send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up,
with a
dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on
his
head. The woman thought, "Great God! This is what you sent to help
me????"
But,
she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said
"Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication
and
I
locked my keys in my car, I must get home to her. Please, can you use
this
hanger to unlock my car."
He said, "SURE." He walked over to the car, and in less than one
minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears
she said, "THANK YOU SO MUCH..... You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of
prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out
for
about an
hour .
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out
loud.....
THANK YOU, GOD, FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL!"

Every year, Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair.
And every year, Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in
that there airplane." And every year, Martha would reply, "I
know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten
dollars is ten dollars."
This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy
said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane
this year I may never get another chance. "
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten

dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a
deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for
the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if
you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed,
and up they went.
The pilot performed all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and
dives, but not a word is heard. He even does a nose dive, pulling
up 15 feet above the ground, but still not a word. They land and
the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could
think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha

fell out, ...but ten dollars is ten dollars!"
The Dead Jackass
A preacher went to his church office on

Monday morning and discovered a dead
jackass in the church yard. He called the
police.
Since there did not appear to be any foul

play, the police referred the preacher to
the health department. They said since
there was no health threat that he should
call the sanitation department.
The sanitation manager said he could not

pick up the mule without authorization from
the mayor.
Now the preacher knew the mayor and was

not to eager to call him. The mayor had a
bad temper and was generally hard to deal
with, but the preacher called him anyway.
The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately

began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally
said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it
your job to bury the dead?"
The preacher paused for a brief prayer and

asked the Lord to direct his response. He was
led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the
dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin
first!"
Forgetful
"When I went to lunch today, I noticed this lady about 75-80 years old
sitting on a park bench near J.C. Penney and she was sobbing her eyes out. I
stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said: 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every
morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and
freshly ground, brewed coffee.'
I said: 'Well, then why are you crying?'
She said: 'he makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and
then makes love to me half the afternoon.'
I said: 'Well so why are you crying?'
She said: 'For Dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite
desert and then makes love to me until 2:00 am.'
I said: 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'
She said: 'I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!!!' "
Little Johnny
A new elementary school teacher was trying to make

use of her psychology
courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone
who thinks you're
stupid,
stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The

teacher said, "Do you
think
you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all

by yourself!"
*******************************************
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother

smoothed cold cream on
her
face. "Why do you do that, Mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who

then began removing the
cream
with a tissue.
What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving

up?"
*******************************************
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't
paying attention in
class. She
called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4
and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and

the Cartoon Network!"
*******************************************
At Sunday School, they were teaching how God created

everything,
including
human
beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten
class, seemed
especially
intent when they told him how Eve was created out of
one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down

as though he were
ill and
said, "Johnny, what is the matter with you?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side.

I think I'm going to
have
a
wife."
*******************************************
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field

trip to their local
police
station where they saw pictures, tacked to a
bulletin board, of the 10
Most
Wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a
picture and asked
if it
really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very
badly to capture
him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when

you took his
picture?"
Misunderstanding
A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the
first time. He was
struggling with the language and didn't understand a
whole lot of what was
going on. Intending to visit one of the local
churches, he got lost, but
eventually got back on track and found the place.
Having arrived late, the church was already packed.

The only pew left was
the one on the front row.
So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to

pick someone out of the
crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting
next to him on the
front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands,
so the missionary
recruit clapped too.
When the man stood up to pray, the missionary

recruit stood up too. When
the man sat down, he sat down.
When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord's
Supper, he held the
cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit
didn't understand a
thing. He just sat there and tried to look just
like that man in the
front pew.
Then he perceived that the preacher was giving

announcements. People
clapped, so he looked to see if the man was
clapping. He was, and so the
recruit clapped too.
Then the preacher said some words that he didn't

understand and he saw the
man next to him stand up. So he stood up too.
Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A

few people gasped. He
looked around and saw that nobody else was standing.
So he sat down.
After the service ended, the preacher stood at the

door shaking the hands
of those who were leaving. When the missionary
recruit stretched out his
hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in
English: "I take it you
don't speak Spanish."
The missionary recruit replied: "No I don't. It's

that obvious?"
"Well yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the

Acosta family had a
newborn baby boy and would the proud father please
stand up."
Another Blonde Joke
-
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each
other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if
she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired,
just wants to take a nap, politely declines and
rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game

is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the answer, you
pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declines
and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you
don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and
if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring
there will be no end to this torment unless she plays,
agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the

distance from the earth to the moon?" The blond
doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out
a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with

three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and

searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air
phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of
Congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends
and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands

her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more
sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the
blonde and asks,
"Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her

purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Dead Goldfish
Little Tim, the neighborhood delinquent, was in

the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor
peered over the fence. Interested in what the
cheeky youngster was up to, he politely asked,
"What happening there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without
looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor felt guilty for prejudging the child

and said, "I'm really sorry, Tim." and added, " My
an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied,

"That's because he's inside your @#%&*#@ cat.
Leaf
A small boy opened the big old family Bible with fascination, and
looked at the very old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something
fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely.
It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the
pages.
Quarter
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's
Adam's suit!"
One Sunday after the church sermon was over and everyone was filing
out, we stopped to chat with our friends.
My wife said "the pastor's sermon was really bad today."
"Boring too!" remarked one of our gathered friends.
"The choir was just awful, they were off key the whole time" I
remarked.
The rest of the group nodded in agreement as my son butted in and said
come on, Pops, I thought they were pretty good for just a quarter."
Robins
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really

hungry", said the first
one.
"Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and

find some lunch."
They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of

plowed ground full of
worms.
They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could
eat no more.
"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to

the tree", said the first
one.
"Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the

warm sun", said the
second.
"O.K." said the first. They plopped down,

basking in the sun.
No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat

tom cat snuck up and
gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face
after his meal, he thought,
"I love baskin' robins."
Elevator
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became

increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be
pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly
whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his
wife when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
Parrot
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were
able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The
second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The
third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember
how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't
see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites
the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to
teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the
chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge.
I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I
stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes.
And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the
good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
Overheard
Was heard on a public transportation vehicle while in Orlando.

