the fanciest newspaper in pittsburgh

November 4, 2011 Volume 4, Issue 10 pittifulnews.com

Es tab l i s hed b y h ip st er s i n a yea r yo u ve p ro b ab l y n e ver h eard o f

Who Buys Newspapers?

120% 100%

Where Do All the Animals Go?

EMILY CROUSHORE senior writer

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PR representative went on to say, after extensive testing it was WILLIAM BUTLER found that the optimal weight to senior writer swing speed ratio is hit at around 5-10 pages. Any fewer and the Today, the New York Times released its decision to re- bug might live, any heavier and move all news articles in favor of your accuracy starts to decrease just a daily crossword puzzle and exponentially. (Ed. The Pittiful News recommends a swingadvertisements. wildly-over-and-over-whileThe paper admitted that screaming-like-a-little-girl it had been heading along this method. What? It works for me!) road for years, and polls had The sales of physical pashowed that over 95% of the subper newspapers have been declinscribers only used the paper for crossword puzzles, followed close- ing since the end of the Victorian Age, after which the traditional ly by grocery lists. Extra, extra, read all about it! The press release went on boy sadly fell out of fashion. to say that the only reason they Current statistics show kept printing it on so much paper was that they feared it would that roughly 0% of people under stop being as effective in serving CONTINUED ON PAGE 4 as a bug killer. But exactly as the

Having Cross Words

Do you ever wonder, when you look to the sky, where the birds, lions, tigers and bears (Oh my!) disappear to while the residents of Pittsburgh remain to endure the citys brutal, oneof-a-kind winter storms? Well, I have and thus I have discovered that the whole idea of hibernating to pleasant places like the south during the winter is a myth. Instead, the cute cuddly critters of Pittsburgh rendezvous to Animal House. Ironic, eh? NO! CONTINUED ON PAGE 2
IN THIS ISSUE page 2 pun of the week page 3 weekly forecast the weekly briefing words to impress the ladies page 4 britney spears halloween costume

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the pittiful news

november 4, 2011

Its tough to be an accountant in Afghanistan due to the tally ban.

ALEX SEMIDEI Senior Contributor

lounging, and forgetting the worries and struggles of hunting, burying acorns, and finding comfortable caves to sleep in for months on end. How could this phenomenon have slipped by us so nonchalantly? Perhaps its the layers upon layers of scarves, hats, neck-warmers, long-johns, Under Armor, etc. that leave the average Pittsburghian blind to these animals disappearance. Nonetheless, we must unite and protest this behavior. If we, as citizens of this cold city, must withstand the belowfreezing temperatures, falling icicles, and delayed bus schedules, then these animals must also! Who died and gave them the right to party it up in Miami just because they can fly or eat us? If

Birds of passage can be seen drinking gin and juice in the winter months. CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 Recent sightings of thousands of animals, big and small, flightless and soaring, carnivores and vegans alike travel to Miami, Florida, where they spend the frigid winter months partying, drinking,

anyone (or thing) should be complaining, I say that we have the right to protest such atrocities considering the fact that we, as people, do not have the luxury of being completely covered in inches thick of fur, feathers, or hair. My North Face can only take so much! Further still, it is a basic concept of laws and regulations. Primarily, do these animals have sufficient identification to be clubbing and buying alcohol? I highly doubt that most of these animals that hibernate are twenty-one years old, and thus should not be engaging in such illegal activities. If the city of Miami will not turn down these nuisances, then, so be it, we must stop this partying behavior and enforce our laws so as to show who is at the top of the food chain. Are you with me?

