12 Questions To Ask Before Making An Important Decision

12 Questions To Ask Before Making An Important Decision
Topic(s): Communication Tools
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Below are 12 questions that youll find very helpful when you need to make an important decision and you need wisdom, and discernment.
First, pray and ask God for His guiding wisdom. The Bible says in James 1:5, If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.
And then ask yourself the following questions with a heart open to receive the discernment you have asked for:
1. The MISSION question: Does this decision support my life mission?
2. The VISION question: Will this decision move me toward a life goal or toward solving a problem?
3. The INTEGRITY question: Will this decision affect any commitment or vow I have made?
4. Gods REVEALED WORD question: Does the Bible speak to this decision or a potential consequence?
5. The COMMON SENSE question: Do the results of this decision make sense?
6. OTHERS FIRST question: How will others be affected by this decision?
7. The LEGAL question: Is it legal?
8. The COST question: What will this decision cost me?
9. The MOTIVE question: What do I get out of this decision?
10. The TIMING question: Is this the best time to make this decision?
11. The KNOWLEDGE question: Do I have enough information to make this decision?
12. The COMMITMENT question: Do I plan to commit to my decision?
The above questions were first presented on the Parent Talk-On Call radio program. Parent Talk is now called INTENTIONAL LIVING and is a nationally syndicated program heard on over 100 Christian radio stations. To see other resources written by Dr. Carlson or to learn more about the ministry, visit their web site at Theintentionallife.com. If INTENTIONAL LIVING is not heard in your area you can listen to the program on-line at the same web address.
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COMMUNICATION TOOLS For Couples
Topic(s): Communication Tools, Home Page
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Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. (James 1:19)
Are you having difficulty communicating with each other so youre able to bridge your differences somehow?
Below you will find several different communication tools that could help you in your marriage so youre able to hear each other better when you really need to. (Hopefully it will help you to become slower to become angry.)
Just like in a tool box youll find that you dont use every tool every day, youll find the same for the communication tools that are listed below.
Use whatever you find helpful with the situation youre dealing with whenever you need extra help:
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THE CREATIVE NUMBER TECHNIQUE:
(From the book, Men Read Newspapers Not Minds by Sandra Aldrich, which was published by Tyndale House Publisher)
When needing clarification on the importance of a matter to your spouse have your spouse point to how they really feel over a matter.
#1: I really dont want to do this.
#2: I dont want to do this, but Im willing to talk about it.
#3: I dont care one way or another.
#4: Id like to do this, but I wont die if we dont.
#5: Yes, this is very, very important to me.
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THE PENCIL METHOD:
(This comes from the book, Happily Ever After, by Toben and Joanne Heim)
Whoever holds the pencil gets to do the talking.
The other person may ask clarifying questions but thats all.
Flip a coin and get started.
Whoever has the pencil should try only to make feeling statements I feel this way when you
After the person with the pencil has said all he or she has to say, pass the pencil.
A further insight from one of the authors of this method Toben Heim:
Question: Do you think couples should seek counseling for conflict? Tom: This may sound too simple, but seek counseling when the pencil technique or its equivalent doesnt work. If youre trying to listen to each other but it just isnt working, or if the issue is so hot that youre simply unable to listen to each other, then its time to get a third-party mediator to help you work through it. Some couples may think its a sign of weakness to get that kind of help, but just the opposite is true. Its a sign of strength. I have couples that come to me for help after 15 years regarding an issue theyve struggled with for every one of those 15 years. And others come in after a month of marriage. Who do you think is better off?
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THE FIFTEEN MINUTE TIME-OUT RULE: (Explained by Joanne Heim, from the book, Happily Ever After, published by Kregel Publications.)
*My husband+ Toben promises that he wont say a word for 15 whole minutes.
At that point I am able to calmly explain why my feelings are hurt as well as being able to listen and understand as Toben then explains his side of the story.
We dont use the Fifteen Minute Time-Out Rule very much, but it helps me immensely to know its there if I need it. And it saved a lot of hurt feelings and words that couldnt be taken back during our early years of marriage.
I hate to admit it, but when I start feeling backed into a corner, I lash out. I say mean, hurtful, and ugly things that I end up regretting. And as Meg Ryans character said in the movie, Youve Got Mail, theres no reason to say those kinds of things to someone no matter what hes done (or what you think hes done) to deserve it.
Paul said much the same thing in 1 Thessalonians (as interpreted in The Message):
And be careful that when you get on each others nerves you dont snap at each other. Look for the best in each other, and always do your best to bring it out (1 Thessalonians 5:15).
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The H.A.L.T. METHOD of Dealing with Issues:
We arent sure who originally came up with this method, but its a good one to consider when you have anything important to discuss. TIMING can be essential in having a spouse truly hear what you are trying to communicate. The H.A.L.T. Method:
H.A.L.T. yourself from trying to talk about anything important or that could cause conflict when either of you is: Hungry Angry Lonely Tired.
If either of you is experiencing any of these dont say it yet! You have less success of things going in a good direction with what you are trying to discuss. Ask the Lord to show you a better time and the best way to say it.
H.A.L.T. times are troublesome in that they can close off a partner from truly hearing and listening to what you are really trying to communicate.
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THE 3 PLUS 3 RULE
Often when we get flustered, we dont listen to each other, Dr Steve Stephens said. And then even when we start to listen we interrupt the other person.
He suggests that couples flip a coin to determine who will talk first. The winner of the coin toss then has three minutes to talk without being interrupted by the other person. At the end of those three minutes, the other person has three minutes of uninterrupted time to respond. (For more, please click into the CBN.com article, Fight Fair in Marriage)
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The GIFT EXERCISE:
Helping Couples Understand their Frustrations with Each Other -From Soul Healing Love and How to Find Mr. or Mrs. Right
To read what this exercise involves please click onto the link provided below
and scroll down to read:
The GIFT Exercise (as well as the Digging Deeper Exercise)
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The STOP STRATEGY:
(This strategy came from the article, My Sick Husband Got Better and Our Marriage Got Worse, written by Sondra Forsyth, published in the Ladies Home Journal Magazine Lhj.com, October 2008.) The Stop Strategy:
STOP: Halt the conversation when you start to get uncomfortable with the way it is going.
PEACE OFFERING: After you come back together and talk about what you each learned in your time apart, seal the deal with a kiss or a promise to change a behavior.
OWN YOUR OWN PART: Take responsibility for your role in creating the problem instead of attacking your partner or defending your position.
TIME OUT: Physically separate for 30-60 minutes in order to calm down.
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THE PAUSE PRINCIPLE:
To read what this principle involves, we will link you to the web site of Peacemakers Ministries. Please click onto the link below to do so:
The P.A.U.S.E. Principle
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PEACEFULLY RESOLVING ANGER:
(From the book, The Other Side of Love, by Dr Gary Chapman published by Moody Press, pages 122-123)
On a 3X5 card, write the following words:
Im feeling angry right now but dont worry, Im not going to attack you. But I do need your help. Is it a good time to talk
Put this card on the refrigerator door or some other easily accessible place. The next time you feel anger toward your spouse, run for the card. Holding it in your hand, read it to your spouse as calmly as you can. If its not a good time to talk, then set a time to talk.
At the appointed time, begin the process of seeking explanation and resolution of the issue that stimulated your anger.
When you sit down to discuss the issue, begin by saying, I know that I could be misunderstanding this and thats why I wanted to talk with you. Let me tell you what I am feeling and why. Then if you can clarify the situation, please do so because I need help in resolving this. Such a beginning creates a nonthreatening atmosphere in which to discuss the event that stimulated your anger.
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MAKING AN ANTI-DIVORCE CONTRACT
To put this contract together, it would be helpful if you read an article written by Michael Smalley. In it, he explains the reasoning behind this principle and how to put this type of contract together. To read this article, please click onto the link provided below:
Creating Relational Security Through an Anti-Divorce Contract
If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please Join the Discussion by adding your comments below.
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Caroline
18 June 2009 at 1:03 am
(SOUTH AFRICA) Please send me motivating messages that will help strengthen my marriage. We seem to fight and argue a lot lately-married for 3 years now.
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Latest Comments Kenny commented on Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair:" (USA) The heartbreak, betrayal and anger you feel as well as the confusion about how this man could do this..." Tony commented on Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair:" (USA) Apparently, that's what my ex-wife did when she had her affair. She had no problem passing on the real..." Tony commented on During Separation: Time Can Be Your Friend:" (USA) Why wouldn't you stay home even after Christmas? If she doesn't want to be your wife, she can leave..."
Patrick commented on How Much Sex Is Normal?:" (US) My wife stays at home and she doesn't want it. Before we got married, our sex lives were great!..." Janey commented on Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair:" (CANADA) You asked why he had to lie? It's because that is the only way he could make you lower..."
Scriptures to Bring You Closer Together in Your Marriage
Topic(s): Communication Tools, Spiritual Matters
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Suggestion: Make a copy of these scriptures for your everyday use. Read one Bible passage a day, together with your spouse (if possible), for the next 142 days. After reading the passage of the day, if your spouse will participate with you, take the time to discuss what it means to each of you personally in light of your marriage, and/or pertaining to marriage in itself.
