~1~

I ran the race, keep up with the pace I play the game but I cant stay I got my head on straight And Im not gonna change Not gonna changet -Avril Lavigne, Alice (underground)
Another wedding. Im a common fixture in weddings. Not that Ive been married so many times, okay? Ivewellbeen a bridesmaid for a couple of times already. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. I know its a clich, but its true. At least, for me. This time though, Im not a bridesmaidand not the bride, as well. Its my eldest sister, Kims wedding, and here I am, at the reception. I didnt wake up earlyI had, well, quite a crazy night last night. My friends threw a party and I got wasted, you know the deal. I woke up with a hang-over, and realized I had my sisters wedding to attend to. I remembered I needed to wear something rainbow colored for its the motif. Good thing I had the perfect dress which I bought over a month back. It was short (it was a tube-dress), it was cute, and it had all the colors of the Rainbow on it. Well, I thought it was perfectuntil I arrived at the reception and noticed that everyone were wearing dresses and suits with one color of the Rainbow, and not all colors. It was just the bride, my sister, Kim and I who were wearing something with all colors on it. I caught her eye and knew she would come to me and tell me to go away, or find something else to wear. She always thinks that I do things to despise her. Oh, wait, I havent introduced myself yet. Im Caroline Larsen, the third of the Larsen siblings. The eldest is Kim, 28, whos getting married right now to

Mark, this guy I once hooked-up with. Okay, it wasnt a total hook-up, just a few kisses, and nothing else. He wasboring. And a jerk, at least, back then. It was college, people could change after. I just have no idea what Kim sees in him. To me, he still seems like the guy I once knew. Well, enough about Kim. The next sister is cool Leigh. Shes 25, very smart, but her personality isnt of the controlling kind, Like Kim. I live with Leigh, and so does my other two younger siblings. Its because of Leigh that I have all these online shops and dont have to work my butt off everyday of my life. Shes the best. And then theres me, Caroline, 23, middle child, not so smart, not dumb, not too elegant, but never sloppy. I definitely am always in the middle. After me, theres Mindy, 21. Shes well, she just got out of rehab. For the nth time. Mindy always had drug and alcohol problems. It started when she was 17 and found out that She wasnt dads real daughterMom had an affair with someone else years ago, and so she came. Dad freaked out when he found out. Well, who wouldnt right? But he still accepted mom. To be honest, if I were him, I probably wouldnt have done the same thing. But who knows? Maybe, there are things people forgive when they really love someone, no matter how unforgivable they may seem. Okay, moving onFinally, theres our only brother, Drake, 18 and in first year college. Hes your typical college dudebusy with school and, busy with girls. What in the world are you wearing? Kim whispered as she led me near an arch in the reception area. Kim looks scary when shes doing this. She always does this to me. Didnt you read the invitation? No one but me should be wearing something with all of the colors of the Rainbow on it. Im I said, Sorry. Really, Kim, Im sorry, I didnt meant toI just woke up late and You always find ways to rain on my parade, Caroline, She said through gritted teeth, Dont show yourself to anyone else. Find a shawl or something. What? Kim When will you ever grow up, huh? Its my wedding day, She emphasized, God, Caroline.

Im sorry. Suit yourself. She said and walked away, giving her smiles to everyone else but me. I sighed. Who knew about her freakin dress code? Itsits on the invitation, Someone said and I noticed that it was this guy who was standing by the arch, holding a copy of Paulo Coelhos Brida in one hand. He looked like a shy guy (he wasnt looking me in the eye) but he was well, cute. Pretty Blue eyes, nice red lips, and bangs being fluttered on his face by the wind. He looked like a cross between Adam Brody and Hugh Dancy. It says no one but the bride should wear something with all the colors on it. Oh, I muttered, I guess I skipped that part. I smiled. He didnt laugh. Im Caroline, by the way, bridezillas sister I quipped. He just looked down. What was this? I thought, was he really this shy? So, I said, trying to start another conversation, Youre a friend of the grooms? Cousin Oh, wowand your name is? RoRobert, He answered, Theythey call me Robbie. Robbie, I smiled, Thats a nice name. So, why are you standing her on your own? Dont like the food or something? No, no, He answered, I justI dont like crowds so much Is he Agoraphobic? I thought. I see I said, Im not so sure I like this crowd, too I smiled. Have you read Brida? He asked, Its this book, He said, Oh, and its not about a bride or something No, I havent, I said, realizing I knew why he was the way he was. Aspergers. I thought. It was probably why he was socially awkward, couldnt look me in the eye and was dead-set on talking about books. Well, its just a guess, but I think Im right. Im a Psychology grad. I may not be practicing it, but still I

then went back to talking with him, But I know its not about a brideWitches, right? Right, His eyes lit up, Although Witch of Portobello is better, I should say Oh, I like that one, I said, The ending was superb. Yes, yes, it is, He said, P-Paulo Coelho is my favorite author. But I do like John Grisham too and someJ-Jodi Picoult I love Jodi, I said, Shes an exceptional writer. I smiled, so, do you wanna sit at that log bench there? I pointed, I need to get away from Kims sight, too Yeah, yeah, he muttered, Sure. As we walked towards the bench, he kept on talking about books, even as we sat down. The thing about people with Aspergers is that sometimes, they have no idea how to stop talking about a certain subject. They live in our world, but are on their own. Do you know that Brida was Coelhos first novel? He asked, Most people think its The Pilgrimage, though, since it was published first Yeah, I heard about that Do you like him, too? Hes good, yes, I like him. Good, good, because most people these days dont know how precious books are anymoreBooks are special. I smiled, Sure are. Im sorry I talk too much, II have this conditionAspergers, its high functioning Autism, II dont really know how to deal withwith Its okay, Robbie, I said, It doesnt matter. Itit doesnt? Why should it? N-nothingyourenice. I just smiled. Whatwhats your favorite book?

I thought and then, Alice in Wonderland. I said and smiled, I mean, sure, its a fairytale, but I like itI sometimes cant help but wish that there was a wonderland or something Itits actually very n-niceLewis Caroll did it well Yes, yes, I said, I like the movies, too. I took a deep breath, Imagine if we went back inside, Kim would freak out againShe always does when it comes to me I laughed a little, WellI guess I cant blame her, shes perfect D-do you want toto borrow Brida for a while? I looked at him, Yeah, I said, Sure. Just then, my other sister, Leigh came with Mindy in tow, holding a bottle of chardonnay in one hand. Keep quiet, Minds, Leigh said, Kim would kill us all, we have to go home Oh, come on, Alicia, Mindy said in a voice that would be heard by almost everyone, Its a part, we should drink! Carol, Carol She said as she saw me, Care for a shot? Oh and this guy youre with should, too Mindy! Leigh then saw me with Robbie, Sorry She mouthed, as my brother, Drake gave me a salute from behind. Wait for me in the car I told them and watched them go. I turned to Robbie, Robbie, Im really sorry but I have to go. I think what you saw was an emergency, I quipped, Listen, why dont we meet up again soon? Do you have your phone with you? Y-yeah He answered and got it from his pocket. I found mine in my purse and handed it to him. Lets exchange numbers I said and he gave me his, as well. We returned the phones to one another. I really had a nice time chatting with you, Rob, I just really have to go. I told him, But Ill see you soon, okay? O-okay He answered. Thanks, I said as I stood up and gave him a peck on the cheek. Ill see you. He just nodded his head.

~2~
In our family portrait

we look pretty happy lets go back to that -Pink, Family Portrait

Drake opened the door to our house (okay, its Leighs house, the three of us just live with her) and we all went in. Mindy sat down on the sofa, her feet up on the center table. Ill go make some coffee, Leigh said, And give me that. She took the bottle of chardonnay from Mindy. Hey! Mindy argued. You dont need this. Leigh said and placed it in the kitchen cabinet, locking its door. Im going up, Drake said, receiving shocked stares from us all, Im uh He said, Tired He then made his way up the stairs. They waited for him to close the door of his room before anyone spoke. What is wrong with that boy? Leigh asked from the kitchen, making coffee, He hasnt been his usual self for a couple of days now Well, Im not too sure, I answered, But I think it has something to do with Pia Pia? Leigh asked. Thats the girl hes been dating forever, Mindy said, Quite boring, dating someone forever, if you ask me I laughed, Yeah, thats Pia I said and went on, I think they may have fought or somethingHes not wearing his ring, you know? But dont worry, Ill handle Drake I then turned to Mindy. You okay? I asked.

Of course I am, She answered, You guys are the ones whore not, though She went on, Youre like, the worlds corniest people right nowIts a party, drinkings a must. Enough, Minds, Leigh said as she gave her a cup of coffee, and handed me one, as well. She then sipped her own coffee, I think Kims so mad at all of us nowImagine what happened in her wedding! Mindy laughed, You shouldve drunk, now that wouldve made her crazier Are you kidding? I said, You shouldve seen her when she came up to me. She wanted me to leave! Or throw a shawl on myself or something Leigh laughed, Its a pretty dress, may I say, She said, But surely you didnt read the invite well Oh, trust Kimmie to make a big deal out of things like these I said. Just then, our landline rang. Uh-oh Mindy said. Leigh picked it up, Hello? What the hell were you guys thinking? Kim said. Its Kim Leigh mouthed, and put her on speaker phone. ruining my wedding like that, God, Kim went on, You shouldnt have brought Mindy! Kimmie, you invited her, and besides shes our sister Leigh said. Whatever, Kim said, And Caroline! How many times will she do this, huh? Ruin things for meOh, Lord. Will she ever grow up?! Kim, she didnt mean to Mindy then took the receiver from Leigh, Why hello, Kimmie She said. Mindy? Of course its me, Mindy said, Why dont you just continue with your ohso-perfect wedding? She went on, Or better yet, go start honeymooning now and make perfect little babies who would one day rule the world. Bye! She shouted and put the phone down. For some reason, it made Leigh and me laugh. Shed probably tell everyone that she doesnt have sisters I quipped.

Well, unlucky for Kimmie shes got a hell of a crazy family Mindy said nonchalantly. Leigh and I looked at each other, knowing that it wasnt just a joke. In fact, Kim really has all of us to deal with. Not really deal with, but endure. After all, were her family. Its like, shes the only one whos flawless (and by flawless, I dont mean beauty or something)straight As back in school, Fresh Law school grad, perfect relationships, a stance against premarital sexYou get it. Its like, shes brought here on earth to be such an epitome of perfection. And then what does she have for a family? Dad, who doesnt talk to anyone anymore, Mom, whos had hair share of illicit affairs, Leigh who takes care of us all, being cool amidst everything and has never been in a relationship since her break-up with her college boyfriend, swearing boys off (for good, she says), me, whos never good enough and only lives because of my sisters money, and my online shops, Mindy, whos a constant fixture in rehab, and Drake, who barely made it to college. Kim really wanted to get away from us all. So, anyway, Leigh said, starting another conversation, Carol, you were talking to Marks cousin at the reception, huh? Robbie, yes, I answered, You know him? No, not really, She said, But Mark introduced him to us back at the weddingAnd Kim whispered in my ear that he has Aspergers She said, You better be careful, I mean, be gentle with the guyI know you can charm anyone you want, but this ones different Honestly, Leigh, I wasnt even thinking about that, I said, glancing at Brida on the center table, He just lent me a bookand helped me get away from Kims grit. She smiled, Whatever you say She went on, Id call the Pizza place for dinner, Im in no mood for cooking. When were you ever in the mood? Mindy quipped. Shut it, Minds. Leigh finished.

~3~
So when was the passion when you need it the most you kick off the leaves and the magic is lost -Daniel Powter, Bad day
Two days later, I was looking for the copy of Brida which Robbie lent me. I knew I was reading it last night by the mezzanine, it should just be there. But here I am, hours later, and almost turned the whole house round without finding the book. I then realized I havent checked Mindys room yet, or asked her, for that matter. I went upstairs again and started knocking on her door. Minds? I called out, Minds, its Caroline, I was just wondering if you saw a book Its only 4pm, Carol, what again? Typical Mindy. She never wakes up early, I thought. I was asking if you saw a book, Brida, I think I left it by the mezzanine last night Oh, yeah, She said from her room, Wait a sec Seconds later, she opened the door and she emerged, wearing nothing but an oversized shirt and her short-shorts, hair all over the place. Here, She said, as she groggily handed me the book, which made my eyes go wild: the cover was torn in half, the pages were wet, and it smelled ofchardonnay. Minds I muttered, but she had already locked her door. Oh, Lord. I sighed as I went down the stairs, figuring out what should be done with the book. I then saw my brother coming from the kitchen, frozen Lasagna fresh from the oven in his hands. He gave me a little smile before almost making his way up the stairs again. Where are you going?

