MOODY SPOTS _- SEPT 4 Distractionsoff! Attentionon!

Full Physical Attention: How to Listen Radio Spot583 words Jeff: Heres a question for the guys: Does your wife ever want to ask a question or share something on her mind just as your team ties the game with five minutes to go? Now, even though your team needs you, you know your wife needs you, too. So you may try to focus on both things! But that really doesnt work so well. Because she doesnt feel listened to. Shaunti: Through interviewing and surveying hundreds of women for our book For Men Only, we found that making a woman feel listened to is actually one of the most immediate ways a man can make his wife feel loved. Jeff: Unfortunately for most of us guys, proper listening is a skill that does not come pre-installed at the factory! We may think were being gurus of sympathy, but lets be honest with ourselves. We tell ourselves we can listen to our wife and watch the game or keep doing whatever it is were doing but deep down, its no surprise that that doesnt make her feel listened to. There may be times this is very difficult for us to do, but real listening happens when you take your attention off of everything else and put it on her. Shaunti: Let me give a recent example. Because I travel and speak on many weekends, sometimes it is hard for Jeff and me to find time to catch up on things. But this past Saturday morning I was at home, and savoring the chance to just sit at the kitchen table with Jeff and drink our coffee. Jeff was engrossed in a business magazine, but there were some things I really needed to discuss with him. And to top it all off, the kids kept interrupting. After a few distracted minutes, Jeff looked up at me, closed his magazine, and set it aside. Then he told the kids to go play in the other room and not interrupt. It only took a few minutes for me to share what was on my mind, but it had a big emotional impact because I saw that Jeff was willing to decisively give me his full physical attention. Jeff: To tell you the truth, I dont even remember doing this because it took so little time and effort. But it was a great investment if she still remembers this days later. Now, keeping it real, sometimes, your full physical attention isnt possible at that exact moment. For example, I really have a hard time dragging my attention away when my favorite football team is in a close game. And you know what? I think it is OK for that sort of thing to be legitimately important to us as men. But

at those times, instead of trying to do two things at once, you might try being gently honest and say, I really want to be able to listen to you, but I think I would be pretty distracted and thats not fair to you. Would you be OK with talking about this in half an hour? Shaunti: And guys, I actually do understand that it is sometimes a real sacrifice to take your attention off of something else and turn to face her. But it will be so worth it in making your wife feel loved. If you think about it, youll be modeling exactly what God does for us: because it makes all of us feel so loved that we know Hes always willing to listen.

Unmotivated Husband? Affirmation is Key Radio Spot590 words Shaunti: Whenever I speak in economically-challenged areas, Ill often have a woman come up to tell me the frustrations she has with her unmotivated husband. For example, her spouse was laid off along with half the factory, and while he initially looked for work, she thinks hes progressively gotten lazier. And the more he sits on the couch and watches T.V., the less respect she has for him. While these frustrations are very understandable, very few women seem realize how truly debilitating it is for a man to feel like he failed as a provider. Jeff: For a man, providing financially for his family is a burden that constantly weighs on us but it is also a huge part of our psyche, and critical to our sense of being alive and motivated as a man. In other words, a man just doesnt feel like a man if he cant provide. Shaunti: See ladies, in interviewing and surveying over 1,500 men for my book For Women Only, almost three out of four men said the need to provide was always or often on their minds. It is there, as a part of who they are. So facing financial problems almost guarantees that a man will feel like a failure. If a man gets fired or laid off, and is in an area where finding a new job is difficult, with every day that passes that he hasnt been able to get his family back on track, he feels worse and worse about himself. When you think about it, it is no wonder he might get depressed and lethargic. You think finding a job is simply an obstacle to overcome; but he sees his lack of ability to provide as confirmation that hes a total failure. And understandably, feeling like an utter failure saps anyones ability to be motivated. Jeff: And unfortunately, women can unintentionally make things worse without realizing it. For example, a man knows with every fiber of his being that hes failed if you push and prod him to get motivated, or show him you have lost respect, it will simply drive him deeper into this debilitating sense of failure. Any faith he had in himself will quickly fade. Shaunti: This is why its so important to believe in his ability to solve the problem and tell him so. Its so important to encourage him and affirm him. To say, Sure, you didnt get that job, but they said they were probably looking for a different skill set anyway. Youre an excellent worker and someone will see that soon. Im beside you on this. Jeff: But women should also realize that being supportive also means being practical, and willing to change your financial choices so he feels less pressure. When a man is already feeling like a bad provider, it is especially painful to feel

like his wife is reminding him what sort of provision she expects, by bringing home lots of shopping bags from the mall. It makes him feel, for example, like she would never be happy if he took a more family-friendly job with a lower paycheck even if thats actually not true! Shaunti: The Bible talks about living in understanding with one another. And difficult financial seasons are probably one of the most important times to exercise understanding with your husband; to look beyond the surface of this man who seems unmotivated, and realize that he is someone who deeply needs to know that he is not a failure and that you believe in him.

