-1-

WOMEN ARE COMPLEX CREATURES If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman If you don't, you are not a man If you praise her, she thinks you are lying If you don't, you are good for nothing If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp If you don't, you are not understanding If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy If you don't, you are a dull boy If you are jealous, she says it's bad If you don't, she thinks you do not love her If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her If you don't, she thinks you do not like her If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait If she is late, she says that's a girl's way If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time" If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls" If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring If you talk, she wants you to listen If you listen, she wants you to talk In short: So simple, yet so complex So weak, yet so powerful So confusing, yet so desirable So damning, yet so wonderful... ..WOMEN! Why men Prefer Computers Over Women ?!? * Computers have a HELP button when you get confused.

* When you get tired of a computer, you can shut it off. * You can get upgrades. * Upgrades, without going to a plastic surgeon! * Cheap and fast are good attributes in a computer! * A computer doesnt get mad if you play with someone elses computer. * It takes a just a couple of seconds to turn one on. * Finally, .... Booting is not a punishable offence!!! Chemical Analysis Of Women Chemical Analysis Element: Woman Symbol: WO Discoverer: Adam Quantitative Analysis: Accepted at 36 - 28 - 36, though isotopes ranging from 25 -10 - 20 to 60 - 55 - 60 have been identified. Occurrence: Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas. Physical Properties: Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps/cries) at absolutely nothing, and freezes at a moments notice. Totally unpredictable. Melts when properly treated, very bitter if not well used. Found in various states. Non-magnetic but attracted by coins and sports cars. In its natural shape the specimen varies considerably, but it is often changed artificially so well that the change is indiscernible except to the experienced eye. Chemical Properties: Has a great affinity for AU (gold), AG(silver), and C in the crystalline form (Diamonds). May give violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated with various reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH (Ethanol - Alcohol) and sexy aftershave lotions. An essential catalyst is often required (must say you love her at least five times daily). Reaction accelerates out of control

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when in the dark and all reaction conditions are suitable. Extremely difficult to react if in the highly stable pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct points. The reaction is highly exothermic. Storage: Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25 years. Uses: Highly ornamental. Used as a tonic for low spirits. Tests: Pure specimens turn bright green if placed besides a better specimen. Caution: Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and ego). Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great care if experiments are to succeed. It is illegal to possess more then one permanent specimen, though a certain amount of exchange is permitted. Marriage I believe all married men know this.Some who are not married should be aware !!

Marriage teaches you loyalty, patience, understanding,

perseverance, and a lot of other things you wouldn't need if you'd stayed single! I like the story of the woman who had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with jewels. Her explanation: "If I die and my husband remarries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels." Marriage is a gamble. You start with a pair. He shows a diamond. She shows a heart. Her father has a club. His father has a spade. There's usually a joker around somewhere, but after a while he becomes a king and she becomes a queen. Then they end up with a full house. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

 At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you

wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man." Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it." The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?" When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late. A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes. When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it." It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

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A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband

wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife. A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes. A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multimillionaire". I married a widow with a grown daughter. My father fell in love with my stepdaughter and married her thus becoming my son in law and my stepdaughter became my mother as she was my fathers wife. My wife gave birth to a son who was my fathers brother in law and also my uncle for he was the brother of my step mother. My fathers wife became the mother of a son who was ofcourse my brother and also my grandchild for he was the son of my stepdaughter. Accordingly my wife was my grandmother because she was my mothers mother. I was my wifes husband and grand child at the same time. And as the husband of a persons grandmother His Grandfather I am my own Grand Father. Mark Twain

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's

Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness
was until I got married.... and then it was too late!"

WAYS of WOMEN !!!!

Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a

need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch. Women think all beer is the same. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

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Women are paid less than men, except for one field:

Modeling. Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there in the Bible". Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple? Women do not know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?" The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?' "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in womanlanguage than it does in man-language. All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then

they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, "Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!"

