Scene I (Kelly sits at a table in a hot highschool Gymnasium/Theater on the makeshift stage.

She nervously sorts through papers, drawings, facts, figures, scripts. She awaits the arrival of the first auditioner for her play. Time fades, and after what seems like an eternity, she stands to get her self some water, as she is walking for the door, Cindy bursts through almost running her over.) Cindy: Oh gee. Im sorry miss. I didnt see you there. Youll have to forgive me. Im Cindy Breaux. (Kelly takes a deep breath) Kelly: Im Kelly Johnson. Cindy: (getting worried) Are you here for the auditions too? Kelly: Im the director.

Cindy: Well then Ill just have to rock your socks off then wont I? Kelly: Right. Cindy: I shall begin with a dramatic cutting from the film Titanic. I will be performing the role of Celine Dion. (She takes a moment to get into character) Every night in my dreams I see you. I feel you. That is how I know you go on. Far across the distance and spaces between us you have come to show you go on. Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the heart does go on. Once more you open the door, and you're here in my heart, and my heart will go on and on. (she takes a moment) And Scene. Kelly: Okay. That was different. Cindy: You like it!? Oh my god! She likes it! For my next piece I'll be performing a cutting from the film Biodome, I'll be performing the part of Paulie Shore. Kelly: Dear God, no. I mean no thank you, I think that first piece is enough.

Cindy: ( nearly exploding all over herself ) Oh jeezums, what kind of impression am I making trying to tackle the Cindy: Youve changed my life. director on sight. Kelly: Excuse me? Kelly: Well I suppose it shows youre aggressive. Cindy: I always wanted to be a star. So I prayed to Jesus Cindy: And thats a good thing? every night. One day this big shot producer told me about a commercial. An add for Safe Sex. I went to the Kelly: It can be. audition and knocked his socks off and got myself a speaking part. After the shoot, I started getting real sick. (Cindy takes this in as though it were some deep Turns out I had a bun in the oven. So much for safe sex, metaphorical truth) and my career. Then that prick skipped town. But now, I think I have a real chance. Kelly: Anyway, whats say we get going. I have a huge list of people to get to after you. Kelly: Okay. Well its 20 after. I'll call if we need you.

Cindy: Ill be sitting by the phone all day and all night, waiting for the call. Kelly: Dont hurt yourself.

(They both keel over in a fit of laughter.) Kelly: Sadly, she was the only one to show up today.

Jamie: Well, you still have month. (Cindy exits in a flourish. Kelly resumes her waiting, seconds fade to minutes fade to hours fade to days even. Kelly: Ach, dont remind me. Nothing. No one. After a while, her phone rings. It startles Kelly out of her half awake half asleep state. She answers Jamie: Dont panic, kid. The two of us can tackle anything. the phone excitedly, after seeing the name.) Kelly: Jeffers! How you doin sweet heart? Hows the show Kelly: Oh my god! I forgot to tell you, Jeff called me back. going? Really? Now when does that finish up? Tomorrow? Jamie: And? Well, babe, Im assuming you read my email. What do you- Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. Thats great. Im so excited. When will you be down? Thats perfect. The Kelly: (completely serious) Hes turned into a woman cast? Oh well, Ive had so many heads come in to read to named Sharon, hes quit doing theater, and started day, you wouldnt believe. Its gonna be a tough call. But turning tricks were working with a lot of talented people. (Pause) Ill get a Jamie to come pick you up from the airport. I dont Jamie: What? know, this isnt that big of a production, I cant exactly Kelly: Kidding. Hell be down Saturday for the 1st rehersal. fund airfare or anything like that. Just rack up some frequent flyer miles. I swear you can be so Jewish some Assuming we have a cast. times. I know you are sheesh why do you think I said it. Jamie: Well, I posted a sheet for auditions in my class. (There is a beep on her line) Oh hold up. (She looks at Although, dont expect much, high school students tend the phone) Hey its Jamie I gotta discuss some scripting issues with her over a little SoCo. Ill see you soon. Love to be you too. Bye bye. Kelly: High school students? Scene II: Jamie: Exactly. Although, there is one kid, Jack Potter. (Jamie and Kelly are sitting on a couch, they have been Hes been involved in eve r production Ive done since his freshman year. Although Ill give you fair warning, I don't drinking some) think I've ever seen him not high. Jamie: Youre completely full of shit! Celine Dion?!?! Kelly: I'll take what I can get. Kelly: Oh yeah. And she was completely serious. She Scene III even gave her self a moment. (imitating) And scene.

(It is Saturday. Enter Jeff, the stage manager, his attempts at organization are all but futile. He lights a cigarette and begins cleaning and setting the stage) Jeff: 5 minutes. 5 minutes. In New York this would never happen. Tardiness was being fifteen minutes early. But people in Bum Fuck think showing up 30 minutes late is acceptable. Jesus Christ. She's absolutely nuts if she thinks and a bunch of community theater actors can win a regional tour of... (He picks up a copy of the script) The O'Leary Affair. She'll make it straight to the judges trash can. Maybe if this were New York... if only... (Kelly enters during the last portion of the monologue, watching him. She comes up behind him, without him noticing, and in unison, mouths the last part of the monologue) Kelly: (loudly) If only... people gave a shit eh? Jeff: (jumps) How long have you been there?

