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Techie Jokes

1. A Friend In need Is A Friend Indeed. Sunday 30th, January 2011 Share jokes Print Forward I have four friends but i like one very much. He comes to my house and plays with me. My mom also likes him very much. A Friend In need Is A Friend Indeed. but when he saw the paper the first question was WRITE AN ESSAY ON " MY FATHER" .. his friend told him just replace the words friend with father and write every thing as it is SO HE WROTE :I have four father but i like one very much. He comes to my house and plays with me. My mom also likes him very much. A Father In need Is A Father Indeed. 2. Top ten lines from internet chat rooms Friday 28th, January 2011 Share jokes Print Forward 1 You're different... I've never felt like this about someone I've never met before. 2 I'm new online and haven't had time to create a profile... but tell me more about yourself. 3 I never do Cybersex! Yet here in this room alone with you, well, I'm getting excited. 4 I'm 5'4, blonde hair, blue eyes and everyone loves my body! 5 I'm 6'0, great tan, and buffed from working out. 6 Yes of course I'm female... 7 I'm in this private room consoling a depressed friend. 8 No this is my only screen name... You mean you can have more then one? 9 I'm not like most of the guy's/gal's here, I want to meet so we can just have coffee and get to know each other. (at the hotel coffee shop)

10 I don't care what you look like, it's what's on the inside that counts (Which is true, it means: I'm horny and could care less, just type)

3. A conversation about the process of selecting a software bridegroom.


Tuesday 07th, December 2010 Vidhya: hey! what is the matter you have called up all of a sudden? Nithya : do u remember that my parents gave my horoscope, to search for a suitable match, to many people? So many horoscopes of the groom has come.. in that 4-5 seems to match.. I don't know which one to select, I am confused because of it. Vidhya: what is the confusion about? Nithya: horoscopes of many software engineers have come. That's why I don't know whom I must select among this. You are a software engineer na pls give me some suggestion . vidhya: not a problem at all. So tell me the position that each one holds.

nithya: first is a manager. vidhya: manager?? Then he will showcast himself that he is busy always. But he will not do anything properly. He will get u 1 kg of rice and ask you to prepare for the whole area say a village. He will get you mutton and ask you to prepare chicken 65. Even if you protest telling you can't make it, he'll not accept. He will tell you to work hard day and night to prepare it. He will also tell he'll provide you with the night cab. Even if you ask how can I prepare chicken 65 out of it by sitting day and night he will not accept. nithya: ohh..so dangerous he is!! Then I must escape. Next is a test engineer.

vidhya: he is more dangerous than the other person. Whatever you do he will correctly tell only the fault in it. Even if you try to surprise him with 10 variety of food, he will tell the item which does not have salt in it. If you ask him "will you not at least tell that it is good", he will reply back saying it is your duty to make it good so why must I tell that. He is sooo good ... Nithya: then a NO to him also. Next is the performance test engineer. vidhya: he is another specimen.. even if everything is good, he will ask why did it take this much time. If you take 10 minutes to make a coffee, he will question you asking why you have taken 10 min for a coffee which can be done within 5 min. Even if you say that he is talking about the instant coffee while you have made the filter coffee, he will not accept. The same will be with all the work you do. You must not think about this person if you want to do make up in your life !!! Nithya: then! you mean to say that we should not marry software guys?? Vidhya: who said like that?? In software there is one more group. They are called the developers group. How much ever you hit them they will bear. Nithya: then tell about them. Vidhya: you don't have to do anything. They will do everything themselves. If we sit back and just boost them it is enough. But the problem with them is- they will say "I know it" whatever you ask them. Even that is ok. They will bear how much ever you hit them but the condition is you must keep saying "you are too good" after hitting them every time. Nithya: this is superb. Then we must search for this kind of a groom.... 4. Conversation between a Software Engineer and his wife Tuesday 14th, December 2010 Husband - hey dear, I am logged in. Wife - would you like to have some snacks?

Husband - hard disk full. Wife - have you brought the saree. Husband - Bad command or file name. Wife - but I told you about it in morning Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel. Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary. Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time. Wife - at least give me your credit card, i can do some shopping. Husband - sharing violation, access denied. Wife - i made a mistake in marrying you. Husband - data type mismatch. Wife - you are useless. Husband - by default. Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning? Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot. Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist? Husband - the only user with write permission. Wife - what is my value in your life? Husband - unknown virus detected. Wife - do you love me or your computer? Husband - Too many parameters. Wife - i will go to my dads house. Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close. Wife - I will leave you forever. Husband - close all programs and log out for another User. Wife - it is worthless talking to you. Husband - shut down the computer.

Wife - I am going Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer 5. The world is gonna end in one week.. By Najiya Farooq Tuesday 14th, December 2010 God was fed up. In a crash of thunder he/she yanked up to Heaven three influential humans: Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates. "The human race is a complete disappointment," God boomed. "You each have one week to prepare your followers for the end of the world." With another crash of thunder they found themselves back on Earth. Clinton immediately called his cabinet. "I have good news and bad news," he announced grimly. "The good news is that there is a god. The bad news is, God's really mad and plans to end the world in a week." Yeltsin in Russia announced to Parliament: "Comrades, I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong; there is a god after all. The worse news is God's mad and is going to end the world in a week." Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers. "I have good news and better news. The good news is that God considers me one of the three most influential men on Earth," he beamed. "The better news is we don't have to fix Windows 95." 6. A new project. By Meet Sharma Tuesday 14th, December 2010 Programmer to Team Leader: "We can't do this proposed project. **CAN NOT**. It will involve a major design change and no one in our team knows the design of this legacy system. And above that, nobody in our company knows the language in which this application has been written. So even if somebody wants to work on it, they can't. If you ask my personal opinion, the company should never take this type of project." Team Leader to Project Manager: "This project will involve a design change. Currently, we don't have any staff who has experience in this type of work. Also, the language is unfamiliar to us, so we will have to arrange for some training if we take this project. In my personal opinion, we are not ready to take on a project of this nature." Project Manager to Director: "This project involves a design change in the system and we don't have much experience in that area. Also, not many people in our company are appropriately trained for it. In my personal opinion, we might be able to do the project but we would need more time than usual to complete it."

Director to Vice President: "This project involves design re-engineering. We have some people who have worked in this area and others who know the implementation language. So they can train other people. In my personal opinion we should take this project, but with caution." Vice President to CEO: "This project will demonstrate to the industry our capabilities in remodeling the design of a complete legacy system. We have all the necessary skills and people to execute this project successfully. Some people have already given in-house training in this area to other staff members. In my personal opinion, we should not let this project slip by us under any circumstances." CEO to Client: "This is the type of project in which our company specializes. We have executed many projects of the same nature for many large clients. Trust me when I say that we are the most competent firm in the industry for doing this kind of work. It is my personal opinion that we can execute this project successfully and well within the given time frame." 7. A conversation about the process of selecting a software bridegroom. Tuesday 07th, December 2010 Enjoy reading....