10

To my room, He answered. No, youre not, I said, You havent been out of it all day. Come here. I said, motioning for him to sit down beside me at the sofa. Carol, Im tired, I just wanna rest, I dont have classes Resting? Since last night? I asked, Or no, make that every night that youre here this past month. He sighed and went up to me, What do you want? Youre sulking, I said, You and Pia broke up, didnt you? Its really none of your business. Maybe, I told him, But I care. Thanks, but Sit down. Caroline, Im going to Okay, Ill let you mope, but can you please just sit down first? He sighed heavily, Fine, He said, and sat down beside me, putting the Lasagna down on the table. So? I said. So what? What happened? Nothing, He answered, She said it wasnt gonna work anymore, shes busy with school, cant find time forfor me. Oh. Im fine, though, we both are Youre fine? Yeah, I mean, were still friends Still friends? I said, You still talk? Yes, almost every night I sighed, Still saying I love yous and stuff? Yeah, I mean, I doShe does, sometimes Drake! I said, Denial will only make things worse. Im not denying anything

11

Yes, you are. I told him, And the fact that youre denying that is denial in itself. Oh, Carol, dont go philosophical on me. Sweetie, Im just concerned. I know how these things go. How do you know? Been there, remember? I said, I wasted almost a year of my life thinking this guy and I were gonna get back together. I was going for someone who no longer loved me, hear that? Its different for everyone. I know it is. I said, But, Drake, you have to give yourselves sometime. You cant just be friends friends that easily without giving yourself time to heal. It just wont work. I love her. I know you do, I said, But sometimesthings like these are unhealthy. You need a break. Denial would just ruin things. You cant expect things to be as they were before. Shes not meant for you, I went on, At least not right now. We made a promise. Well, I said, People in relationships do, but sometimes, things happen people could grow apart, and promises could be broken. I told him and saw the disbelief on his face, You refuse to believe me, dont you? He didnt answer. What are you doing down here, anyway? Trying to think of what to do with this book Ooh, He said as he saw the condition of the book, What happened? Mindy. I just said. Sorry bout that. Yeah, whatever, I said, You know, Drake, you better cook dinner or something. Leigh wont be home til midnight. And you know I cant cook to save our lives He sighed, You know, Carol, sometimes I forget youre older than me. Youre a dude, I told him, Give in to the ladies.

12

He just sighed, stood up, and made his way to the kitchen. I, however, took my phone from my pocket, looked for Robbies name on the contact list and pressed dial. It took a couple of rings before he finally answered his phone. Robbie? Y-yes? Robbie, hi, its Carolineremember me? From the wedding? Y-yes, of coursedid you read the book? About that, yeah I said, glancing at the tarnished book on the table, It was good, uhm, I actually called to tell you that I wanna return it to you tomorrow, would that be okay? S-sure, He said, B-but can we justjust meet up here at home? I am not gonna do anythingits just thatI c-cant handle crowds so much and Its okay, Robbie, I said, I understand. We could meet up there. Just text me the details in a bit, okay? Okay He said, Uhm, I actually found something for youI wanted to call you but II didnt know ifif it was okay Of course its okay, I told him, Oh, and what is it? II cant tell you, its a surprise. A surprise, I muttered, Wow. Id love that. II hope so I sure would. O..okayuhm, can I go now? I..n-need toto get the burgers from the oven Sure, I told him, Dont forget to text me your address, ok? See you tomorrow, Rob See you. He said, and I heard the final click. I then turned to my brother, Drake, youre driving me tomorrow to Robbies place, okay? What? Robbie asked from the kitchen, Why?

13

Well, because you know that I dont have a car, and you, my dear, got no classes till 4pmmeaning it would be perfect. I said and added, Oh, and I happen to know, too, that you never make it a point to be early for your classes. Geez, Carol. Fine. Whatever you say. Thanks, dear brother! I laughed.

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~4~
Nothings gonna change my world --The Beatles, Across the Universe
Robbies apartment was situated in Central Park. It was chic, I thought as I got out of Drakes car. Do I need to pick you up here later, too? Drake asked. Nah, I said, I dont know what time Ill be goin home I answered, Thanks, Drake. Dont go home too late, okay? Yeah, He said, Take care. Bye. I gave him a little wave before I went up the stairs to look for Robbies unit. 3-C, he said on the text he sent me last night. I found it after a few minutes, and knocked on the door. Rob? I said, Its Caroline. Seconds later, he opened the door. Honestly, I thought he looked overdressed for such a casual occasion: Pink long-sleeved top, gray slacks, leather shoes. It was like he was going for a job interview or something. H-hi. He said silently. Hi. I smiled and gave him a hug. Come in, He said and led me inside. Wow, I muttered as I saw the grand bookcase in his living roomit was like, every book in the world was there. These are all yours? He nodded his head, There are more in my room Wow. I smiled, Definitely a wide reader, huh? He smiled meekly. Uhm..uh, sit down? Thanks. I said and sat down on the couch. II made some tea, He told me, Let me get it Okay. I smiled a little. Tea? I thought. Most of the guys I went out with offered me beer, or wine, or soda. Never Tea. But well, Im not going out with 15

Robbiewere justfriends. Maybe, not even so much. We just met a few days back at my sisters wedding, he lent me a book, and now Im returning it to him. Its milk tea, really delicious, good for the body, Robbie returned, holding a tray with a teapot and two little cute cups on it. He poured tea on one and gave it to me. This is nice, I told him. He smiled as he sat down next to me, So, did you like Brida? I almost spit the tea when he said that. Uh, yes, I said, slowly opening my bag, It was good I said as I pulled out the book and handed it to him. I saw the look in his eyes as he saw his now damaged book. Im really sorry, I told him, Its my sister, Mindy. Remember? At the wedding? The one who was drunk and I trusted you. He said. Rob, Im sorry, I really didnt mean to, I could pay for it or buy you another one Its not about that! He said loudly, II trusted you. And this book means a lot to me, my mom gave it to me shortly before she died and now Tears welled up in his eyes. I cupped my hands over my mouth. Im sorry I said earnestly as I placed a hand over his shoulder, Believe me, Id do anything to Y-you dont know how much this means to m-me He cried, My mom gave it to me. My mom gave it to me Rob, He was crying now, and I was feeling panicky. He fell to the floor and rocked himself, Youreyoure thinking Im a crazy person, a baby, crying over a book! He cried. No, no, Rob, I said, sitting on the floor beside him, I am not thinking about it that wayBelieve me, I know how you feel. Andand it pains me knowing I caused this He wasnt speaking, just rocking himself, likelike he was lost in space.

16

I took a deep breath, You know what, Robbie? Years ago, I had thisthis music box. My dad gave it to me because he always said I was his song. He used to be in a band andmy name, Caroline, its from Carol, meaning, a hymnso he gave me the music box on my 7th birthday and for years, it was my most precious possession. Until my sister, Kim, destroyed it years ago. Some two years agoShe was mad at me for almost flunking college, and screwing up on my first jobSheshe threw the music box in my room, andAnd it has never been okay since. I actually havent seen it since after that incident I went on, And you know what? As much as it hurts, sometimes we have to accept the fact that sometimes, we lose the things we love most. I looked at him, Im really sorry about the book, Robbie, please, please forgive me. I promise II wont make you cry again. It took a while for Robbie to say or do anything, but he finally nodded his head. Friends? I asked. Robbie nodded his head, W-wait, He said, Ill get mymy surprise for you. Okay. I smiled a bit as he stood up and went to his room. A few seconds later, he came back, holding a battered, old copy of Lewis Carrols Alice in Wonderland. It was my great-great grandmothers, but Im giving it to you now since Alice is your favorite Its beautiful, I told him as he gave me the book, Robbie, you didnt have to I want to, He said, II dont have many friends andand I just thought of thanking you for talking toto meat the wedding. I smiled, Youre sweet. He smiled a bit, Uhm, I sh-shall get the cookies Let me help you. I said and he helped me stand up. We went to the kitchen together, got the cookies from the oven and were on the way back to the living room when someone rang the doorbell.

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He looked at me, You with anyone? No, I said, putting down the bowl of cookies at the center table. W-wait. He said, opened the door and we were both surprised to see who came: Mark and Kim. Hey, Mark greeted as he saw me. What in the world? Kim said as she laid her eyes on me. Shes my friend Robbie told her. In a matter of seconds, she managed to bring me into one corridor of the room while Mark and Robbie were talking. Wormed your way into his life, have you? Kim told me in hushed tones. We met at your wedding, he lent me a book, and now Im here to return it, I said, Honestly, Kimmie, I cant see what the fuss is about. Do not mess with him. She said, Hes sick. Hes a smart man, Kim, I said, And Im not planning to do anything. Oh really? She said sarcastically. Stop acting like you know me, Kim. You dont. She looked at me, as if trying to digest everything I said. You, she said, and all my other sistersyoure all the same. If I know, you were probably laughing at me last Sunday Stop being paranoid, I told her, And stop making a big deal out of things. You can leave now, were fine Robbie called out. Kim gave me one disdainful look while Mark gave me a nod before they finally walked out the door. Sorry about my sister, I told Robbie, She can bevery much on everyone elses business Mark usually goes here, He said, Hewellmymy mom, before she died, she told him tot-to look after me. Oh. Was all I could say. Who knew Mark was capable of looking after someone other than himself? Mark told me you knew each other from beforethatt-that you wwerealmost together

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I looked at him, Yeah, I said, Its been a long timeandit was just a few kisses, nothing more. Did youdid you havesex? He asked, Im sorry, that was Its okay, I said, And no, we didnt. I told him. Why? I shrugged, Why would we? S-sorry about the question. I smiled a bit, No worries. I said. L-letslets eat the cookies, its almost 5, we have to Yes, I said, Lets.

~5~
Were all genetically flawedthats what makes us human. --Nicole Richie, The Truth about Diamonds
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When I got home that night, I found Leigh by the dining table, smoking a cigarette. In that instant, I knew that there was something wrong. Leigh never smoked unless she was feeling sad, or panicky, or scared. Or when shes mad about something. I put my bag down in one of the dining chairs. Leigh? I asked, tapping her on the shoulder, Whats going on? Nothing, She said, pushing down the cigarette on her ashtray. Come on, I said, spill. She sighed, Mom called, She told me, Oh God, I feel like such a failure. Dont say that, I told her, You know thats not true. If anyones a failure, it would be me Shut up, She said. So, what did mom say? She looked at me, That it was my fault that Kims wedding was kind of a disasterThat I shouldnt have brought Mindy along She is such a hypocrite, I said. Ssh, Leigh said, Shes still our mom. But come on, Leigh, look at what shes saying. Of all people who could say that, she does. I cant believe her. Oh, you know how she could be. Yeah, Kimmie sure got her genes. She laughed, So, you went to Robbies place? Yep. How did it go? Good, I said, Except for the part that he cried because of what happened to his copy of Brida, but I handled it What happened? Oh, uhm, Mindyshe uhm, took it in her room andspilt chardonnay destroyed the cover Oh, Carol, Im so sorry, Ill talk to her.

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No, its okay, I said, Dont worry, Leigh, its fine. I went on, But guess who I saw in there Who? Kim. Our Kim? Yeah, with Mark, I told her, They were visiting. Can you believe Robbies mom told Mark to look after him? Wow. Yeah, I said, Wow. So, let me guess, Kim made a scene? Hmmwell, she did pull me into a corner and told me to go gentle on the guy, that hes sick, blah blah blah Typical Kim. I laughed, Yeah. She took a deep breath, Carol, do you think Im a bad sister? What? Come on, Leigh, stop with the pity party, I told her and held her hand, Youre the best, how many times will I have to tell you that? Dont let mom get to you Its just that Mindys been relapsing all these years andAnd I have no idea what to do anymore. Oh, Leigh I said, giving her a hug, We really dont know how Mindy feels. I mean, yeah, sure were trying to understand her, but were not the ones who found out after 17 years that shes not her dads daughter. It must be tough. Maybe, more than tough. She smiled a bit, I just wish things get better. I squeezed her hand, I hope so, too. Thanks, Carol, She said and smiled a little. She threw away her cigarette, got her bag from one of the chairs and gave me a peck on the cheek. I have to go. She said. Go? Im going to, She paused and then, meet someone.