(Silence, they both do the Home Alone slap and scream, as they do that Jamie shows up) Jamie: (mockingly) What is this? A new kind of warm up? Get the blood to rush to your face. (She slaps her face and squeals) No sign of anyone. But, I finished the program. Jeff: Speaking of, do you think I could pay you to not put my name in the program? Jamie: Too late. Unless you wanna start sharpie-ing. Jeff: What's the use of a program withoutKelly: It was the easiest thing on the list to do so now all we have left is the set, the lights and a show Jamie: I'm kinda excited. Can I take a copy now and score it?

Kelly: I think we'll just wait, I want to get everyone here Kelly: Well lets just say community theater actors aren't and do a read through. that bad. And, if its any consolation, the whole script is coming in today. So now we'll be able to get into real Jeff: Well you guys have heart. But no brains. Because rehearsal. youre forgetting one thing. Jeff: Real rehearsal. Real rehearsal starting in the week of tech. I love it. Kelly: Ye of little faith, we still have 3 weeks till the first round of competition. And if all else fails, we'll have Cindy sleep with judges. Kelly: What? Jeff: You have a cast of lazy, talentless, under motivated, unpaid, unimpassioned community theatre actors. And thats being generous.

Jamie: They aren't all bad. Jeff: Ah the old lead actress sleeps with producers to sway them trick. Thats what they did with Home Alone. Jeff: No... but lemme give you an example. What time is it? Kelly: Macaulay Culkin? That is awful Kelly: 6:15ish.

Jeff: Maybe when we get back the cast will decide to Jeff: What time should we be warming up? 5:45. show up. Ha! Who am I kidding? Rehearsal should be starting at 6. We should be finished with the read through, and working on rough blocking. Kelly: Its not 6:30 yet, its still okay. Instead, there isn't a single actor here. Jeff: 6:30, eh? If they aren't here by 6:30 you have to let Kelly: Well complaining isnt going to fix anything. Lets at me lead the warm up. least do something Kelly: (regretful) Alright. But lets go get the rest of this Jeff: I call warm-up! crap taken care of. Kelly: Please don't. Scene IV

Jeff: You know there really is no choice. Todays specialty: (Jeff, Kelly and Jamie enter carrying a beat up mail Mao Zhe Dongs Official Regiment for Citizens of Red package some costumes, and paint) China. Kelly: Lets put those on the table, keep it closed till Kelly: Christ. I swear, weren't you the one complaining everyone gets here. Make everything suspenseful. that they don't work together. Jeff: What I wanna know is why you waited so long to get Jeff: Yes. the other half of the script? Kelly: Well... how do you expect anyone to want to do anything after sitting through a commie warm-up! Kelly: I filled out all the entry paperwork and selected what seemed like the easiest one, After a week or so of prep I get an e-mail from the STC saying: Dear sir or Jeff: (In a Mr. Miyagi-esque tone) In order to be one with madam, Weve received all of your information regarding the spirit of the theatre, you must balance the body, and your entry except for the list of actors for your focus the mind. performance. Please send this ASAP, so that we can send you the script. So all I have is a paragraph synopsis and Jamie: But... we don't need to kill them before they some vague character descriptions with which to start perform. auditions. And for the first week and a half 6 people showed up, and only two of them knew what monologue Jeff: Just this once, so I can get my little bit of revenge. was. That left a week to block, beat lines into their heads, rehearse, and bring everything back into one piece. Kelly: I swear I have a sadist for a stage manager. Jeff: By one piece of course you mean 3 or 4 pieces, Jamie: Alright, enough we have to move the boxes onto loosely attached together by duct tape. the stage. Kelly: Something like that.

Jamie: Alright, I'm gonna go to the back, and see if anyone has pulled up yet. Kelly: Hah, good luck. Let's see. (checks watch) 6:28. They best hurry up. I remember the first time I sat through that warm up.

frosty. Jack: Hey man, that isn't very nice.

Jeff: You know what isn't very nice? Showing up 45 minutes late! You'd think maybe someone who was trying to make it in the theater, would start by showing up on time. Just to let you know Jack this won't cut it. Jamie: Expect rebellion. Mutiny aboard the SS Failure. I'll 5:45 arrive and begin warming up then at 6:00 begin be back in 15 minutes or so with no actors. (she exits) read through and whatever else Kelly wants. What I don't understand is why this is such a difficult concept for you Jeff: (evilly) One! (He punches) Two! (He kicks) to grasp. Punctuality. Punctuality... God I need to go back Mwahahaha! to New York. (He exits in a flourish) Kelly: Ugh, whatever. Lets at least get through the cold read first. (Jeff goes over to the table, and picks up of a sheet of paper) Kelly: Sorry he's cranky. Please just get into costume maybe do some kind of warm up Jeff: (from off stage) Don't warm up! I'm taking care of that.

