THE GIFTIE GIEN US

The Giftie Gi'en Us

A LOOK AT SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE

GURMEET MATTU
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THE GIFTIE GIEN US

A short stage play by

GURMEET MATTU

The Gifte Gien Us is brought to you by Novel2Ebook.com and is 1992, Gurmeet Mattu. All rights reserved. The publishers grant you the right to copy and share this publication subject to the following conditions. You may NOT take individual content and reuse it in any way. You may NOT sell this publication. You may NOT amend the publication.
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The Giftie Gi'en Us

AUTHORS INTODUCTION

In 1992 I was asked by 7:84 Theatre Company to contribute to Scotland Matters. Scotland Matters was a collaborative show, made up of 10 short plays and 7:84 was a Scottish left-wing agitprop theatre group. The name came from a statistic, published in The Economist in 1966, that 7% of the population of the UK owned 84% of the state's wealth. The group was originally founded by playwright John McGrath in 1971, and operated throughout Great Britain. In 1973, it split into 7:84 (England) and 7:84 (Scotland). The idea of devolution or even independence for Scotland was once again rearing its head and 7:84 wanted to gauge what the general feeling was. Now, to look at me or even to hear my name, you wouldnt imagine I was Scottish, but I was born in this fair land and, apart from a brief sojourn in London, I have lived here all my life. I love this country and believe it deserves to be independent, to such an extent that I have appeared in a TV Party Political Broadcast in support of the Scottish National Party. Of the plays contributed mine was the most political, though seen through my own comedic eye, and portrayed Captain Caledonia, a super hero invented by a London advertising agency, to represent Scotland. The head of the agency who is English, is also going through a divorce from his Scottish wife.

The Cast: Captain Caledonia - Matthew Costello (who Id first worked with back in 1984 on Citizen Singh, my first stage play) Trevor, an advertising executive - Stuart Bowman Jean, Trevors wife - Marion Sangster Pam, Trevors colleague - Emma Currie Finlay, Trevors colleague - David Tennant (who went on to greater things as Doctor Who.)

The title The Giftie Gien Us is taken from the poem To A Louse by Robert Burns, which is reproduced here.

The Giftie Gi'en Us

TO A LOUSE On Seeing One on a Lady's Bonnet at Church Ha! whare ye gaun' ye crowlin ferlie? Your impudence protects you sairly; I canna say but ye strunt rarely Owre gauze and lace, Tho faith! I fear ye dine but sparely On sic a place. Ye ugly, creepin, blastit wonner, Detested, shunn'd by saunt an sinner, How daur ye set your fit upon her-Sae fine a lady! Gae somewhere else and seek your dinner On some poor body. Swith! in some beggar's hauffet squattle; There ye may creep, and sprawl, and sprattle; Wi' ither kindred, jumping cattle; In shoals and nations; Whare horn nor bane ne'er daur unsettle Your thick plantations. Now haud you there! ye're out o' sight, Below the fatt'rils, snug an tight, Na, faith ye yet! ye'll no be right, Till ye've got on it-The vera tapmost, tow'rin height O' Miss's bonnet. My sooth! right bauld ye set your nose out, As plump an grey as onie grozet: O for some rank, mercurial rozet, Or fell, red smeddum, I'd gie you sic a hearty dose o't, Wad dress your droddum! I wad na been surpris'd to spy You on an auld wife's flainen toy Or aiblins some bit duddie boy, On's wyliecoat; But Miss's fine Lunardi! fye! How daur ye do't? O Jeany, dinna toss your head, An set your beauties a' abread! Ye little ken what cursed speed The blastie's makin! Thae winks an finger-ends, I dread, Are notice takin! O wad some Power the giftie gie us To see oursels as ithers see us! It wad frae monie a blunder free us An foolish notion: What airs in dress an gait wad lea'es us, An ev'n devotion!

