Discussions held on twitter with @thefworduk about experiences of smear tests.

As complete as I could manage, but probably only 90% or so of the tweets are here. @koshkajean @thefworduk Quite. There are few more alarming phrases than 'Do you mind if a student nurse just has a rummage?', it turns out! @alice_emily @thefworduk My doctor popped out half way through to "check something". @msbathtub @thefworduk @koshkajean *nurse looks at ladybits* 'Oh, you should be easy'. @koshkajean @thefworduk Maybe we're cervix twins - I've also had an 'Oh! That's unusual!'. Which is why student nurse was invited to rummage. @Novelicious @thefworduk I had ,"you have a wonderfully central cervix! Marvellous!" *preens* @MsBathtub @koshkajean @plumrose93 @thefworduk @koshkajean I once had an amazed sounding "oh that's beautiful, just perfect" comment.. I was chuffed then I began to wonder... @Hannahgould1 @thefworduk My goodness, you're a strange shape aren't you? @oxfordbloo @TheNatFantastic @thefworduk I'm hoping mine's left-leaning (I have also been told it's unusually hard to find...) @MargoJMilne @thefworduk I've had nurse shrieking "JUST RELAX" and pushing as I had full-body spasms... @CynicalRhubarb @thefworduk- not alarming, but insisting putting me under a drape for my 'modesty' when they were about to stick things in my vagina was odd @londonfeminist @thefworduk I've had "ooh, you've got a LOVELY pink cervix!" Not sure how to respond to that! @PenniiLowry @CynicalRhubarb @thefworduk What IS with the drape? It's undignified at the best of times, modesty's out the window anyway! @penniilowry @thefworduk Should I be jealous? I've not had a single compliment on my own cervix. I feel rather left out... @basfordian @thefworduk "Have you got an inverted cervix? No? It must be this speculum then..." *gets old

metal one from cupboard* @pinkladyapril @thefworduk oh you're quite long - I can't find it! (while pushing really hard!) can you move your legs higher?!! @princesstoffeee @thefworduk I know it's because of a condition, but I once got, "Hmmm, your cervix looks like a grazed knee"! @kinelfire @thefworduk my worst was the revolving door of other staff members who thought it was fine to interrupt! 3 of them, one by one. @militantbarbie @thefworduk I was told by a doctor that I had 'a textbook cervix'. hope it's one of those comedy french ones that are 20 yrs out of fashion. @louisebrealey @thefworduk At penetration: Don't I know you from somewhere? Oh my god. You're that nurse from Casualty!... Yes, I said wanly. Yes I am. @MissBox @thefworduk Doctor while examining my breasts: "Sorry about this, I know it's indecent." Uhm no-I have pain-You're a doctor, I'm a patient. @angrymaggie @thefworduk "My god! You have the worst case of thrush I've ever seen." :( and this nurse looked like she'd seen a lot. @bibimcbibi @thefworduk As I lay spread-eagled on the table, the nurse asked me *Do you think those men on the scaffolding across the road can see us?* @angrymaggie @thefworduk not only that, but her assistant was in the year above me at school. We obviously recognised each other. We said NOTHING. @AlisonGowan @militantbarbie @thefworduk 'I was told by a doctor that I had 'a textbook cervix' > I was told mine was "not exactly textbook"?! @commentisfree @thefworduk "Did you have a baby? No? An abortion then? No? *are you sure?* Because your cervix is huge!" @caffeinequeen18 @thefworduk wow you're really far back. Let me get a longer spatular. @stavvers @thefworduk My first smear test, the nurse opened up the speculum, and immediately cooed 'you have a *beautiful* cervix' #bafflingcompliment

