the most legitimate newspaper of the university of pittsburgh

November 11th, 2011 Volume 4, Issue 11 pittifulnews.com

Es tab l i s hed a ft er J o e P a ter no wa s b o r n, b ut b e fo re t h e p ri n ti n g p re s s

Pittiful News Throws in the Towel for 11/11/11

WILLS BUTLER senior writer Because of many issues ranging from Skyrim is coming out to Minecraft as well, pretty soon, we here at the Pittiful News have been quite busy. We understand that many of you only grind through the daily drudgery of life for the limitless ecstasy only your Friday Morning copy of the Pittiful News can bring. Well calm down kids, we punched out a paper for you anyway! Enjoy our Penn State Pride paper, and tune in next week for tasty thanksgiving-time writing. And, uh, keep sending us stuff. I like it. ...Feels good.

Here we see Joe Paterno, criminally not giving a f*ck WILLS BUTLER, STAFF CAPTION EXPERT

We Are...Penn State! We Are...Pissed!

my solemn duty to record all the facts about this ongoing drama (Or As a proud Pitt at least the ones that are student, I was not at all easiest to come by). shocked to go on FaceFrom what I can book and find that all my understand, a reprehendumbass Penn State sible monster took it friends were all pissed upon himself to do some about something. I was very unsavory actions shocked however to find with underage boys. The out that recently rioting man in question is, as far had shockingly broken as I can tell, in Police out over some very Custody and probably shocking news. not too far away from Shocking!, I being called Betty by said to myself. a man named Butch. WILLS BUTLER senior writer

a problem. 150 years ago, this problem would easily be solved: when people are pissed by something, you just had to find the person most responsible and hang-him-by-the-neckuntil-dead. Nowadays, we cant do that. But people are still pissed. So Penn State has to find a solution, and fast if the riots are any indication. What is the best solution? one might ask. And I would say Good Goddamn Question. The guy responsible is caught, who do we string up?

IN THIS ISSUE page 2 pun of the week how to attract ladies letters to the editor page 3 weekly forecast page 4 words to impress the ladies

But as a steadfast In the meantime, CONT PG 3 GOJOE journalist, I considered it however, Penn State has

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the pittiful news

november 11th, 2011

Letters To The Editor:

Dear Editor: Uh, what is this? Love, the thousands of adoring Pittiful News Fans Good Question Jaimie! Let me answer as simply as possible for you. Starting right now, anyone can send a letter to the Pittiful News to ask a question, let me know my articles suck, propose to a writer, voice a contrary opinion, or just be pissed about something. You can rest assured that we will treat your letter with the care and respect for common decency that you have come to expect from our frankly aweseomesauce newspaper. So if you cant think of something totally kickass to write for an article, just send me hatemail instead! Keep in mind, the more I actually get, the higher the chances I will stop joking about it and actually make a concentrated effort to improve my writing ability! (Perhaps) Dear Editor: Ok, could you seriously stop throwing internet memes down in the paper at least? This isnt your personal 4chan-paradise. Just stop...Please? Love, Probably Everyone

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick

ALEX SEMEDEI Staff Contributor

How To Attract The Ladies

KELSEY HENKE editor-in-chief The first step is breaking the ice. Start with something simple and charming: ask for a lock of her hair or tell her that her skin would make a make a nice coat. Ask for her phone number or email address. Dont fret if she doesnt give you her number; you can always look her up in the white pages or follow her home. You will know that she is interested if she constantly texts you cute things like How did you get this number? or

Ladies... WILLS BUTLER -STAFF CAPTIONEER

Im going to call the police or calls you pet names like stalker and creep. Send her unusual gifts for a couple weeks so you let her know that you are still interested. Real ladies dont like flowers or candy; they would prefer animal bones, a mix tape entirely of static noise or wax models of themselves. The next step is a first date. First dates dont have to occur while both parties are conscious. Have dinner in her bedroom while she sleeps; nothing is more romantic. Propose as early and as often as possible. There is no way she can say no 47 times in a row.

