Mary Joy Calibayan THE DIVORCE DEBATE First of all, some important points.

I am speaking as a Catholic Christian, so I am unashamedly arguing my main points as a Catholic Christian leader - and anyone who considers himself as a Catholic Christian will have to grapple with these points, whether he/she is a psychologist, a sociologist, a politician or a teacher. Secondly, and more important, the issue of marriage and divorce can only be really seen in its depth against the background of GODS LOVE and GODS TRUTH which go hand in hand. The Scripture tells us (and this should be our experience):For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. John 1:17 GRACE: the Good News is that God is seeking us, He wants to LOVE us back into a relationship with Him. Jesus did not come to give us more laws, but to save us and give us the grace to live in communion with the Trinity.God is love (1John 4:8) If God is love, and we came to be created in time, who did He love before? Easy but very profound. The Trinity were a community of love, long before we came into the scene. Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. John 17:24This is the love we are called to share in. TRUTH: we spend millions on education. In 2005, the US spent nearly $2 trillion to overcome ignorance. We teach children, adults on practically every subject ...and yet who can claim to know everything, who never say If only I knew then what I know now. Only God never has to say If only I knew better.Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgements, and his paths beyond tracing out! Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor? Rom. 11:33-34 1. WHAT IS THE VISION OF MARRIAGE? CCC 1660 The marriage covenant, by which a man and a woman form with each other an intimate communion of life and love, has been founded and endowed with its own special laws by the Creator. By its very nature it is ordered to the good of the couple, as well as to the generation and education of children. Christ the Lord raised marriage between the baptized to the dignity of a sacrament What make marriage in the Church different to any other marriage? It is a sacrament - IT GOES EVEN BEYOND THE GOOD OF THE COUPLE AND PROCREATION! Many people prepare for marriage with talks on How to communicate better etc but unfortunately few people stop to understand what marriage as a sacrament really is.So what is a sacrament? An outward sign, of an inward grace, which shows us WHO GOD IS AND WHAT HE IS DOING. IT REPRESENTS SOMETHING BIGGER THAN IT IS.EUCHARIST Outward sign: Bread Inward Grace: Life and grace of God Bigger than it is: The Body of Christ MARRIAGE Outward sign: The Marriage Vows I take you to be Inward grace: The grace to love each other, as He loves us Bigger than it is: A symbol of how God loves us in fidelity.We already mentioned that the Trinity are a communion of love. Marriage is an ICON of the Trinity. Moreover the love of the husband and wife are to be a sign of God's unending love for us. God's love for us can never end in divorce. God is faithful even if we are not. The Church desires that even if one of the partners of a marriage is faithless to the marriage bond, the other, by remaining faithful, gives a powerful witness to the community of the way God loves us. We see this in the life of the prophet Hosea.The Lord said to me, Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an

adulteress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes. Hosea 3:1 By virtue of the sacramentality of their marriage, spouses are bound to one another in the most profoundly indissoluble manner. Their belonging to each other is the real representation, by means of the sacramental sign, of the very relationship of Christ with the Church.# 13 Familiaris Consortio (November 22, 1981) On the Role of the Christian Family in the Modern World. This is a vision, it is a responsibility- perhaps one could say only in an ideal world. However the Lord is not calling us to be nice sweet Christians, but to be witnesses. Keep in mind: Scripture begins with a marriage (Genesis) and ends with a marriage (Revelation) and Jesus first miracle was in a wedding feast.The Spirit and the bride say, Come! And let him who hears say, Come! Whoever is thirsty, let him come; and whoever wishes, let him take the free gift of the water of life. Rev. 22:17 2. WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY? In the Old Testament there was divorce - it was a custom against which God reveals his displeasure of over time: do not break faith with the wife of your youth. I hate divorce, says the Lord God of Israel Mal. 2:15Jesus also explains to the Pharisees:Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason? Havent you read, he replied, that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female, and said, For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh?So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. Why then, they asked, did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away? Jesus replied, Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for porneia, and marries another woman commits adultery. Matt. 19:3-9 In Marks version there is no except for porneia: the prohibition is absolute. The Greek word can mean many things - so consider these two translation of the Greek:I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery. Matt. 19:9 (NIV) Protestant Now I say this to you: anyone who divorces his wife I am not speaking of an illicit marriage and marries another, is guilty of adultery. Matt. 19:9 (NJB) Catholic This illicit marriage is marriage in the prohibited degree (INCESTUOUS) as described in Leviticus 18.The Catholic Church has always consistently taught that divorce is not permissible under any circumstances.To the married I give this ruling, and this is not mine but the Lords: a wife must not be separated from her husband -or if she has already left him, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband and a husband must not divorce his wife. 1Cor. 7:10-11 CCC 2384 Divorce is a grave offense against the natural law. It claims to break the contract, to which the spouses freely consented, to live with each other till death. Divorce does injury to the covenant of salvation, of which sacramental marriage is the sign. Contracting a new union, even if it is recognized by civil law, adds to the gravity of the rupture: the remarried spouse is then in a situation of public and permanent adultery:CCC 1615 This unequivocal insistence on the indissolubility of the marriage bond may have left some perplexed and could seem to be a demand impossible to realize. However, Jesus has not placed on spouses a burden impossible to bear, or too heavy - heavier than the Law of Moses. By coming to restore the original order of creation disturbed by sin, he himself gives the strength and grace to live marriage in the new dimension of the Reign of God. It is by following Christ, renouncing themselves, and taking up their crosses that spouses will be able to "receive" the original meaning of marriage and live it with the help of Christ. This grace of Christian marriage is a fruit of Christ's cross, the source of all Christian life.