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Oh, okay, take care, Leigh Thanks, C She said and in a matter of seconds, she got out of the house. I then heard my other sister, Mindy, going down the stairs. She then went to the kitchen, gave me a little nod and proceeded on opening the fridge and the cabinets. After a few minutes, she looked distraught. Oh, crap, She said and looked at me, Alicia threw away my supplies, didnt she? By supplies, she means her alcoholic drinks. I shrugged, She was just doing her job. I said. Of what? Looking after me? She said sarcastically, Oh, please, Caroline, why dont you allow me to drinkeven just a few? I cant, Minds, sorry, I said, stood up and made my way to the fridge, Howeverwe can have some Mango ice cream I smiled, took the goblets and teaspoons from the cabinet and scooped some. I handed her a glass and she looked at me curiously as she sat down. I know its not as exciting as vodka or something, I told her, But we did love ice cream when we were kidsAnd Mangos your favorite, remember? She laughed a little, Oh, well She muttered. A few spoonfuls went by without anyone speaking. And then she spoke. So, Mindy asked, Hows daddy? Hesokay, I answered unsurely, Honestly, I dont know, MindyDad never talks to anyone that much anymore. He mostly wants to beleft alone. She just nodded her head. I bet hes ashamed of me. She said sadly. No, hes not. Im embarrassed of myself, you know? Mindy, it wasnt your fault. She shook her head, You have no idea how it feels. I know, I said, But its still not your fault. And dad still got hurt, She answered, Will always be bounded by that hurt. I just bit my lip. Did you, I asked, ever tried to find himyouryour real father?

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No, She said with a finality, I dont want to see him. Hes an ass getting a married woman pregnant, running awayDad trusted him, you know? He was their gardener for yearsand what did he do? Id slap him in the face if I ever get to see him. Sorry. I said. She shook her head, Ill just be in my room, She said, I have movies to watch. And I watched her walk away.

~6~
I want a love that will last
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-Renee Olstead, A love that will last

Robbie and I started hanging out after that day in his house. Well, not really hang-out hang-out, but we saw each other often. Sometimes Id stop by his place, other times wed call each other and talk. It wasnt like my other relationshipsfiery at first, then the following day, its like you didnt know each other anymore. It was different with Robbie, though. That afternoon, I was about to leave the house to go to this wedding expo (Im a common fixture at those stuff, too. Not that Im getting married soon; I just enjoy being there) when someone knocked on the door. Just a sec! I called out as I went down the stairs. I opened the door and was surprised to find Mark there. Mark. I said. He then pursed his lips to the guy beside him: Robbie, standing there, looking fidgety. Robbie, hey I greeted. He wanted to see you, Mark said, in hushed tones, So, yeah, I brought him here. Oh, I said, Hi, Robbie. I-Im s-sorry for barging in, I just Robbie said. Its okay, I said, meaning it. Y-you look like youre going somewhere, sorry, I shouldve called, Ill No, no, no, I said, holding his hand, Its okay. Im actually going to an exhibit, you can come with me. Youreyoure sure about that? Of course I am, I smiled. Ill bring you guys there. Im done with my work for the day, anyway. Mark offered. No, its okay, we can take a cab, I said, closing the door behind me. Nah, He said, I insist. After all, hes my responsibility. He told me silently. Oh, I said, Okay then I smiled at Robbie, Lets go? He just nodded his head, WillWill there be many people? 24

No, not much, I said, Dont worry, Im here. Ookay. He said, without looking at me and we went inside Marks car, going away. *** I super like Grecian dresses, theyre very elegant, I told Robbie as we were in front of a mannequin wearing a Grecian-inspired dress, But I dont think Id wear them on my wedding dayIm thinking more of a Pristine cut one Areare y-you g-getting married soon? Robbie asked. Oh, no, I answered, I dont have a boyfriend so I really dont think I could get married soonThis is just one of my weird obsessions, wedding expos, wedding things Hello, beautiful people, One of the usherettes greeted as as we walked by, Wedding prep? We have packages here Thanks, I smiled, But he and I, I paused, Arent together Oh, The usherettes face fell, You look good together, you know? Dating? She smiled. T-thats not a good thing, Robbie said, You j-just cant assume things. Uh-oh, I thought and smiled to his rescue, My friend is just having a bad day I told the usherette silently. Oh. She said, Well then, have a good day. I smiled a bit and we continued walking, my hand linked to his arm. Y-you didnt have to tell her I was having a bad day, I enjoy being with you, I w-wanted to see you I know, Rob, I said, Butit would be complicated telling them all about your condition Are you ashamed? No, I said, Its just that not everyones smart enough to handle it, you know what I mean? He just nodded his head nervously.

25

Come on, I told him, Lets not waste our time on thatThere are beautiful flowers out there I said and pointed to the pathway with different flower arrangements. I held his hand and we went there. I love Pink Roses, I told him as we stopped by a grand Pink Rose arrangement. Ive never really been a fan of red ones, you know? Theyre too common. II agree, He said, You know, my mom used to have a Rose garden, and there were no Red Roses. Wow, I exclaimed, Really? Y-yes, He answered as we continued walking, Her favorite were the Blue ones Blue Roses! I exclaimed, Theyre rare, and fragile, too, I might add, but very beautiful, which reminds me, I said, I found a dried Rose in the Alice book you gave me Oh, yes, my mom used to do that, press Roses on books That was Blue, I suppose? He nodded his head, I t-think it was. I smiled, I wouldve loved to have met your mom. I think she will like you, if she was alive Youre lucky though, I told him, Someones watching you from above He smiled a bit. So, what happened to your moms Rose garden? N-no one was able to keep it alive, He answered, A-and eventuallyI had to leave the house, I couldnt pay for the mortgage Im sorry, I said softly, Wheres your dad, by the way? Heleft us whenw-hen he f-found out about my condition. What an asshole! I said. Its okay, dont worry. He doesnt deserve a son like you, you know? II wanna meet him, though. Why?

26

To see how he is, He answered, To let him know that Im okay, but that meeting him would be good, too. But if I d-dont, then thats okay, too. Wow. Wow? Youre just a really good person, I told him, I mean, most people wouldnt wanna see their fathers, in a situation like yoursMy sister doesnt wanna see herher real father. Real father? Oh, itsMindy, sheshes the daughter of another guy. Oh, well, nevermind Oh, He just said. So, youre not angry at your dad? Im j-just sad because he left my mom, and she loved him a lotbutI dont know him, I was barely two when he left. He paused, I d-dont think you could get mad at someone you dont even know. I nodded my head. He was right. It made sense. Did you read The Wedding? He asked. Change of subject. But well, of course, well talk about books. Books are his life. Nicholas Sparks The Wedding? I asked. Y-yes, thatI just r-remembered coz we are in this wedding expo Oh, yes, I told him, One of my favoritesI always wished for my own Noah Calhoun, I mean, yes, the book is about Jane and Wilson, but in the end, theres still Noah and Allie And the swan. Yes, the swan, I said and smiled, It was beautiful, wasnt it? I wonder if there are still guys like that. I then looked at him, Wellmaybe there still are some I squeezed his arm. And for the first time, I saw him smile. Not just a simple, nervous smile, but a real oneYou know, with the eyes lighting up and stuff. And tell you what, For the first time in a long time, I found myself smiling that way, too.

27

~7~
"No matter how bad things get, it can always get worse." - Cinderella's stepmom., Ever After

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I gave Mark and Robbie a little wave before I heard the car going away and I opened the door of Leighs house. I found Leigh just getting off the windowsill and Mindy sitting by the sofa, again, legs sprawled on the center table. Was that Mark? Leigh asked. Yes, I answered. Ooh, Scandalous! Oh, hey, wait, Im not, I said, He just dropped me off, hes bringing Robbie home, theyre cousins, remember? Whoa, Mindy said, Well, you shouldve congratulated him, then Congratulated him? I asked, confused, Why? Kims pregnant. Leigh answered. Wow, I said, How far along is she? A few weeks? A month or so? Mindy laughed, A month? She repeated, No! Almost five months now Five? I said, surprised, Five months? And shes only been married for what? Almost two? Wow, I muttered, I cant believe it. I mean, after all her stance against doing it before marriage? Wow. Well, lifes full of surprises Leigh jibed and we laughed. She went on, She took a leave from the office and said that, well, shes expecting. Lucky for her, its quite a small pregnancy so she pulled off getting married without anyone noticingbut now shes showing so Her hormones were pretty nasty, if you ask me I said, sitting next to Mindy who laughed so hard. Someone then knocked on the door. Ill get it, I told them. I opened the door and saw Drakes friends-Leo and Zach, holding Drake by their shoulders. Christ, what happened? Leigh asked as she saw them, and helped them in. He got really drunk, Zach explained, He saw Pia with another guy and he just becamereally, really mad, and depressed all over again. Pia? Leigh asked, What happened? Theyve broken up, I answered. Carolines going for Kims husband! Mindy said loudly,

29

Oh. Pia said, Come on then, bring him to his roomIll get some ice and stuff, Minds, help them. But Mindy was already by the stairs, allowing the guys to go up, So bad he didnt ask me for tips when it comes to drinking! She quipped. Leigh shot her a dagger look. Sorry. She winked and we all brought Drake to his room. Pia Drake muttered, half-asleep. Ssh, I said, Youll be fine. I held his hand.

~8~
"..In my head I wanna drown my sorrow, no tomorrow, no tomorrow"

30

-Tears for fears, Mad World

The following morning, my brother, Drake, went to the dining room, holding his head. I poured some coffee in his mug. Figured you needed something to perk you up, I smiled. He smiled a little, Thanks. He said and sat down across me. You okay? He nodded his head, Just a little hung-over Must be, I said and drank some coffee, You were so wasted! Sorry. He said. Dont be. I told him. Wheres Leigh? He asked. She went out early, but shell be back by lunch, she just texted meAnd Mindys in her room, painting. I answered, I, however, Im not going anywhere. He looked at me. What happened? I asked. We were texting, He told me, And then she asked me where I was, and I told her I was at this restaurantthen asked her if she wanted to come. Then she came, with this guy, whos like, total bogus, and they were holding hands! Goddammit, it was the place where we met! He sighed, Then I flared up and punched the dude in the faceAnd then The guys and I went to a bar and you know what happened Well, I finally said, You cant hold that against Pia But it hurt! He said, I thought shed respect thethe meaning of that place. I mean, she made a promise. It was supposed to be forever. We were supposed to be forever. Okay, I said, I know it hurts. It does, so much, doesnt it? Butthats it, Drake, she made a promise. Shes not making any now. She made those promises when you were together, not now that you no longer are. And, I said, as much as that hurts, sometimes, you just have to accept the fact thatits

31

over. I know it wont be easy, it never really is, but sometimes, things like these happen because, I paused and then, people make them happen. Peoplemake them happen? He repeated, you mean, on purpose, to make me angry or something? Yes. Whoa. He said, How do you know? I took a deep breath, Tom. I told him and his mouth gaped open before he nodded his head. Tom was my first boyfriend, the guy who gave me all my first big heartbreaks, the guy who made me flare up so much I almost swore off guys, the one whom I thought was the one. One day, a couple of months after we broke up, he went to my birthday party, another girl clinging to his arm. I was so flustered and frustrated, I wanted to kill him. Or kill the girl. Or kill them both. I was a total, emotional wreck. But, after that night, I told myself I would no longer cry for him; it would just be unfair, for me. How can someone like that deserve my tears? So, I worked my way up, buried myself in my studies, buried myself in partying, burning the phone lines, hanging out, making new friendsAnd in time, I realized that although, yes, it was quite a painful experience, and yes, he was such an ass for doing that, a part of me also knew that I couldnt hold that against himbecause we were no longer together and because the time that we shared was up. I could no longer be mad at him for dating someone else, or hanging out with someone else, and I could no longer be mad at him for what he did because then, what if it was me who wavered first? Bottomline is, in life, most things come to an end. Was it hard? Drake asked, You know, with Tom? Definitely, I answered, You sure know I was devastated. But the thing is, Drake, thats it, you cant hold on to this bitterness and anger forever. You have to try to let go, and move on, no matter how long it might takebecause, sooner or later, youll realize that things like that happen all the time. And, in every

32

relationship youd make, or that will happen to you, theres always that certainty that it could end. You could only hope for the best, you know? Im not sure if Ill be okay. He said. You wont be, I said, then he looked at me, surprised. I went on, But youll be betterGreater. He then smiled, How do you know? Youre my brother, I said, Youll get through this.