"When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head
and watch your step.
If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your
language. Thank you."
3
Another Parrot Joke
A guy named David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was
fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse
vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't
expletives were, to say the least, rude. David
tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying
polite words, playing soft music, anything he
could think of to try and set a good example.
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He
shook
the bird and the bird just got more
angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put
the
parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then
suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound
for half a minute.
David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly
opened
the freezer door. The parrot calmly
stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may
have
offended you with my rude language and
actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am
truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about
to
ask what had made such a dramatic
change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
Ê Ê
January 3, 2000
Dear Valued Employee:

Re: Vacation Pay
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over
the
past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3
weeks
of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week
is
granted for every 5 years of Service.
Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and
your
next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will
include
all
pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.
Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter,

woke up ready to
go
bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to
the kitchen to
get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds
his wife, Alice,
sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asks her: "What are you up to?"
Alice smiles: "I'm going hunting with you!"
Jake, though he had many reservations about this,

reluctantly
decides to take her along. Later they arrive at
the hunting site.
Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and
tells her: "If
you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll
come running back
as
soon as I hear the shot".
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing

that Alice
couldn't
bag an elephant - much less a deer. Not 10 minutes
pass when he is
startled as he hears an array of gunshots.
Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets

closer to her
stand,
he hears Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"
Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming

wife. And again
he
hears her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed
by another volley
of gunfire!
Now within sight of where he had left his wife,

Jake is surprised
to
see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The
cowboy, obviously
distraught, says: "Okay, lady, okay! You can have
your deer! Just
let me get my saddle off it!"

Most of us have gone job hunting at one

time or another and have put together a
resume. A good resume tells the prospective
employer something about us. A bad resume
does the same thing, only it's probably not
quite the message we want to send. The good
folks at Fortune Magazine snipped some bits
from resumes and cover letters that weren't
quite up to snuff. Enjoy
1. "I demand a salary commiserate with

my extensive experience."
2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor

and spreadsheet progroms."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
5. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial

institutions."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with

people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over

my experience."
9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in

no time."
10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever

forget details."
11. "I was working for my mom until she

decided to move."
12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried.

Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
13. "I have an excellent track record,

although I am not a horse."
14. "I am loyal to my employer at all

costs...Please feel free to respond to my
resume on my office voice mail."
15. "I have become completely paranoid,

trusting completely no one and absolutely
nothing."
16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But

since I possess no training in meterology,
I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
17. "I procrastinate, especially when the

task is unpleasant."
18. "As indicted, I have over five years of
analyzing investments."
19. "Personal interests: donating blood.

Fourteen gallons so far."
20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation

for a Midwest chain store."
21. "Note: Please don't miscontrue my

14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit
a job."
22. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted

that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every
morning. Could not work under those conditions."
24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just

like my three previous employers."
25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
26. "References: None. I've left a path of

destruction behind me."

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the

hospital.
While on the operating table she has a near death experience.
During
that experience she sees God and ask if her time is up.
God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and
have a
face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, a tummy tuck, etc.
She
even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures
since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most
of it.
She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is
killed by an
ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front
of
God and
complains: "I thought you said I had another 30 years."
God replies, "I didn't recognize you.
Ê
Tommy's house is packed with relatives for Christmas dinner. Grandpa

calls 6 year old Tommy and starts asking about school, girlfriends
and other stuff he can think of. After a while, grandpa notices that
Tommy is loosing interest in the conversation so he pulls out two
bills from his wallet to see if he can keep him interested. A ten
and a twenty dollar bill. He shows both bills to Tommy and tells him
that he can keep any one he chooses. Tommy reaches over and grabs
the ten dollar bill.
Grandpa pretty surprised and upset about the unwise decision his
grandchild made, pulls out another ten dollar bill to see if it was
a mistake. Again, he tells Tommy to take one of the bills and keep
it. Tommy grabs the other ten. Grandpa again is surprised and upset.
He takes Tommy over to one of the uncles and shows him how dumb
Tommy is in choosing the ten over the twenty. Grandpa goes on and on
showing every uncle and cousin and each time Tommy chooses the ten
over the twenty. Grandpa finally shows the stunt to daddy. Daddy's
quite surprise but doesn't pay too much attention at the moment.
A few hours later, daddy who is very concerned about Tommy's poor
decision, walks up to him and asks him if he knows the difference
between a ten dollar bill and a twenty. "Of course," answers Tommy.
"So why did you always choose the ten over the twenty?" asks dad.
Tommy, with a wide smile answers, "Well dad, if I would have chosen
the first twenty dollar bill, do you think grandpa would have played
the game fifteen more times?"
Ê !
Exhausted from driving the traveling salesman stopped in this one town,
and pulled over to get an hour or two of sleep. But, as luck would have it,
the quiet place he chose happened to be one of the streets that the majority
of the towns people used to take their daily run.
The salesman had barely pulled over, and gotten comfortable when a jogger
was knocking on his window, asking, "Excuse me, but do you have the time?"
The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15."
The jogger said thanks and left.
The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another
knock on the window and another jogger. "Excuse me, sir, do you have the
time?"
"8:25!"
The jogger said thanks and left. But now the man could see other joggers
passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one would
be disturbed him. Hoping to solve his problem he took out a pen and paper
and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"
Again he settled back to sleep, and was just dozing off when there was
another knock on the window.
"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!"
!!" !
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when