@Hannahgould1 @thefworduk 'you work at the museum! You must know x & x (elderly male volunteers) NOT people I wanted to be thinking of in *that* position @CharlotteFi @thefworduk not to do with smear but have had male dr tell me "hmm well this is a feminine issue so you need to speak to a lady dr" err... @ffingy @thefworduk Nurse: "wow, you're very low down". Then someone knocked on the door & she said "come in". There wasn't even a curtain @theotherkirsty @thefworduk At my first one, aged 19. As she approached with implement: "Don't worry, it's not as big as a penis!" @teadrinker33 @thefworduk Nurse: "You're very tense. Do you have trouble with sex?" My friend: "How do you warm up for sex!?" @LambethCatwalk @thefworduk Went to the clinic and mentioned I was due a smear, but had already booked one with my GP... @thefworduk ...Dr replied "Oh, we don't normally do them here but i might be able to dig a speculum out from somewhere". Um...no thanks! @felinefeminist @thefworduk She left implements inside me whilst she answered the door, then invited the student there to join her - without asking me. @hannahtapdances @thefworduk nurse to student while mid-test "my cats have fleas. I didn't realise they could jump so far" Not what I wanted to hear! @onlyeverjusta @thefworduk the nurse told me i looked just like my mother! @CurmudgeonlyBlu @thefworduk "I can't see anything, the walls are so baggy" Doc then giggles at my partner. Wow, thanks :/ @EnstonJump @thefworduk I was once told my cervix was quite far forward and my vagina was 'shallow'. Does that mean it judges people on appearances? @Ninth_Wave @thefworduk Not a smear but an exam in labour. Midwife said "if I don't leave sweat on your top lip, I'm not doing it properly". Fun. @vichart @thefworduk the best revenge on the "JUST RELAX!!!" brigade is to knock them unconscious as

you snap your knees shut around their temples. @cellosteph @thefworduk 'I can't find your cervix, I need to get a bigger speculum'. My eyes watered. @AnneTThomas @thefworduk "I can't actually see your cervix - I think it is wandering about" !!! @sofiejenkinson @thefworduk I have had loads - "OHH. Hold on, it's around the back." "Your cervix is very elusive." "Oo it's up in the right hand corner." @ValkyrieSmudge @thefworduk This entire conversation has got me wailing with my legs crossed! @thegashgirl @stavvers @thefworduk corr that's lovely...sure beats hearing: "relax my dear there is enough room to park a bus in here!"... laughing... @AnneTThomas @thefworduk One nurse took so long to locate my cervix that I burnt my leg on the bulb of her angle-poise lamp @princesstoffeee @thefworduk my mother on the topic: "my nurse is so good, I don't even realise she's doing it!" I find this hard to believe. @theotherkirsty @thefworduk I did rather want to say "yes, but it's MADE OF METAL"... @jarrahpenguin @thefworduk Certainly some not-so-cool stories but I've always had good Pap experiences. Don't want to discourage people. @bigmouthedwoman @thefworduk "Wow you weren't joking about being mid-cycle were you? Look!" She then showed me her very wet hand and I said "oh", weakly. @Nicpatdaw @thefworduk "Oh dear, it's playing hide & seek." ... "Got it!" @theHuldra @thefworduk Thank you so much for sharing these! Comments like these left me mildly traumatised and sure there was something wrong with me! @sevenhelz @thefworduk It took about a dozen STD tests before I found out my cervix was off to one side a lot - would've been nice if they'd told me... @sofiejenkinson @thefworduk I've had lots of different experiences due to abnormals, but most nurses have been lovely, because it is quite a struggle!

@felinefeminist @thefworduk have come across clinics that allow women to sit at 45 degrees for checks and insert own speculum. Really good practice! @KirstyYarr @thefworduk is retweeting odd things women have had said to them during smear tests. I feel lucky that mine have been uneventful. @helen_bop @thefworduk Nurse practically chased me out with pitchforks/flaming torches on realising I have no cervix (I'm post-SRS). @sevenhelz @thefworduk had excellent care myself at citywise in leeds, and hudds uni health centre were always v supportive @bigmouthedwoman @thefworduk She had a glove on at least. I've timed all visits since much more carefully, cyclewise. #lessonlearnt @princesstoffeee @CynicalRhubarb @thefworduk my 1st exam: "it's time to introduce you to mr speculum. You'll be meeting him a lot over the next 50 yrs!" lol! @kitfinelineedit @thefworduk "You want to do WHAT to my cervix?" That was my first smear. Since then they've been nothing worse than slightly uncomfortable. @RuwaydaMustafah @thefworduk My mother had a smear test and I was with her. Nurses were lovely, hospitable and kind. @stavvers @thegashgirl @thefworduk Good Lord. I think that's the sort of thing that I wouldn't even register it had been said, so egregiously rude! @mrsnickyclark very funny tweets from @thefworduk re odd comments during smear tests, All mine have been fine and they are crucial. get tested. @MsEmmaB @thefworduk I once engaged in an in-depth discussion re my 'hood piercing,whilst she was 'down there' looking at it.made me giggle. @princesstoffeee @felinefeminist @thefworduk I always want to insert my own speculum but never brave enough to ask @SirenofBrixton @thefworduk I've been pretty lucky it seems. I did once agree to let med students watch. There were 4, so 5 inc. nurse!