Tell Harry What Sally Needs: Dont Expect Him to Read Your Mind Radio Spot612 words Shaunti: Our daughter loves the 1998 remake of the Disney movie The Parent Trap. In it, a long-divorced couple sees each other for the first time in 12 years and realizes how much they still care about each other. When the man asks his ex-wife what really happened that day they separated, she basically answers, Well, I got on the plane and you didnt come after me. Theres a long pause, and he responds, I didnt know you wanted me to. That one line encapsulates something that we women often simply dont understand about our men. We want them to know whats going on in our heads but we dont tell them! We want them to sort of figure out why were angry or just miraculously come up with our vision of the perfect romantic date without knowing what that vision is. Jeff: Ladies, we want to be your hero we really do. But the fact is, sometimes, we simply have no idea what you want. Take romantic gestures, for example. We get a bad rap for this, but enjoy romance, too. In Shauntis survey of men for her book For Women Only, she found that more than eight of ten men want romance as much as their wives do! Its not that we dont understand what romance is or how to put together a romantic night, and its not that we think your birthday is unimportant! Sometimes, were either paralyzed or point-blank confused by wondering what on earth you want. Shaunti: Ladies, as much as we want men to, they simply cant read our minds. I cant tell you the number of men who begged me to tell women that they really wished their wife would drop some hints about the romantic things shed like to do. Now, they have to truly be hints not directives, since pushing and prodding is the worst way to get your man to act but many guys say they would love at least a few ideas of which direction to go. Jeff: Some women feel it doesnt count if they have to give their man a hint. But that is a catch-22 for a guy! He cant read your mind, so he has to take a big risk and try something blind. But then if you dont seem to like it, it makes him much less willing to risk that humiliation in the future. So, honestly, ladies, its in your best interest to be willing to share a few things as long as your husband is one who wants to hear those ideas from you. Some men apparently do like the adventure of trying to figure what you want on their own. I dont know any of those men, but I have heard they exist. But for most of us, we would love a gentle nudge in the right direction. For example, when we first married, I would always get Shaunti elegant jewelry for a Christmas or birthday present. She would thank me and say how beautiful it was but I noticed she rarely wore those pieces. Finally, she was willing to tell me that her jewelry style was more fun and modern shed much rather wear big

bright-colored necklaces than elegant diamond studs. I was so thankful that I finally knew how to direct my efforts. Shaunti: Ladies, I know we think our men should be able to read our minds, but honestly that idea comes from science fiction or romance novels. Its not reality. God has designed our men to want to be our hero lets give them a chance to be one by letting them know how they can best please us.

Happy Dad: YOU are the priority Radio Spot583 words Jeff: Guys, has your wife ever complained that you work too hard? Have there been times when she asked you to work less? You may have understood her requestbut with $8,000 of credit card debt, private school tuition, and the mortgage to pay, you knew that changing your work patterns wasnt a viable option. And even if money wasnt tight, you and your wife probably enjoyed a certain standard of living, which neither of you would have realistically wanted to give up. Shaunti: It can often seem like a catch 22 because youre putting in the long hours and working hard so that you can provide for your family. In your eyes, the long work hours are a reflection of your dedication to keeping your family secure. But in your wifes eyes, the demanding work schedule may actually be doing just the opposite. Often, if a woman feels like her husband is sacrificing family time for work, she feels more insecure than secure. Jeff: Its hard to fully grasp, but we found that, for women, security is not exactly simple. For us guys, when we think of security, we probably think about plenty of money in the bank and a comfortable lifestyle. Right? Well, I found out its a little bit more complex for women. In fact, through interviews and surveys of hundreds of women for the book For Men Only, we discovered that security is not a straightforward term. In fact, we found a clear distinction between financial security and emotional security. While your wife may be completely secure financially, feeling distant and disconnected can lead her towards emotional insecurity. Shaunti: And for a woman, this is not a happy place to be. In fact, the research reveals that 70% of women would prefer to endure financial struggles over feeling emotionally distant and insecure in their relationship. Jeff: So, when she seems to be nagging you to work less, there is actually a deeper message embedded in her complaintone that is quite flattering. Let me translate. Even more important than the savings account and type of house you live in, she craves relationship with you. Shaunti: She wants to know shes loved and close to youwhich, surprising though this may be to many men, you cant prove by slaving away at workeven if youre doing it for her! Be encouraged. We found that you are more important to her than paychecks, cars, that really cute pair of shoes she just bought, and other financial comforts. Jeff: Guys, youll want to hear this, too. The most flattering and encouraging thing we discovered is that most of the women wanted their husband to work less so that he could enjoy life more.