suddenly
the Loch Ness monster attacked his boat.
In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his
boat at least
a hundred feet into the air.It then opened its
mouth,
waiting below to swallow them both.
As the man sailed head over heels and started to
fall
towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast, he
cried out,
"Oh, my God! Help me!"
Suddenly, the scene froze in place and, as the
atheist hung
in midair, a booming voice came out of the clouds
and said,
"I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded,
"Just
seconds ago, I didn't believe in the Loch Ness
monster
either!"
"Well," said God, "now that you are a believer you
must
understand that I won't work miracles to snatch
you from
certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I
can change
hearts. What would you have me do?"
The atheist thinks for a minute, then says, "God,
please
have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You, also."
God replies, "So be it."
The scene starts in motion again, with the atheist
falling
towards the ravenous jaws of the monster. The
Loch Ness
Monster folds his claws together and says, "Lord,
bless this
food You have so graciously provided....."
#$
%!
An Irishman moves into a tiny village in County Kerry, walks into the pub
and
promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but
serves
the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour
later
the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens
yet
again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a
time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the "Man
Who
Orders Three Beers." Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the
subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around
here
are wondering why you always order three beers"? "'Tis odd, isn't it?" the
man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and
the
other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an
extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family
bond." The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and
soon the "Man Who Orders Three Beers" became a local celebrity and source
of
pride to the village, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come
to
watch him drink. Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two
beers.
The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest
of
the evening: he orders only two beers. The word flies around town.
Prayers
are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day, the
bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to
offer
condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers
and
all....The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy
to
hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself,
have
decided to give up drinking for Lent."
&
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three
I have
They are evil
It's only fair that, since they are minors and no longer
my responsibility, the government should know something about them and
Please do not try to reassign them to me next
They are yours!
I suggest
you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions
While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to
Taxes should be a
breeze.
I think it's wonderful that you will
now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over,
keep in
It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the
choice of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the
Kristen also has a
boyfriend.
Oh joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her
alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the
virtues
This is
always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this
May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had
a rather good handle on the problem.
His eyes are a

He may be a tax examiner
In February, I was
awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing
In the future, would you
Kids at 14 will
His hair is purple.
Learn to deal with
it.
You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of school
I'll take care of filing your
phone number with the vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends
This is the house of testosterone and it will be much
more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave him or his friends
unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles,
(They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be
sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by

She is 10 going on 21. She
She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads,
Fortunately you will be
raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading
courses.
"" is expensive, so the schools dropped it. But here's You can buy it
yourself for half the amount of the deduction It's quite obvious that we
were terrible parents She cannot speak English. Most people under
twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys
in the hood/reggae/ yuppie/political double speak. The school sends her to
a speech pathologist who has her roll her r's. It added a refreshing
Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants,
and wants one of her ears There is a fascination with tattoos that
worries me, Bring a truck when you come to get her, "" in her room and
I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out
what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get
I prefer that you take the youngest two, If
you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before
Heather
If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so
Please let me know of
your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the
withholding
on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on
an airplane.
Yours truly,
Bob
(Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.)
c
STORY NO. 1
World War II produced many heroes. One such man was Butch O'Hare. He was a
fighter pilot assigned to an aircraft carrier in the South Pacific.
One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission. After he was airborne, he
looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to top off
his fuel tank. He would not have enough fuel to complete his mission and get
back to his ship. His flight leader told him to return to the carrier.
Reluctantly he dropped out of formation and headed back to the fleet.
As he was returning to the mother ship, he saw something that turned his
blood cold. A squadron of Japanese Zeroes were speeding their way toward the
American fleet. The American fighters were gone on a sortie and the fleet
was all but defenseless. He couldn't reach his squadron and bring them back
in time to save the fleet. Nor, could he warn the fleet of the approaching
danger.
There was only one thing to do. He must somehow divert them from the fleet.
Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety, he dove into the formation of
Japanese planes. Wing-mounted 50 calibers blazed as he charged in, attacking
one surprised enemy plane and then another.
Butch weaved in and out of the now broken formation and fired at as many
planes as possible until finally all his ammunition was spent. Undaunted he
continued the assault. He dove at the Zeroes trying to at least clip off a
wing or tail, in hopes of damaging as many enemy planes as possible and
rendering them unfit to fly. He was desperate to do anything he could to keep
them from reaching the American ships. Finally, the exasperated Japanese
squadron took off in another direction. Deeply relieved Butch O'Hare and his
tattered fighter limped back to the carrier.
Upon arrival he reported in and related the event surrounding his return. The
film from the camera mounted on his plane told the tale. It showed the extent
of Butch's daring attempt to protect his fleet. He was recognized as a hero
and given one of the nation's highest military honors.
And today O'Hare Airport in Chicago is named in tribute to the courage of

this great man.
STORY NO. 2
Some years earlier there was a man in Chicago called Easy Eddie. At that
time Al Capone virtually owned the city. Capone wasn't famous for anything
heroic. His exploits were anything but praiseworthy. He was, however,
notorious for enmeshing the city of Chicago in everything from bootlegged
booze and prostitution to murder.
Easy Eddie was Capone's lawyer and for a good reason. He was very good. In
fact, his skill at legal maneuvering kept Big Al out of jail. To show his
appreciation, Capone paid him well. Not only was the money big; Eddie got
special dividends. For instance, he and his family occupied a fenced in
mansion with live-in help and all of the conveniences of the day. The estate
was so large that it filled an entire Chicago city block. Yes, Easy Eddie
lived the high life of the Chicago mob and gave little consideration to the
atrocity that went on around him.
Eddie did have one soft spot, however. He had a son that he loved dearly.
Eddie saw to it that his young son had the best of everything: clothes, cars,
and a good education. Nothing was withheld. Price was no object.
And, despite his involvement with organized crime, Eddie even tried to teach
him right from wrong. Yes, Eddie tried to teach his son to rise above his own
sordid life. He wanted him to be a better man than he was. Yet, with all his
wealth and influence, there were two things that Eddie couldn't give his son.
Two things that Eddie sacrificed to the Capone mob that he could not pass on
to his beloved son--a good name and a good example.
One day Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision. Offering his son a good name
was far more important than all the riches he could lavish on him. He had to
rectify all the wrong that he had done. He would go to the authorities and
tell the truth about Scar-face Al Capone. He would try to clean up his
tarnished name and offer his son some semblance of integrity.
To do this he must testify against The Mob, and he knew that the cost would
be great. But more than anything he wanted to be an example to his son. He
wanted to do his best to make restoration and hopefully have a good name to
leave his son. So, he testified. Within the year, Easy Eddie's life ended in
a blaze of gunfire on a lonely Chicago street. He had given his son the
greatest gift he had to offer at the greatest price he would ever pay.
I know what you're thinking. What do these two stories have to do with one
another? Well you see, Butch O'Hare was Easy Eddie's son.

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day, a small opening appeared.