Cl a ssy Wome n of T he Ma ury Povic h Show

the pittiful news W E E KLY F OR C AST

november 4, 2011

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The Weekly Briefing

KELSEY HENKE Editor-in-chief New Line of Alcohol-Related Goggles to Hit Market This Winter The National Goggle Corporation announced this week that they will be adding to their line of goggles in early December. The companys principal product, the beer goggle, has become a cultural staple since its introduction 5,000 years ago, enabling men and women across the globe to choose subpar nighttime companions. A new report details the effects of the 12 new perception-altering goggle styles that will be introduced this winter. Among them are the Vladimir Goggle which makes the wearer look broker than everyone else around them, the Whiskey Goggle which makes everyone around the wearer seem like a potential combatant and the Four Loko Goggle

that his girlfriend of three weeks was a violent snuggler. In reports he made to close friends, Martin described his lady friends cuddling as suffocating and aggressive, equating her behavior to that of a boa constrictor, a backpack or a one-size-too-small pair of assless chaps. A background check revealed that the woman in question also has a criminal history of pet-name overusage and pointless story telling. Survey Conducted About Illegal Double Dutching A recent survey on the topic of double dutch revealed interesting At closing time, theres no such thing as ugly women new findings. 40% of students who took the survey said that which makes bathtubs and they have seen or participated in strangers porches look like an ap- either the jumping over or swingpropriate place to take a snooze. ing of ropes at least once in the past year. 1 in 6 students have reported that they double dutch Local Man Reports Contact with a on a regular basis. 85% report Vicious Snuggler that they would support double This Wednesday Pittsburgh resi- dutch legalization. dent Martin Decandles discovered

You must work at Subway because you give me a footlong.

ALEX SEMEDEI Senior Contributor

W O R D S TO I M P R E S S T H E L A D I E S

the pittiful news

november 4, 2011

Britney Spears Continues to Wear Halloween Costume Three Years Later

MACKENZIE PETERSON Staff Writer Britney Spears is finally giving Lady Gaga a run for her money! Whereas Lady Gaga stayed incubated in the Grammy egg-like vessel for a mere 72 hours, Britney Spears has donned her Halloween costume for a staggering three years. Her Uh-Oh Oreo zombie costume has drawn great support from critics and fans alike. Shes taken performance art to a whole new level, gushes self-proclaimed number one fan Tamica Patricks. The twenty-nine year old Southern pop sensation began wearing the costume coincidentally after a flood of personal catastrophes, including losing the custody of her two children and being forcibly institutionalized at the Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center. [Spears] has been able to work through all her personal trials, and her commitment to her reverse zombie costume is clear proof that she is again in control of her life and ready to take over Hollywood for a second time, comments Spearss

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 18 read a newspaper regularly, and that number doesnt really start to increase until the age hits 35. Women who have resigned themselves to spinstership starting at 25 make up a majority of these younger readers. Almost all senior citizens use the paper, however, and when asked the unanimous response was Crosswords preceded only by Get the hell off my lawn! The New York Times is only the first to make this tough call, but it is assumed that other papers such as USA Today, The Philadelphia Inquirer, The Wall Street Journal, and The L.A. Times will shortly be following suit. One might wonder, with all these major newspapers giving up the ghost, what will happen to the best-possiblenewspaper? Let me reassure you of the following, a statement that will never change: The Pittiful News has remained steadfast in our conviction to real, honest news, and will never forfeit our journalism simply to save money or fit a crossword puzzle in our paper. No, we will remain a steadfast Titan in a sea of tugboats; while others give in to the tide, we would be proud to go down in a blaze of glory! We thoroughly encourage a petition to change the format of The Pitt News, however, and the more phone-calls and emails you can throw their way the better. Make sure they keep the Sudokus; I need something to do during class.

publicist. The public has also taken a liking to how Spears has added her own creative spin on the costume itself. Any star could dress up as a dead person, but Britney has gone and dressed up as a person who is living on the outside yet quite dead on the inside. It was this sort of out of the box thinking that brought the teen idol to fame in the beginning of her farstretching career, and has so far been her ticket to maintaining such an impressive legacy. The key for Britney, of course, has been nailing the details of the costume, and she has succeeded flawlessly with such features as her regret-filled eyes and her onthe-verge-of-tears smile. Keep up the good work, Britney!

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CONTRIBUTING STAFF Kelsey Henke Wills Butler John Lee Emily Croushore Mackenzie Peterson Editor-In-Chief Senior Writer Content Editor Senior Writer Staff Writer