Shaunti: So, even though women tend to desire closeness and emotional security, the most important thing is that their men are happy and fulfilled. In fact, when given the choice, 70% of the women surveyed said theyd rather their husband take a lower-paying job that would require financial sacrifices if it allowed more family time. And the figure jumped to 89% if she felt you wanted to make that choice. We couldnt find one woman that wanted her husband to take a job that left him unfulfilled or unhappy in his work life. Jeff: So, next time the next time your wife tries to persuade you to work less, try to take it as a compliment, not a criticism. See that what shes really asking for is YOU!

Dont Catch Me If You CanFeeling Like an Imposter at Work and Home Radio Spot567 words Shaunti: Back in the 1940s and 50s, there was a man who, throughout his lifetime, was a lawyer, a civil engineer, a cancer researcher, a sheriffs deputy, a doctor of applied psychology, a surgeon, a child-care expert, a Benedictine monk, among other careersbut, you get the idea. He did a lot in his life and seemed to be pretty accomplished, right? Well, its not as impressive as you think. The man Im talking about is Ferdinand Waldo Demara, who is also known as the Great Imposter. Without training or credentials, Demara masqueraded in these careers pretending to know what he was doing. And you know what? A lot of people believed him. But even though many were fooled, one person knew the truth. Demara knew he was an imposter. And everyday he probably worried about being found out. Jeff: But, its not just actual imposters like Demara that fear being found out. What a lot of women may not realize is that their husband or boyfriend may feel that exact same feeling on a daily basis. Shaunti: Ladies, its true: through interviews and surveys of over 1,500 men for the book, For Women Only, I found that seven out of ten men admitted feeling insecure about how others viewed them, whether or not they looked quite confident on the outside. Jeff: Many men fight a deep inner uncertainty about whether they are doing a good job -- even if they have all the necessary degrees and training. Or, even more likely, they fight the uncomfortable feeling that they really have no idea how to be a good husband or father. This uncertainty can leave even the most seemingly-confident man dreading the moment when he will be exposedand that people will find out that hes just totally faking it. Shaunti: And so even while questioning his own abilities, he will try to put on a good front to prove to others that he is competent, because its incredibly humiliating and anxiety producing for a guy to think that his boss or co-worker doesnt believe he is capable. Jeff: Well, and it is even more anxiety-producing to feel like we are one mess-up away from being found out. And what women may not realize is that although this insecurity takes a toll at work, men often feel like imposters at home as well. This self-doubt doesnt suddenly disappear once we have left the office. Often, we men question our ability to be a good husband or dad, and feel like were bluffing our way through the being-a-husband thing. Shaunti: Ladies, this is where we come in. Our words and actions can play a major role in positively affirming our men. This will help him feel more secure in

a world that feels ready to pounce and rip away his mask. Everyone needs affirmation, and it is very important to men even when it doesnt look like it. Proverbs 27 says we should not praise ourselves, but let others do it. But that means we have to do it! What an honor for us as women to have such a tremendous role to play in building up the man in our lives. As you remember to affirm the man God has given you, and make home a safe place and a haven from the buffeting of the world, the wonderful results will be their own best incentive to continue.

