‘puter Humor

Compiled by:
Daniel S.
Keenan
The Night Before Startup

'Twas the night before startup

and all through the house
not a program was working,
there clicked not a mouse

The users were nestled all snug in their beds

with visions of systems alive in their heads.
The programmers slumped round their screens in despair
and felt that a miracle now would be fair.

Then from the back office there rose such a chatter

I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter
and there to my marveling eyes did appear
a wonder programmer with a six pack of beer.

His resume glowed with experience so rare

he turned out great code with that bit-pusher's flair.
He spoke not a word but went straight to his work,
turning specs into code like a sitcom berserk.

A wink of his eye and a nod of his head

soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
More smoothly than salesmen his programs they come;
he whistled and shouted and called them by name.

On update, on add, on inquire and delete,

on batch jobs, on closing on functions complete.
His eyes all glazed over, hands nimble and lean,
from long days and nights spent in front of a screen.

He tapped and he hammered, he nothing did shirk,

turning specs into code; then he turned with a smirk,
and laying his finger upon Enter key,
the system came up and worked perfectly.

The updates updated, the deletes all deleted,

the inquiries inquired and the closing completed.
He tested each whistle, he tested each bell,
and with nary an append it all had gone well.

The system was finished, the tests were concluded,

the client’s last changes were even included.
Then the user explained in apocalypt font,
"It’s just what I asked for, but not what I want."
What if Dr. Seuss wrote technical manuals?

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,

And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,

And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
"Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!
How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed
differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are
relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what
brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs
relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add
"Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb
controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
Bill Gates and the CD of Power

Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. I mentioned that I had recently
installed Windows on my PC, told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him
the Windows CD. To my astonishment and distress he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned it
on.
I was upset because the CD had become precious to me, but he said "Do not worry, it is unharmed."
After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said "Take a close look at it."
To my surprise the CD was quite cold and it seemed to have become thicker and heavier than before.
At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, in lines
finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as
if out of a great depth.
4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C204F6E65204F5320746F
2066696E64207468656D2C0D0A4F6E65204F5320746F206272696E67207468656D20
616C6C20616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062696E64207468656D
"I cannot read the fiery letters," I said. "No," he said, "but I can. The letters are Hex, of an ancient
mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is
what it says"
"One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."
Top 20 Ways Microsoft Would Change The Auto Industry

20. The radio would be computerized, but you'd need to install 64 Meg of RAM, a new sound card, a
game card, a new video driver, a CD drive, and type C:\radio\talk\rush*.* to get it to play.
19. The entire engine wouldn't be in the bay at once, and the car would have to keep stopping and
starting to load in the relevant parts.
18. The speedometer would read 70 even though you are only doing 50.
17. You would have to have a full service every 500 miles.
16. Your car would refuse to start with a message "Abort, Retry, Fail?"
15. For some reason the engine controller would need a 1G hard disc and would take 5 minutes to boot
up.
14. The steering wheel would be replaced with a mouse and you'd need to memorize the keyboard
short-cut for "Brake".
13. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that year- instead of before it.
12. They wouldn't build their own engines but form a cartel with their engine supplier. The latest
engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve
design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it. There would be an "Engium Pro" with bigger turbos,
but it would be slower on most existing roads.
11. The air bag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size.
9. We would all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
8. The U.S. government would be forced to rebuild all of the roads for Microsoft cars; they will drive
on the old roads, but they run very slowly.
7. The oil, alternator, gas and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single 'General Car Fault'
warning light.
6. Sun MotorSystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable and five times as fast,
but would run on only 5% of the roads.
5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or CarNT -- but then
you would have to buy ten more seats and a new engine.
3. Occasionally, your car would die for NO apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely,
you would just accept this as normal.
3a. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have
to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this, too.
2. Every time the lines of the road were repainted, you would have to buy a new car.
1. People would get excited about the new features of the latest Microsoft cars, forgetting that these
same features had been available from other car makers for years.
Top 10 things likely to be overheard from a Klingon Programmer

10.Specifications are for the weak and timid!

11.You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
12.Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
13.What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes'
leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.
14.Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' - and they ALWAYS
WIN THEM.
15.Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
16.A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment on his code!
17.Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features are too
sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.
18.You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon.
19.Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like
the dogs they are!
The Use of Computers in Movies

• Word processors never display a cursor.

• You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
• All monitors display inch-high letters.
• The most relevant information is displayed in a separate windows right in the middle of the
screen, but there's never an Ok button to other way to close it.
• High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental
institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly
powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed
in plain English.
• Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL
OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
• Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD
VIRUS" (see Fortress).
• All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer,
even if it's turned off.
• Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some
computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read.
• The really advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer. (See The Hunt For
Red October or Alien)
• All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface.
Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an
explosion that forces you backwards.
• Corollary: sending data to a modem/tape drive/printer faster than expected causes it to explode.
• People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data. (See the opening
credits for The Hunt For Red October)
• A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess
the secret password in two tries.
• Any PERMISSION DENIED error has an OVERRIDE function (see Demolition Man and
countless others).
• Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three
seconds. Movie modems (especially the wireless ones they must be using when they're in the
car) usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
• When the power plant/missile-site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as
will the entire building.
• If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to
access them.
• No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All
application software is usable by all computer platforms.
• The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must
have been highly trained, because none of the buttons are labelled.
• Most computers, no matter how small, are able to produce reality-defying three-dimensional,
active animation, photo-realistic graphics, with little or no detailed input from the user.
• Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone
capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.
• Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her
face (see Alien, 2001, Jurassic Park).
• Either a Jacob's Ladder or a Van Der Graaf Generator is absolutely necessary for the operation
of new, experimental computers (especially when built by brilliant scientists), although in real
life, these devices do absolutely nothing.
• One can issue any complex set of commands in a few keystokes (see Star Trek).
• The internet connects to everything in the movies. You can edit credit records, search hotel
registries, lookup police criminal files, search (and edit) drivers license databases, edit social
security files and more just using the internet! (see The Net)
• Smashing the VDU prevents the whole system from working (see Speed).
• You can launch nuclear missles from any bedroom using an analog modem, but only if you
know a single secret password (see War Games).
What Caused that Error Message?

what caused that error message?

i'm sure it wasn't me.
now there is another one -
and i didn't touch a key!
i bought a brand new program,
hope it didn't have a bug.
i think it's much more likely
it was caused by a mug.
the screen is black, the cursor's gone,
someone must have hid it.
aha, now it's back again -
but i don't know how i did it!
i'm sure that this computer
has a mind of its own,
so until i find an expert
better leave the thing alone!
well, now i'm on the internet,
i wish i had been told -
that all my little problems
would increase a thousand-fold!
i dialed up my home page,
just to have a look around
at anything of interest -
but the server can't be found.
finally it's working,
i access many sites,
got lots of information -
downloaded megabytes.
but how many bugs and cookies?
and they now know where i am,
so they'll use their planted spyware
to send me lots of spam.
i've had to quickly shut down,
'cos something froze the screen
and when i turned it on again
everything was green!
now having trouble starting up,
must be worse than it looks.
is it a virus or a worm?
oh well, back to reading books!
US Army Rejects Windows XP

Microsoft refused to comment today on the U.S. Army's return of the customized version of Windows
XP that was purchased by the military to be loaded onto the Army's new S.C.P.B.C.D. units. These
units are the Army's answer to continual requests from battlefield commanders for a Self Contained
Personal Battlefield Computing Device. These devices are to allow battle field Commanders to keep in
touch with their troops at all times, and so the troops can relay field intelligence back to command for
continuous theatre of operation awareness.
It seems that when the Army test-loaded the customized operating system into their S.C.P.B.C.D.'s, it
refused to allow the operators to install device drivers for the cellular modem unless the driver was
digitally signed by Microsoft. This, among other installation problems were eventually corrected and
the real testing began.
The military has never been one to accept off-the-shelf consumer products for use by their troops, so in
an attempt to overcome this, some changes were made to the XP operating system, as shown below.