You can take a prayer/share walk together, or sit with each other enjoying cups of coffee or tea or soda or whatever, using the passage of the day as your springboard for time you spend in couple time, strengthening your marriage as a chord of three strands.
As you discuss these passages, you may find that you will not always think alike, in how you see these scriptures applying to your marriage, but the main goal is to think together to find ways to build relationship bridges so you walk together through your marriage journey.
Sometimes deep discussion will ensue, sometimes confession may be appropriate, sometimes apologies, but always giving grace and building relationship bridges is important. Look to be dispensers of grace, rather than vessels of criticism. This is a relationship building time with you, your spouse and God together in partnership.
End your time together by praying for each other (either aloud or silently). Keep in mind that the purpose of spending this time with each other, is to help you to grow in your spiritual intimacy. Read, listen attentively as the other shares, and listen for what God may be telling you, concerning this particular principle for living.
Keep in mind that the principles for loving each other in your marriage, are the principles for living, as they are laid out in the Bible Gods living Word.
May God bless you in this effort!
1. Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)
2. And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ to the glory and praise of God. (Philippians 1:9-11)
3. May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! (Romans 15:5-6)
4. Love suffers long, and is kind; love does not envy; love does not promote itself, is not puffed up, does not behave badly, seeks not her own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
5. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind one to another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christs sake has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:31-32)
6. The man who hates and divorces his wife, says the LORD, the God of Israel, does violence to the one he should protect, says the LORD Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful. (Malachi 2:16)
7. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. (Genesis 1:17)
8. Therefore a man will leave his father and his mother, and will cling to his wife: and they will be one flesh. (Genesis 2:24)
9. Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. (1 John 4:7-8)
10. Love flows through a marriage that lives up to mutual responsibility. Love is not self seeking, its not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong. (1 Corinthians 13:5)
11. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. (Hebrews 10:24) Ask yourself: How can I spur him/her on to encouragement?
12. Let us encourage one another and all the more as you see the day approaching (Hebrews 10:25).
13. This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for each other. (1 John 3:16)
14. As far as it be within you be at peace with all men. (Hebrews 10:24)
15. Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. (Ephesians 5:21)
16. Are you pledged to a woman? Do not seek to be released. Are you free from such a commitment? Do not look for a wife. But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this. (1 Corinthians 7:27-28)
17. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. (1 Corinthians 7:3-11)
18. Among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for Gods holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy personsuch a person is an idolaterhas any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things Gods wrath comes on those who are disobedient. Therefore do not be partners with them. (Ephesians 5:3-7)
19. You were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visibleand everything that is illuminated becomes a light. This is why it is said: Wake up, sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you. (Ephesians 5:8-14)
20. Be very careful, then, how you livenot as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lords will is. (Ephesians 5:15-17)
21. Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. (Ephesians 5:18-20)
22. Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church for we are members of his body. (Ephesians 5:21-30)
23. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (Ephesians 5:31-33)
24. Speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From Him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work. (Ephesians 4:15-16)
25. Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. (Proverbs 12:18)
26. It is to ones honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel. (Proverbs 20:3) A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control. (Proverbs 29:11)
27. The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride. (Ecclesiastes 7:8)
28. He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. Micah 6:8
29. This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters. (1 John 3:16)
30. No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.(1 Corinthians 10:13)
31. Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. (Romans 12:9-10)
32. Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God. (Romans 15:7)
33. If someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Carry each others burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. (Galatians 6:1-2)
34. If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load. (Galatians 6:3-5)
35. Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. (Galatians 6:7-8)
36. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers. (Galatians 6:9-10)
37. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. (Ephesians 4:22-24)
38. Each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. (Ephesians 4:25)
39. In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. (Ephesians 4:26-27)
40. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. (Ephesians 4:29-30)
41. Encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. (1 Thessalonians 5:11) What would encourage you, which your spouse could do for you?
42. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one anotherand all the more as you see the Day approaching. (Hebrews 10:23-25)
43. Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. (James 5:16)
44. Were Christs representatives. God uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter into Gods work of making things right between them. (2 Corinthians 5:20 -The Message)
45. Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didnt love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that. (Ephesians 5:1-2, The Message)
46. If your eyes are unhealthy, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness! (Matthew 6:23)
47. Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eyes are healthy, your whole body also is full of light. But when they are unhealthy, your body also is full of darkness. See to it, then, that the light within you is not darkness. Therefore, if your whole body is full of light, and no part of it dark, it will be just as full of light as when a lamp shines its light on you. (Luke 11:34-35)
48. This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. (1 John 1:5-7)
49. Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates a brother or sister is still in the darkness. Anyone who loves their brother and sister lives in the light, and there is nothing in them to make them stumble. But anyone who hates a brother or sister is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness. They do not know where they are going, because the darkness has blinded them. (1 John 2:9-11)
50. An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips. (Proverbs 24:26)
51. How good and pleasant it is when Gods people live together in unity! (Psalm 133:1)
52. Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable if anything is excellent or praiseworthy think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. (Philippians 4:8-9)
53. My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one I in them and you in me so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. (John 17:20-23)
54. Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and mutual edification. (Romans 14:19)
55. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. (John 17:23)
56. Set a guard over my mouth, LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips. Do not let my heart be drawn to what is evil so that I take part in wicked deeds along with those who are evildoers; do not let me eat their delicacies. (Psalm 141:3-4)
57. Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. (Romans 14:19)
58. Under three things the earth trembles, under four it cannot bear up: a servant who becomes king, a fool who is full of food, an unloved woman who is married, and a maidservant who displaces her mistress. (Proverbs 30:21-23)
59. If you forgive anyone, I also forgive him. And what I have forgiven if there was anything to forgive I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes. (2 Corinthians 2:10-11)
60. The lips of the righteous knows what is fitting, but the mouth of the wicked only what is perverse. (Proverbs 10:32) From the fruit of their lips people are filled with good things, and the work of their
hands brings them reward. (Proverbs 12:14) Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a ruling rightly given. (Proverbs 25:11)
61. Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs. (Proverbs 10:12)
62. Jesus said, I came that they might have life and have it to the full (John 10:10).
63. Take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. (James 1:19-21)
64. Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in itnot forgetting what they have heard, but doing it they will be blessed in what they do. (James 1:22-25)
65. Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless. (James 1:26)
66. Speak and act as those who are going to be judged by the law that gives freedom, because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment. (James 2:12-13)
67. What good is it, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to them, Go in peace; keep warm and well fed, but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. (James 2:14-17)
68. We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check. When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of ones life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.
All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in Gods likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water. (James 3:2-12)
69. Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. 14 But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such wisdom does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. (James 3:13-16)
70. The wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness. (James 3:17-18)
71. What causes fights and quarrels among you? Dont they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. (James 3:1-3)
72. You adulterous people, dont you know that friendship with the world means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. Or do you think Scripture says without reason that he jealously longs for the spirit he has caused to dwell in us? But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble. (James 4:4-6)
73. Submit yourselves to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. (James 4:7-10)
74. Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But youwho are you to judge your neighbor? (James 4:11-12)