Top Ten Reasons Why The Computer Industry Is Finally

Opening Up To Women 1. It's easier for a woman to "turn on" a computer 2. Women don't have motherboard fixations. 3. Women are much better at FDISK-ing a hard drive 4. When lost on the Internet, women are willing to ask for directions. 5. Women can communicate gossip and rumors quicker than the fastest modem. 6. Only women (I think) can marry Bill Gates. 7. Women see a 14 inch monitor they think it's a 14 incher and not a20. 8. Women have bigger SMART drives. 9. Women don't think with their joysticks. 10.Women actually read installation manuals. MEN AND WOMEN DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN One basic truth: Men and women are different.

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Now, this may seem a little simplistic, but the fact is, for a period of about six months in 1973, it was very fashionable to believe that we were all persons first, and members of our gender second. This, of course, was so much hooey. We are different -- in our habits, and in the way we react to environmental stimuli and the way we spend our leisure time; and we are especially different when it comes to our attitudes regarding relationships. My personal observations have uncovered many significant differences between men and women. RELATIONSHIPS First of all, a man does not call a relationship. He refers to it as a romance, or a period of dating, of going out, or, in some unfortunate circumstances, "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semiregular basis." When a relationship ends, a woman will cry, and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men are Morons." Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. For six months, his ex may not hear from him, but then, at three on Saturday night/Sunday morning, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total bitch. But I want to let you know there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call. Ninety-nine percent of all men past the age of 21 have made this call at least once. Some men make a career of these calls. There are community colleges that offer extension courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective. SEX Women prefer 30 to 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 to 45

seconds of foreplay, less if at all possible. For the man, driving back to her place is considered a part of foreplay. MATURITY Women mature at a much faster rate than men. Most 17 year old females can function as adults. Most 17 year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work. HATS Women look good in hats; men look like idiots. GROCERIES A woman knows how to shop for groceries. She makes a list of the things she needs, and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man does not shop on a frequent basis. He waits until the only items left in his refrigerator are an opened can of Schlitz and a half a lime. Then he goes grocery shopping. A man buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on the Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10 items or less lane. MAGAZINES Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautifulwork of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should no be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Naked men elicit laughter from women. HANDWRITING To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just

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chickenscratch. Women use scented, colored stationary, and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note. COMEDY Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out. BATHROOMS A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical American women's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. Most men take only 2-3 minutes to relieve themselves. Women's Restrooms always have long lines. GOING OUT When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready, as soon as she finds her other earring, makes one phone call and finishes putting on her makeup. CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. SHOES When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Monde wool suit, and then slip in Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress

shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day. LEG WARMERS Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in A Chorus Line. MIRRORS Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface, mirrors, spoons, store window, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head. MENOPAUSE When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction --- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche. THE TELEPHONE Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and hopes and dreams. LOW BLOWS Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television.

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One of the figures is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels the pain. DIRECTIONS If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks love I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store." ADMITTING MISTAKES Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer. RICHARD GERE Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals. NICKNAMES With the exception of female body builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dirk, Clint, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to one another as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, PeanutBrain, and Useless. TOYS

Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate. PLANTS A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens. MOUSTACHES Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who lookgood with mustaches. DAVID LETTERMAN Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semidorky guy who always has a bad haircut. CAMERAS Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better pictures. LOCKER ROOMS In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women, They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and

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they never lie. LAUNDRY Women do the laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were really hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatsuit inside out, rent a UHaul and take his mountain of dirty clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat, but this is only a myth perpetuated by old reruns of Love American Style. POLITICS Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedy's is growing up and getting into politics because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night. WEDDINGS When reminiscing about weddings women talk about "the ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party." CHEERLEADERS Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all American. cheerleaders are scary. Male

SOCKS Men are sensible about socks. They wear argyle socks or standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks with pictures of clouds on them. Socks that are cut way below their ankles. socks that have little fuzzy balls on the back. GARAGES Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and

they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages. MOVIES For women their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in Gone With the Wind. For men it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves grapefruit in may Clark's face in Public Enemy. NUDITY IN MOVIES Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. JEWELRY Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic. THE MOST IMPORTANT DIFFERENCE OF ALL Colored underwear. Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored underwear. There is no reason for a man to ever, ever, wear anything besides solid white. The Last Things Any WOMAN Would Ever Say: Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way. Hey, get a whiff of that one. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute. This diamond is way too big!

