Deep Analysis – Pro Tour: Mars City Report - *1st*, by Richard F... http://www.starcitygames.com/php/news/print.php?

Article=15917

Deep Analysis – Pro Tour: Mars City Report - *1st*

by Richard Feldman

It doesn’t matter if it is good

It only matters if it ROCKS.
The main thing that we do
Is to rock your socks off
"Rock Your Socks," Tenacious D

I’ve just won Pro Tour: Mars City. I mean, no, it hasn’t happened yet, but
honestly, when it does, I’m a lock for it. I will have played Next Level KFC,
which will play that 9/9 for one Green mana with Deathtouch and Cycling 1
and Cantrip, and then the rest of the deck will be basically all Blue cards.

What does it feel like to have won a Pro Tour? It feels like the sublime
caress of a thousand celestial nymphs, heavenly beings wrought not of the
stony flesh that grips to the lifeless bones of wretched mortals such as we,
but of the pulsing, radiant essence of the divine—an ephemeral
convergence of love, joy, and immeasurable satisfaction which envelops
even the most base of onlookers in rapturous epiphany. You know,
basically the nut high.

Here is a picture of me hoisting the American Flag for no actual reason

trophy.

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I’m pretty sure if we had run this tournament over 20 times, I would have
won it 16 times. No, wait, 18 times. Well, maybe only 3 times. No, I take
that back, probably 15 times. Or like 14 times, but then Zac Hill would have
won it the other times. Actually, to be honest, it’s more like 37.962 times.
Out of 20, I mean.

Believe it or not, my favorite memory from the Pro Tour was not winning it.
No foolies. It was actually the ride over to the Convention Center on Day 2.
So I’m sitting there and there’s this really attractive brunette next to me who
looks really familiar. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen her in a movie, in fact. She
has on these really big sunglasses, and I’m not sure if she’s really a famous
actress or if my vision is still just really blurry from last night’s "Top of the
Standings" celebrations. (Let’s just say it’s a good thing I won the PT,
because otherwise I was not going to be able to pay that tab off.) After
awkwardly eyeballing her for around eight minutes I finally decided to start
up a conversation.

"Hey, how’s it going?"

She actually smiles and says "Not bad."
"I want to make a bet with you." This is my favorite pickup line. "Ten bucks
says I can guess your last name in three tries."
A laugh. "Okay, let’s see it."
"Jolie."
"No."
"Awkward. McAdams?"
"Still no."
"Loose. Alba?"
"She’s not even a brunette in that picture!"
"Okay, fine. I give up. What’s your name?"
"Angelina Pitt. I’m married now, remember?"
I jump out of my seat. "Man! I forgot this was the future. What a blowout."
"Where’s my ten bucks?"
"Noooooooooooot paying."
"Pony up, red. Seriously, I’ll kick your ass."

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"Can I pay you in salsa lessons?"

Luckily, the next stop was the convention center, so I booked it out of there
before she could Kung Fu me or something. (Not sure if she does her own
stunts, but also not chancing it.) Anyway, running the No Pays on Angelina
Jolie was definitely the highlight of the PT for me.

The other day I was having dinner with Stephen Hawking* at Roscoe’s
House of Chicken ‘n’ Waffles. By the way, if you are attending PT: Roscoe’s
House of Chicken ‘n’ Waffles this weekend, I strongly suggest that you
Roscoe’s House of Chicken ‘n’ Waffles while you are there. If you have
never had the chance to Roscoe’s House of Chicken ‘n’ Waffles before, you
are in for a treat. They serve you fried chicken, and waffles, and the
combination is as delicious as it is surprising. Fact: 100% of people (male
and female) who have told me the combination sounds anywhere from
"weird" to "gross," and who have subsequently visited Roscoe’s House of
Chicken ‘n’ Waffles and tried it, have thoroughly enjoyed it. I recommend
the #13: "Carol C. Special – One succulent breast, one delicious waffle."
(Yes, that was from memory.)

Stevie Trash Talker and I are at Roscoe’s House of Chicken ‘n’ Waffles,
and we are discussing the second-best source of free content on Star City
Games: Patrick Chapin’s forum posts. Specifically, we are speaking of this
line:

"…the Faerie mirror match is actually the stone stupidest, and while it is true
that skill plays a very minor role (VERY), I have no pity for people who sell
out to the Fae and then die by the very hand that feeds them. Anyone good
enough to think they can outplay people in Magic should know better than
to Faerie (Unless they honestly feel coin flips are their best play)."

This is the most important Magic-related forum post you will ever read. It is
the Holy Grail of all Magic Forum Posts, and all other forum posts are kold
to it. Honestly, I don’t even see why you would read other forum posts**.