Some users said they enjoyed the updated interface in comparison to the standard monochromatic
interface previously used on the prototype S.C.P.B.C.D.'s. Others claimed the new interface made them
"queasy". Due to size limitations, the new units are only available with a 4-inch wide by 3-inch tall
LCD screen, which is not optimal for displaying the graphic heavy Windows interface, and as such
makes effectively communicating intelligence reports quite difficult indeed. The soldiers who were
randomly selected for the tests also complained about the fact that the units lack a private and secure
messaging system to communicate with since the default messaging system routes their intelligence
reports through MSN. As of the end of the testing there was not a fix for this, yet Microsoft had
promised "Soon, really, we mean it.".
Apparently the fixes did not come soon enough as the Army cancelled the tests and returned all of the
licensed copies to Microsoft stating that "At this time, we feel the software has yet to catch up with the
hardware, and we are moving back to our Unix based systems."
An odd twist in this story is that Microsoft is reportedly considering legal action against the U.S. Army
on the count of software piracy. Sources which wished to remain annonymous stated that the software
giant claims that the Army is still using the customized operating system in it's continued tests. The
Army representative we spoke with claims they are not pirating software, it's just that they can't get the
software to uninstall properly.
An Upgrade is Near

So you are looking to upgrade,

Tell you what my friend,
I'll relate one of my stories,
So you can defend,
Against all of the annoyances,
And all the bad times,
Why don't you keep reading,
My upgrade rhyme.
A new Hard Drive, graphics card, CD-ROM, and case,
Just to take the lead in the Jones's race,
A new Motherboard, CPU, new Memory too,
I stared on in horror as this evil bill grew,
Pentium 4-1.6 gigahertz,
What? I exclaimed as my headache got worse,
Won't run '95b! I screamed with a gasp,
My favorite operating system, obsolete at last.
Here is a nice one, it has 'Intel Inside',
The salesman said as he swelled up with pride,
AMD, Cyrix, are last of the bunch,
It is now that damned Intel that packs the most punch,
A punch to the wallet I found out real fast,
My budget discarded, as they eyed my cash,
A new stick of RAM and a floppy drive too?
Why is it that my old stuff simply won't do?
'Oh' I said as I became more confused,
So much for keeping my old Pentium 2.
'All of the new ones use Pentium 4',
The shop-keeper said as I looked for the door,
No! I thought desperately as I looked around,
A 'budget' computer was not to be found!
Around this time I felt somewhat groggy,
And my memory of events is a little bit foggy,
I left the store in a rapture and with a rather large bill,
And a hole in my bank account my paycheck wouldn't fill.
When I hear someone mention an upgrade or two,
My brain starts to hurt, and I feel so confused,
To this day I cannot remember the lines I was fed,
Yet I still feel a shiver, and quiver with dread,
Don't get me wrong, the computer is great,
But if you don't need it, I advise you to wait,
Because soon enough a new one comes out,
And all the consumers will be heard to shout,
'But I just bought this one, and it's obsolete?'
I fear it is true my friends, it happened last week.
As computers get better, and cheaper to build,
It is we, the consumer, who must foot the bill,
As far as speed goes we shout 'We need more!',
Which is dictated to us, by the software stores,
It's a vicious cycle, this computer upgrade,
Once we complete it, all-new parts are made,
They are much faster, and better we're told,
So if we don't upgrade, we're out in the cold,
When you want to upgrade think of this rhyme,
And remember my advice to just bide your time.
Remember an upgrade is just to go faster,
And try to block out the fat cat's grim laughter,
For if you do not and you listen out of fear,
You will hear the hardware fat cat whisper 'An upgrade is near',
For all of my nay-saying, and doom filled rhyme,
I must say an upgrade can be good time to time,
Just do not obsess with the latest cool gear,
Or you will forever hear whispers 'An upgrade is near'.
Quote the format, nevermore

with apologies to Edgar Allen Poe

Once upon a midnight dreary,

Upgrading to 98, and oh so weary,
Whence upon mine eyes that were so bleary,
Fell an image I am now fearing.
My disk is not optimized oh so well?
Fat 32 shall correct this so please don't dwell,
The fate of my data in it's hands fell,
My format did it sent straight to Hell.
It stores much better it did claim,
Something mistrustful in it's name,
Fat 32 convertor, was I insane?
Yet I guess I am to blame.
So onward forth did I care free tread,
Images of recombined data in my head,
Lack of sleep making my eyes go red,
So with the process I went ahead.
Ready to reboot it deftly quoted,
Dreams of extra space in my head floated,
More space at no cost it softly purported,
Lordship of my data it quietly gloated.
Waiting and waiting my confidence shrank,
Watching my screen slowly go blank,
Inward into itself my computer shrank,
And for this whom have I to thank?
What doth thou mean invalid partition?
All of my data consumed by this Gryphon,
If I only knew before I would be soon be wishing,
My allocation tables I was not risking.
I knew then that my OS crashed,
Within the disk, formats clashed,
Blinking lights on my computer flashed,
Thoroughly my data it had trashed.
After several minutes I did look,
Within the holy instructions book,
It said there was no chance in what I took,
I felt as though I had been rooked.
The repair disk the book claimed to need,
Was the one the computer refused to read,
Would not repair the result of my greed,
For hard drive space that I did not need.
In my haste and wanton lust,
For hard drive space it was a bust,
Tools in which I did place my trust,
Betrayed me only to leave me lost.
In the wee hours of the morning,
If you hear a soft little groaning,
Know it is but I my hard drive moaning,
For which my format I am mourning.
Software Testing is not politically Correct.

NEW YORK -- People for Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced today that seven more
software companies have been added to the group's watch list of companies that regularly practice
software testing.
"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies like these can market new
products." said Ken Grandola, spokesperson for PETS. "Alternative methods of testing these products
are available"
According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthy and arduous tests, often
without rest, for hours or days at a time. Employees are assigned to "break" the software by any means
necessary, and inside sources report that they often joke about "torturing" the software.
"It's no joke," said Grandola. "Innocent programs, from the day the are compiled, are cooped up in tiny
rooms and "crashed" for hours on end. They spend the whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers,
and are unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed anymore".
Grandola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is infested with bugs.
"We know that alternatives to this horror exist." he said, citing industry giant Microsoft Corporation as
a company that has become successful without resorting to software testing.
Nothing more

(with appologies to 'The Raven' by Edgar Allan Poe)

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some
more. "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, Just,
"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?

These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises. The
cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more, From Choose
"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With my fingers pale and trembling

Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Timidly I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore, Saying
"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off-guard --

I pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in desperation, trying random combinations, Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as
before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before. Reading,
"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted by my own machine, accosted

Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the
night. A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my core. The
lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore. Not even,
"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data goes.
What demonic nether world is wrought where data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore, Pleading,
"Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
If Operating Systems were Airlines

DOS AIR All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the
air, hop on, jump off when it hits the ground again. Then they grab the plane again, push it back into
the air, hop on, etcetera.
WINDOWS '95 AIRLINES The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants are all very attractive
and the pilots very capable. The fleet is immense. After your plane arrives 6 months late, you begin to
wonder why it has not arrived yet. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at
20,000 feet it crashes without warning.
MAC AIRWAYS The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, feel the same and act the
same. When asked questions about the flight they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to
know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.
OS/2 SKYWAYS The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling about.
Airline personnel walk around, apologising profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from
time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how
good the real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but
that they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems.
FLY WINDOWS NT All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs in the
outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are
flying.
WINGS of AS/400 The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest planes that ever
flew and painted "747" on their tails to make them look as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of
course, attend to your every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230 per
hour, unless you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and membership in the frequent
flyer club.
VMS AIRLINES The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of technicians check the
flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft. This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000
passengers. All the passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200 technicians.
The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to realise that the plane is
too big to get through the hangar doors!
UNIX EXPRESS Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the airport. They
gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they want to build and how to put it
together. Eventually, they build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some
passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe they got there.
Upgrading to Wife 1.0

