First Word

Military Intelligence
June 6 marks the 66th anniversary of the invasion of
Normandy, that moment on June 6, 1944, when the
Allies launched the largcsi amphibiolls bailIe in hislOry
and began the final push 10 overturn Nazi tyranny. The
logistics, planning and sheer level of risk management
involved in D-Day were unprecedented, and one call only
imagine ,he stress upon those tasked wilh setting the best
time to launch [he invasion. To some, D-Day seemed like
a reckless gamble, but to others, it was a risk that had to
be laken. The narure of any milirary operation, especially
one where the f.1te of nations lies in the balance, makes it
almosl impossible to make a rational decision, and mili-
tary history has proven this true more times than we can
count. usually with tragic consequences.
But somclimes. the consequences aren't tragic as
much as they are, well, puzzling, We don't even need
to look beyond World War II for examples. The stakes
in that war were so high that it gave both sides more
than enough reason to pin their hopes on innovations
that in a saner time would have been rejected out of
hand. The Office of Strategic Services (or 055, the
forerunner of the CIA), for example. launched a ton of
weird weapons projects, but few were stranger than the
infamous "Who. projecl, in which the 055 meant
to provide French resistance fighters with poop-scented
perfume atomizers, Their purpose? To spray Ihem
covcnly on German officers in order to erode enemy
morale. The project was canceled after only a few weeks,
h's a wonder il even made it that far.
Over on the Soviet side, the Red Army came up
with the anti-tank dog. Here's the concept: fit a dog
with explosive-filled satchels and a tall antenna on its
back. Train it 10 run under enemy ranks, and when the
antenna bends, Ihe dog explodes, taking out the tank.
The problem was, the Soviets had to train the dogs ro
like being under tanks. And having no German ones ro
spare, they trained them to go under Russian oncs, whose
particular mix of fuel smelled differently from German
Panzers. In the heat of banle, the scared dogs often ran
back to the tanks they knew, and blew up their maSters.
Served them right. Only bad guys blow up dogs.
BUI perhaps the grand prize for weird innovation
goes to the British, whose resource scarcity and concern
over imminent invasion empowered some truly bizarre
plans, Chief among these was Project Habakkuk, a plan
to carve an iceberg into an aircraft carrier. It seemed like
a good idea until somebody pointed out a fC'\v problems.
Not only were the resources required more than it took
6 )unc2010
to build a regular aircraft carrier, but pilots didn't fancy
landing on ice and-oh yeah-it's tl frl'tlNillg iuberg.
The only people who should militarize them are comic
book villains. Case dosed.
But the Brits didn't stop there. The Admiralty's
Directorate of Miscellaneous Weapons Developmem
(which sounds like the kind of place where Wile E.
Coyote would have had a field day) built, among
other things, the Great Panjandrum, a rocket-powered,
explosives-laden cart meant to zoom up the beaches of
Normandy and blast Ihrough German defenses. Initial
tests were huge failures and were carried oUI near popu-
lar holiday beaches, leading some 10 think the whole
thing was a big ruse mea!lt to distract the Germans, It
certainly distracted enough British vacationers, though.
We might laugh at Ihe British for the Panjandrum, but
al least Ihey slill had the risk appelite to go on vacation
in soulhern England during a war. Bravo.
You have to feel for the desperalion that inspires such
wartime lunacy. but once peace breaks OUl, what excuse is
there? In the 1950s, Ihe Italians commissioned an entire
fleet of bazooka-mounted Vespa scooters, which is an
insult to both Vespas and bazookas, teally. Meanwhile,
the British were busy building the Blue Peacock, a mcti-
cal nuclear weapon [hal was designed 10 be triggered by
live chickens. (I'm not kidding, Google iL)
It all shows how in any culture of decision-making
where extremely high levels of risk are involved, it is
all tOO easy to get trapped in a patlern
of thinking that relics on equal parts
"that's how we've always done
and that works isn't a
slupid idea." And Ihe mililary has no
monopoly on this; all kinds of enter-
prises make equally colossal missteps,
and usually it comes down 10 one
really bad decision afler another,
leading 10 things like fecal perfume,
exploding dogs and chicken-pow-
ered nukes,
What will they think of next?
I'm not sure I want to know.
tllld Editoritll Director