75. Now listen, you who say, Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money. Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, If it is the Lords will, we will live and do this or that. As it is, you boast in your arrogant schemes. All such boasting is evil. If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesnt do it, it is sin for them. (James 4:13-17)
76. Be patient, then, brothers and sisters, until the Lords coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop, patiently waiting for the autumn and spring rains. You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lords coming is near. Dont grumble against one another, brothers and sisters, or you will be judged. The Judge is standing at the door! (James 5:7-9)
77. He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin. (Proverbs 13:3)
78. My mouth speaks what is true, for my lips detest wickedness. All of the words of my mouth are just; none of them is crooked or perverse. (Proverbs 8:7-8)
79. The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. (Proverbs 18:21) Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. (Proverbs 16:24)
80. Fools show their annoyance at once, but the prudent overlook an insult. (Proverbs 12:16) Those who guard their lips preserve their lives, but those who speak rashly will come to ruin. (Proverbs 13:3)
81. Love is not rude, it is not self-seeking; it is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs. (1 Corinthians 13:5)
82. If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other. (Galatians 5:15)
83. Remind the people to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men. (Titus 3:2)
84. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. (Matthew 19:6)
85. Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so? (Amos 3:3)
86. Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few. (Ecclesiastes 5:2)
87. Serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command, Love your neighbor as yourself. (Galatians 5:13-14)
88. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others. (1 Corinthians 10:24)
89. Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others (1 Corinthians 10:23-24).
90. If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other. (Galatians 6:15)
91. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers. (Galatians 6:9-10)
92. But I tell you that men will have to give account on the Day of Judgment; for every careless word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned. (Matthew 12:37)
93. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. (John 15:12-14)
94. Let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth (1 John 3:18).
95. Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love. (Proverbs 5:15-19)
96. Since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:2-5)
97. The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy;
drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. (Galatians 5:19-21)
98. Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
99. Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. (Proverbs 4:23)
100. Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfillment of the law. (Romans 13:10)
101. Rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, 3 now that you have tasted that the Lord is good. (1 Peter 2:1-3)
102. Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us. (1 Peter 2:12)
103. Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For, Whoever would love life and see good days must keep their tongue from evil and their lips from deceitful speech. They must turn from evil and do good; they must seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil. (1 Peter 3:8-12)
104. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. (1 Peter 4:8-9)
105. Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of Gods grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may
be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen. (1 Peter 5:10-11)
106. Clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble. Humble yourselves, therefore, under Gods mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. (1 Peter 5:5-6)
107. Humble yourselves under Gods mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. (1 Peter 5:6-9)
108. Make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins. (2 Peter 1:5-9)
109. Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. (1 John 4:78)
110. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in Gods law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! (Romans 7:15-25)
111. Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of Gods mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what Gods will ishis good, pleasing and perfect will. (Romans 12:1-2)
112. A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. (John 13:34-35)
113. I have the right to do anything, you say but not everything is beneficial. I have the right to do anything but not everything is constructive. No one should seek their own good, but the good of others. (1 Corinthians 10:23-24)
114. Whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God even as I try to please everyone in every way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved. (1 Corinthians 10:3133)
115. Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love. (1 Corinthians 16:13-14)
116. All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting peoples sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christs ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christs behalf: Be reconciled to God. (2 Corinthians 5:18-20)
117. You were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: Love your neighbor as yourself. If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other. (Galatians 5:13-15)
118. As Gods chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. (Colossians 3:12-14)
119. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. (Colossians 3:15-17)
120. Do you see a person wise in their own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for them. (Proverbs 26:12) Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance. (Proverbs 1:5) The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice. (Proverbs 12:15)
121. The discerning heart seeks knowledge, but the mouth of a fool feeds on folly. (Proverbs 15:14) He who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise. (Proverbs 15:31)
122. He who answers before listening that is his folly and his shame. (Proverbs 18:13)
123. The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge; the ears of the wise seek it out. (Proverbs 18:15) Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. (Proverbs 19:20)
124. Apply your heart to instruction and your ears to words of knowledge. (Proverbs 23:12)
125. A wise mans heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction. (Proverbs 16:23) The lips of the righteous know what is fitting, but the mouth of the wicked only what is perverse (Proverbs 10:29).
126. Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. (Proverbs 12:18)
127. A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered. Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues. (Proverbs 17:27-28)
128. Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man. (Proverbs 3:3-4)
129. Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is that Head, that is, Christ. (Ephesians 4:15)
130. Put away perversity from your mouth keep corrupt talk far from your lips. (Proverbs 4:24)
131. Whoever corrects a mocker invites insults; whoever rebukes the wicked incurs abuse. Do not rebuke mockers or they will hate you; rebuke the wise and they will love you. Instruct the wise and they will be wiser still; teach the righteous and they will add to their learning. (Proverbs 9:7-9)
132. Stolen water is sweet; food eaten in secret is delicious! But little do they know that the dead are there, that her guests are deep in the realm of the dead. (Proverbs 9:17-18)
133. The wise in heart accept commands, but a chattering fool comes to ruin. (Proverbs 10:8) When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. The tongue of the righteous is choice silver, but the heart of the wicked is of little value. The lips of the righteous nourish many, but fools die for lack of sense. (Proverbs 10:19-21)
134. Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. (Proverbs 16:18) When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. (Proverbs 11:2)
135. The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity. (Proverbs 11:3) The righteousness of the blameless makes their paths straight, but the wicked are brought down by their own wickedness. The righteousness of the upright delivers them, but the unfaithful are trapped by evil desires. (Proverbs 11:5-6)
136. Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly. (Proverbs 14:29) A persons wisdom yields patience; it is to ones glory to overlook an offense. (Proverbs 19:11)
137. Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out. (Proverbs 17:14)
138. Whoever loves a quarrel loves sin; whoever builds a high gate invites destruction. (Proverbs 17:19)
139. Whoever winks with their eye is plotting perversity; whoever purses their lips is bent on evil. (Proverbs 16:30) A discerning person keeps wisdom in view, but a fools eyes wander to the ends of the earth. (Proverbs 17:24)
140. If you play the fool and exalt yourself, or if you plan evil, clap your hand over your mouth! For as churning cream produces butter, and as twisting the nose produces blood, so stirring up anger produces strife. (Proverbs 30:32-33)
141. May the Lord direct your heart into Gods love and Christs perseverance. (2 Thessalonians 3:5) Consider this prayer, in the light of the scripture: Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (James 2:2-4)
142. Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you. Greet one another with a holy kiss. (2 Corinthians 13:11-12)
If you have additional scriptures and/or tips you can share to help others who are married, or if you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please Join the Discussion by adding your comments below.
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KK
13 August 2011 at 11:17 pm
(ZIM) Thanks for the great article. Its very, very true; we have to start living by the scriptures. Im not at all perfect, I dont live by the scriptures, all of them, but I do know them.
My hope is that all brothers and sisters can help me pray for myself for strength. Since I got married all the scriptures have left my life. I have started to become weak in prayer. Although I know the scriptures I just cant find a way to constantly live by them. Hence, because of this I feel that my prayers are constantly hindered.
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Creating a Vision Statement for Your Marriage
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Creating a vision statement for you marriage is essential to keep your focus on the central goal of your marriage. It unifies your expectations together and what needs to be done to achieve your vision. The Marriage Minded vision statement must inspire your relationship by encompassing all of your hopes and dreams.
STEP 1: Start your vision statement by writing all the positive, affirming words that describe your ideal of marriage. Use nouns, verbs, and adjectives.
STEP 2: Consolidate your words into sentences that inspire you, drive you, and cover your dreams as a couple.
STEP 3: Review your vision with your spouse and revise until both of you agree it describes the ideal picture of your marriage.
STEP 4: Put it in an obvious place. Read it daily. Memorize it.
Here are some vision statement sentences and ideas:
Jesus changed the world one life at a time and we are privileged to continue His vision with our marriage. Our love shows Christ and inspires others.
As husband and wife, we enjoy the love of God being unleashed through our marriage and our family. We seek to walk in our full potential as a spouse, parent, and minister.
Our marriage encourages each other and invites the Holy Spirit to guide us in strengthening and giving significance, openness and forgiveness towards one another.
We live to serve each other and by serving each other we live! We are deliberate in setting aside time for each other.
The above article was written by David and Gretchen Willard, and is included in the book, Breakthrough Marriage. You can obtain this book at Conflictbalancebreakthrough.com. Its a book to help you fall in love with your spouse all over again.
ALSO
To help you further in writing a Vision Statement for your marriage, the following is a link to an EHow.com article which can help you further as you work to create your statement together. While this article concerns writing a personal vision statement rather than a joint statement for your marriage, the principles and points that are brought up in this article that could help you in this mission, as well.
Please click onto the link below to read:
HOW TO WRITE A CHRISTIAN PERSONAL VISION STATEMENT
As you work on your vision statement and possibly your mission statement, you may find out what Kevin and Karen were surprised to discover:
Before we wrote our mission statement, we didnt realize how secular our goals were.
To learn more, please click onto the Kyria.com link below to read:
BEYOND HAPPILY EVER AFTER
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Fireproof Discussion Pages
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If you havent seen the movie, Fireproof, please click HERE to preview several clips that we hope will spur you on to see it. We highly recommend it! You can even purchase it on DVD by clicking HERE.
If you HAVE seen it (or you are going to watch it), the following questions and Personal Points to Ponder are provided to help you and your spouse discuss what you have experienced from the movie: Caleb and Catherine obviously had a lot of problems to work through in their marriage. Do you think their problems were unique to them or do you think they are pretty universally experienced even with Christians? Explain. Who was more at fault for the near failure of their marriage Caleb or Catherine? Explain.
Co-writer/director Alex Kendrick says the old adage Never leave your partner behind has significance to non-firefighters as well. In a television interview aired September 25, 2008 on the Dr Phil Show Drphil.com he said,
You know, its now national policy for firefighters: two in, two out. If you go to a fire, you stay with your partner, you go in and you come out, and that applies to marriage as well. Youre going to go through fire. The meaning of Fireproof is not that fire will never come, but when it comes, you can withstand it. And the only way to do that is to purposefully stay together, to have a higher standard than living just for yourself, but in meeting the other persons needs.
Think of one thing that impressed you or that you learned from this movie that could help you to meet your spouses needs and improve your marriage relationship? Share what it is and how you think you can implement it. What was it about the Love Dare that impressed you?
In the movie, there is a scene where Caleb and his wife Catherine are involved in an explosive argument about being disrespected. Dr Phil asked Kirk Cameron, who played Caleb, if that was a hard scene for him to do. He replied,
That was difficult, yeah. Ive always said to myself, You dont go there. Youre not going to go there. You dont just turn into an ugly beast on the person whom you love most. But I know that that is all too real for a lot of people because it just wells up and it comes out like a volcano. How did this scene affect you? Could you identify with this level of friction?
Dennis Rainey, host of the radio program, Family Life Today Familylife.com, said the following (during a 3 day broadcast aired September 24, 25, 26, 2008) concerning the above mentioned scene in the movie,
I wonder if this is not going to be used by God for a man to be exposed to his own behavior in like a mirror, where physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse is happening. Hes going to finally see how disrespectful and how demeaning it is to a woman.
To that, producer Stephen Kendrick replied,
Its interesting, Dennis, you used the word mirror, because I believe that God uses a spouse to be like a mirror to us, and He will reveal to us how selfish we are, how greedy we can be, and how well claim our own rights. Theres nothing like a wife to reveal to her husband his real nature.
You know, if the people who respect him at work lived with him and had to be in that kind of relationship with him, they may realize who he is. But a spouse brings it out of us. And God did that on purpose, because a marriage relationship is supposed to really be a discipleship to the Lord to form us into the image of Christ. If well see it that way rather than resisting this person, well say, God, youre revealing things that are not like Jesus that are in me that need to be dealt with so that I can more like Him. What are your thoughts on what Dennis and then Stephen said about God using marriage as a mirror to reveal our real nature?
PERSONAL POINTS TO PONDER: Have you experienced anger with your spouse that wells up and comes out like a volcano? After (and if) it wells up, have you given yourself permission to go there to say things in such a manner that has turned you into an ugly beast on the person whom you love the most?
If so, we encourage you to pray together, asking the Lord to help you work through your future times of conflict. You may do this through talking together once, twice, or several times until you both feel you have figured out how to make your times of disagreements less explosive and disrespectful.
We have numerous articles and tools to help you in this journey posted and linked to, on our web site. You may even need a pastor, mentor couple, or counselor help you work through these issues until you BOTH feel you can resolve conflict in healthy ways. You CAN do this, and we encourage to do so.
On the Dr Phil program mentioned above, Dr Phil asked Executive Producer Michael Catt, Is forgiveness and unconditional love a real message in this movie? To that Michael replied,
Oh, absolutely. I think people give up. One of the messages is that shes getting bad counsel. All of her friends are saying, Get a divorce. Hes getting good counsel to love and to forgive. I think who we listen to affects how we look at our marriage. Were influenced by the voices around us, and we need to pay attention to the people who are telling us what we need to hear, not what we want to hear. Each of you reflect and ask yourselves personally: Do I need to make changes in whom or what I listen to? Explain to your marriage partner what the Lord is impressing upon your heart. Think of one couple you know that really needs to see this movie. What can you do to get them to see it? (Suggestions: Pray for them; invite them to double-date with you to go see it; maybe offer to baby sit their kids so they can go out alone. Then, after they see it, give them a copy of these questions to go through them as a couple.)
TO PREVIEW OR PURCHASE THE BOOK, which was featured in the movie, please click onto the link provided below:
THE LOVE DARE
A few additional resources that you may GREATLY benefit from obtaining are:
The LOVE DARE Day by Day: A Year of Devotions for Couples
FIREPROOF YOUR MARRIAGE Couples Kit
FIREPROOF YOUR MARRIAGE: Leaders Guide [With Participant's Guide and 6 Session DVD]
FIREPROOF YOUR MARRIAGE: Participants Guide
ALSO
For more discussion questions, please click onto the following Christianbook.com web site link below and scroll down and you will find:
FIREPROOF DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
There is also a series of Marriage Sermons and Marriage Illustrations that could possibly help you as you reach out to improve your marriage. To see what they offer, please click onto the link provided below:
FIREPROOF SERMONS AND ILLUSTRATIONS
Also, below you will find a link to the great web site for the Association of Marriage and Family Ministries (AMFM). This website has been created for you as an individual or couple to journal your 40 Day Love DareTM experience. On this site you can write your own personal entries capturing your
experiences (totally private), and have access to their general blog. You can also use the message board to ask questions and interact with others on the journey.
To take advantage of this opportunity, please click onto the link provided below:
40 DAY LOVE DARE
There are additional blogs you can read, centering on this movie, that are posted on the web site, Fireproofthemovie.com. Please click onto the link provided below to read:
FIREPROOF BLOGS
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16 comments so far
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Paula
14 October 2008 at 3:35 am
(SOUTH AFRICA) My parents have been forwarding some of the messages to me. I would like to save them the trouble AND I can read all other articles the web site and FORWARD THEM TO OTHER FRIENDS who I feel will benefit. Keep up the good work. God Bless you in your Ministry.
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Karen
(UNITED STATES) THANK YOU. I JUST JOINED ABOUT A MONTH AGO, SO FAR SO GOOD. I LOOK FORWARD TO THE MOVIE FIREPROOF AND READING THE BOOK LOVE DARE, THANK YOU.
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Pedro
(ZIMBABWE) I AM WILLING TO SHARE AND LEARN FROM OTHER PEOPLES EXPERIENCES.
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Samantha
15 December 2008 at 9:35 am
(USA) The movie was a great blessing, convicted me on different levels. Thank you for your obedience to promote this. God Bless.
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Rob
20 December 2008 at 4:20 pm
(USA) Last night my wife and I went to the movie Fireproof. If you have not had a chance to see it yet, I urge you to take any opportunity to do so. If you have, I hope and pray that it provides as much guidance and insight to you as it did to us.
By the grace of God, I had put many of the practices that they show in the movie into motion over the last 11 months. It was heart warming to see these actions played out on the screen with the reactions and responses that we went though in our own marriage.
On the way home from the movie my wife and I were talking about the movie and our marriage. She told me that she was very proud of me for having done many of the things they suggest in the movie, without having seen the movie itself. I told her that those were not my ideas, but rather, I had asked God to guide me in the way I related and treated her. God told me that I needed to be a servant lover to her regardless of how things went.
There were many times when I felt that what I was doing was a waste of time and things would never change. I thought this way until God got through to me that I was to do these things for my wife out of love for her, rather than doing them in order to change her and to get my way. Once God finally got my attention as to WHY I was to do things, the task became much easier and with a definite purpose and reason.
God has his ways of getting things done in accordance to His plan. The night before my wife and I went to the movie we had set aside some time to discuss some issues in our marriage. It was a wonderful eye