Vidhya: hey! what is the matter you have called up all of a sudden? Nithya : do u remember that my parents gave my horoscope, to search for a suitable match, to many people? So many horoscopes of the groom has come.. in that 4-5 seems to match.. I don't know which one to select, I am confused because of it. Vidhya: what is the confusion about? Nithya: horoscopes of many software engineers have come. That's why I don't know whom I must select among this. You are a software engineer na pls give me some suggestion . vidhya: not a problem at all. So tell me the position that each one holds.

nithya: first is a manager.

vidhya: manager?? Then he will showcast himself that he is busy always. But he will not do anything properly. He will get u 1 kg of rice and ask you to prepare for the whole area say a village. He will get you mutton and ask you to prepare chicken 65. Even if you protest telling you can't make it, he'll not accept. He will tell you to work hard day and night to prepare it. He will also tell he'll provide you with the night cab. Even if you ask how can I prepare chicken 65 out of it by sitting day and night he will not accept. nithya: ohh..so dangerous he is!! Then I must escape. Next is a test engineer. vidhya: he is more dangerous than the other person. Whatever you do he will correctly tell only the fault in it. Even if you try to surprise him with 10 variety of food, he will tell the item which does not have salt in it. If you ask him "will you not at least tell that it is good", he will reply back saying it is your duty to make it good so why must I tell that. He is sooo good ... Nithya: then a NO to him also. Next is the performance test engineer. vidhya: he is another specimen.. even if everything is good, he will ask why did it take this much time. If you take 10 minutes to make a coffee, he will question you asking why you have taken 10 min for a coffee which can be done within 5 min. Even if you say that he is talking about the instant coffee while you have made the filter coffee, he will not accept. The same will be with all the work you do. You must not think about this person if you want to do make up in your life !!! Nithya: then! you mean to say that we should not marry software guys?? Vidhya: who said like that?? In software there is one more group. They are called the developers group. How much ever you hit them they will bear. Nithya: then tell about them. Vidhya: you don't have to do anything. They will do everything

themselves. If we sit back and just boost them it is enough. But the problem with them is- they will say "I know it" whatever you ask them. Even that is ok. They will bear how much ever you hit them but the condition is you must keep saying "you are too good" after hitting them every time. Nithya: this is superb. Then we must search for this kind of a groom.... 8. Stupidity.. Sunday 28th, November 2010 Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Desktop." Customer: "Ok." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'." 9. Hi-tech watch !!! By Pooja Rastogi Tuesday 23rd, November 2010 A man is at Grand Central Station waiting for his train that leaves at 6 p.m., but he has forgotten his watch. So he looks for someone to ask the time. He spots a guy carrying two suitcases and sporting this fabulous hi-tech watch, so he asks him for the time. The guy replies "Sure, which country?" The fella asks, "How many countries have you got?" to which the man replies, "All the countries in the world!" "Wow! That's a pretty cool watch you've got there." "That's nothing," the man says. "This watch also has a GPS facility, fax, e-mail and can even receive NTSC television channels and display them on its miniature active color pixel LCD screen!"

"Boy, that's incredible. I wish I had a watch like that one. You wouldn't consider selling it by any chance?" "Well, actually the novelty has worn off for me, so for $900, if you want it, it's yours." The watchless traveler can hardly whip out his check book fast enough to hand over a check for $900. The seller takes off the watch and gives it to him. "Congratulations, here is you new hitech watch." Then, handing the two suitcases over as well, he says, "And here are the batteries." 10. Software Enigneer's place !! By Gitali Roy Monday 22nd, November 2010 A Priest, a Doctor and a Software Engineer die and go the heavens gate, they hear gods voice and it says " My sons I am really very sorry but the heaven is full and I can accommodate only one of u. so to choose the rightful person one by one tell me what u have done in ur lifetime." The priest goes up first and says" well god I am a priest I am ur humble servant and have spent all my life working to spread ur message." The doctor goes up next and says " well I am a doctor and I have helped thousands of people recover from there illnesses and saved countless lives." The Software Engineer goes up and says " well I have spend my full life to Develop,Design,Test the software " AND before the Software Engineer could say any further the heavens gate open and god comes out and says to the Software Engineer & Say "no more son" come with me coz u have already been through hell." Moral of the story: Software Engineer always land up in heaven cause their mortal life is hell. 11. Software Enigneer's place !! By Gitali Roy Monday 22nd, November 2010 A Priest, a Doctor and a Software Engineer die and go the heavens gate, they hear gods voice and it says " My sons I am really very sorry but the heaven is full and I can accommodate only one of u. so to choose the rightful person one by one tell me what u have done in ur lifetime."

The priest goes up first and says" well god I am a priest I am ur humble servant and have spent all my life working to spread ur message." The doctor goes up next and says " well I am a doctor and I have helped thousands of people recover from there illnesses and saved countless lives." The Software Engineer goes up and says " well I have spend my full life to Develop,Design,Test the software " AND before the Software Engineer could say any further the heavens gate open and god comes out and says to the Software Engineer & Say "no more son" come with me coz u have already been through hell." Moral of the story: Software Engineer always land up in heaven cause their mortal life is hell. 12. Advance Science !! By Gunita Bhatt Monday 22nd, November 2010 The teacher asked, " Can you give me a good example of how heat expands things and cold contracts them?" "Well," one alert pupil answered, "the days are much longer in summer.'' 13. Toung twister - Compiler Monday 22nd, November 2010 "A compiler's primary function is to compile, organize the compilation, and go right back to compiling. It compiles basically only those things that require to be compiled, ignoring things that should not be compiled. The main way a compiler compiles, is to compile the things to be compiled until the compilation is complete." Toung 14. Ad Space !! By Pragya Kaul Monday 22nd, November 2010 Microsoft to sell Ad space in error messages Microsoft announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression. "We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a "general protection fault" or "Illegal operation" warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director.

The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages. 15. Technology dependency !! Must read... By Akriti Ganguly Sunday 21st, November 2010 The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking." 16. I invited a friend home for dinner By Sagika S Wednesday 19th, January 2011 Husband: Honey, I invited a friend home for dinner. Wife: What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty, and I can't cook meal. Funny Husband: I know all that. Wife: Then why did you invite the friend? Funny Husband: Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married. 17. My system crashed !!! By Mirdulata Sen Wednesday 17th, November 2010 Customer: My computer crashed! Tech Support: It crashed? Customer: Yeah, it wont let me play my game. Tech Support: Alright, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot. Customer: No, it didnt crash it crashed. Tech Support: Huh? Customer: I crashed my game. Thats what I said before. Now it doesnt work. Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.

