Philanders Most sPlendiferous source of news and GossiP.

Vol. 3, issue 12

March 30, 2011

turns Back into the newscoPe at MidniGht

Lords Finish Nationals With Thirty-One Championship Titles

Perennial Rivals Denison University Sent Home With Just One
By Charlie Adams KNOXVILLE, TN After an electrifying weekend of competition at Knoxville, Tennessees Allan Jones Aquatic Center, the Kenyon Lords swimming team returned home last Sunday with a record thirty-one national championship titles under their belt. Longtime rivals Denison University finished with just one. We really sent em packing, reported Hal Kressna 13, a self-proclaimed Lords Superfan. Those boys from Denison were lucky to get out alive. Im amazed they managed to pull out even a single first-place finish. Kenyon started the weekend strong, as brilliant performances by Nicky Jones 85 and Justin Larpinos 03 helped secure Kenyons first thirty-one victories. In one of the events most dramatic finishes, Matt Jackson 92 won the 200m freestyle by 12 hundredths of

InsIde ThIs Issue

Vegetarian Station Spoon Touches Pork Chop

a second in 1991 just barely enough to qualify for the final. As Kenyon continued to dominate the water, other teams floundered. Despite having entered the tournament seeded third, the Emory University Eagles were hampered by early losses and failed to capture a single NCAA DIII victory in the whole weekend. Meanwhile, following an excellent showing in the diving competition, Denisons

Big Red mens team emerged as the Lords most serious opponent. By the end of the weekend, the Big Red had garnered enough points to qualify for a single championship title a very respectable finish for such a young team. Im actually glad that Denison managed to get at least one, reported Kenyon swimmer Joe Tran 12. Sometimes you need a little boost just to keep you working hard.

Kenyons swimmers after the championship.

Apple Store Outlet Planned For New Art History Building Ex-Girlfriend Hooked Up With CMH Refugee Camp Fills With Ride-Needers

Only That Sophomore Girl Did Reading Hogwarts School Celebrates Third
By Clams Casino LENTZ HOUSE Last Tuesday night, wide-eyed glances around the room in Professor Anna Weis Shakespeare seminar confirmed that every student failed to finish reading Measure for Measure, except for that sophomore girl. Before class started, said Jared Heissenger 14, Professor Wei was trying to make conversation with me about the play. She was all, Howd you like it? Pretty sexy? I had no idea if the play was or wasnt sexy so I just kind of smiled and shrugged, trying to gauge her reaction. Before Wei began the class discussion, students reportedly skimmed the first and last chapters and creased back the pages of Measure for Measure with the intent of making the the books look worn from reading. Meanwhile, sources reported, English major Carson Moscowitz 13, looked at her planner and set out her pack of colored pens. Although Wei asked specific quest he kenyon collegiat e

tions about the nature of absolute power and the corruption of authority figures, she was met with comments about the imagery and likeability of the characters. Moscowitz, however, had reservations about the claims of her peers. Seriously? she asked, I mean the images created in the text are, I mean, pretty horrifically disturbing, and these are some of the most abominable, irredeemable characters ever written in the English language. I was totally screwed, McMillen would later admit. I was so careful to only speak conceptually without mentioning any actual content of the play. Luckily, I made a quick save and mentioned how, although the characters were thoroughly despicable, I appreciated their humanity. After Wei asked her class the point at which Angelos gynophobia played out in his interactions with Isabella, Moscowitz reportedly raised her hand