the pittiful news W E E KLY F OR C AST

november 11th, 2011

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CONT FROM PAGE 1 GOJOE I have an idea, says Penn State. Other people knew about this, right? Why dont we look into the cover-up that occurred? One shit-storm later, and we find that a couple coaches, a janitor, and Colonel Mustard are the only people (depending on which newspaper you read) who knew anything about this. Now what do we do? Ok, problem simplified: Two of the coaches are now arrested for perjury. The janitor now has dementia. And Mrs. Peacock killed Colonel Mustard in the Library with a candlestick. After the police had finished working out the logistics of committing murder with a candlestick (I dont know, it was like, really heavy guys, seriously) Penn State found themselves in a situation where most of their scapegoats had already been dealt with, but not in a flashy enough way so as to distract from the issue at hand. Ok, guys, piped up Penn State once again, still pumping from adrenaline after its last suggestion was taken so seriously. Paterno knew about this, right? Yeah Penn State, but he did exactly what he was required to do: Tell his boss. Do you think he expected them to cover the entire thing up and hope that nobody ever brought it up ever again? Why would we want to tarnish the name of the most popular man on campus, espe-

cially when we need people on our side? He has had a golden reputation since he invented American Football in 1779; maybe adding a second scandal with actual controversy would not be the best idea said Common Sense in a needlessly long monologue. But we neeeeeeed a scapegoat! At this point in time, word had gotten out to the unwashed masses. Already in a very protest-y mood, the very idea that Joe Paterno would be let go soon over this scandal was enough to cause standing protests in support of the man who is said to be John McCains older brother. Oddly enough, the idea that a national coaching icon with millions of enamored fans was going to be shit upon because the University was in panic mode did not go down well. Well on the bright side, at least now we know what not to do, right guys? This is all just because word got out we might fire Joe, imagine how bad it would be if we actually did! Guys? Common sense asked, his (yes hes a male in this article, come at me feminist bros) voice quaking slightly as if he knew what was coming before it even hit. What was that? Oh I just fired Joe Paterno because

He should have done more. Yeah, he wanted until the end of the year, or at least one more game, but we said no. IM SURE THIS WILL HAVE NO NEGATIVE RAMIFICATIONS WHATSOEVER.

Are you shitting me?

One day of glorious rioting later, here we are. Rogaine stocks have plummeted as their number one walking advertising has been kicked out of his cushy job. A man who thinks Classical Music is a fad that will be passing any day now is now living at home with people who certainly claim to be his family (He hasnt visited this place in thirty years, so you can excuse the confusion). The icing on the moron-cake, if you can excuse the jump from satire to outright mockery is that they also fired the President. Not Obama, the TEA party is in another article, but the Penn State President. Excuse me for a minute, but YOU STUPID F*CKS. THAT WAS YOUR SCAPEGOAT. CONT ON NEXT PAGE

the pittiful news

november 11th, 2011

CONT FROM PREVIOUS PAGE He was in a position of power, he could shoulder the blame, feed the bloodlust of a crowd gone wild, and in the long-run, NOBODY WOULD CARE. In case you missed your entire freaking college-town being destroyed in the rioting that followed your halfbaked decision to fire the Blue and White Jesus of State College, you made the wrong choice regarding Joe Paterno. The terrible irony is that the reason Joe Paterno didnt call the cops right away nine years ago was because he was using his discretion. He loved Penn State and would rather the higher -ups deal with this issue tactfully than accidentally say the wrong thing to the wrong media person and have it all blow up in his face. You can have someone arrested without it being a huge scandal (after last week, I certainly know that from personal experience). Finally, I want to be the totally not-first person to point out that the two coaches who were arrested for their alleged perjury in regards to this child-abuse case are still on the payroll. The people who have actually done something wrong in the eyes of the law are the ones you support? This is why Common Sense left your campus. You make Kim Jong-il look like a sane man. So, personally, from the bottom of my heart, I would like to congratulate Penn State. You have successfully trolled an entire country in a way that it has never seen before. You took an issue which was almost without controversy (Child Molesters=Bad) and turned it into a media shit-storm not only by covering it up, but by covering up your covering it up by firing someone who is popular and well liked. Everyone is now arguing about the riots, about Joe Paterno, about Penn States support of soon-tobe-convicted criminals, and about

W O R D S TO I M P R E S S T H E L A D I E S If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me? ALEX SEMEDEI Staff Contributor

Why should only one of these be socially acceptable to show on TV? At least the diseases Iguanas carry are known to Science.
WILLS BULTER:

CAPTAIN CAPTION

whether or not they should tear down the Paterno Statue by the football stadium Saddam Hussein Style (Achievement Unlocked Mention Two Dictators in a Single Article). Fortunately for us here at Pitt, our Football Team is content with being quietly High Octane (4 and 5 baby!), and only occasionally being arrested by law enforcement. Hey, maybe now that Penn State has a new coach too well be able to actually compete against them! One question however: where do I get some of that Blue Kool-Aid? Because you know that shits the best! (I would not recommend the Gold kind, however.)

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CONTRIBUTING STAFF Kelsey Henke Wills Butler Editor-In-Chief Senior Writer Senior Writer Staff Caption Writer Staff Editor John Lee Alex Semedei Content Editor Staff Contributor