Tech Support: Click on File, then New Game. Customer: [pause] Wow! Howd you learn how to do that?" 18. Technology dependency !! Must read... By Akriti Ganguly Sunday 21st, November 2010 The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking." 19. Solution found for FB addiction Monday 15th, November 2010 My Parents Say I Spend To Much Time On Facebook And Should Go Outside . . . . .... . . . . Thank God For Laptops And Wifi. :D 20. Dad on facebook ! By Deepsneha Talwar Thursday 11th, November 2010 A Man Joind FACEBOOK His Son Wrote On His Wall "W T F Dad" ... Man Rplied: Wht8 d

Hell , U've No Respect 4 Me ? Kid Rplied: Dad Chill It Means 21. Nuclear Engineer !!! By Thazeen Khan Monday 08th, November 2010 How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. 22. Engineer's logic !! By Pragya Kaul Monday 08th, November 2010 A mathmatician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume. The mathmatician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral. The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement. The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table. 23. Real Story By Aakashi Mishra Sunday 07th, November 2010 Computers manufacturer is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. 24. cup holder??? By Pooja Rastogi Sunday 07th, November 2010 Caller: Hello, is this the Help Line? HelpLine: Yes, it is. How may I help you? Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed? HelpLine: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder? Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer. HelpLine: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it? Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has

'4X' on it. At this point the HelpLine operator realized that the caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive. 25. Computer experiment By tanya sharma Sunday 07th, November 2010 A first-grade teacher was overseeing her students as they experimented with their desk computers. One boy sat staring at the screen, unsure how to get the computer going. The teacher walked over and read what was on his screen. In her most reassuring voice, she said, "The computer wants to know what your name is," then she walked over to the next child. The boy leaned toward the screen and whispered, "My name is David." 26. Research !! By Ekta Kapadia Thursday 04th, November 2010 After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on the American Male's recreational preferences: 1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling. 3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis. 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf. Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. 27. Bill Gates died and went to Heaven By Deepika Tripathi Wednesday 20th, October 2010 Bill Gates died and went to Heaven. Saint Peter showed him to his house, a small cottage on a tiny plot in the woods. The closets were full of simple but servicable clothing, and the kitchen was stocked with the basic needs. Bill slowly settled into a modest and quiet life in heaven.

One day, Bill was walking in one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit. "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?" "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful lake. I have a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, tennis courts and three Rolls Royces." "Were you the Pope, or a doctor who healed the sick?" asked Gates. "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic." Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter. Cornering St. Peter, Bill told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better?" "Yes, we use Windows here in heaven," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once." 28. Computer Gender By Deepika Tripathi Wednesday 20th, October 2010 Why computers should be considered masculine: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model. Why computers should be feminine: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. 29. Wordperfect Customer Support By Deepika Tripathi Wednesday 20th, October 2010 Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support Employee (CSE) Customer Support Employee (CSE): May I help you? Customer: Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect. CSE: What sort of trouble? Customer: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away. CSE: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now? Customer: Nothing. CSE: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out? Customer: How do I tell? CSE: Can you see the C: prompt on the screen? Customer: What's a sea-prompt? CSE: Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen? Customer: There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type. CSE: Does your monitor have a power indicator? Customer: What's a monitor? CSE: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on? Customer: I don't know. CSE: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into

it. Can you see that? Customer: Yes, I think so. CSE: Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. Customer: I can't. It's dark out here. CSE: Dark? Customer: There's a power outage. CSE: A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in with? Customer: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet. CSE: Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from. Customer: Really? Is it that bad? CSE: Yes, I'm afraid it is. Customer: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them? CSE: Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer. 30. IT husband By Akriti Ganguly Tuesday 19th, October 2010 Starting the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to be a software engineer. Husband: (Returning late from work) Good Evening Dear, Im now logged in. Wife: Have you brought the grocery? Husband: Bad command or file name. Wife: But I told you in the morning Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort? Wife: What about my new TV?

Husband: Variable not found Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping. Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny? Husband: Too many parameters Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you. Husband: Data type mismatch. Wife: You are useless. Husband: Its by Default. Wife: What about your Salary? Husband: File in use Try after some time. Wife: What is my value in the family. Husband: Unknown Virus. 31. GRE Student vs Normal Person -3 By Akriti Ganguly Tuesday 12th, October 2010 NORMAL PERSON : A rolling stone gathers no moss GRE STUDENT : A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no congeries of small, green, biophytic plant. NORMAL PERSON : Birds of a feather flock together GRE STUDENT: Members of an avian species of identical plumage tend to congregate. NORMAL PERSON : Beauty is only skin deep GRE STUDENT : Pulchritude posses 32. Too high! Tuesday 12th, October 2010

This guy who stutters badly, walks into a Bar, and says, "Ssay! Bbbartender, gggimme a bbbeer". The Bartender, who is badly Humpbacked, serves him a beer and says, "That will be Rs 200 please!" The Guy thinks that's pretty high priced and says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!" The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price, that's what we get!". The guy pays him and drinks it down. He then says, "Sssay! Bbbartender, gggimme a wwhiskey ppplease!" The Bartender serves him a shot of whiskey and says, "That will be Rs 300 please!". The guy says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!" The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price, that's what we get!". The guy pays him, drinks his whiskey and, before leaving he says, "Bbbartender tthanks for nnot mmmaking fffun of my ssstuttering wwwhile I wwas in hhhere!" The Bartender replied, "Oh that's OK! I want to thank you for not making fun of my Humpback while you were in here." The Guy says, "Oh ttthat's OK, eeverything else in tthis ppplace wwas so hhhigh, I ttthougt it wwas yyour Bbbutt!" 33. Irresistible Model Thursday 04th, February 2010 The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her. She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said. "I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore. "Really?" she said, softening, "How many models have there been?" "Four," he replied, "A jug, two apples, and a vase." 34. Email Heights By Smruthi rani Friday 08th, January 2010

HEIGHT OF REPETITION: Forwarding an email to someone and receiving the same email forwarded back to you by someone in the receiving chain. HEIGHT OF ISOLATION: Two persons sitting side by side using emails to communicate with each other. HEIGHT OF COWARDICE: Two persons fighting through emails. HEIGHT OF HELPLESSNESS: Receiving no emails for a week. HEIGHT OF FRUSTRATION: The email server being down. HEIGHT OF CARELESSNESS: Writing an intimate email and doing a 'Reply All.' HEIGHT OF ACHIEVEMENT: A person sending email to a girl wanting to become friends and getting a reply. HEIGHT OF TIMEPASS: A person sending email to himself. 35. HRD Notice of a company to employees By Siddu S Hosageri Thursday 17th, September 2009 Dear STAFF, Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm. 1) TRANSPORTATION: It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary. a) If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. b) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise. c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. 2) ANNUAL LEAVE : Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year ( Wow! said 1 employee).

- They are called SATURDAYs AND SUNDAYs. 3) LUNCH BREAK: a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. c) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. 4) SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Cert as proof of sickness. - If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. 5) SURGERY : As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. - You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. - To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. 6) INTERNET USAGE : All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary. - Important Note: Charges applicable as Rs.20 per minute as we have 10MB connection. Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and

input should be directed somewhere else. Best Regards, HRD 36. Bug the life out of irritating callers By Pavitra Palguni Thursday 03rd, September 2009 Ten ways to stop those credit card sales, mobile companies, insurance calls from irritating you:

1 After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry you.

2 Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her, if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.

