This is part of my rejected application for The Onion (www.theonion.

com) 1) Dick Cheney Disapproves of Obama's Academic Style An interviewed Cheney believes waiting for reliable and/or truthful information only slows down decision making with needless details, the academic fact-based style that Mr. Obama demonstrates is only for frightened little momma's boys and other pussies afraid to make a manly, seat-of-the-pants decision. Claims to have done no thinking whatsoever while in office. 2) The Simpsons, Season 37, DVD to be released on Tuesday - The much anticipated 37th Series DVD will contain previously unaired footage of Bart fellating a drunken Homer, a peanut-butter scene between Marge and Santa's Little Helper, and a graphic demonstration of 19 pages from the Kama Sutra by Apu and Lisa. Rumor has it that series creator, Matt Groening, masturbates during his commentary on the special Director's Cut edition. 3) Ankle Bracelet Deemed Unfashionable in a lawsuit against the Montana Penal System, sex offender Darrell McKeever claims that his court-ordered, ankle-mounted tracking bracelet is so unfashionable and depressing that he can barely tolerate to violate his probation and leave his house. The bracelet fails on a number of levels, but McKeever is mainly concerned with how it distracts pre-teen girls and boys with its garish color and flickering LEDs. He has written the word Nintendo on it with a silver and blue marker, but claims that it only seems to fool about half of them. I'm a sex offender, he stated at his hearing, I understand what I am, the court understands what I am, and my therapist understands what I am. This ankle bracelet depresses me and really reduces the quality of my life, my pedophile life. The judge seemed less than impressed and dismissed the lawsuit. McKeever continued as he was escorted out of court, well maybe I'll refuse to reveal the location of one 8 year-old Jason Stimmel...ha ha ha, now we play MY game, Judge, he stated, standing triumphantly in his orange jumpsuit with silver handcuffs. And he looked like a winner...except for the glaringly ugly device strapped to his ankle. 4) GOP Reveals New Mission Statement - Tired of answering for their crimes and decisions based on lobbying money or raw ignorance instead of facts and truths, the GOP has decided to cut the trouble-makers out of the party, mainly the voting American public, with their new slogan Fuck The Public. The article goes on to reveal that without all those whiners, liberals, and other public criticisms to sully and distract the party, the GOP is a strong and unwavering force to be reckoned with, regardless of the nonsense shooting out of their mouths. 5) Budget Crunch Causes God To Sell Off Part Of Heaven The Lord Almighty held a press conference to explain that, since large vast swaths of heaven are unoccupied due to the difficulty of living a sin-free life, parts of Heaven would be sold off to raise money for a new pair of Pearly Gates, damaged in an incident earlier this week. The new gates will have a buzzer entry system, a retina scanner, a video uplink, an anti-fingerprint coating, and a lookout tower for a pair of armed guards. 6) New Democratic Budget Requires Creation Of Additional Currency Note - The US Treasury, in response to the recently approved democratic budget, has released the Google dollar bill into circulation. The bill features the face of Google founder, Sergei Brin, and the number 1 followed by 26 zeros. It was designed to make the US budget seem manageable, Majority Leader of the US Senate, Harry Reid (D-Nevada) said, When you talk about a budget that costs hundreds of thousands of billions of dollars, people tend to get overwhelmed by the unimaginable amount and forget all about the critical services that the money provides. With the new currency, we can simply say the budget will cost seven (7) Googles. That's easy to say and easy to understand...especially when you apply it to a document that is nineteen Googles long.

Application Part One - The Onion - Page 1 of 2

This is part of my rejected application for The Onion (www.theonion.com) 7) Tiger Woods Now A Stunningly Attractive White Woman Following minor cosmetic surgery for injuries sustained during his tragic drunken car crash/domestic encounter, Tiger Woods emerged from surgery as a lovely young white girl. His highly recommended surgeon, Dr. Conrad Murray, formerly known as Michael Jackson's private doctor, managed to repair the minor but unsightly damage to Tiger's broken nose before expertly installing a set of D cup breasts and lightening the golf star's skin by several shades. He is a very attractive white female now and will benefit greatly from the surgery, Murray retorted, He can now enter ANY country club in the US without harassment, he can even join one! And don't even get me started on how much of an advantage it will be for him to tee off from the ladies tees. 8) Army of One Tested 19 year-old PFC James McNulty was sent to Afghanistan today as part of President Obama's plan to add troops to the conflict to get troops out of the conflict. As an Army of One, it is expected that PFC McNulty should be able to turn the tide of this miserable conflict, covering the retreat of his comrades in the military, if he remembers and follows his US Army training, the best Army training on the planet. Equipped with a bulletproof vest and an M-16 rifle, both rented from the US Army for a reasonable fee, the private is ready to get in there and really make the difference. He added, I should be home next week or the week after that, tops. 9) H1N1 Vaccine Contaminated It appears millions of doses of the H1N1 Vaccine were accidentally contaminated by US Government GPS tracking chips. Dr. Kay Halser, spokesperson for the US Government lab that created the vaccines said, No ill effects have been observed, so just take your damn pill. It's for your own safety plus it will let us find you if there should be any kind of problem. An unnamed source at the Justice Department reportedly stated, If you aren't guilty of anything, you won't mind having every single movement you make tracked and recorded, in addition to your weight, blood pressure, heart rate, blood sugar level, stomach contents, and every word you speak or think. 10)Disabled Iraq Vet Insurance Claim Rejected Since he participated in a war that was already ongoing, now considered a pre-existing condition by his insurance plan, SGT Daniel Grant discovered that his traumatically amputated leg, lost during a firefight in Iraq, was not covered by his Army insurance plan. SGT Grant reports, My team and I were busting hump to rescue the injured pilot and passengers of a downed Red Cross helo. We encountered and eliminated nine AK-wielding terrorists and then I heard some thunder...and that was it, I woke up in the hospital without a leg. Aetna Insurance agent Walter Stafford explained, Had the Private not wasted time lounging around the hospital in a coma, we might have been able to help him. But he chose to let critical time slip away and failed to fill out Forms DD-117 and DD258 in a timely manner. We simply can't help anyone who doesn't follow the rules, an Army soldier should know better. If he can produce the amputated leg, he can easily submit a DD119-5a Supplementary In response to a hefty donation from Aetna to his Senator, Mr. Grant will be dishonorably discharged later this month.

Application Part One - The Onion - Page 2 of 2