14 ANNOTATED SCRIPT

CANNIBAL!
The Musical

By Trey Parker Adapted by Troy Heard [This is the production script as revised prior to opening night. As with most shows I direct, I did a great deal of homework beforehand so as to come into the rehearsal prepared to answer a barrage of questions. But because of its quirky style, Cannibal was a rather unique and insane experience. So to give you a closer look into the work that went into this show I developed what is probably the first theatrical directors commentary. Youll find these sidebar notes written in bold throughout the script, in this very font. And as stated before every DVD commentary, the opinions contained within do not reflect those of the producer.]

15 CHARACTERS ALFERD PACKER, our hero [Ted Evans, a baby-faced innocent perfect in this role. Ted has this perpetual who, me? look on his face, which is what Packer needed.] JAMES HUMPHREY, a young braggart (Doubles as a CITIZEN) [Kent Brickles, who worked extremely hard for this part. I had him in mind for Humphrey, and he was extremely nervous when he came in to audition. Had I not known him, I probably wouldnt have given him a second look. But I knew how bad he wanted it and gave him a second chance. It paid off.] SHANNON BELL, an obsessive Mormon priest [Nate Devoll, who I would never have thought of in this part. But I heard through the grapevine this was who he wanted, and I took a risk, that, again, paid off. He wound up getting selected as the fight captain.] ISRAEL SWAN, an eternally optimistic, smiling bastard (Doubles as a CITIZEN) [Ryan Brown, a freshman. Like Swan, hes an eternally optimistic, smiling fellowtypecasting.] FRANK MILLER, a butcher (Doubles as a CITIZEN) [Mike Lippert, a scary looking Film/Video major and a very good sport. Robyn actually considered him for Packer. But since he was willing to perform the full nudity required on stage, he became Miller.] GEORGE NOON, a 19-year-old virgin (Doubles as a CITIZEN) [Susanna Merrick, in the first gender-blind casting I did for this show. She did a fantastic audition and was taken aback when I asked her to play a boy. Once she got the walk down, however, she nailed it.] POLLY PRY, a reporter [Aurelia Riley, absolutely gorgeous and just as talented. She walked away with the role at her audition. She later told me that she auditioned on the spur of the moment, not knowing anything about this show. Plus, this was her first lead at SCAD. She has great comic timing and a fearlessness that reminds me of Cameron Diaz.] WARREN MILLS, a sleazy prosecuting attorney (Doubles as a MINER, INDIAN WARRIOR and CYCLOPS) [Ralf Jean Pierre, someone Id worked with before. With Ralf, the only question was not whether to use him, but where to plug him into the show. Hes a newcomer to the whole acting thing, but has a great comic sense.]

16

FRENCHY CABAZON, a trapper (Doubles as a MINER) [Becky White, another person Id worked with often before. Shes extremely talented, one of my favorite performers. But she said up front she wasnt interested in playing a romantic lead. This led to my idea of casting the trappers as a trio of sexy biker chicks. And it worked.] NUTTER and LOUTZENHEISER, his cronies (Doubles as MINERS) [Courtney Brinson and Sasha Travis. Courtney was another person who auditioned off the cuff. But she did such a great audition I wanted to use her somewhere. Casting women as trappers opened up the door for her. Shes pretty, but can play goofy at the same time. I knew Sasha from working with her during Little Voice. I only wish there couldve been a bigger role for her, but the S&M trapper seemed to make her happy.] INDIAN CHIEF, who looks strangely Japanese (Doubles as MINER) [David Andrews, a very unique individual. From the beginning, I had nobody else in mind for this role. Nobody came in during auditions that couldve played. And in the end, I dont believe anyone wouldve argued that he wasnt perfect.] FEMALE ENSEMBLE 1 HUMPHREYS MOTHER, JUDGE, CITIZEN [Stephanie Selai, a freshman with plenty of stage presence.] FEMALE ENSEMBLE 2 HUMPHREYS SISTER, SHOPKEEPER, SIGN INTERPRETER, SHEEP, CHEERLEADER [Brooke Slemmer, a freshman. Brooke has Saturday Night Live potential. Shes great at deadpan humor.] FEMALE ENSEMBLE 4 CHINAMAN, MINER, EL GATO, INDIAN SQUAW, BARTENDER, CITIZEN [Kate Carson-Groner, one of my favorite performers in the Media and Performing Arts Department. She brings a positive feeling to every project shes involved in.] MALE ENSEMBLE 4 NOONS FATHER, INDIAN BRAVE, BOTH SHERIFFS [Kyle Strickland, another freshman, and a very hard worker.] LIANNE, Packers horse, played by a bicycle with a horses head [Thanks to Cassie Westbrook, who loaned her beach bike, and to Jeff Fuell, who sculpted a beautiful horse head.] SET

17 A unit set with levels and ramps. A jail cell to one side, a rear projection screen to the other. [We used the leftover deck from SCADs production of The Learned Ladies. It had a central rake, which, when we first moved into the space, proved tricky for the fights. But Lee Soroko, our fight director, came in and everybody adjusted. I also recycled the backdrop from Baby with the Bathwater, which consisted of arches upstage right and left. I replaced a center door unit with a rear projection screenin our case, an old piece of muslin snagged from the scene shop spattered with red paint. I painted a snow-capped mountain range with a bright blue sky dotted with fluffy clouds very South Park-esque, and general enough to accommodate the many different settings. A small cell wall was the only piece built from scratch.]

UNIT ONE PROLOGUE

18 In which the stage is set for Packers bloodbath ACT ONE (The house is plunged into black. orchestra is heard tuning up.) An

NARRATOR (V/O) The musical you are about to see was originally produced in 1954. Upstaged by the overwhelming popularity of Oklahoma! its short-lived theatre run was cancelled, and Cannibal! The Musical soon fell into obscurity. The original score, re-discovered just last year, has been painstakingly restored using state-of-the-art harmony enhancing and computer reconstruction technology. The musicals violent scenes have been omitted for your viewing pleasure. [The prerecorded voice-over was my cameo in the show, ala Hitchcock. I remember doing several takes. Several were too British, some were too Irish. I really wanted to go deadpan, similar to John Laroquettes voice-over at the beginning of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.] (To a pre-recorded round of applause, the ACCOMPANIST is escorted on by a SECRET SERVICE AGENT.) [The opening moments here always gave me problems. I think we wouldve saved time having Robyn in place already, but my earliest memories of musical theatre always involved bringing out the conductor for his bow. Plus, it solved the problem of getting an actor in place in our entrance-less down left area, as her escort. But once she was in place and the blood red lights rose on the smoky stage, the audience was ready to groove.] [MUSIC CUE 1: OVERTURE! (A)] (LIGHTS RISE on the set. PROJECTION: DEEP IN THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS [This was the first of a series of projections created by Erin Staub. Some just named the scene locations; others were scenic illustrations.] (ISRAEL SWAN runs on in a panic. keeps looking behind him.) SWAN He Dimly lit.)

19 Packers gone completely insane! Hes gonna kill us all! I just have to calm downdont get excited (A noise comes from offstage. [In the film, this sequence was done without dialogue. This wasnt going to work as well on stage, not having the cinematic tools of editing and close-ups to build suspense. So I adapted, creating a classic horror movie moment of the cat leaping at the victim before the killer appears. Kyle provided a bizarre raptor-esque sound effect here from the bushes. It soon grew on me and I justified it as homage to Jurassic Park. In a way, it told the audience that this evening was going to be very off-kilter.] He tiptoes over to check it out. With a loud hiss, a CAT comes flying on. Swan struggles with it and tosses it off.) SWAN Silly pussy. (Swan turns around and comes face to face with ALFERD PACKER, a hungry bastard with a maniacal look in his eyes.) Did you see that, Packer? SWAN It was only a pussycat.

(Swan does a double take and screams, but before he can escape Packer SINKS HIS TEETH INTO SWANS ARM AND RIPS IT OFF! Swan hops around in pain. [This being the first effect, I was dead set on having a couple of blood streams shooting out. So what we did was a fake arm on a long sleeved shirt, rubber hand and all. The sleeve was cut off and velcroed back on. Ryan wore a red t-shirt underneath that had the bottom of a milk jug sewn over the shoulder where the arm was to be attached. He had an IV bag strapped to his side, and the tube ran up and around through holes in the milk jug base. Then the rigged shirt was placed on over all this. Ted came in, struggled with the arm, ripped it off, and Ryan would squeeze the IV bag with his free arm sending streams of blood out onto the stage. However, the best part was we didnt need to use blood at all. Because the stage was washed in dark red lights and fog, water worked just as fine, and was easy to clean up during the scene change. Well, except for one performance]

20 GEORGE NOON runs on behind Packer, but Packer tries to bludgeon him to death with Swans dismembered arm. This doesnt work, so Packer leaps on him and bites into his jugular.) [Lee created a fantastic bit of staging here where Susie, as Noon, narrowly avoided getting knocked on the head by Packer by diving down into a forward roll. I cant count the times that she went right down on her head. Eventually it was changed to a shoulder roll, as to avoid any more unnecessary head lumps.] NOON Holy cow! Jeepers! (SHANNON WILSON another entrance Packer) BELL Damn you, Packer! (But Packer gets the better of him and RIPS HIS SKULL CAP OFF, REVEALING A PULSING BRAIN.) [Cheap bit of stage magic here. Nate wore a fitted skullcap, on which we painted a brain. Then he had very ugly wig on top of that. Ted slipped his fingers under the wig, showed a bit of struggle, and then peeled back the wig, revealing the brain. Voila!] BELL Zowie! (GEORGE HUMPHREY enters and tries to sneak away, but Packer grabs him and snaps his neck. POP POP POP! [Of all the crazy effects, silly puppets, and inane dance numbers included in Cannibal, the single most effective moment of the evening was achieved with a concealed two-inch square piece of bubble wrap. It never failed to gross out the audience.] FRANK MILLER runs on with an axe. He and Packer grapple over the weapon. Packer bites Miller, tripping him up. Packer grabs the axe and hoists it BELL runs on from and tries to tackle

21 above his head with a scream. Hes about to bring it down when EVERYBODY FREEZES. UNIT TWO CLOSING REMARKS In which Mills accuses and Packer defends A spotlight picks up MILLS, the sleazy prosecuting attorney, miming Packer swinging the axe.) MILLS And then he cuts up the bodies. ENSEMBLE Oh, gross. Yuck. MILLS And when he finally arrives tired and beaten he says, Oh, I dont know what happened to my companions. They left me behind. And everybody believes him, they feel sorry for him, and they just let him go on to Saguache. Now what would he have you believe? That under these horrible conditions it was justified? No, gentlemen of the jury, it is never justified to murder. Murder is wrong. So, I ask you to come back with the verdictto hang this bastard for what he has done!!! The prosecution rests. (The Ensemble goes wild.) PACKER (Breaking freeze.) But thats not the way it happened! [This line is Parkers homage to the trial of Star Treks Captain James T. Kirk.] [MUSIC CUE 2: OVERTURE! (B)] (Blackout. All exit, zombie-like. Credit sequence on the projection screen as the carnage is cleaned up.) PROJECTION: TREY PARKERS CANNIBAL! THE MUSICAL! PROJECTION: STARRING (ETC.)

22

PROJECTION: LAKE CITY, COLORADO 1883 [The opening credit sequence is one that I wish I couldve spent more time on. I felt it dragged the pace horribly. Cutting it wasnt an option because we needed the time to clean up the stage after the bloodbath, and for a few costume changes. Plus, every classic musical has the grand overture. But since we didnt get the overhead projector until the last minute, we never had a chance to finesse the credits. Kudos to Erin, however. Throwing up the names of the cast gave the audience a chance to cheer on their favorites. Going into the next scene, the street scene, I originally wanted the bird sound effect from the Act One finale of SCADs production of The Grapes of Wrath. I eventually gave up on locating that, thinking that the reference would be too obscure. Ryan McCurdy, the sound designer, brought in a sound that put the scene somewhere in the Amazon basin. Eventually, we got a decent, run-of-the-mill sunny day bird sound. ] UNIT THREE Mills the Mack Daddy In which Mills seduces and Polly dissuades (POLLY PRY, our heroine, enters, runs into Mills on the street.) MILLS Miss Pry, hello! POLLY Oh. Hello, Mr. Mills. [Ralf and Aurelia had a bizarre chemistry. Aurelia is an attractive young lady but offsets that with a left-field comic sense. We never got to the point where Mills was lusting after her. Ralf played it a little too smooth and collective. I personally think he was just intimidated by Aurelia.] MILLS You busy? POLLY I was gonna try to get an interview with Mr. Packer. MILLS Now how could you possibly want to spend your afternoon with a beast like that when you could spend it with a gentleman like myself, huh? POLLY and

23 Believe me, I dont relish the thought of having to speak with him, or even be in the same room with him. But its what I must do. I am a reporter. [A female reporter in those days was rare, so her essential action was to get the story, because that could make her career. Mills essential action was simply to get laid.] MILLS Yes, and a most beautiful one at that. for dinner then? Can we meet

POLLY Ah, when Im done here, Ill be at the hotel. MILLS At the hotel. POLLY If I can get him talking soon enough. Ill give you a hint. ask him about Lianne. Lianne? MILLS Trust me. (He exits, doing a bootie dance.) At the hotel! [Ralf didnt do the bootie dance. He clicked his teeth in a bizarrely obscene gesture. There is no way of describing this.] POLLY (Sotto) What an asshole. UNIT FOUR Meet the Cannibal In which Polly flirts and Packer gives in (Polly enters the jail area. Packer is revealed in the cell, nothing like the frightening monster of the Prologue, but rather cleaned up and humble.) MILLS If you want to get him talking, POLLY

24

[Sasha Travis, our lighting designer, had a beautiful shift here from the exterior to the interior of the jail cell. She lit the cell with three lights, managing to illuminate the performers and create an eerie atmosphere. Packer glowed in backlight as he entered from up to downstage right.] POLLY Hello? PACKER (Startling Polly) The sheriffs gone. POLLY Good enough. Im here to see you anyway. My name is Polly Pry. I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions about your story. PACKER My lawyer says I cant talk to reporters. [This is the only scene where I worked with Aurelia on Pollys tactics. As written, Polly Pry is a two-dimensional character whose romantic interest in Packer comes out of nowhere. We justified that Packers innocence was so completely charming in an oh, shucks sort of way that one couldnt help falling for him. Regardless, Aurelias use of physical gestures in this scene was priceless, particularly when she threw herself against the wall in a helpless damsel pose.] POLLY Yes, of course he did. Thats very smart of him. But Im not a reporter. Im just a Well, the truth is, I saw you in the courtroom and I thought to myself, How could this handsome, intelligent man have ever done what they say he did PACKER I didnt. POLLY And then I thought about how lonely you must be, in this dark, nasty cell all cooped up.