The Giftie Gi'en Us

Translated into modern English the lines O wad some Power the giftie gie us, To see oursels as ithers see us! mean O would some Power give us the gift to see ourselves as others see us. My implication then is that this short play shows us as others see us.

The reviewers were kind to me, as witness the following.

" ... held its good wine to the last. Gurmeet Mattu, already an accomplished playwright, is somebody we will be hearing much more from. His cross-cultural influences give him strong insight into the Scottish scene. There is a full length play here. I look forward to it with relish. Perhaps 7:84 might find its soul by doing it" - Sunday Times

"Gurmeet Mattu's 'The Giftie Gien Us', wisely saved till last, is the only one to address the question of nationhood head-on, neatly balancing an allegorical love story with a typically 90's marketing campaign" The List

"The idea of independence is finally confronted in Gurmeet Mattu's excellent 'The Giftie Gien Us" Edinburgh Evening News

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THE GIFTIE GIEN US

[WILLIE ENTERS, WEARING A LONG BUTTONED-UP OVERCOAT. HE COMES TO FRONT OF STAGE]

WILLIE It's a time of change, a time of uncertainty. Borders shift, nationalities erupt, nobody knows what's going on. But I just want ye tae be sure o' this - ah only did it for the money.

[WILLIE EXITS. JEAN AND TREVOR ENTER]

TREVOR Be reasonable, Jean. You can't mean it. Not after all our years together. We are one, remember, the dynamic duo.

JEAN Don't be pathetic, Trev. I've suffered ye, tolerated ye and put up with ye for long enough. And now it's over.

TREVOR You can't just throw it all away.

JEAN Can ah no' ? Just watch me.

TREVOR We did have good times.

JEAN Aye, maybe you did.

TREVOR You're saying you got nothing out of it? Nothing out of all we shared?

JEAN

The Giftie Gi'en Us

It wasn't worth the price I paid. Do you know how much pain you've put me through? Have you the remotest idea?

TREVOR I can change. We can change.

JEAN Too late.

TREVOR No, we can still make it. There's still a life for us together.

JEAN Can you not get it through your head that it's over. O-V-E-R, over. Finished, terminated. Trevor and Jean, no more.

TREVOR Oh, come on, Jean, don't be silly.

JEAN Don't patronise me!

[PAM ENTERS AND EMBRACES TREVOR. JEAN MOVES AWAY]

PAM T.C. darling, we've cracked it. Project Flog-A-Jock is ready.

TREVOR Flog-A-Jock ? If I remember correctly the brief was to provide a corporate image for the new, independent Scotland. Something to affirm Scotland's identity as a nation amongst nations. The package to include logo, graphics, slogan and marketing strategy.

PAM That's it, Project Flog-A-Jock, we've done it. (SHOUTS) Wheel him in, Nige !
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Nige and I have worked our little socks off. Did a lot of research, of course. Historical aspects, current social trends, all that crap; but I really do think we've captured the spirit, the very essence of Scotland. We have the soul of the Scot crystallised in a multi-dimensional format that will .....

TREVOR Save the bullshit for the client, Pam, let's just see what you've got.

[NIGEL ENTERS, LEADING WILLIE, STILL IN OVERCOAT]

NIGEL T.C., may I proudly present Scotland's image for the 21st century .... Captain Caledonia !

[WILLIE WHIPS OFF HIS COAT TO REVEAL HIS CAPTAIN CALEDONIA COSTUME, A T-SHIRT WITH THE SALTIRE, A KILT AND THE LION RAMPANT AS A CAPE. HE COMES TO FRONT OF STAGE AND ADDRESSES AUDIENCE]

WILLIE Ah told ye, ah only did it for the money. I've got ma pride, but jobs are hard to come by just now. You might think this male modelling's a bit of a jessie profession, but Pam promised me my face would be on every young Scottish lassies' bedroom wall, which is an ambition I've had for many long years. So there.

TREVOR Captain Caledonia. Interesting concept.