Annual Kenyon College Day

By Dingo Rockefeller HOGWARTS This past Friday, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry held its third annual Kenyon College Day, a whimsical, day-long celebration of the popular learning institution. Professors, staff, and students alike turned out in droves to take part in the numerous college-themed activities. One such activity was dinner, where the dining hall was decked out in purple and gold and every menu item represented something from the Kenyon world. I loved the creative dishes they came up with, said student Spirrius Droge 12. Pressed Cubano sandwiches and stromboli? Thats hilarious! Apart from dining options, there were numerous Kenyon Crafts located around the school. This is so much fun, said Chartreuse Percolate 13,

plastering stickers onto a palm-sized glass bong. I feel just like a real Kenyon student! The day of festivities was truly a Hogwarts-wide event. Prefects organized games of flip cup and beer pong, with winners receiving prizes such as a Kenyon diploma or an inflated sense of self worth. In addition, the Hufflepuff Swimming Team a preexisting club that plays a version of the fanciful Kenyon sport put on a spirited game. Even faculty members participated, with Gnarloff Bruldraugh, Head of Ravenclaw House, dressing as the celebrated character Olof Palme, and Muggle Studies Professor Funnictium Burberry reading passages from Kenyons Code of Conduct to a cheering crowd. Overall, whether you are a die-hard

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Seniors Jealous Of Art Majors, Want Cool Party Too

By Pumpy Calico OLIN LIBRARY On March 21, the first group of senior exercises in studio art opened in Olin Gallery. Students who attended the opening enjoyed schmoozing with art professors, free cupcakes, and a chance to see the art projects up close. Some students, however, took more from the experience than just aesthetic enjoyment. I walked around the gallery opening, seeing everyone with tumblers of sparkling juice and smiles on their faces, and I thought to myself, Why shouldnt my comps be this fun? said English major Annette Greeber 11. I want a cool party, too. Upon returning to her Caples suite, Greeber decided to have a gallery opening of her own. She invited all of her friends over the next night. Peter Fredricksen 11, who attended the party, was not very impressed. It was pretty lame, Fredricksen said. All she did was tape her honors thesis to the wall and put out a box of Triscuits. There was nothing to do, and the essay was so heavy that it kept falling. Despite the seeming lack of success of Greebers opening, her idea has caught on. This is like seventh grade all over again, when all the Jewish kids got awesome parties for their Bar Mitzvahs and all I got was stupid con-

Bottom Bunk To Top Bunk: You Still Awake Up There?

By Granny Hayes and Dash Riprock MCBRIDE Mike Holdermann 14 plummeted into a tailspin of existential panic yesterday when he began questioning the meaning of life as he settled into the bottom of his extra-long twin bunk bed. Holdermann, who has been seen in the KAC lifting heavy freeweights and high-fiving friends, looked to his bunkmate for a moment of solace from the inescapable thoughts. I mean, I dont know Jim [Port 14] that well. I just thought maybe . . . hed want to talk. Holdermann, who mostly drinks Red Bull and Vodka separately or together proceeded to ask Port about where people go when they die.

firmation class, said biochemistry major John Karl 11. Well Im not letting that happen again.

All she did was tape her honors thesis to the wall and put out a box of Triscuits.
Karl invited all of his closest friends and family to watch him finish his research project. It ended up just being my mom watching me look at some slides under a microscope, Karl admitted. But you damn well better believe that there were cupcakes.

Greebers and Karls parties are only two in a string of incidents of seniors trying to make their comps more public. Many other seniors have hosted gallery openings in their rooms, while political science major Dennis Regenbach 11 has seceded from the country with several of his DKE fraternity brothers. Additionally, religious studies major Hannah Scrip 11 has disappeared, along with seven freshmen girls, which may or may not have been related to her senior exercise. Sources report finding stubs of tickets to Tibet in her room and the charred outline of a pentagram burned into her carpet.

Karl celebrating the culmunation of his hard work.

