Relationships

splitting up
Brussels-Based Blogger emma Beddington and american writer Fernanda Moore met online when they were both in the throes of splitting up from their husbands. as their long-distance friendship developed, they realised two things: first, a divorce buddy is an invaluable asset to survive a split. second, there were lots of surprising things about separation theyd both experienced, but that no-one discussed. Here, they let you in on some of those secrets.

The secret side of

When two strangers started sharing divorce stories online, they realised their been-there-done-that insights could help others cope

WHERE matters more than WHEN Fernanda: If you have children, youll agonise about when to split up. Is there a right time? eventually, youll close your eyes and jump, but when the dust settles, youll realise you forgot something much more important: where you are when the split occurs. If youre sharing custody, youre likely to be tied there until the kids grow up. under my divorce settlement, neither of us can move without losing custody of the kids. I cant be closer to my parents, and Im doomed to run into my ex in our town. so be careful where you split: you could be there for a while. Emma: When we split up, we were living in a foreign country where we knew virtually no-one. Two years on, were still here. Wed never manage to find two jobs and two homes in another place that we both agree on and besides, our children would hate it; this is their home.

You will sleep with your ex Emma: You might not have had sex for months before you split up, but I guarantee that at least once and perhaps more than once youll end up falling into bed, or on to the sofa, together. It probably doesnt mean anything it almost certainly doesnt. But dont assume that that side of your

relationship is over when one of you moves out. Fernanda: We were sitting on the sofa late one night, trying to agree our finances for the millionth time. No wonder we suddenly chucked the whole discussion and started kissing. The next morning, my ex-husband appeared bearing coffee. oops, he said, good-naturedly, which made things marginally less awkward.

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The scariest things arent the hardest Emma: relationships are full of things you believe you cant do: finding a mortgage, speaking to builders, booking holidays. These tasks take on the arcane quality of black magic; the longer you go without doing them, the more superstitiously you dread them. For me, it was driving. I hated it and left everything motor-related to my ex. even so, the summer after we split, I managed 800 miles solo in a borrowed car the size of a lorry. driving still isnt my idea of fun, but it holds no fear now. I was floored, however, when my nine-year-old started complaining of a severe stomach ache. Was it appendicitis or just a bug? Was I over-reacting or under-reacting? Without another adult as a sounding board, I was lost, even though I had always been the one to administer the Calpol and calamine in our family. Fernanda: anything involving money terrified me. My ex handled our finances. When we split, I was shocked to realise how dependent I had allowed myself to become. Near tears, I went to the bank, where a kind employee taught me to manage everything online. Back home, I gritted my teeth and made a series of decreasingly scary phone calls to insurance and pension companies. It only took a week to banish a lifetime of terror and avoidance. Despite your darkest fears, your children might be happier Emma: a failing marriage puts huge strain on everyone. our split was painful and unexpected for our children. Now, though, its simply fact. In the context of their short lives, weve been separated almost as long as they remember us together. Plus, I think theyve gained something precious: a far closer relationship with their father. Fernanda: Theres been one totally unexpected benefit for my children: they love my exs girlfriend; they love her dog, too. They love my boyfriend, and they love his daughters. The divorce didnt shrink their world. It expanded it.
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The partner who has been left might be first to recover Fernanda: Not long after our separation, I thought Id never regain simple happiness. Youd think that having instigated the split, Id feel relieved, but I floundered. Was I allowed to recover when I was the one responsible? Had I made a mistake? Meanwhile, my ex bottomed out and resurfaced quicker than I could have imagined. He dated, he travelled, he blossomed without me because, of course, hed been unhappy in the marriage, too. My leaving was a load off his mind and a load on mine. Emma: I felt I owed it to those Id hurt to be happy, to make the separation worth it, but I also found myself blindsided by loneliness, guilt and regret. My ex struggled, but he made huge efforts to do new things: he volunteered for a mental-health helpline, took up climbing, rekindled old friendships. He faced the future with energy and determination, while I sat at home, miserably self-flagellating. However bad it was, at times youll regret leaving Emma: I have an acquaintance whose ex-husband spent thousands on prostitutes, racking up vast debts. When she confronted him, he got abusive. Yet even she says she sometimes wishes they hadnt divorced. Imagine how much stronger this feeling would be if things werent terrible, just not right? Many times I wanted to call the split off and spend a boring night watching TV with this man whom I still, despite everything, really like. Fernanda: People were appalled to hear I left my husband. What, you think youll find something BeTTer? one friend snapped. sometimes, I found myself agreeing. I was poor, lonely, unsure of the future. What was I thinking? Well, I was thinking that temporary upheaval is better than a lifetime of quiet desperation. and it was better to be honest than stay in a stale marriage. of course, a happy marriage is better than divorce; but the marriage I was leaving hadnt been happy for ages.

photographs getty images

Solace comes from unexpected places. Emma: I met my ex at 19 and we split when I was 34. so while I was in the throes of separating, my friends were settling down and having babies. They were supportive, but my experiences were light years away from theirs. so when I read something Fernanda had written about divorce I was blown away. I felt she was expressing, with forensic precision, what I was struggling to articulate. I sent her a gushing email, and we began to correspond. our friendship has been a lifesaver. Fernandas black humour always takes the edge off my darkest despair, and she has a couple of years head start on me in the separation stakes. I dont know how Id have coped without her. Fernanda: I hadnt realised how married our social circle was until we, suddenly, werent. a divorced person quickly gets culled. Just when I needed them most, lots of my friends evaporated. some were steadfast: an elderly relative whose kindness made me weep, the friends who stayed loyal both to my ex and to me. But forging a new friendship is the best thing thats happened. an ocean separates us weve still never met but emma brings me joy every time we talk or email, and we gain strength by propping each other up. e