The man sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to
force its body through that little hole.
After a while, the butterfly seemed to stop making any progress. It

appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could, and it could go no further.
So, the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and
snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon.
The butterfly then emerged easily. However, it had a swollen body and
small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly. He
expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able
to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened! In
fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a
swollen body and shriveled wings.
The butterfly was never able to fly. What the man, in his kindness and
haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle
required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God's way of
forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would
be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.
Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives. If God allowed
us to go through our lives without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We
would not be as strong as what we could have been. We could never fly!
m
I asked for Strength.........And God gave me Difficulties to make me strong.

I asked for Wisdom...........And God gave me Problems to solve.
I asked for Prosperity.......And God gave me Brain and Brawn to work.
I asked for Courage..........And God gave me Danger to overcome.
I asked for Love.............And God gave me Troubled people to help.
I asked for Favors..........And God gave me Opportunities.
I got nothing I wanted ......but I received everything I needed!

A weary mother returned from the store,

Lugging groceries through the kitchen door.
Awaiting her arrival was her 8 year old son,
Anxious to relate what his younger brother had
done.
"While I was out playing and Dad was on a

call, T.J. took his crayons and wrote on the wall!
It's on the new paper you just hung in the den.
I told him you'd be mad at having to do it
again."
She let out a moan and furrowed her brow,

"Where is your little brother right now?"
She emptied her arms and with a purposeful
stride, She marched to his closet where he had gone to
hide.
She called his full name as she entered his

room. He trembled with fear--he knew that meant doom!
For the next ten minutes, she ranted and raved
About the expensive wallpaper and how she had
saved.
Lamenting all the work it would take to repair,

She condemned his actions and total lack of
care.
The more she scolded, the madder she got,
Then stomped from his room, totally distraught!
She headed for the den to confirm her fears.

When she saw the wall, her eyes flooded with
tears. The message she read pierced her soul with a
dart. It said, "I love Mommy," surrounded by a heart.
Well, the wallpaper remained, just as she found

it, With an empty picture frame hung to surround it.
A reminder to her, and indeed to all,
Take time to read the handwriting on the wall.
Author Unknown

"To the world you might be one person, but to one

person you might just be the world."
Going to church does not make you a Christian

anymore than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger."
"Real friends are those who, when you feel you've

made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a
permanent job."
"A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and

decides to remain anonymous."
"Sometimes the majority only means that all the

fools are on the same side." - Michael W. Smith
"I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited

to."
"Lead your life so you won't be ashamed to sell the

family parrot to the town gossip." -Will Rogers Jr.
"People gather bundles of sticks to build bridges

they never cross."
"Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how

you respond to it."
"We are not human beings having a spiritual
experience, we are spiritual beings having a human
experience."
"Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a

time and sometimes you weep." -Carl Sandburg
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live

long enough to make them all yourself."
"Following the path of least resistance is what

makes rivers and men crooked."

Lord, thank you for this sink of dirty dishes; we have plenty of food
to eat.
Thank you for this pile of dirty, stinky laundry; we have plenty of
nice clothes to wear.
And I would like to thank you, Lord, for those unmade beds; they were
so warm and comfortable last night. I know that many have no bed.
My thanks to you, Lord, for this bathroom, complete with all the
spattered mess, the soggy, grimy towels, and the dirty lavatory; they are so
convenient.
Thank you for this finger-smudged refrigerator that needs defrosting so

badly; it has served us faithfully for many years. It is full of cold drinks
and enough leftovers for two or three meals.
Thank you, Lord, for this oven that absolutely must be cleaned today;
it has baked so many things over the years.
The whole family is grateful for that tall grass that needs mowing and
the lawn that needs raking; we all enjoy the yard.
Thank you, Lord, even for that slamming door. My kids are healthy and
able to run and play.
Lord, the presence of all these chores awaiting me say You have richly
blessed my family. I shall do them cheerfully and I shall do them gratefully.
Even though I clutch my blanket and growl when the alarm rings, thank
you Lord that I can hear. There are many who are deaf.
Even though I keep my eyes closed against the morning light as long as
possible, thank you Lord that I can see. There are many who are blind.
Even though I huddle in my bed and put off rising, thank you Lord that
I have the strength to rise. There are many who are bedridden.
Even though the first hours of my day are hectic when socks are lost,
toast is burned, tempers are short, and my children are loud, thank you Lord for
my family; there are many who are lonely.
Even though our breakfast table never looks like the pictures in the
magazines and the menu is at times not balanced, thank you Lord for the food we
have; there are many who are hungry.
Even though the routine of my job is often monotonous, thank you Lord
for the opportunity to work. There are many who have no job. Even though I
grumble and bemoan my fate from day to day and wish my circumstances were not
so modest, thank you Lord for LIFE!
-Author unknown

To Whom It May Concern:
I hereby officially tender my resignation as an adult. I have decided I

would like to accept the responsibilities of a 6 year old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant. I

want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.
I
want to think M&M's are better than money, because you can eat them. I
want
to play kickball during recess and paint with watercolors in art. I want
to
lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot
summer day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were
colors, addition tables, and simple nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother
you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
When
all you knew was to be happy because you didn't know all the things that
should make you worried and upset. I want to think that the world is fair.
That everyone in it is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is
possible.
Somewhere in my youth I matured and learned too much. I learned of nuclear

weapons, war, prejudice, starvation, and abused children. I learned of
lies,
unhappy marriages, suffering, illness, pain and death. I learned of a
world
where men left their families to go and fight for our country, and returned
only to end up living on the streets, begging for their next meal. I
learned
of a world where children knew how to kill....and did!!
What happened to the time when we thought that everyone would live forever,
because we didn't grasp the concept of death? When we thought the worst
thing in the world was if someone took the jump rope from you or picked you
last for kickball? I want to be oblivious to the complexity of life and be
overly excited by little things once again. I want to return to the days
when reading was fun and music was clean. When television was used to
report
the news or for family entertainment and not to promote sex, violence, and
deceit.
I remember being naive and thinking that everyone was happy because I was.
I
would walk on the beach and only think of the sand between my toes and
prettiest seashell I could find. I would spend my afternoons climbing
trees
and riding my bike. I didn't worry about time, bills, or where I was going
to find money to fix my car. I used to wonder what I was going to do or be
when I grew up, not worry about what I'll do if this doesn't work out.
I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer

crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days
of
the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness,
and
loss of loved ones. I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind
word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making
angels in the snow. I want to be 6 again.
--author unknown--
A PRAYER FOR YOUR FUTURE
May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your
cardiologist, your gastro-endocrinologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your
podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your gynecologist, your plumber and the
IRS.
May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks
not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol,
your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.
May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere in the rush hour
in less than an hour, and when you get there may you find a parking space.
May you wake up on January 1st, finding that the world has not come to an
end, the lights work, the water faucets flow, and the sky has not fallen.
May you go to the bank on Monday morning, January 3rd and find your
account is in order, your money is still there and any mistakes are in
your favor.
May you ponder on January 4th; How did this ultramodern civilization of
ours manage to get itself traumatized by a possible slip of a blip on a
chip made out of sand.
May you be awe struck by God's sense of humor as you wrestle with the
possibility that a professional wrestler could become president of the
United States.
May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you
delight them.
May someone love you enough to forgive your faults, be blind to your
blemishes, and tell the world about your virtues.
May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish
dinner, and may your check book and your budget balance, and may they
include generous amounts for charity.
May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your
spouse, your child, your parent; but not to your secretary, your nurse, your
masseuse, your hairdresser or your tennis instructor.
Does God Still Speak To Us?
A young man had been to Wednesday night Bible

Study.
The Pastor had shared about listening to God and
obeying the Lord's voice. The young man couldn't
help but wonder, "Does God still speak to people?"
After service he went out with some friends for

coffee and pie and they discussed the message.
Several different ones talked about how God had led
them in different ways. It was about ten 'clock
when the young man started driving home. Sitting in his
car, he just began to pray, "God.. If you still
speak to people, speak to me. I will listen. I will do my
best to obey."
As he drove down the main street of his town, he

had the strangest thought, to stop and buy a gallon of
milk. He shook his head and said out loud, "God is
that you?" He didn't get a reply and started on
toward home. But again, the thought, buy a gallon
of
milk. The young man thought about Samuel and how he
didn't recognize the voice of God, and how little
Samuel ran to Eli.
"Okay, God, in case that is you, I will buy the

milk."
It didn't seem like too hard a test of obedience.
He could always use the milk. He stopped and purchased
the gallon of milk and started off toward home. As
he passed Seventh Street, he again felt the urge, "Turn
down that street."
"This is crazy," he thought and drove on past the

intersection. Again, he felt that he should turn
down Seventh Street. At the next intersection, he turned
back and headed down Seventh. Half jokingly, he
said out loud, "Okay, God, I will."
He drove several blocks, when suddenly, he felt like

he should stop. He pulled over to the curb and
looked around. He was in semi-commercial area of town. It
wasn't the best, but it wasn't the worst of
neighborhoods either.
The businesses were closed and most of the houses

looked dark like the people were already in bed.
Again, he sensed something, "Go and give the milk to
the people in the house across the street." The
young man looked at the house. It was dark and it looked
like the people were either gone or they were
already asleep. He started to open the door and then sat
back in the car seat.
"Lord, this is insane. Those people are asleep and

if I wake them up, they are going to be mad and I will
look stupid."
Again, he felt like he should go and give the milk.

Finally, he opened the door, "Okay God, if this is
you, I will go to the door and I will give them the
milk. If you want me to look like a crazy person,
okay. I want to be obedient. I guess that will
count for something but if they don't answer right away, I
am out of here."
He walked across the street and rang the bell. He

could hear some noise inside. A man's voice yelled
out, "Who is it? What do you want?"
Then the door opened before the young man could get
away. The man was standing there in his jeans and
T-shirt. He looked like he just got out of bed. He
had a strange look on his face and he didn't seem
too happy to have some stranger standing on his
doorstep.
"What is it?"
The young man thrust out the gallon of milk, "Here,

I brought this to you."
The man took the milk and rushed down a hall way
speaking loudly in Spanish.
Then from down the hall came a woman carrying the
milk toward the kitchen. The man was following her
holding a baby. The baby was crying. The man had tears
streaming down his face. The man began speaking and
half crying, "We were just praying. We had some big
bills this month and we ran out of money. We didn't
have any milk for our baby. I was just praying and
asking God to show me how to get some milk." His
wife in the kitchen yelled out,
"I ask him to send an Angel with some. Are you an
Angel?"
The young man reached into his wallet and pulled all
the money he had on him and put it in the man's
hand.
He turned and walked back toward his car and the
tears were streaming down his face. He knew that God
still answers prayers.
"God doesn't want us to do great things, only small

things with great
love."
-----Mother Theresa
Wise up!
Charles Sykes is the author of DUMBING DOWN OUR KIDS. He volunteered for
high school and college graduates, a list of eleven things they did not
learn in school. In his book, he talks about how the feel-good,
politically-correct garbage has created a generation of kids with no concept
of reality and set them up for failure in the real world. The following is
a list of real-life rules that you might want to share with your kids and
friends.
Rule 1: Life is not fair; get used to it.
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect
you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high
school. College either, most likely. You won't be a vice president with a car
phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He
doesn't have tenure.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had
a different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you screw up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about
your mistakes. Learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are
now. They got that way from paying your bills, washing your clothes,
cooking your meals, and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So
before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your
parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers but life has
not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades; they'll give you as
many times as you want to get the right answer. This, of course, doesn't
bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off,
spring and winter breaks, and very few employers are interested in helping
you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to
leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
God's Chair
A man's daughter had asked the local pastor to come

and pray with her father. When the pastor arrived, he found the man lying in bed
his head propped up on two pillows and an empty chair beside his bed. The
pastor assumed that the old fellow had been informed of his visit.
"I guess you were expecting me," he said.
"No, who are you?"
"I'm the new associate at your local church," the