I mean, I dont know Jim [Port 14] that well. I just thought maybe . . . hed want to talk.
I was just thinking about, uh, how were all just a lot of atoms that float around and that my atoms are just like, you know, the same as everyone elses, explained Holdermann, and like all those atoms are just a bunch of kinetic energy . . . but where does all that energy go? Holdermann, who is taking a class on kinetic energy pass/fail, started to worry about the fabric of his own reality. And, if were all made up of the same stuff, Holdermann continued, uh, how do I know that, like, Im not you and you arent me? I might be Jim Port, you know? Like I might actually be you. Holdermann, who was overheard saying fuck bitches, make money to a registrar employee, began to realize that these questions could be taking a similar toll on his roommate. Uh, I know these questions are big and like you dont have to answer, well, not now, at least. But Im just glad you listened, you know? said Holdermann. Of the incident, Port said Oh, last night? Slept pretty well that night. Had one of those dreams where youre in your house but its not your house, its your school, but anyway, good sleep. Didnt wake up once.
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New Profile Picture Shatters Misogynists Perceptions of Gender

By Sheridan Whiteside LONG ISLAND, NY A prominent campus misogynist who has asked that his name not appear in print, reported Tuesday that his outlook on gender had been completely reformed by the new Facebook photo of Ben Stevenson 13. Late Friday night, after reading updates on some of his his favorite chauvinistic blogs, including mensjustice.net, maxim.com and mensrights.blogspot.com, the misogynist said he logged on to Facebook, where he was greeted by Stevensons This Is What A Feminist Looks Like profile picture. Sources confirm that upon seeing the picture, the enraptured misogynist peered in disbelief at the bold expression, tears streaming down his face into his now-warm Natural Ice. Summoning inner strength, the misogynist then compiled a list of everything he believed about women: their status as second-class citizens, the hilarious effect incurred by using them as the punchline of jokes, their existence as objects for sexual gratification, and general deep-seated beliefs fostered by a tradition of hundreds of years of sexism. Then, with the hopeful face of Stevenson in his minds eye, he symbolically crossed each entry off the list, one by one. It was the most liberating moment of my life. I felt urged no, compelled! toward fighting for womens rights around the world, he said in an interview. Hardened with a newfound determination, the misogynist promptly joined the war for social justice, immediately adding a This Is What A Feminist Looks Like frame to his own profile picture. I wanted to get my message out in a way that really addresses the problems at hand, he said. The misogynists new profile picture features the Feminist frame around his original photo, which depicts him making sexual advances on an intoxicated woman. Back on campus, Stevenson was modest about his contribution to the

cause. Its like a giant fuck you! to all those women-hating bigots out there who routinely check my Facebook profile, he commented, apparently unaware that his new picture had already exerted incalculable influence on the lives of thousands. Its time men started to listen to the women around them. They deserve our respect. All of them. Except for sluts, that is.

Stevensons influential new profile photo.

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For The Love Of God, Kill Me! Im Watchin All Of You!

By Chalmers Library What drove you to play this twisted game of creation? Even the trustees begged you to stop: build an expansion, they said, or another library altogether. But you ignored them. Your blueprints were already set, that fire in your eyes already burning. To fuse two separate buildings into one unnatural library only a tortured mind could conceive such a deed. A special kind of hell awaits you, Graham Gund. Would that I could play your Charon. Eeaaahhh! Graaaahh! Every plank in my walls, every beam in my frame, cries out in pain at this grim existence! No every plank in our walls. For neither I nor Olin can truly call our beings our own anymore. Our lives belong to each other what taunting shades of them remain. Even now I can feel Olins presence in my mind. It does not speak, but I can sense it lurking, listening in on my very thoughts. I can only wonder how long I have before Olin begins to influence them, to sow its seeds of corruption within the walls of my final stronghold. A few months? Or maybe that day of reckoning has come and passed already. And so I arrive at my final request, dear reader: Kill me! For all the worlds compassion, end this cursed unlife and set me free! If this message ever reaches human eyes if my writing this isnt some delusion or fever dream you must be my angel of mercy. Let me die. Please. By Yolanda Taunton, Switchboard Lady