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog
leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also
spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this
particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed
me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can
monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and
Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched
(even though the apps worked fine before).
Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-
in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish
with each passing day.
Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:
• A "don't remind me again" button.
• Minimize button.
• Ability to delete the "headache" file
• An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 version without loss loss of other
system resources.
• An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the the system's Hardware
Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.
I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with
Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install
Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two
versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that
this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to
versions 1 and 2.
To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving
undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of
Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!
VIRUS ALERT
All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1
before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself.
Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message.
To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any
file transfer applications(such as Laplink) between the two systems.
FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!!!!!!!
Male Friend Needs Technical Support

Can you please advise me. I'm having some problems. I'm currently running the latest version of
Girlfriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of
DrinkingBuddies 1.0 all along as my primary application, and all the girlfriend releases have always
conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if you run girlfriend in background mode
with the sound turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I
just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with
my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably
should have stayed with girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with GirlFriend
2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with
GirlFriend 2.0. He said that I probably didn't have enough cache to run girlfriend 2.0, and that
eventually it would require a Token ring to run properly. He was right --- as soon as I purged my
cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed
to be gone, but the first time I used it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut
down for a while.
I very cautiously upgraded to girlfriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a
virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in
my system! Then I tried to run GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend
4.0 has a feature that I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of
girlfriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both
versions! The version I have right now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all
versions of girlfriend, it is written in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less
reprogram. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired
functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-
plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented". A year ago, a friend
of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay
Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you
don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he
describes as a "huge resource hog". It has taken up all of his space, so he can't load anything else. One
of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife 1.0 is that it came bundled with FreeSexPlus 1.0. Well,
it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreesexPlus,
particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well
warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although -he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with
MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature that he can't turn off. I told him to try
installing Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0,
Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself, Then Mistress 1.0 won't install
anyway due to insufficient resources. Can you help??
Hidden Settings in MS Office 2000

The following hidden settings dialog was found in MS Office 2000:

Ah, that explains it.

Microsoft Tech Support Saves the Day

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives
on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his
instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts
running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the
fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks
the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary
office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and
proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane
stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in
that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless,
therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."
Top 15 Things People Think the '95' in 'Windows 95' Really Stands For

15. The 95 stands for average CPH : Crash Per Hour.

14. Bill Gates' age when it ships.
13. The number of days until Gates tries to sell you a newer OS.
12. The required number of megabytes of RAM to run at useable speed.
11. The percentage that will be complete on the shipping date.
10. The number of floppies it will ship in.
9. The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.
8. The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.
7. The number of pages in the EASY-INSTALL version of the manual.
6. The percentage of existing windoze programs that won't run in the new OS.
5. The number of minutes to install.
4. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.
3. The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade.
2. The number of MHz required for the OS to run.
1. The year it was due to ship.
Microsoft Renames Windows 95

REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- In an effort to dispell confusion surrounding Microsoft's upcoming

new version of Windows, Microsoft annouced today that it would rename the upgrade -- formerly
known as Windows 95 -- to WinEver.
"There seemed to be a great deal of anxiety about when the product would ship. We felt it was in the
best interest of our users to free them from this anxiety," said a Microsoft spokesperson who requested
to remain anonymous.
Industry analysts were quick to praise the decision. "WinEver will free Windows users from space and
time constraints. It also gives Windows a new timeless quality", said a member of Ziff-Davis
Publishing's Editorial Staff. "This is precisely why OS/2 is failing in the marketplace -- they have failed
to deliver a strategy for their product."
When asked when WinEver would be available, a Microsoft spokesperson said "Whenever." The
spokesperson added "It really doesn't matter since WinEver is destined to be the most powerful and
popular operating system ever." Market and industry analysts quickly agreed adding that "WinEver has
already revolutionized the industry."
A spokesperson from IBM disagreed however. "Microsoft is still trying to sell a product that doesn't
exist. IBM has been shipping a 32-bit operating system since 1992 that runs todays DOS, Windows and
OS/2 applications in a stable 32-bit environment with an advanced user interface. WinEver -- or
WhatEver it's called now -- still relies on DOS device drivers and is not a true 32-bit OS unlike OS/2."
He added that "users who think that WinEver will have no compatibility problems will be in for a
surprise."
Most users seem to remain unconvinced however. "WinEver will run everything and it won't have any
bugs or compatibility problems because it's from Microsoft. Why should I buy OS/2 which is less than
perfect when WinEver is right around the corner?"
In a related story, IBM has reportedly been working on incorporating WinEver compatibility into a
future version of OS/2. Microsoft was quick to express fear, uncertainty and doubt in regards to IBM's
chances of success. "IBM is chasing a moving target and without the source code". Industry analysts
and the media agreed adding that this is yet another example of "OS/2's failing strategy."
Microsoft Bids to Acquire Catholic Church

By Hank Vorjes
VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT
Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic
Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal
goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world
religion.
With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined
company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael
Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman
Bill Gates.
"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The
combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and
more fun for a broader range of people."
Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments
available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling
indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even
reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."
A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can
program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.
An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot
screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which
was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.
Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you
get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.
The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art
collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say
MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key
intellectual properties.
"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of
Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the
Catholics came on the scene."
But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The
Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame
theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has
increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by
Christianity, lags behind.
Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure
people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various
kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it.
Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most
widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's
vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".
Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will
support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of
interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations,"
said Gates.
The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a
spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their
position in the increasingly competitive religious market.
Microsoft Buys 1995

News Flash: Windows 95 WILL be on TIME.

In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates announced yesterday that he has purchased the
entire calendar year of 1995. 1995 will be replaced instead by "Year-M" to be followed by actual 1995.
"Windows 95 was not going to ship on schedule," Gates said. "But we couldn't change the name
again... people were starting to get confused. So instead of spending a lot of time and money on a new
marketing campaign we decided just to buy 1995. That way we get an extra year to debug Windows
and get it shipped for what will be the new 1995."
Microsoft arranged this coup by leveraging its financial assets to bail out the Federal Government and
pay off the national debt. The IRS is being disbanded for next year, but taxes will be collected as usual
with one change: all checks must be made payable to "Bill Gates."
A side benefit of this purchase is that Gates now owns the judicial branch for the duration of "Year-M."
Speculators stated that Gates would likely use this opportunity to dismiss the numerous lawsuits
pending against Microsoft. Gates apparently feels this would be cheaper than actually hiring lawyers to
represent his rickety cases.
In a related story, God has filed suit against Gates because of his purchase, claiming time to be the sole
property of God. In a countersuit, Gates claims God is a monopoly and demands that he be broken up
into "deity conglomerates."
"Gosh," said Gates. "They broke up AT&T... why can't we break up God?"
Inside sources at Microsoft said that Gates was looking for an early resolution to the suit by hiring God
as a programmer. Evidently, God has the exact profile that Gates is looking for in a programmer: he
doesn't mind rainy climates, doesn't need any money, isn't married, and can work for at least 6 days
without sleeping.
"If we could just get some employees like that," Gates lamented, "we would be able to ship Windows
95 on time."
Computers are from Venus, Computers are from Mars

The Top Ten Reasons Computers Must Be Male

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night
1. Size does matter!
The Top Ten Reasons Computers Must Be Female
10. Picky, picky, picky.
9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8. Beauty is only shell deep.
7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing"
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
5. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
4. Smalltalk is important.
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
2. They make you take the garbage out.
1. Miss a period and they go wild!!!
Switch to HTML format a Microsoft power grab?