@other_red @thefworduk if women want to raise concerns about how their smear was carried out they can contact the PALS team - there's one in every PCT. @elmyra @thefworduk My friend handed out business cards for her pole dancing school during hers. @sevenhelz @flergh @other_red @thefworduk take a friend? try to be somewhere the staff make you feel safe and comfortable, even the receptionists. @elmyra @thefworduk Mine have tended to be fine. The last nurse in particular was lovely and very professional. @eyespidery .@thefworduk "ooooh your cervix isn't at all where I expected it to be, hang on I can't find it. Let me start again." #retroverteduterus @sofiejenkinson @flergh @other_red @thefworduk Nooo, Rachel! It's not a picnic & people do say weird stuff but most nurses are lovely & it's over in a flash @cariadmartin Lovely @thefworduk are having chat with everyone about experiences of cervical screenings. I've got while yet but nice to be reassured. @jla_1974 @vichart @thefworduk Nah; I relaxed "enough" and so did my internal muscles. I farted long & stinkily in her face... @jarrahpenguin @thefworduk It'd be cool if we still learned how to do pelvic self-exams: awe.sm/5TgbR @littlemissalien @thefworduk @other_red Couldn't agree more. The PALS teams take stuff like that very seriously & are on your side! @thefworduk Moral of the story: Smears SHOULD be respectful and sensitive. If not, you can complain. Going to someone experienced can make a difference. @ghostlove @ghostlove: @thefworduk My single experience of a smear test was wonderful. Nurse was lovely, sensitive and friendly, and I didn't even feel anything! @daisydoll_25 @thefworduk I had to have a biopsy & after ages locating cervix, junior Dr did it wrong 2x!Serious vom pain! Asked the nurse if she'd do it! @jocaird

@thefworduk A nurse complimented me on my shoes once. Seemed sincere but perhaps she did it to everyone to get them to relax. @Charlotte_fi @thefworduk literally ridiculous! Purposefully didn't ask for female dr because "didn't want to make fuss" and then he was utterly useless! @justanothaWW @thefworduk I liked my first pap--the nurse was really cute! =^_^= @other_red @thefworduk on your blog you could link to @JoTrust site & NHS Choices site so ppl can search for their GP to find their PCT's PALS details @flergh @thefworduk you can ask at your GP practice, and they should respond sensitively. @MsEmmaB @thefworduk it did, and it was nice that she was genuinely interested rather than horrified! @sirenofbrixton @thefworduk Advice to women who are nervous: imagine it's your ear they're looking in. It's your body, try NEVER to be embarrassed by it @thefworduk Easier said than done, I know, but sometimes you can fake it til you make it. Love your bits! @catrinms @thefworduk During the procedure nurse looks up and asks "why are you crying ? It doesn't hurt.". Liar. @rubywoowoo @thefworduk I got my letter for my first one today so excellent timing. I've been very much enjoying the weird & wonderful tales today. @felinefeminist @thefworduk @sevenhelz Heh, yes, I mean, what precisely can you do at that point?! Shout, cry, or strangle them 'Octopussy' style?! :-O @princesstoffeee @thefworduk We need a campaign, or a look at the good practice guidance, something to put us back in control of our bodies. @thefworduk @CynicalRhubarb Best thing to say? 'If you need me to stop at any time, just say' @kel_kitty @stavvers @thefworduk strangely enough I had mine today, and the nurse said my cervix was "lovely and pink" @thehuldra @thefworduk I've had good experiences too. It's great to talk about this and other "unmentionable" subjects so we realise it's not just us. @hrsyofgrmnghst @thefworduk My smear was nowhere near as bad as expected. Nurse told me to stop "shaking like a leaf" then made me giggle lots to calm down @DoktorG

@jo_london @thefworduk an ex girlfriend reported this from the nurse: "Gosh dear! You are *deep*, aren't you? I can't find your cervix..." @Clarabelle12345 @jo_london @thefworduk I *actually* got "We're going to need a bigger speculum..." (rapidly followed by "Well, you're tall" - too late) @Em_Bittered @thefworduk Pleased to say my experiences have been positive, but admit it - who does special 'styling' for the occasion?