Jeff: You know I've never really read this thing all the way Jack: Aw whys he gotta be such a Nazi. through. The Southern Theater Conference New Works Comepetion. We here at the STC are pleased to blah Jeff: (off stage) You do know I'm Jewish right? blah. 4 actors 2 male 2 female. Script must either be a selection from the catalog attached, or an approved Jack: Come one guys, thats not cool at all. Kelly tell adaptation. Yackity Schmackity The winner of the him he cant do that competition will be given a 10 show run through some of the largest Off Off Off Off Off Broadway locations. Kelly: Unfortunately it's all youre doing. I was rooting for you guys to be on time. Alas now you must face the (Jamie re-enters, following her is Jack red eyed, baggy wrath of Mao Zhe Dong instead of Mao Zhe Bong. pants, shaggy-hair) (From off stage, there is a loud clatter and the doors Jamie: Well guys apparently this was all a big swing open Cindy enters) misunderstanding. Jack was on time but for some reason he thought the rehearsal was at Wendy's. Cindy: Oh jeez, I hope I'm not too late. My freakin' watch died, so I lost track of time. I didn't realize it'd been 3:30 Jack: I hadn't eaten dinner and was stuck in traffic... for about 4 hours.. and ran home and changed as fast as I could. Cause I was in my good shoes and I cant do the Jeff: (cutting him off) Stuck in traffic behind a joint and a right walk in my good shoes. But, I promise I practiced for

2 hours last night. Im so so so sorry. Jamie: Damn, they keep getting better and better. I bet Trish got mauled by mountain cougars. Cindy: I'm being serious. Jamie: I'm sure. Whatever, go get into costume.

Jeff: Fine. Kelly: You're a shitty liar. Jeff: No... No... I'm fine. Kelly: You should really really relax. You're gonna scare the actors one day.

Jack: See, two legitimate excuses, traffic and shoes. You Jeff: Maybe I'll shock them into a better performance. theater people are far too.... Kelly: Or shock them right out the front of the auditorium, (Jeff re-enters) back home. Remember what the goal is in this. Jeff: Far too what? Jack: Far too... Jeff: Ooh, this is gonna be good. There was a dramatic repeat. Jack: Punctilious (Jeff, Jamie and Kelly look at one another and nod in agreement. Pause) Jamie: Very astute. Jeff: (In an intensely fast frustrated voice) STOP STANDING THERE AND PUT ON YOUR COSTUME! Jack: Seig Heil! Jeff: Seriously not funny! (Jeff chases him off stage) Jamie: You okay? Jeff: The advancement of your show biz career. Kelly: Exactly. So please, don't ball bust my actors. Jamie: But, I enjoy watching it every time. Please don't make him stop. Kelly: I want a production contract, not a restraining order. Who's missing? Jamie: Doc and the mistress. Trish. She's so funny. Goes to the auditions with him. While his wife watches. Leaves the auditions with him, so his wife can have room in the car to pick up the kids. Then, they all have dinner to celebrate the night after the cast list was posted. And he agrees to drive Trish home cause she's had too much to drink, and doesn't come back until the next day. Jeff: I swear, if only these people could bring that kind of stuff on the stage, then we might actually have a show. Jamie: Yeah... Jerry Springer. So what's say we crack that sucker open and get to reading. (They move over to the table. Kelly moves towards the box. Produces a knife from her pocket, and )

Trish: Something wrong? Kelly: Ladies and Gentlemen. This is the moment we've all been waiting for. The greatest thing since screw off Kelly: Fucking My Fair Lady. beer caps. The other half of the script. Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, now for your enjoyment. I give you the Scene V exciting conclusion to The O'Leary Affair: A Brief Murder Mystery. (15 minutes later, everyone is sitting in costume, Doc is an old police detective, Jack is a slick young con man in a (She holds up the script book of My Fair Lady) suit, Trish is a Young French Maid, Cindy is a mysterious young woman in a white dress.) Jeff: Uhmmm.... Kelly. Kelly: So... I appreciate all of your timeliness, really. 7 Kelly: Oh no, I'm not finished. This script has the seal of o'clock sharp... Doc. But next time, try reading the approval from STC, and... rehearsal schedule and showing up on time. Jamie: Kelly! The script... Doc: Oh, I knew rehearsal was at 6. We were just busy Kelly: Dramatists calls it apreparing our characters for today's bore. Jamie and Jeff : is My Fair Lady. Kelly: Classic for all ages and... musical ranges? (a brief excruciating pause) Kelly: What the fuck?! (Pause during which Doc and Trish enter R) Jamie: Maybe they sent that one as a freebie. Kelly: (Reaches into the package, pulls 8 copies of Pygmalion) They are out to fucking ruin me. Fucking My Fair Lady. FUCK! (She hurls them all over the ground right at the feet of Doc and Trish SR) Doc: We're not married yet, no need for the shower. Kelly: Costume now! Stage. Sit table. Jeff: (coughs) Fucking in a motel six. Oh Jesus excuse me. Trish: Hey! Kelly: Alright enough! However two adults consenting feel it is necessary to get into character is their own business. It seems we are faced with a unique problem. Today, we were supposed to receive the exciting dramatic conclusion to our murder mystery play. Alas, we were sent 9 copies of My Fair Lady. Upon reading the script and thinking, I came to a few conclusions. One, the ending of My Fair Lady would not fit as an ending of our performance and two we are then left with very few options as to what we can do. Jamie: Basically we're up shit creek. Jeff: Does this mean I won't have to be associated with... Kelly: No.. Jeff shut up. There has to be some way out of

this. Doc: Yeah... like submitting our resignation to the contest. Trish: Or we could send them a letter saying we quit. Jack: Or we could do My Fair what am I thinking. Cindy: WHAT IF WE IMPROVED IT!?