3 Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

4 Tell them it is dinnertime, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

5 Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the phone to your five year old child.

6 Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up.... Louder... Louder... Louder!

7 If they start out with, "How are you today?", say "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems.... ........."

8 Tell them to speak very slowly because you want to write every word down.

9 Cry out in surprise, "Helen, is that you? I've been hoping you'd call! How is the family?" When they insist they are not Helen, tell them to stop joking. This works especially well if the telemarketer is really MALE.

10 Tell the ICICI call centre guy to call on your office number - and give him the HSBC call centre number. 37. Politically Correct Jokes By Milan Kanti Paul Friday 19th, June 2009 The prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him after the attack on the Pentagon: "I'm sorry to hear about the attack.It is a very big tragedy. But in case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies of everything." ============ ========= ========= ========= ===== Musharraf calls Bush on 11th sept: Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great bldgs... I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with that.. Bush: What buildings? What people?? Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?

Bush: It's eight in the morning. Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour! ============ ========= ========= ========= ==== Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?" The barman says "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?" Bush says, "We're planning world war 3" The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman." And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!! !" Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you no-one would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!" ============ ========= ========= ========= ===== Pakistani on the moon: Q: What do you call 1 Pakistani on the moon?

A: Problem... Q: What do you call 10 Pakistanis on the moon? A: Problem... Q: What do you call a 100 Pakistanis on the moon? A: Problem... Q: What do you call ALL the Pakistanis on the moon? A: ...... Problem Solved!!! ============ ========= ========= ========= ===== A man is! taking a walk in Central park in New York . Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl". The man says: "But I am not a New Yorker!" Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning:

"Brave American saves life of little girl" the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" - says the man. Oh, what are you then?" The man says: "I am a Pakistani!" The next day the newspapers say: "Extremist kills innocent American dog" 38. Nice puzzle - try to crack it ..... Thursday 18th, June 2009 Nice puzzle - try to crack it ..... Once there was a bus conductor, who was very rude to his passengers. One day a beautiful young girl, of around 18 years, tried to board the bus, but he didn't stop the bus. Unfortunately the beautiful young girl came under the bus and died on the spot. Angry passengers took the conductor to the police station, who in turn took him to the court. The judge was not at all impressed with him and gave him capital punishment. He was taken to the electrocution chamber. There was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. The conductor was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. But to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession. After a few months, this time, a good lo! oking middle aged woman tried to board the bus but the conductor didn't stop the bus. Unfortunately, this time also, the good looking middle aged woman came under the bus and died on the spot. Again angry passengers took him to the police station, who in turn took him to the court. The judge took one look at the conductor and gave him capital punishment. The Bus conductor was taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. This time also to everyone's amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him free, and he returned to his profession. A couple of months later, an elderly gentleman tried to board the bus. This time the Bus conductor, remembering his earlier experiences, stopped the b! us. Unfortunately the elderly gentleman slipped and died due to his injuries. The conductor was taken to the police station and then to the court, to the same judge. Though he hadn't done anything

wrong, but considering his past record the judge decided to set an example and gave him capital punishment. The Bus conductor was again taken to the same electrocution chamber where there was a single chair in the center of the room and a single banana peel at one corner of the room. He was strapped to the chair and high voltage current was given to him. This time he died instantly !!!!!!!!!!! The question is why didn't he die on the first two occasions, but died instantly the third time?? Try to solve it yourselves. This is rather interesting and answer is perfectly logical. If necessary read the puzzle once again. ! Still you couldn't, Then see below.........

think hard

common yaar.............

tired....

wanna know the answer????

ok........ there is the Answer............

During the first two times, the conductor was a Bad Conductor, therefore electricity didn't pass through him. But during the third time, he was a good conductor, so electricity passed through him freely and he died!!!!!!!! Ha Ha Ha ha 39. software engineer and his wife ! By Anindya Chowdhury Monday 15th, June 2009 Husband - hey dear, I am logged in. Wife - would you like to have some snacks? Husband - hard disk full. Wife - have you brought the saree. Husband - Bad command or file name. Wife - but I told you about it in morning Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel. Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary. Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time. Wife - at least give me your credit card, i can do some shopping. Husband - sharing violation, access denied. Wife - i made a mistake in marrying you. Husband - data type mismatch. Wife - you are useless. Husband - by default. Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning? Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.

Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist? Husband - the only user with write permission. Wife - what is my value in your life? Husband - unknown virus detected. Wife - do you love me or your computer? Husband - Too many parameters.. Wife - i will go to my dad's house. Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close. Wife - I will leave you forever. Husband - close all programs and log out for another User. Wife - it is worthless talking to you. Husband - shut down the computer. Wife - I am going Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer 40. Girlfriend 6.0 vs. Wife 1.0-Comparative Trial By Raghav s Thursday 28th, May 2009 Last year a friend of mine upgraded from GirlFriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources available for other applications. He is now noticing that Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). During installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also,

system performance seems to diminish with each passing day. Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0. 1. a "Don't remind me again" button 2. a Minimize button 3. An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at any time without the loss of cache and other system resources 4. An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the system's hardware probe feature to be much more useful. I myself decided to avoid the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 7.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 7.0 on top of Girlfriend 6.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 6.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug that I should have known about. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conficts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 6.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing -- all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0. 41. Computer communication!! By Raghav s Thursday 28th, May 2009 What does a baby computer call his father? Data. What is a computer`s first sign of old age? Loss of memory. What happened when the computer fell on the floor? It slipped a disk. Why was there a bug in the computer? It was looking for a byte to eat. What is a computer virus? A terminal illness. To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a computer. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord 42. Secure An Important Client By karan Dahia Thursday 14th, May 2009 As salesman was assigned to secure an important client but failed in his mission. He faxed his secretary and asked her to break the news indirectly to his boss. His note read, "Failed in securing client, prepare the boss."

