Intimacy Experiment

By Hilda Hutcherson, M.D. and Ian Kerner, PhD

D E V E L O P E D B Y T H E E X P E R T S AT

The K-Y Brand Intimacy Experiment was developed by the experts at Good in Bed. Whether youre seeking to solve a problem, learn a new technique, or simply improve your skills, youll find the information and advice you need at GoodInBed.com to take your sex life to the next level. With the support of K-Y Brand, were revolutionizing the way the people learn about sex. We know that it isnt easy

to walk into a bookstore and buy a book about intimacy, much less read one on your lunch break. Thats why all of our Good in Bed Guides offer a blush-free digital experience, brought to you by credentialed experts who are passionate about their subjects and respected in their fields. When it comes to your love life, we know we cant guarantee satisfactionthat part is up to you. But we can help. In addition to publishing our premium eBooks, Good in Bed offers a library of free content and, with the support of K-Y Brand, a respectful community in which individuals and experts can interact. You only have one love life, and we want to help you live it to the fullest. Congratulations on beginning the K-Y Brand Intimacy Experiment, and please join us at GoodInBed.com to continue your lifelong journey of love and fulfillment.

Disclaimer: This book contains advice and information relating to sexual health and interpersonal well-being. It is not intended to replace medical or psychotherapeutic advice and should be used to supplement rather than replace regular care by your doctor or mental health professional. While all efforts have been made to ensure the accuracy of the information contained in this book as of the date of publication, neither the publisher, authors, or the books sponsor are responsible for any adverse effects or consequences that may occur as a result of applying the methods suggested in this book.

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Welcome to the K-Y Brand Intimacy Experiment, brought to you by Good in Bed. Over the next 10 days, you and your partner are going to explore your relationship, both in and out of the bedroom. Your mission: to reconnect with each other and rediscover the fun, passion, and sizzle of sex through a series of exercises that will feel like anything but work. Your goal: to get closer than ever beforeand breathe steamy new life into your love life. According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, the definition of intimacy is the state of being intimate: familiarity. And if youre like most couples, youd probably describe your relationship with each other as familiarperhaps a little too much so. Sure, being comfortable is great. You can finish her sentences, love and accept his extra 10

PART I: INTRODUCTION

pounds, and know just how to satisfy each other in bed (or at least think you do). But if familiarity breeds content, it can also be challenging to your sex life. Do you leave the bathroom door ajar these days? Have flannel PJs replaced your silky negligees? Are you more likely to nod off with the remoteinstead of your partnerby your side? If you answered yes to any of these questions, youre not alone. After youve had sex with the same person over and over, its easy to fall into a routine. There are two types of sexual arousalmental and physical. In the beginning of a relationship, we have no shortage of sexy thoughts and feelings that turn us on and create a sense of sexual anticipation, but after a while the mental component can easily fade and we rely on physical stimulation. We know each others bodies and we know how to get where were going, but we may have forgotten how to appreciate

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the journey. Thats when it becomes time to introduce some new routes and paths to pleasure. On the surface, your relationship probably looks great. Youre the couple other people want to be. But between the sheets, its a different story. Where once your sex life was running on a full tank of anticipation and desire, suddenly the near empty light is flashing. You probably didnt mean for it to get this way. Maybe you were planning to stop and fill the tank, but got distracted. Or maybe you took desire for granted. Whatever the reasonswhether youre frazzled by the demands of work and parenthood, or have simply grown too lazy to make an effortsex is no longer a priority. And thats a problem. Thats why weve teamed up with K-Y Brand to bring you this guide. We believe that sex does matter. Sex and intimacy are the glue that holds an otherwise great relationship together. And real intimacy means deepening your trust and knowingness of each other, expanding the sensual landscape of the senses, and tapping and sharing your inner fantasies. No matter how dull, routine, or non-existent your sex life seems now, its never too late to reignite that spark. If your sex lifes tank is empty, this program functions as fuel. The exercises themselvesas well as the newness and novelty they providecan actually jumpstart your relationship by boosting the transmission of neuro-chemicals called dopamine and norepinephrine, which play a big role in sexual arousal. You can have the sex life youve always wantedor that you used to have, and want back. Think of this program as your way in. Every life change has a point of entry. If you really wanted to lose weight, youd go on a diet and hit the gym. If you wanted to get that new job,

youd spruce up your resume and start networking. Whatever the change you wanted to make, youd come up with a plan and youd seek results. But with your love life, its not as clear, because as a society, sex isnt something were comfortable talking about. Thats why weve come up with the plan for youits up to you to discover the results.

WHAT TO EXPECT
So what should you expect from the K-Y Brand Intimacy Experiment? Well, we cant guarantee your sexual satisfactionthats up to you. But if you commit to the process and follow the exercises in this guide, you will reconnect with your partner, improve your intimacy, jumpstart your relationship, and expand your sexual repertoire. Like most worthwhile goals, thats going to take some effort. Before you begin the program, wed like both you and your partner to make just four key commitments:

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 Follow the program as it was designed. Some exercises may appeal to you more or less than others, but its important that you follow it from begin to end, without skipping a day. We want you to experience each step as it was intended, and to learn not just what you like sexually, but what you dont like, as well. We recommend starting the program on a Saturday so that some of the more-involved activities fall on the weekend. Be open to sex. Once you get stuck in a rut, its tough to get back in the groove of having sex again regularly. Perhaps thats why some 40 million Americans say its been weeks, months, or even years since theyve had sex1. The good news? Sex begets sex. The more you have, the more you want. That said, there will probably be some points during the next 10 days when youre feeling too busy or tired for sex. Thats okayyoure only human. However, wed like you to approach each exercise with an open mind and an open heart. Rather than writing off an exercise because youve got a big meeting at work the next day or because it took you an extra hour to get the kids to bed, do what you can.

Take the time. We believe that even the busiest couple can find the time for the K-Y Brand Intimacy Experiment. Each day of the program is split into two parts: Day and Night. You can usually complete the first, daytime activity on your own and at your leisure. For the most part, these daytime exercises are individual activities that challenge you to explore an aspect of your unique sexuality (the exceptions are a few fun couples exercises that work well on weekends or days off). Then, youll reconnect at night for an intimate activity in which you share and develop that sexuality with each other, and that you can typically enjoy in the privacy of your bedroom. Please set aside an hour each night for the second exercise. Think you cant spare an hour? How much time do you spend zoning out in front of the TV or surfing the Internet? Remember, this is about prioritizing intimacy, and that means putting your relationship first. Be honest. The program isnt just about sex; its about getting closer with your partner. That means being open and honest with him or herand with yourselfabout what you do and dont like. Many of the exercises include questions to get you and your partner talking. Be as candid as possible as you share your thoughts and feelings throughout this journey. Keep a journal to do the exercises, answer questions, and take notes as you work your way through the program.

So retire those flannel jammies, put your Facebook account on hold, and set aside your secret love for reality TVat least for the next 10 days. You owe it to your relationship, and to each other. Are you ready to achieve new heights of intimacy and pleasure? Lets get started!

