October 14, 2011 Volume 4, Issue 7 pittifulnews.

com the most loyal and best dressed newspaper of the university of pittsburgh. Es tab l i s hed a ft er t h e fir st fu l l mo o n o f Ap r il 1 8 1 6

Fallen Leaves Talk Back About Seasonal Harassment

LYDIA KEENER staff writer PITTSBURGH, PA Every year as fall creeps around the corner like a pedophile at Sunday school, the temperature drops, the days shorten, and Pittsburgh students and professors alike enjoy the satisfying crunch of freshly fallen leaves under their boots. But, as one reporter discovered, the leaves do not think it equally satisfying. Every year millions of innocent fallen leaves meet their death due to the careless footsteps of the Pittsburgh residents. Frankly, its just rude, said one Maple leaf to reporters last Tuesday evening. I dont come into your house and step on your family. I mean, shit, I dont even have fucking feet. How is that fair? The outrage of the leaves is felt throughout the entire foliage community of Oakland. Mass candlelight vigils are being held nightly to offer support to the leaves who have lost loved ones to the attacks. Said one Elm leaf, Its just sad, man. Thats all it is. I mean, what did we do to deserve this? We just sit here, minding our own business, and then just like that, entire families are gone. Support groups have begun to form on street corners and lawns to protest the unjust treatment that they face every autumn. The most recent rally was held last Thursday at the corner of Forbes Avenue and Bouquet Street. Leading the crowd, a Sycamore leaf had this to say: CONTINUED ON PAGE 2

A pessimists blood type is always B negative

ALEX SEMIDEI Senior Pun Correspondent

PBK Email Goes Awry, Students Clog the Tubes With Pointless Digital Argument
RACHEL HARRIS staff writer On Monday evening, an innocent email from the Phi Beta Kappa listserv sparked an avalanche of spam that flooded inboxes of disinterested students all day Wednesday. The email, intended to boost numbers of involved students, invited students to attend information sessions later in the week, CONTINUED ON PAGE 3

IN THIS ISSUE page 2 overlooked sexy costume ideas mindy filandilokus for HCQ page 3 PBK please unsubscribe page 4 words to impress the ladies PBK article continues

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the pittiful news

october 14, 2011

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 We, as a community, must stand up against this violence. The genocide that we are faced with each fall is brought upon us unjustly and needs to be stopped. His rally was cut short by three year old Olivia Snyder who was skipping home from Panera with her mother, Karen, when she crushed the speaker and several members of his party. Ms. Snyder was unavailable for comment and is wanted for questioning. As more and more fall victim to the unfeeling boots of the Pittsburgh population, fearful leaves are enlisting the help of pinecones and those spiky things that fall from trees as protection against the assaults. However, theyre efforts are to no avail. The pinecones are proving to be an ineffective defense mechanism, says the Secretary of Defense Oak leaf. It seems people actually enjoy stepping on leaves more when there are pinecones in close proximity. There is no mercy. Its barbaric. The outlook seems bleak for the fallen leaves of Oakland. Says the Oak leaf, At this point, all we can do it pray the rain comes and makes us wet and squishy, a prayer that is sure to be echoed throughout the city.

Commonly Overlooked Sexy Costume Ideas

KELSEY HENKE Editor-in-Chief

Sexy auditor Sexy mud puddle Sexy embryo Sexy telemarketer Sexy can of tuna Sexy rubber band Sexy thorn bush Sexy Razr Sexy microwave Sexy laundry basket Sexy sanitation worker Sexy mouse pad Sexy carpet square Sexy chain link fence Sexy webkin Sexy envelope Sexy sundial Sexy herpes sore Sexy sumo wrestler Sexy flashlight Sexy trash bin Sexy Susan Boyle Nothing says Come get me boys quite like a 3 foot leprechaun face

I M VO T ING F OR T H E TAL L
RE DHE AD W IT H A L AZ Y E YE .
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the pittiful news

october 14, 2011

Phi Beta Kappa welcomes potential members with 100+ angry response emails

Phi Beta Kappa Spam Email Scandal

COTINUED FROM PAGE 1 while touting themselves as a highly respectable and prestigious national organization. No one suspected that this seemingly innocent dispersal of information would soon take a turn for the worst. Students initially began to express their discontent at 8:00 AM sharp Wednesday morning, when the first requests for email list removal trickled in. At 9:15, a timely email from one of the groups administrators providing a link to unsubscribe was blatantly ignored. By midmorning, nearly thirty disgruntled coeds had requested removal from the list to everyone on it. Students, not realizing what was happening, began demanding for the emails to stop, while simultaneously making the matter worse. The first gauntlets were thrown when students publicly complained about everyone hitting Reply All, to unsubscribe, an assumption that proved fatal and more obviously incorrect as the day wore on.

In actuality, those who hit Reply to the distribution email sent their messages to the entire list, despite their best efforts to stop the monsoon of digital text. Cantankerous and misinformed students called each other names, deleted emails en masse and marked each other as spam. Tension came to a head when PBKs pretentious email signatures were attacked for being, well, pretentious. Meanwhile, the emails and insults continued to

pour in. By lunchtime, most unsuspecting subscribers had received over 70 emails with no end in sight. On Facebook, students were both ranting about their displeasure and making light of the situation, posting hilarious memes and quoting the more outrageous material. OMG UNSUBSCRIBE ME I HATE EVERYONE THIS SUCKS, CONTINUED ONCE AGAIN.

Even in our modern age, woman-iguana and man-iguana relations are still considered taboo.

the pittiful news

october 14, 2011

W O R D S TO I M P R E S S T H E L A D I E S

Are those space pants? Because youre a** is out of this world.
ALEX SEMIDEI Permanently banned from eHarmony

PBK Spam Inescapable

CONTINUED FROM PAGE
AND PAGE

was frequently seen posted as a status or comment. Arent these guys all supposed to have, like, 3.8s? said a bewildered engineering student. It makes no sense that they would have no clue as to how emailing lists work. Throughout campus, similar expressions of confusion and hatred were uttered. Isabella Cromwell, a junior English major, was one of the more severely affected, having an overflowing email quota. It's ironic, isn't it, how many people who might get into PBK can't even figure out how to unsubscribe an email, she said. Those guys are absolute morons who should not be allowed to use the listserv. Fuckers, said Will Jacobs, a frustrated computer science major who could not fathom the incompetence of PBKs leadership. I already punched a hole in my monitor today, and I might do it twice. After several hours of frustration and hardship, the situation appears to have defused. One can only conclude from this incident that there is no existing correlation between intelligence and GPA. Were you spammed beyond all recognition? Grievances can be claimed by contacting the author at rdh30@pitt.edu. I probably cant actually help you, but Ill listen sympathetically anyway.

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CONTRIBUTING STAFF Kelsey Henke Alex Semidei Rachel Harris Lydia Keener Mindy Filandilokus Editor-In-Chief Senior Contributor Staff Writer Staff Writer Staff Writer

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