opening experience. This discussion reaffirmed that when you make assumptions you are only asking for trouble. My wife and I had both made some wrong assumptions about various events. It was really good to clear the air and understand what each of us saw, experienced, thought, and how we each reacted. Any way, after the movie last night she said that our discussion had been like homework before going to the movie. See, God has his ways!!!
With all that being said, I have a few thoughts I would like to share. When a couple stands before God, family, friends, and say I do. That is not a contract of marriage, it is a commitment to each other and a covenant with God. A Christian marriage is not between two beings but three. Husband, Wife, and GOD. The strength of 3 strands. When we enter into marriage it is NOT what can I get out of this marriage and my spouse, rather it needs to be what can I give to my spouse to make this marriage better. All comes down to the old saying, It is better to GIVE than to receive.
My prayer for all of you, my dear friends, and for all marriages, is that we follow Gods word in how we are to live as married couples.
I realize that this is addressed to you as an individual. However, I ask that you share it with your spouse, for in marriage you are not two separate beings. In Gods eyes you are on flesh.
May you all have a wonderful Christmas Season. For His Glory!!!
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Jessica
31 January 2009 at 11:00 pm
(UNITED STATES) My husband and I watched the movie Fireproof and it shed a light on our marriage. Thanks so much it has been a blessing to us.
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Minister Mike and Wanda
20 February 2009 at 2:10 pm
(USA) We are teaching the Fireproof sessions to a small group of married and engaged couples in our church. We are amazed at how God is transforming the relationships of the couples in this group. It is such a blessing! We encourage any couple who has not seen it to make the investment in your relationship, its well worth it. Ministers Mike and Wanda, ChristianMarriageToday.com
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Denise
(USA) My husband and I were on the verge of a divorce and we started talking again we even went to a Marriage Encounter program. During the first class they talked about Fireproof so my husband and I rented it and watched it. Let me tell you how much our relationship paralleled Caleb and Catherine, even down to my crying to my friends and him telling his friends that my friends were probably hugging and crying with me haha.
Toward the end of the movie when Caleb told Catherine about how he wanted to save the marriage and then when she told him she needed time to figure things out and not knowing if she could trust him again, well let me tell you that is the same discussion that my husband and I had "to the T."
And something else that was similar was their 7 year marriage. Well, my husband and I just celebrated our 7th anniversary. I do believe this movie was made for us and through Gods undying love for us and his desire to see that we not get divorced it worked, because my husband and I now enjoy a more joyful and fulfilling relationship.
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Anne
17 March 2009 at 12:54 pm
(CANADA) I finally watched this movie with my husband and our friends. I loved it and so did my husband. The lessons were very good. It just shows what God can do to the lives of people and marriages that are on fire. We want to do the Love Dare and pray for Gods love to shine through us and our marriage. The only thing that got me scared was the realization of what my husband will do and will have to do when he becomes a fire fighter. That scared me and for a moment there, I asked God to stop him then I realised that was a selfish prayer. All in all, every couple needs to watch it.
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Ira
21 March 2009 at 1:05 pm
(LIBERIA) Excuse me. Any transition serious enough to alter your definition of self, will require not just small adjustments in your way of living and thinking, but a full-on metamorphosis. Thank you very much. Ira
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COMMUNICATION QUESTIONS To Lift Your Marriage
5 Comments
Have you ever sat in a restaurant and noticed a young couple sitting together talking, and talking, and talking? And then you notice that you and your spouse cant think of anything to talk about together except for the events of what the children did that day?
Do you need a jump-start as to some things you can discuss together that doesnt involve the children or problems? Would you like some things to discuss that will put a positive spin on your time together so you feel more connected?
There are different communication starter resources out there that can help you with that. Actually my husband Steve and I have used some of these tools and have agreed that some of our nicest conversation times have been when weve used these kinds of tools. Not all of us are as creative in thinking about different things to talk about (other than talking about the children and work and problems).
So, with that said, we want to provide a link to an article that will help you with conversation starters. You wont (and shouldnt) try to ask all of the questions at one sitting unless you want to have a marathon talking time together (which most couples wouldnt enjoy). You can make a time to be together and agree to ask 3 or so questions to each other and save the rest for other times.
Dont think about them as questions as if you were taking a test or something, but rather a discovery and connection time together. Even if youve been married 40 years or so, youll be amazed at some of the things youll find out about each other.
For the list of questions, click onto the link below (you may even want to make a copy of them so you can have them for the next several times you spend this kind of time together):
LIFT LINES
When youre done reading the above article: You can then arrow back to our web site to:
read another article or you may want to leave a comment that could help others in the space provided at the bottom of this page.
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5 comments so far
jim
1 January 2008 at 3:34 am
(USA) I want to save my marriage. I need help!!!!!!!
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Cathy
27 August 2008 at 8:30 pm
(MALAYSIA) I find your article is so interestingwill definitely give it a try Well.. been married for more than a decade and this proves to be fun.
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Terri
(CANADA) My marriage is about to end. I am not sure how to communicate with my husband and he gets very upset when all I do is ask questions when trying to start a conversation. HELP ME
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Lo
23 February 2010 at 10:22 am
(USA) Hello Terri, Your marriage does not have to end; dont despair. Communication is one of the biggest differences between men and women. This shows especially in marriage where you are partners and have to talk inorder to make decisions, plan events and most importantly companionship. Sometimes the problems we have are merely differences and we should be able to distinguish these from actual problems.
I dont know how far you have gone in the marriage and you are probably still learning about his personality. I had troubles at first because I didnt know my husband was generally the quiet type. I would think he didnt like talking to me or was angry at something. Now i know more and welcome him the few times he feels like talking. With him, I can distinguish between quiet & angry and quiet & good. I avoid conversing when it looks bad and only stick to necessary talk. When he is in a good mood, i do the talking and appreciate whatever responses he has, be it nods , mmmmm or smiles. But sometimes we actually have good laughs when there is news to share.
Does he have special tv programs he likes? Watching them together will bring up good conversation starters in an atmosphere he is comfortable with. This is different from lets talk which seems forced.
Hope you understand that eating dinner together, doing his favourite activities, looking at photo albums, praying together and all other efforts to work towards unity count as credits to the build up of good communication. We should genuinely seek to understand our spouses by taking advantage of whatever opportunities we get as few or little as they may be. The problems come when we are impatient and our efforts seem hurried/forced and we look panicky.
I would advise you to hang in there and put your worries in prayer. God is always there to listen. He will work wonders in ways we cant imagine. In the mean time, your actions speak louder than words. Let your husband enjoy your acts of love and understanding as unto the Lord. Even the peace in your heart will be a reward fom God.
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Michelle
6 April 2010 at 12:43 pm
(US) I have been married for year and a half and it is about to end. My husband takes everything personal. Before we got married and just dating I agreed to give up my own place to move into his parents house so they wouldnt lose it. Now if we end our marriage I have no place to go cause we havent saved money. I dont make much like I used to and he spends all his our money that isnt together. I pay all of our and my son Healths teeth, eye ins so I pay altogether 450.00 the first of the month. When I ask for money he will stay on me to pay it back and when I cant he gets mad.
He is drinking and was better and the past few weeks he has been drinking a lot. I have health problems and he doesnt understand. I dont know what to do? Help
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WEEKLY CONNECTION TIMES With Your Spouse
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This is a time to help you grow closer to each othernot drive a wedge between you. Work to make this a productive communication time rather than a negative one.
FOR CONNECTION TIME TOGETHER:
Start your time together in prayer asking for Gods guidance and leading.
(Optional) Go over the Marriage Checkup List and scriptures together so you continue to live out the principles that are important to your marriage. (These are scriptures, and principles youve worked on together that exemplify the values you want to live by.)
ASK: Is there anything thats currently unresolved that we need to talk about? (If a difficult conflict comes up, review and use the helpful guidelines for resolving difficult conflicts as your guide.)
ASK: Are there any family matters or parenting issues that we need to discuss?
ASK: Is there anything coming up on out calendar that we need to discuss or prepare for?
ASK: Are there any household or yard tasks that need to be accomplished?
SHARE: What has the Lord been showing you in His Word, and in your life?
SHARE: What has been a blessing to you in your life this week.?
SHARE: What has been weighing heavily on your heart?
ASK: What can I be praying for you this next week?
END YOUR TIME IN PRAYER WITH AND FOR EACH OTHER.
The above document was put together by Steve and Cindy Wright. You may find that you want to adapt it differently for your needs. Schedule this time together either weekly or bi-weekly so you dont lose touch in communicating with each other on areas that affect your lives together.