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I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow. Wow, it really is 14 inches! Does this make my butt look too small? I'm wrong, you must be right again. before marrige -------------takdir hai magar kismat nahi khulti tajmahal banana chahata hoon lekin mumtaz nahi milti after marriage --------------takdir hai magar kismat nahi khulti tajmahal banana chahata hoon lekin mumtaz nahi marti 50 rules for men to live with women successfully... 1. Call. 2. Don't lie. 3. Never tape any of her body parts together. 4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls. 5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting. 6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes." 7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?" 8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad. 9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad. 10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad. 11. "Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag," "Lardass,"and"Bitch" are bad. 12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony. 13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.

14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed. 15. Her cooking is excellent. 16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking. 17. Dishsoap is your friend. 18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean. 19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay. 20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation. 21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?" 22. Two words: clean socks. 23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk. 24. Burping is not sexy. 25. You're wrong. 26. You're sorry. 27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is. 28. Ditto for your discourse on wrestling. 29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound. 30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad. 31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood. 32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist. 33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in ime, and it could change without notice. 34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue. 35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm. 36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive. 37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it. 38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you. 39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.

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40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often. 41. Always, always suck up to her brother. 42. Think boxers. 43. Silk boxers. 44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she sonames. 45. Don't try to change the way she dresses. 46. Her haircut is never bad. 47. Don't let your friends pick on her. 48. Call... and call again. 49. Don't lie. 50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go thru labor while you are sitting on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything else out. The ten most common excuses women use to reject a man and what they REALLY mean. 10. I think of you as a brother. (you remind of that inbred banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance') 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer) 8. I'm not attracted to you 'that' way. (you are the ugliest dork I've ever laid my eyes on) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I'm waiting for a rich sugar daddy) 6. I've got a boyfriend. (I've got batteries) 5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, Bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building) 4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you) 2. I'm celibate. (One look at you and I'm ready to swear off men altogether) And the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with)

A MAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING: CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS? There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine again. I JUST NEED SOME SPACE Without you in it.... DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS? We haven't had a fight in a while. NO, PIZZA'S FINE You cheap slob! I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW I just don't want you as a boyfriend now I DON'T KNOW; WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? I can't believe you have nothing planned. COME HERE Hee hee....my puppy does that too.... I LIKE YOU, BUT... I don't like you. YOU NEVER LISTEN You never listen.

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WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend. I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will. OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF I'm just being nice; there is no way I'm going Dutch. I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING: I'M HUNGRY I'm hungry. I'M SLEEPY I'm sleepy. I'M TIRED I'm tired. I'VE GOT TO PEE Get out of the way. I'VE GOT TO GO Get out of the way and stay away until it clears. CAN I CALL YOU SOMETIME?

I'd eventually like to have sex with you. DO YOU WANT TO GO TO A MOVIE? I'd eventually like to have sex with you. CAN I TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER? I'd eventually like to have sex wityou. CAN I GET YOUR COAT? I'd eventually like to have sex with you. LET ME GET YOUR DOOR I'd eventually like to have sex with you. MAY I HAVE THIS DANCE? I'd eventually like to have sex with you. YOU LOOK TENSE, LET ME GIVE YOU A MASSAGE I want to fondle you. WHAT'S WRONG? I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this. WHAT'S WRONG? What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? WHAT'S WRONG? I guess sex tonight is out of the question. I'M BORED Do you want to have sex? I LOVE YOU

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Let's have sex now! I LOVE YOU TOO OK, I said it. We'd better have sex now! GOOD MORNING That was great sex. Let's have more! SEE YOU LATER That was great sex. Let's do it again sometime! YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR I liked it better before. YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR $50 and it doesn't look that much different! YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR For $50 they should have GIVEN you hair! YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR You cut your hair? LET'S TALK I'm trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me. WILL YOU MARRY ME? I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks. WILL YOU MARRY ME? I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. WHILE SHOPPING:

YES, THAT ONE'S NICE Why do you ask when you aren't going to listen anyway? THAT ONE LOOKS GREAT ON YOU Pick any freaking' dress and let's go home! I LIKE THAT ONE BETTER Pick any freaking' dress and let's go home! UH HUH Pick any freaking' dress and let's go home! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home! I DON'T THINK THAT BLOUSE AND THAT SKIRT GO WELL TOGETHER I'm gay! IT MAKES YOU LOOK FAT I am incredibly stupid! Tips for a perfect weekend?! HER PERFECT DAY: 8.45 Wake up to hugs and kisses 9.00 Five pounds lighter on the scale 9.30 Light breakfast 11.00 Sunbathe 12.30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe 1.45 Shopping 2.30 Run into boyfriend's or husband's ex and find she's put on thirty pounds 3.00 Facial, massage and nap 7.30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing

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10.00 Make love 11.30 Pillow talk and fall asleep in his big, strong arms Some Relationships ... smart man + smart woman smart man + dumb woman dumb man + smart woman dumb man + dumb woman = romance = pregnancy = affair = marriage

smart boss + smart employee = profit smart boss + dumb employee = production dumb boss + smart employee = promotion dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime Men vs. Women - From: Marta Osinski A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," lets her. A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, gets mad. A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she gets mad, says, "Now what are you mad about?" A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, and she gets mad, and he says, "Now what are you mad about?" says, "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you."

A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she gets mad, and he says, "Now what are you mad about?", and she says, "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you", whines "How can I know what the problem is if you don't tell me?" A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, and she gets mad, and he says, "Now what are you mad about?" and she says, "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you", and he whines "How can I know what the problem is if you don't tell me?", says "OK, let's talk about it". A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she gets mad, and he says, "Now what are you mad about?", and she says, "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you", and he whines "How can I know what the problem is if you don't tell me?" and she says "OK, let's talk about it", turns on the television and watches cartoons. The Answer is No Question: Can men ever win? If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy. If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive

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bastard. If you thump her, it's wife bashing. If she thumps you, it's self defense. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're a fag. If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.

9 Types of Boyfriends Joe Sensitive: "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?" Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts; Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy Old Man Grumpus: "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV." Also known as: Grumbles, Sour-puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey,

Slow Mover, Jerk Advantages: Stays put, predictable; Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass Flinchy: "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did." Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled; Disadvantages: Easily spooked, surrenders without a struggle Bigfoot: "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'." Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb Advantages: Can tote bales, is easily fooled; Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig Lazybones: "Zzzzzz" Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict Advantages: Well rested, easy target; Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams The Sneak: "Who, me?" Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt; Disadvantages: May be having time of his life Ace of Hearts: "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?" Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster Advantages: Perpetually aroused; Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused The Dreamer: "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--" Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool Advantages: Tells good stories; Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man

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Grumpus" Mr. Right: "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazedweasels in my new yacht, ok?" Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer; Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction Women are Evil Dr. Mellow's Guide to Women Women, by nature, are evil. It is only when we understand this simple concept that men can ever hope to understand women. Hopefully, with these guidelines, men will have a better understanding of the mysterious ways of womankind. The first thing one must remember about a woman is that she knows everything. This is without exception. To go as far as say that a woman knows what you are thinking is not unrealistic. If, at any point of time, you are unsure of what you are thinking, one of the best ways to find out is to ask the nearest woman. But, unfortunately, there is a drawback to asking a woman such a question. This drawback is that she, in all probability, will answer. And once a woman starts talking, it is very rare that she will ever stop. I believe this has something to do with the way that women think. Women believe that as long as they are talking, people listen to her. Of course, listening to a woman talk can be very tedious at times. It is OK not to listen to her as long as you nod your head in agreement and say Uh-huh every now and then. This makes the woman think you are listening and therefore she is happy. Happiness is a good thing in a woman. If a woman is not happy, all hell breaks loose. In order to help a woman keep a state of happiness, one should buy her gifts for various reasons. These reasons include the 1 month anniversary, the 1 year anniversary, Presidents Day, and any day whose date is a multiple of one. These gifts could be in the conventional form of flowers and candy, or for greater happiness, cars and real estate. Often, when a woman says something, it is not what she means. But, other times, she says exactly what she means. It is only possible to distinguish these two cases if you are a woman. Since women already

