Forgiving Ourselves How to Break Free of Self-Condemnation By Charles F. Stanley Do you have a hard time forgiving someone in particular?

Is it an enemy, or a lo ved one who repeatedly hurts you? Or is it yourself? I ve often heard believers sa y, I don t hold anything against those who ve wronged me, and I know Christ s blood has covered all my sins, but I just can t forgive myself. Sometimes the most difficult person to pardon is oneself, but forgiveness is never complete until that has h appened. The issues that cause us shame and guilt are varied. Maybe you regret behavior t hat injured others or hurtful words that you said to a loved one. Perhaps a trau matic choice you ve made, such as a divorce or an abortion, has filled your life w ith regret. Or maybe you re carrying the heavy load of blame that accompanies harm ful words or actions directed toward your children. The apostle Peter must have dealt with self-condemnation as well. At the time of Jesus greatest need, Peter denied knowing Him (Matt. 26:69-75). His own unfaithf ulness must have been even harder to bear because of his previous confidence tha t he would never fall away (Matt. 26:33). The scene of his betrayal probably rep layed a thousand times in his mind, making him wish that he could take back his words. But he couldn t. And then there was Paul. Once he saw the light (literally and figuratively), he re gretted his history of persecuting the church (Acts 9:1-4; 1 Tim. 1:5-16). How c ould someone with such a horrendous track record become the greatest evangelist and church planter of his time? Both of these men discovered the secret to overcoming failure and sin. They unde rstood and accepted God s forgiveness, choosing to live in the richness of His und eserved grace. But they didn t stop there. They also forgave themselves. They laid down the guilt of their sins at the cross and refused to carry it any longer. T hat s why the Lord could use them so effectively. He has not dealt with us according to our sins, Nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, So great is His lovingkindness toward those who fear Him. As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:10-12 Those of us who by faith have been redeemed by Christ are completely forgiven an d declared not guilty. Yet many believers have a hard time letting go of their rem orse. The truth is, a self-directed unforgiving spirit is just as detrimental an d destructive as holding a grudge against someone else. How can I continue to ho ld in bondage one whom God has forgiven? How can I not forgive me?

What characterizes those who won t forgive themselves? Self-Punishment One sign of an unforgiving spirit is a desire that the one who did wrong be puni shed. That s exactly what we do to ourselves when we hold onto self-condemnation. Every morning the guilt awaits us, and we dutifully wear it like a backpack all day long. With each mental replay of our old mistakes, we experience anew the pa

inful and humiliating emotions that accompanied our past sin. Some people even a bstain from the good things God wants them to enjoy, because they think such sel f-denial, in some small way, will pay for their transgression. How foolish to pu nish ourselves when Christ has already paid the full penalty. Self-imposed suffe ring adds nothing to His completed atonement on our behalf (Eph. 2:8-9). Avoidance Human beings are masters at attempting to escape their guilt without actually de aling with it. Some try to deaden their feelings by means of unhealthy or excess ive behaviors that promise relief: alcohol, drugs, overeating, shopping, enterta inment, or sexual affairs are just a few ways people cope with regret. Others fi ll their lives with busyness overloading schedules and working longer hours. But w e can never work off or ignore our guilt. At some point we must face it, or remo rse will continue to eat us up inside, damaging our souls (Ps. 32:3-4). Unworthiness Another consequence of not forgiving yourself is a profound sense of unworthines s that affects every area of life. If Satan can get you to feel undeserving beca use of past failures, he has you exactly where he wants you spiritually paralyzed. Your prayer life will be weak or nonexistent, your intimate relationship with t he Lord will be stifled, and your service will be hindered and ineffective. In r eality, none of us are worthy. That s why we all need grace His undeserved favor tow ard us. To hang onto feelings of unworthiness and refuse God s grace is detrimenta l to our Christian life (Acts 10:15). Uncertainty Dwelling on past wrongs leaves believers under a dark cloud of uncertainty. Desp ite their assurance of salvation, they are never quite sure where they stand wit h God, and they never experience the peace that passes understanding (Phil. 4:67). Sometimes they may even wonder, What will go wrong next? After all, I m not wo rthy of any blessings. No doubt some terrible trial is coming, which I fully des erve. Such thinking undermines trust in the Lord and actually builds a barrier b etween God and us. When we keep the guilt of our sin alive, we forfeit the conte ntment, confidence, and joy that come with full forgiveness. The Lord keeps no r ecord of our transgressions, and neither should we (Ps. 103:12). Distorted Thinking Self-condemnation also distorts our thinking. Instead of reasoning from the trut h of Scripture, those who are filled with remorse rely on their own logic and em otions. Past sins become the primary focus, and what God says takes a backseat. His Word says all my sins are forgiven, but if I hang onto them, I m denying His p romise and affirming my own thoughts. To put it bluntly, the problem is self-cen teredness. If all I see is my sin, my feelings, my unworthiness, my guilt, and m y regret, then I am all wrapped up in myself (Heb. 12:1-3). Powerlessness Christ wants to display His life in His followers, but anyone with an unforgivin g spirit extinguishes His light. Although we all know it s wrong to hold a grudge against someone else, we often tolerate unforgiveness toward ourselves. But it s s till sin. Those who insist on carrying their guilt are not walking in the Spirit , and the result will be a powerless Christian life.