The amount of times you schedule this isnt as important as MAKING THE TIME A PRIORITY. If youre both in partnership agreement that it needs to be done less or more often, then THATS how often you should put this time on your schedule. But just DO IT!
ALSO
A related Kyria.com article written by Carolyn and Craig Williford:
CONNECTION TIME: Devotions in Disguise
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Your Personal Ten Marriage Commandments
2 Comments
Everyone lives by a set of rules that is rarely spoken but always known. Needless to say, unspoken rules become more vocal when our spouse breaks them. This became painfully obvious to us when we visited our families for the first time as a married couple.
One Christmas, we flew from Los Angeles to Chicago to be with our families for the holidays. The first night was at my (Leslies) house. As was my familys custom, I woke up early in the morning to squeeze in every possible minute with my family. Les, on the other hand, slept in.
I interpreted Less sleeping as avoidance and rejection and felt he did not value time with my family. Its embarrassing to me, I told Les. Everyone is up and eating in the kitchen. Dont you want to be with us?
Les, on the other hand, didnt understand my intensity. What did I do? Im just catching up from jet lag. Ill come down after my shower, he said. As I found out later, Les expected a slower, easier pace during the holidays, because thats the way it was at his house.
In this incident, Les had broken a rule he didnt know existed, and I discovered a rule I had never put into words. Both of us felt misunderstood and frustrated. We both had our own ideas about what was acceptable, and it never occurred to either of us that our expectations would be so different. Each of us became irritated by the others unspoken expectations and frustrated that the other did not live by the same rules.
Since that first Christmas we have learned to discuss our secret expectations and make our silent rules known. We have also helped the couples we counsel to become more aware of their own unspoken rules, to keep little problems from becoming big ones. Here is a sampling of the rules we have heard from other couples:
Dont interrupt anothers work. Dont ask for help unless you are desperate. Downplay your successes. Dont talk about money in public. Never call attention to yourself. Dont volunteer to help. Dont work too long or too hard. Dont get sick. Never raise your voice. Dont talk about your body. Dont show up late.
Clean the kitchen before you go to bed. Dont talk about your feelings. Dont drive fast. Never buy dessert at a restaurant. Dont be too serious abut anything. Dont buy expensive gifts.
Are you walking through a marital minefield of unspoken rules? The exercise Your Personal Ten Commandments can help you heighten your awareness of your unspoken rules and thus avoid needless explosions. It will help you recognize that you are free to accept, reject, challenge, and change the rules for the sake of your relationship.
Exercise: Your Personal Ten Commandments. This exercise is designed to help you uncover some of your unspoken rules. It will take about 15 to 20 minutes. Try to articulate some of the unspoken rules you grew up with. Take your time to think it over.
These rules are generally so ingrained that we are rarely aware of them. Once both of you have articulated your personal 10 commandments, share them with each other. Are there rules you would like to change? Take a moment to discuss how unspoken rules might affect your marriage.
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Anytime you have a fight or disagreement, ask yourself: Is this fight a result of one of us breaking an unspoken rule? If so, add that rule to your list, and discuss with your spouse how you will handle that situation in the future.
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The above article is excerpted from the book, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, published by Zondervan Publishing. This book is based on the fact that marriage doesnt have to be a gamble.
This book cuts to the heart of every marital conflict. Whether single and dating, in a committed relationship, contemplating marriage, or already ensconced in one, this book will help you learn the skills youll need for a lasting and happy life together-before unhappiness sets in. Theyve also written two workbooks as companions to this book, one for the man and one for the woman. The twenty-one self-tests in the workbooks will help you and your partner put into action what is taught in this book. As
an additional help, they have provided questions for reflection at the end of each chapter that are suitable as discussion starters for couples or small groups. Finally, if you would like to bring this program to your church or small group setting, a video curriculum is available, also entitled, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts.
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2 comments so far
Scolty
(BOTSWANA) Its good to have commandments because you cannot operate something sensitive like this without principles/commandments. Thats why when you buy a machine something important you need is a manual, so that you dont destroy anything. We put up principles/commandments so that we dont fall into situations that will be difficult to decide.
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Wamaitha
29 October 2009 at 12:43 pm
(KENYA) This is of great help to us married people who have lived long, unforgiving lives as we have suffered abuse and a lot of hurt.
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An Outrageous Commitment Marriage Message #170
The Mission Of Your Marriage And Family
5 Comments
If we were to ask you the mission of your marriage or family could you or your spouse or your children clearly articulate it?
In 1963 a study during the Kennedy Administration concluded that America had shifted its focus from the family to the workplace. JFKs words, Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country, gave people the inspiration to make something of their lives. In the aftermath lay the broken and shattered families that we deal with today.
Every couple can develop a family Mission Statement by following the four outlined below.
Step #1 Determine Your Core Values
What matters to you? What matters to your spouse? Your kids? Core values are simply those people, activities, beliefs, or things that matter most, ranging from concepts like love and acceptance, to something material like a house. Core Values are different for every person.
Some would say that only concepts can be values. We have experienced, however, that values are often expressed by the activities in which we participate or the feelings that a particular place or object might generate within us.
For example, Laura grew up in Atlanta, Georgia, a major metropolitan area where anything and everything is easily accessible. I grew up in Petoskey, Michigan, a classic small Midwestern town. For the first three years of our marriage we lived in Atlanta. Laura thought life was wonderful, but I was less comfortable living in the metropolitan jungle.
It was Laura who suggested we pursue moving to Michigan. It was Laura who first thought that Alma was the town for us. It is now Laura who wouldnt leave Alma for anything in the world. Her Core Values now include the benefits of small town living. Thus, places and things while they may not be values in concept do generate within us feelings and emotions that can be categorized as values.
The first step in developing a Family Mission Statement is to list your Core Values. Now, dont sit down one night at the dinner table and try to think of everything that is important to you. Its simply not possible.
Start with a manila envelope or file folder. Keep it accessible and in plain sight. Each day write down one Core Value, and place it in the envelope. Sometimes a Core Value will become evident while youre driving to work or the store, or enter your conscious reality through the verse of song or a line in a poem. Discussion of an issue over a meal or date may identify a Core Value. Please dont rush the process; allow 30 to 60 days to generate as many values as you can.
Now take a Saturday morning, a Sunday evening, or whenever is convenient and dump all the Core Values you have written on a table. Categorize them by topic or any logical category that makes sense to you.
If you dont understand a particular value that your spouse has written, take the time to have her explain it to you. It may be a value you already share. For example, one value that Laura identified was fun. I didnt completely grasp the meaning until she explained that it was important for her to be stimulated by experiences we would share. Suddenly what Laura had written made perfect sense.
Pay particular attention to Core Values that you both wrote down. They will be a great bridge to build on in step #2.
Step #2. Discover Your Central Core Value
In youth ministry, we played a game with the teens that went along with the focus that night of priorities. It was a fun game, and gave us some deep insight into what really mattered to them.
We passed out pads and pencils and asked them to list the ten most important things in their life, explaining that things could mean anything from people to ideas to material possessions-anything they felt they couldnt live without.
We strongly encouraged the kids to make choices based on their true feelings and beliefs, explaining that the root of the word belief means to live by. Their decisions should be based on what they were prepared to live by, not just what they thought sounded impressive.
Next we told them to choose two they would give up, decreasing their list to eight items. For some, choosing was easy; for others it was a little more painful and time consuming.
The process was repeated, paring their list down to six, then four, then two, then one. We wanted to find out what was of highest importance in these kids lives.
The discussion which followed was prodded by the question, Tell us why you chose to leave behind what you did and why you kept what you did?
Forever ingrained in my memory are the words, Why cant you be more like your sister? I am sure many of you share a similar memory. My persistent retort echoed, Because I am not my sister, I am me! As a result, one of my central Core Values is to be unique. Whatever I do, how I decorate my house, how I dress, how I live my life, I want to be unique. I want to be me!
Hopefully, youre already a step ahead of us. Write down your top ten Core Values as a couple or a family.
Now comes the process of discovering your Central Core Value. The way to do this is through open discussion, asking each other which of these values you could live without if you absolutely had to. Start by paring your list down to eight, then six, and so on until you identify (through mutual consent and support) that single Core Value around which you will build your lives.
This process may be intense. For some the paring process could take weeks or months of discussion, prayer, and soul searching. For others, it may not be that difficult, as you discover that even though you may express it in different terms, you and your spouse are on the same page when it comes to your Core Values.
After discovering that Central Core Value, you will be ready for the third step:
Step #3. Devise Your Family Mission Statement
To successfully devise your Family Mission Statement, we recommend a formula. It is not the end all, be all, but it does provide a solid foundation for you and your family to build a mission statement that is poignant, pregnant, and bursting forth with truths to live by.