~9~
At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just not
33

facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls. And sometimes... all you need is one. Peyton Sawyer, One Tree Hill
Later that day, Mindy, Drake and I came home from the grocery when I found someone standing in our front porch, holding a bouquet of Pink Roses, and was, in every way, shaky and fidgety. It was Robbie. I instantly ran to him and almost dropped the bag of groceries I was holding (thank God Drake caught it). Robbie? I said, Oh my God, are you okay? How did you get here? II took a c-cab He answered. Why didnt you call me? I asked and noticed that Mindy has opened the door. I took Robbie in with me while Mindy and Drake went to the dining room. Im s-sorry I didnt call, I wanted to surprise youIs today a bad day? No, I said, No, of course not These are for you, He said as he handed me the bouquet of Roses. I smelled it and smiled, Thank you, I told him, Theyre beautiful. I just wanted to say that, He said, a bit nervously, thatII like you. You do? He nodded his head, Y-yes, He said, II know books areare my life, that I talk about them all the time, andand I may not know whatw-what love isbutBut I enjoy being with you. I l-like t-talking to you, I like those little conversations we have, I like every single time we spent together, and hhopefully w-will spend togetherAnd II dont really know what youd think of that or or of m-me. B-but I like you, and that is justthats how I feel. I know Im different and Im not like anybody else Ssh, I told him, and held his hands, I like you because youre not like anybody else. I smiled. You like me? He asked, As in, you like me, t-too?

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Yes, I do. I smiled. Wow. Wow? N-no one hashas ever told me that b-before. Ever. I tapped him on the shoulder, Its because theyre not brave enough to say so. He smiled. S-so.is this thethe part where we k-kiss? Likelike in the m-movies? I laughed and kissed him on the lips. His lips were soft. I guess I just answered your question. I smiled at him. He smiled back, IT-that wasmythats my first kiss. Oh. I exclaimed, I hope that was good then. It was, He said, R-really. And then he leaned in and kissed me. I smiled, Thats not my first, I said, But that is by far, the best.

*** Later on, Robbie and I were sitting by the sofa as I was handing him a copy of Jodi Picoults My Sisters Keeper. Its my favorite book, I told him, If you saw the movie and thought it was tragic, wait til you finish this one. Way tragic, and much more beautiful, honestly. Thanks, He smiled, Do you like tragic stories? A lot, I said, I mean, life for me isnt all about happy endings and stuff and yes, I do believe in hopes and dreams, pixie dust, those things, buttheres this part of me who could relate to tragedy. Life is a tragedy He muttered. Yeah, I said, But you know, there are good stuff, like you. I nudged him. He smiled, Are you sure about us? Of course, I answered, Why wont I be?

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Before he could say anything else, my sister, Leigh went inside the house. You guys home? She called out then saw us at the sofa. Oh, hey, She greeted, Robbie, right? Robbie stood up and shook Leighs hand nervously, H-hi, I was just vvisiting Thats okay, Leigh smiled and noticed that he was holding a copy of My Sisters Keeper, Thats Carols favorite book. Leigh said, My sisters tragic. She winked. Oh, Robbie said. Shes just joking. I smiled. Oh, Robbie muttered, II actually c-came by to tell Caroline that I like her Oh, Leigh said. Enough with the Ohs please, I told them, And well, I told him I liked him, too. I smiled. Thats, Leigh said, Sweet. I smiled. This was awkward. Mainly because a revelation like this never happened in front of Leigh before, or in our house, for that matter, and well, because Robbie is different, literally and figuratively. A-anyway, I t-think I should go, Id just g-get a cab Robbie said. Oh, Ill go with you, I said, Wait up No, no, no, guys, Leigh said, Why dont I just drive you home, Robbie? Then Carol could come with us. Perfect! I exclaimed, Leighs the best. I told Robbie. R-really? Robbie asked Leigh, Y-you dont have to No, I want to, Leigh smiled, Shall we? Come on, I told Robbie. Thanks. Robbie said. Leigh smiled, Minds? She called out. What? Mindy shouted from her room.

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Well just be out, ok? Be back in a bit. Dont leave the house without telling Drakeor better yet, dont leave the house at all. Whatever you say, sister! Mindy shouted and we left.

~10~
If the London bridge is falling, will anybody hear a sound

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if you follow that sunset will it ever end oh, does the moonlight shine on Paris will it ever end.. Peter Mayer, Moonlight Over Paris
We were on our way back home when Leigh and I started talking. Hes a lovely man, Leigh said while driving. He is. I smiled from the backseat. So, She said, You told him you liked him? Yes. Andthats the truth, right? Yeah. You know about his condition I do. So She said, Hows that? Well, its part of him, I answered, And to be quite honest, Leigh, I have no idea whats gonna happen in the long run. I mean, I like being with him, not just because hes different, and hes really not like the other guys, but because being with him feels likelike Im beginning to know what I really wanna do. And what is that? I dont know, I said, Be a counselor or somethingI know it took me a while to figure that out but all these time Ive been spending with him, its like, it makes me want to help people Does he know? About that? Yeah, and about you being a Psych grad and all Well, we havent really talked about it, but its no big deal Silence and then, Did he tell you he loves you? No, I answered, He told me frankly that he didnt know what love isbut who does?

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I saw Leigh smile from the side mirror. Leigh, hes not like everyone else, and I like him for it. I know you do, Leigh said. You know, people with Aspergers go on with their lives well, they have families, jobs, those stuff I said, So, Im not worried about that. We will never be like all these other couples, but thats fine. Hes good enough for me. More than good enough. He makes me dream, you know? He keeps me believing, he justhe has so much faith in me. Im happy for you, C, She said, You know I am. I just hope thatthat you wont get heartbroken. Or that he wont. Thanks, Leigh, I said, Its gonna be fine. I dont know what the future holds butits gonna be fine.

~11~
Love doesnt always come in convenient packages. -Anonymous

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A few months passed and Robbie and I were happy. Sure, it wasnt easy being his girlfriend: There were the occasional calls at wee hours of the night just because he wants to discuss a book, there were days when Id go on about how my day was, and hed only want to eat cookies, or talk about the latest bestseller, but it didnt change the fact that I liked him. A lot. He still hasnt told me he loves me, and I havent either, but sometimes in life, words arent really that important. Whats important is how you feel, and what you do with it, and with the people you love. It was almost 2am when I heard my phone ring. Hello? I answered groggily. Carol? Robbie said on the other end, Hey, I read a couple more Picoult books, theyre all good, I wonder why I never read any before, aside from My Sisters Keeper, what else is your favorite? Oh, I just said. Oh. He said too, Oh, Ims-sorry, you mustve been sleeping, I didnt mean to bother you, I j-justSorry. No, no, dont be, I said, Im just really tired butwhy dont we see each other tomorrow, Robbie? Would you like that? Yes, yes, of course, Im sorry. Its okay, I said, Get some rest, okay? Yeah, you too. He said and then, Sorry I didnt know t-thatI forgot I havent told you it was my moms death anniversary today. Oh, sorry. I said, I didnt know. Would you like to talk about it? No, its fine, He answered, Carol? Yes? Sorry if its hard being with me. Its not, Robbie, I said. It is. He said, But thank youforfor s-staying with me. You dont have to thank me. Goodnight, Carol.

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Goodnight, Robbie. *** We were talking by my porch the following afternoon, cookies and Mango shakes with us, when I asked him some things Ive been meaning to ask him all along. Robbie, I said, Hows Mark as a cousin? Heshes good. Did he everuhmdid he ever badmouth you about you condition? Never, He answered, II know he seems l-like a jerk, and yeah, I tthought about that, too, but hes a good guy, deep down. Or else my m-mom wouldnt have trusted him. I smiled. Who knew? I nodded my head. I never thought Mark was this responsible. Not until I got to know you. He smiled a bit, He has hishis bad days, you know? Especially when we were teens, but he has always been dependable when it comes to me. Aalways. Thats good to know. I said and then, Andyour mom? Why did she die? Cancer, He answered, Brain Cancer. Im sorry. He shook his head, We all die in the end. He looked at me. Yeah, we all do. I muttered, Soyou lived alone since she died? No, uhm, for a year I lived with Mark, t-then I got the apartment I nodded my head, You miss her, dont you? A lot. He answered, She was my bestfriend. Youre lucky you still have your mom. I smiled a little and drank some Mango shake. Are youare you close with your mom? He asked.

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Well, not really, I answered, Honestly, Rob, we havent had a decent conversation in a while. Sheswell, busybusy with hanging out with her rich friends, busy with her what-nots and stuffShe uhmShes not so proud of me. Why? Because I messed up with my life. We all mess up. Yes, I said, Butsometimes, when things are expected of you, and you let people down, they wouldnt forget it so easily. T-that must be tough. Yeah, I answered, Im lucky I have my siblings, though. Is it fun? He asked, Havingh-having them all? Most days, I smiled, I mean, those who live in this house, yes, butnot Kim, really. She and I never got along too well. Opposites. Yeah, thats what we are. What about your dad? I looked at him and then, Its complicated. Hes uhm, he hasnt been so well sincesince mom admitted to having an affair with someone back then, since she admitted that Mindys not his daughter. I took a deep breath, Its hard, both for him and Mindy. And its sad because they used to be real close. It aint so easy seeing your family fall apart Sorry. Nah, dont be. I told him, Things happen. Do you ever wish youyou were born to a different family? Sometimes, I said, It would be so hypocritical of me to say otherwise. But, this is life, you know? You dont always get what you want. And you just have to deal with what you have. Besides, we did have our happy moments, and Ill always hold on to thoseEven if it might not be the same anymore. T-theyre lucky t-to have you. I just smiled.