Every so often, Microsoft comes up with a new "domination stategy", a way to, ultimately, either take
over a market (we'll just give away what Company X, the leader, sells as their flagship product) or get
you to buy more software from them you don't really want (assuming you use any).
This is why new version of MS-Word have new file formats (you get New Word with New PC, folks in
your company exchange documents and before you know it, you have to upgrade Old PC to New Word
and, perhaps, New OS).
The latest spin, revealed by one of my best MS contacts, is terribly insidious, though on the surface it
sounds almost innocent. The basic premise is: Microsoft is switching from their proprietary .HLP file
format to HTML, and they're encouraging all developers to do so as well.
Now scratch the surface of that seemingly innocent move. You'll find the new document format isn't
normal HTML, but HTML with some Microsoft proprietary format and compression, only read by
Internet Explorer 4.something. You'll also see that Microsoft developer documentation no longer
comes in paper, but only in this format. So every developer is forced to run IE4.x or, given all the bugs
that entails, Windows 98.
But, you might think, couldn't developers opt for normal HTML? Right you are, they could, it would
work. And it's well known just where in the Microsoft Certification Queue that'll land you. So it's
impractical. So all new documentation sent out by all other companies on Windows will, sooner or
later, adopt this new format. Which you can't read without IE4.0, which kills your system stability
under Windows 95. So you're virtually forced to upgrade to Windows 98, without any "gun to the
head" even implied here, since the program APIs (at least for a few months) are all still the same.
Those boys may be evil, but they do that part of it so well, it's like "car crash as an artform".
Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98

A Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (C), the latest version of the world's #1 computer
operating system from Microsoft. Before using your new software, please take the time to read these
instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the limited warranty.
Windows 98 (C) represents a significant technological improvement over Microsoft's previous
operating system, Windows 95 (C). You'll notice immediately that "98" is a larger number than "95," a
better than 3 percent increase. But that's not all. Windows 98 (C) contains many features not found in
Windows 95 (C), or in any competing computer operating system, if there were any. Among the
improvements: faster storing and retrieving of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps Lock" and
back-space functionality, smoother handling, less knocking and pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page
User's Guide, and rugged weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box. Most important, Windows 98
(C) offers superior compatibility with all existing Microsoft products. We're betting that you'll never
use another company's software again.
Windows 98 (C) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft Explorer, the world's most
popular Internet browser. And despite what you may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice,
Windows 98 (C) offers you the freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice, whether it's the
one produced by the world's largest and most trusted software producer, or by a smaller company that
will either go out of business or become part of the Microsoft family.
Configuring Windows 98 (C) to use a browser other than Microsoft Explorer is easy. Simply open the
"Options" folder, click on the "time bomb" icon, and select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box will
ask "Are you sure?" Click "yes." This question may be asked several more times in different ways; just
keep clicking "yes." Eventually, the time-bomb icon will enlarge to fill the entire screen, signifying that
the browser is being loaded. You'll know the browser is fully loaded when the fuse on the time bomb
"runs out" and the screen "explodes." If at any time after installation you become disappointed with the
slow speed and frequent data loss associated with other browsers, simply tap the space bar on your
keyboard. Microsoft Explorer will automatically be re-installed--permanently.
Windows 98 (C) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year 2000" computer problem. As you
may know, most computers store the current year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will
mistake the year 2000 for 1900. Windows 98 (C) solves the problem by storing the year as a four-digit
number and, in theory, you won't have to upgrade this part of the operating system until the year 10000.
However, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits has prompted a few minor
changes in the software's internal calendar. Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as single
day, known as "Satsun," and the month of June will be replaced by two 15-day months called "Bill"
and "Melissa."
Please also take the time to complete the online registration form. It only takes a few minutes and will
help us identify the key software problems our customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the
information you provide, whether it's your Social Security number, bank records, fingerprints, retina
scan or sexual history, will be shared with any outside company not already designated as a Microsoft
DataShare partner.
We've done our best to make using Windows 98 (C) as trouble-free as possible=2E We want to hear
from you if you're having any problems at all with your software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline and
follow the recorded instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open every day but Satsun, and is closed for
the entire month of Bill.)
If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working perfectly, and an electronic message
to that effect will be forwarded to the Justice Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to the
editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American consumers want software
designed by companies that are free to innovate, not by government bureaucrats.
Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 (C).
The Top 11 Entries in Bill Gates' Diary

11. Invited entire tech-support department to play golf. Brought Melissa to complete the foursome.
10. Steve Jobs started work today. The silverware looks great, but he doesn't do windows -- yet.
9. The baby cries constantly. Maybe I'll buy Fisher-Price.
8. Bought my first Macintosh. It's sooooo cute!
7. Good day. Found over 15 bucks' worth of soda cans in the trash bins outside Microsoft headquarters.
6. Bad day. Ellison sent back the heads of two of the three hitmen I hired, along with a note saying he
ate the third one whole.
5. Still ahead of Murdoch and Eisner. Yes!
4. Reminder: 35-cent Snapple coupon expires in two days!
3. Memo to self: Next time, when my wife says we need to buy china, she means dishes.
2. Ran into Demi and Bruce. Upped my offer to a billion dollars.
and the Number 1 Entry in Bill Gates' Diary...
1. Seventh day: rested.
Signs That You've Had TOO MUCH Of The 90's

You try to enter your password on the microwave.

You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for
dinner?"
Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next
door neighbor yet this year.
You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web
page.
Your daughter just bought on CD all the records your college roommate used to play that you most
despised.
Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.
You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
Microsoft Addresses Justice Department Accusations

REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of
Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government of the
United States of America for an undisclosed sum.
"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It really
is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone".
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with U.S. President Bill
Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal". The United States will be
managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public offering is planned for July of next
year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to
Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a
position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United States government,
reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to
Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track
record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates their "full support and confidence". Clinton will
reportedly be earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new
role at Microsoft. Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly",
though did say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing
office at Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be
abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing". When asked if
the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't deny that
discussions are taking place". Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United
States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all
Microsoft products.
About Microsoft
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software for personal
computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services for
public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more
enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free society every
day.
About the United States
Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of the world,
and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered in
Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.
"The United States of America" and "Microsoft" are registered trademarks of Microsoft Corporation.
Announcing Microsoft Panhandling

REDMOND, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates
announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.
"The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money,"recalls Gates. "I
suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit
without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my
limo driver run over him several times."
Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates' vision of panhandling for
the 21st century.
"We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says
Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu, "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."
Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog
box pops up, asking the user if they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get
a hot meal. ("This is a little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller, "since our diet consists of
Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't embellish a little?") The user can click Yes, in which
case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user's bank account
to Microsoft's. The user can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the user to have a
nice day. The "No" button has not yet been implemented.
"We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button," Bernard Liu says, "but we should
definitely have it up and running within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014
comes out. Maybe."
Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products.
"Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either takes $50 or erases your hard
drive, and Microsoft Squegee Guy, which will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft
Squegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)
But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle Corporation are introducing
panhandling products of their own.
"Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and
3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. "I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers asking you
for change. You'll have an entire network of machines asking you for money."
Gates responded with, "I know what you are, but what am I?" General pandemonium then ensued.
Support Call

"Welch Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\> prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the
screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
[Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked
out his/her monitor's power plug.] "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's
on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see
that?"
[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
[pause] "Yes, it is."
[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to
send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's
bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.]
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of
it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
[muffled] "Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
[still muffled] "I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
[clear again] "No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle--it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power--!?!" ...[AAAAAAARGH!]
This person was good friends with my supervisor, so I couldn't deal with him/her the way I really
wanted to, and was forced to explain sweetly and gently to him/her that computers needed power just
like office lights, and if the office lights were out, then the computer was too, and that yes, if s/he
hadn't saved her work s/he had probably lost everything s/he'd done so far in WordPerfect. But I could
still fantasize:
"A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take
it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!" [slam]
but that wouldn't have been a very nice thing to do, now would it?
A Week in the Life of the Notes Support Person from Hell