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Working Together in Peace Radio Spot -- 643 words Shaunti: It is interesting that the Bible talks so much about learning to live and work together in peace. And that that is particularly important in those cases where a husband and wife are not only living together but working together as well! Over the years I have worked together with my husband in various capacities, and I have also seen other friends go that same route. Some have made it work very well and others really havent. Not long ago, I spoke at a womens event, and during the Question and Answer time I was struck by one womans question. She seemed like a strong, confident personality as she explained that her husband had asked her to come work with him in his business, and she was starting in just a few days. She asked me, What can I do to make sure this works and I dont mess this up? Whats the one piece of advice you can give me for how I should approach my husband, now that he is not just my husband but my co-worker and boss? She appeared to be a confident, assertive professional woman and yet she was very cautious about this new direction. And in my opinion, she was wise: because she has reason to be cautious. Many women may think working with their husband is a dream come true -- and it can be! But the key is to think ahead of how best to make it a dream instead of a nightmare. See, I, too, have a strong, assertive personality and I too have had experience of working with my husband in his business. And as I told this woman that day, there are two critical things to remember: First, realize the context of just how much your husband needs to feel respected by you, and how easy it is for him to feel disrespected, without you ever intending it. And that is the reason for the one most practical piece of advice I could give her and to anyone else in that same situation: to think about every single thing that you say to him, before you say it. Especially during the first few months while you are in the process of learning how to work together. In our personal lives, husbands can already misunderstand very benign comments from a wife as disrespect, and see disrespect where she really didnt intend it. In my own experience and my interviews with men who worked with their wives -- that dynamic is magnified tenfold when you are actually working together. For example, many men have told me that they would think about a decision and relay it to their team including their wife. But she would often innocently ask, well, what about doing it this way? As a woman, we often throw out questions since we tend to process things verbally. But guys process internally, so by the time he says his decision, hes probably thought extensively about the subject.

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So when you throw out a simple question, your husband may see you questioning his judgment not just as a husband, but as a co-worker or boss. This is why the most practical advice I can give is to get in the habit of catching yourself before you say anything and mentally reviewing it under the lens of how will he take this? That is important in any husband-wife relationship anyway but imperative in one where the financial health of the family depends on husband and wife being able to work together well. Proverbs says that a prudent person sees when there is possible trouble ahead and takes precautions to weather it. If you and your husband work together or are thinking about it think in advance about how you will handle it. So that you do have that household and workplace of peace.

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FPO Radio Spot - Freedom

(590 words) Shaunti: One of the key ingredients for a happy, successful marriage is peace in the home the assurance that all is well with the relationships in the family. In particular, as parents, we really need the sense that our kids are on the right track in life but once kids hit the pre-teen and teenage years, many parents begin to see some seemingly irrational words and actions from them and suddenly that coveted peace is severely challenged. To talk more about this, Im going to bring in Lisa, my co-author on For Parents Only: Getting Inside the Head of Your Kid, a youth speaker who has four teenagers herself. Welcome, Lisa. Lisa: Thanks, Shaunti. You know, if youre trying to parent an adolescent or teen, you may have heard things like this: You cant take my cell phone away; its mine! Or, An 11:00 curfew? Youre ruining my life! Many couples assume that these highly dramatic, illogical statements mean that their kid has some rebellion issues to deal with, but we were surprised to find that theres often a different culprit. Shaunti: In our national scientific survey of teenagers for For Parents Only, we found that the thing thats motivating our kids far more than us parents or their peers is freedom! Freedom is like cocaine to a teenager. Its intoxicating, its addictive, theyll do anything to get it, and theyre terrified of losing it. Lisa: The scary thing for parents is that, under this addictive influence, kids will often do stupid or deceptive things in order to keep their freedoms rolling. And our kids are not only addicted, theyre brain-deficient! The frontal lobe of the brain the area that allows judgment of consequences and control of impulses doesnt fully develop until after the teen years! So, teen brains rely more on the centers that control emotion, which means they become more impulsive! Shaunti: Okay, as a mother of young kids, this information honestly makes me want to climb into bed and pull the covers over my head or lock the kids in the basement until theyre 25. But I see that millions of kids and parents somehow make it through this stage, so there has to be hope. Lisa: We looked to the kids themselves for some advice. The first thing they said was they want their parents to try to put themselves in their shoes. For example, think about this: how would you feel if your boss didnt like your work and took away your Internet for a week? Ew! Shaunti: It is also important to understand what freedoms are most important to your child and to choose discipline options keeping their key fear triggers in mind. For example, one child might view her cell phone as her lifeline to the world, and another, the use of the car might be a far more critical tool of

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independence. We usually have multiple discipline options to choose from for any given infraction, and if we dont understand their key freedoms, we could choose an approach that we might view as no big deal but that our child views as the nuclear bomb of discipline. Sometimes, of course, the nuclear bomb of losing coveted freedoms is needed but at least we should know that that is what were doing! Lisa: It has been said that peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it. May your marriage be blessed with the peace of God this week as you learn deal with conflict in His wisdom.