Kelly: Now wait a minute... this may still work. Jeff: Are you crazy? Jamie: I'd have to say, seems a little far fetched with a week left. Jeff: Writing alone would take at minimum 5 to 6 days, if you started now and had good ideas.

Jeff: The word you are looking for is improv. And none of Cindy: Not if we worked as a team! you have the talent to do so. (silence) Cindy: But... there is never any other opportunities to do shows. Now come on guys, wheres your spirit. Doc: Well on that note, I'm going back home. Trish come with me. Doc: Its in my flask. Trish: Lets go baby! Jack: Well what did the STC say, when you explained our situation? Doc: Don't call me that! Kelly: They said there is little they can do but ship the Kelly: Don't leave! Stop! Wait! Lets be rational about it. proper script, or we could look into their adaptation rules. Consider all of our options... Jeff: Face it the shows over. Cindy: Adaptations? Jamie: We could do the post modern thing and just end Jeff: (reading) Script must either be a selection from the the show in the middle. Make em guess what they think catalogue attached, or an adaptation of one of the everything means. stories listed. Jeff: Yeah we'll all get black leotards. And move in unison. Jamie: So basically, we could claim that we felt necessary in the course of our adaptation to completely rewrite the end of a show. Kelly: Seriously... we could... mm. there aren't very many options left.... Cindy: Well let's do it! I'm ready. Cindy: I think we should write the whole end for real! Jeff: Good luck. Got any ideas?

Jack: I'm with you on that! Trish: It sounds like fun! Doc: Shut up! No it doesn't! Trish: It sounds stupid! Kelly: Well they seem into it. You guys realize what this means?

We can try to rewrite an ending, but I'm not sure how well that will fly. I am all about artistic creativity, and if you guys are into it, then I suppose we should. But it won't be easy. So, lets vote, are you guys up to it? Jack: Well I have no other options for theater, besides this could be brilliance in the making. Cindy: Ya! This is definitely what I need to advance. Hollywood here I come!

Doc: Yeah a bottle of scotch and a back rub, excuse me. Jeff: Hollywood meaning the B porn industry? (He grabs Trish, proceeding to drag her off stage) Cindy: What? Trish: Now wait a second. You promised we'd be artistic! Jeff: Hollywood... meaning the be famous and make lots Doc: Trust me, we will. of money industry Trish: Well lets be artistic here! Cindy: Totally. I could be the next Halle Berry

Doc: Why? This is horrible plus... I could tell my wife... (he Jamie: Jenna Jameson? stops himself) Cindy: Who? Kelly: Tell her what? Doc: Well, I love the enthusiasm, but I don't want to have Doc: That the theater isn't for me. anything to do with this. We vote no! Jeff: Try painting... Jamie: Nudes.... Doc: Not a bad idea. Trish: I don't wanna paint! Jeff: You wouldn't have to. Trish: No? Thats where I think you are wrong. We vote yes. Doc: What? We're leaving! Thats final. Trish: If you're leaving, thats okay, but I'm staying. Besides you look so mature and smart in that detective costume. I'd love to get to know Sherlock a little better. (she approaches him)

Kelly: Enough. Now. I suppose that leaves it up to a vote. Doc: Fine! Fine.. fine fine... I'll stay. (they begin to kiss We need to decide I guess, whether or not to continue. heatedly)

Kelly: Jamie? Jeff? We have our actors, are you guys gonna help us make the impossible possible?

fault, but before he can make his daring arrest, they escape into the night. End of act I. Sound good?

Jamie: Plus or minus a few things. Jamie: Got nothing better to do. So I suppose so, besides I'd love to see how you plan to go about blocking and Jeff: It just occurred to me, that since we never got the writing 15 pages in 7 days. second half of the script what if we made new characters. Jeff: Same here. Kelly: Good then its set! Lets get to work. Jeff: Well lets hear your plan! Kelly: My plan? Well thats... a good question. Scene VI Kelly: What are you actually getting into this? Jeff: Well. I think there is room for some spice in this play. And based on our circumstances, couldn't we then add say a couple of fresh faces. Give it some real story. Like have someone be the brother who comes back for revenge. For all we know that could be what happens. Certainly you wouldn't begrudge me that point.

(The table, Kelly, Jeff, and Jamie are armed with a pencil Kelly : Certainly. Well all in favor of adding new and paper) characters for the second act? Kelly: First things first, lets get a summary of whats (everyone timidly raises their hands, one after the other, happened so far. So first we start out with woman in Jeff of course is first.) white dress. She mysteriously locks the secret documents about the murder of Patrick O'Leary, eccentric millionaire Jeff: Well we'll have a vengeful brother. An old lover. And genius. Then the French finds the documents. She an old friend who is secretly undercover. discovers the secret location of all the riches. Cuts to John the Con, who woos the maid to steal the money Jamie: God you're ridiculous Jamie: Don't forget the French maid and the conman's story which makes them heirs to the fortune. Jeff: But it works.