know the nature of women, this is of no use to them. For men, we can only hope to distinguish the difference, for a mistake in judgment can result in death. Women know what men want. This is very strange, because even as sometimes men don't know what they are thinking, men usually don't know what they want. However, I must observe that it seems that what men want for the most part is women. This is unfortunate, for women know this fact and know that it is possible for them to do almost anything and this fact will not change. Women have a very delicate nature. It is virtually impossible to keep one happy all of the time. It is totally impossible to know what one is thinking or feeling. And it is also impossible for us men, knowing how evil they are, not to love them. Women. You can't live with em. And, you can't live with em. 9 Types of Girlfriends Ms. Nice Gal: "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have" Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly; Disadvantages: May wise up someday Old Yeller: "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??" Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell Advantages: Pays attention to you; Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans Sickly: "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite" Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy Advantages: Predictable; Disadvantages: Contagious The Bosser: "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look." Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and

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Chain, yes Mom Advantages: Often right; Disadvantages: Often right, but so what? Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied: "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, or hair color?" Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey Advantages: Easily soothed; Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed Wild Woman out of Control: "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun." Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys; Disadvantages: Unreliable, drives off cliffs Huffy: "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at" Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, Iceberg, Snarly Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you; Disadvantages: You will have no friends Woman from Mars : "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship" Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable; Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud Ms. Dreamgirl: "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now" Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited; Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

(One) Woman's Guide To Men Men are what women marry. Most have two arms, two legs, a large ego and sometimes two wives. They can be divided into three categories: bachelors, husbands and widowers. Each category can be subdivided into prizes, surprises, consolations and dead losses, the last group being the most common. If you flatter them, they get frightened. If you don't, they get bored. If you allow them to make love to you in the beginning, they get bored with you in the end. If you don't allow them to make love to you, they get bored in the beginning. If you argue with them, you will lose your charm. If you don't argue with them, they will stop trying to charm you. If you are outgoing and popular with other men, they think you are a tart. If you are not an extrovert they ignore you. Finally, to kiss a man, you must be prepared to kiss a rum scented brillo pad used to clean ashtrays. Satisfaction HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffy lube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify,protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazyglue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spot weld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify,

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lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, puree, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again. HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME Show up naked. Marital Software Tips Last year a friend of mine upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's now a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, Beerbash 2.5 and Pubnight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired plugins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day. Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0: -A "Don't remind me again" button -A Minimize button -An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at any time without the loss of cache and other system resources. I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You'd think they would have fixed that stupid bug by now.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing that sucks - all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0. **********BUG WARNING********** Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient system resources. **********BUG WORKAROUNDS********** To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a Usenet provider under anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the Usenet. From A Woman's Viewpoint Guys, you know how things go. You've been dating the most wonderful girl in the world for several weeks, even several months, when something odd happens. Maybe something small, like her starting to wear a particularly rancid brand of perfume, or maybe something major, like her informing you that she was only kidding when she said she adored football. Whatever. All you know is that the thrill has ebbed. Your dreams of this girl are no longer feverish. Your finger seems loath to dial her number; you become re-enamored of airline stewardesses.

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The love affair is, in fact, history. That middle period of relationships, that perilous time between the starry-eyed first moments and the cozy, settled period when you may even have the nerve to fart in bed, is always fraught. It's tricky business, getting to know each other, a pitfall-a-minute affair. And we women can be just as finicky as men. Strike the wrong note and we have a tendency to go off our feed completely. Therefore, I am going to list some common grievances - the things that make womens' eyes go opaque and cause them to stop returning phone calls. 1. Playing Hard To Get. If a man constantly breaks dates at the last minute and is often seen squiring different blondes around town, a woman will quickly tire of him. We've all played that game called "I don't like you as much as you like me", usually in junior high school. A few of us will play this game unceasingly, but most of us have better things to do with our time, such as crocheting doilies. So don't say you're going to call when you're not, don't leave lipstick-stained cigarette butts in your ashtrays, don't disappear for weeks at a time. We'll only yawn. 2. Playing Easy To Get. We don't like this, either. (Damn, we're picky!) There is something off-putting about a man who brings up marriage and children during the first weeks of courtship, who discusses adjoining burial plots on the first date, or who professes undying love with lightning speed. A human door mat is neither amusing nor attractive. And we all know (too well) that a man who is too intense too soon has no staying power; he is in love with love