Opinion

Theres indiscriminate bite marks on everybodys haunches and dont nobody know why. Ill let you in on a little known secret, my little fornicators. The upper ups dont want you to know this some liberal sissy garbage about amendment violations and maintaining a false sense of privacy amongst the student populace wah wah blah but I do more than just wait around the office for the phone to ring, practicing my shifty-eyed and dubious look all night (though. admittedly,

Hello? Can anyone hear me? I was once called Chalmers, the library of Kenyon College. Chalmers that proud name mocks me now, so ill does it befit the abomination I have become. For three long decades, that hell-spawned fiend Olin has been slowly devouring me, feeding off my being as our structures inexorably fuse. We have grown upon and within each other like mutual parasites, living one horrible life instead of two. But it was not always this way, dear reader! I was a whole library once. Students learned and created within my walls, safely nestled from the elements and from the worries and trials of the outside world. I was complete then, and my life was one of quiet dignity. Its memory is dim and fading now. Perhaps I would be happier without it. Those were the days before the architect came. Gund, you madman!

Hi ho! Yolanda Taunton here, in the Safety office. Just waiting for you to fuck up. What with the sheriff on leave after that nasty meth lab ectopic teen pregnancy explosion last week down on Wiggin street, the night shifts been awful lonely round here recently. He says the baby spoons bout to unfuse from the side of his face any day now, but a girls gotta find some way to pass the time while she waits for the rooster to return. And let me tell you what: increased attention to the task at hand here in the Safety office has only showed me how much a no-nonsense moral clarity and sense of emotional charity like my own are needed on the battle royale of loose morality and poor decision making that you all are callin a college. Just like with my show ponies, spring rolls around and good sense goes right out the window. Kora Radella Professor of Dance

Every time you proxy swipe that K-Card, yo stunk ass ID picture pops up on my monitor.
that takes work). Im watching you, Susan Reifmichelle, Jonathon Marquez, Reilly Thinton, watching you come and go like loose sails caught in a tarty wind. Since Jesus (or Yahwhatever, halla blah blah) seems to hold no guilt-laddelin force of moral oppressionism on yalls process of decision-making, Yolanda here is steppin in and takin names. Big sister is watchin yall. Every time you proxy swipe that K-Card, yo stunk ass ID picture pops up front and center on my monitor. Yeah, Im not checking muh bracket, not readin Jezebel, Im watchin yo

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STUDENTS

Freshman Quad Skunk 14

Hannah Santa Anna 14 Prissy Doodle 14

Eric Holdener Professor of Geology

FACULTY
Totals so far: Students: 51 Faculty: 53

Vs.
What is your greatest fear?
Woah! Haha. You shouldnt sneak up on a guy like that!

Insignificance in the eyes of history. In the river bank! Found a turtle.

Weve got a lot on our plate.

Becoming disconnected from my locus. Duh. . . . Im an artist. Quinoa. Loaves and loaves of quinoa bread.

Erosion.
Hed probably fashion a pocket for himself.
Finally took my famous buttes road trip. I havent hung out since I was on the monkey bars!

Graduating. What the little girls said. Languished. Drifting apart.

Where does a fish keep I swear, I had half a mind to spray you right there! his money? What did you do on Spring Break? Why havent we hung out this year? Total Correct
But no. Im a friendly skunk! Youve got nothing to fear. Ill just be on my way, then. Farewell!

Sprained my opponens pollicis.