pastor replied. "When I saw the empty chair, I figured you knew I was going to
show up."
"Oh yeah, the chair," said the bedridden man. "Would you mind closing
the door?"
Puzzled, the pastor shut the door. "I've never told anyone this, not even my
daughter," said the man. "But all of my life I have never known how to pray.
At church I used to hear the pastor talk about prayer, but it always went
right over my head. I abandoned any attempt at prayer," the old man
continued, "until one day about four years ago my best friend said to me,
'Joe, prayer is just a simple matter of having a
conversation with Jesus. Here's what I suggest: Sit down on a chair; place an
empty chair in front of you, and in faith see Jesus on the chair. It's not
spooky because he promised, 'I'll be with you always.' Then just speak
to him and listen in the same way you're doing with me right now.' So, I tried
it and I've liked it so much that I do it a couple of hours every day. I'm
careful, though. If my daughter saw me talking to an empty chair, she'd
either have a nervous breakdown or send me to off to the funny farm."
The pastor was deeply moved by the story and

encouraged the old guy to continue on the journey. Then he prayed with him, and
returned to the church. Two nights later the daughter called to tell
the pastor that her daddy had died that afternoon.
"Did he seem to die in peace?" he asked.
"Yes, when I left the house around two o'clock, he

called me over to his bedside, told me one of his corny jokes, and kissed me
on the cheek. When I got back from the store an hour later, I found him
dead. But there was something strange, in fact, beyond strange--really
weird. Apparently, just before Daddy died, he leaned over and rested his head
on a chair beside the bed."
--author unknown
I AM THANKFUL FOR...
....the mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded
by friends.
....the taxes I pay because it means I am employed.
....the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough
to eat.
....a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that
need fixing because it means I have a home.
....my shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.
....the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am
capable of walking.
....all the complaining about our government because it means we have
freedom of speech.
....my large heating bill because it means I am warm.
....the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I
can hear.
....the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means I
am alive.
....the piles of laundry and ironing because it means my loved ones are
nearby.
....weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I
have been productive.
....and your friendship.
Happy Thanksgiving...
THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO H-M-M--
"To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world."
"Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to
MacDonald's makes you a hamburger."
"Real friends are those who, when you feel you've made a fool of
yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job."
"A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain

anonymous."
"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same
side."
"I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to."
"Lead your life so you won't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip."
"People gather bundles of sticks to build bridges they never cross."
"Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it."
"Did it ever occur to you that nothing occurs to God?"
"Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes
you weep."
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself."
"There are two things I've learned: There is a God. And, I'm not Him."
"Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked."
"Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace. And
your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace."
"When it comes time to die...make sure all you got to do is die."
"Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how
to fly."
GOD CREATED THE FIRST TEACHER
On the 6th day, God created men and women.

On the 7th day, he rested.
Not so much to recuperate, but rather

to prepare himself for the work he was
going to do on the next day.
For it was on that day-the 8th
day-that God created the FIRST TEACHER.
This TEACHER, though taken from among men and women,

had several significant modifications.
In general, God made the TEACHER more
durable than other men and women.
The TEACHER was made to arise at a very early

hour and to go to bed no earlier than 11:30 p.m.-
with no rest in between. The TEACHER had to be
able to withstand being locked up in an air-tight
classroom for six hours with thirty-five "monsters"
on a rainy Monday. And the TEACHER had to be fit
to correct 103 term papers over Easter vacation.
Yes, God made the TEACHER tough...but gentle too.

The TEACHER was equipped with soft hands to wipe away
the tears of the neglected and lonely student...of those
of the sixteen year old girl who was not asked to the prom.
And into the TEACHER God poured a generous amount of patience.

Patience when a student asks to repeat the directions the
TEACHER has just repeated for someone else.
Patience when the kids forget their lunch money for the
fourth day in a row.
Patience when one-third of the class fails the test.
Patience when the text books haven't arrived yet,
and the semester starts tomorrow.
And God gave the TEACHER a heart

slightly bigger than the average human heart.
For the TEACHER's heart had to be big enough
to love the kid who screams, "I hate this
class-it's boring!" and to love the kid who runs
out of the classroom at the end of the period without
so much as a "goodbye", let alone a "thank you".
And lastly, God gave the TEACHER an abundant supply of HOPE.

For God knew that the TEACHER would always be hoping.
Hoping that the kids would someday learn how to spell...
hoping not to have lunchroom duty...
hoping that Friday would come...
hoping for a free day....
hoping for deliverance.
When God finished creating the TEACHER, he stepped back and admired
the
work
of his hands. And God saw that the TEACHER was good.
Very Good!
And God smiled, for when he looked at the TEACHER,
he saw into the future.
He knew that the future is in the hands of the TEACHERS.
And because God loves Teachers so much, on the 9th day

God created "Snow Days."
The Brick
A young and very successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood
street. He was going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching
for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he
thought he saw something. As his car passed and no children appeared,
instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door! He slammed on the
brakes, spun the Jag back to the spot from where the brick had been
thrown. He jumped out of the car, grabbed some kid and pushed him up
against a parked car, shouting, "What
was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing?"
Building up a head of steam, he went on. "That's a new car and that
brick you threw is gonna cost you a lot of money. Why did you do it?"
"Please, mister, please, I'm sorry! I didn't know what else to do!"
pleaded
the youngster. "I threw the brick because no one else would stop."
Tears were dripping down the boy's chin as he pointed around the parked
car.
It's my brother," he said. "He rolled off the curband fell out of his
wheelchair and I can't lift him up." Sobbing, the
boy asked the executive, "Would you please help me get him back into his
wheelchair.
He's hurt and he's too heavy for me." Moved beyond words, the driver
tried
desperately to swallow the
rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He helped the boy back into the
wheelchair and took out his handkerchief and wiped the scrapes and cuts,
checking to see that everything was going to be okay.
"Thank you, sir! God bless you!"
He then watched the boy push his brother down the sidewalk toward their
home. It was a long walk back to his Jaguar, and he never did repair
the side door. He kept the dent to remind him not to go through life so
fast that someone would have to throw a brick at him to get his
attention.
Life whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts. Sometimes, when we
don't have the time to listen...life throws a brick
at your head.
It's our choice: We can listen to the whispers of our soul or wait for
the brick.
Space Race
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S.
National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it
needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity
confines of its space capsules.
After considerable research and development, the Astronaut

Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million. The pen worked
and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back
here on Earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem of writing in

zero gravity, used a pencil.
(return to Contents
º 99
author - Dr. Russel H. Conwell
A sobbing little girl stood near a small church from which

she had been turned away because it 'was too crowded'.
"I can't go to Sunday School,"
she sobbed to the pastor as he walked by.
Seeing her shabby, unkempt appearance, the pastor
guessed the reason and, taking her by the hand, took
her inside and found a place for her in the Sunday School
class. The child was so touched that she went to bed that
night thinking of the children who have no place to
worship Jesus.
Some two years later, this child lay dead in one of the
poor tenement buildings and the parents called for the
kind-hearted pastor, who had befriended their daughter,
to handle the final arrangements. As her poor little body
was being moved, a worn and crumpled purse was found
which seemed to have been rummaged from some trash
dump. Inside was found 57 cents and a note scribbled in
childish handwriting which read,
"This is to help build the little church bigger so more children
can go to Sunday school."
For two years she had saved for this offering of love.
When the pastor tearfully read that note, he knew instantly
what he would do. Carrying this note and the cracked,
red pocketbook to the pulpit, he told the story of her unselfish
love and devotion. He challenged his deacons to get busy
and raise enough money for the larger building.
But the story does not end there!

A newspaper learned of the story and published it.
It was read by a Realtor who offered them a parcel of land worth
many thousands. When told that the church could not pay so
much, he offered it for a 57 cents.
Church members made large subscriptions. Checks came

from far and wide.
Within five years the little girl's gift had increased to
$250,000.00 - a huge sum for that time (near the turn of the
century). Her unselfish love had paid large dividends.
When you are in the city of Philadelphia, look up

Temple Baptist Church, with a seating capacity of 3,300,
and Temple University, where hundreds of students are
trained. Have a look, too, at the Good Samaritan Hospital
and at a Sunday School building which houses hundreds of
Sunday scholars, so that no child in the area will ever need to
be left outside during Sunday school time. In one of the rooms
of this building may be seen the picture of the sweet face
of the little girl whose 57 cents, so sacrificially saved, made
such remarkable history. Alongside of it is a portrait of her
kind pastor, Dr. Russel H. Conwell, author of the book,
"Acres of Diamonds." - a true story.
Goes to show WHAT GOD CAN DO WITH 57 cents.
mD
Whenever your kids are out of control, take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend to His kids.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first
thing He said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam asked.
"Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit," God replied.
"Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey Eve, we got Forbidden
Fruit!"
"No way!"
"WAY!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why he
hadn't
stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did not!"
"DID so!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own... thus the pattern was set and it has
never changed. But there is reassurance in this story. If you have
persistently and lovingly tried to give your children wisdom and they
haven't taken it, don't be too hard on yourself. If God had trouble
handling
His children, what made you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I

saw a kid from my class was walking home from school. His name was Kyle.
It looked like he was carrying all of his books. I thought to myself,
"Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a
nerd." I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with
my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went
on. As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at
him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed
in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass
about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in
his
eyes. My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him and as he crawled
around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye. As I handed
him
his glasses, I said, "Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives."
He looked at me and said, "Hey thanks!" There was a big smile on his
face. It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude. I helped him
pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. As it turned out, he lived
near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before. He said he had
gone
to private school before now. I would have never hung out with a private
school kid before. We talked all the way home, and I carried his books. He
turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play
football on
Saturday with me and my friends. He said yes.
We hung all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked
him. And my friends thought the same of him. Monday morning came, and there
was Kyle with the huge stack of books again. I stopped him and said, "Damn
boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this
pile of books everyday!" He just laughed and handed me half the books.
Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends. When we
were seniors, began to think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown,
and I was going to Duke. I knew that we would always be friends, that
the miles would never be a problem. He was going to be a doctor, and I was
going for business on a football scholarship. Kyle was valedictorian of our
class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a
speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there
and speak. Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those
guys that really found himself during high school. He filled out and
actually
looked good in glasses. He had more dates than me and all the girls
loved him! Boy, sometimes I was jealous. Today was one of those days. I
could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the
back and said, "Hey, big guy, you'll be great!" He looked at me with one of
those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled. "Thanks," he said.
As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began. "Graduation
is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years.
Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach... but mostly your
friends. I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is
the
best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story."
I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the
first day we met. He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He
talked
of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later
and
was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me and gave me a little
smile. "Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the
unspeakable." I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome,
popular boy
told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his Mom and dad looking at me
and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize
it's depth.
Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture
you can change a person's life. For better or for worse. God puts us all
in each other's lives to impact one another in some way.

c9
9
There are times when we are timid and shy about expressing the love we
feel. For fear of embarrassing the other person, or ourselves, we
hesitate to say the actual words "I love you." So we try to
communicate the idea in other words.
We say 'take care' or 'don't drive too fast' or 'be good.' But really,
these are just other ways of saying 'I love you,' 'you are important
to me,' 'I care what happens to you,' 'I don't want you to get hurt.'
We are sometimes very strange people. The only thing we want to say,
and the one thing that we should say, is the one thing we don't say.
And yet, because the feeling is so real, and the need to say it is so
strong, we are driven to use other words and signs to say what we
really mean. And many times the meaning never gets communicated at all
and the other person is left feeling unloved and unwanted.
Therefore, we have to LISTEN FOR LOVE in the words that people are
saying to us. Sometimes the explicit words are necessary, but more
often, the manner of saying things is even more important. A joyous
insult carries more affection and love within the sentiments which are
expressed insincerely. An impulsive hug says I LOVE YOU even though
the words might be saying very different.
Any expression of a person's concern for another says I love you.

Sometimes the expression is clumsy, sometimes even cruel. Sometimes we
must look and listen very intently for the love that it contains. But it
is often there, beneath the surface.
A mother may nag her son constantly about his grades or cleaning his
room. The son may hear only the nagging, but if he listens carefully,
he will hear the love underneath the nagging. His mother wants him to
do well, to be successful. Her concern and love for her son
unfortunately emerge in her nagging. But it is love all the same.
A daughter comes home late, way past her curfew, and her father
confronts her with angry words. The daughter may hear only the anger,
but if she listens carefully, she will hear the love under the anger.
"I was worried about you," the father is saying. 'Because I care
about you and I love you. You are important to me.
We say I love you in many ways-with birthday gifts, and little notes,
with smiles and sometimes with tears. Sometimes we show our love by
just keeping quiet and not saying a word, at other times by speaking
out, even brusquely. We show our love sometimes by impulsiveness.
Many times we have to show our love by forgiving someone who has not
listened to the love we have tried to express.
The problem is listening for love is that we don't always understand

the language of love which the other person is using. A girl may use
tears or emotions to say what she wants to say, and her boyfriend may not
understand her because he expects her to be talking his language.
Thus, we have to force ourselves to really listen for love.
The problem with our world is that people rarely listen to each other.
They hear the words, but they don't listen to the actions that
accompany the words or the expression on the face. Or people listen
only for rejection or misunderstanding. They do not see the love that
is there just beneath the surface, even if the words are angry.
We have to listen for love in those around us. If we listen intently

we will discover that we are a lot more loved than we realize.
Listen for love and we will find that the world is a

very loving place after all.