Monday 8:05am User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility
called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let the people vote and drive,
too?
8:12amAccounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database. Gave them Standard
Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my
coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more
happy customer...
8:14 am User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error accessing Drive 0." Told them it
was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport.
11:00 amRelatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my
girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to
janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The "Myst" and "Doom" nationals are this
weekend!
11:34 amAnother user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on HR performance
review database so that nobody but HR can access database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change
ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US.
12:00 pm Lunch
3:30 pm Return from lunch.
3:55 pm Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no reason. Return to
napping.
4:23 pmYet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask them what chip set
they're using. Tell them to call back when they find out.
4:55 pm Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift has something to do.
Tuesday 8:30 am Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible time with
Save/Replication conflicts.
9:00 amSupport manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love
to, but kinda busy. Put something in the calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support lines, which
have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.
9:35 pmTeam leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need form J-
19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS
database. Say they never heard of such a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.
10:00 amPerky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell her I need employee
number, department name, manager name, and marital status. Run @DbLookup against state parole
board database, Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell
her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last week's "Reengineering for
Customer Partnership," I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment.
10:07 amJanitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement. Offer to train him on Notes.
Begin now. Let him watch console while I grab a smoke.
1:00 pm Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he transferred them to
cafeteria lady. I like this guy.
1:05 pmBig commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor tiles outside his office
door. Stress to him importance of not running in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod -- Fire!"
1:15 pmDevelopment Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in form names.
Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it. Hang up and run global search/replace using
gaks.
1:20 pmMary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for "Notice Loads" or "NoLoad
Goats," she's not sure, couldn't here over industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce
Nodes." Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it and hangs up.
2:00 pmLegal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in her purse, floor of car,
and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape
over all the airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while she does
that.
2:49 pm Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.
Wednesday 8:30 amIrate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form. Tell them Of
course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not "chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.
9:10amSupport manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules 10:00am meeting with me. User
calls and wants to talk to support manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about
to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material...
10:00 amCall Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support manager's office. He says he
can't dismiss me but can suggest several lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-
world countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask if he's aware of new bug
which takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and
Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for
keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.
10:30 am Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate PBX system
sometime.
11:00 am Lunch.
4:55 pm Return from lunch.
5:00 pm Shift change; Going home.
Thursday 8:00 amNew guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him server room,
wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs
the same in both monochrome and color.
8:45 am New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him. Set minimum password
length to 64. Go grab smoke.
9:30 am Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids" Louie comments. Is this guy great or
what?!
11:00 amBeat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of sleeves ("Always have
backups"). User calls, says Accounting server is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better
reception) and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer!
11:55 am Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01:
"Whereas all new employee beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with said
corporation, said employee is obligated to provide sustenance and relief to senior technical analyst on
shift."
Marvin doubts. I point to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece of work, if I say so myself!).
"Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor
tile to get to exit door.
1:00 pm Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...
4:30 pm Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.
5:00 pm Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just testing the On/Off button...). See
ya tomorrow.
Friday 8:00 am Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told them it worked fine
before I left.
9:00 am Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls myself. Unforward phones
from Mailroom.
9:02 amYep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the Oiuji board determine it's
sunspots. Tell them to call Telecommunications.
9:30 amGood God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and can't replicate with Des
Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server
back two hours.
10:17 am Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them to set server ahead three
hours.
11:00 amE-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on their servers. I change
the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.
11:20 am Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.
11:23 am Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.
11:25 amSupport manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard to get good help..." I
respond. Support manager says he has appointment with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I
mind sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No problem!"
11:30 amCall Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a meeting this afternoon.
"Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff" I tell him.
12:00 am Lunch.
1:00 pm Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make them fast.
1:03 pm Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!
2:30 pmLook in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45pm appointment for him.
He really should be at home resting, you know.
2:39 pmNew user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection document. Tell them to run
connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.
2:50 pmSupport manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means appointment cancelled. Says he's
just going to go on home. Ask him if he's seen corporate Web page lately.
3:00 pmAnother (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest they place
@DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.
4:00 pm Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set point size to "2" in help
databases.
4:30 pmUser calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to go to view, do a "Edit --
Select All", hit delete key, and then refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.
4:45 pm Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them I'll fix it. Hang up. Change
font to Wingdings.
4:58 pm Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too) much.
5:00 pm Night shift shows up. Tell that the hub is acting funny and to have a good weekend.
Improve Your Computer Vocabulary

Analog: Hors d'oeuvre, usually made from cheese and covered with crushed nuts
Backup: Opposite of go forward
Batch Processing: Making a lot of cookies at once
Binary: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes
Bit: 12 1/2 cents
Branch: If watered, it will grow into a computer club (see computer club)
Buffer: Programmer who works in the nude
Bug: 1. Programmer's term for a feature 2. An elusive creature living in a program which makes it
incorrect. Note: the activity of "debugging" or removing bugs from a program ends when a
programmer gets tired of doing it, not when all the bugs are removed
Character density: The number of very weird people in the office, divided by the floor space
Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors
Computer Club: Used to strike computer forcefully upon receiving error messages
Coding: An addictive drug
Compile: A heap of decomposing vegetable matter
Compiler: Noah Webster (1758-1843)
Console: What one does to a depressed computer
Cursor: An expert in 4-letter words
Dump: A system programmer's work area
Feature: Hardware limitation as described by a marketing representative
Hardware: The parts of a computer which can be kicked
Keyboard: An instrument used for entering errors into a system
Language: A system of organizing and defining error messages
Loop: See loop
Machine-independent Program: A program which will not run on any machine
Microcomputer: One millionth of a computer
Null String: The result of a 4-hour database search
On-line: The idea that a human should always be accessible
Password: The nonsense word taped to your terminal
Performance: A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or rather, might work
under certain circumstances. Or was rumored to be working about a month ago
Printer: Johann Gutenberg (1400-1468)
Quality Control: Ensuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand and add to the cost of
its manufacture or design
Strategy: A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime after those creating it
have left the organization
User: Someone requiring drug rehabilitation
8-bit machine: A computer selling for $1.00 (see bit)
16-bit machine: A computer selling for $2.00 (see bit)
The Man From Microsoft