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#2 Identity
(627 words) Shaunti: One of the most mystifying stages that a husband and wife can go through begins when their child hits in middle school. Couples often hear things like, Uh, Mom, not to hurt your feelings or anything, but dont go clothes shopping for me anymore, okay? Just drop me at the mall with some money. Often we think, Whats wrong? Why dont the kids want to be with us or look like us anymore? Well, in most cases, theres nothing wrong! Our kids have to go through a developmental identity-seeking stage to become a healthy adult. Today, Ive brought in Lisa Rice, my co-author on For Parents Only: Getting Inside the Head of Your Kid, and a parent to four teenagers, to talk more about this. Lisa, have you seen it? Lisa: Have I seen it? Im living it! My husband and I want to be good parents, but we seem to be chasing after the elusive close relationship we remember having with our little ones. But so much happens in these few short years! We know our kids need to find their own identity and build their own castle as we put it -- but theres a problem. The only building blocks they have to build with are ours, because our identity is the only one theyve ever known! So if they want to make something their own they have to question everything. Its like they suddenly pull apart every value, opinion and taste that weve used to build our castles and question whether or not they want it to be part of their castle. This can be scary for a parent. Shaunti: Since Ive got younger kids who still love nothing more than to dress like me, its scary just to hear this! But in our research of more than 1,200 teens for our book, we found out that its not just the parents who are scared. Despite the barbs, the lippy-ness, and the pulling away, theres usually a rather insecure kid inside, desperately trying to figure out who he is. Lisa: Let me give an example. One of my daughters was frustrated one day and said, I dont feel like Im the best at anything Not my sport, my music, my job, or my grades. Its like I dont have anything thats clearly me! So I shared something Id once heard from Mike Bickle. I drew a diagram a little circle surrounded by a bigger one. I labeled the various places around the outer circle with words like appearance, talents, friends, grades, and so on, and then asked her to mark the areas that were bothering her. I said, The labels in this outer ring are where many people look for their identity. But if so, God will allow pain in those areas to push us to this center circle, which is our core identity: that we are lovers of God, beloved of God, and we abide in the heart of a God who adores us. If we try to base our identity on any of these other aspects, well become frustrated. But well find contentment when we focus on our real identity. My daughter said, Wow, thats exactly what I needed.

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Shaunti: During these years when our kids try to figure out who they are it is imperative for us to point them to their identity as lovers of God. But it is also important to realize that as much as we want to, we cant push that building block into their castle. Instead, we need to answer their questions about it, and let them work through it instead of getting defensive. Which will make it much more likely that they will want to involve us in the process for years to come.

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#3 Taking Charge
(593 words) Shaunti: One of the things that many husbands and wives argue about is how strict to be with their kids. Weve all seen the different types of parents: Theres the super-permissive one who lets the kids walk all over her or, the super-strict parent who wont let his child utter a peep or take any risks at all. And then theres most of us in the middle, just trying to figure out what to do! To figure out what the kids need most, Im bringing in Lisa Rice on this conversation, a mom of four teenagers and my co-author on For Parents Only: Getting Inside the Head of Your kid. Lisa, lets talk a little about what we found in our research. Lisa: What we ended up doing was asking hundreds of kids themselves what kind of parent they most needed. Now, you might think that was a crazy thing to do, but we found the kids actually had a lot of wisdom on this when they were able to be anonymous and tell us things they would never admit to their parents. On a national scientific survey, we asked the kids whether they would rather have their parents enforce the rules, stay on top of who they were hanging out with, and ensure that they do their homework OR would they rather have a parent who didnt hassle them about those things and let them pretty much do what they wanted. We were amazed to see that three out of four kids secretly wanted the take charge parent. Shaunti: It turns out that as long as a husband and wife arent exerting authority in order to show whos boss, but are helping kids develop their own capacity for responsibility, the kids agree with the parenting books about the need for parents to take charge and be the parent, not just the friend. Lisa: Weve seen so many couples actually having marriage problems because one parent is the lenient, permissive one, and the other is more authoritarian. It can really cause some relational tension! But were finding that there really is a balance here. Its the loving and firm parent whose hearts are clearly for the good of the children but who arent afraid to take the directors chair and run the show. Shaunti: Throughout the Bible God speaks of the importance of parents who take their responsibilities seriously. In the first few chapters of 1st Samuel the Bible speaks of a priest named Eli and his sons, Hophni and Phineas. These sons were wicked in the sight of God, disobeying their father Eli, and the Lord. The Bible says they were worthless men who would not listen to the voice of their father, and they did not know the Lord. The sobering part is that God punished Elis house for the sins of the sons because Eli did not restrain them.