3. OK, SO WHY DOES THE CHURCH SPEAK OUT ABOUT MATTERS WHICH CONCERN CIVIL SOCIETY i. First of all, let us ask make it clear that the Church, who speak in Jesus name has the right and the duty like every other group to speak out CCC 2385 Divorce is immoral also because it introduces disorder into the family and into society. This disorder brings grave harm to the deserted spouse, to children traumatized by the separation of their parents and often torn between them, and because of its contagious effect which makes it truly a plague on society. ii. So, secondly, the truth that the Church proclaims is not just for the GOOD of Catholics but for the good of all humanity, because the Gospel and the Church is a lover of all that is human and its restoration.Eg. So when the Church (teaching that man is made in Gods image) teaches that man has an inherent dignity to life, to freedom etc, it does not say But we are only concerned that Catholics enjoy these. No these are fundamental human rights for all. So if divorce/breakup of the family is a moral tsunami for all society, the Church teaches it all to all mankind. iii. For the Catholic the Church teaches that divorce is not permissible and if you re-marry you are living in sin, you cannot receive communion. iv. What of the moral tsunami that can hit the shores? Well perhaps statistics will show that God is right despite so called progressive thinking. These are not quotes from Christians!Divorce can be deceptive legally it is a single event but psychologically it is a chain, sometimes a never ending chain, of events, relocations and radically shifting relationships strung through time, a process that forever changes the lives of people involved. Judith Wallerstein, Second Chances Two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stay married reported that their marriages improved within five years. The most unhappy marriages report the most dramatic turnarounds: among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of 10 who avoided divorce are happily married five years later. Linda J. Waite, Don Browning, William J. Doherty, Maggie Gallagher, Ye Luo, and Scott M. Stanley, Does Divorce Make People Happy? Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages, (New York: Institute for American Values, 2002): 148-49. I have heard too many disillusioned individuals express regrets about their belief that their ex-spouse was the problem only to discover similar problems in their second marriages or, even more surprisingly, in their new single lives.... And then there are the children, who are also the victims in a divorce. ...Battles over parenting issues don't end with divorce; they get played out even more vigorously with children as innocent by-standers or even pawns.... I have come to the conclusion that divorce is not the answer. It doesn't necessarily solve the problems it purports to solve. Most marriages are worth saving. Michele Weiner-Davis, Divorce Busting. (New York: Summit Books 1992).A culture of divorce soothes children with antidepressants, consoles them with storybooks on divorce and watches over their lives from family court. Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, The Divorce Culture, Vintage Books (New York: Random House, Inc., 1996): 181.Children who had experienced a parental separation were significantly more likely to experience health problems than were children in intact families. Even when the mother subsequently re-married, the correlation between households with marital disruption and the emergence of health problems among children remained significant. Jane Mauldon, "The Effect of Marital Disruption on Children's Health" Demography 27, 3. (August, 1990)A 33-year study revealed that children who experienced a parental divorce in their childhood or adolescence were likely to experience emotional problems such as depression or anxiety well into their twenties or early thirties. Andrew J. Cherlin et al.,

