NYTIMES March 18, 2011

Dont Call Me, I Wont Call You

By PAMELA PAUL

NOBODY calls me anymore and thats just fine. With the exception of immediate family members, who mostly phone to discuss medical symptoms and arrange child care, and the Roundabout Theater fund-raising team, which takes a diabolical delight in phoning me every few weeks at precisely the moment I am tucking in my children, people just dont call. Its at the point where when the phone does ring and its not my mom, dad, husband or baby sitter my first thought is: Whats happened? Whats wrong? My second thought is: Isnt it weird to just call like that? Out of the blue? With no e-mailed warning? I dont think its just me. Sure, teenagers gave up the phone call eons ago. But Im a long way away from my teenage years, back when the key rite of passage was getting a phone in your bedroom or (cue Molly Ringwald gasp) a line of your own. In the last five years, full-fledged adults have seemingly given up the telephone land line, mobile, voice mail and all. According to Nielsen Media, even on cellphones, voice spending has been trending downward, with text spending expected to surpass it within three years. I literally never use the phone, Jonathan Adler, the interior designer, told me. (Alas, by phone, but it had to be.) Sometimes I call my mother on the way to work because shell be happy to chitty chat. But I just cant think of anyone else whod want to talk to me. Then again, he doesnt want to be called, either. Ive learned not to press ignore on my cellphone because then people know that youre there. I remember when I was growing up, the rule was, Dont call anyone after 10 p.m., Mr. Adler said. Now the rule is, Dont call anyone. Ever. Phone calls are rude. Intrusive. Awkward. Thank you for noticing something that millions of people have failed to notice since the invention of the telephone until just now, Judith Martin, a k a Miss Manners, said by way of opening our phone conversation. Ive been hammering away at this for decades. The telephone has a very rude propensity to interrupt people. Though the beast has been somewhat tamed by voice mail and caller ID, the phone caller still insists, Ms. Martin explained, that we should drop whatever were doing and listen to me. Even at work, where people once managed to look busy by wearing a headset or constantly parrying calls back and forth via a harried assistant, the offices are silent. The reasons are multifold. Nobody has assistants anymore to handle telecommunications. And in todays nearly door-free workplaces, unless everyone is on the phone, calls are disruptive and, in a tight warren of cubicles, distressingly public. Does anyone want to hear me detail to the dentist the havoc six-year molars have wreaked on my daughter? When I walk around the office, nobody is on the phone, said Jonathan Burnham, senior vice president and publisher at HarperCollins. The nature of the rare business call has also changed. Phone calls used to be everything: serious, light, heavy, funny, Mr. Burnham said. But now they tend to be things that are very focused. And almost everyone e-mails first and asks, Is it O.K. if I call? Even in fields where workers of various stripes (publicists, agents, salespeople) traditionally conducted much of their business by phone, hoping to catch a coveted decision-maker off-guard or in a down moment, the phone stays on the hook. When Matthew Ballast, an executive director for publicity at Grand Central Publishing, began working in book publicity 12 years ago, he would go down his list of people to cold call, then follow up two or three times, also by phone. I remember five years ago, I had a pad with a list of calls I had to return, he said. Now, he talks by phone two or three times a day. You pretty much call people on the phone when you dont understand their e-mail, he said. Phone call appointments have become common in the workplace. Without them, theres no guarantee your call will be returned. Only people Ive ruthlessly hounded call me back, said Mary Roach, author of Packing for Mars. Writers and others who work alone can find the silence isolating. But if I called my editor and agent every time I wanted to chat, I think theyd say, Oh no, Mary Roach is calling again. So Ive pulled back, just like everyone else. Whereas people once received and made calls with friends on a regular basis, we now coordinate such events via e-mail or text. When college roommates used to call (at least two reunions ago), I would welcome their vaguely familiar voices. Now, were one of them to call on a Tuesday evening, my first reaction would be alarm. Phone calls from anyone other than immediate family tend to signal bad news.

Receiving calls on the cellphone can be a particular annoyance. First, theres the assumption that youre carrying the thing at all times. For those in homes with stairs, the cellphone siren can send a person scrambling up and down flights of steps in desperate pursuit. Having the cellphone in hand doesnt necessarily lessen the burden. After all, someone might actually be using the phone: someone who is in the middle of scrolling through a Facebook photo album. Someone who is playing Cut the Rope. Someone who is in the process of painstakingly touch-tapping an important e-mail. For the most part, assiduous commenting on a friends Facebook updates and periodically e-mailing promises to catch up by phone soon substitute for actual conversation. With friends who merit face time, arrangements are carried out via electronic transmission. We do everything by text and e-mail, said Laurie David, a Hollywood producer and author. It would be strange at this point to try figuring all that out by phone. Of course, immediate family members still phone occasionally. Its useful for catching up on parenting issues with your ex-husband, said Ms. David, who used to be married to Larry David, the star of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Sometimes when you dont want to type it all, its just easier to talk. But even sons, husbands and daughters dont always want to chat. In our text-heavy world, mothers report yearning for the sound of their teenage and adult childrens voices. Im sort of missing the phone, said Lisa Birnbach, author of True Prep and mother of three teenagers. Its warmer and more honest. That said, her landline has become a kind of vestigial part of my house like the intercom buttons once used in my prewar building to contact the servants quarters. When the phone rings, 9 times out of 10, its her mother. There are holdouts. Radhika Jones, an assistant managing editor at Time magazine, still has a core group of friends she talks to by phone. Ive always been a big phone hound, she said. My parents can tell you about the days before call waiting. Yet even she has slipped into new habits: Voice mails from her husband may not get listened to until end of day. Phone messages are returned by e-mail. At least youre responding! But heaven forbid you actually have to listen especially to voice mail. The standard let the audience know this person is a loser scene in movies where the forlorn heroine returns from a night of cat-sitting to an answering machine that bleats you have no messages would cause confusion with contemporary viewers. Who doesnt heave a huge sigh of relief to find theres no voice mail? Is it worth punching in a protracted series of codes and passwords to listen to some three-hour-old voice say, call me when you could glance at caller ID and return the call or better yet, e-mail back instead? Many people dont even know how their voice mail works. Ive lost that skill, Ms. Birnbach said. I have no idea how to check it, Ms. David admitted. I can stay in a hotel for three days with that little red light blinking and never listen. I figure, if someone needs to reach me, theyll e-mail. I dont check these messages often, intoned a discouraging recorded voice, urging callers to try email. And this is the voice-mail recording of Claude S. Fischer, author of a book on the history of the telephone and more recently, Still Connected: Family and Friends in America Since 1970. When the telephone first appeared, there were all kinds of etiquette issues over whom to call and who should answer and how, Dr. Fischer, a sociology professor at the University of California, Berkeley, told me when finally reached by phone. Among the upper classes, for example, it was thought that the butler should answer calls. For a long time, inviting a person to dinner by telephone was beyond the pale; later, the rules softened and it was O.K. to call to ask someone to lunch. Telephones were first sold exclusively for business purposes and only later as a kind of practical device for the home. Husbands could phone wives when traveling on business, and wives could order their groceries delivered. Almost immediately, however, people began using the telephone for social interactions. The phone companies tried to stop that for about 30 years because it was considered improper usage, Dr. Fischer said. We may be returning to the phones original intentions and impact. I can tell you exactly the last time someone picked up the phone when I called, Mary Roach said. It was two months ago and I said: Whoa! You answered your phone! It was a P.R. person. She said, Yeah, I like to answer the phone. Both were startled to be voice-to-voice with another unknown, unseen human being.