PAM This is just the beginning, TC. We have put so much depth into this character it would take us a month to tell you all about him. It'll all be spelled out in the submission, of course, but let us give you a quick rundown.

NIGEL As a superhero he naturally has a full range of incredible powers.

PAM And of course he's against crime, ecology-conscious and pro-democracy. A nice guy.

NIGEL

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His secret identity is Calum MacBrayne, meek, mild-mannered, golf pro.

PAM Very important for the Japanese market. He gained his powers after being bitten by a radioactive spider.

NIGEL Historical source material - Robert the Bruce.

PAM The costume is, of course, full of symbolism. Saltire on the chest, lion rampant on the cape. The tartan for the kilt has been specially designed for us.

NIGEL And the utility sporran carries all the wonderful gadgets he uses in his never-ending battle against crime.

[WILLIE MOVES TO FRONT STAGE]

WILLIE I'll no' always be a clown, ye know. I've got honour and dignity and self-respect. I just thought ye should know that.

[WILLIE MOVES BACK. TREVOR AND JEAN MOVE FORWARD]

WILLIE You'll never make it on your own. You need me.

JEAN Don't flatter yersel. I'll surive. I'll thrive.

TREVOR Do you really think so. Be honest, what have you really got going for you ?

JEAN Me!

TREVOR

The Giftie Gi'en Us

It's a big cold world out there, little darling, and the wolves are sharpening their teeth right now.

JEAN Wolves don't bother me, I can hear them howling. It's snakes like you that worry me.

TREVOR Let's not get into name calling. Just tell me why? Why do you want us to split up?

JEAN Does it matter to you that I'm a human being? That I have a life, ambitions, dreams. That I might want to achieve something myself. Be Jean Ferguson instead of Mrs Trevor Carter.

TREVOR I've never held you back. Never denied you anything. You can't accuse me of that.

JEAN Right enough. You're too clever to be direct. You're a master o' the petted lip, the major sulk, the serious huff.

TREVOR And you've achieved plenty. You've had your moments of glory.

JEAN Aye. And every triumph I've had tae share wi' you. But when there's a disaster then it's wee Jeanie has tae carry the can. Can ye no' see, ah want some fulfillment in ma life. Ah want ma independence. Ah deserve it. And ah intend havin' it.

TREVOR You'll regret it.

JEAN Wi'oot you oan ma back? I'll love it.

[PAM PULLS TREVOR AWAY]

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PAM But we haven't told you about the marketing strategy yet. We launch him as a comic book character, with daily strips syndicated to tabloids across the world.

NIGEL Then we sell it to TV as a cartoon series before we go for the live action movie.

PAM But the merchandising push comes in at the TV cartoon stage. Toys, games, clothes, home furnishings, ornaments .....

NIGEL Dont forget the food and drink. Captain Caledonian porridge, shortbread, whisky ...

PAM And there are massive franchise opportunities with the Captain Caledonia haggis-burgers.

WILLIE Haggis-burgers? What are youse on about? Ah know it's no' really ma place tae say it, youse being professional whizz kids and all that, but this has got nothin' tae dae wi' Scotland.

JEAN The boy's got a point.

TREVOR Perhaps. I hate to blunt your enthusiasm, Pam, because I think you've been very creative, but I don't know if this will be acceptable domestically.

PAM But the brief - a nation amongst nations.

NIGEL And the expat market is huge .. Canada, New Zealand ..

TREVOR But first and foremost we must keep 'Jocko' in his wee 'toon' happy.

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The Giftie Gi'en Us

NIGEL They can't possibly complain, we've been in consultation throughout the creative process. I'll show you how far we've gone for authenticity - we auditioned 300 men for the role of Captain Caledonia, and Willie got the part because of his complexion - he's a genuine Scotsman. Aren't you, Wille?

WILLIE [Gruffly] Springburn.

TREVOR Why don't you give us the genuine and authentic voice of Scotland then, Willie. What do you think of Captain Caledonia?

WILLIE [Pause] Shite!