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*** I gave Robbie a peck on the cheek as we went out the front door. Mark came to pick him up. Ill see you again, okay? I told him, and thanks for the cookies, they were really good. He nodded his head, T-thanks, too, He said, Bye. Bye. I said and waved goodbye. Hey, Mark told me as Robbie walked away and went inside the car. Hey. I shot back. He put his hands in his pockets, He really enjoys being with you, you know? I enjoy being with him, too. He nodded his head and glanced at Robbie, then turned back to me, Listen, He said, Can we meet up tomorrow? I looked at him, confused. I wanna talk about Robbie. He said. Oh, I muttered, Yeah, sure. Caf Luna, you know, that coffeeshop near his place? Around 6:30 pm? Yeah, Ill be there. Thanks, He said, See you. And then he went inside the car and drove away. *** The day after that, Mark and I met up at the coffeshop. He ordered two mocha frappucinos and we sat down. So, I asked after sipping some coffee, What did you want to see me for? What about Robbie? I know he loves you, He said, He may not be saying it, but I know he does. AndI know you feel something for him, too. And really, I wanna thank

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you becausebecause youre making him happy...but, He paused, I do hope you know what youre doing, and thatthat its not just a game for you. Of course its not, I said. Sorry if you feel like Im misjudging you, Carol, its just thatRobbies like my brother, his mom asked me to look after him shortly before she died and And I wouldnt be able to bear seeing him suffer. Look, Mark, I love him, I said, surprised at my own words, And trust me, I wont do anything to hurt him. He means so much to me. He smiled and sipped some coffee, I also dont want you getting hurt, you know? I mean, because of his conditionHes a wonderful guy, definitely, but I know his condition makes things complicated for you, He said, And for that, Im sorrybutbut please, Carol, be patient with him. Remember why you enjoy being with him when it gets hard. Andwhatever happens, Im just around for you both. I smiled, Thanks, I said, Dont worry too much. He smiled back. You know what, Mark? I said, I never thought you could care about anyone this much. Really, this surprises me He laughed, We just didnt get to know each other that much, He said, But thats fineat least, you met Rob. He smiled. I smiled back, So, how are you and Kim? Were good, He answered, I mean, sure, her hormones are pretty awful, especially since shes pregnant, but I guess thats how it goesSorry, by the way, for what happened at the wedding Thats okay, I said, Not okay, okay, but its donebesides, it was a blessing in disguise. I met Robbie. He laughed, That you did. We were still chatting when someone pulled my hair from behind. You fucking whore! AW-wait

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Kim! I heard Mark shout and pull the woman from behind. Sure, it was Kim, looking flustered, her blonde hair a mess (funny how shes the only one whos blonde, all of us are brunettes), and her eyes flaring with anger as she held her now big tummy. Leigh was behind her, too, pulling her back, as well. Kim?! I said, What the hell? Im so sorry, Leigh said, I told her not to come and Shut up, Alicia! Kim screamed, the customers looking at her, Youre saying sorry to her?! She then turned to me, She should say sorry to me! Trying to steal my husband from under my nose, youre a slut, Caroline! What? I said, trying to digest her words. Kimmie! Mark said, embarrassed and mad at the same time, What are you doing?! What am I doing? She said as she looked at him, What are you doing?! She asked sarcastically, Youre having an affair with my sister CAROLINE AND I ARENT HAVING AN AFFAIR! Then why are you seeing each other? I just wanted to talk to her about Robbie, theyre seeing each other! Kim then looked at me, Youre dating Robbie? You whore! She said, And then what? Youre going to leave him and go for Mark? KIMMIE, STOP! Mark shouted. YOU STOP! Kim shouted back and looked at me again, Robbies sick, you slut, hes different, hes Yes, hes different, I said, But I dont care. I love him. You do?! What do you know about love, huh? You dont know anything, youre trying to take advantage ofof a sick guy KIM! Mark said. Kim went on, Hes different! You shouldnt go play with his emotions, hes a sick guy He may be sick in your eyes, Kim, I said, but to me, hes perfect. And he has more heart than you do. Oh, and you know what, Kim? Maybe you should stop being paranoid because then youll see that not everyones out there to get

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you, because seriously? No one would want to live a life like yours. I said then stormed out of the coffee shop. *** Carol! Leigh called out after me as we arrived at home, Carol, wait She said as she gripped me by the arm. Mindy went out of the dining room. Tell your freakin sister, I said sarcastically, That she should tart seeing a shrink. Or whatever. Just stop being such a bitch to me. Im sorry, She said, I tried to stop Kim from going to the caf but she still didShe must be having a tough time with the pregnancy I wouldnt be doing what shes doing if I got pregnant. Carol, Why does she think Im always on her case? I asked, What have I done to her? Im sorry. Leigh said. I sighed, Its not your fault. I then heard my phone ring and I took it from my bag. Hello? I greeted, sounding resigned. Carol? It was Robbie. Hey, uhm, I was just re-reading Eleven Minutes and For Gods sake, Robbie, you cant just call me all the time just so you could discuss a book! Oh, s-sorry, IIm sorry. No, no, no, I said, trying to calm myself down, It wasnt your faultIts just a bad day, Kim was accusing me of trying to steal Mark S-should I call Mark? Or Kim? No, dont, its okay, Im okay, I said, Ill just call you later, okay? Okay. And then I shut down my phone. God, I hate Kim! I said then ran to my room.

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~12~
i'm getting old and I need something to rely on this could be the end of everything, so why don't we go, somewhere only we know.. -Keane, Somewhere only we know

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Carol? Robbie said as he answered my call. Hey, I said silently, Sorry about what I said a while ago No, you were right, He said, Itsits not g-good trying to call people all the time just t-to discuss a book, I didnt know youyou were havin a b-bad day Sorry, I told him, I shouldnt have taken it out on you. IllIll t-try to be m-more knowing of your n-needs next time Its alright, Robbie, I told him, It really wasnt your fault. Kims a bitch. He didnt say anything, Sorry. I muttered. Its okay, you could tell me anything. I have no idea how her mind works, you know? I told him, Shes always beenreally bitchy when it comes to me. Always. Since we were little girls. AndAnd sometimes, like today, I just have no idea how to handle her. Accusing me of getting together with Mark! God. C-could I do anything to make it better? I took a deep breath, Can you sing me to sleep? Y-yeah, He said, Of c-course.. He started singing Keanes Somewhere only we know and minutes later, I drifted off to sleep.

~13~
When you get what you want thats when youve got something to lose. Anna Stern, The OC
A couple of days passed and things seemed to come back to the way they were, except for the fact that Mark and Kim were nowhere in sight, and I couldnt even care less. I was tinkering with my laptop that day, talking to clients via one of my online shops when someone knocked on the door. Wait, I said and went to open it. It was Mark. 48

What are you doing here? I asked him, Maybe your wife would be here again soon. Shes still your sister. He said. I sighed and told him to come in, What do you need? I just wanted to say sorry. He said and looked at me, What Kim did was wrong. I have no excuses about that but, He went on, I talked to her, asked her what was really wrong, why she did that and And what? He paused and then, And she saidshe said she never really knew why butbut you have always seemed likea threat to her. A reminder of everything bad in her life. Of everything she didnt get. Oh, wow, now shes an actress, I said sarcastically, Seriously? Cant she think of anything better? I mean, come on, Mark, she has everything. Shes smart, she has this big house she can live in anytime, she has you, she has moms attention But she doesnt have many friends, He interrupted, She doesnt feel so loved by everyone. She may have your moms attention, yes, but she feels like, like she only gives her the time of the day because she is what she is, do you get it? Because she seems perfect, and smart, and all these stuffBecause she can give them what they think they want. He went on, but its not like that. To her, it never was. She always wanted your fathers attention, and she never really got it, because, she was busy trying to impress your mom. And, she saidshe never got a lot of suitors because they were into you, or to Leighor even Mindy. I didnt know what to make of that but I tried to pacify myself, Tell her, I said, that it doesnt matter now because she got everything she ever wanted. Carol, she doesnt think she did. Oh and now shes having this pity-party so she could give reasons for what she did? Carol, shes pregnant, shes hormonal She has been hormonal for all our lives! I am trying to explain her side, He said, Shes my wife.

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I sighed, Did she ever say she was sorry? That she was wrong? That she shouldve tried to talk to me in a mellower way? That she shouldve trusted you? And me? No, but See thats the problem, Mark, I said, She never admits shes wrong. Her head is so up there. I know that, He said, But Im trying to understand. Shes justhaving a hard time right now. I didnt say anything. He changed the subject, How are you and Robbie? Good. I said. Kim was just Dont tell me she was worried. Right, He said, I wont. He then took a deep breath, I know its hard right nowbut, shes your sister. Always will be. You know what, Mark? I said, I may have grown up with her, but I never felt like she was my sister. He shoved his hands in his pockets, Will you want to talk to her? I dont know. I said, Maybe when she gets back to her senses. I know she wont say the word, He said, But I could see that shes sorry. I am, too, I said, For trying to think that shes smarter than me. That she understands better than me. Carol, I sighed, Fine. I said, Just because youre a good lawyer, I said with quotation marks in the air, Id try to understand heror at least, try to see past through what shes done. I just have no idea ifif that would make anything better. He nodded his head, Im sorry, for what she did. I just bit my lip and took a deep breath, Justjust take care of her, I said, Make sure she and the baby are okay.

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He nodded his head. Would you wanna eat anything? No, He said, I shall get going. Okay. I muttered. Sorry again. It wasnt your fault. Bye. Yeah, bye.

~14~
A house doesnt make a home -U2, Sometimes you cant make it on your own
For some reason, mom and dad wanted to spend Sunday Brunch with us. I think, it was more of mom wanting to spend Sunday Brunch with us to tell us not to get on Kims nerves so much and she just tagged dad along. Dad never wants to do so many things anymore, even seeing us. Mom sipped some wine, So, this house seems small for all for of you She said in her usual all-knowing tone. 51

Mom, can you skip the wine? Leigh asked silently, I prepared some juice because Mindys Yeah, yeah, yeah, Mom said, waving her hand, Who knows she might be in rehab again soon? She quipped. Mindy was sitting across her. I looked at Mindy and saw that she was trying to control her temper. Drake looked fidgety, too. So, Mom started again, Drake, dear boy, hows school? Fine, Drake said, Almost flunked Bio but it went by fine Flunkings not okay! Mom said. Frankly, this was one of her hypocritical momentsshe barely passed college, just got in through appeal, and went out through appeal, as well. Mom, its okay, Drake said, I mean come on, Im in the Varsity team. Dad, Im in the varsity team, hows that? Good. Dad muttered, his eyes not even landing at Drake. Drake looked at me and I shrugged. And your girlfriend, how is she? Mom asked. Drake almost spitted what he was drinking. Theyve broken up. I said, Its been a few months now. A few months?! Mom asked, Why? What did you do? Come on, mom, I said, You cant blame us for every relationship that ended. What if its the other partys fault? She shook her head, You guys just dont know how to handle a relationship. Oh, please. I said sarcastically. Carol, Leigh muttered. Dad do you want some bread? No, Im okay. Dad said. He hasnt eaten anything! Mom took a deep breath, So, anyway, I was at Kim and Marks place yesterday and she looks like shes ready to pop, She went on, And then she told me about what happened at this coffee shop She looked at me, Caroline, why were you with Mark in the first place? What did Kim tell you?

52

That you were with Mark, She answered, Every married woman would do what she did. Mom, come on, I said, Stop trying to justify Kims behavior. Do you have any idea how many people were there? Do you know what she called me? She called me a whore, a slut Oh, stop with the nasty words. Jeez, mom, really? I said mockingly, Like, Kim ever told you she had a meltdown, at my expense? She told those words to me, mom, hello, Im your daughter, too. She rolled her eyes. Where are you going, Miranda? She asked as Mindy stood up from her seat, Im not done with you yet. Why? Mindy finally spoke, What are you gonna say? That Im a useless, stupid alcoholic? That you never wanted me as your daughter? That that guy made you have me? Mindy, mom, stop Leigh said. Dad accidentally dropped a glass of water. No, Leigh, I want her to admit it. Mindy said. Its none of your business, Mom said. It is my business because Im your daughter! Mindy shouted. Dad stood up, Lets go. He told my mom roughly. What, mom?! Mindy shouted. I held her. We should go. Mom said after what seemed like a while of silence and then she turned her back on us and went out the door. Dad gave us all one last look before following mom. Oh, we have the best parents! Nice Sunday Brunch! Mindy said sardonically then went up to her room, slamming the door. Leigh took a deep breath, Drake, help me clean this up. I cant believe them, Drake said. Well, you should. I said, What a great family we have. Leigh looked at me.

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What? I asked and she didnt give me an answer. I didnt even bother waiting for one.

~15~
"I am lost to you now there's no amout of reason to save me" -jewel, break me
The following day, I went over Robbies place. He said he wanted to see me. And honestly, it was a good break from everything thats happened in the

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past weeksKims meltdown, moms tirades, you know how it went. I rang the doorbell and seconds later, he opened the door for me, wearing a white longsleeved top and some black slacks. Hi, He greeted. Hey, I smiled, Looking formal, mister He smiled back and led me in. I was surprised. The whole living room was dark, except for the electric candles on the floor and on the center table, and what seemed like Christmas light bulbs all over the place. Loads of draperies were covering the seats and were hanging from the ceiling and there were Pink and Blue Roses everywhere. You made this? I asked him, my eyes wide with glee. He nodded his head and handed me a bouquet of Blue Roses, Theyre exquisite likey-you. He smiled. You shouldnt have I said. It d-doesnt matter. He said. Thank you. I smiled. I love you. He said, trying to look me in the eye, even if to him, and because of his condition, Andand Im s-sorry it took me a while to say t-that. Youre t-the best thing thats ever come into my life. Andand e-even if Im not p-perfect Stop, I said, Youre perfect. I smiled and led his hand to my chest, Hear that? I said, My heart says I love you. I love you, Robbie. He looked at me and I looked at him and in that moment, everything was perfect, there was no world, no other people, just us. His hand was still on my chest when I put mine in his and we kissed. It was a long, soft, passionate kiss. I smiled at him and started caressing himhis hair, his neck and he did the same to me, too. I started undoing the buttons on his shirt and as it went off, he carried me to his room, undid the ties on my dress and let it slip off me. He carried me to bed, kissed me tenderly, and undid the zip on my bra and my underwear and I did the same to his pants and his underwear, as well. There we were, two naked

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people, all alone. He kissed me on the forehead, the eyelids, the nose, the lips as he was touching every part of my body delicately. I love you, He said. I love you, too. I shot back and then we joined as one, and I had never felt more loved and more wanted than before. With him, I was safe. We made love several times that afternoon, lost in thought.

