Setting Boundaries: Close Enough to Care Without Being Consumed

What is a boundary A boundary is another word for line, edge, limit, border, margin, and frontier. When setting and crossing boundaries refers to a physical line, as in a fence between properties, it is quite clear when that boundary is crossed and a response may or may not be necessary. It is a very different matter when the word boundary refers to an emotional limit or line. Every individual and the people to whom one belongs must learn to do so within limits. We live our lives in relationships, and every relationship has its boundaries. Boundaries in Relationships In any relationship between two people, boundaries will exist within each individual. Depending on the self awareness of a person, the boundaries will be consciously known and expressed or they may be subconscious and never fully expressed. How does a person know his/her own personal boundaries? If someone asks you to do some task, and you are able to calmly say no without feeling guilt, then you know what your own boundaries are and are probably quite capable of articulating them. If someone asks you to do some task and you cannot say no even when you feel uncomfortable about the request, then you have boundaries in place but are not fully aware of them and are not able to maintain them. If you go home and spend all of your time thinking about someone elses problems or situation and constantly thinking of ways to solve their problems, then you have no boundaries in place and this is dangerous for you.

Boundaries are Necessary Boundaries are necessary for a relationship to grow so that the parties will enjoy and share the benefits and gifts from the relationship. A reciprocal relationship is mutually beneficial for everyone. Within the context of Caregiving Team ministry, boundary setting is vitally important for the emotional well-being and quality of care of both the team member and care partner.

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Care partners tend to be individuals who are coping with a chronic illness, disability, or less able to tend to all daily needs because of age or overwhelming duties of caring for a family member at home. It may be easy for a Team member to become overly involved in a care partners life, as he or she listens to stories and complaints. A care partners list of problems - chronic illness, neglect by family or church, financial problems, etc. will cause a response in a team member. Compassion is a natural and appropriate response as well as desire to ease the burdens of a care partner, as long as it does not lead a team member into inappropriate efforts to solve all of the care partners problems. Conversely, Team members are people who have responded to Gods call to care for others who would benefit from their presence and assistance with everyday tasks; tasks that care partners can no longer do. It may be easy for a care partner to become overly dependent on a care team member and breach established boundaries set in the caregiving covenant. If emotional boundaries are not set in a relationship, the danger exists that one or both of the persons will be consumed, pulled in, and sucked into situations that he or she finds uncomfortable and in which one may not want to be involved and cannot resolve. This may result in one or both parties quitting the relationship. When boundaries are breached and a Team member becomes enmeshed or entangled in anothers life, conflicts or problems may arise that may be detrimental to both and which may hurt the care partner. For example, a team member begins to visit more often than agreed upon and the care partners relative or primary caregiver may perceive that the visits are now more intrusive than helpful. This relative/caregiver, instead of expressing their concerns, decides on behalf of the care partner, to refuse all visits from the team member. Boundary setting is both a Team members and a care partners responsibility. A care partner may exhibit inappropriate or endangering behaviors, such as demanding that a certain task or errand be done or expecting the team member to come any time the care partner calls. When this type of behavior occurs, it may be necessary for a Team to have a candid conversation with the care partner and caregiver (if there is one), re-examine, and discuss the boundaries set earlier. This is for the benefit of the care partner, as well as team members.

701 N. Post Oak Rd., Ste. 330, Houston, TX 77024 | 713-682-5995 info@interfaithcarepartners.org | www.interfaithcarepartners.org

Boundaries must be consistent Consistency in setting and maintaining boundaries is essential. Be sure the entire team is aware of the caregiving covenant agreed upon by team members, and that each team member accepts the teams boundaries set with care partners. If a team member works outside the team boundaries, the care partner will be confused when other members of the Team refuse to comply with the care partners request, and this will hamper the entire teams efforts. (Note: When a team member excuses a care partners behavior by urging: But hes sick! She is dying, it should be pointed out these tragic events are reality that a care team cannot alter and they do not give one license to manipulate or abuse another.) So how and when does one set boundaries? Here are some tips on setting boundaries: Know exactly how much time you will offer. Know what and how much you and the Caregiving Team are willing to do. The care team member makes a decision that, o I will only spend one hour taking Mrs. X to the grocery store. o I will pick up and take the cups to the sink after my visit with Mrs. Y, but I will not clean the kitchen. Use clear and simple communication. Be straightforward. o Hello, Mrs. X this is Terry. I will be coming by at 10:00 to pick you up so we can go to the grocery store. Do you have your list ready? Great, I love the time we spend together, but we must finish by 11:30 because my family is waiting for me. o I have a prior engagement. If a care partner makes a request and a team member responds with an honest, I will think about it. Or Maybe. I will let you know. It is very important that the team member follow through as quickly as possible and respond with a yes or a no. Be consistent. Dont waffle when a boundary has been set and do not allow the care partner to manipulate. For instance, a care partner asks a team member to call her daughter and try to fix their strained relationship. o Mrs. X, you are persistent and dont give up easily, but you have asked me to do this before and I said no. I cant do that for you. When I first began to visit you, we both agreed, that I would not call your daughter.

701 N. Post Oak Rd., Ste. 330, Houston, TX 77024 | 713-682-5995 info@interfaithcarepartners.org | www.interfaithcarepartners.org

Mark out your personal space. This has more to do with physical contact and your comfort level with touching. Be prepared to be tested and follow through on consequences if certain behavior or demands persist. The consequences may range from visiting less often, to assigning another team member, or even terminating the relationship. Be prepared for a reaction when you make it clear that a boundary has been crossed. It may be a verbal attack, refusal to speak, passive-aggressive behavior, or an attempt to make you feel guilty. o Mrs. Z, I am sorry that you are angry. I do not mean to hurt you but I made it clear that I would not do X, Y, or Z task for you. o I said I could only stay for one hour, 30 minutes, etc. o I have to take care of my family or I have other commitments. When a care partner has crossed a boundary and you are in conversation attempting to clarify your position, do not demand that s/he comply, ask for his/her cooperation. Be very clear, use as few words as possible, keep it simple. Do not defend or justify your position; this will only prolong the discussion and may lead to a compromise. Treat your care partner with respect, always. Do not raise your voice or use vulgar language.

Setting and maintaining boundaries allows Team members to keep a distance so that they will be close without becoming overly involved in the care partners lives, assuming more responsibility than is good for them. When boundaries are breached, team members should discuss these issues at a team meeting so that the team is aware, discuss, and decide how to proceed with the care partner. Related Modules: Excellence in Caregiving Ministry of Presence Guiding Principles: A Person Amidst the Chaos Written by Nora Roberts

701 N. Post Oak Rd., Ste. 330, Houston, TX 77024 | 713-682-5995 info@interfaithcarepartners.org | www.interfaithcarepartners.org