PAM [Sobbing] Six months ... six months I spent - I saw Captain Caledonia up there with Mr Happy and 'Glasgow's Miles Better'.

WILLIE All ye did was cram every crappy cliche aboot Scotland intae wan package.

PAM [Angry now] One isolated opinion, T.C., counts for nothing. At least we tried to be positive. What does he want, reality? Alcohol abuse, heart disease, lung cancer, bigotry and unemployment, that's your Bonny Scotland for you.

[WILLIE MOVES TO FRONT OF STAGE]

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The Giftie Gi'en Us

WILLIE Nippy wee sweetie, int she. The kind o' lassie ye'd like tae take hame tae yer mother. If yer maw was a cannibal, that is. And byraway, there's nae wonderful crime-fightin' gadgets in this sporran. There's only 20 Embassy Regal an' a Zippo, an' they're mine.

[WILLIE MOVES BACK. TREVOR AND JEAN COME FORWARD]

TREVOR Is there somebody else?

JEAN Ah was waiting for that one.

TREVOR Well?

JEAN Naw, ya idiot, there's naebody else. Why would ah want tae jump oot o' one jail intae another one.

TREVOR We did a lot together. Had fun, a good life. We were one, together. Everybody thought of us as a couple.

JEAN Aye, the Carters, Trevor and wife.

TREVOR No, we were good. Built this business together, ruled the world.

JEAN You ruled the world. Ah just ironed yer y-fronts.

TREVOR Didn't you ever love me?

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The Giftie Gi'en Us

JEAN Tae be honest, ah don't think so. Ma dad liked ye more than ah ever did. Just about forced me intae marryin' ye. The right thing, he said, security, prospects, advancement.

TREVOR Well, at least I gave you that.

JEAN Don't kid yerself oan. Ah came intae this relationship wi' wan pair o' shoes an' that's what I'm goin' out wi'.

TREVOR I like that. You've enjoyed the benefits of being married to me for all these years, and now you think you can walk away on a whim. Haven't you ever heard of loyalty? Don't you think you owe me something?

JEAN Trevor. my dear. I owe you more that you'll ever know. I owe you every tear on my pillow, every decision I was never allowed to make, every smile ah faked. To you I owe the fact that I've been a fully grown woman for many years, but I've not been allowed to be a fully grown human being. And if you want repaid for that, you're welcome. Now I'll make your life miserable.

[JEAN AND TREVOR MOVE BACK]

PAM Well, Willie, as you've been imbued with the wisdom of the ages, why don't you tell us how to address this nation of yours.

WILLIE You answer me a question first. Whit's a nation?

NIGEL Well, a nation is a ... country. South of Carlisle, England; north of Carlisle, Scotland.

WILLIE Geographical borders? That makes a country? But geographical borders can be defined by acts of force or political decisions. That's no' very satisfactory. See, I'm just trying tae get this straight in ma heid. Am I a Scot by race .. or religion .. or parentage .. or language ... or 'cause ah stay here. What makes this

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Scotland, and what makes me Scottish? Until ah know who ah am, an' where ah am, there's naw point in talkin' aboot nations or independence.

NIGEL Bravo. I think Willie's captured the essential angst of the Scot.

WILLIE Naww. it's no' just me...an' no' just Scotland. Who's anybody?

[JEAN AND TEVOR COME FORWORD AGAIN]

TREVOR So, you're certain there's no future for us?

JEAN Not unless you're willin' tae have a character transplant.

TREVOR Don't mock me, I don't deserve that.

JEAN Well don't play the little boy lost with me, I know you too well for that. And don't try the macho swaggering either, I know that bullshit too.

TREVOR Throwing around insults isn't going to solve our problem.

JEAN I don't have a problem. I am ... off.

TREVOR But I love you.

JEAN Oh, now ye love me. Now ye see ma worth. Where was the passion on my cold nights while you paraded the world? Where was the praise when you trampled every notion I ever had, and then claimed it for your own? Where was the love when you covered yourself in glory, and left me raging?
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The Giftie Gi'en Us

TREVOR You're mad.