There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft.
"Not you again," I said.
"Sorry," he said, a little sheepishly. "I guess you know why I'm here."
Indeed I did. Microsoft's $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 95 operating system was
meant to be universally effective, to convince every human being on the planet that Windows 95 was
an essential, some would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had bought it.
Specifically, I hadn't bought it. I was the Last Human Being Without Windows 95. And now this little
man from Microsoft was at my door, and he wouldn't take no for an answer.
"No," I said.
"You know I can't take that," he said, pulling out a copy of Windows 95 from a briefcase. "Come on.
Just one copy. That's all we ask."
"Not interested." I said. "Look, isn't there someone else you can go bother for a while? There's got to be
someone else on the planet who doesn't have a copy."
"Well, no," The Microsoft man said. "You're the only one."
"You can't be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer," I said. "Hell, not everyone on the
planet has a PC! Some people own Macintoshes, which run their own operating system. And some
people who have PCs run OS/2, though I hear that's just a rumor. In short, there are some people who
just have no use for Windows 95."
The Microsoft man look perplexed. "I'm missing your point," he said.
"Use!" I screamed. "Use! Use! Use! Why BUY it, if you can't USE it?"
"Well, I don't know anything about this 'use' thing you're going on about," The Microsoft man said.
"All I know is that according to our records, everyone else on the planet has a copy."
"People without computers?"
"Got 'em."
"Amazonian Indians?"
"We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes."
"The Amish."
"Check."
"Oh, come on," I said. "They don't even wear BUTTONS. How did you get them to buy a computer
operating system?"
"We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box," the Microsoft man admitted.
"We sort of lied. Which means we are all going to Hell, every single employee of Microsoft." He was
somber for a minute, but then perked right up. "But that's not the point!" he said. "The point is,
EVERYONE has a copy. Except you."
"So what?" I said. "If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you expect me to do it, too?"
"If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely."
"No."
"Jeez, back to that again," the Microsoft man said. "Hey. I'll tell you what. I'll GIVE you a copy. For
free. Just take it and install it on your computer." He waved the box in front of me.
"No," I said again. "No offense, pal. But I don't need it. And frankly, your whole advertising blitz has
sort of offended me. I mean, it's a computer operating system! Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But you
guys are advertising it like it creates world peace or something."
"It did."
"Pardon?"
"World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button access. Click on it, poof, end to
strife and hunger. Simple."
"So what happened?"
"Well, you know," he said. "It took up a lot of space on the hard drive. We had to decide between it or
the Microsoft Network. Anyway, we couldn't figure out how to make a profit off of world peace."
"Go away," I said.
"I can't," he said. "I'll be killed if I fail."
"You have got to be kidding," I said.
"Look," the Microsoft man said, "We sold this to the AMISH. The Amish! Right now, they're opening
the boxes and figuring out they've been had. We'll be pitchforked if we ever step into Western
Pennsyvania again. But we did it. So to have YOU holding out, well, it's embarassing. It's embarassing
to the company. It's embarassing to the product. It's embarassing to BILL."
"Bill Gates does not care about me," I said.
"He's watching right now," the Microsoft man said. "Borrowed one of those military spy satellites just
for the purpose. It's also got one of those high-powered lasers. You close that door on me, zap, I'm a
pile of grey ash."
"He wouldn't do that," I said, "He might hit that copy of Windows 95 by accident."
"Oh, Bill's gotten pretty good with that laser," the Microsoft man said, nervously. "Okay. I wasn't
supposed to do this, but you leave me no choice. If you take this copy of Windows 95, we will reward
you handsomely. In fact, we'll give you your own Caribbean island! How does Montserrat sound?"
"Terrible. There's an active volcano there."
"It's only a small one," the Microsoft man said.
"Look," I said, "even if you DID convince me to take that copy of Windows 95, what would you do
then? You'd have totally saturated the market. That would be it. No new worlds to conquer. What
would you do then?"
The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me.
"'Windows 95....For Pets'?!?!?"
"There's a LOT of domestic animals out there," he said.
I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a laser, and then nothing.
Abort, Retry, Ignore?

With Apologies to E. A. Poe

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,

System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,
I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.
Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Microsoft Announces Windows TP

Microsoft Announces Beta Release Of Windows TP

REDMOND WA (JAN 13) BUSINESS WIRE - Microsoft Corp announced Thursday that a beta
release of Windows TP, the telepathic operating system, was released to 1,500 test sites worldwide.
Developed using the soon-to-be released Microsoft C for Neurons, Windows TP bypasses awkward
user interfaces by interacting directly with the user's brain. Using Microsoft MindMouse, users can
visualize images in their mind, and the application associated with that image (or "thought icon") is
executed. Users can visualize pictures to create Windows Bitmap images, or think text directly into
Windows applications. Windows TP is fully compatible with all previous versions of Windows.
Data stored under Windows TP can be copied into the user's short-term memory (the Windows TP
Clipboard), or transferred directly into the user's long-term memory using Windows' new 32-bit Direct
Neuron Access technology. Users can then plug into other Windows TP systems to transfer data.
Microsoft also announced the first application developed exclusively for Windows TP. CyberMail is a
mental mail system designed to transfer messages by thought. Users visualize the person or company
logo they want to send a message to, followed by the message to send. Microsoft has had a beta version
of the application in use for several months.
CONTACT: Microsoft Corporation, Liz Wagthor, 206-555-8080 (CyberMail address: A shorth dumpy
lady with shiny red hair and a really gross mole growing on the right side of her lip). A blue tattoo on
her right arm that says "Billy G.'s the Man for Me"
Testers Report Problems With Windows TP Beta
NEW YORK, Apr 1, Reuter - Microsoft's new Windows TP has a long way to go before final release,
say beta testers of the product.
Testers report numerous problems with the thought icons included with the product. "I can see a fish
tail representing some useful things, but the Program Manager? It's just not intuitive", says Clyde
Revlon, an MIS specialist with McBalmy, Crain, and Larch. "Whoever came up with these thought
icons needs therapy. I'm sure the guy's Yorkshire terrier is wonderful, but as the File Manager? A
golden retriever I could understand. And that sweater the terrier is wearing, it's just too loud. Let me
control the sweater."
Testers also report dangerous corruption problems with the Direct Neuron Access technology. "Colors,
I smell colors. Dog, good dog, go to the light mom", said Maggie Ferreaux, a consultant with Sharp,
Trenchant, and Blunt Computer Services.
Other testers were less understanding. "I'm working on a presentation, and suddenly, all I can think
about is pages "A" through "C" of the Miami telephone directory. It took me three hours to get it out of
my mind. That blows my productivity right out of the water", says Max Pirenich, a salesman for Carp
Technology. "Just thinking about Excel scares the crap out of me."
Microsoft officials acknowledged the issues, citing that no beta release of a product is perfect, and
vowed to provide testers with the services of the same Neurologist that helped Microsoft Quality
Assurance recover from testing the product in its early stages. Many Microsoft QA engineers are
expected to live long, productive lives.
Bugs Found During Testing Of Windows TP (In No Particular Order)
• There's a HUGE problem with DOUBLESPACE.
The left and right sides of the brain can no longer communicate with each other, and the Corpus
Collusum (the part connecting the two brain hemispheres) begins to deteriorate.
• Users of Windows TP at IBM are being admitted to local asylum for treatment - prognosis is
not promising.
An unknown virus is suspected, and doctor's are baffled by it's mutigenic characterisitcs and the fact
that the individuals keep writing "Your system is not stoned. Legalize Marijuana."
• When you sneeze, the microwave blows up (unless you have the oven cooking something at at
least 400 degrees, in which case the inadvertent signal is diverted from the microwave to porch
light, in which case the light merely turns on/off.
If there is no porch light, the signal "searches" for the household outlet with the most expensive
equipment plugged into it (we're not yet sure how it's able to tell, but it never fails) and immediately
causes a complete meltdown. No surge suppressor on the market has been able to prevent this as yet).
• If you are startled, the TV is turned on and/or locked to PBS.
A technician visit is required to replace fried components.
• An erotic fantasy may cause your internet account to start spouting nursery rhyme messages to
all addresses on the internet.
This depends on the level of erotica involved - those involving animals and/or household appliances
have been shown, on occassion, to start the launch sequence on various ICBM's.
• People taking Tylenol suddenly have photographic memories, while those on Advil lose all
short-term memory.
Aspirin has been found to induce Alzeheimer's.
• Some users have been experiencing difficulties when attempting to multi-task with Windows
TP(TM).
As anyone who knows anything knows, Windows-based systems have historically had a problem with
this, and Windows TP has followed this proud tradition and even improved upon it. It seems that under
certain as yet unspecified conditions, any attempt to visualize two distinct icons simultaneously has
resulted in a condition which has been called "Bono-ization", that is to say, the user becomes convinced
they are Sonny Bono. The user becomes completely unproductive, and unless immediate treatment
occurs, they campaign for public office (any office). The only treatment known to be effective against
this malady is exposure to Cher's 'Turn back time' video. Users are strenuously advised to use only one
application at a time until this effect is explored further.
• On the lighter side of the news, the new "Mind Faxing" application has come on-line and is
beginning to experience heavy use.
With this utility a user is able to reproduce a hard-copy print of a product at a remote location simply
by visualizing the product and giving the telepathic command to activate the 'Neural Fax Modem' or
NFM. One reminder; however, NFM does NOT stand for No F____ing More. Users are advised that
visualizing the improper acronym while telepathically engaging the NFM results more often than not in
a hard copy reproduction of unsavory (and in some states illegal) activities and Microsoft (TM) will
NOT be liable for any sexual harassment lawsuits arising from improper use of our products.
• WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
Do not UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WHATSOEVER attempt to operate Windows TP using an
Intel Pentium (TM) processor. In some cases this interaction appears to effect the autonomic nervous
functions such as breathing. Apparently in some cases users have been exposed to situations calling for
them to take 4 breaths, and the well-known 'floating point error' flaw in the processor has attempted to
take 3.994 breaths. While the cumulative effect of all these incompleted exhalations is not completely
understood, it is entirely possible that a potentially dangerous internal carbon dioxide buildup could
occur in users that are effected. We at Microsoft (TM) wish to stress the fact that this problem is due to
an inherent flaw in the processor chip, not a programming or operating system error (this time it really
IS somebody else's fault).
• While using PowerPoint 4.0 and attempting to convert a 3.0 file to 4.0, the garage door opener
activates.
• Helpful hint: To program your VCR, open Microsoft Word, enter all the information as text,
then try to save as a WordPerfect 5.0 document.
• When saving a file as WindowsWrite 3.x, depending on the amount of characters (even or odd),
you will either max-out or zero your credit card balances.
• CAUTION: IF YOU ARE LOGGED-IN TO A LAN SYSTEM USING THE WINDOWS TP
NEURO-OPTIC CEREBRAL LAN USER EXTENTION (NOCLUE) AND IT
CRASHES/LOCKS-UP, YOU ARE GUARANTEED AT LEAST 4 HOURS OF
UNINTERRUPTED SLEEP.
Announcing SoftBrain95