Why won t we forgive ourselves? In order to overcome self-condemnation, we must learn to understand why we have this problem. What has motivated us to punish ourselves by clinging to guilt? Unbelief

The primary cause is unbelief prioritizing feelings and human reasoning above the truth of God s Word. Scripture says Jesus bore the penalty for our transgressions (Rom. 3:23-26). But those who hold onto guilt are basically saying, No, my sin ne eds further punishment. I must suffer for it until I feel I can forgive myself. A ren t you glad God doesn t place such a terrible expectation on us? When Christ died on the cross, He said, It is finished (John 19:30). No further payment is require d. How we feel has nothing to do with the reality of what He accomplished for us . Performance Perhaps the failure to live up to our own expectations is what causes us to bera te ourselves. However, when we are so disappointed that we can t forgive ourselves , we ve set up a standard based on performance. This is called legalism. The Lord gives only one qualification for receiving His forgiveness: faith in Christ. To say, What I did was so bad that I cannot forgive myself, is to live under law, not under grace. God s forgiveness is not distributed on the basis of a rating system for sins, and ours shouldn t be either. Acceptance Tragically, after living under self-condemnation for a long time, believers can begin to see that as a normal way of life. But it s not. Christ promised us freedo m from guilt along with the abundant life that accompanies a cleansed conscience . To refuse this is to remain in a prison of our own making. Penal institutions have a word for inmates who have become so acclimated to prison life that they re afraid of trying to function outside: they are described as having become instit utionalized. That s exactly what happens to believers who won t release their guilt. They huddle in their cell, even though Christ has thrown open the door and invi ted them to step out into the freedom He purchased for them.

How do I forgive myself? Hopefully, by now we all realize that struggling under self-condemnation is not the way God wants us to live. But how can we change this habit? 1. Acknowledge: The first step is to recognize that you have not forgiven yourse lf. Face up to this fact, and begin to deal with the issue. 2. Repent: Tell the Lord that you realize your self-condemnation is a sin. Then accept and thank Him for His forgiveness. 3. Believe God: Reaffirm your trust in the truth of Scripture. God says He has r emoved your transgressions as far as the east is from the west. 4. Choose Forgiveness: On the basis of the Bible, by an act of your will, in fai th, choose to forgive yourself. Please notice that feelings aren t mentioned anywhere in these steps. Each one is a choice based on truth, not emotions. Stop replaying in your mind the old recor ding of your sin, which stirs up guilt, but instead replay the truths of God s Wor d. Freedom from the prison of guilt and regret is only a choice away. Jesus came to set the captives free (Luke 4:18). As you take hold of His forgiveness and r elease your guilt, you ll walk out of that jail of self-condemnation into the joy of abundant life.

Questions for Further Study

What does Romans 8:1-4 tell us about the believer s standing before God? Now read Romans 8:31-39. Carefully consider each of Paul s questions from the stan dpoint of self-condemnation. If your attitude toward yourself doesn t match God s pe rspective, what can you do to bring it into alignment with His Word? What conclusions does Paul draw about the possibility of being separated from Ch rist s love (vv. 35-39)? Do You Know God? Truly forgiving yourself is possible only through a healing relationship with th e Lord Jesus Christ. Romans 12:1 promises that anyone who receives Him as Savior will be free from condemnation, in this life and eternity released from the grasp of sin, forever. The Bible promises that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved; for with th e heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he con fesses, resulting in salvation (Rom. 10:9-10). Confess your sins to the Lord, and humbly ask Him to enter your life. You can us e the following prayer or your own words: Lord Jesus, I believe You are truly the Son of God. I confess that I have sinned against You in thought, word, and deed. Please forgive all my wrongdoing, and l et me live in relationship with You from now on. I receive You as my personal Sa vior, accepting the work You accomplished once and for all on the cross. Thank Y ou for saving me. Help me to live a life that is pleasing to You. Amen.