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Eli knew his sons were disobeying the Lord, yet he did not stop them from their sin. Parents have a very important responsibility to discipline their children to teach them to obey God, parents, and governing authorities. Lisa: The New Testament has a lot to say about parenting, too. Ephesians 6:4 states: "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." Shaunti: Its really crucial that we not become lazy and complacent; but that we take seriously this awesome responsibility of parenting that we become those loving and firm, always consistent parents who will be a blessing to future generations.

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#4 Security
(588 words) Shaunti: One of my favorite stories in the Bible is one Jesus tells about the young man who took his fathers inheritance and squandered it in riotous living. When he tried to come back home, amazingly, his father ran to meet the wayward son, placing his robe around the boys shoulders and throwing him a big party. What kind of response is that? (Pause) As I do marriage conferences around the country, a common tension that I hear is that a husband and wife have tension over parenting styles especially how to respond when Junior does something very very wrong. But I believe the Prodigal Son story gives us Gods heart as a model. To help dig into, Im bringing in Lisa Rice on the conversation; shes the mother or foster mom of four very active teenagers and my co-author on For Parents Only: Getting Inside the Head of Your Kid. Lisa: As we were doing our research with hundreds of teens around the country, we found some eye-opening truths about a kids need for unconditional love and acceptance especially when they mess up. Heres the bottom line: Although they may not look like it, kids want the security of knowing we are making the effort to understand them and will be there for them but kids will emotionally shut out a parent they see as judgmental. And when we look at the Prodigal Son story, there wasnt even a hint of judgmentalism in the father, was there? I cant help but wonder how Id do as a parent in the same situation. Certainly Id want to inform my returning son of my disappointment in his behavior, and Id want to give him, at a minimum, a good talking to. Right? Shaunti: You know, it is so hard for us as parents to do this, but sometimes we have to be willing to let our kids make their own mistakes. God doesnt want our kids to go astray, but sometimes all of us have found that the mistakes we make in our lives brings a maturity we wouldnt have had otherwise. But God also welcomes us back with open arms, and after talking to all these hurting kids, I realize that parents need to do the same. When they rebel or fail, they are already very disappointed in themselves; instead of disappointment and shame from us, they need understanding, unconditional love, and security. Lisa: And if they dont feel that security, theres a sad consequence. Two-thirds of the kids said that, after a while, they would stop sharing their feelings with a hurtful or judgmental parent. But otherwise they want to talk to us. They want to be able to share their mistakes and get advice. The key for us is showing our child that were available and interested not just when there is a problem, but in the day-to-day stuff of his life. Ask him one good question a day, truly listen to the answer, and respond without judgment or harshness. And if he does mess up, theres already a trust and rapport there that will help you work through it together.

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Shaunti: In telling the story of the prodigal son, Jesus wanted his listeners to know that God as his father is loving and forgiving, and that he pursues each one of us. We need to do the same for our children. Yes, there are consequences but they need to know that we will walk through those consequences with them, and show we love them, regardless.