JEAN Great, innit. Now, settlement. All ah want is ma due.

TREVOR And what about me?

JEAN I'll send ye food parcels.

TREVOR But what will I do without you?

JEAN Don't change a thing. You can still be an uncaring, selfish, arrogant son-of-a-bitch. If yer lucky there'll be another masochist along in a minute.

PAM T.C., I don't think we can afford to just dump the investment we've made in the Captain Caledonia project. I think we should proceed with it and deal with any flak as it comes T.C.?

TREVOR I .. I'm sorry, I can't deal with this just now. Feel a bit lost, confused.

PAM I must say I'm a little disappointed. You are the one who always asked us to keep our domestic problems out of the workplace. Do you want me to handle it?

TREVOR Yes .. yes, if you would.

PAM Right. Nigel, get Willie down to the studio and get some snaps. Let's get this show on the road.

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The Giftie Gi'en Us

[NIGEL BEGINS LEADING WILLIE OFF]

JEAN Bit o' advice, son, it'll no' be wee lassie's walls ye'll be oan, it'll be dartboards.

[WILLIE PULLS AWAY]

WILLIE Aye, wait .. wait a minute. Ah know you're payin' me good, but ahm no' sure if ah want tae dae this.

NIGEL Don't fight it, Willie. You are Captain Caledonia, you are Scotland.

WILLIE Aw geezabreak, this is awright for a gag, but it's got bugger aw tae dae wi' Scotland. [TO AUDIENCE] Wid ye credit it? Hauf an hour ago they were talkin' about me daein world tours in this rig-oot. Openin' Highland Games in Vancouver, addressin' the haggis in Wellington, leavin' a sporran print on the sidewalk in Hollywood. An' now here's me talkin' masel oot o' a good earner.

PAM You're not indispensable, Willie, we can always find another model.

WILLIE No' wi' ma complexion, ye said ah was unique.

NIGEL There's always make-up.

JEAN Tell them, Willie. Tell them why ye can't do it. Tell them what it means to be Scottish.

WILLIE Ah don't know. God knows, aw Scotland ever did for me was gie me a cauld when ah fell intae Loch Lomond. But ah am Scottish, because that's what ah want tae be, an' I'll no' have the place rubbished.

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PAM That's just emotional nonsense, there's no logic behind it.

WILLIE Well, you just justify every emotion an' feelin' you've ever had. I've never felt the need. I'm no' crying' back tae some noble, mythical past either. Naww, no' a yesterday Scotland, I'm thinkin' oan what's tae be.

JEAN What's the future then, Willie. Tell them.

WILLIE The world's getting smaller all the time. Ah go tae sleep wi' ma heid oan an Eskimo pillow an' ma feet hangin' oot o' a Bantu bed. Just that I'd sleep easier if - see when the nations o' this fair Earth gather in high council, tae discuss the fate of us aw - ah want a wee Scots person there, wi' a voting haun, an' willing tae tell them they're aw bampots when they're havering. Aye, that wid dae it.

JEAN Nicely put, son.

WILLIE Ahm a blether, accordin' tae me maw. Ye ready tae go?

JEAN Ahm no' walkin' down the road wi' you dressed like that.

WILLIE Ah was gettin' tae quite like it. Was gaun tae wear it tae the fitba'.

JEAN Yer a twit.

[JEAN AND WILLIE EXIT, WATCHED BY OTHERS]

END

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Despite the foregoing Im not really a hugely political animal. Im actually a comedy writer, which you might have noted from the Willie character above. Primarily a dramatist for theatre, radio and TV Ive written three comedy novels, The Stormer, The Sex Diaries and I, Roger Knightly. These are priced at 1.99 each for a pdf ebook and can be found on my website at gurmeetmattu.com where you can read synopses, extracts and reviews before making a purchasing decision.

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