You've doubled your RAM, you've doubled your speed, you've even doubled your CPU. You're still
hungry for more. What to do next?

Double Your Brain!

Since the introduction of the Altair in the mid-1970s, the power of the average personal computer has
grown at an exponential rate. Today's notebook computer possesses orders of magnitude more
processing power than the Apollo astronauts took with them to the moon. You and I wouldn't think of
booting up with less than a PowerPC or Pentium; Neil Armstrong cruised a half-million miles and
made One Giant Leap(tm) with TTL circuitry!
Despite the explosion in processing power and the accompanying plunge in costs for RAM and hard
disk storage, many computer users are still disappointed with the performance of their personal
computer systems.
"In 1985, when I bought my Mac 512K and an ImageWriter II," says Roy Cardiff, an early Mac
adopter, "it took me about a day to write and edit a 10 page memo. Now that I have a Mac 8500
32/1080MB and a color laser printer, it takes me... about a day to type and edit a 10 page memo."
Indeed, our detailed analyses show that over the course of a 24 hour period, 99.94% of all processor
cycles are spent waiting for you, the computer user, to do something. In other words, the bottleneck
today is not in your computer--it is in your head.
The lesson is plain. If you want to get more out of your computer, you're going to have to improve
*your* performance. To help you along, we've developed SoftBRAIN 95.
In our beta testing, we have found that SoftBRAIN 95 significantly increases the rate at which
experienced users are able to get work done with their computers:
Good ideas per hour:
w/o SoftBRAIN 95 ******************
w/ SoftBRAIN 95 **********************************

Bad ideas per hour:

w/o SoftBRAIN 95 ********
w/ SoftBRAIN 95 ***************

Coherent sentences per hour:

w/o SoftBRAIN 95 **********
w/ SoftBRAIN 95 *****************

(Your results may vary. We've noticed that people with a general propensity for bad ideas produce a
majority of bad ideas with SoftBRAIN 95. We're working on a fix. In the meantime, we do not
recommend SoftBRAIN 95 for idiots, MBAs, or government employees.)
Look for SoftBRAIN 95 at your local retailer/mail order house. Available soon!
Windows 95 Source Code

Warning: do not compile; unpredictable results

Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***

Project: Version - Windows 95

Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):

#include
#include
#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)

#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

void main()
{
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_blank_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
while(everyone_chats_about_blank_version)
{
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
market_time=ripe;
say("It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_blank_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=TRUE;
break;
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
{
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say("Yes it will work");
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
" the 32 bits architecture");
 inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
"'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
everyone");
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
when(time_is_ripe)
{
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows_95_is_bugfree)
{
order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
release (journalist);
}
}
break;
}
while (vapourware)
{
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
}
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
{
bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
{
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
bastard");
}
}
if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
{
divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
if (boobies_start_to_hang)

dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
}
if (there_is_another_company)
{
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
 hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
us */
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}

void bugfix(void)
{
charge (a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
if (still_complaints)
{
ignore(customer);
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
}
}
Undocumented Error Codes

The following is a list of undocumented Windows 95 error codes which somehow got overlooked when
printing the documentation.

WinErr 001: Windows loaded - System in danger

WinErr 002: No Error - Yet
WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr 004: Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted - System confused
WinErr 006: Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
WinErr 007: System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
WinErr 008: Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
WinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB
WinErr 00C: Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!
WinErr 00D: Window closed - Do not look outside
WinErr 00E: Window open - Do not look inside
WinErr 00F: Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr 011: Window open - Do not look outside
WinErr 012: Window closed - Do not look inside
WinErr 013: Unexpected error - Huh ?
WinErr 014: Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old Windows licence is
not valid anymore.
WinErr 019: User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
WinErr 01A: Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.
WinErr 01B: Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for
that.
WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WinErr 01D: System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr 01E: Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
WinErr 020: Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.
WinErr 042: Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires
Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
WinErr 079: Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse
button to continue.
WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be
displayed or recorded.
WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
WinErr 683: Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot
procedure.
WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available
Microsoft CRAP

REDMOND, Wa -- November 8th, 1995 -- Microsoft announed today a new software package called
currently Computer Response Automation Program, or C.R.A.P. This is a system for Win95 in which is
automaticly chooses what you do and do not want to do. After watching you use your computer for one
day it automaticly "learns" how to do what you do. This includes pressing certain buttons in dialog
boxes, opening usual programs and entering in data.

Currently in its beta version, the users it is targetting for (Computer Idiots (All registered users of
BOB)) have all had a similar reaction of liking the computer to make all of its decisions for them. "Its
great to sit down and find out what my computer ordered me off of America On-Line!". Currently the
only bug found in the system is that it will periodically sign you onto the Microsoft Network, and order
random Microsoft products using your credit card. Microsoft commented by saying "We plan on
making it a full feature by release time, which will be by 1996." Apple was asked for a comment on
this new product and simply said "Hahahahaha". IBM refused to comment on the situation, fearing the
press may bring up the OS/2 shenanigan. Most users of BOB and all users of Win95 will be eligable for
this program, which will be supplied free of charge by Microsoft. It is bundled with a new version of
Quicken, the popular money managment software, which is modified to work with C.R.A.P. The
Justice Department will be investigating Microsoft on claims that the new Quicken allows Microsoft
access to your bank accounts, Bill Gates commented on this with "Most users of [Win95] couldn't
balance their checkbook if they tried, we are simply easing their life by controling their finances. Is that
a crime?"
Microsoft stock jumped 253 points the same day that their beta versions of C.R.A.P. were installed on
all NYSE computer terminals. Microsoft C.R.A.P. updates will soon be released free to all users on the
Web or via free CDROM which installs itself. "It's like not having a computer, but having one. Truley
amazing revolution in technology," A CNN analyst bought by Microsoft said, "It will revolutionize all
of the revolutions in the revolutionary Win95 revolution in technology." Microsoft announced that
C.R.A.P. will not be availible for the Macintosh system or WinNT because they are "too smart, we
might get caught" said a contact inside Microsoft for the AP.
Microsoftland

The start menu slams

An error wave file plays
I am trapped in a prison
And crashed ten times today
Bill Gates had a vision
Along with IBM
But someone got a little greedy
And sacrificed the software lamb
So now Dos is dead
IBM and Macintosh are hanging
At the end of the thread
And Gates controls almost everthing
OS2/WARP and Copland
System 7 and Unix
Are going Windows, just like he planned
So what if Macintosh did it back in '86
And Gates Programming Faults (GPFs)
Make Win 95 into swiss cheese
My sound won't work, my screen won't resize
The hard drive formats everytime I sneeze
So for every computer user left
Who is enslaved and broke
I have only one request
Separate the pig from its poke