Kelly: Fine. I'll be the old lover. Kelly: So.. yeah. Okay. Then, the woman in the white dress returns for the documents. In the mean time the Jeff: I got the vengeful brother. two are cahooting to steal the money. And she confronts them, and in a struggle the French maid kills the woman Jamie: I think I want to be a circus clown. in white, of course after she reveals that she is daughter of Patrick O'Leary. Enter Police Detective, hard stern buff. Kelly: Fine by me. We can work that in. Ready for action. He instantly deduces that they are at

Jamie: So do you think they are actually rehearsing like we sent them off to do? Jeff: Do dogs refrain from pissing when excited? Kelly: Anyway. Whether or not they are rehearsing isn't the concern. We need to get this story working. (There is a long excruciating silence) Kelly: (Shooting upwards) Okay! Okay. Okay. What if after they escape we start with the detective hell be on a hunt. Searching around, question anyone and everyone. Goes to the library, periodical section, something, finds a copy of

But is not aware of the fact that he presently is in control of the access to well basically the entire point of the play. (As Jamies monologue begins and continues, the action begins to focus more on that of the actors, who are in some stage of scene rehersal) Cindy (With a penchant for the dramatic) Oh I mustnt lose it. Where is it? Oh no. Jack: Looking for this?

(Cindy screams Psycho Shower Scene style, with overwrought hand gestures to indicate worry and fear. Hearing this, the crew is startled and stops theyre Jeff: A picture linking me to Pat. Like its me, her, and him writing momemtarily, everyone is surprised with the for this social banquet, cause Patty here was quite the intensity and volume of the scream) philanthropist, and donated bank to some obscure cumquat addict rehabilitation center. Doc: Damn, Girls got more air power than breaks on a bus. Jamie: Cumquats? Really. But its a good point where did old boy get his money? Trish: Hush Kelly: He was a share holder and partner in. Jeff: The Barnum and Bailey Circus. Linking this mysterious entourage to the Circus Clown. The last person to talk to old Patty moments before his death. Kelly: So, in a daring move Officer Doc rounds up Bobo and Long lost bro. Jamie: Well let the actual story finalize before we add any new conflicts. But the threesome congregate in a series of mishaps through Pats house. But, upon arrival discover that John the Con has made off with this locket or something that belonged to mystery woman who dies in act one. So, he being the klepto, steals anything shiny. Jack: Now, where is the safe? Trish (Reaching towards her) Oh darling please dont think about the money. Hold me. (They begin to kiss, which lasts for an awkwardly long time, Trish eventually moves herself closer into Jack) Doc (clearing his throat as loud as possible) Ahem oh excuse me something logged in the throat. Jack: (Ignoring him, continuing to act) Lets go to bed! (They walk to the stage right hand side, and sit along the walls, Doc instantly moves to sit between the two of them.)

Jamie: So the threesome go to the International House of Trish: (Fondling the exposed area of Docs chest hair Pats Cash. And place an order off the to go menu for one through his shirt) Dont worry, sugar, you can still be my architects plan and the power of sheer luck. Tear private dick any time. through the house like a cat on crack, only to discover Johnnys simultaneous arrival to the same spot. Engage Doc: (Completely flustered, runs to the stage and acts, confrontation mechanism. Insert tragic death and with a slightly different air of gusto, he inspects the area wounding of main character to add spunk. as though investigating) There seems to have been a murder, a struggle. Umm.. the uhh the victim seems to Jeff: So, Johns dead. Lover girl confesses. And they all have been stripped of a necklace at the time of her move to Tahiti and live on a boat house for the remainder assault. of their lives, building lean-tos out of cardboard, and selling bracelets to tourists. Which is quite lucrative (Jack Mouths the sound of a car driving by) so the end amen dig in. Doc: (With a hint of apathy) Oh bloody hell! They are getting away! (Upon completing that line, he returns instantly to his seat, and begins pouring and taking successive shots from a flask.) Kelly: Excellent, now all we need is a workshop, allowing the actors to jai ne se find their characters. Jeff: Find their lines. Find their anything for that matter. But since we almost have a story, lets each take a third of the act home and write it, bring it back, and get to work tomorrow. Maybe if we give them the night off tonight, theyll be more inspired to work tomorrow.

Cindy: Okay, guys, I need some feedback. I did some method work that I got from this Stanislavski guy (of course she grossly mispronounces this) And Im trying to Kelly: Sounds almost feasible. The three of us will get create a realistic death fall. What do you think? (she insanely drunk, stumble our selves to a keyboard and grossly fakes a death.) scratch together a play. We enter the jungle as scared young cubs, but leave with a play. Sorry yeah (Trish and Jack applaud, Doc grunts and continues to okay. Jamie if you would be so kind. drink.) (Jamie takes a few steps back, and belts a scream of Jack: Well I think you need a longer groan. More of an command out towards the cast, they slowly struggle their Ughh and less of an aghhh way towards the table.) Cindy: Are you sure, Ive been both ways, and something Cindy: (speaking so quickly its almost inarticulate) Jamie, tells me aghhh is the right choice. Kelly, Jeff. Weve done so much work, Im so excited. Im ready to dig into my character, when can we get started? (Back to the crew)

Doc: Yeah, lady. I got shit to do, and the liquor store closes. 30 minutes ago damn, gonna have to do it tomorrow.