PACKER

25 Hey, you really think so? This is the nicest place Ive lived in a really long time. POLLY With no one to talk to at all. And then I realized how badly you must need someone to just listen. PACKER I do? POLLY Uh-huh. And then I thought maybe I should come down here and give you some company. (Polly leans in close; the following exchange is very intimate.) Maybe, maybe tell you some secrets. And you can tell me secrets. PACKER Okay. So, what exactly Breckenridge? POLLY happened PACKER I cant talk about that. POLLY (Shot down) Okay, lets talk about something else. Why dont you tell me about Lianne? PACKER (Leaping up) You know her? POLLY Yes. Yes! I know her well. I wanted to find out a little bit more about you two. Was she with you on your trip? PACKER I dont know, my lawyers supposed to come back any minute and he gets really angryduring your trip to

Oh, I know.

26 POLLY Certainly your lawyer wouldnt mind you talking just a little bit about Lianne. Especially to someone whos just a simple townsfolk. PACKER I guess he wouldnt. POLLY So, what was she like? PACKER She was beautiful. She had long, dark shiny hair. And almond eyes. And little pointy ears. And a big, fluffy tail. And she was fast, like this pow! UNIT FIVE SHPADOINKLE! In which Packer rejoices [MUSIC CUE 3: SHPADOINKLE!] PROJECTION: BINGHAM MINE, UTAH 1873 (The CHINAMAN runs in with LIANNE, for our purposes, a bicycle with a horse head and tail. He passes Lianne off to Packer.) [The bicycle Lianne was a borrowed idea from the Dads Garage production. Jeff Fuell, an Industrial Design major, sculpted a beautiful horses head out of foam, which was mounted onto the handlebars of bicycle. I have read of another production that used an actor in a horse costume, but theres something about Ted riding the bike down the rake that just couldnt be matched. Every night I had the terrifying vision of Ted not braking and winding up in the lap of a front-row audience member.] PACKER Thank you. CHINAMAN Youre welcome! [The chinaman was a random bit that was cut. Kate C-G simply rolled out the bike and passed it to Ted, with the above dialogue. I think Kate was on and off the stage about ten times in five minutes during the opening moments.]

27 PACKER THE SKY IS BLUE AND ALL THE LEAVES ARE GREEN THE SUNS AS WARM AS A BAKED POTATO I THINK I KNOW PRECISELY WHAT I MEAN WHEN I SAY ITS A SHPADOINKLE DAY [This marks the first appearance of shpadoinkle. In his DVD commentary, Parker explains that shpadoinkle is a word used when no other word can describe the most exhilarating feeling of joy. The opening notes of this song appear at the end of almost every episode of South Park when the Braniff logo appears. Its also at the beginning of Quiet Mountain Town in the film South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut. Because this song is a spoof of Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin in Oklahoma, we paid homage to the opening of the movie where Curley rides past the cornstalks on his horse. In ours, Packer hopped on the bike and rode it to the edge of the stage quite a scary feat on a raked stage.] AND AS I RIDE WITH MY GIRL SHES MY BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD! WELL MOVE ALONG, SET OUR GOALS HIGH WITH EYES FULL OF HOPE AS WE AIM FOR THE SKY IS BLUE AND ALL THE LEAVES ARE GREEN (Ensemble enter juggling tree branches and potatoes) MY HEARTS AS FULL AS A BAKED POTATO I THINK I KNOW PRECISELY WHAT I MEAN WHEN I SAY ITS A SHPADOINKLE DAY! WHEN I SAY ITS A HAPPY-GO-MOINKALY LUCKY SHPADOINKLELY DAYYYYYY! UNIT SIX THE HAPPY BASTARD In which Swan is introduced and Packer joins up (Packer parks Lianne off to the side. Swan enters; grin eternally plastered on his face.) SWAN Hey! Mornin, Alf! PACKER Find any gold yet?

Mornin, Swan.

28 SWAN Not in this gosh darn canyon. Thats why a group of us are going to Breckenridge today. PACKER Breckenridge? In Colorado territory? Thats the place. more the merrier. Shucks. SWAN Say, you oughta come with us. The

PACKER Id love to go back to Colorado territory.

SWAN I didnt know you were from Colorado territory. [We joked that a Cannibal drinking game could be created by doing a shot every time somebody said Colorado territory.] PACKER Yeah, I worked in Georgetown for a while before I came here. SWAN Ah. PACKER Say, whos guiding you there? Lucky Larry. SWAN Hes from Denver.

PACKER You think maybe I could just talk to Lucky Larry? SWAN Sure, Im going to meet a group of them now. PACKER Swell! UNIT SEVEN HEADED EAST In which the miners band together

29 (Bell enters preaching from the Book of Mormon. A group of Ensemble miners gather around listening skeptically) [Parker makes frequent references to Mormons in his work. Orgazmo features the first Mormon porno super hero.] His film

BELL Lets not forget the story from the Book of Mormon where Brigham Young planted many cornfields. And then locusts came and began to eat his crops. And then the Lord sent down a flock of seagulls [I think maybe one person throughout the entire rehearsal period and performances ever picked up on this cheap 1980s prog rock reference.] (A SMOKING CORPSE is carried across by Ensemble) [I threw this prop together with about twelve bucks, wig form, some thrift store clothes, and black spray paint.] SWAN My goodness, what is that. Lucky Larry. night. ENSEMBLE He was struck down by lightning last

[Kate C-G again, carrying that cheaply made dummy with a heavily disguised David Andrews.] PACKER Gosh, is he going to be okay? (Others stare at Packer) What? BELL Now we cant let ourselves get discouraged. They say theres enough gold in Breckenridge to build walls out of. The Lord works in mysterious ways and I think this is a test of our will. My fellow Mormons know what Im talking about. Trials and tribulations, thats what lifes all about! Now are we gonna let this one little thing keep us from fulfilling our dreams?!

30 MINERS Yes! Oh, come on now. No! BELL But Im telling you, we can still make it. MILLER Our guide is dead! BELL Well theres gotta be someone from around here who knows that territory a bit. Anybody? SWAN (to Packer) Hey, didnt you say youre from Colorado territory? PACKER I just worked there for a little while. SWAN Hey, this guys from Colorado territory! Wonderful! BELL Whats your name, sir? BELL Weve gotta be strong, dont we? MINERS

PACKER Im Alferd Packer; this is my horse, Lianne. [This one line started the whole Cannibal phenomena. Trey wanted to say this in response to his cheating fiance, because everybody rides a horse. Now, in the horse, Lianne farts when shes introduced. I thought that was just tasteless, so I cut it. Besides, I couldnt figure out how to do the effect live on stage.] BELL There, you see? Dont be stupid. MILLER Lets go back to mining here.

31 BELL But theres no gold here. anybody made a strike? (Noon runs behind.) Ill go. No, come on, son. NOONS FATHER Well head out in the spring. on

Whens with

the

last

time right

his

Father

NOON

NOON But, dad, if we wait until spring all the gold will be gone. I need to go out now! No, its too dangerous. out of food? NOONS FATHER What if you get lost or run

NOON Dad, I cant be your little boy forever. understand? No, I dont understand. mothers heart. Im in.

Dont you

NOONS FATHER Ah, go ahead; break your NOON

[In the film, avant-garde filmmaker Stan Brakhage played Noons father. Also, the film had all the miners present during Bells lecture. I took this opportunity to give each of the miners their own entrance.] BELL There, you see? Dont you all ashamed? This nice, young, braveMILLER Stupid. (The Miners laugh.) BELL Go on and laugh. feel a little bit

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(Humphrey is dragged on by his Mother and Sister.) [Stefani Selai played Humphreys mom as a refugee from Fiddler on the Roof. Brooke played the sister as a snot-nosed brat.] HUMPHREYS MOTHER Son, why dont you go? HUMPHREY Huh? HUMPHREYS MOTHER Youve always said you wanted to get out of Utah. HUMPHREY No, I didnt! HUMPHREYS MOTHER Yes, you did. I distinctly remember you saying you wanted to get our of Utah and go east. HUMPHREY No, I didnt! HUMPHREYS MOTHER Son, dont argue with me. If you go to Breckenridge now, you can stake a claim and me and your sister can come out in spring. Son, dont argue with me. (To Bell) Hes in. Wonderful! Good luck. BELL That makes five. MILLER Youll need it. (The Ensemble laughs and split up) UNIT EIGHT SHPADOINKLE (REPRISE) In which Bell peps up the team and Miller joins in NOON Say, when do we leave?

33 SWAN The sooner the better, I say. BELL Well, lets ask our new guide. Mr. Packer?

PACKER I guess Im ready whenever you guys are. BELL Well, then, lets get packing! PACKER What? [MUSIC CUE 4: SHPADOINKLE! (REPRISE)] BELL ITS A LONG, LONG WAY FOR US TO GO BUT IF WE DONT TRY WELL NEVER KNOW STAY OPTIMISTIC, SET OUR GOALS HIGH THERES NOTHING WE CANT DO IF WE AIM FOR THE [This was Nates first singing solo, and as I recapped in the journal he had some trouble with it. In musicals, you have to tell the story, so I related it to him in acting terms and did a boost of confidence. When he threw caution to the wind and just did it, he was great although he never believed me when I told him.] MINERS SKY IS BLUE AND ALL THE LEAVES ARE GREEN THE AIRS AS PURE AS A BAKED POTATO WE THINK WE KNOW EXACTLY WHAT WE MEAN WHEN WE SAY ITS A SHPADOINKLE DAY. WHEN WE SAY ITS A SHPADOINKLE DAY! [In homage to the old Broadway tradition of reprising a song over and over again, this is the first of two reprises of Shpadoinkle. Jill created wonderfully disgusting choreography for this number where Bell winds up being wheeled across the stage in the wheelbarrow. It ends with all the miners gathered around, arms out in a traditional end of song pose.] MILLER Hey, how longs it gonna take?

34 PACKER (from his position at the end of Shpadoinkle!) Oh, not more than like three weeks at the most. MILLER All right. Im in. [Miller stuck his hand out at the end here to complete the final pose. It always got a laugh. The audience didnt have a chance for applause, however, because we went right into the next number, Dont Be Stupid. Stupid was cut from the film, so we were lucky to get a copy of the music. Although its rather brief, I did want another song in the show and this was a chance for the ensemble to have focus early on. Now in terms of character motivation, we could never figure out a good reason for Miller to join the miners after being so adamant against going in the first place. We finally decided that nobody could resist the power of a musical number.] (Our faithful crew head out. Blackout.)

UNIT NINE DONT BE STUPID In which the Ensemble warn the miners of the danger ahead [MUSIC CUE 5: DONT BE STUPID!] ENSEMBLE DONT BE STUPID! WAIT UNTIL SPRING! THE MOUNTAINS IN THE WINTER ARE A TREACHEROUS THING! JUST LOOK AT THESE FOOLS, THEY THINK THEY CAN MAKE IT! ITLL BE TWENTY BELOW, AND THEY SAY THEY CAN TAKE IT! WHAT A BUNCH OF STUPID MOTHER [The music for this song has them singing fuckers in beautiful harmony. I thought it was funnier to plunge them into black before they hit that lyric. The lights on this next scene rose to reveal the group in a tableau, their positions commenting on their current predicament. The tableau idea was a last minute addition, added the night before opening.]

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UNIT TEN MY FIRST BAD FEELING In which El Gato presents an omen PACKER And so Lianne and I headed east with the other miners, thinking it would be a nice happy trip. And four weeks later, we were just outside of Provo. (Our faithful crew heads back on.) MILLER Three weeks my ass, Packer! PACKER Thats when I got my first bad feeling. NOON Geez, sure is a lot of walking. I swear my legs are killing me. How much farther to Provo? PACKER Weve got to be really close now. BELL And then from Provo, how far to Breckenridge? PACKER See, I always have Lianne with me when I go out, so I dont know how long its gonna take us on foot. HUMPHREY Gosh, I sure wish I had a horse. for yours, Packer? I didnt. How much did you pay

PACKER Shes been mine since I was little.

BELL Well, she certainly is a Shpadoinkle horse. (EL GATO, an insane puppet, appears.) [This was the first of two brilliant props designed and built by MPRA graduate student Noah Harrell. El Gato was based on Itchy the Cat from The Simpsons. When I first saw the infrastructure, it looked a nice, reasonable size. Then Noah went crazy and built layer upon layer until the

36 final piece was a monstrous cat with crazy eyes and floppy arms. It was amazing construction and loomed over its operator, Kate Carson-Groner. The cat was justified because there was a black cat that made random appearances throughout the movie as an omen. So I figured, why not combine the two and have the symbolic omen play the soothsayer role? The role is homage to Crazy Ralph from the Friday the 13th film series. Kate did the pre-recorded voice, with me filling in the psychotic laugh.] PACKER (To El Gato) Could you tell us how much further it

Oh, umhello! is to Provo?

BELL We have to get some supplies for our big trip into the Rocky Mountains. EL GATO Youll never come back again. Its got a curse on it. HUMPHREY Provo? EL GATO The Rocky Mountains. I gotta warn you. Youre doomed, doomed, doomed! Youre doomed, doomed! Turn back while you still can. Youre doomed! Youre all doomed! (El Gato disappears.) MINERS Thank you. UNIT ELEVEN THE STORE In which the Miners realize Packers the wrong guide for them.. PROJECTION: A GENERAL STORE IN PROVO (FINALLY) (A SHOPKEEPER appears with a crate of goods. She kicks back reading a tabloid.) [Brooke played the shopkeeper. Shes so wonderfully deadpan that at first I didnt think she got the joke. But then the joke was on meshe got it. She

37 was reading a National Enquirer during this scene, and the fudge is the beginning of a very long set-up.] BELL Howdy. SHOPKEEPER Howdy. NOON Howdy. SHOPKEEPER Howdy. SWAN How do you do? SHOPKEEPER Howdy. MILLER Howdy. SHOPKEEPER How do you do? HUMPHREY Howdy. SHOPKEEPER Howdy. PACKER How do you do? SHOPKEEPER Howdy. PACKER Hey, theyve got maps to Colorado territory. [Katrina Rice designed the map, along with several other period props.] MILLER Jesus, now he needs a fucking map!