He received the following fax from his secretary: "The boss is prepared...prepare yourself." 43. 40 Years Married Experience By gurunath jain Wednesday 13th, May 2009 On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single." 44. What happens in an indian hell? By mahesh CV Monday 11th, May 2009 An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell. Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in? "Because maintenance is so bad >that>>the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the cafeteria..." 45. Be a little careful while..... Chatting Online By Neeraj Srivastava Friday 08th, May 2009

Our FRIEND WAS chatting with a female - Online chat. Background both are s/w engineers by the way and both work for real big MNC's Hero: Hey...GM (Good Morning)... How's u doing today? Female: VGM...Day is going good and it got better having found u on chat Hero: wow...am honoured, u know what, my day starts only when I find you on Chat Female: Yep...me too feel the same...Brb (be right back)'ll get some Coffee. Hero: OK (Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes to his seat.) Manager: Hey, I need some help from you Hero: [**** This guy always comes at wrong time] Yeah tell me Manager: Could u write a program for me which generates nth prime number, Given value of n. Would you give this by today evening? Hero: I would do that, but I think it's quite hard, is it ok with you, if I Give it by tomorrow evening. Manager: Yeah, that would be fine. Thank you [Leaves the place] (Our hero sighs and stares at his monitor waiting impatiently for Female to Arrive. All of a sudden smiles on his face. Over to chat window...) Female: Hey, am back Hero: cool, you know what my manager does, She's kinda..... keeps asking stupid Things, tries to give me stupid work Female: Yeah, it's the same everywhere. Real sick ppl these managers are!! Hero: Yep, u rite!! Female: Hey, can u do me a favor Hero: *smiles* sure, why not. Female: Hey, I want you to write me a program to print nth prime Number, given N. Would you give that to me by tomorrow evening? Plzzz. You know it's real Urgent for me to work this out

Hero: hey, that's a one-hour's work. Sure check Ur mail in an hour from now. ok? Female: THIS IS WHAT I ASKED U WHEN I CAME TO YOUR WORK PLACE. NOW YOU KNOW WHO I AM!! AND ONE MORE POINT.... YOUR 1 HOUR TIME STARTS NOW!! 46. Marriage proposal of an IT proffesional By Vijay Hosmani Monday 04th, May 2009 Baby, I v seen you yesterday while surfing on local train platform and realized that you are the only site I was browsing for. For long time, I have been lonely, trying to find a bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now. My life is just an uncompiled program without you, which never produces an executable code and hence is useless. You are not only beautiful by face but all your ActiveX controls are attractive as well. Your smile is so delightful, which encourages me and gives power to me equal to thousands of mainframes processing power. When you looked at me last evening, I felt like all my program modules were running smoothly and giving expected results. /* Which I never experienced before */. With this letter, I just want to convey to you that, if we linked together, Ill provide you all objects & libraries necessary for a human being to live an error free life. Also dont bother about the firewall which may be created by our parents as Ive strong hacking capabilities by which Ill ultimately break their security passwords and make them agree for our marriage. I anticipate that nobody is already logged in to your database so that my connect script will fail. And its all certain that if this happened to me,I will crash my system beyond recovery. Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your inbox. Only yours, XYZ Software Professional 47. DIAGNOSIS! By MADHUSUDAN LELE Thursday 23rd, April 2009 Patient to Doctor: I have a strange ailment. When I drink tea, my eyes do not pain. But while drinking coffee my right eye pains severely. Doctor: You fool! Remove the spoon from the coffee cup!

48. It has a 20-year guarantee.. By mahesh CV Sunday 12th, April 2009 My friend Ada was slowly recovering from a heart attack. "Doctor," she pleaded with her cardiologist, "you must keep me alive for the next two years. I want to attend my first grandchild's bar mitzvah." "We'll try," he replied compassionately. In due course Ada gratefully attended the festive rite of passage. Some time later she again spoke to her doctor. "My granddaughter is to be married in 18 months. Please help me to be able to attend her wedding." "We'll do our best," he replied. And my friend happily attended her granddaughter's wedding. Ten years passed. Ada visited her cardiologist regularly and followed his instructions religiously. One morning she called him. "Doctor," she began, "I'm feeling fine, but I have another request to ask of you: Remember how you saw me through to my grandson's bar mitzvah?" "Yes." "And later how you helped me attend my granddaughter's wedding?" "Yes." "Well, as you know I've just celebrated my 80th birthday. And I just bought myself a new mattress." "Yes?" "It has a 20-year guarantee..." 49. A Child's Prayer Monday 06th, April 2009 One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa." The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured

himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked. The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma." The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy." Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!" 50. Comparison joke By MURALI CHANDRAN Tuesday 17th, March 2009 A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, 'Excuse me sir,can you help me ? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.' The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude. 'You must be an engineer,' said the lady balloonist. 'I am', replied the man. 'How did you know ?' 'Well, answered the balloonist, 'everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm Still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me at all. If anything you did is delayed my trip even more.' The man below responded, 'You must be in management.' 'I am,' Replied the lady balloonist, 'but, how did you know?' 'Well,' said the man, 'You don't know where you are, or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, with the help of a lot of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. 51. Laws of IT By Bhimrao Kulkarni Monday 02nd, March 2009

(ORIGINAL) 1. Evert body continues its state of rest or uniform motion unless it is acted by external unbalanced force. (IT) 1.Every Software Engineer continues chatting or forwarding mails or sending posts on humour unless he is assigned work by his manager. (ORIGINAL) 2. The rate of change of velocity of a body is directly proportional to the applied force & takes place in the same direction in which force is applied (IT) The rate of changes made in the software are directly proportional to the payment received from client and takes place at the faster rate as deadline approaches. (ORIGINAL) 3.For every action there is equal and opposite reaction. (IT) For every virus, there exist an equally powerful antivirus, & after release of that antivirus some more destructive virus comes into existance. (ORIGINAL) Law of Conservation of Energy: Energy can neither be created nor be destroyed. It can be converted from one form to another.The total ammount of energy in the universe always remains constant. (IT) Bug can neither be inserted nor be removed from software. It can only be converted from one form to another.The total number of bugs inthe software always remains constant. (ORIGINAL) The Uncertainty Principle of Heisenberg: "The more precisely the POSITION is determined,the less precisely the MOMENTUM is known". (IT): "The more precisely the deadline is achieved, the less precisely the quality is maintained". 52. A Brief History Lesson... By sreedevi rajan Thursday 26th, February 2009

As Time Goes By - A Brief History Lesson... 3050 B.C. - A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times. 525 B.C. - The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don't try to enter a six-footer with a moustache in the women's shot put. 214 B.C. - Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn't keep the neighbor's dog out. 1 B.C. - Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year. 432 - St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history. 1297- The world's first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or Xerox. 1456 - An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431. 1607 - The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as "John Smith". 1755 - Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words in. 1770 - The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, 3 shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Sat. Night. 1805 - Robert Fulton invents the torpedo. 1807 - Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with his torpedo. 1865 - Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee's surrender. 1912 - People with Reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money back. 1934 - As if the Great Depression weren't giving business enough headaches, Ralph Nader is born.

53. New Year's Resolutions By sreedevi rajan Thursday 26th, February 2009 New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies... I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband). I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person. I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once a week... okay, monthly then...or maybe... I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I will not reply "MS Tech Support." When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!" I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it. I will think of a password other than "password." I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too! 54. Don't forget the Cofee... By anand kumar Friday 20th, February 2009 On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says, "Don't forget the coffee". 55. Answers Given by a Candidate for MBBS course By saravanan Balasubramaniam Friday 13th, February 2009 Answers of a Candidate applying for MBBS Course. Antibody - against everyone Artery - The study of the paintings.

Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria. Caesarean section - a district in Rome. Cardiology - advance study of poker playing. Cat scan - searching for lost kitty. Chronic - neck of a crow. Coma - punctuation mark. Cortisone - area around local court. Cyst - short for sister. Diagnosis - person with slanted nose.. Dilate - the late British Princess Diana. Dislocation - in this place. Duodenum - couple in blue jeans. Enema - not a friend. Fake labour - pretending to work. Genes - blue denim. Hernia - she is close by. Impotent - distinguished/ well known.. Labour pain - hurt at work. Lactose - people without toes. Lymph - walk unsteadily. Microbes - small dressing gown. Obesity - city of Obe. Pacemaker - winner of Nobel peace prize.

Proteins - in favour of teens. Pulse - grain. Pus - small cat. Red blood count - Dracula. Secretion - hiding anything. Tablet - small table. Ultrasound - radical noise. Urine - opposite of you're out. Varicose - very close. 56. There is a Good News For You. By mahesh CV Monday 11th, May 2009 Dr.: Mrs Megha good new for u

Megha: what do u mean Mrs. I m unmarried.

Dr.: Miss Megha bad news for U 57. Cannibals in an IT company By Santhosh Rathod Monday 09th, February 2009 Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You`re all part of our team now. You can earn good money

here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don`t trouble the other employees. The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees. A month later the boss returns and says: "You`re all working very hard, and I`m very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our cleaners has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disavowed all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?" A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we`ve been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!" 58. Steam engine ! By Santhosh Rathod Monday 09th, February 2009 This story is set during the early part of this century, when steam trains were still commonplace. Two men were going to go on a journey by rail. They`d never been on a train before, and were rather nervous. They decided to take some oranges on the train with them, as eating oranges might help take their minds off the journey. The men bought their tickets and got on the train. They bought the cheapest tickets, which were for the third class carriage. Third class had bare wooden seats, and no lights. In spite of this, the two men began to quite enjoy the journey. After half an hour or so, the two men decided to have an orange each. Just as the first man began to eat, the train entered a tunnel. "Have you eaten your orange yet?" asked the first man. "No," said the second man. "Well don`t touch it!" said the first man. "I took one bite and went blind!" 59. Software Engineer ....... By vijay dixit Wednesday 04th, February 2009 There is a good old barber in Miami in US. One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to Pay the barber and the barber replies: 'I am sorry, i cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank You Card and a dozen roses waiting at his

door. A Confectioner goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber he again refuses to take the money. The Confectioner is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen Cakes waiting at his door. A Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber again refuses the money saying that it was a community service. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there...... Scroll down for answer... ..... .... .... ... ... ... ... .. ... ... ... A Dozen Software engineers waiting for a free haircut... with Printouts of forwarded mail mentioning about free haircut. 60. SURE TIMES HAVE CHANGED! Monday 26th, January 2009 Share jokes

15 years ago..... A program was..... a television show An application was.... for employment Windows were..... something you hated to clean A keyboard was.... a piano Memory was.... something you lost with age A CD was... a bank account A hard drive was a long trip on the road Log on was adding wood to a fire A mouse pad was where a mouse lived Cut you did with scissors Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu!!! SURE TIMES HAVE CHANGED! 61. Copy Cats? Monday 26th, January 2009 Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department Manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we`ve decided to give the job to the other applicant." "And why would you be doing that ? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant. "We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager. "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple, "said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question No. 5, `I don`t know` and You put down, `Neither do I.` " 62. Top 7 reasons why I joined IT ... Monday 26th, January 2009 1) I hated sleep. ************ * 2) I had enjoyed my life enough. ************ * 3) I couldn't live without tension. ************ *

4) I wanted to pay for my sins. ************ * 5) I believed in the Bhagwad Geeta principle : karm karo , phal ki ichha na karo.. ************ * 6) Everything in life has a reason; I wanted to prove it wrong. ************ * 7) I wanted to take revenge on myself . ************ *

63. Digital Ramayana and Mahabharath Monday 26th, January 2009 Brahma Systems Installation Vishnu Systems Administration & Support Lakshmi Finance and Accounts consultant Saraswati Training and Knowledge Management Shiva DBA (Crash Specialist) Ganesh Quality Assuarance & Documentation Narada Data transfer Yama Reorganization & Downsizing Consultant Chitragupta IDP & Personal Records

Apsaras Downloadable Viruses Devas Mainframe Programmers Surya Solaris Administrator Rakshasas In house Hackers Ravan Internet Explorer WWWF Kumbhakarnan Zombie Process Lakshman Support Software and Backup Hanuman Linux/s390 Vaali MS Windows

Sugreeva DOS Jatayu Firewall Dronacharya System Programmer Vishwamitra Sr. Manager Projects Shakuni Annual appraisal & Promotion Valmiki Technical Writer (Ramayana Sign off document) Krishna SDLC ( Sudarshan Wheel Development Life Cycle ) Dharmaraj Yudhishthira ISO Consultant (CMM level 5) Arjun Lead Programmer (all companies are vying for him)

Abhimanyu Trainee Programmer Draupadi Motivation & Team building Bhima MAINFRAME LEGACY SYSTEM Duryodhana Microsoft product Written in VB Karna Contract programmer Dhrutarashtra Visual C Gandhari Dreamweaver 100 Kauravas Microsoft Service Packs and patches 64. software engineer Thursday 22nd, January 2009 barber in some city in US. One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. When he is about to pay the barber, the latter replies: 'I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.' The florist is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a 'Thank You' card and a dozen roses waiting at his doorstep. This event is repeated till an software engineer goes for a haircut. When he pays him, the barber tells him, 'I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.' The next morning, when the barber opens his shop, he finds a dozen software engineer waiting for a free haircut. 65. I need Four Runs Wednesday 21st, January 2009 The batsman said to the bowler, 'Give me an easy one, will you? I bet a fellow in the crowd five pounds that I'd score four runs.' The bowler did so and the batsman hit it to the boundary. Straight away, he walked for the pavilion. 'You're not out,' said the bowler, 'Where are you going?' The batsman yelled back: 'I'm going to find the chap who bet me!' 66. Why do boys go to temple? Monday 19th, January 2009 Q: Why do boys go to temple?

? ? ? ? Because a temple is the only place where u can find.. ? ? ? ? Pooja Bhawna Shraddha Aarti Archana Aradhana

Shanti Jyoti . AND Finally. TRUPTI. and THEN MUKTI! 67. Yes Return Saturday 17th, January 2009 At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A representative from the company was just a bout ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down. Just then someone in the back of the room yelled, "Format C: Return." Someone else chimed in: "Yes, Return!" Unfortunately, the software worked. 68. Techie couple Saturday 17th, January 2009 A man and wife were both in an Internet business, but it was the husband who truly lived, ate and breathed computers. His wife finally realized how bad it gotten when one day she was scratching his back, and he said "No, not there. Scroll down a little." 69. CUSTOMER CARE IN 2020 Friday 16th, January 2009 Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your Customer: Heloo, can I order.. Operator : Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir? Customer: Its eh, hold. on889861356102049998-45-54610 Operator : OK youre Mr Singh and youre calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir? Customer: Home! How did you get all my phone numbers? Operator : We are connected to the system Sir Customer: May I order your Seafood Pizza

Operator : Thats not a good idea Sir Customer: How come? Operator : According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir Customer: What? What do you recommend then? Operator : Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. Youll like it Customer: How do you know for sure? Operator : You borrowed a book entitled Popular Hokkien Dishes from the National Library last week Sir Customer: OK I give up Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost? Operator : That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.9! 9 Customer: Can I pay by! credit card? Operator : Im afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. Thats not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir. Customer: I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives Operator : You cant Sir. Based on the records,youve reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today&quo t; Customer: Never mind just send the pizzas, Ill have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway? Operator : About 45 minutes Sir, but if you cant wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle Customer: What! Operator : According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,registration number 1123 Customer: ????