~16~
"She's his yellow brick road leading him on going down to nowhere... in my mind everything we did was right open your eyes i'll still be by your side" -Michelle Branch, Something to sleep you

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I opened up my eyes to the sight of Robbie stroking my hair gently. We were covered in his sheets. Hi, He smiled. Hello, I smiled back. Youre beautiful. He said and I kissed him. Itit was my first t-time, you know? Doing it He said. I looked at him, It was mine, too. He looked shocked. I laughed, Surprised? I j-just n-never thoughtWhy? I shrugged, holding him even more tightly, I guess, I was just waiting for the right time, I said, And the right one. He kissed me on the forehead, D-did you ever see the film when Harry met Sally? Yeah, I said, confused, Why? R-remember when Harry said that whenw-when you meet the person you want to spend the rest of your life w-with, y-you want the rest of your life t-to start immediately? Yeah, I said, looking at him. II t-think I w-want to start the rest of my l-life already. He then opened the drawer near the bed and took out a red little box, you know, where they put accessories and stuff. He opened it and out came a beautiful ring with an Opal gem on top of it. It looked so beautiful, so classic. M-my mother left this in my possession and told me tot-to give it to the woman II w-wanna marry. AndI wanna give it toto you. He looked at me and took the ring out of its box. I love you, Caroline, w-will you marry me? I looked at him and felt like I was about to cry, Yes! I said and hugged him, Yes, I wanna marry you, too. I smiled. He hugged me and put the ring on my finger, I-Im s-sorry its not diamond

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I shook my head, I dont care what it is, I said, Ill marry you in a heartbeat. Are youare you really sure? I nodded my head, I love you. I said. I love you more. He shot back. Lets meet up with our families tomorrow at Leighs place, would that be okay? Tomorrow? Yes, I answered, Well announce our engagement. We will? Yes, I told him, I want them all to know were getting married. D-do you think theyll agree? Y-your p-parents? Theyll love you, I said, And if they dont, I dont care. Id still be marrying you. Youre the best thing I have, you know? He smiled meekly, I love you. I love you, too.

~17~
..You learned my secrets and you Figured out why Im bothered, You say well never my parents mistakes.. we got bills to pay, we got nothin figured out" -Taylor Swift, Mine
The following day, my parents, Leigh, Mindy and Drake alongside with Mark were with me and Robbie at Leighs place. Hours before, I kept telling Robbie to calm down, not worry so much and that it will all be fine, thought, 58

honestly, Ive been trying to pacify myself, too. I know how my mom could get, but nows not the time to be pessimistic. And besides, whatever happens, Im still going to marry him. Mark was the last to arrive. Hi, He greeted us all, I was gonna tag Kim along but she opted not to go Figures. I muttered and mom shot me a dagger look. Anyway, I said, Were all here today becauseRobbie and I have an announcement to make. I squeezed Robbies hand and he looked at me nervously. We He said, stuttering, Wew-were Were getting married! I finished for him with a big smile on my face. Drake was the first to react, Whoa, hey, congrats! He said and he shook Robbies hand. Another wedding! Mindy quipped, Yay, margaritas! I laughed. Congrats, man, Mark said as he stood up and tapped Robbie on the shoulder, You surprised me, huh? Robbie just tried to smile. Thats, Leigh said, Thats good news She smiled, Whens the big day? Oh, no, we dont really have a date, yet, but soon, definitely, I answered, And youll be our maid of honor! She smiled, though I can see in her eyes that she was worried, Id love to. She said. And..a-and Mark will be the best man Robbie said. Of course Ill be. Mark jolted. And Id take care of all the details I smiled. Now your wedding fantasies are coming true! Leigh said. Sure are. I smiled then realized my parents still havent said a thing, Mom? Dad? Congrats. Dad muttered silently, not taking his eyes off his water goblet.

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Mom then sighed, Is this your idea of a joke? She finally said, Getting married? Seriously? Yes, we are, mom. I said. And why? II l-love your daughter, Robbie spoke, Andand s-she agreed. Oh, sorry, honey, but sometimes Caroline could make crazy decisions Mom, its not a crazy decision, I sighed, I love Robbie. Caroline, stop playing. Mom, they really are together, Leigh said, And theylove each other. Oh, Lord, mom said, Wait, She then looked at Robbie and studied his face, Youre the sick boy, arent you? II h-have Aspergers, itsits h-high functioning Autism Autism! My mom gasped, Oh, Lord. Barbara, Mark said. He and Kim may be married but he still likes calling my mom by her first name. Robbies a fine guy, I grew up with him. Well, I can see he seems like a good person, Mom said, but thats no reason for marriage. She took a deep breath, Caroline, youve proven your point, you could get engaged, but you dont have to go marry him just so Mom, cant you see? I said, interrupting her, I love Robbie, he loves me. Were getting married. This aint about proving a point or something. Caroline, M-maybe we s-shouldI s-should go home Robbie muttered, his hands shaking. No, Robbie, dont, I said then looked at mom. Yes, honey, please go home, Caroline and I have to talk. Ooh, drama, Mindy quipped. Mom, please. Leigh said. MOM! I said out loud. Id just bring Robbie home, Mark announced. Mark, Its okay. He told me silently.

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I kissed Robbie on the cheek, Im sorry, I whispered, Ill call you, okay? He merely nodded his head. Lets go. Mark said as he held Robbie and they went out the door. I took a deep breath. Ill just be outside, Dad announced. I wonder how he could be like this so calm (or pretending to be), souncaring, not mindful of whats going on. Then I remembered that he wasnt like this beforehe just started being this way when mom admitted having an affair with their former gardener who turned out to be Mindys dad. Dad, do you wanna play basketball? Drake asked, but Dad didnt answer. Come on, Drake, lets go buy some food Mindy said. Minds, no alcohol, okay? Leigh asked. Oh, she wont listen to you. Mom said. Ill listen to her more than Ill ever listen to you. Mindy said and pushed Drake out the door. What is wrong with her? Mom asked. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! I retorted. Caroline, dont use that tone on me. Could you have been any more rude? I said, Hes my fianc, mom. I have no idea what youre doing, Caroline, She said, Hes sick. Its Aspergers. Its a condition. People like him get married, have kids, get on top of their careers... He couldnt even look me in the eye. She said. Its part of how he is, I said, He looked me in the eye yesterday though it was very hard for him. He gave you an Opal ring. She said, Opal, not diamond. Is that even important? I asked, He gave me a ring, his mothers ring, do you know how much that means to him. You never dreamed of having an Opal ring as your engagement ring. You have no idea what I want.

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Honey, I just want whats best for you. Really? I said sarcastically, Or you only want whats best for you? She sighed, Leigh, did you ever try to talk her out of this? Mom, shes old enough to know what shes doing, Leigh said, And they love each other. But that guy isnt normal Mom, can you even hear yourself right now? I asked, Hes gonna be your son in law. How are you going to bring up your would be family? Youre both incompetent Mom! Leigh said, Come on, Caroline needs us right now, why cant you just support her? Mom looked from Leigh to me and then, Because I dont want Caroline to screw this up again, like she did with her life. Mom, Leigh said silently. You know what? I said, Enough. I dont care if youve got a marriage that go fucked up, mom, because you fucked it up. Im getting married. I love Robbie, hear that? I LOVE HIM. Do you even know what love means? No, maybe not, right? So, I dont care. He and I are getting married, and I couldnt care less if you attend or not. I then went up to my room and locked the door.

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~18~
"sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead" -Adele, Someone like You
Hey, I said as Robbie answered his phone later that evening, Please dont hang up. II w-wont. He said. Im really sorry about my mom, I said, Shes justcrazy sometimes. Very judgmental. Shell come around S-she doesnt like me. Its not like that, I said, And for the record, she doesnt like me, too. I laughed a little. Robbie, I love you. I love you, too. Will you still want to marry me? I asked. I-if you want to marry me, too

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I have no reason not to. B-but your mom? Ill deal with that soon. I said, Robbie, hows Mark? Is he mad? No, heshes not. He just said t-thatthat it could be tough. Im sorry. I love you. He said, One dayone day Ill be p-perfect, too. You already are. I said, And dont worry, well be alright. II believe you. I love you, I said, Okayyou could get some rest now, Robbie, it was a tough afternoon Please do, too. I will. I said. I love you, Carol. I love you, too. And then the line went dead. I then started dialing Marks number, wishing he would pick up and wishing Kim wont make a fuss about it. Caroline? He said. I heard sounds from the TV in the background. Wheres Kim? I asked. Asleep, He said. Im sorry, I said, I didnt want what happened this afternoon to happen. I know, He said, The question is, can you handle it in the long run? I know I can. I said, I love your cousin, and my moms words couldnt change that. Wont ever change that. Im worried not just about Robbie, but also about you, Caroline. Why? Because Barbaras still your mom, He said, And this is tearing you guys apart. Oh, Mark, weve always been torn apart. So, youre still marrying my cousin? Yes. He took a deep breath, Ill be glad to see you two happy.

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Thanks. I said, And Mark? Yes? Robbies not sick in my eyes, okay? I know hes not. Thanks. I said, See you. You too.

~19~
ryan: so, what do you think? Seth and Summer? Starcrossed lovers marissa: or better off just friends? ryan: destined to be together? marissa: or too dysfunctional to be together?well, only time will tell ryan: only time will tell. -The OC
Bridal magazines were scattered all over the table as Leigh and I were discussing potential gowns for the wedding. Growing up, Ive always collected bridal magazines. Leigh always thought it was weird, considering I only had two serious relationships, and countless number of almost there but not quite stuff,

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but she did like to skim through the pages, too, just to get color and pattern inspirations for her wallpaper designs. Mindy, though artistic, didnt bother with opening them. She had always been the type to shrug off stuff like these always the unconventional one, always the non-conformist, not to mention her stand about not believing in weddings. Its stupid, people just break up. She tells us. Leigh, who doesnt believe in love anymore, subtly agrees, Well, some marriages workbut yeah, most dont. That has been a topic of our conversations for years, so I could say Im lucky that Leigh agreed to go through this picking gowns thing with me. Leigh, I said, holding her hand, Thanks. She smiled, Dont mention it. She said. I smiled back. So, She said, flipping though a magazine, Have you spoken to Robbie already? Yeah, I answered, Were good. Hes alright. Sorry about mom, she said, However, although I know, her methods were wrong, I think shes also worriedRobbie is a good guy, no doubt, but its the first time someone in the familys marrying someone quitedifferent, She went on, And there are always consequences. She looked at me, What if one day, he finds out about something he doesnt like and he freaks out? Or what if, one day, you get to have children and he wouldnt know how to deal with them? I nodded my head and took a deep breath, I thought about that, I said, Ill just cross the bridge when I get there. I said. She smiled, You really love him, dont you? Yeah, I answered, So much. And I know well not be like all these couplesThere wont be a day where in he wont talk about books, or stutter, or wont be able to look me in the eyeBut, the fact that he tries to, and the fact that hes trying to understand all these things for me, is enough. More than enough. In my eyes, hes the most beautiful man out there, in and out. And I wish I have some explanation for thatbut I dont. I smiled, You know how rocky my

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life has been for the past few years, LeighI used to have everything, I was everythingand then, for some reason, its like, I lost it all. My wisdom, my youth, my grace and passion, everything. And now that hes here, its likeLike, I could finally have my life back. Like finally, I could start over. Andand I wouldnt wanna waste this chance. She nodded her head, Well, for what its worth, I want you to be happy. I smiled. So, anyway, She said, I think you should wear something Pink on your wedding. It would be perfectPink with subtle black linings, you know? That would be so you I laughed, I like the way youre thinking, dear sister, I said, I was thinking of the same thing, too. And you could wear some taffeta Oh, no, no, no, She said, No taffeta for me. I laughed, Really? Even if I plead? No! Then Id make Kim wear green Oh, no, you wouldnt, She laughed, Shed kill you. Nah, shes too up there to go to jail. And then we cracked up.