38 BELL Miller, if you dont want to go, dont go. But if you cant get along with the others, Im gonna have to put you in time out. [This is the beginning of another long joke set-up. Comedy works in threes.] MILLER In what? BELL Anyone who cant get along with the others has to sit twenty feet away by themselves for an hour. SWAN Thats a good idea. It gives you a chance to cool down when things get steamed up. BELL Exactly. MILLER Youve gotta be kidding me. You guys! HUMPHREY They have fudge here!

[There goes that set-up.] What about blankets? NOON Shouldnt we get more?

BELL Thats a good idea. Lets just do this as quickly as possible. I think were already running a little behind schedule. MILLER What schedule? UNIT TWELVE ARABIANS A TRAPPER HORSE In which the Trappers flex their muscles and a rivalry is set (Packer sees FRENCHY, NUTTER and LOUTZENHESIER, three bad ass Trappers, outside petting Lianne)

39

[One of my favorite films is Russ Meyers Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! Its about a trio of tough go-go dancers who rough up a bizarre family of men who hold them hostage. Knowing that we were inevitably going to work together, Becky White said she was tired of playing the ingnue roles. So when we watched Faster Pussycat together, a collective light bulb went off over our heads. I began working on how I was going to justify the trappers as women. However, the lyrics in their song refer to them as trapping MEN. I just sucked it up and played it without apologies. I think it worked. Again, they are poorly written characters, so we developed individual personalities for the trappers. Frenchy, the leader, was the toughest one. Loutzenheiser was small, but deadly, and attired in S&M gear. Nutter was nuts pretty, but dumb as a rock.] BELL Do we have a schedule, Mr. Packer? (Packer runs to Lianne. The Shopkeeper disappears with her crate of goods.) SWAN Mr. Packer? FRENCHY Is this your horse? PACKER Yep. FRENCHY Purty. PACKER (Grabs Frenchys hand from Lianne and shakes it.) Im Alferd Packer. FRENCHY Frenchy Cabazon. PACKER Oh, youre French. FRENCHY No.

40 PACKER Oh. FRENCHY Were just stopping through your quaint little town here on the way to Colorado territory. PACKER Oh, Im not from here. In fact, Im leading a party to Colorado territory myself. NUTTER Whereabouts? PACKER Breckenridge FRENCHY Is that near Saguache? Saguache is PACKER Um, yeah, its, uhnear Saguache.

[Teds awkwardness as Packer trying to appear smart was great.] (The other Miners gather around Packer Sharks vs. Jets.) FRENCHY Say, you gents wanna trade some furs for the trip? (She pulls a bloody pelt from pouch.) Weve got rabbits and beavers.

her

[I told Becky not to throw away the beaver part. She delivered it straight to Nate, who could never keep a straight face.] SWAN How horrible! HUMPHREY Whered you guys get all those little dead animals? LOUTZENHEISER Were trappers, stupid!

41 PACKER Poor little bunny rabbits? FRENCHY Figured you were all trappers, too. (Re. Lianne) Shes an Arabian, aint she? PACKER Yeah. FRENCHY Arabians are trapper horses. [Robyn slapped a vibraslap at this point, to make the rattlesnake warning sound alerting the audiencetrouble is nigh.] LOUTZENHEISER You aint trappers MILLER No, were miners. NUTTER Youre diggers. LOUTZENHEISER Trapper horse aint supposed to be with no digger. HUMPHREY (Attempted sarcasm, Coonskin Cap) Nice hat. [Completely random attempt at an insult. In the film, it referred to a skunk hat. In ours, it was about Loutzenheisers leather biker cap. Additionally, we had them turn on the miners in retaliation.] FRENCHY Oh boy, a bunch of diggers tracing through the Rockies in the middle of winter. Thats rich. NUTTER Ill say. re. Nutters

42 FRENCHY Dont you boys know how scary the mountains are? What are you gonna do if you run into some Injuns? Or the Cyclops? HUMPHREY Theres no Cyclops in the Rocky Mountains. you guys? BELL Were not afraid of anything. side. Is there,

We have Jesus on our

[Nate, smugly wielding his trusty Book of Mormon, always got a laugh] FRENCHY Oh well, if youre not scared or anything. AAAAGH! (He fakes out Packer, who screams and falls.) Have a nice trip, boys. (The Trappers exit. up.) BELL Goodbye. SWAN So, whos cooking dinner tonight? Ill cook. HUMPHREY Im a great cook Bell helps Packer

MILLER Humphrey, everyone knows youre a chronic liar. But I can! HUMPHREY Im a super cook!

UNIT THIRTEEN A HORSE IS A HORSE In which Packer begins to doubt Lianne [MUSIC CUE 6: SCENE SHIFT!!!] [This scene shift was handled as efficiently as possible, but as always the advantage film has over theatre is the tool of editing.

43 In the beginning I wanted an electric light-up campfire. I finally threw together a two-dimension cartoon cutout that effective and aesthetically pleasing. Also, the green crap was colored oatmeal. As an homage within homage, Nate, as Bell, was reading The Odyssey, which we lifted from the movie. This was such a subtle reference to the other Odyssey references such as the Indians-as-Sirens and, of course, the Cyclops.] (The scene SHIFTS to a campsite. The Miners are watching Humphrey cook some nasty green crap over a fake campfire.) MILLER You son of a bitch, Humphrey! Oh, come on. HUMPHREY You havent even tried it yet! (Miller tries some of the crap.) MILLER You son of a bitch, Humphrey. SWAN (Scarfing down the crap.) Mmmm, this stuff is great! Can I have some more of the yellow stuff? [The eternally optimistic Swan wasnt a far stretch for Ryan Brown to play.] PACKER (Grooming Lianne) Hey, do you guys think its true that shes a trapper horse? BELL Ohhh, a horse is a horse. HUMPHREY Of course. PACKER Of course. But I dont ever trapper horses, are they? think Arabians are

44 [The horse is a horse is, of course, a reference to the old television show Mr. Ed. Many more people got this joke than I had imagined would. I suppose TV Land is good for something, after all.] SWAN What matters, Mr. Packer, is that youre good to that horse. Trappers never are. BELL Hes right. MILLER Man, you guys make me sick. What is this, a feel-good convention? BELL Now, listen, weve got a long journey ahead of us. Its important that we all get along. Now, youre hurting peoples feelings. Youre gonna have to find a more constructive way to express your anger. Okay, well, fuck you! MILLER Hows that for constructive?

[This is probably my favorite line in the entire script. I have no idea why, but it seems to sum up the sophomoric attitude of the show. Of course, a bunch of miners hiking through the Rocky Mountains in the 1870s probably werent discussing feel-good conventions and social sensitivity. With dialogue like this, all rules were out the window.] Thats great. BELL Now go to time out, mister.

[This was funny, but in the grand theory of comedy, it was only the second step in a comic triad.] SWAN We warned you. MILLER God, you guys are weird. (Miller walks fifteen feet away.) Uh-uh-uh! BELL Twenty feet away.

45 BELL (CONT.) (Miller walks five more feet and plops down.) You know the rules. (Miller turns away)

Turn around.

UNIT FOURTEEN NOON IS HORNY In which Noon pleads for sex [Getting Susie into the mindset of a horny teenaged boy was one of my challenges. No amount of explaining the psychology ever worked. Eventually I told her that she has a carrot and two potatoes dangling uncomfortably between her legs, and the only way shed be able to get rid of them is to have sex. Somehow, this analogy worked.] NOON Man, I cant wait to get to Breckenridge and see all those pretty women. SWAN Thats really all you care about, isnt it! NOON I mean, Ive been hiking around with my dad for ages. Its like the only people we see are guys. I think the only time Ive actually seen a woman was in Salt Lake City. And all the women there are so HUMPHREY Mormon. NOON Im nineteen now, you know. I mean I just wanna get in there and see what it feels like toyou know. PACKER What? BELL Well, young man, if theres half as much gold in those hills as people say, youll be rich, and you wont have any problem finding, uhhhthat. PACKER What?What?

46

UNIT FIFTEEN ALL IM ASKING FOR In which the Miners plead for their dreams to come true [MUSIC CUE 7: THATS ALL IM ASKING FOR!] NOON I KNOW THAT THERES MORE TO LIFE THAN WOMEN I JUST CANT SEEM TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ELSE THERE IS I DONT NEED IT EVERY NIGHT, EVERY MORNING WOULD BE JUST FINE A LITTLE SEX, THATS ALL IM ASKIN FOR THATS ALL IM ASKIN FOR! MINERS THATS ALL HES ASKIN FOR! NOON SOMETHING I CAN TEST, A GAL WOULD SUIT ME BEST I GOT A THING TO USE, I KNOW WHAT TO USE IT FOR A GIRL I CAN LOVE AND KISS AND HOLD AND FU(Bell slaps his hand over Noons mouth in time) THATS ALL IM ASKIN FOR! BELL NOW I DONT WANNA BE RICH FOR THE SAKE OF WOMEN I WANNA BE RICH FOR THE SAKE OF OUR LORD ENOUGH TO BUILD A CHURCH WHERE EVERYONE CAN COME ENOUGH FOR THE LORD THATS ALL IM ASKIN FOR THATS ALL IM ASKIN FOR MINERS THATS ALL HES ASKIN FOR HUMPHREY IT AINT A LOT TO ASK IM SURE WELL GET IT FAST A FRIEND OF MINE WAS MINING AND HE MADE A LOT OF CASH

47 HE MADE A GAZILLION DOLLARS, HOW IS THAT? THATS ALL IM ASKIN FOR! MILLER He did not make a gazillion dollars! You wanna ask him? HUMPHREY Ill tell you where he lives!

MINERS THATS ALL HES ASKIN FOR HUMPHREY THATS ALL IM ASKIN FOR SWAN WE TIRED OF BEING SICK WERE SICK OF BEING POOR WEVE HAD A LITTLE LUCK NOW WE WANT A LITTLE MORE MINERS ENOUGH SO WED NEVER DO ANYTHING ANYMORE THATS ALL WERE ASKIN FOR SWAN Hey, what about you, Mr. Miller? for? MILLER No, no. I dont sing. BELL If you can talk, you can sing. What are you askin

Aw, come on.

MILLER I just wanna make enough so I can open up a shop of my own and go on with my family trade. BELL Well, there, thats great! What is it you do? MILLER Im a butcher. NOON Youre a butcher?!

48 MILLER Yeah. [Fun moment here. I wanted to implicate Miller as the real cannibal in Packers version of the story.] (The other miners edge their way away from Miller.) PACKER IVE NEVER HAD MUCH IN THE WAY OF FRIENDS OR FAMLY MY HORSE IS THE ONLY PAL IVE EVER KNOWN ID LIKE TO BUILD A RANCH IN THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN AIR A HOME FOR US, THATS ALL IM ASKIN FOR! MINERS THATS ALL WERE ASKIN FOR! THATS ALL WERE ASKIN FOR! WERE TIRED OF BEING SICK, WERE SICK OF BEING POOR WEVE HAD A LITTLE LUCK, NOW WE WANT A LITTLE MORE NOON A GIRL I CAN LOVE! BELL A CHURCH! PACKER A RANCH! MILLER ASTORE. MINERS THATS ALL WERE ASKIN THATS ALL WERE ASKIN THATS ALL WERE ASKIN FOR! (All laugh.) [Guys singing and dancing. Thats always pretty damn funny. They fell into a huge cuddle puddle at the end of the number. Knee slapping galore. It was so syrupy sappy, you could puke.]

49

SWAN Shpadoinkle! (More laughter!) PACKER You know, the thing I think I want more than anything is just to go south to Saguache and find those Trappers, and go right up to them and go, Ha! We made it! [Time for the buzz kill] (El Gato reappears.) Youre doomed! EL GATO Youre all doomed! (El Gato re-disappears.) PACKER Heh. Yeah. (Blackout.) UNIT SIXTEEN LIANNEMISSING! In which Packer begins the search for his lost love PROJECTION: THE NEXT MORNING (Rooster sound. [Kate provided the prerecorded rooster sound. Our little homage to our production of Cyrano in which she did the same live.] Lights rise. Here girl! Lianne! HUMPHREY (Asleep) Coming, mom! PACKER I dont know where she could be. Lianne is GONE!!!)

PACKER

50

NOON You had her tied up, didnt you? PACKER No, I never do. Lianne! HUMPHREY (Still asleep) This is my house! [Parker has never explained Humphreys outbursts. Were assuming that this is the phenomenon that occurs whenever an adolescent male, in the liminal state of R.E.M., is given a wake-up call for school.] BELL Whats going on here? NOON Packers horse left. What?! MILLER Our food was on that horse! HUMPHREY Im tired.

Shut up, you guys!

PACKER Shell be back. She probably just went ahead to find some water or something. Lianne! Here, girl! Hey, cmon, Packer. Well, I cant go now. BELL We should get going. PACKER Ive got to find her.

MILLER Whoa, whoa, whoa! Look, asshole, you said youd take us to Breckinridge. Youre not gonna leave us here to find it ourselves. PACKER Well, Im not gonna leave here without her.

51 MILLER (Pulling out his gun) Well, I say you are. [Nates brilliant ad lib: he steps between Miller and Packer with a raised finger and mouths, Time out. In terms of dramatic action, the stakes are now raised, and the gun has been introduced.] BELL (Pushing down the gun) Weve got to keep moving, Packer. Especially now that weve lost all our food. We have to get to the next town as soon as possible. NOON Hey, Packer, looks like her trails lead off that way. Maybe shes in front of us. PACKER Maybe. (The lights to half, the gang follows ahead.) UNIT SEVENTEEN THE BEAR TRAP In which Bells dire fate is set PACKER Liannes tracks headed east, and so I kept following them. The men didnt care as long as we were still aiming for Breckenridge. And then something happened that changed everything. (Lights return. A bear trap is set.)