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Day One: Love Nest

PART II: THE PROGRAM

Ever wonder why hotel sex is hot? Of course, its partly because away from the stresses of home, in a place where, within earshot of only strangers, you can feel completely uninhibited. But were inclined to believe it also has something to with your surroundings, too. Were not just talking about the hotel rooms elegant silk drapes (or, depending on your budget, the orange shag rug), although they probably add to the ambience. Instead, it could be the lack of clutterthe absence of Mt. Laundry, or your kids or dogs toys, or that ratty comforter whose cleanliness is questionable at best. Hotels rooms also offer a sanctuary away from the stress of our daily lives: no piles of bills, unfinished novels, or family photos. If youre a man, these details may matter less to you. But for women, relaxationand a lack of concern about their surroundingsis key to pleasure. In fact, researchers in the Netherlands have found that the key to getting a woman turned on and to the heights of orgasmic bliss is a

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deep sense of relaxation and a lack of anxiety 2. They scanned the brains of 13 women and 11 men while they were manually stimulated to orgasm by their partners. The scans showed that, for women, the parts of the brain responsible for processing fear, anxiety, and emotion slowed down the more aroused they became, producing a trancelike state at orgasm. Men showed far less change in these areas of the brain. Says the studys lead researcher, Dr. Gert Holstege, What this means is that deactivation, letting go of all fear and anxiety, might be the most important thing, even necessary, to have an orgasm. The message? Women have to turn off to turn on. And one way to do that is to make your bedroom surroundings as relaxing as possible: You can de-stress and deactivate not only by de-cluttering the room, but by adding inspirationthink scented candles and sexy musicthat heightens the senses and promotes deep relaxation.

stresses of the outside world. Youll be revamping not just a physical space, but a mental one as well, where you can leave behind the outside world and focus on intimacy. On a budget? No problem. While you may need a trip or two to the store for some supplies, much of your decorating will involve repurposing what youve already got. Assess the mess. Stand in the doorway and try to see your bedroom through a strangers eyes. Go on, give it an honest appraisal. What would you think if you were about to make love to your partner in this room after seeing it for the first time? Does the ambience put you in the mood? Or does the pile of laundry in the corner make you want run screaming in the other direction? At the same time, start visualizing what would be sexy, from the lighting, to the dcor, to what youre wearing in the bedroom. Eliminate the negative. Remove that clutter! Leaving it there will only distract you from more important things, like enjoying the pleasure later tonight. Litter box, socks, piles of magazines, dead houseplants its all got to go. Now, consider whats left. Could you use some new sheets? Those with higher thread counts are softer and more durable. What about the colors in the room? Pale blues and greens are ideal for relaxing, but you should also add pops of red and pink in order to turn up the heat on your love life. Consider repainting the room, or even just altering the color palette with accent pillows, a new bedspread, or colored lights. Got that stale pile of laundry out of there? Great. Replace the rooms usual smell with fresh flowers or scented candles that have a hint of cinnamon and vanilla, which have been shown to increase arousal and attraction. Other scents that are supposed to

EXERCISE #1 (DAY)
Today, youre going spice things up by transforming your humble bedroom into a love nest. Your goal: to create a

Women have to turn off to turn on.

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private play-space thats inspiring and protected from the

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have libido-boosting qualities include frankincense, ginger, lavender, lime, orange, patchouli, and rose. Remember, you may not need to spend money on new items: You can bring in some throw pillows from the living room or a rug from your guest bedroom, for example. Dont forget to make a sexy playlist of songs that turn you on, then hook up your CD player or iPod. Gather your playthings. Now for the fun part! Get yourself a toy box, whether that means a Rubbermaid container or a carved wooden chest. Fill it with items that are strictly adults-only: massage oils and massage candles, personal lubricant (we like K-Y Brand INTRIGUE), honey dust, vibrating toys... anything that appeals to the two of you. (If you have kids, be sure to use a box with a lock and keep it out of reach.)

and vice versa? Did your mind wander, or were you focused solely on the moment? Did any issues come up with your partner that youd like to address now? Did you approach the exercise as a team? Did you learn anything about your similarities or differences in doing this exercise?

Congratulationsyouve made it through the first day of the K-Y Brand Intimacy Experiment. Tomorrow will be a brand-new challenge, but in addition to reflecting upon the questions above, think about what youd like to take with you from this exercise and make a permanent feature of your love life.

EXERCISE #2 (NIGHT)
Tonights activity is simple: Enjoy the spoils of your labor. Christen your new bedroom with a night of lovemaking. Split a bottle of champagne or sparkling cider with your love mix playing in the background, slowly undress each other, and have sex as if its the first time again. As you do, start paying closer attention to all of your senses: Kiss for the feel and taste of a kiss. Listen to each others breathing. Revel in the smell and feel of your partners skin. Use this first night as an opportunity to awaken your senses and your mind to the rest of the program. Afterward, answer the following questions in your journal: How did your bedroom seem to affect your sex life before the revamp? After? What effects did the flowers, candles, and music have on your mood? Did you notice any changes in the way you responded to your partner

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Day Two: Its Not Just About Sex

While its true that each night of the K-Y Brand Intimacy Experiment will involve some sort of sexual activity, you might be surprised to learn that the program itself isnt just about revving up your sex life. In fact, a lot of what makes great relationships thrive happens outside of the bedroom. Studies show that successful relationships tend to have a high ratio of positive to negative interactions.3 Experts believe that the ratio should be 5 to 1: five positive interactions (hugging, holding hands, having a positive conversation) for every negative one (bickering, for example). Of course, you cant go through life tallying every interaction, but you can know whether youre fundamentally in positive or negative territory and start swinging the pendulum back to where it belongs. One way to do this is to reflect on the connections you make with your partner outside of the bedroom. These connections may not be explicitly sexual, but create what we call transferable desire and contribute to lasting sexual desire and fulfilling sexual experiences. Think about it: Do you hold hands while walking through the supermarket? Lean into each other as you watch the newest, sexy vampire series?
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Cook a meal or clean up together afterward? All these little things really do add up over time. And while they may not seem sexual, they create a surplus of transferable desire that helps fuel sexual desire. Simply put, if things are going well in your relationship out of bed, youre more likely to want to get into bed together. Another trick for increasing your transferable desire is already within your reachliterally. If you want to get in touch with your partner, you need to, well, get in touch. Studies have shown that positive physical touch stimulates a brain chemical called oxytocin. Dubbed the cuddle hormone, its produced during a range of scenarios, including sexual arousal, orgasm, and childbirth.4 The result: Oxytocin helps to create a sense of emotional intimacy, relaxation, contentment, and trust. Scientists have even found that oxytocin helps relieve stress, improve mood, and lower blood pressure. Even better, you and your partner easily can boost oxytocin all day long: Studies show that just a 20-to-30second hug can raise oxytocin levels in both men and women.

