I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

When I said 'death' before 'dishonor', I meant alphabetically.

Putting the laughter back into manslaughter.

When shooting a mime, don't use a silencer or his friends will hear you.

Hurricanes are like women : when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man in an arse kicking contest.

A little necrophilia never killed anyone.

Dyslexics Of The World Untie.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin - it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring.

I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.

I got cold hard cash for Christmas. Five bucks frozen in a block of ice.

Being dyslexic has drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

Without me, it's just aweso.

He who laughs last probably does not get the joke.

I miss you like a retard misses the point.

Don't steal. The government hates competition.

You know you have a small apartment when Coco Pops echo.

Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Why is the place you drive on is a parkway, and the place you park on is the driveway?

If a wolf can take down a deer from either flank, does that make him bambidextrous?

I went too a restaurant that served breakfast at anytime, so i ordered french toast during the renaissance.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist.

If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson's No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?

Imagine there were no hypothetical situations.

Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children.

Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.

I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Who's General Failure & why is he reading my disk?

Tennis is a fickle sport. No matter how good you are at it, a wall will always be better.

Yo momma's so fat, she walked past the TV and i missed the first season of Lost.

If your name was homework, I would be doing you on my desk right now.

He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia.

Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you insult him, you'll be a mile away, and have his shoes.

I still miss my ex-girlfriend, but my aim is improving.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.

The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Why do we call them buildings when they're finished? Shouldn't they be called Builts?

When life gives you lemons, cut them in half and squirt life in the eye!

Screw me if I'm wrong, but have we met before?

Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

I told the butcher I'd give him $10 if he got the meat down off the top shelf. He said he couldn't. The steaks were too high.

The Vending Machine Theory : "Stuff tastes better when it falls".

The most effective copyright protection known to man : a scratched CD.

A jump-leads walks into a bar, acting aggressively. The barman says "All right, I'll serve you. But don't start anything."

This girl rang me up one time, she says "come over, nobody is home", I went over, no one was home!

It appears the location of my fist and your head are not mutually exclusive! It is a probability miracle!

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

1. You can do anything, but not everything. David Allen 2. Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away. Antoine de Saint-Exupry 3. The richest man is not he who has the most, but he who needs the least. Unknown Author 4. You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take. Wayne Gretzky 5. Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. Ambrose Redmoon 6. You must be the change you wish to see in the world. Gandhi 7. When hungry, eat your rice; when tired, close your eyes. Fools may laugh at me, but wise men will know what I mean. Lin-Chi 8. The third-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the majority. The second-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the minority. The first-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking. A. A. Milne 9. To the man who only has a hammer, everything he encounters begins to look like a nail. Abraham Maslow 10. We are what we repeatedly do; excellence, then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle 11. A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends. Baltasar Gracian 12. Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the men of old; seek what they sought. Basho 13. Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny. Lao-Tze 14. Everyone is a genius at least once a year. The real geniuses simply have their bright ideas closer together. Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

15. What we think, or what we know, or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do. John Ruskin 16. The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new lands but seeing with new eyes. Marcel Proust 17. Work like you dont need money, love like youve never been hurt, and dance like no ones watching Unknown Author 18. Try a thing you havent done three times. Once, to get over the fear of doing it. Twice, to learn how to do it. And a third time, to figure out whether you like it or not. Virgil Garnett Thomson 19. Even if youre on the right track, youll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers 20. People often say that motivation doesnt last. Well, neither does bathing thats why we recommend it daily. Zig Ziglar

Funny Quotes
21. Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories. John Wilmot 22. What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left. Oscar Levant 23. Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. Oscar Wilde 24. Ive gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller's parlors], and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her. New York City detective 25. When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who werent smart enough to get out of jury duty. Norm Crosby 26. Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand. Kurt Vonnegut 27. Just the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. Carl Sagan 28. My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of the pessimists.

Jean Rostand 29. Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. Lily Tomlin 30. I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back. Richard Lewis 31. Weve heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true. Robert Wilensky 32. If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions? Scott Adams 33. If the lessons of history teach us anything it is that nobody learns the lessons that history teaches us. Anon 34. When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now Im beginning to believe it. Clarence Darrow 35. Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone elses can shorten it. Cullen Hightower 36. There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors will say. Cyril Connolly 37. Theres so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? Dick Cavett 38. All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it. H. L. Mencken 39. I dont mind what Congress does, as long as they dont do it in the streets and frighten the horses. Victor Hugo 40. I took a speed reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Woody Allen

Otherwise Intelligent Quotes

41. The person who reads too much and uses his brain too little will fall into lazy habits of thinking. Albert Einstein 42. Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it. Andr Gide 43. It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. Aristotle

44. Id rather live with a good question than a bad answer. Aryeh Frimer 45. We learn something every day, and lots of times its that what we learned the day before was wrong. Bill Vaughan 46. I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter. Blaise Pascal 47. Dont ever wrestle with a pig. Youll both get dirty, but the pig will enjoy it. Cale Yarborough 48. An inventor is simply a fellow who doesnt take his education too seriously. Charles F. Kettering 49. Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs. Christopher Hampton 50. Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. Cyril Connolly 51. Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century. Dame Edna Everage 52. I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it. Edith Sitwell 53. Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it. Ellen Goodman 54. The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. Ellen Parr 55. Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didnt. Erica Jong 56. Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. Gordon R. Dickson 57. The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, youre still a rat. Lily Tomlin 58. Never ascribe to malice, that which can be explained by incompetence. Napoleon (Hanlons Razor) 59. Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not, and a sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is. Oscar Wilde

60. When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him. Thomas Szasz