[It seemed proper that the S&M loving Loutzenheiser should set the bear trap.] PACKER Here, girl! HUMPHREY How far to Colorado territory? [Slam back another shot.]

52 PACKER Weve got to be pretty close. Lianne! (He tries a two-fingered whistle and fails.) Shes lost. MILLER She just took off.

I dont know. Here, girl!

Shes not lost.

PACKER She didnt just take off. Were friends, and friends dont just take off. HUMPHREY Watch out for that bear trap. BELL What? Ahhhhhhhhhhh! (Bell steps into a bear trap. Ahhhhhhhhhh! Shpadoinkle!!! SNAP!)

[We didnt get this crucial prop until the night before the preview. When it finally came in, I was relieved. Built by Dana Hunt, it was this bizarre looking, monstrous contraption that worked on a simple mechanism. Nate steps on a central support stick that falls off, allowing the two spring-loaded halves to snap up. Simple, but effective.] MILLER Get it open! (The Miners try to pull the trap off.) HUMPHREY You guys are doing it wrong. You do it like this. (Humphrey manages to open the trap, but it SNAPS SHUT AGAIN! Bell screams.) Whoops! Okay. (Humphrey opens it again, and it SNAPS SHUT AGAIN!) PACKER Here, let me try. (Packer successfully removes the bear trap.) Hey, I did it!

53 BELL Who the heck put a bear trap here? MILLER Its not that bad, is it? BELL I dont know. Let me see. (Bell kicks Humphrey in the ass with the bad leg.) HUMPHREY Ow! BELL Yeah, its fine. [Cheap joke swift kick to the rear, followed by Kent rubbing his sore butt.] UNIT EIGHTEEN THE RIVER In which the Miners forge on, and lose their direction (The Ensemble enters with a long piece of blue fabric. They do that old river theatre trick by pulling the sheet and waving it.) HUMPHREY Hey, look you guys, the Green River. [This actually worked. The two girls entering with the cloth, combined with Kents how ridiculous is this delivery, gave us the laugh. However, I never stopping thinking of a way to split the stage in half.] (Bell washes off his leg in the river.) BELL Boy, Im not having much luck on this trip, am I? SWAN Ah, look on the bright side. At least you didnt get your head caught in that thing. NOON How the hell are we supposed to cross this?

54 PACKER Wait, theres supposed to be a bridge. far north. Or too far south. MILLER Some guide. HUMPHREY Okay, we take our wheelbarrow, build it into a little boat, and then ride it across, and then build it back into a wheelbarrow again! NOON Talk about a waste of time. Dont be such a horses as. Sorry, Packer. How deep do you think it is? (Packer picks up a rock and tosses it in the river. It bounces off one of the Ensemble members heads.) ENSEMBLE (Deadpan) Ow. MILLER What the hell is that supposed to prove? PACKER WellumI dont know. BELL Lets just see what we can carry. (They hoist their bags over their head.) NOON You really think we can make it? SWAN Sure, just as long as we all go at once. That way if one of us starts shooting downstream, well all be there to catch him. [Ralf actually pointed out this joke to me. Swan says all this, but he ultimately jumps the gun and leaps into the river before anyone else.] NOON Downstream?

We must be too

55

MILLER Nobodys going downstream. HUMPHREY This is gonna suck. Okay. Three! (Everyone else runs in. They wash offstage.) Strobe effect. BELL On three. One. Two. (Swan runs into the water.)

[This became the much contested underwater ballet. Meghan absolutely hated this. This moment began with the audience getting sprayed by ensemble members wielding water guns. Then the stage was washed in blue light. Miller made a quick dash out for a costume change. Ryan was swept off, striking the wheelbarrow. Humphrey and Bell had a sweet moment together as they danced offuntil the undertow split them apart. Finally, Packer drifted off, mouthing Lianne. All the while, Robyn was underscoring with the love theme from Titanic. In the end, however, the audience loved it.] UNIT NINETEEN CAMPFIRE LOVE In which the Miners bond together for warmth (The Miners enter, wet.) NOON I cant feel my balls! [There was something odd about hearing this little girls voice saying this line. But, its was this reading in callbacks that won her the part.] Hey, Packer, any Breckenridge? more BELL big rivers between here and

[Nate held the key to this set-up, yet throughout the rehearsal he kept saying, between here and the Colorado. Of course, it ruined the joke. He finally hit it during the performances.] PACKER

56 No. Just the Colorado. NOON I cant feel my balls!

You guys!

SWAN We better set up camp quick and get out of these clothes. Otherwise, well get sick with hypothermia or something awful. Hes right. BELL We gotta get some body heat going. (They bags. begin slipping into sleeping The campfire slides back on.) That scared

NOON Yeah. Im starting to feel them again. the shit out of me.

HUMPHREY Oh gosh, I never thought Id be sleeping next to a naked man on this trip. NOON Just do what Im doing. Just pretend like youre laying next to a nice, soft woman. MILLER What?! NOON Im just imagining old Mr. Miller here as a nice, tall blonde. Aww, goddamnit! MILLER I want a different partner!

[Miller ran off the stage, completely naked, revealing his butt to the audiences pleasure. He stripped off before this entrance and came in wrapped in an Indian blanket. This stopped the show coldbut in a good way. I wonder what the attending faculty member thought when they saw this part of their student revealed]

BELL

57 I think we should all take a minute and thank the Lord for helping us get over the river. [At one point, Nate took a pause after Lord. It worked. With the ensuing prayers, Humphrey muttered peas and carrots, peas and carrots. They all ended with amen.] (They each mutter their own pathetic half-assed prayer.) I cant go on. some fudge! HUMPHREY Im so hungry. little

Oh, wait, Ive got

(He pulls a chunk out of his sack and starts munching.) [Theres the second part of that triad.] UNIT TWENTY ON TOP OF YOU In which Packer proclaims his loss and heartbreak over Lianne Hey, Packer. NOON You really miss Lianne, dont you? PACKER I just cant believe shed just take

Boy, Ill say. off like that.

SWAN Dont worry, Mr. Packer. Theres plenty of horses in the world. Youll find another one. PACKER I dont want another one. [MUSIC CUE 8: WHEN I WAS ON TOP OF YOU!] PACKER SHELL NEVER KNOW WHAT SHE MEANS TO ME WHENEVER I WAS WITH HER I WAS ALWAYS AS GENTLE AS I COULD BE AND NOW I DONT KNOW WHY, BUT SHES GONE AWAY AND ILL JUST HAVE TO STAND ON MY OWN TWO LEGS

58

(A PACKER LOOKALIKE emerges, and romps with a LITTLE LEEANN TRICYCLE) [Ted was so damn good we wound up cutting the Baby Packer bit.] YOUR EYES, YOUR SMILE MADE MY LITTLE LIFE WORTHWHILE THERE WAS NOTHING I COULDNT DO WHEN I WAS ON TOP OF YOU ID AND ID AND BUT AND PULL HER HAIR AND SHED KNOW TO STOP WHEN SHED LOOK BEHIND HER, ALWAYS BE THERE NOW I DONT KNOW WHY, SHE, SHES GONE ALL I CAN DO IS TRY TO CARRY ON (The Packer Lookalike and Leeann share a soda) [Erin flashed a close-up picture of a horse on the screen.] YOUR EYES, YOUR SMILE MADE MY LITTLE LIFE WORTHWHILE THE SKY WAS A LOT MORE BLUE WHEN I WAS ON TOP OF YOU (Packer Lookalike and Leeann fade away) [Ted picked up his blanket, fondled it, and opened it revealing a horse.] WHEN I WAS ON TOP WHEN I WAS ON TOP WHEN I WAS ON TOP OF YOU HUMPHREY (Offering a bit of chocolate) Fudge, Packer? [And, finally, that payoff. Heres an example of where lighting can make or break a joke. Sasha had the lights going to half after the song. Humphreys joke was lost. I asked her to keep the lights at the same level to hold the moment. The line got a laugh.]

59 UNIT TWENTY-ONE POLLY LEADS ON In which Packer willing shares his story (Packer crosses back to the cell. Polly is on the other side of the bars, pad and pencil in hand.) PACKER She was the only one I had. The only thing that made me feel important. The only thing that made me feel wanted. That night I swore Id get those men to Breckenridge as fast as possible. POLLY So that was the last time you saw her? PACKER No, I saw her again all right. POLLY The trappers took her. PACKER I dont know if anybody took her. But a few weeks later we crossed over into Colorado territory. [You should be tipsy by now.] UNIT TWENTY-TWO Utes are Indians In which the Miners hide, Humphrey brags, and all are screwed (The other Miners reappear SOAKING WET. Packer rejoins them. There is snow sprinkled in the crevices.) HUMPHREY Are there any more big rivers between here and Breckenridge? (Imitating Packer) Oh no, just the Colorado. The biggest fucking river Ive seen in my entire life, he said dripping with water! PACKER It didnt use to be that big.

60 BELL Well, I suppose we should all get into our bags again. MILLER NO! Lets just keep walking. At least until the sun goes down. I aint THAT cold. PROJECTION: GREETINGS POSTCARD FROM THE GRAND CANYON

[Instead of a projection, I had Brooke bring in a cartoon-looking sign saying Grand Canyon. Now, actually, we didnt think this was really the Grand Canyon. It didnt fit with the logical geography of their journey. But Parker didnt say it wasnt, and it was always a funny joke. I think the sign worked better than a projection because Brooke had a visible reaction to the miners idiocy.] Oh, this is good, Christopher Columbus. Well, we made it. MILLER Packer. Youre just a regular

PACKER This is Colorado territory.

NOON Looks like were gonna make it after all. PACKER Come on, we can just walk around it. big. Hey, look you guys. SWAN Snow! It cant be that

(Packer sees something in the distance and freezes.) BELL What is it, Packer? PACKER Up over that ridge. (Lights reveal the INDIAN WARRIOR and a BRAVE. They look vaguely Japanese. In fact, they are KABUKI INDIANS!!!)

61 [The Indians. Trey Parker cast Japanese actors as the Indians for a complete and total anachro-fest. Ralf, the Indian Warrior, is African-American, and Kyle, the Brave, has New York features. So we gave Ralf a huge afro, track pants, and war paint. Kyle had a coolie hat and karate suit. So, there is NO justification for any of this. It was so bizarre it was funny.] MILLER Utes! PACKER No, I think theyre Indians. BELL Utes ARE Indians SWAN (Playing with snow) Hey, you guys wanna build a snowman or something? BELL Shut up, Swan! Get down. (The groups, sans the distracted Swan, duck and cover. The Indians advance.) PACKER Do you think they see us? BELL I dont know (He looks up. The Indians are right in front of them.) WARRIOR (In Japanese) Kimi wa nani ono da? (Who are you?) (The other Miners smile and rise.) BELL Morning. PACKER Morning. (No response.)

62

BELL Oh, shit. Kitanai minari shabby.) BRAVE shiyagatte. (Your clothing is really

BELL (To Packer, sotto) What is that, Ute? PACKER (Sotto) I dont know. BRAVE Momotaro shiteru na? (Know about Momotaro?) (The Indians laugh. them, uncomfortably) The Miners join

NOON (Sotto) What the hell kind of language is that? PACKER I dont know. (Sotto) Just keep laughing. (The Miners laugh) Wait, you guys. speak Indian. HUMPHREY Let me talk to them. I know how to

(He approaches the Indians.) BELL Were gonna die. HUMPHREY (Not really Japanese) Weep wah, weep wah, surro no happo. WARRIOR

63 Nani itto n jaa, omee? (What the heck are you saying?)

HUMPHREY (to Miners, simultaneously signing Jesus Christ is dead.) He say, Welcome to the Land of Blue Light. BRAVE Omai wa sono uchi, sakan to ishoo ni onemu suru koto ni naru zo! (Keep it up and youll be sleeping with the fishes, see?!) HUMPHREY (to Miners) I am a carpenter, and this is my brother, Tom. MILLER Humphrey, you are so full of shit! PACKER Ask them if theyve seen a brown horse with a freckled nose. [Packers one-track mind. This defined his action throughout the play.] BELL He doesnt know what theyre saying. (Swan throws a snowball smacks him in the face.) [Jeff Fuell created these wonderful snowballs with weight.] SWAN (Laughing) Gotcha! (The Indians laugh at Bell. Miller pulls a gun and walks fast toward the Warrior, pointing it in his face. The Warrior kicks the gun away and draws a kitana blade on Humphrey.) [This was a difficult moment in fight rehearsal. Good fights have to have true motivations. Lee asked why the Warrior pulled his kitana. I said it was in retaliation to Miller pulling his gun. In reality I think it was because Trey at Bell and

64 Parker dropped a lot of acid during that time and thought it looked pretty damn cool.] BRAVE Nanda?! Sugu kotchi koi!! Haiyaku! Haiyaku! (What the heck?! Come here immediately!! Quickly! Quickly!) WARRIOR Kuso, bakayarou! Kono eiga ga daikirai zo. you moron! I hate this movie.) (Shit,

(The Brave grabs Humphrey and faces him to the sword.) HUMPHREY Uh, you guysI think they want us to follow them. BRAVE Ike. Kono eiga ga suggoi baka na eiga da na! This is a really stupid movie!) PACKER What should we do? NOON Maybe they just want Humphrey. Kotchi koi!!! WARRIOR (Come here!!) (Go.