EXERCISE #1 (DAY)
Today, youre going to put your new knowledge of transferable desire to work by tracking how often you and your partner interact in positive ways. Grab your journal and a pen and ask yourself the following questions. (As always, be honest. After youve both separately written down your answers to the questions in these exercises, share them with your partner. Remember, this activity isnt about feeling bad or placing blameits about identifying gaps in your relationship and brainstorming ways to fill them with more types of positive interactions): To what degree does your relationship have a reserve of transferable desire (those positive interactions, no matter how small, that occur
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outside of the bedroom), or to what extent are you stuck in a nontransferable relationship? Is it rare for you and your partner to have any sort of non-sexual physical intimacy? Are you living under the same roof but in different worlds?

Watch favorite TV shows or read the newspaper together Socialize with other people together Cultivate/participate in mutual hobbies/common interests Go on vacations together If you engage in at least half of these activities, a few times a week or

If youre in a non-transferable relationship, what are the challenges facing you to transform it into a transferable one? On the other hand, do you find yourself reacting negatively to nonsexual intimacy? Do you feel smothered? If so, why do you think you feel that way? Take a few minutes to think about these questions, and write down anything that comes to mind. Now consider the following activities: (How often do you engage in them on a weekly basis? Would your partner be likely to respond in the same way?) Hug/embrace Hold hands Kiss Say I love you Call during the day to say hi and check in Compliment each other Email each other Eat meals together Take time to really talk about each others day Do chores together Go on regular date nights

more, youre probably connected on an emotional level. If not, try to think about ways to increase the frequency of positive interactions in your daily life. Youll be surprised how easy it is once you get started. Thats the first part of todays daytime exercise. Next, were going to focus on increasing oxytocin. As you learned earlier, this cuddle hormone is produced during a variety of activities, including a simple hug. Make a point to hug each other at least three times today, for at least 30 seconds at a time. Thirty seconds may seem almost uncomfortably longat first, you may find yourselves giggling selfconsciously, making jokes, and wondering how much time has

All these little things really do add up over time.

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passed. Hang in there: It gets easier, and the results are worth it. Notice how you feel before and after each hug: More relaxed? Happier? Closer to each other?

contact. Force yourself to be completely present in the moment, despite how uncomfortable it feels. And instead of thinking about how close toor far fromorgasm you are, look into your partners eyes, and try to see the reflection of your pleasure there. A watched pot never boils, and your orgasm will most likely come when youre not trying to actively will it into happening. And when you do orgasm? Keep those eyes locked. Remaining connected at the highest heights of pleasure will send your intimacy levels through the roof. Afterwards? Youll feel that heightened intimacy and connection lingering. Hold on to thatand ask yourselves the following questions: Did you feel uncomfortable during the extended holding and gazing aspects of this exercise? Why or why not? Did sex tonight feel different than usual? Did you feel more intimate? More awkward? What steps will you take to increase your transferable intimacy?

EXERCISE #2 (NIGHT)
Tonight, youll draw on your daytime exercises to increase your sexual desire and intimacy. This activity is all about getting closer, both physically and emotionally. First, get comfortable. Why not put your new love nest to good use, light a candle or two, and curl up on a fuzzy blanket or silky sheets? Now, face each other, look deep into each others eyes, and allow yourselves to melt into a close embrace. Then, instead of pulling away, keep hugging. Lean into each other. Relax into your partners arms, erasing the space between your two bodies. Hold longer than is comfortable. And then even longer. Far longer than those 30 seconds you were struggling with throughout the day. And then, only after youve felt the tension melt out of your bodies, let go. After this, proceed to sex. But instead of closing your eyes when you kiss, nibble, or otherwise explore each others bodiesmaintain eye
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Thats all for today. Enjoy the closeness you feel and get ready for a whole new exercise tomorrow.

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Day Three: Everything Old is New Again

Remember what your relationship was like in the beginning? You were likely more affectionate, both in and out of bed, genuinely interested in learning about each other, and constantly uncovering new attributes to warm your heart or turn you on. While the first two days of this program have probably rekindled a bit of that feeling, todays exercises aim to generate an even bigger spark. Theyre based on the idea that we can spice up even the most routine of relationships with a little novelty and excitement. As you learned earlier in this guide, newness and novelty trigger the release of the potent brain chemicals dopamine and norepinephrine, both of which play a key role in sexual arousal. Novelty, mystery, and unpredictability all help foster sexual attraction, as anyone knows whos flirted with someone, or even indulged in watching pornography. But relationships require just the opposite: transparency, dependability, and trust. So how do you reconcile the two? Consider the findings from a recent study at the University of British Columbia. Researchers there
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with your feelings about your partner and what attracted you to each other in the first placein short, youre going to rediscover that sense of newness.

EXERCISE #1 (DAY)
As with yesterdays exercise, youll just need your journal, a pen, and your thoughts. First, list as many things as you can recall about your partner that turned you on when you first met. For instance, perhaps you were attracted by the fact that your partner had muscular arms, was a great cook, and had a scathing sense of humor. Now think about which of your statements is still true. There may also be a few new positive attributes you could add to the listmaybe your partner is a wonderful, attentive parent to your child or is willing to give you regular foot massages. Of course, there will probably also some negative attributes: He or she is a total slob or doesnt like to socialize with your friends, for example. Make a separate list of those negative attributes.

found that longtime couples were best able to reignite their romance by pretending they were strangers on a first date, probably because of the noveltyand neurochemical boostthat such role-playing provides. When we are first falling in love with someone, just the thought of that person makes us jittery. But later, as we move through the relationship cycle into deeper attachment, this is generally replaced by a sense of comfortthats why falling asleep reading the latest bestseller now seems just as appealing as engaging in a steamy make-out session. So youve got to re-create that sense of newness that made it so hot at the beginning. Today, youre going to work individually to get in touch

we can spice up even the most routine of relationships with a little novelty and excitement.

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would prevail over negative sentiment and those activities might be given a chance to flourishdate nights that get you out of the house and away from her piles of dirty laundry, for example, or hugs that let you revel in his strong arms. Think about how engaging in these activities would make you feel. Excited? Happy? Turned on, at least a little? If not, think about whats impeding those feelings. Make a plan to start trying out those situations in reality to see if they bring out the best in your partner.