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~20~
"please don't turn this into something it's not... I still love you more than anyone else could..." -snow patrol, make this go on forever
So, pretty little swan figurines as our give-away? I asked Robbie while we were sitting down on his bed, discussing wedding plans. Bridal magazines and wedding catalogues were everywhere. Itit w-would be perfect, He answered, Then wed have butterflies and balloons on the wedding, too. Lovely, I smiled, Oh, and by the way, I chanced talking with this old colleague of mine back in college, and guess what? What? She owns this quaint, beautiful place just near the area. Its a garden with a pond, and real swansIt could be our venue. T-thats wonderful, He said, LetsL-lets meet up with her s-soon. 68

Ill schedule the appointment. I smiled. We went over the rest of the catalogues and then I stopped and looked at him. Robbie, I said, Thank you. Thank you? He asked, W-why? Because, spending time with you made me realize what I want to do with my life. I smiled, and now, I can have both, you, and my dream. W-what is it? Im planning to finally practice my profession. W-what profession? I smiled, Oh, I havent told you, I said, Im a Psychology graduate, Rob, can you believe it? Yourea what? I took up Psychology in college and I heard that, he said, a little too stiffly, Andand w-what do you wanna do? Im not exactly sure how itll go, but Im thinking of being a counselor, you know, maybe for teens or even young adults Counseling. He repeated. Yes, I smiled then noticed he looked sunken, Robbie, are you okay? I tried to hold his hand but he pushed mine away. S-so, w-what am I t-to you? A test subject? Robbie, what Y-you didnt tell me that you were aa Psych grad Robbie, Im sorry, I didnt mean toI mean, I didnt think it was a big deal and believe me, its not What was I to you? He asked, his voice shaking, A c-case study?! You spent time with me just so y-you could figure out w-what you want?! You h-had all those conversations with me just so you could get what you want? See what you want? Prove that y-youre a shrink? Huh?!

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Robbie, I didnt mean it to be that way, Im sorry, please, I said, Listen to meThat wasnt what I meant, its justIm sorry, please. I love you. No, no! He screamed as he sat on the floor, burrowing his head in his legs, No, youre a liar! You lied to me! Y-you dont love me Robbie, no, thats not true, I said, feeling the tears welling up in my eyes, I love you, you know I love you. II t-thought y-you didI thought you did! But you dontIm j-justIm just a test to youIm j-just aa piece of meat! Robbie, please, let me explain, please try to understand, I didnt mean it that way Get out! He said loudly, Go away now. Go away, go away. He was crying now. Please, Robbie, I love you Liar! Liar! He shouted, Youre happy, arent you? You f-fooled me! Stupid Robbie, Stupid!!! My tears fell down at that point. Get out! He then stood up and pushed me out of his room. Robbie, please! He locked the door and I sat down the floor, crying. I heard his muffled sobs, too. Robbie, Im sorry, I said, Please, lets fix thisI love you. You dont! He shouted, Just go away. Go away. Dont come back! And then he cried harder, and I did, too, knowing I could no longer fix what I had just broken. *** I walked back into Leighs house, wet from the rain that poured on me when I left Robbies apartment. I spent four hours outside his room, crying, trying to knock on his door but he kept on telling me to go away. I left by 8 pm and got drenched in rain, the perfect irony to the mess of a day I had. I felt so

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heartbroken. Like, I could feel the pain in every part of my body. Like, a hole opened up inside me, and kept on getting larger. Carol? Leigh said as she saw me walk inside the door. She was about to go to the dining room then. God, Carol, what happened? She asked as she walked up to me, and stroked my hair, Are you okay? Youre wet! Drake, get me some towels! Drake rushed up the stairs and handed Leigh the towel as he went down. What happened to her? Drake asked. Carol, sweetheart, talk to me, whats wrong? Leigh asked as she covered my body with the towel and led me to sit down on the sofa. Hehe hates me. I spoke slowly. He? Robbie? Leigh asked, What happened? I told him I wanted to put up a counseling center, and then hehe didnt take it well. He saidhe said that he probably was my case study, my test subjectIt wasnt like that, you know it wasnt like that, LeighI just didnt think he would make a big deal out of itand thenand then he said that I was a liar, that I lied to him and that I didnt really love himHe told me to go away. Oh my God, Leigh muttered as she hugged me. I cried, I love him so much, I said, I love him butbut I dont know if he still wants to fix this Leigh just patted my back, Everything will be fine, She whispered, It will be alright. Thats when I broke down.

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~21~
Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isnt it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They dont ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isnt your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like Maybe we should just be friends or How very perceptive turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. Its a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love. Neil Gaiman A day passed, but it felt like years. I kept on calling Robbie but he didnt answer any of my calls, or texts. Mark told me last night that Robbie said he just 72

wanted to be alone. I didnt even bother to get out of my room. I was aching through and through. It was my chance at love, my new shot, and I just messed it all up. But the thing is, I didnt wanna ruin anything, I just didnt tell him before about my background in Psychology solely because the time didnt come yet. Besides, I wasnt practicing it. It was very painful. You know how it is when you love someone so much that it hurts? Thats how I was feeling. Its like, my heart is being ripped away from me, slowly, yet, much, much painfully. Someone knocked on the door and entered. It was Leigh. Hey, She said as she sat down on my bed and put down a tray of food on my side table, Drake said you havent been out of your room all day. I didnt answer. She stroked my hair, I tried calling Robbie, but he wouldnt pick up. She said, and Mark called, Kim had her babyIts a boy. She patted me on the back, Carol, Im really sorry, She said, Maybe Robbie just couldnt take it in well I love him. I said silently. I know you do, She said, But he should remember, too. I messed things up. Im juststupid, selfish-- Youre not, She said, Things just happen. It hurts so bad, I started crying again. It will be alright. She said. You know how when youre so devastated and someone tells you those words, you just hold on to them and hope they come true? I was one of those people who believed in things like that; who hoped against hope. I always held on to Leigh, but for some reason, right now, I couldnt. Would you like to go down for dinner? Then we could visit Kim Thanks, I said, But I just wanna be alone.

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She didnt say a thing, just patted my head and stroke my hair then stood up and then, Call me when you need me, okay? She said lightly and went out of my room. *** A week passed. Nothing changed. Robbie still didnt call, or show up. I cant promise you anything, Mark said in a text once, But lets hope he comes around. I felt so weak. I had boyfriends before, and I survived break-ups, but this was so hard. Mainly because, I knew there was so much that needed to be said, but he didnt want to hear them, and on the other hand, I also felt like I was a failure. Like, I didnt really try to understand him, or love him the way I shouldve. Drake often went to my room to give me food, or some pep-talk. Pep-talk, and hes younger than me. It didnt work too well, though, I just felt tired all the time, I didnt feel like talking, or listening, or anything. I knew they all meant well, but really, when youre so heartbroken, you just feel like the worlds crashing down on you. Like, it would never be okay again. That Saturday, Drake went to my room yet again and sat down on the bean bag on the floor. When we were younger, we all had these bean bags. However, Drakes bean bag was destroyed one evening when he brought friends over, and they all got into this messy party. One guy brought a knife, and it almost turned nasty, good thing Leigh was able to call the police. The bean bag, however, didnt survive. Since then, Drake has been borrowing mine for his PS2 and Xbox playtimes. Arent you still gonna go out? He asked. No. I said. Come on, Carol, He said, Its a Saturday, I heard a new Adam Brody movie is showing I dont wanna watch movies.

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So, what? Youre gonna stay here again all day, sulking? I let you mope when you needed to. Sorry, He said, I just want you to get better. Leave me alone, will you? Im dating someone new, He said, Well, Im not sure how itll work out but I have the best hopes for us. Shes cute, you know? Her names Cheska, Chinky-eyed, very bubblyYoull like her. I didnt say anything. Carol, I just wanna thank you, for helping me out when when I was spiraling down. He said, Really, without that talk you gave me, who knows? I still might be going downhill you know? Andand I know youre strong enough, I know you could handle thisbutIm just here, were all just here. He paused and then, Im not saying go, get over Robbie, because I know you love him. And yeah, well, maybe youd still wait for him, but if he does something again, Ill punch him, believe me. It wasnt his fault. I said silently. And it wasnt all yours, too. He said, You and him will always be different, but its just not you who has to make a way to make it work. I took a deep breath, trying not to cry again. My eyes are tired. Thanks, Drake, I said, You can go now. He then sighed and stood up, Are you sure you dont wanna go out? Im fine. I said silently. Ill just be downstairs, He said. Yeah, thanks. And then he left my room.

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~22~
When you drop a glass or a plate to the ground, it makes a loud, crashing sound. When a window shatters, a picture falls off the wall, it makes a noise. But as for your heart, when it breaks, its completely silent. It is silent and you almost wish there was a noise to distract you from the pain. If there is a noise, it is internal. It screams and no one can hear it but you. It screams so loud your ears ring & your head aches. Thats the thing about loveno one is untouchable-Cecelia Ahern
Minutes later, someone knocked on my door again. Drake, I called out, Could you just leave me alone?! Caroline? It wasnt Drake. I knew who it was, I wouldve recognized that voice anywhere though he hasnt called me like that in years. I got up from bed. Dad? I called out from my room. Yes, its me, He said, Caroline, can you let me in? I opened the door, and there he was, my father, looking at me. His eyes looked tired, as they had been all these years. Dad, I muttered as I led him in. He sat down on my bed.

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How are you? He asked, after seconds of silence. I realized we havent talked to each other in years. He went on, Oh, thats a stupid question, isnt it? Youre evidently not okay He said as he glanced upon my room, which currently looked like trash. Ill be fine, I said, You didnt have to come He shook his head, Ive let you take care of yourselves all these yearsI think, I owe it to you that when you need me, I should be here. I then took a deep breath and sat down beside him. Moms probably laughing at me now, huh? He smiled sadly, You know how she could be, but shesalso worried. No one spoke for a while and then, You love him, dont you? He asked. I nodded my head. But you know that things wont ever be normal for you? Yes. I said, silently. He took a deep breath, You know, youd always care for him more than he does for youThere will never come a time when hed just look after you, or when he wont be too literal about things. Maybe, hed still over-analyze things, because thats how he is. He wont justsee things the way we see them. Dad, I know hes a good man, and that who knows? Maybe, sooner or later, youd make up. But what if you dont? He looked at me, Caroline, I dont want this to tear a part of you forever. And yes, love may make you do certain things, butI just want someone to look after you. Youre special, Carol, you are my song. Remember when you were little and I always sang to you this song I made when your mothers pregnant with youI always saw myself in you, Carol. Youve always been the dreamer, the passionate one, the one who does what she wants, and fights for her beliefs, whatever damnation she might get. And, because of that, I just want you to have someone whos strong enough for you, who wont fall apart because of the slightest provocation. He went on, Sweetheart, you deserve someone who will love you the way you need to be loved.