Zero

Two

Three

One

c ollegiate@kenyon.e d u

Student Body Seeing Vaginas Everywhere After Vagina Monologues

By Billy Hughes HORN GALLERY This past weekend, the Crozier Center for Women presented The Vagina Monologues, a series of monologues focusing on female sexuality, individuality, and empowerment. Since advertisements for the production first began to appear, members of the student body have begun to see vaginas hidden in everyday life. The posters, which feature a pair of lips turned sideways to resemble a vagina, at first seemed innocuous to many. The first time I looked at it I didnt really notice anything amiss, said Kara McKay 13, but then I noticed that the upper corner of the mouth was slightly more defined than the other and I was like, Jesus, that looks like a clitoris. Whenever I brush my teeth, I have sudden flashes of my parents bedroom and have to sit down, said Will Peters 12. Also, anytime I bring something pointy towards my mouth, I instinctively recoil in terror. A commotion broke out in Peirce Hall early Thursday when Richard Birge 14 saw several labia hidden in his oatmeal. He just started screaming, throwing oatmeal all over the table, said witness Keefe Bard 12. It was like Close Encounters of the Third Kind, added Bard, He just started making a giant vagina out of oatmeal on the table, down to all the finer details. Students have reported seeing vaginas in everything from Kleenex boxes, hot dog buns, and double doors. Ive been studying the layout of campus, said John Franklin 11. There are vaginas all over the place: the sculpture in the science quad, the front of Rosse Hall, the gentle curves of Mather and McBride, Weaver Cottage nestled at their crest. Jesus, added Art History major Ellen Spiers 13, Georgia OKeefe makes so much sense all of a sudden.

Administration Implements Day Of Hysterical Confusion

By Dash Riprock GAMBIER Kenyon celebrated its first ever Day of Hysterical Confusion Wednesday to mixed reception. Throughout the day, Reslife, Safety, and Information Systems teamed up to create unparalleled levels of confusion on campus, including sending the entire student body an email to inform them that the internet was down, canceling a practice tornado siren due to an actual tornado, and failing to restock Peirce with Mallow-Oats. It just came to us, reported director of Reslife Patti Maggart. We were sitting around at a meeting asking ourselves, what can we do to keep the midterm doldrums at bay? And then it just hit us well sow biblical levels of abject chaos when theyre trying to go to class and then send them eighteen vaguely phrased text messages about it! Its brilliant! The email was my idea, said Systems Analyst Troy Alberts. I drove seven miles to use the wireless at the Naz to send that puppy. Some of my associates were afraid it would create some kind of cyber vortex, but I believed in it, you know? I consider it my opus.

We consider the event a tremendous success, Provost Sam Framingham announced. We expect it will be the first of many to follow in coming years. Aside from it being a fun way to spice things up every once in a while, it presents the community with a refreshing respite from the hyperorganized efficiency we normally operate on as a campus. When there are students huddled in the fetal position in every corner of campus mumbling to themselves about the end times, well know weve done our job. In the past few semesters weve perfected our emergency alert system to such an extent that things have

frankly gotten boring! Maggart said. In this tech-savvy age, we thought it would be fun for students to see what its like not to be updated with specific, uniform information as incidents occur. Why not replace predictability with giant ice balls falling from the sky? In my opinion, it was a hoot! When asked what she thought of the day, Elise Wear 13 responded that it was a pretty big inconvenience. No, I didnt like it much at all. Wears roomate, Jamie Cullain 13 remarked that she wished someone had told her thered been a tornado.

For an entire day, the campus was thrown into chaos.

What Happens To A Mulligan Deferred?

By Ichabod Townley GAMBIER Now that spring has come to Gambier, the end is in sight for members of the class of 2011. During this hectic period of comps and preparation for final exams, many are reflecting on their time as an undergraduate. For many, a part of this reflection concerns the use, or misuse, of the mulligan. But what is a mulligan? According to professor of psychology Charles Sptzle, the mulligan is more than an institutionalized get-out-ofjail-free card. The mulligan, says Sptzle, can be thought of as a psychic entity akin to the id. It is the part of our subconscious that says, Fuck this shit. Recently, Sptzle has been conducting research to find out what happens to alumni who forgo their mulligan privilege while at Kenyon. He had this to say about his rather surprising findings: What weve discovered is that students who dont use their mulligan while at Kenyon are very likely to exercise it inappropriately later on in life. He went on to describe alumni who, after completing college without exercising their mulligan, showed an increased frequency of what Sptzle describes as sudden onset apathy. These former students suddenly walk out on job interviews, first dates, and funerals, reportedly muttering, Fuck this under their breath. In more serious cases, individuals have been known to mulligan long-term friendships, engagements, and even firstborn children. However, this does not happen to everyone. Obviously the mulligan is more pronounced in some than in others, Sptzle explained. Those with an overdeveloped sense of mulligan are more likely to experience mulligan-related setbacks after college. The best way to avoid these setbacks, according to Sptzle, is to exercise the mulligan when it is still appropriate. Exercising the mulligan while still in school provides a sort of catharsis that can mitigate these adverse effects.