EXERCISE #2 (NIGHT)
This evening, were going to continue fostering that sense of newness by giving date night a sexy spin. Can you remember the time you first locked eyes with her, or spotted him through the crowd? Can you remember the approach, the thrill of the chase, and the pleasure of seduction? Can you remember those heady beginning days, where Now, looking at your lists of positive and negative attributes, think about how the negatives have gotten in the way of experiencing the positives. While it would certainly be nice if our partners magically transformed themselves into our absolute ideals, chances are thats not going to happen. So try to imagine situations, for the time being, where the negative tendency or attribute might not come into play, or situations that bring out the positive. Lets say that when you and your partner go out, the fact that he or she is a slob becomes less of an obstacle to your enjoyment, since you are not in situations where he or she can be messy. Or maybe youre able to best enjoy your partner on one-on-one dates, rather than forcing him or her to hang out with your friends. When you are done, re-read your lists. Think about the activities from yesterdays exercise that create a state of transferable desire. Now create a short list of simple, achievable situations in which positive sentiment
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just a light brush of skin on skin sent lightning rushing through your body? Youre about to discover that excitement all over againby pretending to be strangers. Start by heading outseparatelyto a previously agreed-upon pickup spot, like a bar, club, or restaurant. While youre on the way, create a false identity for yourself. Think of a name, profession, place of birth. Maybe theres a particular person upon whom youd like to base your character, or perhaps a character from a favorite film or book. Just think about the bold strokes, and you can improvise from there: For example, maybe you want to go for the sophisticated look of a sexy red dress for her and a tuxedo for him. Or maybe the sexy laid back look of Venice Beach: faded jeans, cool shades, and a vintage rock and roll t-shirt? Go for the look that makes you feel sexy and not so par for the course. As you make your way to the rendezvous point, pay attention to how
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your new persona makes you feel. Sexier? More aggressive? More demure? More rough-and-tumble? Allow yourself to be swept up in this feeling. Let the anonymity of your assumed identity infuse you with a new boldness as you make eyes at your partner from across the room. Approach your partner, and offer to buy him, or her, a drink. Exchange fake names, and begin chatting. Flirt like crazy. How long has it been since you engaged in this type of clever banter? Ask each other what you do for a living, and what you enjoy doing in your spare time. Punctuate these bits of conversation with subtle forms of touch to tease each other. Slide a hand casually around her waist. Lightly brush his knee, or place a hand on his shoulder as you laugh flirtatiously. Put some effort into publicly seducing your partner. As the night draws to a close, imagine thatunless you make a movethis could be the last time you see this enchanting specimen. Invite your partner back to your place. Before you leave, notice everyone watching the two of you. Speculate over how many of them are wishing they were the one to approach you first. Allow yourselves to get into a fantasy in which youre both completely new to each other. After this exercise, consider the following: How did acting as strangers allow you to focus on your partners positive attributes? Did you have sex tonight, and did it seem different? How so? How did it feel to fall in love (and lust) all over again? What aspects of this exercise can you continue to use to spice up your relationship?

Congratulations on completing Day 3 of the K-Y Brand Intimacy Experiment. See you tomorrow, where well continue to make everything old new again.

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ways to enjoy that comfort without losing intimacy or sexual excitement. Lets start by assessing your environment and habits. Take a look at the following list. Youre probably guilty of several of these obstacles to a smokin sex lifesome may seem so routine that youre not even aware of them. Check off the items that describe your life, and feel free to add other obstacles, too: Sleep with kids or pets in your bed or bedroom Have (and use) a television, computer, or smartphone in your bedroom Spend your evenings surfing the Internet, emailing, visiting social networking sites, or playing computer games

Day Four: Outside the Comfort Zone

Weve already talked a bit about that fine line between comfort and lazinessthe difference, say, between knowing the intricacies of your partners body and knowing the intricacies of his bathroom habits. As you learned earlier, the irony of love is that sexual attraction thrives partly on novelty, newness, and mystery, while long-term relationships typically require comfort, trust, and dependability. The very closeness most of us crave has a knack for acting like a heavy, wet blanket on attraction, snuffing out the sexual spark that often brings a couple together in the first place. So while you may consider your mate to be your best friendand have no qualms about sacking out on the couch with your geek glasses on or clipping your toenails in front of himyou probably also find yourselves missing the unpredictability and mystery that defined the early days of your relationship. Its time to explore the boundaries of your comfort zone.

Bring your cell or smartphone on date nights or spend time texting or playing with your phone in your partners presence Leave the door open while in the bathroom Perform personal grooming habits (flossing your teeth, clipping your nails, etc.) in front of your partner Sometimes skip basic hygiene (bathing, brushing your teeth, shaving, etc.) because youre too tired, lazy, or think your partner doesnt care Now, review your answers. Think back to the beginning of your relationship: Which of the previous acts would you have never performed in front of your partner? Which would have made you feel embarrassed? Start brainstorming ways that you can stay comfortable in your relationship while injecting back some of the spark and mystery.

EXERCISE #2 (NIGHT)
Of course, while you may feel too comfortable in areas of your relationship, you may still feel a bit skittish in others. For many of us, one aspect thats often anything but comfortable is nudity. Even if you were
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EXERCISE #1 (DAY)
Today, were going to delve deeper into this conundrum by exploring
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quick to strip down in the past, over time, you may have become more and more self-conscious about your body...especially when unclothed. After all, gravity and aging have their way with all of us. The thing is, our partners are never as critical of our bodies as we are. And, in the heat of the moment, they could probably care less which way your breasts or buttocks are hanging. Not only that, but, the more comfortable and confident you are in your own body, the more in awe of you they become. Thats why, for tonights activity, youre going to tackle that discomfort by enjoying a clothing-optional evening. If you have kids, spare them the peep show. Send them to Grandma and Grandpas house for the evening, or let them indulge in a sleepover at a friends house. Then turn off the lights, strip down, and go about your normal business as best you can with the limited visibility. Have some candles on hand to achieve the perfect ambiance. We understand that many people arent comfortable in their own skin, so this exercise requires that you ease your way into full exposure. Starting in full darkness, pour yourselves some wine and settle down on the couch together to watch a movie or your favorite pre-recorded TV show. Be aware of the couchs fabric against the length of your bare skin, and then let your naked bodies press up again each other. Let your hands roam in the familiar way they typically do when with your partner. Run your hand along your partners leg, letting it rest comfortably on their knee. Use the pads of your fingers to lightly massage your partners neck and upper back as you enjoy your movie, your bodies an outline in the flickering lights from the television screen. More casual than erotic, use this time in the dark to begin feeling more at ease in the nude. Relax into the couch, and into each other.

By the movies end, you should feel mostly at ease. Light some candles and, as you make your way around the house, feel the air on your skin. Feel your partners eyes on your body. Drink in their bare skin just as fully. As a means of celebrating each others bodies, give each other head-totoe massages, using scented oils and rubbing your hands firmly against flesh until it glows. Afterwards, turn the lights up just a little and shower together, wiping the oils from each others bodies and then toweling each other off. Later, think about todays exercise and ask yourselves: How does your relationship differ (both positively and negatively) now from in the past? What are you comfortable doing around your partner? What does your partner do that you wish he or she wouldnt? How did you feel during tonights exercise? Nervous? Self-conscious? Excited? Turned on? A combination of these? How did sex feel tonight compared to usual?

our partners are never as critical of our bodies as we are.