(Seriously, though, pay attention, because this is one of the few parts of the
article that is actually for real.***)

(Gotcha! Did you actually think this article was going to have any actual
strategic content? Even though it’s labeled "Strategy"…?)

(No, seriously, this part is actually for real. Literally.)

Do you see why this observation is so brilliant? If you play the best deck,
you will have a 50% matchup against the best deck—even if you are an
absolute master. So where is the value in playing the best deck, as
opposed to a deck that literally actually beats the best deck?

Historically, you could play the best deck and have the best overall win
percentage against everything but the mirror, and you could test the hell out
of the mirror so that if you played it, you had some combination of
technology and matchup insight that would put you ahead of the average

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pilot. If you can’t do that, though, as seems to be the case with Faeries,
then you have a good matchup against most of the field, but only a 50-50
against the most popular deck. If that’s the case, couldn’t you do better by
playing something that is better than 50-50 against most popular deck, but
which is worse overall against the rest of the field? Naturally it depends on
how much worse you expect to do against the rest of the field, and which
decks (and how popular those decks are [and what the skill is of the people
who play those decks ( and whether or not they have tested against your
deck [and how likely they are to be sober on Day Two])]) people play, but. I
have to say it’s a bulletproof argument for playing something that is not the
best.

Take the NecroGargles versus CMU Blue Man Group Five Niner Ace
Foghorn Dizzy Gillespie Refrigerator Platypus matchup from Grand Prix:
Kalamazoo in 1486. Necro dominated everything, because it played, well,
you know, Necropotence, but the mirror match was basically, well, you
know, Who Got Necropotence First. Total coin flippage. CMU’s alternative
had not-quite-so-good matchups against the rest of the field, and suffered a
particular frailty to staple Red offerings such as Bon Jovi Deck Wins, but
ultimately Andrew Carnegie emerged victorious at that tournament by
stepping all over the Necro decks while taking only a few token losses to
the Red decks.

This reminds me of a conversation I had with my friend Jak on AIM recently:

Jak (9:44:37 PM): I got an 87 on that test

Jak (9:44:47 PM): This is my complete knowledge of art history
Jak (9:44:52 PM): Here goes…
Jak (9:46:05 PM): "Once upon a time there was the medieval times. That
kicked ass. Then there was a renaissance and they put down all the swords
and axes and catapults and fun stuff and everybody got really into old greek
art. Four guys named after the ninja turtles sculpted and painted a bunch of
naked people."
Jak (9:46:16 PM): That’s art history.

Do you see what I mean? Basically, it comes down to coin flips if you run
Faeries, but playing something else that is better than coin flips against
Faeries (and, you know, still the favorite against some non-Faeries.decs)
means you could actually rock the tournament despite playing a deck that is
"not as good" as the "best" deck.

Like the D said: "It doesn’t matter if it is good, it only matters if it ROCKS."

Now, how do you beat Faeries? Everyone’s got a theory. Me? I like
Riftsweeper and sideways eight flyer-killers. Hurricane, Firespout, you name
it - just keep ‘em coming. Fill that board up if you have to, just cram as
many one-sided Wraths in there as you can fit. Why Riftsweeper, I hear you
scream? Because he just wins games sometimes. You know games, right?
Riftsweeper wins them. That’s right, He Wins Games. After all, isn’t that the
best reason to play a card? Winning games? Well, Riftsweeper Wins
Games, so I’d play him if I were you. Do you need another reason? I didn’t
think so. He Wins Games. That’s all you need to know.

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By the way, the other day someone was telling me about a piece of
literature which critics have called "turgid," "obscene," and "makes me want
to /wrist." As I have always aspired to instill these feelings in my readers, I
have copied it out by hand below.

If you recognized this as the 2008 Instructions for Form 1099-MISC, Box 5:
Fishing Boat Proceeds, by our very own United States Internal Revenue
Service, then you win the prize - a cash payout of fifty thousand dollars!****

In conclusion, I would like to restate my original thesis that these are my

current top five favorite albums (limited to one per artist, otherwise Cake
obv dominates DI etc.):

1. Don't Mess With The Dragon, by Ozomatli

2. The Eminem Show, by Eminem
3. S&M, by Metallica
4. Let's Face It, by The Mighty Mighty Bosstones
5. Comfort Eagle, by Cake

Actually I ordered my top eight albums, but Top Five lists are what all the
cool kids are doing, so if you want to see the rest of the eight, skate on over
to my shameless plug full Top Eight Albums list.

LOVE
TIMOTHY JAMES ATEN

… Tapping the cards so you don’t have to.

* Fact: Besides being a world-renowned trash-talker, Stephen Hawking has

the biggest brain in the universe.
** Well, except for mine, obv.
*** What, you don’t believe me?

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**** Actually, there will be no payout. I just stone lied out the DI.

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