Effects of Parental Divorce on Mental Health Throughout the Life Course, American Sociological Review 63 (April 1998) A study that tracked two generations found that children of divorce are twice as likely to divorce as are the children of continuously married parents. Paul R. Amato and Danelle D. DeBoer, The Transmission of Marital Instability Across Generations: Relationship Skills or Commitment to Marriage? Journal of Marriage and Family 63 (November 2001): 1038-1051.Children whose parents divorce are especially likely to divorce themselves because they have lost faith in marital permanence. Data clearly implicates a loss of commitment to the ideal of marital permanence as the reason for the high divorce rates among the children of divorce. Mavis Hetherington, For Better or for Worse: Divorce Reconsidered, quoted in Washington Post, Study finds families function after parents say I don't', Susan Levine, February 2002).Myth: Children are better off with divorced parents than parents who fight and don't get along.Reality: Barring cases of extreme abuse, research has shown that a child is better off if the parents resolve their differences and the family remains together, even if the long-term relationship is less than perfect. If divorce were limited to only high-conflict, abusive marriages, then divorce may generally be in children's best interests. The rate of divorce because of abuse, however, is less than 30 percent. Marital dissolution has become increasingly socially acceptable, and people are leaving marriages at lower thresholds of happiness now than in the past. Marriages have become easily disposable. Many adults who are in very unhappy marriages would be surprised to learn that their children are relatively content. Keeping their family together is usually more important to children than if mom and dad sleep in different beds. First marriages that are troubled are predictably better for children than the alternatives. In 1977, 55 percent of American teenagers thought a divorce should be harder to get; in 2001, 75 percent thought a divorce should be harder to get. Maggie Gallagher, Children Need Mothers and Fathers , The Weekly Standard , Vol. 008, Issue 45, August 4, 2003. Clinical psychologist Diane Medved set out to write a book to help couples facing transitions due to divorce. She begins her book with this startling statement:I have to start with a confession: This isn't the book I set out to write. I planned to write something consistent with my previous professional experience helping people with decision making. . . . For example, I started this project believing that people who suffer over an extended period in unhappy marriages ought to get out....I thought that striking down taboos about divorce was another part of the ongoing enlightenment of the women's, civil- rights, and human potential movements of the last twenty-five years....To my utter befuddlement, the extensive research I conducted for this book brought me to one inescapable and irrefutable conclusion: I had been wrong."(1) She titled her book The Case Against Divorce. Most marriages start out on a solid footing. But after the honeymoon, comes the more difficult process of learning to live together harmoniously. The success of the process is affected by both internal factors (willingness to meet each other's needs, etc.) and external factors (such as the availability of divorce). But even these factors are interrelated. If the law gives more protection to the marriage contract, a partner may be more likely to love sacrificially and invest effort in the marriage. If the law gives less protection, a partner may be more likely to adopt a "looking out for number one" attitude."All the happy talk about divorce is designed to reassure parents," said Elizabeth Marquardt, author of the study, which is described in her new book, "Between Two Worlds." "But it's not the truth for children. Even a good divorce restructures children's childhoods and leaves them traveling between two distinct worlds. It becomes their job, not their parents', to make sense of those two worlds." Tamar Lewin, New York Times Saturday, November 5, 2005 4. VARIOUS QUESTIONS Q1 Why can a priest stop being a priest, yet a married couple cannot divorce?

A1 A priest never stops being a priest, he is dispensed from exercising the ministry- but he remains a priest, like a person remain baptised. Q2 Isnt annulment a backdoor to divorce? A2 No annulment is not - it is recognising that for some reason there has not been a valid marriage eg. a person is forced to get married. a defect in the consent. Q3 Seeing the Church is so lenient in granting Kana certificates and passing all those who sit for the Chaplain test, why is it so strict when it comes to annulments/divorce? Eg a couple, disinterested in the Catholic faith get married in Church to avoid gossip. In their day to day lives they never attend Mass and have no intention to in the future. To make matters worse, the Kana course providers are aware of this! Practising Catholic parents see no objections either. A3 A priest who leads a Cana Course was asked about this and gave his comments. i. the certificate is a certificate of attendance of the Course not a statement that the couple is ready to get married. ii. if the course director is not convinced he will contact the parish priest who ascertains their faithiii. the Course director explain to the couple that everyone has a right to marry but not everyone has a right to marry in the Church - because it is a sacrament which gives grace and it is a farce if a person is not practising or does not believe in the sacramentality of marriage to get married in the church. This is hypocrisy - they should get married civilly. iv. one must consider that some people are also ready to lie to get the go ahead to marry in the Church. 5. GRACE AND TRUTH God loves us and wants the best for us. Some people, even Christians, are not walking with Jesus in their lives. In John 8:1-10 the Pharisees want to stone a woman caught in adultery. Jesus makes them look at their hearts which were harder than the stones in their happens To the woman and to us the Good News is the same: GRACE - no one condemned you, nor do I (Jn 8:10) TRUTH - go, sin no more (Jn 8:11) PRACTICAL POINTS i. Invite Jesus into your life daily to come with His grace and truth. ii. Know what you believe and why iii. Dont get into heated arguments but be a witness and explain what you believe Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect 1Pet. 3:15 Youth Fellowship 2008