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Day Five: Fun and Games

Think your sex life needs to mirror a romance novel? Think again! Dont get us wrong: Were all for sex thats passionate, romantic, and meaningful. But sometimes, you just want to let loose, be goofy, and have fun between the sheets. As you learned yesterday, too much comfort can be a roadblock to hot sex. But, as youll discover through todays exercises, being secure in your relationship can also be a benefit: Youre more likely to relax and try new things without feeling embarrassed about looking silly. Thats important, since boredom outside the bedroom may translate to boredom inside it, too. On the other hand, research suggests that novelty can help boost a couples relationship: For example, one study, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, found that couples who participate in fun, new (nonsexual) activities together enjoy higher quality relationships than those who stick to the same-old, same-old.6

EXERCISE #2 (NIGHT)
Why reserve all the novelty for the daylight? Tonight, youll continue the fun as you use an ordinary card game to spice up your sex lifeand add a little friendly competition to the mix. All you need is an average deck of playing cards, a pack of blank index cards, and two pens. Before sitting down to play, take the stack of blank index cards and split them between the two of you. Then, take your pile and, again, split it in two. On half of your index cards, write down your most sensitive body parts and hot spots: your right breast...the hollow of your neck...the backs of your knees and the insides of your thighs. On the other half, write down a method of touch that makes you weak: a closed-mouth kiss...a firm rub...even a tickle. When youre both done, put all your cards together in the center of the coffee table, with the body parts in
K-Y BRAND INTIMACY EXPERIMENT 33

EXERCISE #1 (DAY)
This daytime exercise is all about discovering new things together. Although its best tackled on a weekend or a day off, you may be able to fit in a quick date during your lunch hour or after work if time allows. Your mission is simple: Choose an activity that youve never done together before. Sing a karaoke duet, explore a local playground or childrens museum (without your kids!), take an adult-ed class and learn how to dance or do standup comedy or improv. The skys the limit, but make it playful, lighthearted, and fun. As you enjoy the excitementand perhaps nervousnessof this new activity, notice how you and your partner interact and work as a team. Remember, youre in it together!
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one pile, and the methods of touch in the other. Then, you can get down to the business of playing poker. A play on the classic five-card draw, one of you (the dealer) will pass out five cards per person. After looking at your hand, each of you will get the chance to trade in some of the cards for new ones. At this point, its time to show your cards and declare the winner. Need a refresher on what constitutes a winning hand? The very best hand is the royal flush, which is a straight flush with the Ace as the highest of five cards. The next best hand is your average straight flush: five cards of the same suit in numerical order. After that comes four of a kind, then a full house (three of a kind plus two of a kind), a flush (five cards of the same suit), a straight (five in a row, not necessarily of the same suit), three of a kind,

two pairs, one pair, and high card (with the Ace as the highest card and the 2 as the lowest). Once the winner has been established, theyll receive a prize much better than pocket change (or whatever it is you typically ante up with). Instead, theyll choose a card from the top of the body part pile, and a card bearing a method of touch. Then theyll sweetly ask the defeated one to pay up. Oh honey, would you please blow softly in my ear? Play a whole series of hands. Best out of 20 gets to ask for anything, be it a sultry striptease, or the rest of the night in bed...trying out an assortment of high-pleasure positions. Dont forget to discuss the exercises later: How did you feel during the daytime activity? Did you enjoy this outing more or less than you would have had you been alone? Did you find yourselves acting as a team or arguing? How did your card game go? Did it allow you to explore new aspects of sex that you might normally not? How did tonights encounter compare to other times youve had sex with your partner?

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Day Six: Getting Back in Touch

Sex is all about how we feel. Unfortunately, its easy to forget that those sensations shouldnt be limited only to the bedroom. And when youre not being held, hugged, caressed, or otherwise touched outside of bed, it can be tough to want to be touched at all: We cant tell you how many women (and men) complain that their partners only touch them when they want sex. Its clear that affection is good for the psyche. As you learned earlier in this program, research shows us that touching, hugging, and even massaging each other often raises levels of oxytocin, the cuddle hormone that helps us feel safe and loved. But frequent touch may even improve our physical health, too: For example, one 2008 study of 34 couples found that those who were the most physically affectionatetouching each other in loving, supportive ways throughout the day for four weekshad lower blood pressure and other markers of stress than those who were less affectionate7. Thats why todays exercises are all about getting back in touch with each other, both in and out of bed.

the cheek? Next, brainstorm the different ways you could touch your partner in a positive, loving way today. Wed like you to come up with 10 ideas. Here are some examples to get you started: Hugging (try a few 30-second hugs from Day Two of the program!) Holding hands Snuggling or cuddling while watching TV or a movie Kissing (not just hello and goodbye but just because) Playing footsie under the table at dinner Lightly touching him or her on the arm or leg while talking Offering a quick foot or neck massage at the end of the day Try to make your 10 touches a mix of nice and naughty sensations that will set the stage for tonights activity. Maybe youll grab his butt as he does the dishes, for example, or cap off one of those 30-second hugs with French kiss. Be creative.

EXERCISE #2 (NIGHT)
Many couples end up foregoing sex because theyre too tired and too tense from work. And so, they collapse into bed, roll over, and pass out,

EXERCISE #1 (DAY)
Convinced that you and your partner are plenty affectionate? Today, were going to put you to the test. First, think back to the past few days or week. Not including sex, how often did you touch each other throughout the day? How did you touch each other? Did your physical interactions include hugs, hand holding, and cuddling, or were they limited to passing the peas at dinner and a peck on

without even a nod toward intimacy. Wed like to suggest a pick-me-up that doesnt even necessitate leaving the bed...and which, more often than not, leads to full-on sex. What is this magical cure-all we speak of? The erotic massage, a sensuous indulgence that eases sore muscles, reinvigorates sleepyheads, and reawakens intimacy between couples. The best part?

You both get a turn!

Have your partner lay down on their stomach, with their arms at their side. Before even opening up the massage oil, kneel beside them, and run your hands firmly down the length of their body, all the way from the upper back down to the tips of their toes. Do this several times, and then do it again, this time with the oil. Next, start massaging your partners back. Kneeling above their head, place your palms on their upper back, facing downward, and push them all the way down to the buttocks, then out to either side and up to the shoulders. Massage the shoulders, pulling your hands up from the front to the back. Next, place your hands on the upper back with your hands palm-to-palm. Repeat the motions you previously made when your hands were palms down. Next, make small circles with your thumbs up and down the sides of the spine, and then massage the sides of the torso by simply pulling upward with your palms. Move to the legs next, sliding your hands up and down then, and then kneading them. Do the same with the arms. Massage your partners palms, and then pull lightly on their fingers. Ask your partner to roll over, and repeat the arm and leg massages from the front. Remember to include a foot massage! At this point, your partner is probably feeling better than theyve felt in forever, and is most likely willing to reward you with any number of sexual favors. But youre about to take things up a notch. Run your hands down the center of their torso, including the area between the breasts (if your partner is a woman). Knead the breasts gently, using both circular motions, and also running your fingers up and down the sides, away from the nipples and back

again. Now give your partners genitals some much-needed attention. You can also massage each others genitals while simultaneously massaging another part of the body. This will help your partner associate various parts of the body with erotic stimulation. Finally, end the massage by lightly rubbing the neck and scratching the head. Dont neglect the face. It can feel good for your partner if you rub your thumbs up and over their brows in an arcing motion. Using can also use your thumbs to make circles at the temples. Now its your turn! After all this, you may want to indulge in some slow, sensuous sex, or even curl up in each others arms and fall blissfully asleep. Either way, we guarantee youll go to bed happy. First, though, consider these questions: How many positive types of touch were you able to share with your partner today? What, if anything, prevented you from touching him or her even more? Did you enjoy the positive touch? Feel loved? Smothered? How did you feel after the erotic massage? Did you have sex?