and not with us. 3. Refusing To Gossip, Especially After A Juicy Party. This is crucial. Most women will forgive a man anything...trampling her flower beds, ignoring her nipples, forgetting her birthday...if only he will stop pretending not to enjoy a good gossip. There is nothing in the world more irritating than a man who preserves a stony silence in the car ride home from a dinner party where Gladys pulled Myrna's husband into the broom closet while Myrna decided it would be fun to launch into an impromptu cancan right after George announced his sexual preference for Lithuanian bus boys. 4. Forgetting Foreplay. One must never, as John Cleese put it, stampede the clitoris. All men know this during their dispassionate, reflective moments, but when sexual lust rears its insistent head, some men become stricken with amnesia and think they can just hop on and go at it. They can't. It takes us, I don't know, approximately 11.7 minutes to become fully aroused. We like to be fondled, we like to be kissed, we like to be told how gorgeous we are, we crave more than a bare minimum of caresses. Otherwise, we become cold and hard, which is not the way you want us. 5. A Plethora Of After-Shave. Or, God forbid, cologne. I personally prefer the smell of clean, honest sweat above all else, but many women delight in a hint of subtle fragrance. None of us, however, is partial to an

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overpowering, mind-numbing, sticky-sweet odor, so be gentle with your Brut. And eschew all "essential oils" purporting to smell like strawberries. 6. Telling Dirty Jokes To Get Us In The Mood. No, we are not interested in the antics of the traveling salesman and the farmer's daughter, though we may be vaguely intrigued to learn what the bishop said to the actress. The trouble is, most dirty jokes are not funny. They are simply slimy, smutty, smarmy, and stupid. These things do not, somehow, turn us on and get us in the right mood. 7. Plying Us With Drinks And Drugs To Get Us In The Mood. We will not respect you for this clicheed ploy. We may even become contrary. 8. Plying Yourself With Drinks And Drugs. I have a good friend who often tells the story of a man who, after knowing her for two weeks, decided it would be fun for her to see him at his worst. He was a wonderful, brilliant, witty man, but she wasn't prepared to deal with him as a Romilar and Wild Turkeysaturated psychopath. 9. Bad Laundry Habits. There are men who forget to wash their sheets for months on end. They think they're being clever buying that dark paisley pattern, but the nose, unfortunately, knows. Clothes must also be washed occasionally; it's no good taking a shower only to climb into clothes exuding petrified body odor. 10. Being Overly Critical. Too much criticism makes anyone want to curl up

into a ball. How To Translate Menspeak When He Says He Really Means ------------ --------------Do you have the time? to go to bed Hello Let's cut the talk and go have sex. How are you? in bed, I mean. I'd like a discreet relationship. I want sex, but I'm married. I'll be out of town for a few days. I'll be spending time with the wife. I'm a novelist. I have 10 unpublished books. I'm coming off a long relationship. My wife is divorcing me. I'm consulting. I'm looking for a job. I'm divorced. I just slipped off my wedding ring. I'm in television. I fix them. I'm involved in banking. I'm a bank guard. I'm self-employed. I just got fired. I'm sorry I flirted with your sister. I'm sorry I got caught. I'm thinking of relocating. I can't find a job locally in this town. I can't leave my wife just yet..soon. Be patient forever. I enjoy reading. Playboy and Penthouse. I have the Midas touch. I install mufflers. I like a woman who is intelligent. As long as she acts like I'm smarter. I love opera. I want sex, but I've seen an opera once. I play the market. Safeway I work high up in an executive office. I'm a window washer. I work with computers. I'm a cashier at a gas station. Looking for a satisfying relationship. I want sex. My business is really hot right now! I hand out towels in a steam room. My job keeps me running. I'm a messenger. My wife and I are separated. She's at home and I'm here at the bar. Women's English: Yes means No

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No means Yes Maybe = No I'm sorry = You'll be sorry We need = I want It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later. We need to talk = I need to complain. Sure go ahead = I don't want you to. I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV. Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me. Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead. Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep. Nothing = Everything Everything = My PMS is acting up. Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an idiot.