First review the Core Values on your top ten list and find the final three to five. These additional Core Values are what we call Subsequent Core Values. They are not your Central Core Value, but are of extremely high importance to you. If you examine them closely, they may support or parallel the achievement of your Central Core Value.
Our Family Mission To encourage others to become like Christ through loving relationships, healthy lifestyles, and stimulating experiences.
The formula is quite simple and reads as follows: To (insert Central Core Value here) by [or through] (insert three to five Subsequent Core Values here). Sounds too simple, doesnt it? Formulas cant be that easy-or can they?
Lets look at our Mission Statement again. Our Central Core Value was encouraging others to become like Christ. This surpassed our immediate family to include the people that we encounter in Alma every day and through many speaking and workshop settings across the country. We accomplish this through our Subsequent Core Values of loving relationships (with our family and friends), healthy lifestyles (balancing all areas of life), and stimulating experiences (a phrase which encompasses Lauras idea of fun).
Developing a Family Mission Statement will help you step off the treadmill and begin to move in the direction the Lord has given you. Focusing on the values you hold dear in your life will help you stay on course and not allow you to stray back to the treadmill.
After Jay and I completed this process, I had to evaluate my activities and decide whether they were keeping me on the treadmill or facilitating the accomplishment of my mission. While they were all worthy causes, I now had the freedom to say no.
Step #4 Develop Personal Habits
Your final step in the Family Mission Statement process is to give you and your family a framework in which to live out your mission. Again, this may seem too simple, but the best way is to review the Core Values your family recorded in the file folder. These can ultimately be expressed as habits you and your spouse or family desire to practice. Here are the Laffoons 25 Habits of the House:
Habits of Our Home We obey the Lord Jesus Christ. We love, honor and pray for each other. We tell the truth. We consider one anothers interest ahead of our own. We do not hurt each other with unkind words or deeds. We speak quietly and respectfully to one another. When someone is sorry, we forgive him. When someone is happy, we rejoice with him. When someone is sad, we comfort him. When someone needs correction, we correct him in love. When we have something nice to share, we share it. We take good care of everything God has given us. We do not create unnecessary work for others. When we have work to do, we do it without complaining. When we open something, we close it. When we turn something on, we turn it off. When we dont know what to do, we ask. When we take something out, we put it away. When we make a mess, we clean it up. We arrive on time.
We do what we say. We finish what we start. We say please and thank you. When we go out, we act as if we are in this house. When necessary, we accept discipline and instruction.
Now you possess power and freedom you may have never experienced before. The reality is that these documents both the Family Mission Statement, and the Habits of the House are Living Documents. They are not etched on tablets of stone and may need to be reviewed and revised from time to time, but they do provide guidelines to build a home filled with celebration.
The above article comes from the humorous book, Make Love Everyday, by Jay and Laura Laffoon, published by Celebrate Press. It gives 12 ways to celebrate your marriage and gives couples permission to celebrate, plus shows them how to live with respect, ceremony, and festivity. Jay and Laura are great at encouraging couples to enjoy being married. They do this through telling stories and giving Biblical truth and practical advice. This is a fun book to read that can inspire and challenge you to celebrate your own marriage.
Jay and Laura are an inspirational duo whose conferences offer unique opportunities for celebration. They focus on Biblical principles that will transform your marriage. They can be reached at http://celebrateyourmarriage.com.
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5 comments so far
Lisa
31 January 2008 at 8:51 pm
(USA) Thank you for putting this online! It was very helpful!!
Reply
Robert
7 September 2008 at 7:43 pm
(USA) Thank you for sharing and putting this on line. it has been extremely helpful.
Regards,
Reply
Obert
(SWAZILAND) I wish to live a happy marriage ever after.
Reply
Pastor Steve
16 July 2009 at 5:43 am
(USA) Cant wait to hear from staff and leaders about their progress in taking the time to understake this most important strategic piece to a biblically healthy family. God bless you all as you progress!
Reply
Pastor Steve
23 July 2009 at 2:55 pm
(USA) Would love to hear from other staff and leaders, are you all out there? Blessings, Steve
Reply
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Decision-Making CHECKLIST
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All of us will find ourselves having to make decisions from time-to-time. We pray you will find it to be helpful to assist you in making decisions from a God-honoring stand-point!
Ask yourself the following:
Have I asked for Gods help?
Do I show my trust for God with every area of my life, not merely this decision?
Am I operating on the basis of good reasons rather than changing feelings?
Am I filling my mind with Gods Word so that my mind is being transformed?
Are there biblical commands or principles that apply to my specific situation?
What are the alternatives and consequences of each possible option? How do these fare when evaluated by what the Bible says?
Do my abilities and weaknesses have a bearing on the decision? How?
Will the outcome of this decision glorify God, build me up spiritually, and edify others?
Have I sought out worthy advisers CHECKLIST?
Have I carefully evaluated the advice, not merely accepted or rejected it?
Is this decision a matter of my own freedom *and is this what God ultimately wants]?
Do I have peace that my decision is right?
Would waiting be profitable or detrimental?
Am I determined to obey and please God?
And lastly, a few comments that we at Marriage Missions would like to add:
Make sure that whatever decision you make does not contradict scripture. Sometimes we will rationalize a type of peace of mind that God loves us too much to want us in a certain situation. We rationalize in our human minds that a loving God would not want me to be unhappy, therefore He would have me do things a different way.
As a result of that, we feel a sense of peace of mind that the conclusion weve come to is the right one even though it contradicts Gods word. God doesnt talk in the Bible about His ultimate good for us being happiness but perfecting us into the character of Jesus.
God doesnt tell everyone else through the Bible to do things one way but bends them for you. That is projecting upon God what we want to think rather than what He really says to be true.
So make sure that the decision you have made doesnt contradict what the Bible says otherwise youve been deceived and need to pray more about it. The decisions you make need to be wise in the Lord. You want to lean upon the Lords understanding not your own. The Bible says in Proverbs 3:5-6:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and He will make your paths straight.
The above check list was written by Dr Steve Dowdle who is a Counseling Pastor with Casas Adobes Baptist Church located in Tucson, Arizona in the USA.
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An Outrageous Commitment Marriage Message #170
Resolving Conflict Guidelines (Condensed Version)
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Below are suggested guidelines to help you to honor each other while you are working through disagreements with each other.
We will start by praying together for tender hearts and wisdomcommitting to come together in a spirit of humility and reconciliation considering the health of our partnership as more important than our individual interests.
We commit to handle ourselves with maturity being quick to listen and slow to speak reaching for the goal of continually trying to better understand each other.
We will speak the truth in love respectfully honoring each others feelings.
We wont allow our discussion to escalate into yelling or name-calling. And we will refrain from provoking each other by delivering cheap shotssarcasm, innuendos, and rudeness which complicates the issues. If that happens well call for a time-out and come back together at an agreed upon time.
We commit to MEAN what we say so neither one of us is put into the position of being expected to read the other persons mind.
We will stick to the subject at handnot allowing our discussion to sidetrack onto any other grievance at this time. (Other issues can be dealt with at another time.)
We will avoid using never and always statements seeking to be accurate, truthful, and realistic in what we say.
We will seek to express our own feelings over the matter and speak to each other in I feel statements (explaining our own perspective) rather than in you statements pointed at our spouse accusing them of feelings they may not have. (An example of this would be: I feel lonely when youre gone so much, rather than You never come home.)
We will refrain from playing the blame game and will each look for the plank in our own eye rather than the speck in our spouses.
We will apologize and sincerely ask for forgiveness for whatever way that we have hurt our spouse and for whatever tension weve caused in our marital relationship.
We will work to forgive each other as Christ has forgiven usnever again reminding our spouse of the pain for which weve said weve forgiven them. And well make daily choices not to dwell on those painful thoughts in the future.
We will end our time together in prayer giving thanks for what weve learned about our relationship with each other. We will each ask God to bless our spouse and help us to be a blessing to them knowing that is our mission because of our marriage vows.
We commit to follow these guidelines:
Signed: ______________________ and _________________________.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The above guidelines came to us from various sources some suggested some our own and some from other sources that had no authors attached to them (so we cant give them proper credit). We pray they will be of help to you as you work to resolve conflicts within your marriage. Please feel free to copy and adapt them in any way that works for you.
There is also a more detailed version of this document in the Communication Tools section of this web site with scriptures added that you might find helpful to review with your spouse at some point.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-ALSO-
Below is a link to Gary Smalleys web site which has an article posted that could also help you in this area of communication. You may want to add or substitute several of the points listed onto the document featured above. Please click onto the link below to read:
RULES FOR COUPLES CONFLICT
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1 comment so far
Bryan
28 November 2010 at 4:15 pm
(USA) This is very helpful advice. Thank you for this website. We are using these resources in a marriage group.
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12 Questions To Ask Before Making An Important Decision