The erotic massage, a sensuous indulgence that eases sore muscles...

K-Y BRAND INTIMACY EXPERIMENT 39

38 K-Y BRAND INTIMACY EXPERIMENT

Day Seven: Sometimes a Fantasy

You wouldnt try to drive to an unfamiliar destination without a map or GPS. So why would you try to navigate the terrain of your sexuality without a little guidance? Today, youre going to discover your own unique love map. First coined in 1980 by Dr. John Money of Johns Hopkins University, this term refers to the sexual template expressed in every individuals erotic fantasies and practices.8 In other words, our love maps represent the blueprint of our erotic desires that drives our turn-ons, turn-offs, and sexual fantasies. Your love map explains everything from why you gravitate to a particular physical type to what feeds your private fantasies and actual practices. From panty-less pop stars to Internet porn, we live in a culture that constantly bombards us with images of sex. The result: Its often hard to filter out all this external noise so that we can understand what turns us on from the inside rather than what we think ought to turn us on based on what we see outside. By understanding your unique love map, however, you can earn to perceive yourself as sexy based on who you are, not who you think youre supposed to be. Once youve determined your love map, youll use it to help chart your course to a fantasy-filled evening with your partner. unnerved by your fantasiesall of us have comfort zones in terms of how far we will let our imaginations wander. As you do these exercises, do your best to free, rather than censor, the images and thoughts that truly turn you on. First, describe your most erotically memorable experience(s). Remember, we said erotically memorable, not necessarily sexually memorable: Maybe the experience didnt actually involve sex, but instead involved hot and heavy flirting with a former acquaintance. Maybe it was a smoldering passion that was highly charged but sexually unrequited. If you feel you havent had an erotically memorable experience, focus on a time when you felt an almost overwhelming pull of desire, or even on a scene in a movie or a passage in a book turns you on. After youre done, answer the following questions: When you think about the experience, does it still turn you on? Did any part of your memorable experience feel taboo, and how did that aspect make you feel? Have you tried to incorporate these themes into your sexual
K-Y BRAND INTIMACY EXPERIMENT 41

EXERCISE #1 (DAY)
Youll need your journal and a pen for this multi-step exercise, which will help you discover your individual love map based on your erotic memories, experiences, and fantasies. Keep in mind you may feel
40 K-Y BRAND INTIMACY EXPERIMENT

experiences with other partners or your existing partner? Did you have fantasies about this particular theme before the actual erotic encounter? What was going on in your life at the time? Does fantasizing about this make you feel good or ashamed? How have your fantasies about this kind of experience evolved or changed over the years? If you had a discussion with your partner about this experience and its themes, how would he or she respond? Can you envision using these themes to create a new erotically memorable experience with your partner?

Have you ever shared your fantasy with your partner? Do you use this fantasy to arouse you during masturbation and prior to or during sex with your partner? Where do you think the specific power of this fantasy comes from? How has this fantasy changed over time? Does your fantasy trouble you in any way? Is your fantasy something you would like to play out in reality? If so, what changes would you need to make in order to stay within your comfort zone? All these memories, fantasies, turn-ons, and turn-offs make up the

Erotic memories are internal turn-ons. Next, its time to pay extra attention to your external turn-ons: Maybe its the scent of a particular perfume or cologne, or the sound of a violent thunderstorm, or the sight of women in short skirts. Also consider what acts like a short circuit to your libido: arrogance, perhaps, or bad jokes, or goatees. Make a list of 5 to 10 things that turn you on and another 5 to 10 things that turn you off. Finally, its time to think about your fantasies. Most people have at least one or more recurring fantasies that consistently turn them on. Your favorite fantasy may stem from the erotic memory you described earlier. Or maybe its rooted in a scenario involving a specific theme, such as being tied up, being watched, or having an anonymous encounter with a stranger. In fact, your fantasy may have no clear link to reality. In your journal, consider the following questions: Describe your favorite or most recurring sexual fantasy. What are the elements of the fantasy that particularly arouse you, the ones you replay over and over?
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landscape of your own unique love map. Tonight, youre both going to use these maps to further explore uncharted territory as you share your fantasies with each other.

EXERCISE #2 (NIGHT)
Now its time to share those erotic memories and fantasies with each other and use them to inspire new ways add some variety to your bedroom repertoire. This exercise is similar to the

Erotic memories are internal turn-ons.

game Two Truths and a Lie, in which players

K-Y BRAND INTIMACY EXPERIMENT 43

present to a group of people two true things theyve done in the past, plus one outrageous lie. Of course, in this case, youre only sharing with your partner. And youll be sharing only one fantasy, and mixing in two youve never even thought about. The point here, of course, is to be more open about your sexual desires, and to come up with new ideas for spicing things up in the bedroom. So, once you reveal your truth, take the time to discuss what intrigues you about that fantasy. Touch upon any concerns your partner has about introducing it into your sex play and, if you or your partner is dead set against trying something, dont push the issue. The important thing is that youve opened up a dialogue. If you find yourself feeling too shy or uncomfortable to bring up your fantasy directly, try easing yourselves into it with a little help from your DVD player. Enjoy a movie night, using a selection of racy films: Shop for titles together, or each bring something that intrigues you. Settle in for the evening, and press play. Observe what turns you on...and what turns you off. Keep an eye out for new positions that might be worth trying later on. And even pay attention to plot. While pornography is known for its flimsy plot lines, it can often provide new ideas for erotic role playing. Discuss your observations between viewings. Or lose yourself in the moment and comment on the goings-on on-screen as the film is rolling, letting your partner know when something is making you hot. These comments may develop into a sort of dirty talk and, eventually, the films bow-chik-a-bow-bow may be background music to your own on-thecouch action. Another alternative? Enjoy a sexy bedtime story by taking turns reading

to each other from a collection of erotica. If youre feeling particularly motivated, write up your own erotica, using your personal sexual fantasies to fuel the plotlines. When you feel ready, read your work aloud to your lover. Its a great way to open up to your partner about the things youve been itching to try. Later, answer these questions in your journal: How did you feel about sharing your fantasies with your partner? How did he or she react to your fantasy? Do you plan on incorporating elements of your fantasy into your sex life? Did you have sex tonight? Did it seem different from earlier nights?

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Day Eight: In Good Taste

We dont care what your gender is: A surefire way to anyones heart is through their stomach. This week, wed like you to cook an aphrodisiacheavy meal together. And then, for dessert...enjoy each other! Although there isnt a whole lot of scientific evidence to suggest that certain foodslike oysters and chocolatereally work as aphrodisiacs, in many cases, they have health benefits, and also taste pretty darn good, too. Whenever you eat for your overall health, your sexual health is affected as well. Also, cooking and eating together can be sensual and sexy regardless of the existing (or non-existing) aphrodisiacal effects, and these activities can also be a great way to bond as a couple. Case in point? In a recent survey of 1,500 couples, nearly 83 percent of those who said they cook together at least three times a week rate their relationship as excellent, compared to just 26 percent who said they rarely or never do9. A little sizzle in the kitchen may even translate to the

bedroom: The same survey found that 58 percent of couples who often cook together are satisfied with their sex lives, compared to a third of those who dont. Simply put, the more you share outside the bedroom, the more youll want to share beneath the sheets.