(Jeff enters pensively with a look of worry, but has heard the last portion of Kellys speech. So in an attempt to echo her, he says his line as soon as she says hers)

Jack: (Moving himself and positioning himself to begin to Jeff: Drink? act) What scene are we doing, I need to prepare myself for the emotional undertones of my characters reaction. Kelly: Jeff. Kelly: About that yeah see we just kind of wrote the Jeff: (quietly positions himself, and then looks at Kelly in second half of this play in the time it took me to shave the eye) Hey, kid. Howre you doin. my pits. But we all have the combined creative energy of a gaggle of sleeping geese. So class dismissed. Kelly: I havent slept in 36. After you left, Jamie and I Tomorrow, 6? Please? spent the remainder of the evening writing segments of the script and emailing them to one another. And we (There is a general hubbub of agreement. Lights out end made a rule, every time a page was completed we each IV) took a shot. It was a very productive evening. Scene VII Jeff: So you actually have a whole script now? Thats good to hear.

(The auditorium is dark, it is the next evening, a rehersal of the second act is about to happen, Kelly is the first to Kelly: Yeah, but something smells like open cans of tuna, arrive.) and for once its not Trish and Doc. Kelly: (Checking her watch) 5:30. Hopefully 6 isnt too (Jeff laughs, but with an air of defensiveness to it) much of a problem. But hell, we almost have a play now, a script, and a chance. Yeah right, Kelly. Keep on fishin. Kelly: Ready to rock and roll? Keep on hair-braining yourself till youre blue in the face. Someone out there must hate me or something, though. Jeff: I. Well its kinda hard to explain but I cant do it. I But kid, you gotta keep on truckin. Nothing else I can do have to quit. Jesus Christ, how can I say that. But Kelly now but ride out the storm, and hope the eye pass listen directly over our heads, so we can get a breather during the middle of this shit hurricane. And when nothing (He trails off. There is a moment of silence. Then she comes for me sealed with a blue ribbon, and laced in assaults him with a barrage of slaps and fist flails, gold, Ill be left broke again, and about as close to the biz screaming the entire time) as I was when I graduated high school. I need a miracle I need a Kelly: (Almost incoherently) You selfish stupid ass motherfucker you fucking better have a dead mother.

(After exhausting herself into him, he holds her wrists back, she quiets down)

and 13 hours until the curtain goes up on my best shot at accomplishing something and you want to tell me.

Jeff: I got a call last night, I have to fly back to New York. Jeff: This isnt the best chance youll ever have. Please tell me youre joking. There are so many more Kelly: Why? opportunities. But how many times do I have to tell you, move to New York. There is a reason for it being there, so Jeff: I got a job running the revival of Grease. that people like you and people like me dont have to deal with people like them. Kelly: So you leave me for Grease? Kelly: But the fact of the matter is, youre quitting a show Jeff: This is make or break. which you are now casted in, credited for in the writing. Kelly: So you shit on me. Jeff: Its not like that. Kelly: It is. Oh, it is. Jeff: But I want you to understand how important this Jeff: Stop reminding me. Kelly: Well then take it back. Fuck Grease. Fuck My Fair Lady. Fuck The OLeary Affair fuck it all. Give youre self a break this once. Think about it, how many times have you run a production of Grease?

Jeff: A dozen. More probably. But still kid, bottom line is I Kelly: How important that is to you. You know fuck you, need to fill my bank statement with something other than Jeff. If you have the balls to sit here and tell me a shit run negative signs. of the most tired piece of shit in the entire canon of the American musical theatre is more important than my one Kelly: I want to murder you right now, but then I wouldnt shot. be able to manipulate you, once I get Jamie to back me up, we will unite our female prowess and overpower you. Jeff: But its not! Jeff: Are you offering sex to have me stay. Kelly: After this show, Im broke. This is it. Kelly: No well would you stay if I Jeff: You can do so many (There is a long silence, their eyes begin to speak the Kelly: I dont want to do so many other things the grave words theyre mouths cant fathom. During this Jamie is dug, coffin open, dirt dirty, all that remains is the enters.) funeral service, and I guess thats in (looks at watch, it is obvious the effects of time lag effect her in her Jamie: Staring contest? calculation of time) 4 no 5 days and 13 hours. 5 days

(Kelly and Jeff continue to look at each other momementarially, as though Jamie had said nothing)

Kelly: What Miss Hasnt-Been-To-Sleep-In-Years is trying to say is that weve gotta take the negative aspects of our show, and turn them around to make them positive. Jamie: (louder) Good morning ladies and gentlemen, may Weve got to spoof the show. I please have youre attention. Completely revised, revamped, and reinvigorated, straight from the horses Jeff: Spoof it? Spoof it? mouth the O Leary Affair: A Murder mystery musical comedy. Jamie: SPOOOOOOOOO-FAH I had so much fun with that word last night. Jeff: Musical comedy? Kelly: So yeah, from here on out, our mission is to turn Kelly: Oh yeah, I forgot to give you the 411, but this this play into chaos. Weve successfully done it in the conclusion came to us like a bright flash from a camera. scripting of the second act, which since you left, sort of Present and potent enough to possibly excite audience lost track of reality. Rereading, we ealized that we were members, and definitely raise cast morale. Except for basically screwed. So we did what every other red maybe Cindy, because she likes to pretend she knows blooded American does in situation, make fun of what Method is. ourselves. So, now we end the show with a musical number and a chorus line. Jeff: (mockingly) Whats my motivation? (normal) So, whats the change about? Jamie: Not only a chorus line but a chorus line of gangsters. Jamie: Well, working together to finish that script gave us a very clear perspective on the merit of this show. And Jeff: A line of singing dancing hitmen, all smiles and looking at it as a whole, the likelihood of us performing a cheers, armed with weapons of increasing mass and legitimate O Leary, and succeeding at entertaining complexity, ending of course with a squeaking rubber anyone is next to none. Except for the part Trish always chicken. fucks up, I dont think shes said that line the same way twice since weve begun, and every time it gets better. Jamie: No but... sure why not. The skys the limit here. But yeah, other than her comic gold were sailing a ship made out of rocks. So, when god hands you rocks, you Kelly: Think about it this way Jeff, its payback, sweet can only do one thing. revenge on every last mother loving one of them. Jeff: Start a riot? Jamie: No sir. Make Rocky Road. Jeff: Que? Jeff: A good dose of sadism does sound rather pleasing. Perhaps some public flogging. But if I stay, I need something from you. Kelly: Free reign over style, length, and itinerary of the warm up, including todays.