BELL I guess we dont have much choice. (The Miners follow the Indians off.) UNIT TWENTY-THREE YA! YA! YA! In which the Chief welcomes the assholes and Noon falls in lust [MUSIC CUE 9: SCENE SHIFT!!!] PROJECTION: INDIAN CAMP. JAPANESE FLAGS) (THE TEEPEES ARE MADE FROM

65 (The Indians and Miners re-enter. The Warrior exits. The Brave begins doing Tae Kwon Do exercises.) [As the miners entered the camp, Robyn played that stereotypical Chinese ditty from all the old black-and-white movies on the piano, and Stefani played war drums back stage to the same rhythm.] NOON Were in a lot of trouble here, arent we? BELL Just stay calm, let me do the talking. dont say anything. Humphrey,

MILLER This is the weirdest Indian tribe Ive ever seen. (The INDIAN CHIEF enters. friendly and always smiling.) Hes

[David Andrews, a true genius, entered to the sound of a loud, reverberating gong. Bridget Tunstall did his wonderful Kabuki make-up. His costume was a red Adidas tracksuit and a single feather. I gave him very little direction just pointed him in the right direction and told him dont worry about being offensive. Some Japanese friends of Kate came in and said the only note theyd have is on the pronunciation of the words, that the culture twists were actually very funny.] CHIEF Ya, ya, ya! Yoki kita na! Kimi ga kno eiga no shujinkoo na n daroo? (Hi hi hi! Welcome! I guess you are the hero of this movie?) HUMPHREY He saysCHIEF (Broken English) Who are you, assholes? HUMPHREY Oh, he speaks English! BELL We are from Utah.

66 (The Chief looks confused. Bell pulls out his handy pocket Book of Mormon.) Utah. CHIEF Ahh, Utah! BELL Could you tell me what tribe this is? CHIEF We areIndians! Yes, I see that. BELL But what Indians?

CHIEF You dont think we are Indians? BELL No, noI justCHIEF We have teepees! BELL Right, I see, butCHIEF Look at all these teepees we have. Indians! Becausewe are

[During this, Erin was on the projector hastily scribbling in more teepees.] PACKER Yeah, they have teepees. (A beautiful INDIAN SQUAW emerges and joins the Chief. Noon beams.) [Kate played the Indian squaw, dressed in short-shorts, a white wife beater with a red dot, and a little feather.] CHIEF What is your destination?

67 PACKER Breckenridge. BELL Its a small town east of here. I know. CHIEF There are lots of gold, ya? SWAN Ya, thats the place. CHIEF Im afraid there is terrible storm in the mountains. If you like, wait here with us and other assholes for storm to calm down. (Noon starts flirting with the Squaw. She flirts back.) PACKER What other assholes? CHIEF Ten days ago, a group of assholes like yourselves came through here. I told them they should wait for the storm to end. BELL Well, where are they. CHIEF (To Brave) Ishoo ni kure! BRAVE Hai! (He exits.) CHIEF (To Miners) Choueechi will get them. But Dinner in one hour.

dont

be

too

long.

[There was a joke herebut I never could find the reference.]

68 (The Chief and the Brave exit, leaving behind the Squaw. The Miners disperse.) BELL Thank youChief. NOON (To Squaw) Yep. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. I like your feather.

(Noon jiggles his pocket change as the Squaw giggles and exits.) UNIT TWENTY-FOUR MINERS DIVIDED In which Miller and Humphrey plot to escape, and the other disagree MILLER Hey, screw this, man. If theyre not keeping us here, lets just ask fro some food and be on our way. HUMPHREY Yeah, we want to get to Breckenridge before all the golds gone, remember? I dont know. storm out. SWAN I really think we oughta wait that NOON (Looking where the Squaw exited) Yeah, me too. SWAN Indians know what theyre talking about when it comes to weather. UNIT TWENTY-FIVE THE TRAPPERS RETURN In which Frenchy rubs salt in Packers wound (The Brave re-enters, followed by THE TRAPPERS!!! The Brave scurries off.) FRENCHY Well, look whos here.

69 PACKER Ah, crap. [I had Ted on the wrong side of the stage here, so I told him to scurry across with one hand up to his face, hiding from the Trappers. The movement was very quirky and it worked.] FRENCHY So you boys were lucky enough to run into the Nahunjin too, huh? Good thing. You diggers wouldve died for sure in that storm. Say, what happened to your horse, Packer? HUMPHREY She ran away. (Packer hits Humphrey) What? FRENCHY (Laughing) Boy, thats a stitch. NUTTER (Laughing) Ill say. PACKER Whats so funny? FRENCHY Cmon, Packer. Its only a matter of time. Trapper horse cant spend her whole life with no boring, dumb, cheezemo miner! [Cheezemo is another Parkerism that reappears in his work.] PACKER Its better than just leaving traps where people can step in them and stuff. [Nothing betrays a limited vocabulary as the addition of and stuff.] NOON Yeah, killing all those fuzzy little animals all the time. LOUTZENHEISER

70 Aw, dont hurt the widdle animals! HUMPHREY Nice hat! PACKER Well, Id rather be a miner than a trapper any day. FRENCHY You guys dont even know what it means to be a trapper! NUTTER Yeah! Tell em, Frenchy! UNIT TWENTY-SIX THE TRAPPER SONG In which Frenchy praises the hard-scrabble life [MUSIC CUE 10: TRAPPER SONG!] FRENCHY (NUTTER & LOUTZENHEISER) I CAN CATCH A HELPLESS ANIMAL SKIN IT WITH MY BARE HANDS I WAKE UP MUDDY AND I GO TO BED BLOODY CAUSE IM A TRAPPIN MAN I CAN BRAVE THE NASTIEST WEATHER (WEATHER!) EVEN IF ITS EIGHTY BELOW (BELOW!) MY PA WAS AN ELEPHANT BUT THATS IRRELEVANT MY MA WAS AN ESKIMO I EAT RABBITS HEADS FOR BREAKFAST (BREAKFAST!) WITH BEAVER BUTT ON THE SIDE (THE SIDE!) MY MINDS MAGNIFICENT AND MY BODY NO DIFFERENT IM FULL OF TRAPPER PRIDE! YO-HO! NUTTER YO-HO! LOUTZENHEISER YO-HO! FRENCHY

71 RIP THEIR FUR, CUT THEIR SKIN WITH MY KNIFE YO-HO! NUTTER YO-HO! LOUTZENHEISER YO-HO! FRENCHY (NUTTER & LOUTZENHEISER) ONE THINGS FOR SURE, THERES NOTHING LIKE A TRAPPIN LIFE! IM BADDER THAN THE BADDEST SAILOR (SAILOR!) I MAKE LOVE TO WOMEN TEN FEET TALL (GOOD LORD!) IVE GOT A CHEST OF WONDER AND BALLS OF THUNDER I CAN BREAK RIGHT THROUGH A WALL I LOVE THE SOUND OF METAL (METAL!) SNAPPING ON AN ANIMALS HEAD (KA-CHINK!) SOMETIMES THEY WHIMPER SOMETIMES THEY SCAMPER BUT THEY ALWAYS END UP DEAD LOUTZENHEISER (Caressing a baby doll) IVE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE SOMEBODY WHO DIDNT GET PUSHED AROUND NOW THAT IM A TRAPPER IM THE MEANEST GAL AROUND [The only moment of debate with Sasha. She couldnt justify the sudden appearance of the baby doll and suggested using the bloody bunny instead. Well, I wrestled with this. I liked the moment of Becky ripping off the dolls head, but I eventually gave in and let them use the bunny. It made sense in the end that Loutzenheiser, in her sensitive moment, would really love the fuzzy lil creature.] FRENCHY Second meanest! (He rips off the dolls head.) THE BLOOD OF A FRESH-CUT RODENT (RODENT) IS AS SWEET AS BRANDY WINE (DY-WINE)

72 AND THE BRAIN OF AN ANTELOPE TASTES LIKE CANTELOUPE WHAT A YUMMY LIFE! YO-HO! LOUTZENHEISER YO-HO! NUTTER YO-HO! FRENCHY RIP THEIR FUR, CUT THEIR EYES OUT WITH MY KNIFE YO-HO! LOUTZENHEISER YO-HO! NUTTER YO-HO! [Courtney had to sing her parts off-key, to her disappointment. She wanted to opportunity to show off her wonderful vocal talent. But she was so funny!] UNIT TWENTY-SEVEN MUSIC THEORY In which Packer discovers a clue and accuses Frenchy NOON (interrupting) Oh, stop! HUMPHREY Thats sick! I agree. FRENCH Nutter, you were singing in the wrong key! NUTTER It was Loutzenheiser. I was singing in

No, I wasnt. E flat minor.

FRENCHY The songs in F sharp major!

73

BELL I think theyre the same thing. relative minor of F sharp.

I mean, E flat is the

FRENCHY No, it isnt. The relative minor is three half-tones up from the major, not down! [In the film, the actor flubbed that last line, reversing the up and down. It wasnt logical, and knowing that SCAD has music students, I corrected it.] No, its three down. C major. NOON Like A is the relative minor of

LOUTZENHEISER But isnt A sharp in C major? BELL Wait; are you singing Mixolydian scales, or something? FRENCHY A sharp is tonic to C major. Its the sixth! HUMPHREY No, it isnt! SWAN Well, itd be like a raised thirteenth if anything. Oh, well. anyhow! Oh see! FRENCHY You guys are just a bunch of loser diggers

HUMPHREY You know were right!

[As an actor, I know that sometimes there are lines that just never stick. Well, spouting music theory in the middle of a show like this was completely mind blowing, and indeed was difficult to stick. I told them to blindly memorize it and dont overanalyze it. I think by the end of the run they finally had their lines perfect.] (Packer discovers the trappers.) a saddlebag behind

74 PACKER I knew it! This is Liannes food bag. and so, where is she? FRENCHY I dont know what youre talking about. on the way here. PACKER Youre a liar. FRENCHY Are you calling me a liar? PACKER Yes. NUTTER Youd be wise to get out of here, buddy. PACKER Look, Frenchy, you know where she is and Id really like(Frenchy grabs Packer by the balls and carries him across the stage.) [Working up to this moment was fun. Becky was reluctant to grab anywhere near Teds crotch, although the direction was to grab his thigh. Eventually it worked, and Ted sold it well. We wondered if it came from a past experience.] FRENCHY Nobody, but nobody, calls Frenchy Cabazon a liar! Hey, hey, hey now! SWAN Do you need to go to time out?

You dirty so

We found it

(Frenchy socks Swan in the face, knocking him flat.) Anyone else? Huh? my personal space! FRENCHY I didnt think so. Now get out of Packer

(The Miners begin to exit. pulls himself over to the cell.)

75

UNIT TWENTY-EIGHT AND THEN? In which Packer continues his entranced

tale

and

Polly

is

PACKER And so we stayed with the Indians and I watched the Trappers every move. POLLY So then(The SHERIFF enters behind POLLY. speaks in a thick, Scottish brogue.) He

[We justified the existence of a Scottish sheriff by him coming over through Ellis Island and never stopping until he got to Saguache. Weak, sure, but otherwise it was going to be another product of Parkers acid trips.] SHERIFF Oh, got him going on about the horse again, did ya? Come on, time to go back to the courthouse. UNIT TWENTY-NINE THE VERDICT In which the Judge condemns Packer to death (He pulls Packer to the main area, where a JUDGE and the Ensemble enter. Were in the courthouse.) [We piped in the Peoples Court theme over the sound system here. Old joke, sure, but it worked.] JUDGE The defendant will rise. (But hes already up.) Alferd Packer, a jury of twelve honest citizens have sat in judgment on your case and have found youguilty of murder and cannibalism! Alferd Packer, the judgment of this court is for you to be removed hence from the jail of Hinsdale County, and then be taken to a place of execution prepared for this purpose, within the limits of the town of Lake City. JUDGE (CONT.) And then and there be hung by the neck, until you are dead, dead, dead! And may god have mercy on your soul.

76

[This was almost verbatim the same speech given to the real life Packer, so I strictly forbade Stefani from paraphrasing. I felt since were taking so many liberties with his life, the least we could do was keep his death sentence intact.] UNIT THIRTY THE AFTER-PARTY In which Mills celebrates and Polly disses (The Ensemble goes crazy and exits. Mills runs up to Polly. The Sheriff begins to shackle Packer.) MILLS Hey, we won! POLLY Yes, you certainly did. (A shackled Packer across upstage.) is being dragged

MILLS So, I suppose it wont be hard for a prosecuting attorney to get a date for dinner?

winning

(He takes Pollys hand. Packer sees this with shock as he is jerked offstage.) POLLY No, I dont suppose it will. (She pulls her Sotto.) Asshole.

hand

away,

he

exits.

UNIT THIRTY-ONE THIS SIDE OF ME In which Polly embraces her love for Packer (She pulls out her pad and pencil. begins writing.) She

POLLY (CONT.) It was then that Packers horse, his only friend, ran away. Did this loss lead to his murdering and eating

77 hisunsuspecting companions? What could have caused his madness? (She puts down her pad.) I cant imagine him being so violent. He seems so harmless. Why should I care? [MUSIC CUE 11: THIS SIDE OF ME!] POLLY WHAT IS THIS MAGIC I FEEL? SEEMS NO MATTER WHERE I AM, IT FINDS ME PUTS THE MEMRIES OF HOPE INSIDE ME MAKES ME WARM ONCE MORE (Polly holds up a headshot of whoever plays Packer.) [Polly pulled Packers wanted poster down from the cell wall instead of using the headshot. Another case of using what you have.] HES JUST A QUIET MAN BUT HIS EYES CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH ME IS IT ONLY THAT I FEEL PITY? COULD IT BE SOMETHING MORE? SAFE AS AN ISLAND FAR OFF TO SEA ID ALMOST FORGOTTEN THIS SIDE OF ME (A JANITOR mops his way toward Polly, and looks off in the distance, toward wherever Polly is singing.) [I originally wanted a cameo by a faculty member. But when no faculty members were forthcoming, I reassigned the part to an ensemble member and changed the character. I felt the janitor gag would work best if it were played by somebody not already seen onstage, so I scrapped it in lieu of a sign interpreter. Brooke came out in a spot and did a fairly normal interpretation of Pollys lyricsuntil she got to the chorus. At which point it degenerated into a series of raunchy hand gestures and dance moves that brought down the house. A great cap to the first act.] WHAT IS THIS MAGIC I FEEL? THOUGHT THIS MUSHY STUFF WAS BELOW ME COULD IT BE HE IS THE ONE TO SHOW ME WHAT COMPASSION IS FOR?