EXERCISE #1 (DAY)
Cooking together can be fun even without the promise of sex. The joint effort, the delicious smells, and the libido-boosting foods are a reward in themselves. That being said, consider this foreplay. Search your favorite cookbooks and online foodie sites for the perfect recipes, letting the food photos get you excited. Hit up the market together and whip up your fantastic meal, then unwind while you eat, using good food and good conversation to seduce each other. First on the menu: an oyster dish, with plenty of spices. Oysters contain zinc, which has been linked to male fertility, potency, and sex drive. Your daily requirement for zinc can be had with just one oyster, so an entire plateful should work wonders. (If you dont like oysters, turkey and beans also contain decent amounts of zinc, though they might not seem so sexy.) As for the spices, most of them have the ability to raise your heart rate, and release endorphins. Pair that with a side dish of asparagus. This veggie contains folates, which boost the histamine production necessary for the ability to reach orgasm. Finally, you can top all of that off with a glass of red wine or champagne, healthy in moderation, and also pretty helpful when it comes to lowering inhibitions. And enjoy a small piece of dark chocolate, which triggers the release of phenylethylamine, leading to feelings of excitement that are conducive to sex.

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K-Y BRAND INTIMACY EXPERIMENT 47

EXERCISE #2 (NIGHT)
We hope you saved some room for desserttonight, its on you! When it comes to sex, intercourse doesnt always have to be the main event. Many women, in fact, have trouble achieving an orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone, so it can be a major bonus to focus on whats typically considered foreplay. Were talking, of course, about a simple, wellplaced kiss (or several). And kissing doesnt just feel good: According to some research, it may actually a way of tasting your partners pheromonesthe chemical sexual attractants we release naturallyto determine if they are sexually compatible with you10. Get comfortable, then take turns kissing each other from head to toe. Make note of which kissesand wherebring about the highest levels of arousal. A soft kiss on your partners lips? A brush of your lips against your partners neck or ear? A loving smooch on each nipple, lingering kisses between the thighs, or a shower of kisses that start at the torso and travel all the way down to the genitals? Take care to turn each other on with your lips alone, leaving full-on fondling and intercourse for later. Want to make this exercise a little sweeter? Try bringing some flavors from the kitchen into the bedroom. It can very sensual to experiment with items like whipped crme, or a flavored body product like K-Y YOURS+MINE KISSABLE SENSATIONS for the Body, which was found in a clinical study to increase anticipation and desire for intimacy. Use it to explore one anothers bodies and have fun spreading the silky chocolate- and strawberry-flavored liquid on your partners most sensual spotsthen kiss and lick it off. Bon apptit!

Once youve digested todays activities, ask yourself: Did you enjoy cooking together? Was it fun, comforting, irritating? Will you do this together again? Did you notice any aphrodisiac effects from your meal, either real or imagined? How did you enjoy tonights foreplay activity? Did it lead to oral sex or intercourse?

58 percent of couples who often cook together are satisfied with their sex lives

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Day Nine: Dangerous Liaisons

After youve had sex with the same person at least a thousand times its easy to fall into a routine. For many of us, the most exciting part of a relationship is at the beginning, when were falling in love. Its a time filled with newness and possibility, hot and heavy flirtation, and even hotter and heavier sex. But, after being with someone for a while, things can understandably get boring. You stop trying as hard. Youd sooner reach for that remote and a pint of chocolate chip ice cream than reach for your partner. Quite simply, the thrill is gone. Thats why todays exercises are all about putting a little risk, excitement, and unpredictability back into your sex life. One way to do that? Take a walk on the wild side. Research suggests that a little danger can boost sexual attraction: In one experiment, an attractive young woman stood in the middle of a tall suspension bridge. Every time an unaccompanied man ventured across the shaky bridge, she would ask him to participate in a brief survey. The next day, she repeated the task on a shorter, sturdy bridge. On both days, she gave the men her phone number and invited them to call her later for the results. Not only did the researchers find that the men on the shaky bridge were more likely than their stable-bridge counterparts to call the woman later for results of the survey, but they were also far more likely to ask her for a date!
11

state. So if you want to recapture those heart-pounding early days of sex with your partner, it helps to get your adrenaline racing outside the bedroom first.

EXERCISE #1 (DAY)
Today, were going to ask you to get out there and shake things up. (Because this exercise can take time, planning, andin some cases money, its best reserved for a weekend.) The idea is simple: Think of an activity that will be fresh and exciting for both of youand maybe even a little bit scary. The goal is to think outside the box and throw yourselves into new experiences that get your blood flowing, your hearts pounding, and your adrenaline pumping. Whether you cant wait to dive right in or wading in the shallow end of the pool is more your speed, here are some ideas to get you started:

In fact, when it comes to desire and attraction, a little unpredictability goes a long way. It spikes the brains natural amphetamines, dopamine and norepinephrine, which play a big role in sexual arousal. Thats the idea that lingering excitement from one situationsay, walking across a shaky bridge versus a stable onecan intensify a subsequent emotional

50 K-Y BRAND INTIMACY EXPERIMENT

K-Y BRAND INTIMACY EXPERIMENT 51

 White water rafting Hang gliding Sky diving Bungee jumping Go-kart racing Jet skiing or snow skiing Kayaking Indoor rock climbing Hiking Rollerblading Ice skating Playing paintball or laser tag Horseback riding Visiting an amusement park Were sure youll be inspired to come up with some other options on your own. And, after youve put your lives in each others hands and lived to tell the tale, youll want to celebrate your continued existence with tonights high-octane romp in the bedroom.

scary movie together. (Stick with thrillers and save the slasher flicks for another timeremember, this is supposed to put you in the mood!) When the movie ends, engage each other in a playful game of hide-andseek in the dark, but raise the stakes: If you get caught, you must submit to your partners wishes. Or try introducing a little sensory deprivation into your routine: Place a blindfold or sleep mask over your partners eyes and keep them guessing. Not only will they be unable to control the pace of the sex play, or the spots you choose to touch, but theyll be unable to see any of it coming. Plus, any time you take away one sense, the otherslike touchintensify. Guys, you can boost the drama for your partner even more by incorporating a product like K-Y Brand INTENSE Female Arousal Gel into this exercise. Consumer studies show that 75% of women who used INTENSE report heightened arousal, sexual pleasure, and sensitivity. Keep her blindfolded as you massage a few drops of gel around her clitorisand watch her excitement build even higher. Not only will her body respond to heighten the experience, and her pleasure, but youll enjoy it too. In those same consumer studies, 90% of women reported that K-Y INTENSE improved the overall intimate experience with their partner. After tonights activity consider the following questions in your journal:

EXERCISE #2 (NIGHT)
Tonight, youre going to keep your adrenaline pumping with some activities that more clearly make the connection between unpredictability, risk, and hot sex. What you do, of course, depends on your comfort level. While some couples might enjoy experimenting with handcuffs or other restraints, that might be too racy for others. We like the idea of a little sexy hide-and-seek: Turn off all the lights and watch a
52 K-Y BRAND INTIMACY EXPERIMENT

How did you feel during todays first exercise? Were you scared? Excited? Turned on? Did you notice a connection between excitement outside and inside of the bedroom? Did you have sex tonight? If so, how was it?