Jeff: And?

Trish: No liquor sorry. Just Vodka. Kelly: A complementary parting gift from yours truly. (she winks) (Silence) Jeff: Okay. Fine. You win. Fuck Grease anyway. Do you know how many times Ive heard the song Sandra Dee. Jamie: A million. Jeff: At least. Kelly: But have you ever seen a line of armed mafiosos dancing and singing? Kelly: Well sir, if you would be a doll and facilitate Doc: First of all dont ever call me doll again. Secondly, stop referring to part where I give you alcohol in ostentatious vernacular. Jeff: Gosh, that was quite multisylabic. Doc: Well lets all get drunk so we can stop using big words.

Jamie: So, here is the plan wait for the cast to get here, and get them drunk. Jeff: Has to be one of the wisest things Ive heard in a while Jeff: How does that help? Kelly: Well before you two race each other two the toilet, Kelly: Well first of all I need a drink, and it'll make it lets wait for everyone else. easier to tell them that we are turning the show into a circus fittingly enough. Jamie: Cindy just pulled up at about 45 miles an hour. Shes shaking like shes on meth and a double shot of (Doc and Trish enter, obviously flustered from espresso. And I think I smelt the tell tale sign of Jack from intercourse, or very heavy petting.) behind the dumpster. Jeff: Doc, this may be the one time you and I agree on something. Doc: Whats all this nonsense. Youre crazy boy. Jeff: Oh no, settle down. Tell me though sir, are you presently under the influence of, in the possession of, and enabling the acquisition of alcohol. Doc: What the hell are you talking about?! Jeff: Do you have liquor? (As she is talking about them they enter, exemplifying the description) Doc: So I got one question for you ladies, straight no chaser? (There is a loud victory yell over the decision to drink without a chaser, there is a chant, but slowly everyone but Doc exits R and grabs a drink. Leaving him alone to finish the chant and chug from his flask. Lights fade briefly. There is a loud belch. Lights fade up. We see a small train of liquor bottles lining the end of the table,

Jeff and Jack are both enjoying cigarettes, Doc and Trish Jeff: I bet our excitement couldnt add up to half of yours. are both enjoying each other. Cindy sits awkwardly close Half of Docs for that matter. to Kelly and Jamie as the two discuss ideas drunkenly) Doc: Whatd you say about Docs excitement? Kelly: But you know Jamie there is one thing you were very very very right about in this whole thing you Trish: That its twice as big as everyone elses. said fuck what did you say You said, oh yeah. When life throws you shit make fertilizer. You know (They resume making out) something it stuck. And it's true and listen without that and you and Jeff. I dunno, Id have gone off the Jamie: Alright, well what time is it now? deep end. Jack: 4:20? Cindy: Oh Kelly. Can we please get started. I cant wait. Ive been sitting here taking notes on everything youve Kelly: Funny Jack Although do you have a joint on you? said. I have some ideas. Jack: Does a something do.... yeah I got you. One sec. Jamie: Oh dear lord, this should be good. Lets hear your ideas. (Jack runs off stage to his car) Cindy: Okay. Well Im a huge Gallager fan, and well Kelly: Any objections?

Kelly: Woah woah woah. Never ever start a pitch for a Cindy: What would my children say? legitimate theater idea with Im a huge Gallager fan. Second Ive decided to keep your character the same. Jeff: Hold that shit in Mom. Although, there may be room for watermelon smashing just yet. Cindy: Do you think it will help Kelly? Cindy: Youre so smart. Id love to work with you again after this. Jeff: (walking up) Well if this shit sandwich tastes good enough to them, we should be together for quite sometime. Jamie: Goodie goodie gum drops. I cant wait. Cindy: Me neither. Seriously guys Im excited. (Jack re-enters, smoking a joint. He comes center and blows a large plume of sweet smelling smoke) Kelly: Absolutely. (They all gather around in a circle, and begin smoking as the lights are fading. We see all of the cast smoke and proceed to cough and gag except for Jack.) Jack: Don't let it run. Doc: I haven't smoked in almost 20 years.