78

(Polly catches moves off.)

him

staring,

and

he

SAFE AS AN ISLAND FAR OFF TO SEA ID ALMOST FORGOTTEN THIS SIDE OF ME PERHAPS IM NOT THE COLD BITCH I PRETENDED TO BE ID ALMOST FORGOTTEN THIS SIDE OF ME (Polly takes another look at her notes.) Ute Indian reservation? Hmm

(Blackout.) END OF ACT ONE

UNIT THIRTY-TWO LOVERS QUARREL In which Polly taunts, Packer denies, and then proves

79 ACT TWO [MUSIC CUE 12: ENTRACTE] [We had to create our own entracte, so I had Robyn take the organ chords from the beginning of The Phantom of the Opera, and that went into a reprise of Dont Be Stupid.] (Lights rise revealing Packer in his cell. Polly enters, escorted by the Sheriff.) SHERIFF Stay to the right. [Another one of my homages, this time to The Silence of the Lambs. The cast didnt get it, but the audience did. Part of this was Kyles great timing.] Hello, Mr. Packer. How am I doing? waiting to die? POLLY How are you doing? PACKER Have you ever been sitting around

POLLY Yes, I have, as matter of fact. PACKER When? Well, all right. Didnt think so. POLLY Now, you left the Indian camp in January. before you realizedHow long POLLY Ive neverreally. PACKER

PACKER Oh, no no no. Whats the point? I told you what I told you because I thought you cared. I didnt realize you were the Prosecuting Attorneys girl.

80

I am not his girl! Whatever.

POLLY I just met the man last week. PACKER

[All this modern vernacular! The juxtaposition of the old Western film styleslash-Rodger and Hammerstein musical over the modern slang made it easy to justify random gags throughout the show.] POLLY Are you jealous? Why the hell tomorrow! would I PACKER be jealous?! Im gonna die

POLLY Well, he says I shouldnt believe a word you say. said you went mad at that bar in Saguache.

He

PACKER Oh, thats the biggest joke ever! You want to know what really happened? Okay, we were at the Indian camp. It was the morning after another big snow and it was also the first time I noticed Bell getting edgy. UNIT THIRTY-THREE TAE BO WITH THE CHIEF In which Packer vows revenge and hits the road (Packer crosses to the stage area. More snow around, and a few drifts. He begins doing Tae Kwon Do with the Chief.) [More David Andrews brilliance as he invented a new form of Tae Kwon Do blended with Jazzercise.] CHIEF Your skill is improving, Pakazan. PACKER Oh, thanks Chief. Hey, when do you think Id be able to use this stuff against like two big broads and one short but tough one?

81 CHIEF You mean those crazy twappers? PACKER Yeah. CHIEF Ahhhh! Remember, this practice becoming bully, okay? PACKER Okay. CHIEF Besides, you have nothing to worry about. twappers left this morning. PACKER Oh really, good (Packer does a double take) They what?! CHIEF Yeah, they decided to go ahead. not to. Those crazy twappers. [This reeked of Elmer Fudd.] PACKER Youre kidding. (The Chief shakes his head.) Youre not kidding. (Packer rushes off. Noon and TOMOMI, the beautiful Squaw, enter opposite.) UNIT THIRTY-FOUR MASH NOTE In which Noon shows off, and finds true lust NOON I may look tough and mean-spirited, but Im really a sensitive artist. [Guys will say ANYTHING to get a girl] TOMOMI Thats very interesting. Although I told them Those crazy we do is not for

82

NOON I paint, and I sculpt with my hands. TOMOMI Thats very interesting too. NOON You have no idea what Im saying, do you? TOMOMI Thats very interesting. [A guys dream. There was really no analogy I could give Susie for this.] UNIT THIRTY-FIVE HIT THE ROAD, JACK In which Packer rallies the Miners to head off, and Bell snaps (Packer runs on with his saddle pack. Bell and Miller enter carrying firewood. The other Miners straggle on.) We have to go!!! What?! PACKER Those trappers left this morning. NOON So? So? PACKER Maybe they saw a break in the weather. PACKER I mean, we should be going. NOON

NOON (Holding on to Tomomi) Well, Im not going anywhere. PACKER Cmon, you guys. Have you forgotten your dreams? We wanted to get to Breckenridge before all the gold was gone, remember?

83 NOON No way! (To Bell) No way! BELL Well now, lets think about this. If the trappers saw a break in the storm, that could mean something. This could be the last chance we get to get out of here for months. NOON Its the middle of the winter. He said to stay here! Remember? BELL Now, now, now. Calm down, okay? cant be that far, right? PACKER Yeah! BELL Besides, if youd quit acting like a sex-started little Mister Pervert, wed be able to get out of here! [We decided this was the first sign of Bells deteriorating mental state. He snapped halfway though this line.] TOMOMI Hehehehahahaha, okay pervert! BELL Lets get going. UNIT THIRTY-SIX RAMEN In which the Chief sends off the Miners, with a toolate warning (The Chief enters) What?! You leaving? CHIEF You crazy too! You heard the chief! He said clearly I mean, Breckenridge

BELL That gold cant wait for us any longer.

84 CHIEF I give you enough food for the trip, okay? (Tomomi re-enters with a box of Ramen noodles.) [I wasnt sure whether the box of Ramen would read to the audience, so at one point I played with the Indians bringing in little take-out boxes from a Chinese restaurant. But I didnt keep in consideration that this WAS playing to a primarily college audience. It got a HUGE laugh every night.] BELL Thanks, Chief. (The Miners exit, shouting Goodbye! Thank you! and Shpadoinkle!) CHIEF Watch out for Cyclops! (To Tomomi) Assholes! Hey! [This Cyclops warning was too little, too late for our poor miners] (The lights fade Tomomi exit.) out as Chief and

UNIT THIRTY-SEVEN EWW! In which Packer gets the Miners lost, and Bells up the creek without a paddle PACKER (V.O.) I may be slow sometimes, but Im not stupid. I knew the trappers had kidnapped Lianne, and that she was waiting for me to save her. I thought I could catch up to them on the way to Saguache, but then I got us kind of lost. (An ensemble member enters with a sign: MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. Lights rise on the Miners, lost.) BELL This doesnt look right, Packer. PACKER

85 Chief said to follow the river east. the river east. Were following

BELL Yeah, but he didnt say anything about this! I cant go on anymore. Dont be such a wimp. (Bell stops to examine his ankle that has now turned gangrenous.) HUMPHREY Ewww! BELL This trip cant get any worse for me. SWAN This canyon is so beautiful (The lights go down.) UNIT THIRTY-EIGHT LOOK AWAY! LOOK AWAY! In which the Miners almost find food, Cyclops, and narrowly escape a love-fest meet the NOON Im starving. MILLER

PACKER So we kept heading for Breckenridge, but we still couldnt find any food. And it wasnt long before we were deep in the Rocky Mountains. (Lights rise.) PACKER Weve got to be really close now!

I cant go on. Me neither.

NOON I need food. I cant go on without it.

HUMPHREY Im starving!

86

(A BAA-ING appears.)

SHEEP

puppet

suddenly

[Another brilliant creation by Noah Harrell, this was a two piece puppet. One hand hooked a pair of sheep paws around the doorframe; the other manipulated the long necked puppet head that followed. It was so adorable that it led to Mikes ad-lib so damn cute.] SWAN Look! HUMPHREY A sheep! NOON Yes! (He starts to unzip his pants.) PACKER (Stopping him) To eat!

No, no!

NOON I know, I gotta take a piss. (He runs stage.) to the other side of the

[It wasnt until tech week that Suzie finally got the bestiality gag here. Shed been playing it as though she did, so her eventual moment of recognition was hysterical.] Here, little lamb chop. HUMPHREY Here, boy.

(Miller draws his pistol and aims it at the sheep, but hesitates.) BELL Shoot it! MILLER Wellyou shoot it.

What are you waiting for?

87 (He tries to hand the gun to Bell.) BELL Youre supposed to be the butcher. (He pushes the gun back toward the sheep. A CYCLOPS dressed in a rebel army uniform appears behind the group.) MILLER Well, I know, butits so God damn cute! (Bell snatches the gun away and aims at the sheep.) PACKER I dont think I can watch this. BELL So look the other way. (Packer turns and comes eye to eye (sorry!) with the Cyclops. He screams like a little girly boy!) What? HUMPHREY He hasnt even done it yet. (The Miners turn around, Cyclops, and scream!) see the

[After a volunteer bailed on making this effect, I had to create it on my own. I took a rubber George Washington half-mask, sprayed on some Great Stuff foam sealant, rigged an IV bag and a tube through the build up eye and painted it to match Ralfs skin. This was topped with a cheesy Confederate soldiers cap.] CYCLOPS Are you lookin at my eye?!!! (Pus squirts in a nice stream right from the Cyclops eye into Humphreys wide-open mouth.) [This was wishful thinking. We never did it, for fear of wetting the stage. We wound up squirting the audience at the very end of the scene instead.]

88 MINERS Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!! CYCLOPS Are you lookin at my eye?!!!!! No. No. No. MINERS Not at all.

CYCLOPS A Union Army soldier did this to me in the big one. Any of you boys fight for the Union Army? (The Miners adopt awful Hollywood style southern accents.) MILLER Shucks, no! BELL Shucky dang darn! CYCLOPS So, you the boys been killin all my sheepies with those traps? Nawwwww! NOON We just now gots here! CYCLOPS Where you from? HUMPHREY Nashville! CYCLOPS Damn, its good to see some southern boys. Its been a long time. (Singing, acapella) WELL I WISH I WERE IN THE LAND OF COTTON OLD TIMES THERE ARE NOT FORGOTTEN LOOK AWAY! LOOK AWAY! LOOK AWAY! (The Miners try to figure out the next lyric. Humphrey pipes in with) HUMPHREY

89 YOU STUPID YANK! [They never got this tune, much to Robyns consternation.] CYCLOPS You aint southern boys! MINERS Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! [MUSIC CUE 12B: THE CYCLOPS CHASE!] (The Miners lead the Cyclops into a classic Scooby-Doo chase. Finally, everybody disappears, leaving the Cyclops center stage, alone.) [This is my bit of creativity. There was all the set-up throughout for the huge Cyclops battle, which wound up being little more than homage to Homers Odyssey. But what if the Cyclops were really a misunderstood monster? That led to the following bit of playwrighting.] CYCLOPS I just wanna be loved. (He squirts the front row. Blackout.)

[Projection Designer Erin Staub went crazy once she was given free reign. As the Cyclops ran off crying and squirting, she threw up a hastily sketched heart on the R.P. screen, topping off this silly moment.] UNIT THIRTY-NINE SNOWMAN! In which Swan boosts the Miners spirits PACKER (V.O.) As the days went by, the snow just got deeper and deeper. And then I realized that maybe the men were losing some hope. (Lights rise on the frostbitten crew slowing trudging in. Piles of snow all over the place.) HUMPHREY Excuse me. Ive been doing some thinking. Ummmjust kind of looking at our situation here, and Ive come

90 to the conclusion that WERE COMPLETELY FUCKED! anybody else made this discovery? PACKER But Im sure this is the right way. (The Miners mutter I dont wanna die! Where are we? Bell: Yes, the snow is deep.) [MUSIC CUE 13: LETS BUILD A SNOWMAN!] SOMETIMES AND TEARS AND MAYBE AND MAYBE SO SWAN THE WORLD IS BLACK RUN FROM YOUR EYES WELL ALL GET REALLY SICK WELL ALL DIE Has

[What else do you do when youre near death? You sing a happy song!] LETS BUILD A SNOWMAN WE CAN MAKE HIM OUR BEST FRIEND WE CAN NAME HIM TOM OR WE CAN NAME HIM GEORGE WE CAN MAKE HIM TALL OR WE CAN MAKE HIM NOT SO TALL SNOWMAN! [Elizabeth Baxter made the stacking snowdrifts out of chicken wire and muslin. They looked brilliant under the lights and wonderfully cheesy.] HELL HAVE A HAPPY FACE, A HAPPY SMILE, A HAPPY POINT OF VIEW IF YOU BUILD ME A SNOWMAN, THEN ILL BUILD ONE FOR YOU! SO, LETS BUILD A SNOWMAN! WE CAN MAKE HIM OUR BEST FRIEND WE CAN NAME HIM BOB OR WE CAN NAME HIM BEOWULF! [Brilliant lyric!] WE CAN MAKE HIM TALL OR WE CAN MAKE HIM NOT SO TALL SNOWMAN! HEY!

91

(TAP BREAK) (Swan hops behind a snow pile, feet hidden and does an amazing tap dance.) [Becky provided the taps offstage. For a while she wanted to follow his feet, but I pointed out that it didnt matter since the audience never saw his feet. When she followed the rhythm of the song, it finally worked.] HELL HAVE A HAPPY FACE, A HAPPY SMILE, A HAPPY POINT OF VIEW (MILLER: This fuckers gone completely nuts!) IF YOU BUILD ME A SNOWMAN, THEN ILL BUILD ONE FOR YOU SNOWMAN! SNOWMAN! SNOWMAN! (Miller goes up to Swans newly built snowman and demolishes it with his pickaxe. The men trudge off, Swan trailing behind. Lights fade.) UNIT FORTY SHOE LEATHER In which the Miners resort to desperate measures for nourishment, and realize their fate PACKER The days were bad, but the nights were worse. All we did was try to keep from freezing. We were all frostbitten and on our last legs, when the butcher suggested that we eat our shoes. PROJECTION: ONE WEEK LATER (Lights rise, the Miners are gathered around a campfire.) [The guys ate licorice laces here.] HUMPHREY Oh, Im not eating my fucking shoes! PACKER He said the salt in the leather would only hold us over for the night, but we didnt care. It was one more night to stay alive.

92

(The men remove their shoes, roast them over the campfire, and being to chow down.) MILLER Were just prolonging the inevitable. in dead, as in no more nothing. BELL The Lord works in mysterious ways. MILLER You realize how stupid that sounds right now, dont you? BELL Yes, I do. SWAN You know, pretty soon this whole trip will be behind us and we can look back on it with fond memories. BELL What fond memories?! SWAN You have to stay optimistic. This is nothing that a little positive thinking cant get us through. MILLER How the hell can you say that? worse than the rest of us! Youre frostbitten Were dying, as

SWAN Well, you never realize what a good time youre having until its over.

BELL Swan, why dont you take a God damned minute to look at ourCmon guys. PACKER Youre just wasting valuable energy.