Operator : Is there anything else Sir? Customer: Nothing.! .. by the way arent you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised? Operator : We normally would Sir, but based on your records youre also diabetic. Customer: ***%&$%%### You $##$%%@!))) Operator Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman? Customer: Faints 70. I saw this on a blackboard in a CS class and improved upon it. Friday 16th, January 2009 Q: "How many computer scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?" A: "Five. Two write the specifications, one to prove their validity and two to implement it." Q: "Well, how many hackers does it take?" A: "One. But, hackers don't turn on the lights." 71. GENERAL MOTORS reply to BILL GATES-Dont challenge mechanical Friday 16th, January 2009 General Motors REPLY TO BILL GATES At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release Stating: "If GM had developed technology like microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part, esp 7th point and 10'th point): 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut

down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would ! run on only five percent of the roads. 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning light. 7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. (Read CTR-ALT-DEL) 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off. " Never undervalue the manufacturing & automobile industries 72. If Restaurants Worked Like Microsoft Tuesday 13th, January 2009 Server: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Server. What seems to the the problem? Patron: There's a fly in my soup! Server: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time. Patron: No, it's still there. Server: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead. Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there. Server: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using? Patron: A SOUP bowl! Server: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up? Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that got to do with the fly in my soup?! Server: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup? Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! Server: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day? Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?? Server: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour. Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now? Server: The current Soup of the Day is tomato. Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm running late now. Server leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.

Server: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check. Patron: This is potato soup. Server: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet. Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything. Server leaves. Patron: Server! There's a gnat in my soup! The check: Soup of the Day 5.00 Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day 2.50 Access to support 1.00 ----8.50 73. Are Computers Male Or Female? Tuesday 13th, January 2009 As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!") Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow: Five reasons to believe computers are female: 1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you." 4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. However, another group of computer scientists, (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow: Five reasons to believe computers are male: 1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. 2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night. 74. The problem is at your end Saturday 10th, January 2009 One of Microsoft's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!" 75. The computer user's reboot poem Saturday 10th, January 2009 Don't you wish when life is bad and things just don't compute, That all we really had to do was stop and hit reboot? Things would all turn out ok, life could be so sweet If we had those special keys Ctrl, Alt, and Delete Your boss is mad, your bills not paid, your wife, well she's just mute Just stop and hit those wonderful keys that make it all reboot You'd like to have another job but you fear living in the street? You solve it all and start a new, Ctrl, Alt, and Delete 76. Computer engineer! solution Friday 09th, January 2009 A mechanical, electrical and computer engineer were riding together to an engineering seminar when the car suddenly began jerking and shuttering. The mechanical engineer, said, "I think the car has a faulty carburetor." The electrical engineer said, "No, I think the problem lies with the alternator."

The computer engineer brightened up and said, "I know, let`s stop the car, all get out of the car and get back in again!" 77. IT Conversation : Friday 09th, January 2009 Husband: (Returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I`m now logged in." Wife???: Have you brought the grocery? Husband: Bad command or filename. Wife???: But I told you in the morning! Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort? Wife???: What about my new TV? Husband: Variable not found ... Wife???: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping. Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied... Wife???: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny? Husband: Too many parameters... Wife???: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you. Husband: Data type mismatch. Wife???: You are useless. Husband: It`s by Default. Wife???: What about your Salary? Husband: File in use ... Try later. Wife???: What is my value in the family. Husband: Unknown Virus MORAL: Beware before getting married to an IT pro 78. That was demo Thursday 08th, January 2009 Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, 'Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go.' Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, 'Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?' Looking slightly puzzled, God said, 'Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?' Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, 'I think I'll try Hell first.' So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.

When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. 'This is great,' he thought, 'if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven.' Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity. Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons. 'So, how is everything going?' God asked. Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, 'This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women? 'That was the demo,' replied God. 79. Tech Support Thursday 08th, January 2009 Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers. Customer: 'You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly.' Tech Support: 'What does it say?' Customer: 'Something about an error and non-system disk.' Tech Support: 'Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?' Customer: 'No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside.' Tech Support: 'Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours.'

Customer: 'Is that Eastern time?' Tech Support: 'Ok, now click your left mouse button.' Customer: (silence) 'But I only have one mouse.' Customer: 'Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it. Tech Support: 'Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?' Customer: 'No, I only have 3 of them.' Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.' Customer: 'Ok.' Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?' Customer: 'No.' Tech Support: 'Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?' Customer: 'No.' Tech Support: 'Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?' Customer: 'Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.' Customer: 'Now what do I do?' Tech Support: 'What is the prompt on the screen?' Customer: 'It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'' Tech Support: 'Ok, so type in your last name.' Customer: 'How do you spell that?' Customer: 'I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message.' Tech Support: 'Did you install the update?' Customer: 'No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?' 80. WHERE AM I?

Thursday 08th, January 2009 A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said 'WHERE AM I?' in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.' The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. 'I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.' 81. WHERE AM I? Thursday 08th, January 2009 A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said 'WHERE AM I?' in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.' The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. 'I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.' 82. Programmer and the Frog Wednesday 07th, January 2009 A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The programmer said, "Look, I'm a programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend -- but a talking frog, now that's cool!" 83. Define Great!!! By sachitha saksena Thursday 01st, January 2009 There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages. 84. microsoft's car Thursday 01st, January 2009 Question: Why can't MICROSOFT built any cars? Answer: Cause when an accident happens the airbag always asks: "Are you sure?" 85. Buying E-beg.com Saturday 06th, December 2008 A poor, downtrodden beggar stands on the street, not having much luck. Exasperated and hungry he decides to make a sign, and hastily scrawls the word "Beg" on a piece of cardboard. Hardly anyone pays him and his new sign any mind. A few passers-by drop him a couple of pennies. Suddenly, he gets an idea. He picks up his sign and to the word "Beg," he adds ".com." From around the corner, two venture capitalists appear, tripping over themselves to be the first to hand him a quarter of a million dollars. Pleased with his new-found wealth, the beggar decides to go one better. Flipping his cardboard sign over, he writes "e-Beg." Immediately, Jerry Yang and Bill Gates pull up in limousines and ask to buy him out. 86. Ad Space Friday 05th, December 2008 Microsoft to sell Ad space in error messages Microsoft announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear

in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression. "We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a "general protection fault" or "Illegal operation" warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director. The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error messages. 87. Intelligent Answer!! Friday 05th, December 2008 Sys Admin: How many time's i have to repair your laptop, always some or the other issue with your laptop. Techie Answer ( koti): Hello iam working on laptop, and im working so it is getting screwed up, iam not using paper to work and to keep my laptop as it has been given to me. 88. Technical Fault !!! Friday 05th, December 2008 A priest, a drunkard, and an engineer were all being led to the guillotine to be executed. They ask the priest if he wants to face upward or downward when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to die face up, so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his throat. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest. Next, the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his throat. So they release the drunkard as well. The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer says, "Hey, I see what your problem is!" 89. Transferring Files Friday 05th, December 2008 Santa once wanted to transfer some files form one PC to another. Following was the steps followed by him. 1) Right clicked the mouse on the file which he wanted to transfer and selected CUT option.