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12 Questions To Ask Before Making An Important Decision

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12 Questions To Ask Before Making An Important Decision

Topic(s): Communication Tools

1. The MISSION question: Does this decision support my life mission?

6. OTHERS FIRST question: How will others be affected by this decision?

7. The LEGAL question: Is it legal?

8. The COST question: What will this decision cost me?

9. The MOTIVE question: What do I get out of this decision?

12. The COMMITMENT question: Do I plan to commit to my decision?

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COMMUNICATION TOOLS For Couples

Topic(s): Communication Tools, Home Page

THE CREATIVE NUMBER TECHNIQUE:

#1: I really dont want to do this.

#2: I dont want to do this, but Im willing to talk about it.

#3: I dont care one way or another.

#4: Id like to do this, but I wont die if we dont.

#5: Yes, this is very, very important to me.

THE PENCIL METHOD:

Whoever holds the pencil gets to do the talking.

Flip a coin and get started.

The H.A.L.T. METHOD of Dealing with Issues:

THE 3 PLUS 3 RULE

The GIFT EXERCISE:

and scroll down to read:

The GIFT Exercise (as well as the Digging Deeper Exercise)

The STOP STRATEGY:

THE PAUSE PRINCIPLE:

The P.A.U.S.E. Principle

PEACEFULLY RESOLVING ANGER:

On a 3X5 card, write the following words:

MAKING AN ANTI-DIVORCE CONTRACT

Creating Relational Security Through an Anti-Divorce Contract

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18 June 2009 at 1:03 am

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Scriptures to Bring You Closer Together in Your Marriage

Topic(s): Communication Tools, Spiritual Matters

May God bless you in this effort!

50. An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips. (Proverbs 24:26)