93 MILLER AND BELL Well then tell him to shut up! PACKER Swan, shut up. SWAN Oh, you. Okay, Packer. this forever. Me neither. BELL What are we gonna do, Packer?! SWAN I know what we should do. NOON What? [MUSIC CUE 14: LETS BUILD A SNOWMAN! (REPRISE)] SWAN LETS BUILD A SNOWMAN! WE CAN MAKE HIM OUR BEST FRIEND MILLER Shut the fuck up, Swan! SWAN WE CAN NAME HIM SHANNON! SHANNON WILSON BELL! MILLER Swan, shut the fuck up! SWAN WE CAN MAKE HIM TALL OR WE CAN MAKE HIM NOT SO TALL(Swan is interrupted by a bullet to the head, fired by Bell.) NOON What now? I cant keep going on like HUMPHREY

94

[We used a very unreliable K-Mart cap gun that worked when it wanted to. The guys wanted to switch over to a real starters pistol, but the cap gun worked so well within the milieu of the show.] NOON Oh my God, he killed Swan! HUMPHREY You bastard! [Our obligatory South Park reference.] UNIT FORTY-ONE CANNIBALISM! In which the Miners break the final taboo (Bell walks away. examine the corpse.) PACKER He looks so happy. NOON Just like hes gonna sing a song. [MUSIC CUE 14A: SWANS SWAN SONG] NOON Hey, Packer, if we make it out of this, were gonna turn Bell in, arent we? I dont know. we get there. PACKER Well just figure all of that out when The others go to

NOON IF we get there! Hell, we California or something.

should

have

gone

to

MILLER Well havent you ever heard of the Donner party? HUMPHREY Yeah, the Donner party, they California mountains. got stuck in the

95 PACKER They had to eat each other to stay alive. (The Miners all look over at their dead companions body.) Well, heck yeah! HUMPHREY Why not?! BELL You wouldnt even eat your

Wait a minute, Humphrey. shoes!

HUMPHREY Well yeah, but you put your feet in shoes! MILLER Well, what do we eat? HUMPHREY Youre the butcher. MILLER Yeah, butI dont know. HUMPHREY (Handing him the butchers knife) So, butch! (Miller reluctantly takes the knife and walks over to Swans body. He starts cutting into Swans butt.) HUMPHREY (CONT.) Wait, youre cutting into his butt. MILLER Well, what kind of piece do you want? HUMPHREY Well, not butt! (They Swan. begin passing around pieces of

[Ryan had a Ziploc bag of wadded up Fruit Roll-Ups in his back pocket. As Miller cut into Swans butt, he pulled a piece of gooey red mass out and passed it to the nearest miner. As they bit into it, it would give a little nasty

96 pull. However, the front rows couldnt miss that unmistakable smell of fake fruit.] They each look around waiting for someone to go first, then all just start eating slowly. They all look really ill, except for Humphrey, who is chowing down on Swans arm. Packer sees this and throws up.) HUMPHREY Ew gross, Packer! NOON (Re. Bell) What about him? BELL I dont want any. MILLER Fine, youre in time out anyway. (Packer lies down and drifts off.) Oh, look. HUMPHREY You got it on my pants! (The lights change, and fog rolls in. The other Miners drift off to sleep during the following.) UNIT FORTY-TWO DREAM BALLET In which Packer discovers his future [MUSIC CUE 14B: PACKERS DREAM BALLET] [So many 1940s and 50s musicals had these awful dream ballets as a way to integrate dance into the story and to highlight the choreographer. Ours, however, was gratuitous and mercifully short.] PROJECTION: DREAM BALLET (Packer rises and begins an awkward ballet to On Top of You. French emerges in a tutu and does a jig to The Trapper Song. He pulls a knife

97 out of his pocket and stabs Packer in time to the music. Frenchy pirouettes off, and the lights switch back to normal. Everybody is asleep, but Packer snaps up with a start.) UNIT FORTY-THREE REVELATIONS In which Bell reveals Packers true destination PACKER IKE! (The others, startled, awaken.) Sorry. [A wonderful moment grew from an accident here. Ted wasnt able to slip off his tutu in time for the scene, so he started with it on. During the next few lines, he tried to slip it off, to great effect.] (The Miners start packing ready to go again.) up, barely

HUMPHREY Is there any more Swan left? I want breakfast. (Packer picks up whats left of Swan, half devoured head and partial torso) [Erin LoPorto built this terrifically nasty prop torso out of papier-mch, with pipe cleaner tendons sticking out of the neck. Under the lights, it looked excellent.] PACKER You know, I think were really close now. NOON You know, I have lost count of how many times youve said that. How long have we been out here? Three weeks? HUMPHREY More. MILLER How far can Breckenridge be? BELL

98 Jesus Christ, dont you idiots get it? Its that stupid horse. Thats why were out here freezing and starving to death. Its because of that God damned horse! HUMPHREY What? BELL Were nowhere near Breckenridge. south. Dont you remember Breckenridge? Saguache! Were way too far whats south of

NOON Thats where the trappers were going. PACKER You asked me to take you to Breckenridge. Im trying to do. BELL Then why are we so far south?! HUMPHREY You guys, I just thought of something, too. Okay, no remember when Swan was building that snowman? How the hell did he make that tapping sound with his feet? NOON You just now thought of that? HUMPHREY Well, its pretty fucking weird, isnt it? (Bell jumps Humphrey and pummels the shit out of him as the scene continues.) [Kent, as Humphrey, had the most ridiculous costume these big boots, a pair of holey overalls pinned together, red long johns too short in the arms, and the traditional Humphrey flap-eared troopers cap. One look at him and you just knew he was the type of guy who people would pummel the shit out of. Lee staged a great fight where Nate took a flying leap at Kent, hopped onto his back, and beat him down on the ground. When down, Nate took several punches at him, until he broke his hand on Kents jawthen he got up and started kicking. Kent had the most pathetic whimper each time he took a blow. All the while, Teds downstage delivering this next speech, oblivious to whats going on behind him.] Thats what

99

NOON You know, Packer, because of you I am never going to get laid. PACKER Bells infected leg had gotten so bad that he was losing his Shpadoinkle. Everybody was, including me. I kept thinking about Lianne with that dirty trapper. I knew shed never let anyone ride her but me, so all I could think about was her poor little broken heart waiting for me to come home. And then I vowed to myself that no matter what, I wouldnt let that happen. That no matter what, I was gonna make it. I knew the first step was to get the mens spirits back up, like Swan would have done. (Packer torso.) You guys, look. holds up Swans demolished

PACKER Lets build a snowman... (Bell attacks Packer. Lights fade.)

UNIT FORTY-FOUR NEAR DEATH In which the Miners turn on Bell, and Packer keeps up hope PROJECTION: LATER (Lights rise on the group on the brink of death.) MILLER You know, its funny. When we started out on this trip, all I wanted was to be rich. But now, just some food. Some warmth. Thats all Im asking for. [Again, near death equals musical number!] [MUSIC CUE 15: THATS ALL IM ASKING FOR! (REPRISE)] MINERS (With whatever strand of life they have left) THATS ALL WERE ASKING FOR

100 THATS ALL WERE ASKING FOR FORGET OUR PIECE OF PIE WE JUST DONT WANNA DIE WEVE HAD SOME ROTTEN LUCK WE CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE WE DONT CARE IF WERE FOREVER POOR THATS ALL WERE ASKIN FOR [Humphrey collapsed on the final beat of the number.] HUMPHREY So cold. Cant move. Cant feel. Cant complete sentences. We have to eat something. MILLER Maybe we should sacrifice somebody. Hes right. NOON If one of us dies, the others can live. HUMPHREY He killed Swan. Its only fair. make

It should be Bell.

(Humphrey, Miller and Noon advance toward Bell with hunger in their eyes.) [This was like a moment from Night of the Living Dead, as the miners turned on their former spiritual leader and dragged themselves across the stage, out for blood.] PACKER Whoa, wait a minute. Were almost over this last ridge. We can probably see a long way from there. We cant do it, Packer. NOON We cant even stand up.

PACKER (rising) Ill go. You guys just watch the fire. (He starts to exit. Turns back.) Nobody eat anybody! (He exits. Blackout.)

101 [MUSIC CUE 15A: OMINOUS SCENE SHIFT!] UNIT FORTY-FIVE FIGHT TO THE FINISH In which the true Cannibal is revealed, and Bell and Packer fight to the bitter end PROJECTION: EVEN LATER (Lights rise. Noon, Miller and Humphrey are now as DEAD and DEVOURED as Swan. The axe sticks up from Noons crotch, a butchers knife is in Millers gut, and Humphrey holds the gun in his hand. Packer enters.) PACKER I was wrong about the ridge. (He notices the carnage.) What are you guys doing? Okay, you guys. (Bell emerges with a hand on a stick.) [And now the truth is revealed!] BELL Yeah, they were gonna kill me. After you left, they attacked me. So I had to defend myself. Well, looks like its survival of the strongest, eh, Packer? Maybe its for the best. I mean, now we have enough meat to last us for weeks. Hell, we may even be able to make it till summer! Haha, yessir! The Lord works in mysterious ways. (He offers the hand to Packer.) We can saywe lost these boys! Bury the bodies and nobody will ever know. I can open my church, and you can build your ranch.

PACKER I think we should probably just go tell somebody, you know. I mean, if it was in self-defense then they wont care. BELL

102 Dont be stupid, man! Nobody will believe us. Dont forget, you ate Swan too! If anybody finds out about ANY of this, theyll hang us BOTH! PACKER Why? You killed him. BELL Thats not how I remember it! Im not about to let some ignorant punk ruin my chance at becoming a priest. (Bell starts part.) sawing off another body

PACKER You know what, Bell? I think youve really lost it. And I dont think you killed these guys in selfdefense either. I think you just killed them. And Im telling. (Bell reaches for the axe.) BELL Youre not telling anybody anythingever again! (Bell swings the axe. Packer ducks, grabs the butcher knife, and slams it into Bells back. [This actually became a pretty long fight scene. Lee Sorokos brilliance lies in his use of justified violence, cause and effect. The axe was swung at the stage nightly, and stage management had to repair the dents with gaffers tape.] Bell falls. Packer walks away in fear. He goes to Humphreys body and grabs his hand which pulls right from the body. Packer begins to sing. Bell rises again and screams. Packer grabs the gun and fires. Bell crumples. Packer begins to sing AGAIN, and Bell returns AGAIN. Bell chases Packer offstage. the screen, we see the fight. Behind Packer

103 slams the axe into Bells chest. Then a stick in his eye. Then a meat cleaver into his head. Bell finally collapses. [This gave us the most trouble. For the longest time Lee and I were figuring out how to do all this violence on stage in front of the audience. During a fight rehearsal, Ryan Brown pointed out that we did have a screen. A light bulb lit up among us! The violence could be mimed in silhouette, and as Packer returned to the stage Bell just rigged himself with the various implements.] Packer returns to the stage. sing) [MUSIC CUE 15B: PACKERS LAMENT] PACKER WHO DO(Bell returns, with the axe in his chest, stick in his eye and meat cleaver in his head. Packer screams as Bell collapses. Blackout.) UNIT FORTY-SIX OUT OF THE FRYING PAN In which Packer covers up his trail PACKER (V.O.) The snowstorms didnt let up, so I stayed in that camp for weeks, living off the bodies of the others. I knew right then that nobody would believe what happened. I made my way to an Indian agency and they just fixed me up and sent me to the nearest town. I told everyone that I didnt know where the others were, that Id lost them, but then UNIT FORTY-SEVEN SUSPICIOUS MINDS In which the Sheriff questions Packer, and Packer plays dumbwell PROJECTION: SAGUACHE (Packer crosses to the stage, where he runs into the drunken SHERIFF OF SAGUACHE.) Begins to

104

[In the film, the actor playing the Sheriff of Saguache was a real lush, and Parker had a great deal of trouble working with him. Kyle tried playing drunk for a while, but it never quite worked. Finally, he had the idea to play him as a huge redneck. That choice worked for laughs. Well, that, plus the chest hair he drew on beneath his unbuttoned shirt.] SHERIFF Alferd Packer? Im the sheriff of Saguache. people are getting mighty suspicious of you. PACKER Me? SHERIFF Well, the rest of your party hasnt shown up yet. PACKER Well, yeah. SHERIFF Well, were gonna put together a search party. Id like you to come along and show us where you last saw them. PACKER I cant. You see, I have to get back to Utah and try to find mySHERIFF Back to Utah?! What if those people are still up there struggling for their lives? PACKER Okay, Ill go. SHERIFF All right. Meet me at my office at sunrise. what they say about sunrise, dont you? (A beat. Some

You know

Sheriff nods, and exits.

[In the film, the actor playing the Sheriff forgot his line and walked off. So we kept it, and built a moment around it. The absurdity of this mustve been obvious, because it always got a laugh.]

105 UNIT FORTY-EIGHT LIANNE! In which Packer discovers Lianne with Trappersand the truth is revealed Packer starts to exit opposite, when Lianne enters! Ridden by FRENCHY, followed by the other TRAPPERS.) PACKER Lianne! FRENCHY Hahaha. Dont you look sharp? Whatcha doin here in Saguache? I thought you were headed to Breckenridge. PACKER This is my horse. FRENCHY Sheshe just followed me here. PACKER Shes letting you ride her. (Packer walks away, then turns starts beckoning her, like a dog.) PACKER Come here, girl. (Lianne doesnt move. Frenchy laughs. He smacks the other trappers to join in.) Tell you what. FRENCHY Give you eight dollars for her. PACKER Keep your money. (Packer turns away.) At that moment I realized Lianne hadnt been stolen she left mefor her UNIT FORTY-NINE MOSEY ON UP TO THE BAR In which Frenchy provokes, and Packer attacks [MUSIC CUE 16A: SALOON MUSIC UNDERSCORE!] and

106

(A BARTENDER enters and sets up shop.) BARTENDER Que quieres, Senor? PACKER Un leche. (She pours Packer a shot of milk.) [That exchange was ad-libbed during a rehearsal in order to give the bartender a bit of dialogue.] FRENCHY So they tell me you lost the rest of your party. Kinda misplaced them, did ya? Now youre just hanging back, having a little drinkee-poo, huh? Its not a drinkee-poo. PACKER Leave me alone.