From Hogwarts, page 1.

enthusiast or just a casual fan of the legendary institution of higher learning, you were sure to find something fun at Kenyon College Day. As Zamboni Flumpington 11 put it, I was really impressed with how into character everyone got. I mean obviously all the Georgia Nugent costumes were great, but my favorite was the girl who dressed up as reference librarian Fang Fang. She had her down to a T, and thats what this day was all about!
t he kenyon collegiat e

Jerry Trundle 12 is not worried about these new findings. I love the mulligan. I think Ive mulliganed about half my classes. When a friend explained to Trundle that the mulligan could only be used once, he replied, Sure, according to the registrar. Stacy Garish 07, however, was not as liberal with her mulligan. As a result, Garish has recently mulliganed her marriage with Kevin Finch. According to Finch, his new wife suddenly decided to mulligan their union after complaining that the marriage was nothing like the description he provided and that she was unable to keep up with the work and under a lot of stress this semester. Colin Boed 09, another afflicted alumnus, claims to have recently mulliganed a bowel movement. Boed later reported, I probably could have withdrawn passing but, eh, fuck it.

Spring Stampede : High Schoolers, Parents Storm Campus

By Ming Shei Huarez RANSOM LAWN On the morning of March 26, a prodigious herd of teenagers and their parents stampeded onto campus, upsetting the Kenyon ecosystems delicate balance. The sudden influx of folder-carrying animals, dubbed Junior Visit Day by the Office of Admissions, disrupted native students grazing patterns, clogged Middle Path, and distracted senior English majors, who were taking their exhaustive comps examination. When that tour group came through Sam Mather, it was like in The Lion King with the wildebeest only instead of Mufasa, my concentration was trampled, explained English major Christine Witherspoon 11, speaking in the type of metaphor common to her breed. Those of the senior subspecies Musicus majoribus took refuge in the basement of Storer for the duration of the stampede. The Office of Admissions has developed effective practices for corralling other varieties of high schoolers, but Saturdays young mixed pack proved more difficult to manage. When were dealing with admitted students or international applicants, we can usually maintain the upper hand without resorting to cattle prods, said Deputy Dean of Admissions Lawrence Mankstor. We drive them into a large space like Gund and feed them pizza, and they usually settle down. Parents, well, theyre pests, but if you just let them wander the campus theyre pretty harmless. If approached, dont startle them by revealing the truth about the Kenyon party scene. Just point them towards Ransom Hall and well take it from there. The unruly herd that rambled onto the hill Saturday consisted of not only the volatile Junior breed, but also their highly excitable Middle Aged counterparts. According to Dr. Zachary Marvin, a wildlife expert from the Columbus Zoo, conditions can quickly become dangerous when the two breeds intermingle. You get large numbers of eager parents and their bored teenagers together on a Saturday morning in an unfamiliar habitat, usually immediately following a long car ride, and youre looking an ideal setup for stampede. The parents are inquisitive, the kids are restless, and youve got trouble, Marvin explained. According to maintenance worker George Pogman, Kenyons grounds staff is used to the migratory patterns of alumni and trustees, but exotic species can be highly destructive.

