non compos mentis

JIM 'L WA L FIX NT IT DIC TO BE SPECI AL TA DE AST TOR O SPOT JIM RONA R AN U LL FIX T? IT.

CADS REPORT
NOVEMBER 2011 Issue No: SIX http://cads-amsterdam.org/

SIR JIM FIXES IT FOR CADDAFFI'S SON TO BE THE GUEST OF HONOUR AND SPEAKER AT NEXT MONTHS CADS JOKATHON.

Jim'll Faux It
en! N ow then, N ow th
my Savile fixed The late Sir Jim son to fulfill a it for CADdafi's of entertaining lifelong dream e annual CADS the troops at th Libyan The Jokat h o n . in si sted th at go vern m ent ha s ar G ad da fi 's Co lo ne l Mu am m m will face a son Saif al Isla fair co mpetition.

Dig up your old Sir Jimi Savile cigar jokes for the 2011 CADS Jokathon, Friday 16 Dec 2011

In the book they just shake hands

CADS Report publishes private, secret, and classified nonsense about the state of the UK from anonymous news sources.

CADS REPORTNO-SHOWS SIMPLY NOT CRICKET!

WICKI-LEAKS

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Three CADS members receive long sentences for their part in the October CADS lunch No-Show scam
SIMPLY ISNT CRICKET SCREAMS JUDGE. CADS members that dont show for the Nov lunch will treated equally harshly shouts Judge.
CADS NO-SHOWS BOWL OVER MEMBERS OCCUPY CADS

CADS members are still bowled over with deep square leg shock at the revelation that three CADS members conspired together and plotted deliberate no-shows at the CADS October lunch. It was part of a scam where the hotel Wyndham could make no money from their no-shows, but was cunningly uncovered by the editor of this magazine (who accidentally overhead the plot after inadvertently tapping into their phones). Simply isnt cricket The judge at the trail showed no mercy and sentenced all three to serve long sentences washing up at the Wyndham Hotel kitchen.
COW KILLS FARMER IN COLD BLOOD

It seems the Occupy Wall St Movement is spreading. Oddly. The car park outside Amsterdams Hotel Wyndham is absolutely full after having been taken over by protesters from the Occupy CADS movement last weekend. The demonstrators are now camping out in more than 100 tents in the Wyndham car park. An Occupy CADS spokesperson said the Occupy groups goal is unclear as they cant work out what CADS do. But one spokesperson did mention that is was unfair that 99% of CADS members could afford to buy each other a drink before lunch.
GREEK COIN DEPICTS RAPE OF EUROPA

Ghanaian king orders 10,000 pairs of clogs as part of election campaign.

Friday November 4 one of the warmest November days on record. Beating up burglar is attempted murder, says Dutch prosecution department.

The Dutch farmer was tending to his cows in a eld when he was attacked. A passer-by saw the man lying on the ground and called an ambulance. He was taken to hospital where he died of internal injuries. What exactly happened is still unknown, but a hospital spokesman said the man was butted by the cow after using freezing cold ngers on her udder.

Ive always found it strangely odd that the Greeks feel comfortable carrying a picture of rape jingling around amongst their small change. At the centre of the Greek twoeuro coin is Zeus, the king of the gods, depicted as a bull to fool Princess Europa. Then, as soon as she climbed on his back, off he ew (literally - for gods can y), and took her - terried - to his love-nest in Crete.

CADS Report publishes private, secret, and classified nonsense about the state of the UK from anonymous news sources.

CADS REPORTALL RISE FOR THE CHAIRMAN!

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CHAIRMANS CORNER
NOVEMBER 2011

I missed our October lunch due to our brief holiday in Egypt. Mike Carn was kind enough to step in as chair, John Bright gave a good introduction to the work of the British Legion and Poppy Fund, and we raised 200 Euros for the fund from a rather sparse attendance. Well done all! This was followed up by John Richardson and me attending the wreath laying last weekend in Amsterdam. It was a moving service, with many countries represented, and a touching rendering of The Lords My Shepherd by the Amsterdam British School Choir. John Cowie ofciated, and we were accompanied by guitar, bagpipes and trumpet at various points. There was a record attendance of about 150 people, who all enjoyed coffee and cakes afterwards in the Nieuwe Oosterbegraafplaats building, courtesy of the graveyard management. A few CADS members were in attendance on behalf of other organisations, which made it most companionable. This month, Tim Cooke will come to advise us of his recent work with micro-nance projects in Kenya and Uganda. CADS has donated to help start these enterprises, so it will be of personal interest to us all. The project is sponsored by Rowan Williams, Archbishop of Canterbury, and this self-funded activity was in partnership with Major General Tim Cross, formerly head of our armed forces in Iraq. Tim Cooke has led a number of start-ups to considerable success in the UK, and we wish him equal success in Africa. The lunch is on Friday 25th November at 1230 at the Apollo. We also wish a warm welcome to two new members this month. Louise Hunter and Monty Kraayeveld. The week after the lunch, we are off to Naarden for dinner and wine sampling with the Millins, at their bar in the village. The date is Tuesday 29th November, and we will meet at 1930 in Marktstraat at De Samaritaan. Look forward to seeing you there!

Business remains difcult when was it ever different? This time, it is sovereign debt that has laid low the condence levels and created a new crisis. And as the baby boomer bulge passes into retirement, current legislation forces them to convert pension savings into annuities. Combined with a thin market in both equities and xed income this has created signicant downwards pressure on equity prices, and historic low yields on xed income. Wake up, UK and NL treasury ministers; this is in your own hands to rectify. Abolish the current annuity purchase requirements.

BLEEDING TAXPAYERS TO BAIL OUT OVERPAID AND INCOMPETENT INVESTMENT BANKS?

The Eurozone is trying to nd another trillion Euros to give to the banks to shore up their sovereign debt paper. But the American investment banks have created a shortfall of several tens of trillions, and are currently betting against Europe resolving the issue, so we need to think again. Either kick the weak sovereigns out of the Euro, and let them default on their debt after conversion to lira, drachma, punts, etc., and kiss goodbye to the panEuropean project. Or devalue the Euro debt in a controlled way, e.g. by cutting outstanding Eurobond values by 30% across the board, regardless of the sovereign issuing them, by introducing a European redemption tax on the principal. The former approach is the preferred one, as it allows a multi-speed European market. But if the politicians win, it can only be by some variant of the second approach, which will share the pain more equally by taxing the thrifty to pay the indigent. Germany, Holland and the UK, pass the plate please!

CADS Report publishes private, secret, and classified nonsense about the state of the UK from anonymous news sources.