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#5 Listening
(548 words) Shaunti: Picture this scenario: Your daughter stomps in the door after school, steaming mad about being excluded from something and being embarrassed in front of her friends. She doesnt share her innermost thoughts anymore, so youre glad to have a chance to listen as she vents for a while. When youre finally able to get a word in edgewise, you say, Well, would it help to do suchand-such? She glares at you, mutters, You never listen to me, then stalks off to text message a friend. Youre left speechless, wondering what she thought you were doing for the last 15 minutes! Im speaking today about listening, and here to help me sort this out is my co-author of For Parents Only, Lisa Rice. Lisa, whats the big issue here? Lisa: In our teen interviews, the kids number one complaint about their parents was, They dont listen. We tried to stifle our snorts about the irony, since thats usually our line about them! The great news is that our kids actually want to talk to us, but the reason they dont is that, in their experience, we are simply rotten listeners. Shaunti: Well, if its not simply time with our kid, then whats the teen translation definition of good parental listening? Lisa: For our kids, listening means hearing and acknowledging what they are feeling about a problem, first and foremost. This was the same thing you and Jeff told men about their wives in For Men Only after your research showed that most women need to have their feelings heard before they will be interested in working on a solution. Who knew it would be just as important for a teen? Shaunti: Weve established that teens are giant, quivering balls of emotion, and when they see that a parents emotion is just as high as theirs, its scary. Or, if a parent seems to have made up his mind before hearing a kid out, a kid will clam up. Some kids told us that their parents care more about enforcing the rules than building a relationship. If your child doesnt feel safe talking to you, or that her feelings are acknowledged and affirmed in a conflict, the communication door will be shut. Lisa: The good news is that it doesnt have to stay shut forever. Even fathers, who are known for their fight or flight, all or nothing responses, can learn to not filter out a daughters emotion, but rather focus on it and affirm those feelings. Instead of yelling in her face, Youd better be nicer to your little brother! he can calmly say, You know, Ill bet its hard to have a little brother who knows just how to irritate you, isnt it? I had a sister who could push all my buttons and make me

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furious. This will disarm the child and open the door for real dialogue not just out of control parental venting. Shaunti: Its a parents responsibility to provide an oasis of calm in the midst of a childs emotional storms. Parents, we need to be calm even when our kids arent. And if we can be, well find that the peace we all long for will extend not only to our children, but to our marriages as well. God bless you this week as you practice effective listening.

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#6 Attitude
(word count 551) Shaunti: You ask your son to take out the trash, but instead of moving to respond, he stays seated, intently focused on rearranging the crumbs on his plate. After your second, slightly testier request, he mutters, Fine, shoves back his chair, and shoulders a bag of trash out to the garage, where you hear him slamming the lids on the garbage cans. When you ask him whats wrong, he gives you a sullen glare and retorts, Nothing. Give it a rest. For most parents, nothing raises our hackles so quickly as for our kids to cop an attitude with us. When we see rolled eyeballs or a hoity-toity posture, were tempted to knock the attitude down a peg or two. Should we give in to that temptation? Lisa: Ah, probably not. As you and I found out in our research on For Parents Only, Shaunti, these infuriating teen attitudes are often just the outward sign of underlying, secret fears and insecurities insecurities that stand between our children and the confident adults they long to become. The big key for parents is understanding the different makeup of our sons and daughters and what their core fears and needs are. Shaunti: For example, a guy most fears being perceived as a failure, and his greatest need is to know that hes respected. Many boys are ultra sensitive to signs that they are not believed in or respected, and many parents have no idea theyre sending these signals. One guy said this: Recently I was sure I got a job at a game store, but my mom said, You cant be too confident, you know. Keep applying elsewhere, just to be safe. It made me mad that she didnt believe in me. Lisa: I doubt that mom didnt believe in her son, but thats the message he was hearing. Her simple comment was probably to protect her son, but he didnt want to be protected. He wanted to fly and to have his mom believe he could. A boy whos feeling not believed in, or disrespected, will become angry, sullen, or withdrawn. What about girls? Shaunti: While a boy gains confidence by being recognized for his external impact and accomplishments, a girls confidence comes from being loved and accepted because shes special inside. Thats why being liked is vitally important to a girl; it assuages her secret fear that others will feel theres nothing worthy in her and reject her. The big signal a girl gives to show shes feeling insecure is not sullenness and anger as with a guy but rather lippiness, mouthing off. Have you seen it? Lisa: Oh, yea! When parents especially fathers see the sarcasm or hear antagonistic comments, they easily conclude that a daughters tirade is rooted in

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disrespect or a desire to challenge authority. But often theres something deeper: a profound, internal longing for reassurance. This is when they need our affirmation most of all! A girl needs to hear how special she is; we cant assume she knows it! Shaunti: You know, God has such an amazing plan for our childrens lives. Its His will that they grow up to have successful marriages and families, and its our job to steer them toward this success. God bless you as you commit to expressing respect for your sons efforts and affirmation of your daughters uniqueness.

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