FRENCHY Not only did I get here two months ahead of you, Packer, but I came back with everyone I started with. PACKER Tell me something, Frenchy. How does it feel to be riding my horse? Come off it, Packer. your horse. FRENCHY Everyone in this town has ridden

(Packer reels back and gives Frenchy an uppercut. This hurts his hand. The Sheriff bursts in, drunk.) SHERIFF (Pointing opposite) Packer! (MUSIC STING! Packer! (ANOTHER MUSIC STING!) You lied. They found the bodies on the passburied. Im taking you downtownCANNIBAL! Finding Packer)

107 [Doing the musical stings during rehearsal was our favorite bit of audience participation. When Robyn wasnt around to play them on the piano, the entire room joined in a loud DUNH-duh!] CYCLOPS (Appearing) You little bastard. Now you must die. (He snatches Packer by the collar and slings him across the room.) Damn cannibal Yankee! [There is absolutely no real justification for the Cyclops to have emerged from the Rocky Mountains other than the fact that when you hit bottom, you still aint gone as far as you can go.] UNIT FIFTY BAR FIGHT In which all hell breaks loose, and Packer conquers Frenchy [MUSIC CUE 16: THE FIGHT!] [Originally, I had wanted to insert a song called Shatterproof that had been cut from the movie. The song, granted, isnt that great, so it wasnt surprising when McHugh refused to release the rights. It worked out, however, because the fight Lee choreographed was hysterically funny in the tradition of Mel Brooks Blazing Saddles.] (The Sheriff swings at Packer and misses. Packer throws the Sheriff at Frenchy, who swings and hits, sending the Sheriff back to Loutzenheiser, who kicks and knocks him down. Meanwhile, Packer has grappled with the Cyclops, poking out his other eye and sending him offstage. When Loutzenheiser gets the Sheriff down, a CHEERLEADER appears.) CHEERLEADER Packer! Packer! Hes our man! If he cant do it, no one can. When I say Alferd, you say Packer! Alferd (Packer)!! Alferd (Packer)!!

108 [The cheerleader was my addition. I figured, as crazy as the show was, why not throw in a catfight somewhere.] (Nutter sees Loutzenheiser drooling over Cheerleader, and goes in for the kill. Nutter grabs the Cheerleader by her ponytail.) NUTTER You bitch! (The fall into a huge catfight, which grabs everybodys attention. The men all send out praises But after a few moments, a huge, familiar whistle sounds through the auditorium. Frenchy and Packer remember each other and begin circling, snapping fingers. Frenchy draws her knife, and Packer hops into a Jerome Robbins-esque pose. They go into a vicious knife fight. Eventually, Packer slaps the knife from Frenchys hand. Frenchy grabs Packer by the throat. Hes almost gone when he brings his hands up and grabs Frenchy by the nipples.) FRENCHY Ow! Ow! Ow! (He spins Frenchy, snaps her bra-strap, and gets her into a headlock.) [The titty-twist was the only equivalent we could come up with to balance out the ball grab in Act One.] UNIT FIFTY-ONE DESPERATION In which Packer escapes the bloodthirsty crowd PACKER Okay, nobody moveor Ill eat her right in front of you! FRENCHY

109 Hes serious, man! He is a cannibal! (Packer takes advantage confusion to run off.) Dont just stand there! Lets get him! [MUSIC CUE 16A: THE CHASE! (UNDERSCORE)] (HUGE CHASE SCENEwhere the actors run offstage one side and re-enter the other. Eventually, Packer breaks off and shares a moment with Lianne, he hears the others coming and ducks behind her. Frenchy grabs Lianne and runs off. Packer returns to the cell.) UNIT FIFTY-TWO WYOMING In which Packer concludes his story and Polly vows to prove his innocence PACKER And I ran and I ran and I ran just as fast as I could. POLLY But you made it to Wyoming, right? FRENCHY Go get him! SHERIFF of this Dont move! SHERIFF

PACKER Yeah, but I wouldve been better those people catch me and kill me. POLLY Why? PACKER You ever been to Wyoming?

off

just

letting

110 (A wolf howls as a tumbleweed crosses the stage.) [Brooke, still in cheerleader garb and exhausted from the chase scene, rolled a two-dimensional tumbleweed across the stage. The exhaustion that she played was indeed real.] POLLY Oh, God, it sounds horrible. PACKER It was. I managed to hide out there for a while, but they caught up with me. Brought me back. And now I dont know whats going to happen. POLLY Youll be fine. I promise. And Ill be with you the whole time. Youll see, Alferd. There wont be a hanging day. PACKER You have made me feel better. You know, I think maybe there is hope. [MUSIC CUE 17A: LOVE THEME!/BASTARD VAMP!] (They try to kiss through the bars, but it doesnt work. Polly exits. UNIT FIFTY-THREE HANG THE BASTARD! In which the townsfolk celebrate the end of Packer Spotlight catches MILLS and CITIZENS on the opposite side of the stage.)

MILLS I know today will be a day that goes down in history as a day in which justice was truly served. Now, lets hang the bastard! (The crowd cheers. The Sheriff walks up to the cell and opens the door.) Cmon, Packer. SHERIFF Its time for your show.

111

PACKER Wait, where did Miss Pry go? SHERIFF She went back to Denver. PACKER Denver? SHERIFF Yeah, shes a reporter for the Denver Post. you know that? Douchebag. [MUSIC CUE 17: HANG THE BASTARD!] MILLS HANG THE BASTARD, HANG HIM HIGH HOIST HIS BODY TO THE SKY ITS AS NICE AS A DAY CAN BE WONT YOU COME TO THE HANGING WITH ME (The Sheriff leads Packer to an uppermost platform and prepares his noose.) [This was the big eleven oclock number, so I filled the stage with as many cast members as possible. Aurelia, Nate and David all had surprise entrances later in the scene so they were off. I brought back Mike, Ryan, Susie and Kent. Mike and Ryan each put on Groucho glasses, and Susie came back as a little boy in a sailor suit with a huge lollypop. Kent was in bad drag with a wig and dress homage to the movie where Matt Stone reappears in the same scene in drag. During the song, Erin played Hangman on the projector.] ENSEMBLE HANG THE BASTARD, HANG HIM HIGH HOIST HIS BODY TO THE SKY ITS AS NICE A DAY CAN BE WONT YOU COME TO THE HANGING WITH ME HANG SEND WHEN THAT THE HIS HIS THE BASTARD, HANG HIM WELL SORRY SOUL TO HELL NECKBONE SNAPS WELL KNOW CANNIBAL WONT BE KILLING ANYMORE LOUTZENHEISER Didnt

112 HIS FACE WILL TURN RED, THEN PURPLE, THEN BLUE NUTTER WELL WATCH FROM UP HERE TO GET A GOOD VIEW FRENCHY (In ball-broken falsetto) AND WHEN HIS EYES BUG OUT WELL KNOW ITS THE END OF HIM AND THE END OF THE SHOW! ENSEMBLE SO HANG THE BASTARD, HANG HIM WITH CHEER WELL MAKE SOME HOT DOGS AND DRINK A FEW BEERS AND WHEN HIS TONGUE ROLLS OUT WELL KNOW ITS THE END OF THE SHOW AND WE ALL CAN GO HOME! MEN BUT NOT TILL WE HANG THE BASTARD, HANG HIM HERE THE MOST EXCITING THING THIS TOWN HAS SEEN IN YEARS WHEN HIS BODY STOPS JERKING WELL KNOW WOMEN ITS THE END OF HIM MEN ITS THE END OF HIM WOMEN ITS THE END OF HIM ENSEMBLE AND THE END OF THE SHOW SOLO Cowbell solo! (Ensemble member pops out and does an awful cowbell solo.)

113 [My frequent collaborator and Cannibal sound designer Ryan McCurdy, a man of many talents, made a cameo appearance here as the punk rock cowbell soloist. He hopped in the theatre in ripped clothing bearing a cowbell, played a few bars, and hopped back out.] ENSEMBLE SO HANG THE BASTARD, HANG HIM HIGH KISS HIS GUILTY BUTT GOODBYE ITS AS NICE AS A DAY CAN BE WONT YOU COME TO THE HANGING WITH ME? SOLO HIS VEINS WILL POP OUT ALL OVER HIS HEAD SOLO WELL TICKLE HIS ARMPITS TO MAKE SURE HES DEAD SOLO AND WHEN HIS TONGUE ROLLS OUT WELL KNOW TRIO ITS THE END OF HIM AND WE ALL CAN GO HOME ENSEMBLE (Chorus Line Fan Kicks!) BUT NOT TILL WE HANG THE BASTARD, HANG HIM HIGH HOIST HIS BODY TO THE SKY WHEN HIS BODY STOPS JERKING WELL KNOW LOUTZENHEISER ITS THE END OF HIM, MILLS ITS THE END OF HIM, SHERIFF ITS THE END OF HIM ENSEMBLE NOW GET ON WITH THE SHOW! HOORAY! UNIT FIFTY-FOUR LAST WORDS

114 In which Packer gives up SHERIFF Alferd Packer, do you have any last words? PACKER Yes, I do. ENSEMBLE Awww. SHERIFF Right, make it snappy. PACKER Probably the most important thing is that when things get really bad and the world looks its darkest, you just have to throw up your hands and say Well, alright! cause its probably gonna get a whole hell of a lot worse. [That speech was a direct lift from Oklahoma, except in that it ends with a whole lot better or something else sappy.] Jolly good speech. SHERIFF Now lets get on with the hanging!

(Crowd cheers.) SHERIFF Release the floor! [MUSIC CUE 17A: DRUMROLL!] PACKER Shpadoinkle!

UNIT FIFTY-FIVE RESCUE! In which Polly saves Packers life and reveals her love POLLY (From off) Wait!

115 (Polly runs on with a paper in her hand and Lianne. She runs up to the Sheriff.) This is a stay of execution by the governor. SHERIFF What?! Why?! POLLY The events that this man is being hung for took place before Colorado was made into a state. This was all Ute Indian reservation. Packer cannot legally be tried under state law. [This is a true fact.] CROWD Awwwww! MILLS Im afraid youre out of line, Miss Pry. POLLY No, Mr. Mills. It is you who is out of line, since you knew about this the entire trial. CROWD Oooooooh! (Asshole!) MILLS Polly, why are you doing this? POLLY Because Ive learned something. instead of manipulating them. About helping people,

[The moral of the story. Every episode of South Park ends with the Ive learned something speech. This is what Virginia Heffernan applauded in her New York Times article, that regardless how absurd the events of the episode may be, it all ties back in with a bit of moralizing.] PACKER Does this mean Im not gonna die today? Yes. POLLY Yes, Alferd, it does.

116 PACKER Why did you go through all this trouble? POLLY You wanna know why? PACKER Yes. [MUSIC CUE 18: WHEN I WAS ON TOP OF YOU! (REPRISE)] POLLY YOUR EYES, YOUR SMILE MAKE MY LITTLE LIFE WORTHWHILE THERES NOWHERE ID RATHER BE IF YOU WERE ON TOP OFUNIT FIFTY-SIX DIE CHEEZEMO! In which Frenchy ruins the reunion, the Chief saves the day, Lianne returns, and Packer realizes who really has his heart (Frenchy pushes his way to Packer.) FRENCHY What the hell do you think youre doing here, lady? These people came to see some good violence, and by golly, theyre gonna see some! CROWD Yeah! FRENCHY Die, Cheezmo! (Frenchy pulls out his hunting knife and is about to slit Alferds throat when the Indian Chief runs on with his kitana blade flourished. He comes between Frenchy and Packer. Then he slices the noose.) CROWD Hooray! FRENCHY Hey, you cant do that, jerky.

117

CHIEF You are asshole, asshole! Banzai!!! [I never figured out what was so funny about a guy saying asshole in broken English.] (Chief chases Frenchy offstage, we hear a KA-CHUNK! Chief re-enters with Frenchys head.) PACKER Chief, how did you get here? CHIEF Your friend told me you need help. (Lianne is pushed on from offstage.) PACKER Lianne? POLLY I found her for you, Alferd. PACKER Here, girl! (Lianne doesnt move.) POLLY Ill go get her. PACKER (Stopping her) No, I dont need her anymore. Hey, Chief, you want a horse? CHIEF You dont want horse? [For somebody who didnt like taking center stage, David seemed to have no problem stealing focus as he attempted to mount the bike downstage right during this.] PACKER No, I think I know what I want now.

118 (He takes Pollys hand) Someone who really cares about me. POLLY Theres an appeal case to put on, Alferd. I have to go back to Denver. But Ill be back tomorrow. PACKER Gosh, how can I ever repay you? You already have, Alferd. POLLY You already have.

UNIT FIFTY-SEVEN THE HAPPY END In which everybody celebrates, except for Bell who is still out for blood EL GATO (Reappearing, as Tiny Tim) God bless us, everyone! [MUSIC CUE 19: SHPADOINKLE! (FINALE)] POLLY THE SKY IS BLUE AND ALL THE LEAVES ARE GREEN PACKER MY HEARTS AS FULL AS A BAKED POTATO DUO IM SURE YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN WHEN I SAY ITS A SHPADOINKLE DAY ALL WHEN WE SAY ITS A SHPADOINKLE DAY!!! (Polly and Packer lean in to kiss, but are interrupted by THE RETURN OF THE BLOODIED, WEAPON RIDDLED BELL!!! Big Carrie Ending - everybody screams!!!) [Regardless of my thesis project, I was going to work a chainsaw into it somehow. One of my theatrical idols, actor/director/playwright Eddie Levi Lee, has said, Theres never been a play that couldnt benefit from the addition of a chainsaw. So, when Bell returns for the final scare, he came in with a chainsaw. The gas exhaust proved a problem for the relatively small space of the Mondanaro, so we piped in the sound effect of

119 the roar as Nate ran in spinning around. Since the show began with an homage to prologue of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, it ended with an homage to the final shot of the same. And I finally got my chainsaw on stage. Shpadoinkle!] END OF ACT TWO [MUSIC CUE 20: BOWS/EXIT MUSIC!]