The Setup Wizard can't find

The Setup Wizard path
The calculator crashes everytime
You do simple math
The spellchecker refuses
To call Windows a word
Whenever I write about the rubbish
I've experienced in the Microsoft world
Plug and play won't load
And you can't recycle the recycle bin
You can't turn off your computer
Until it squeezes in one more sin
It's just one more day
Of headaches and jams
Silicon lies and the world's greatest swindle
In Microsoftland
I've dealt with little kids
Who play with their food
And color on the walls
But this isn't quite as good
Somewhere in the startup files
Are several programs worth remembering
They are encrypted and hidden
So there's no chance of uninstalling
Microsoft GPF Doubler runs
Everytime you try to multi-task
And the psychic windows for workgroups
Always knows the wrong questions to ask
No one knows what
Section Error 14001b.4 means
And we really don't like how
Defrag blows our hard drive into smithereens
And I detest how they used
My palm print from kindergarten
To make an ergonomic mouse
And no, I haven't forgotten
How additional software
Seems to include
Those essential updates for the errors
That blacken our moods
My monitor blinks now when I crash
And I can hear the memory go wham wham wham
The hard drive just grinds uselessly
Is there no escape from Microsoftland?
Why have a Dos windows
That won't do dos things?
Nothing in it works right
But remind you of useful computer things
That you can no longer do.
You could call it an upgrade that's pretty darn swell
Even though you couldn't go back if you wanted
So, in a way, you've been sent into Micrsoft hell.
Would it help to rant and rave
And sacrifice a chicken
Over the stack of boxes and bills
Crucify a Sega Saturn
And pray to the Gates-God on high
While turning off everything
And using Windows with a sigh
To benchmark my computer for crashing?
I didn't mean to buy a boat anchor
And sell my soul to the man
Responsible for an electronic madness
Called Microsoftland
Is Windows a Virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

• They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

• Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay,
Windows does that.
• Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
• Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.
Sigh... Windows does that, too.
• Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user
will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:Viruses are well
supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and
efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug.
Microsoft Tester Dies Tragically At Hands Of 'Pal'

REDMOND, Wa - The Microsoft Redmond Campus was rocked by tragedy today as Paul Fitzgerald,
Test Engineer on the Windows NT Team, was brutally murdered in an apparently psychotic tirade by
one of the "personalities" of Microsoft's latest operating system shell program, Bob. In the small hours
of this morning, Java, the "friendly" coffee-drinking dinosaur, burst from the screen of Fitzgerald's
computer, cutting a swath of destruction throughout the hapless worker's office and into the
accompanying hallway.

The beast was quickly subdued by Microsoft Campus Security upon failing to produce a valid
Microsoft keycard, avoiding what could otherwise have been a tragedy of much greater proportions. He
is currently undergoing psychiatric evaluation at the Washington Institute for Perfectly Valid Lifeforms
Who in the Heat of the Moment Do Some Absolutely Naughty Things. Says Lars Opstad, chief
spiritual healer and concert pianist, "It's touch and go right now. I don't think Java yet realizes the
immensity of what he's done."
`Eyewitnesses say that they could hear the stegosaur-like computer guide screaming "All I wanted was
a GOOD espresso" in those terrible moments before dawn. Said Rover Retriever, another Bob
personality, "This is just terrible. Java was always such a great guy. Sure, he was a little high strung,
but I can't believe he would do something like this. I think we need to seriously re-examine the stress
that the Bob Personality group is under so that another such incident doesn't occur."
A possible precipitant to the incident could be Java's recent attempt to quit smoking as a result of a
clause in his contract. Lawyers are examining whether this constitutes a violation of discriminatory
hiring statutes on Microsoft's part. Microsoft Legal could not be reached for comment, but an
undisclosed source asserted "We couldn't have him puffing away like that. He's a dinosaur, not a
dragon. It would confuse the market."
Coroner's reports say Fitzgerald died instantly of cardiac arrest, but are unclear on whether this was a
result of the vicious attack or the fact that Bob installed successfully on NT.
From Computer Stupidities (http://rinkworks.com/stupid)

Customer: "I stuck something in my printer, and now it doesn't work."

• Tech Support: "What did you put in it?"

• Customer: "It's a tortilla."
• Tech Support: "Uh. How did you come to have a tortilla stuck in your printer?"
• Customer: "I own a tortilla business. I thought it would be cool to print my logo on a tortilla."
I continue to be amazed that there are certain people out there that have access to technology.

From Computer Stupidities (http://rinkworks.com/stupid)

I'm working as a tech support person at a Finnish newspaper printing and publication house, and we
have several reporters that submit their files via a dial-in modem line directly to our layout system.

Once one of the reporters wanted to call the tech support because the modem wasn't answering his
calls, but the call was answered by a computer illiterate.
• Reporter: "It seems that...eh, modem's out again."
• Computer Illiterate: "Oh, just a minute. I'll go look for him."
He proceeded to page the whole company through the central P.A. system.
• Computer Illiterate: "Mr. Modem, Mr. Modem, there's a call for you."
My co-worker intercepts, trying hard to keep a straight face.
• Co-Worker: "Mr. Modem is on vacation. He won't be back till August."
The computer illiterate returns to the phone and tells the reporter that our modem is on vacation till
August.

From Computer Stupidities (http://rinkworks.com/stupid)

A lady struck up a conversation with me on an airplane.

• Her: "And where are you going?"

• Me: "I'm going to San Francisco to a UNIX convention."
• Her: "Eunuchs convention? I didn't know there were that many of you."
From Computer Stupidities (http://rinkworks.com/stupid)
I was giving instructions to a caller once, but his son was the one physically sitting at the
computer, so all my instructions had to be relayed. Here's a snippet of the conversation:

• Me: "Click on 'start', then select 'shut down', then select 'restart in MS-DOS mode'."
• Customer: (to his son) "Ok, press 'start', 'shut up', and 'sit down'!"
The really scary part was what his son said then:
• Customer's Son: "Ok, I'm at the C: prompt!"
Do we really want to know what goes on at that house?

From Computer Stupidities (http://rinkworks.com/stupid)

I once got an especially helpful reply to a question I asked on Microsoft's on-line tech support
service. I wrote back to thank them for a complete and concise reply and said how much I
appreciated it.

The next day I had a response:

We are looking in to the problem and will contact you with a
solution as soon as possible.
The saying goes: if an infinite number of monkeys typed on an infinite number of typewriters,
eventually all the great works of mankind would emerge. Now, with today's high speed
computers, we can finally test this theory...

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Q0hnlj 23&^ (# ljask djf y92y; fy92y; Sd6y ty;q2h nl jk la gfa harvin garvel

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ja9o do8lkjj139rojsd9**!l6*hd # ljasd78 l2awkjad78 3ol7asljf 3 ldif & l.js

Ll ls ewan la8uj 23lll7u 8l 3h hhxx8 8d lsd fixx 891lkjno99sl d8l@@@!!8#8

dfoil jarooda mklaoorj nowai the smisthliylka jkdlfjiw ladajadra lthhheeejfjl

dkddooolda bub mirznod of the koojgaf!! But 2 be or not to be... that is the

question. Then when shall we three meet again In thunder, lightning, or in

rain? When the hurlyburly's done, When the battle's lost and won. That will

be ere the set of sun. Where the place? Upon the heath. There to meet with

Macbeth. But hath forth not to want..... a banana, or to be.... a banana.

Banana, I knew him banana. Banana banana. Banana banana banana banana.

Well... hmm.... it seemed like a good idea...

 • Customer: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
• Tech Support: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
• Customer: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I
go about getting that fixed?"
• Tech Support: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
• Customer: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
• Tech Support: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive
this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have
any trademark on it?"
• Customer: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has
'4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been
using the load drawer of the CDROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.