K-Y BRAND INTIMACY EXPERIMENT 53

Day Ten: Putting It All Together

As we reach the end of the K-Y Brand Intimacy Experiment, its time to reflect back on what youve learned during the past 10 days. Start by reviewing your journal and taking stock of the new tools youve gained for increasing intimacy with your partner. Now, youre going to show what you know by putting it all together. Its a final exam of sortsbut you both win big. Heres an idea of how you can incorporate your new techniques into your day. Remember, this is just an example to get you thinking. You canand shouldbrainstorm the best ways to work these intimacy boosters into your own schedule. Kick the day off right with a 30-second hug to trigger oxytocin (remember, thats the cuddle hormone). Depending on your schedule, this could be during breakfast, as youre getting ready, or even as soon as your alarm clock rings. Add a little mystery back into your love life as you get ready for workclose that bathroom door! Then send your partner off to work with some warm, friendly touching: Maybe its another hug, a kiss, a hand squeeze, a butt grabwhatever shows your partner that you care. Dont let the whole day go by without tending to your relationship. Send a quick email, instant message, or text to let your partner know youre thinking of him or her. You might even make it a suggestive email that hints at your plans for later (just dont use your work email!). Greet your partner after a long day with another 30-second hug. This evening, plan a date that includes one or more of your favorite
54 K-Y BRAND INTIMACY EXPERIMENT

activities from the past 10 days. Maybe youll visit a new restaurant or museum together, hit the local rock-climbing wall or tennis court, or snuggle up on the couch together and enjoy a movie. Take your partners attributes into consideration: What activities bring out the best in him or the worst in her? By now, you should be feeling closer than ever. So its time to open your toy box, hit the sheets, and celebrate the culmination of the K-Y Brand Intimacy Experiment with a little intimate exploration of your own. Dont forget to write in your journal later: How did you do at incorporating the various aspects of the Experiment into your day? Which were easiest to rememberand easiest to forget? What changes have you noticed in your relationship over the course of the program? How has your sex life changed? Which activities are you most likely to make a habit? How do you see the future of your relationship?
K-Y BRAND INTIMACY EXPERIMENT 55

CONCLUSION
Congratulations! Youve completed the K-Y Brand Intimacy Experiment. If youve made it this far, we assume youve opted to make sex and, by extension, your relationship a greater priority in your life. Its our hope that the assignments in this program have reinvigorated your love life, leading you and your partner to fall in love all over again with each other, and with the intimacy that can be found in each others arms, in each others scent, and in the touch of skin on skin. By delving into the emotional aspects of your relationship, youve improved your sexual connection, too. And by tapping into your fantasies and flexing your biggest sexual organthe brainyouve experienced a closeness youve only dreamed about before, and become more open with each other about what makes you feel good. But the K-Y Brand Intimacy Experiment doesnt have end here. We hope youll return to the exercises and activities youve enjoyed, to keep things spicy, to keep your love life fun, and to build on the intimacy youve already established. And remember to enjoy regular date nights, as well as plenty of 30-second hugs! To turn the experiment into a lifetime reality, join us at Good in Bed, where our experts are committed to helping you live your love life to the fullest.

Intimacy Ex p e r i m e n t
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Dr. Hilda Hutcherson, M.D., is the Director of the Center for Sexual Health and a Clinical Professor of Obstetrics and Gynecology at Columbia University. She received her undergraduate degree from Stanford University and medical degree from Harvard Medical School. She is a frequent contributor for national outlets including NBCs TODAY, Rachael Ray, Dr Oz, Essence, Cosmopolitan, and Redbook, where she writes a monthly sex health column.
Endnotes 1 Goldman, Leslie. Surprising reasons youre not having sex. CNN.com, February 12, 2008. 2 Le Page, Michael. Orgasms: a real turn-off for women. NewScientist.com, June 20, 2005. (Findings presented by Gert Holstege at the annual meeting of the European Society for Human Reproduction and Development, June 2005). 3 Gottman, John: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Simon & Schuster; Original edition (June 1, 1995) 4 Brizendine, Dr. Louise: The Female Brain. www.transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0608/15/ltm.05.html 5 Dunn EW, et al. Misunderstanding the affective consequences of everyday social interactions: the hidden benefits of putting one's best face forward. J Pers Soc Psychol. 2007 Jun;92(6):990-1005. 6 Aron A, et al. Couples shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. J Pers Soc Psychol. 2000 Feb;78(2):273-84. 7 Holt-Lunstad J, et al. Influence of a "Warm Touch" Support Enhancement Intervention Among Married Couples on Ambulatory Blood Pressure, Oxytocin, Alpha Amylase, and Cortisol. Psychosomatic Medicine 70:976-985 (2008). 8 Money, John (1986). Love Maps - Clinical Concepts of Sexual/Erotic Health and Pathology, Paraphilia, and Gender Transpostition in Childhood, Adolescence, and Maturity. New York: Prometheus Books. 9 Kenmore PRO Couples Who Cook survey, conducted by Impulse Research Corporation; August 2006. 10 Walter, Chip, Affairs of the Lips: Why We Kiss http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=affairs-of-the-lips-why-wekiss 11 Aron A, Dutton P. Some evidence for heightened sexual attraction under conditions of high anxiety. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 30(4):510-7. (1974).

A contributor to several national publications, she is also the author of three best-selling books: Having Your Baby: A Guide for African American Women, What Your Mother Never Told You About Sex and Pleasure: A Womans Guide to Getting the Sex You Want Need and Deserve. She was recently named by Black Enterprise as one of Americas Leading Physicians, one of the Top Doctors in New York in the Castle Connolly Guide, and is included in the Best Doctors in America database.

Ian Kerner, PhD, is a sex therapist and NY Times best-selling author of books including She Comes First, He Comes Next and Be Honest, Youre Not that into Him Either, which have been translated into more than a dozen languages and have sold more than 500,000 copies in the US alone. Known for combining clinical insight with humor and personal warmth, Ian is a frequent guest on NBCs TODAY Show, a Contributing Editor to Cosmopolitan Magazine, and CNNs Sex Expert (for which his weekly web-stories are often the most popular of the day). An active member of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists, Ian often addresses issues that are common to the "American bedroom" but nonetheless lead to lives of quiet desperation. He is also the founder of Good in Bed, a new web destination for sex/relationship advice and brings together some of the worlds most renown sex experts. He was born and raised in NYC, where he lives with his wife, sons and toddler pit-bull. For more about Ian, please visit iankerner.com or goodinbed.com.

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