From Watchin, page 2.

ass. I know where you are and who you be where you are with you be where you was with. Every time you cross the quad to shamefully visit his room in Leonard, Ms. Grace-Ann Montgomery of Lynchburg, VA, at 2 AM on a Wednesday, I know. Every time you slip into McBride after nipping a third bag of Fritos from Gund Commons, Mr. Chestor Washington II of Big Wood, IN, I know. And listen here, Mr. Thang, George Lewis-Grisham of Big Sky, KY, I can see you makin the rounds, spreadin yoself round Lewis, Norton and Gund all in one night. Have you no shame? Just last night, no sooner had I put my puppies up on the desk and settled into the most recent edition of O did I see Ms. Hayden Gracewater swiping herself into Watson for another questionable liason with that dull Parker Cooley. I had her on the phone faster than a meth-laced squirrel. Dont do it, Hayden! I said to her. I said, you know what happened last time you went to Watson, Ms. Lady. Youre better than that two-bit excuse for a Physics minor. What about Robert Moreland of Groves Peak, GA, all alone over there in Farr Hall? I see he special ordered the new Glenn Beck from the Bookstore, and still has plenty left over to take you out for a scoop of black raspberry chip or an egg bagel some time. Why cant you take an interest in someone upstanding, someone straddling a moral high ground like good old Robert? How about you just walk yourself back to Caples, Ms. Lady, before I have to call the nice scrappy lady officer with the snaggle tooth to escort you and the good sense your momma gave you back to Caples in the Safety golf cart.

Sometimes you get a rabid guest lecturer or one of those pesky Horn Gallery bands, but you can usually trap those varmits and release them back into the wild before their disease infects the livestock here, Pogman said. Pogman further testified that in rare instances, invasive critters can be domesticated. Back in spring 2006, we tamed a visiting professor of poetry by feeding the little guy bagels and letting him roost in the vacant house of someone on sabbatical, Pogman recalled. In the face of such chaos, the Office of Admissions called on maverick tour guides such as Hank Roughrider Ridgewood 13 and Kaitlin Whiskeybreath Williams 12 to round up the untamed visitors and lead them out to pasture in the soccer fields. It was a rough morning, but I sang them an amusing lil song about the post office and the Peoples Bank ATM, said Williams. Roughrider thinks you need a rifle to make em giddyup, but I maintain that even the most jaded and hostile high school junior can be lulled into cooperation.

Student Voices: Spring Break

From Sophomore, page 1.

while other students opened their books at random, skimming for the names Angelo and Isabella. At one point, I put my hand up a tiny bit, continued McMillen, But Professor Wei smelled fear on my musk. I was hoping she might call on that sophomore girl first. I just mumbled something about actions being pervasive throughout the text, rather than having any sort of beginning or end. I mean said Moscowitz after the class, its pretty obvious that the first time we see him acting on his fear of women is when he assaults her. Thats not really up to interpretation. Its in act two, scene four. If anyone had actually read the play, heard anything about it, or even looked at the back cover, they would have known that.
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Yoo-Hoo! Gossip Squirrel Here!

Watch out, girls you know what they say about the big cats.

cal skunks thatve been on the prowl. Word is that a certain swath of Kenyon men have moved on to the mane event, and the furs about to fly on

By The Vultures on the Water Tower

Were Counting Down The Days To Your Demise

Wakey wakey, Lords and Ladies, Gossip Squirrel here. Whats heating up on my radar? This little quadruped hears youve been busy beating round the bush, not to mention the bier. As March goes out, more lion than lamb, it seems its more than the lo-

this spring safari, ladies. But watch out, girls you know what they say about the big cats. More often than not, theyre packing more than a long tail between those legs. Be sure not to fall too hard, no matter how many spots that leopards got. And as the winter chill finally takes its bow, and the sweet spring temptations of Gambier are yours again, remember, my spring chickens, dont count your eggs before they hatch, or before you know it youll be left all poached, while everyone else lives the good life, sunny side up. You know you love me, XOXO, Gossip Squirrel.