Cindy: (giggling) Oh my god I cant feel my anything hahahahahhahahaha. (The entire cast is consumed in laughter, as the lights begin to fade, there is the sound of coughs, laughter.) Scene VIII

act and now manager of the circus, Bobo M. Stephenson, Child Entertainer extraordinaire. This investment was seen as a philanthropic move on OLearys side. (To himself) But are there other motives? (Jamie enters dressed in complete clown garb)

Jamie: I swear, I never saw a dime of the money. We were supposed to get the check signed over to us days (The lights here are set for a performance, which should before he passed, but we get a letter saying the funding be markedly different from what they had been up until has been cancelled and that there has been a this moment. This is the first performance of Act II of the misfortunate accident in the OLeary Family. I knew something was fishy, because I talked to Pat days before, OLeary Affair. Doc is the only character on stage, he and he said well that he was scared. Of what I dont sways slightly, holding a script in his hand, reading.) know. Doc: (miming reading through a book) Patrick OLeary Doc: Does the Name John OConner strike you as Patrick OLeary. Patty OFurniture, Patrick Oqueery. Smeer the queer. (He stops, and takes a sip from a flask) familiar? Jeff: (From off stage) Stick to the script Doc! Doc: You stick to the script! (He confuses himself momentarily but then resumes speech) I must find something that will tell me the whereabouts of Fatdick OHarry. Jamie: Say the name right! Doc: Slapstick Ron Jeremy. (no one laughs) Fine. Patrick OLeary. Hes got to be somewhere in these public records. Let me see. What's this? (Holding up a small piece of paper) Jack pot. Jack (Jokingly from off stage) Where? Jeff: You mean the OLeary lawyer? Hes the one who delivered the news about OLeary. Doc: You sir, come with me! We must find this OConner instantly. Kelly: (Speaking over everyone) Jamie youre beautiful. Doc, give me a little more volume for the next scene, and no more pot jacks Joke. Jack: Did you just say. Jamie: Shut up, I know what I just said. (she giggles) Kelly: Moving right along, now we have a big confrontation scene. This scene gradually fades into a song and dance number about the life and times of Patrick OLeary.

Doc: Patrick OLeary, eccentric millionaire genius, has just made the largest ever single investment into The Barnum and Bailey Circus?!? (A circus themed music begins to play) He signed over a check to the former star Scene IX

(It is now opening night of the performance, it is moments before the actors go on stage for the final scene, we are noted of this transition by the sobriety, quality, and presentation of this last scene. They are the last performance of a long day.) Jack: Alright sweet heart come on in, it looks like the coast is clear. Trish: If you say so. Oh god, I dont want to run any more.

Doc: I did indeed. This (referring to Kelly) is Iron Dong McChong and this (referring to Jamie) is Iron Ass McGrass. Jack: Those are the worst names Ive ever heard. Doc: Dont ask me buddy, its just in the script. Jack: Is that in the script?

Doc: Oddly enough it is. Jack: Well we cant let that creep detective find us. Were only 30 miles from the border honey, then were lost in (Jack and Doc stare intently at the audience) another world, with a million dollars. Jack: So how will we settle this? Trish: Oh I love you. Doc: A duel to the death! (There is a pounding at the door) Kelly: (With a thick undistinguishable accent.) In my country we settle everything with song and dance. Doc: (Offstage) Open up. This is the police. Jack: You arent the police. Youre a private dick! Doc: I may be a dick. But atleast Im not a crook! Jack: Crook-Shmook! I earned everything I took! (The entire cast gasps as a light change happens, focusing on Kelly, music begins to play) Kelly: (Singing while talking) His name was Patrick O Leary, and I need no query as to whether or not hes worth a lot because hes the

Doc: Thats real slick, Rick. But this dick is about to dock (The entire cast joins in they form theyre dance line) in your harbor. Jack: That doesnt really make a lot of sense. But Ive locked the door anyway to prevent your entry! (There is the sound of gun shots and breaking lock, the team of Doc, Jeff, Jamie, and Kelly burst through the door.) Jack: I see you brought your hired thugs. Excentric millionaire. Spending without a care Philathropy with flair. Because hes Patrick OLeary, And there is no query, As to whether or not Hes worth a lot.

He worked nine to five with a purpose And then retired to bed He gave all his earnings to the circus And woke up to find himself dead Oh Patrick OLeary! Oh Patrick O Leary Give me a beer-ee and cry me a tear-ee For Patrick O Leary. (Coda) Because theres no query As to whether or not Hes worth a lot.

Cindy: Well, years with kids will teach you how to do somethings right. Jeff: And Id just like to say that Trish looks so hot in that outfit that I almost came out of my costume on stage. Jamie: Arent you gay? Jeff: Nah. I act like it because a gay stage manager gets more work in the city, because hes more organized, more like a woman. Jamie: Well you sure fooled me.

Jeff: Well arent we all actors after all. (We hear a loud burst of applause. They all line together and bow and run off stage.) Kelly: Well then on that note. (She violently and passionately kisses Jeff, he almost buckles under her, but Scene X soon recovers with his own intensity) (The cast stands in a circle still in make up but wearing street clothes) Kelly: We did it guys. There is no going back now. Regardless of what happens we are all winners. Jeff: I was surprised at how good you two sounded out there. Stellar job. Jack: Thank you. But you inspired me. Jeff: Hows that? Jack: Because youre an asshole. Jeff: Well at least it came in handy. Jamie: Id just like to give a hats off to Cindy for the scream in act one. It scared the crap out of me. Contest Announcer: (Over a microphone) Ladies and gentlemen thank you all for gathering together again and waiting after such a long day. But I know youre all excited. Going to New York this year to represent the STC is The OLeary Affair adaptation group. (everyone in the cast squeals with delight) Doc: (Imitating the popular TV ad) NEW YORK CITY!?