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I looked at him, You thinkmaybe, Robbies not the one? I think, that maybe, he might be the one, but it doesnt mean hes right for you. Thats justinsane. I said silently. I know, He said, But love could keep you blinded. He looked at me, Do you think that when you get older, hed be able to keep his guard down and just look after you the way men do with their wives? Do you think hell love you the way you love him? I didnt answer. He then squeezed my hand, If you love him, and he loves you, then hell come around. Andhell realize that even he has to make sacrifices, and choices, too. Its not just you, Carol. I nodded my head and took a deep breath, Thanks. I muttered. He smiled a little, I know it still hurts, but youll get better. I nodded my head, Can I ask you a question? Yes, He said, What is it? I paused and then, Do you love mom? He looked at me, took a deep breath, and then, Not as much as I used to, but yes. Shes not perfect butI married her, so Did you forgive her and stay with her because you love her? Or did you just do it becausebecause you think its the right thing to do? He took a deep breath, I wanted to keep this family intact, He said and paused, But now, years later, I realize II may just have made things worse. And, Caroline, you have no idea how much that hurts. Howbad that feels. Its like, I failed in keeping my family together. Dad, I said, We missed you. I missed you, too. He said, and after all these years, we hugged. Its like, Im wounded and Im running to my daddy to hold me and tell me that everything will be okay. Except, of course everything wont be okay just like that. Dad, I said, after the hug, Do you ever think aboutdivorce? He looked at me.

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I mean He nodded his head, Yeah, but then again, what difference would it make? Dad, if you dont love her anymore, or if you dont love her as much as you used to, whats the point? At my age, Carol, its hard to just start over. I know, I said, But who knows what could happen? What if the right ones somewhere out there, still waiting for you? He smiled a little, I always thought your mom was the right one. Even if she made a mistake? Well Dad, you should give yourself a chance, you know? To start over. Well He said, Well see. Dad, I said again, Are youare you mad at Mindy? He looked at me, No, He said, Theres no reason to be. But you neveryou never really talked to her again. I know, He said, and Im not proud of that. Its just thatseeing her seeing her reminds me ofof Manuel. Manuel is their former gardener and Mindys dad. After your moms admission, I noticed how Mindy had Manuel eyes. It mustve been hard. It was, He said, Still is. Mindy misses you. He looked at me. I know you dont talk, and she doesnt really talk about her feelings anymore butlosing you, or, not being able to have the kind of relationship you used to have is killing her. It was one of the reasons why sheshe sunk into depression and alcoholism Ive always wanted to talk to her, He said, I just have no idea how to. Well, maybe you could try right now I said, Shes in her room. You think, shell like the idea?

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Its worth a try. Thanks, He said. I shook my head, No, thanks, dad.

~23~
There are so many fragile things after all. People break so easily, and so do dreams and hearts. Neil Gaiman
I knocked on Mindys door. Minds? I called out, Its Carol. No one answered. I turned on the knob which was, surprisingly, not locked. Dad and I went inside Mindys room and her many paintings caught our eyes. Mindys a talented artist. Her paintings were the expressions of how she was feeling. Her wall, however, was the mirror of truth. The words PAIN, IM SORRY and FORGIVE ME were written in black ink. We found Mindy kneeling on the floor, her head on the bed. She was holding a bottle of chardonnay in one hand. Mindy?! I said as I rushed to her side. Miranda, My dad said. Daddy Mindy said in her drunken state. She laughed, Oh, daddy Miranda, Dad said and he sat down beside her, What happened?

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Im sorry, Im sorry, Im sorry Mindy said and fainted. Thats when we brought her to the hospital, our hearts full of sadness and hope.

~24~
Love is a choice you make from moment to moment.
6 months later Six months passed. Know what I realized? Eventually, the heart repairs. Maybe, not totally, but it does. You learn to live each day as it comes, and take what you can take. I still havent heard from Robbie. Mark is now my only connection to him. Ive heard from Mark that Robbie is now working as a consultant in a bookstore nearby. I pass by that bookstore at times, on my way to work. There are days when my eyes easily water with tears, and times when Id just drive along, trying not to notice it, trying to live the life I have now. Some things have changed, though. Like, mom and dad, who finally are divorced. Dads currently working at a school, coaching basketball, while mom is in Malibu as of the moment, having fun with her goodtime friends. Kim and I also finally had a chance to talk. Two months ago, we met up shortly before her son, Kurt, was baptized. Over cake and juice, we talked about everything we needed to get out of our chests. I told her about my frustrations, and she told me about hers. She told me how, though shes the eldest, she always felt like she had all of us as her competitors. How she always felt like 81

whatever she did wasnt enough, I told her how I felt the same way, and how I felt awful because it seemed like she never wanted me as a sister. I told her, how, yes, Mark and I may have had history, but that was it. We no longer have a present, much less, a future. The conversation went well, amidst the tears, and the occasional anger. Were good now, and though we know we wont be able to turn back time, and make things in the past great, we knew we still had the present and the future to hold on to. Leigh just got promoted as assistant manager of the company shes working in. However, she still helps in designing their products (wallpapers, placemats, etc). Drake is staying single, as he says, this isnt the time to complicate his life. Mindys in a treatment facility again, but this time, she says she wants to really be better. After rehab, shes planning to live in New Orleans for a while, with our aunt Muriel and see how it goes from there. And then, theres me. A few days after dads visit and after we brought Mindy to the hospital, I got back on my feet, slowly, yes, but at least I did. In a couple of weeks, I decided to finally put to work my dream of being a counselor. I rented a place somewhere here in Central Park, and so far, its been good. My office is called Of hopes and Dreams, and I try to help out those who come into my office, talking about their problems, or whatevers bothering them. Today, my client, Martina, came in. Shes 19, a college sophomore at NYU, and apparently, she broke up with her boyfriend of a year a month ago and shes still hurt. Im listening intently as shes crying in front of me. Its just unfair, She said as she blew her nose on a tissue, I mean, here I am, crying for him, and where is he? In the arms of another girl! Its like, he doesnt even care about how I feel

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Martina, Im sorry, but these things happenEspecially because youve broken up. You can no longer say you own this personand tell you what, we never really own peopletheyre justtheyre just like everything else, a borrowed good. She cried harder, I feel stupid, so stupid. I feel weak. Why would I even go looking for love, right? Why is it so important, anyway? I justit just makes me feel likeLike Im so weak. No, no, I said, Martina, thats not true. Youre not weak, I paused and then, Lovelooking for it, wishing for it, doesnt mean youre weak. We dont look for love because were weak; we look for love because no matter how strong we are, theres always gonna be that fragile part of us that needs to be embraced; we dont look for love because we cant take care of ourselveswe look for love because even though we can be strong for ourselves, sometimes, its comforting to know theres someone whos gonna be there for us, holding us, amidst everything. I went on, We dont look for love because were lookin for heartache; were lookin for love because were humans; And no matter who we are, or what we say, a little part of us will always wish we had someone who loves and accepts us for who we are, and someone we could share all our love with. She looked at me, Really? She said, You think? I reached for her hand and squeezed it, I know. I said. Whoa, She said, composing herself, Are youmarried or something? No, I said, I almost was, though, I glanced at my bag and thought of the ring Robbie gave me which was sitting inside. What happened? I shrugged, Life happened. Do youstilllove him? I looked at her and realized I couldnt answer her question. Sorry. She muttered. Its alright, I said.

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I should go, She said, picking up her bag, Thank you so much for the session. My pleasure. I said. I watched as she left the room and I was left alone. Moments later, I picked up my bag, too, and headed home.

~25~
"we could still belong together, and together, so much better" -Lisa Loeb, We could still belong together
I arrived home that day to find Drake sitting on the couch, looking as if he wanted to punch someone. Hey, I said, as I gave him a peck on the cheek, Whats going on? That guy, he said, angrily, I want to punch him, seriously, after all this months! Drake, relax, who is it? What guy? He sighed and stood up, Robbie. He said. I was stunned, Robbie? I said. What? What do you mean? He went here, saying he wanted to see you, that he was sorry and you needed to talk. Jesus, Carol, I wanted to kill him! I mean, after al these months? After he hurt you, He paused and then, But he said that he was sorry, hes wrong, and said that if you guys talk and you wouldnt wanna be with him, then, hes going, but he would regret it forever. I found that all hard to take in, Where is he? I asked. Well, Drake said, I didnt open the door for him, but he stayed soI let him in. Seriously, I wouldnt have if I didnt think about you and what you would sayBut I guess, you do need to finally talk, so

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So? Hes in the dining room. Oh. Ill just be here if anything goes wrong. Ill be okay. I smiled, Thanks, Drake. He just patted me on the shoulder, Go on. He said. I smiled meekly and made my way to the dining room. It wasnt a long walk from the living room, but it felt like forever. My heart was pounding, and my steps were heavy. When I finally arrived and saw him, sitting on a chair, fidgeting, I instantly felt like crying. Like, everything welled up again. For the most part, I was thankful, that at last, we would be talking again, and at the same time, I was also scared. Seconds passed without anyone talking. I mean, really, what would you say to someone you love who just went out of your life? How do you manage to put in words that you were really hurt, and yet, deep down, you were still hoping for something? I dont know. Hey, I finally spoke. He stood up, Hey. He greeted back, Y-youre brother waswas quite protective. He smiled meekly. I smiled back, Hes the best. I took a deep breath, So Im sorry, He said, II was a jerkI didnt even bother listening t-to you. Im sorry, too, I said. No, no, he said, Youvey-youve said enough. Your dad talked to me, you know? I was surprised, He did? He nodded his head, Aalmost aa month ago. Wow. I muttered, What did he say? H-he said thatthat he wanted his daughter to be happy. Thatthat if I love you, I would understand what happened, and t-thatin a relationship, ttheres always two sides. Andand I didnt really realize t-that until then. He

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looked at me, Im sorry, Caroline, I love you. He went on, And Im sorry if Ive been an ass and I took it out on you. IMaybe you h-have someone else now, maybe youveyouve moved on. But I guess, I still have to tell you t-that I love you. That I care. That you matter. You matter so much, and II wish we could try again. I stillI still want to marry you, and Im ashamed I didnt go here all those months ago. He paused and then, B-butI know Ive caused you so much pain, so much that m-maybe you wont forgive me. Maybe you wouldnt wanna be with me. Andand as much as that would hurt, Ill understand. Just please say something. Anything. Well, I said, composing my thoughts. What do I wanna tell him? That for days, I sulked in my room, wishing he would call? Thatthough Ive managed to go on with my life, there are still some nights where in Id think about him, us, and what couldve happened? That, as much as I hate to admit it, I think I still am, and always will be in love with him? That, though I know hed never be able to understand things the way most people do, its okay and its forgiven? How do you sum it all up? I took a deep breath and then, I never threw away your ring. I smiled. He smiled back, Im so sorry, He said, I love you. Ill make it right this time. I smiled and held his hand, Well make it right this time.

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~26~
At last, my love has come along my lonely days are over and life is like a song -Etta James, At Last
1 month after Theres a different feeling about walking down the aisle as a bride. It wasunexplainable. Like, every heartbreak and every failed relationship and almost relationships I went through are worth it. Like, every day before today was just a prelude of my life to be. There were many mishaps in my life. Ive done countless mistakes. Ive hurt people, and people have hurt me. Seven months ago, I thought, that maybe, the pain that the relationship with Robbie brought me would just be etched on my heart and soul forever, and I had almost been right. But when things are meant to be, then theyre meant to be, but, only if youre willing to give destiny a hand. Because, sometimes, life isnt just about getting whats given to you, but making a way to get what you want. Its always a little bit of both. I was wearing my pristine-cut light Pink gown, the one with beautiful gems on it, and holding my Pink and Blue Rose bouquet as I was walking down the

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aisle. At that moment, everything felt perfect. I wanted Mindy to be there, but she was still in the treatment facility. I was able to talk to her on the phone, though, and she sent me her best wishes. I saw my mom, fresh from her Malibu trip, giving me a little smile as I passed by her, my dad giving me the thumbs-up sign, my brother, Drake, giving me a wink, my sister Leigh, smiling at me happily, and my eldest sister, Kim, who brought along little Kurt, who became my ring bearer. She mouthed the words best wishes to me. A year ago, I wouldnt even have thought of inviting her to my wedding. And then, I finally was caught his eye. Standing there, in front, was Robbie. Robbie, my would-be husband, Robbie, the man I would now spend the rest of my life with, Robbie, the other whole who would now share his life with me. Our eyes met, and we both smiled. Our story may have started on my sisters wedding, but it doesnt end here. Because we all know that in life, every ending is just a new beginning. As the pastor started the ceremony, and as Robbie glanced at me before looking at him, I finally felt safe. And guess what? Now I could say: In life, there are still happy endings. And great new beginnings. ~~

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