2001 was the most pressure year for me,the year that I sat for the second most

important examination in ....Malaysia....; SPM. It was also the year that one kind of mental disorder crept silently into my mind and affected my body gradually. Back then, I used to be a target of teasing and bullying by some of my classmates. Maybe because I never fought them back that made them bolder in bullying me. Though I am guy and supposed to put up a fight, or at least defend my rights, I didnt have a gut to do so due to my introvert behavior in nature. Though I felt anguish and sad by their attitude towards me, I dont have any idea how to show it to them. Instead, I kept those feelings deeply in my heart. Then, the pressure became intense when majority of teachers in my school put big expectations on me to excel in SPM. Though I knew it was hard for me to do well academically, I nevertheless strived hard not to put them down. I tried to be a perfectionist person no matter what will happened later. Not long after that, I started to feel the pressure inside my mind is getting stronger and intense, so much that it just going to blow! Literally speaking. At this juncture, I was confused and didnt know with whom I should turn to. Nevertheless, with the help from Allah, I was able to achieve a moderate result s in all Pure Sciences subjects. Though my teachers showed optimistic expressions on their face, I somehow felt the way around. I was so afraid that my dream to become a good student in my class will never become a reality. Besides, I felt insecure and that was the time when my mind kept finding the best thing to do in life which can makes me feel good and perfect. Well, guess what? Its the food! Yes, this is the only thing that I can preoccupy with. Moreover, I am sure this object of preoccupation will never crossed on the mind of anybody else. It has become a turning point that turned me into a new different person. In order to control the insecure feeling inside my mind, I tried to make food as a way to relieve my unhappiness. How? By reducing the foods intake gradually. It seems to me that by doing this stupid endeavor, it will become a major milestone in my life; or in other words, a sign of accomplishment. I tell you, every time I succeeded on controlling my food intake, I felt like a perfect person who can do something that others cant. Its just that I never expected that this dangerous behavior will put an undue stress against my body. That time, I only cared about how to be a perfectionist student and didnt really mind much the state of my bodys health. It was this time that Anorexia Nervosa came into my life. In fact, from the consequences of this mental disease, I am still facing a crisis of identity. Doctors said my level of self-esteem was so low and this factor contributes greatly of me being debilitated with Anorexia. Oh, still in the mid of 2001 year,Back then, I used to play with my closest pal, Matin every evening. I enjoyed playing badminton together with him and his dad. One of the hidden reasons for my active involvement in playing this game is that I want to ensure my body is always in good and perfect shape. But there was this nasty thought that crept in my mind; provoking me into believing that, if I can slim down my body as much as possible, then my accomplishment will be greater and not to mention that I will finally become the so-called perfectionist. I didnt realize that at this stage, I have abused my body for far too much! Oh, what a stupid endeavor!! Back at home, I practiced reducing-food intake-gradually ritual. At the beginning of the year, I still have a complete three times a day meals; breakfast, lunch, and dinner. But day after day, I managed to reduce the amount of food that I consumed. Lets say during lunch hour, if I used to have a bigger portion of meal, then I was able to reduce it into a smaller size.

Then, around July 2001, when the pressure to perform at school has became greater, I resorted to eliminate totally any food that contains fat or protein. These two elements can surely makes me fat, and I was so afraid of being a fat guy! I just wanted to become as thin as possible! I used to think by controlling on what I should consume daily at home or at school, I can compensate the feeling of insecure and vulnerability inside my mind. The ritual then became worse when I only took plain breads for breakfast, lunch and even dinner. As a precautionary measure and to avoid from being detected by my parents about this strange behavior, I always declined their invitation to join them for eating-together session; whether during lunch or dinner. I couldnt help but feel very hungry every time I saw them enjoying their meals, but I somehow just deny it and keep motivating myself that becoming thinner is very important that gave in to my bodys request; which is craving for foods! Nevertheless, I still felt the dissatisfaction and thought that I can do even better. If consuming only carbohydrate-contained foods wasnt harmful enough for my body, I then added a greater amount of stress on my metabolism by reducing the amount of breads that I should consume daily. For an example, during a few months before, I usually ate 5 slices of bread during breakfast, lunch or dinner sessions, but now I only dared to consume only 2 slices of breads. Though I felt a complete pleasure from doing this stupid action, I finally realized that my body cannot sustain the abuse any longer. I can feel the tiredness and it is so easy to become drowsy. But I just denied those feelings and kept pretending that nothing happened. Then, to add more burden on the already strained body, I resorted to do a lot of exercises. Though I didnt have a sufficient amount of energy, I was determined to complete it. Maybe you are wondering how can I still able to do the exercises despite the fact that my body was so weak. Well, there is one theory about this. Although the sufferers body is unable to handle the amount of stresses it has been put through (extreme exercises regime), the urge from mind will somehow manage to persuade the body into completing it no matter what are the consequences.