Control your anger before it controls you.

Anger is a natural emotion that every human and many non-human animals experience. Mild forms of human anger may include displeasure, irritation or dislike. When we react to frustration, criticism or a threat, we may become angry - and usually this is a healthy response. Anger may be a secondary response to feeling sad, lonely or frightened. When anger becomes a full-blown rage our judgment and thinking can become impaired and we are more likely to do and say unreasonable and irrational things. Anger is not just a mental state of mind. It triggers an increase in heart rate, blood pressure and levels of adrenaline and noradrenaline. Anger has survival benefits, and forms part of our fight or flight brain response to a perceived threat or harm. When a human or animal decides to take action to stop or confront a threat, anger usually becomes the predominant feeling and takes over our behavior, cognition and physiology. Experts say anger is a primary, natural emotion with functional survival value, which we all experience from time to time. The raised heart rate, blood pressure, and release of hormones prepare us physically for remedial action - which is either to fight or run away at top speed (fight or flight). The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival. In many cases humans and non-human animals express anger by making loud sounds, baring teeth, staring and specific posturing as a warning to perceived aggressors to stop their threatening behaviors. It is unusual for a physical attack to occur without these signs of anger appearing first. If a stranger approaches some newborn puppy-dogs the mother will most likely growl, bare her teeth and adopt a defensive or ready-to-attack posture, rather than silently attack without any warning. If you trespass into the private land of a farmer in a remote area, his approach may be similar; his voice may be hostile,

as may his body language, and posture. Instinctively, anger may surge in humans and non-human animals to protect territory, offspring and family members, secure mating privileges, prevent loss of possessions or food, and many other perceived threats. On the other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object that irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms, and common sense place limits on how far our anger can take us. People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and calming. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive, not aggressive manner is the healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others. Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop thinking about it, and focus on something positive. The aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inwardon yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression. Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything, and making cynical comments haven't learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't likely to have many successful relationships. Anger management is a procedure of acquiring the skills to recognize signs that you are becoming angry, and taking action to deal with the situation in a positive way. In no way does anger management mean holding the anger in or trying to keep from feeling anger. Anger is a normal human emotion, a healthy one when it is expressed appropriately.

It is possible to learn how to control your frustrations by practicing anger management techniques on your own. However, seeing a mental health counselor or taking an anger management class is generally more effective. Anger management teaches you to recognize frustrations early on and settle them in a way that allows you to express your needs, while remaining calm and in control. Coping with anger is an acquired skill which involves unlearning some of the bad behaviors that result from frustration. Anger management helps you identify what triggers your emotions, and how to respond so that things work in your favor, instead of against you. We all feel angry sometimes and may say or do things we regret. This is a normal part of life, and may not necessarily mean you need anger management help. If your anger is having a detrimental effect on relationships, is making you unhappy, or is leading to violent or dangerous behavior, you probably need help. There are psychological tests that measure the intensity of angry feelings, how prone to anger you are, and how well you handle it. But chances are good that if you do have a problem with anger, you already know it. If you find yourself acting in ways that seem out of control and frightening, you might need help finding better ways to deal with this emotion. According to Jerry Deffenbacher, PhD, a psychologist who specializes in anger management, some people really are more "hotheaded" than others are; they get angry more easily and more intensely than the average person does. There are also those who don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don't always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk, or get physically ill. People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience, or annoyance. They can't take things in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the situation seems somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake.

What makes these people this way? A number of things. One cause may be genetic or physiological: There is evidence that some children are born irritable, touchy, and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early age. Another may be sociocultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we're taught that it's all right to express anxiety, depression, or other emotions but not to express anger. As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or channel it constructively. Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic, and not skilled at emotional communications. There are many popular ways to manage anger: count to 10, take three deep breaths, take time out, leave the situation, ask yourself if anyone will remember this problem in five years, etc. How many times were you angry, and your anger gave you the energy and the motivation to redirect your actions constructively? Some people make positive use of their energy or adrenaline in anger to communicate with the other person or take action to solve the problem. For example, instead of lying awake all night and stewing, one person preferred to get up in the middle of the night to map out a strategy to resolve a problem with a boss. This helped manage his anger. Another person might prefer to "compartmentalize" or leave the problem at work and get a good night's sleep. The first step is to stop, be aware of and acknowledge the feelings that indicate anger. The more aware we are of the early symptoms of disappointment and irritation, the more likely we can take effective steps to solve the problem, decrease our anger and prevent a potentially violent scene. The less aware we are of our anger, the more likely we are to have trouble controlling our anger, which can turn to rage and actions that hurt ourselves or others. Many times we get angry at others who fail to meet our expectations. When this happens, express the anger and unmet expectation in a constructive way that is likely to lead to a resolution. A constructive way is to use an "I" statement, rather than a "you" statement: "You always forget to __________", or "You never pick up your clothes." "You" statements blame. When we are blamed, we usually defend ourselves. "What do

you mean, I never pick up my clothes? I picked them up the day before yesterday!" For example: "When you didn't pick up your clothes yesterday and put them in the hamper I was angry and felt unappreciated and taken advantage of. What I want is to find your clothes in the hamper when I am ready to do the laundry." Have you ever been so angry you couldn't see straight or you felt like taking it out on anyone who happened to be available, like the dog, a spouse or child? These are good times to back off and control your anger. Once we control it, we can channel it into successful problem-solving by beginning with an I-statement. One approach to use is called the STAR-R approach, from the book, Preparing for the Drug (Free) Years: A Family Activity Book. STAR-R stands for stop, think, ask, reduce, and reward. Stop. Notice when you get angry and look for the signs. Is your voice rising, neck tightening, face getting hot, hand shaking, jaw tightening and breath shortening? Do you want to run away? Think. Try to picture the consequences if you lose control. Most of us don't want to hurt our children, spouse, co-workers or others, either physically or emotionally. If you try to picture the consequences both for you and for the person with whom you are angry, it can help you engage your brain before you engage your tongue or fist. Example: "If I lose control, I'll feel worse, be embarrassed, humiliate myself and the other person in front of friends. There might even be a newspaper story with my name in the headlines tomorrow." Ask. Ask yourself what you're really angry about. What do you want? All too often the family member we're angry at is just in the wrong place at the wrong time. We may actually be angry about a decision our boss made, the slow driver who made us late, or ourselves for not handling a situation as well as we should have. (Notice the unmet expectations in each case?) It usually is safer to take our anger out on a spouse or child than on other people. It also is probably easier to yell at our children for not doing their homework than to face

the possibility that we made a mistake or that we don't have enough money to pay the bills. Still, sometimes we need to tell the person by using an effective I-statement. Reduce anger. Often we're so angry that we can't resolve the problem until we cool down. Ask yourself, "What can I do to reduce my anger?" Take a walk or a 20-minute run, a cold shower or bath, listen to relaxing music, do stretching exercises, call a friend, split wood, or sit in the shade and unwind. Reward. Reward yourself by saying positive things or your favorite things. You've controlled your anger and maintained a bond with a family member, friend or other fellow human being. To continue this new behavior, reward yourself, go to lunch, see a movie, buy something special, or spend time with a friend. By controlling anger and thinking about effective solutions, we increase our chances of finding healthy solutions to our problems. Anger is a strong emotion. It can feel overwhelming at times. Learning how to deal with strong emotions without losing control is part of becoming more mature. It takes a little effort, a little practice, and a little patience, but you can get there if you want to. Let us together control our anger before it control us.