All I really need to know about Life, I learned from Noah's Ark:
(1) Don't miss the boat.
(2) Don't forget we're all in the same boat.
(3) Plan ahead-it wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
(4) Stay fit-when you're 600 years old someone might ask
you to do something really big.
(5) Don't listen to critics, just get on with what has to

be done.
(6) For safety's sake travel in pairs.
(7) Two heads are better than one.
(8) Build your future on high ground.
(9) Speed isn't always an advantage, after all, the snails

were on the same ark with the cheetahs.
(10) When you're stressed, float awhile.
(11) Remember the ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic

was built by professionals.
(12) Remember that the woodpeckers inside are a larger

threat than the storm outside.
(13) No matter what the storm, when God is with you,

there's a rainbow waiting.
D9D99c9D9
Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are content to watch
others do.
They are called "Speck Tators."
Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault
with the way others do things.
They're called "Comment Tators."
Some are always looking to cause problems and really get under your skin.
They are called "Aggie Tators."
There are those who are always saying they will, but somehow, they never
get around to doing.
We call them "Hezza Tators."
Some people put on a front and act like someone else.

They're called "Emma Tators."
Then, there are those who walk what they talk. They're always prepared to
stop what they're doing to lend a hand to others and bring real sunshine
into the lives of others.
You can call them "Sweet Tators."
º
Life in the 1500's

This is really interesting (and TRUE!)
Most people got married in June because they took their
yearly bath in May and were still smelling pretty good by June. However,
they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide
the BO
Baths equaled a big tub filled with hot water. The man
of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other
sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the
babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose
someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with
the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs. Thick straw, piled high,

with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so
all the pets...dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs lived
in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals
would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and
dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the

house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other
droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. So, they found that if
they made beds with big posts and hung a sheet over
the top, it addressed the problem. Hence those beautiful big 4
poster beds with canopies. The sheet helped to keep out the cold
at night.
Only the wealthy had floors that were something other

than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors,
which would get slippery in the winter when wet. So they spread thresh on
the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on they kept
adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start
slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed at the entryway, hence a
"threshold."
They cooked in the kitchen in a big kettle that always hung over
the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the
pot. They mostly ate vegetables and didn't get much meat. They would eat
the stew for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold
overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had
food in it that had been in there for a month. Hence the rhyme:
"peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days
old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really

special when that happened. When company came over, they would bring out
some bacon and hang it to show it off. It was a sign of wealth and that a
man "could really bring home the bacon." They would cut
off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and
"chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a

high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food. This
happened most often with tomatoes, so they stopped eating tomatoes... for
400 years.
Most people didn't have pewter plates, but had trenchers - a piece
of wood with the middle scooped out like bowl. Trenchers were
never washed and a lot of times worms got into the wood. After eating off
wormy trenchers, hence they would get "trench mouth."
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the

burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the
top, or the "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The

combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone
walking along the road would take them for dead
and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the
kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and
eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of
holding a "wake."
England is old and small, and they started running out

of places to bury people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take
their bones to reuse the grave. In reopening these coffins, one out of 25
coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they
realized they had been burying people alive. So they
thought they would tie a string on their wrist and lead it through the
coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have
to sit out in the graveyard all night to listen for the bell. Hence on the
"graveyard shift" they would know that someone was
"saved by the bell" or he was a "dead ringer."
9 m
To: YOU
Date: TODAY
From: THE BOSS
Subject: YOURSELF
Reference: LIFE
I am God.
Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help. If
life happens to
deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it.
Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box.
It will be addressed in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold on
to it.
1. If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don't despair. There are people in this world for whom
driving is an
unheard of privilege.
2. Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of work for years.
3. Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known
what it's like to
love and be loved in return.
4. Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the woman in dire straits,
working twelve hours a
day, seven days a week to feed her children.
5. Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; Think of the paraplegic
who would love
the opportunity to take that walk.
6. Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer patient in chemo who
wishes she had hair
to examine.
7. Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my
purpose? Be
thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.
8. Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or
insecurities;
Remember, things could be worse. You could be them!!!!

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He became a Christian while attending college. Across the street from

Although perfectly acceptable behavior at a college fellowship, this

You try to enter your password on the microwave.

You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom

The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to

You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.

Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited

It is easy to get discouraged when things are going bad. But we

You say: "It's impossible"

You say: "I'm too tired"

You say: "Nobody really loves me"

You say: "I can't go on"

You say: "I can't figure things out"

You say: "I can't do it"

You say: "It's not worth it"

You say: "I can't forgive myself"

You say: "I can't manage"

You say: "I'm afraid"

You say: "I'm always worried and frustrated"

You say: "I don't have enough faith"

You say: "I'm not smart enough"

You say: "I feel all alone"

Ê    

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments

The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

How many of these do you remember?

1. Blackjack chewing gum

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young

If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older

If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

I must exercise compassion, help the fallen to their

Send this to everyone you care about to show them you

Funny how a $100 "looks" so big when taken to church, but

Funny how long a couple of hours spent at church are, but

Funny how people can't think of anything to say when they

Funny how people get thrilled when a baseball game goes

Funny how hard it is to read a chapter in the bible, but

Funny how people want to get a front seat at any game or

Funny how people need 2 or 3 weeks advance notice to fit a

Funny how hard it is for people to learn a simple gospel

Funny how people believe what the newspaper says, but

Funny how everyone wants to go to heaven provided they do

Funny how you can send a thousand 'jokes' through e-mail

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Ê

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