2) Disconnected the mouse from that PC. 3) Took that mouse carefully and connected it to the other PC where he wanted to copy that file. 4) Right clicked the mouse and selected the PASTE option. 90. Troubling end! Thursday 04th, December 2008 One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!" 91. I will correct it in two weeks Wednesday 03rd, December 2008 Over the past several months, my company has shorted my paychecks several times, anywhere from $75 to $300. Each time this has happened, the payroll department made me wait two weeks before they corrected the error. Last payday the situation reversed. Everyone with direct deposit was paid twice. I quickly withdrew every dollar from my bank account before the mistake could be corrected. When payroll called about the mistake, I grinned from ea 92. Secret of the happy going marriage By Amukata Chow Wednesday 27th, October 2010 Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known Happy going marriage. Editor: Sir. Its amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible? Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on

different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horses back and said This is your first time . She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said This is your second time and continued. When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead!! I shouted at my wife: What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?? She gave a silent look and said: This is your first time!!! Husband: Thats it, and we are happily married ever after. 93. Traffic signals and the two brothers Wednesday 03rd, December 2008 Two men were driving down a city street, as they approach a red stop light, the man driving speeds up and drives through a red light. Shocked, the passenger yells, "What are you doing!" The driver just responds in a casual tone, "That's the way my brother drives." As they continue down the street, they again came upon another red stop light and again the drive speeds through the intersection. Again, the passenger yells, "What are you doing!" The driver says, "That's the way my brother drives". Not too long after that, they came upon a green light. The driver quickly slams on his breaks and comes to a complete stop just before the intersection. The angry passenger screams, "It's a green light!" The driver says, "Yes, but my brother might be coming the other way!" 94. Technically correct Monday 28th, July 2008

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how he had done it. "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer." 95. Wrong program? Monday 14th, July 2008 Two computer programmers are driving on a Highway. They switch on the radio and there is a warning: Please note that a car is driving on highway 75 against the traffic. The programmer near the driver looks at him and says: One? There are hundreds of them. 96. A guide to Modern Operating Systems Monday 14th, July 2008 Unix You shoot yourself in the foot. DOS You keep running up against the one-bullet barrier. MS-Windows The gun blows up in your hand. Windows NT

The gun is so huge and unwieldy that you have to keep swapping it from one hand to the other. OS/2 The gun and the bullet aren't speaking to each other any more. Mac Finder It's easy to shoot yourself in the foot -- just point and shoot. AIX You can shoot yourself in the foot with either a .38 or a .45. IRIX The Terminator shoots you in the foot. A T-Rex bites your other foot. SVR4 The gun isn't compatible with your foot. Minix You learn how to shoot yourself in the foot with a Saturday Night Special. Linux Generous programmers from around the world all join forces to help you shoot yourself in the foot for free. HURD You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot Real Soon Now. VM/CMS IBM shoots you in the foot. VMS FOOT ambiguous: supply more toes. AMIGA-DOS The gun works pretty well, except that few people use one and it's impossible to find bullets. Mach The bullets work pretty well, but they don't make guns for it any more. Cray You shoot yourself in the foot with an Uzi. MasPar You shoot all of your friends' feet simultaneously.

97. Newton's laws of Software Sunday 13th, July 2008 First Law: Every Software Engineer continues his state of chatting or forwarding mails until and unless he is assigned work by manager. Second Law: The rate of change in the software quality is directly proportional to the payment received from client and the deadline time, and it takes place at the quick rate as and when deadline force is applied. Third Law: Bugs can neither be created nor be removed from software by a developer. It can only be converted from one form to another. The total number of bugs in the software always remains constant. 98. Half The Job! Wednesday 09th, July 2008 "This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you." Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine, I'll take two." 99. Heaven And Hell Wednesday 09th, July 2008 In Heaven: The cooks are French, The policemen are English, The mechanics are German, The lovers are Italian, The bankers are Swiss. In Hell: The cooks are English, The policemen are German, The mechanics are French, The lovers are Swiss, The bankers are Italian. In Computer Heaven:

The management is from Intel, The design and construction is done by Apple, The marketing is done by Microsoft, IBM provides the support, Gateway determines the pricing. In Computer Hell: The management is from Apple, Microsoft does design and construction, IBM handles the marketing, The support is from Gateway, Intel sets the price. 100. Bill Gate and Lightbulb Wednesday 09th, July 2008 Q: How many Bill Gate' does it take to change the lightbulb?? A: None. He just calls a meeting & makes darkness the standard. 101. New Viruses on the loose! Wednesday 09th, July 2008 Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB. AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism." Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer. Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. Congressional virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. Airline virus: You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore. Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard. Public Television virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money. Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America. Nike virus: Just does it. Congressional virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything. Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before. Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500. 102. Computer Quotes Wednesday 09th, July 2008 1. What is a computer's first sign of old age?

Loss of memory. 2. What does a baby computer call his father? Data. What is an astronaut's favorite key on a computer keyboard? The space bar. 3. What happened when the computer fell on the floor? It slipped a disk. 4. Why was there a bug in the computer? It was looking for a byte to eat. 5. What is a computer virus? A terminal illness. 6. To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a computer. 7. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. 8. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. 9. My computer isn't that nervous. It's just a bit ANSI. 10. The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord. 103. Great Writer Wednesday 09th, July 2008 There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages. 104. Computer Acronyms Wednesday 09th, July 2008 PCMCIA

People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms ISDN It Still Does Nothing APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity SCSI System Can't See It DOS Defective Operating System BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control IBM I Blame Microsoft DEC Do Expect Cuts CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too. WWW World Wide Wait MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs PENTIUM Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics COBOL Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language AMIGA A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction LISP Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis

MIPS Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System GIRO Garbage In Rubbish Out MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers. 105. Working in Microsoft Wednesday 09th, July 2008 Dear Agony Aunt, I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to an Australian. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana, distribution of Cocaine, as well as Heroin. They are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non parole life sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington remand center on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a Brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the Madam. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. So, how should I tell her about my brother-in-law being employed by Microsoft?

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