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Four Myths of Marriage

MYTH 1 We expect exactly the same things from our marriage. We assume that our spouse has similar ideals for marriage to ours. Why? There are UNSPOKEN RULES we live by. They are only made vocal when our spouse breaks them. We need to discuss our secret expectations and make SILENT RULES known!! What are 5 unspoken rules that you brought into your marriage? Be free to accept, reject, challenge and change these rules: you are a new unit! Talk openly about ROLES in your marriage relationship. Who does what and why? Discuss expectations regarding birthdays, Christmas and other celebrations. MYTH 2 Everything good in our marriage will get better. Yes, many things do get better. BUT we married a human being, and no human being can fulfill all our idealized dreams. There will be areas of adjustment and disappointment. These are opportunities for growth. We need to accept and adapt. MYTH 3 Everything bad in my life will disappear Marriage cannot magically erase pain and past hurt or eliminate loneliness. It can, however, become a healing agent over time. Tenderness, understanding, patience, honesty and maybe even seeking outside help come into play here. MYTH 4 My spouse will make me whole. Neither marriage not our partners can or will make us whole. While marriage is about meeting our deepest needs, those needs far outstrip their capacity to be met by anyone else. We need to find completion and wholeness in our Lord and must never expect our spouse to do what only God can do. Only in Him can we be complete. And you are complete in him, which is the head of all principality and power. (Col.2, 10) He alone is my rock and my salvation; my fortress where I will never be shaken. (Ps.62,2 ) You must become a complete individual on your own in order to have true oneness with your spouse. Spouses must complement each other, not complete each other. This

means bringing different perspectives, talents, abilities, experiences and other gifts to the relationship and forming a partnership.

What kind of relationship do you have with your spouse?

An

frame relationship?

This is a dependent relationship and like the long lines ofd the letter A they lean on one another. If one lets go the other falls. They have a strong couple identity but little individual self esteem. When one partner outgrows his dependency needs, the relationship fails.

An

frame relationship?

Each stands alone, each self sufficient and neither influenced much by the other. There is little couple identity and little emotional connection. If one lets go, the other hardly feels a thing.

An

frame relationship?

Each partner has high self esteem and is committed to helping the other partner grow. They could stand on their own, but they choose to be together. Their relationship involves mutual influence and emotional support. They have a meaningful couple identity. If one lets go, the other feels the loss, but recovers balance. In an interdependent marriage, joy is doubled and sorrow is halved. Are you completing or complementing each other in your relationship? Are you using the other person to balance your imbalances, or are you building each other up? Are there areas where you prop one another up (as in A)?

What can you do to change this?