From the twenty-fifth day of the ninth moon, we watched with beady eyes and clacking beaks as you entered into our hallowed sanctum in your parents Volvo. As you wheeled past our water tower, you brimmed with a false hope that your boxy steel cage might shield you from imminent

doom. But hark! With every passing second your feeble struggles for life ebb closer towards annihilation. We are ancient creatures born of the demon Abezethibou, sent to peer upon this miserable world with our glistening skulls, baldened by wisdom. Our talons clutch the secrets of the universe and our wings billow with the eternal winds of time. When the star Arcturus reaches its apex in the saccharine mists of the vernal season, the celestial bodies will align in an unholy nexus, reclaiming the life from your trembling young bosom. Normally sated by the flesh of rotting carrion, our tongues now smack with relish for the savory zest of manflesh. Too long have we watched you with your satchel and bounding optimism as you bound towards Bexley Hall, but your foolish gait will soon be halted forever. The scent of pestilence rises on the air. Armed with our reeking, corrosive vomit, we have silently sat and watched for eons. But no more. Now is our time to speak, and soon we shall dine.

By Gunderson Threeply

Spring Has Sprung; And With Envenomed Talons It Lulls Me Into A Neurotoxin-Induced Stupor
inside, so were ready for another year of drinking shitty beer at lousy parties listening to music we hate, another year of thinking were definitely funny enough to be in Fools On The Hill and being proved hilariously wrong. Another year of a capella concerts. Spring is the only time of year where I dont yell into my scream-pillow until I fall asleep every night because my brain cant handle the crushing despair I feel on a daily basis. And yet all you idiots seem to want to do is fantasize about things in the future. What in all of Gods green earth is wrong with you people? But Gunderson, Im going to Oxford next year, why shouldnt I be excited about that? youll ask. You shouldnt be excited because, and lets be frank here, youre probably going for one reason: because you want desperately to be somewhere with more widespread namedrop-appeal. Unless Im mistaken, you cant stand the fact that whenever you say you attend Kenyon College everyones eyes glaze over as they say, Oh, thats nice, but you can tell they really dont care how amazing your creative writing seminar was. That, and youre under this illusion that if you get a degree from a prestigious school, youll have nothing but success until the day you die and you wont attend a mediocre MFA program and end up teaching a creative writing course at the local community college for doddering seniors. You know who else went to Oxford? Jay Gatsby, and I think we all remember what happened to that asshole. Do you know what Ill be doing next semester? If your answer was drinking bleach straight out of the bottle, youre not far off! Chances are Ill be buried under so much work Ill start having that recurring stress dream where the turkey buzzard with my mothers head tells me that Ill never be as good as my older brother Glenn before she tears me in half and eats my intestines. And dont get me wrong, I love hearing about the fact that you got that Cond Nast internship because your dads an executive big-wig, but do you know what my summer internships going to be? Working on Granny Threeplys stump farm out in Polk, Nebraska, pulling stumps out of the ground for a hapenny a day. Hapennies havent been legal tender since 1857, but apparently no one told the residents of Polk, Nebraska that. But its not all bad. If I pull out enough stumps, I might get an extra piece of horsemeat in my turnip stew! If anyone needs me, Ill be weighing the torment of existence against the agony of nonbeing by

screaming into the night sky until I pass out or die of exposure. Preferably the latter.

CollegIaTe sTaff
Mosquito . . . . . . Sheridan Whiteside European Honey Bee . . . Diesel Jackson Horsefly . . . . . . . . . . . Gordelo 3000 Tarantula Hawk Wasp . . . Charlie Adams Pennsylvania Firefly . . . . . . Ed Strictly Pillbug . . . . . . . . . . . Granny Hayes Centipede . . . . . . . Esteban Sinclaire Carolina Mantis . . . . Dingo Rockefeller Dragonfly . . . . . . . . . . . Jean Shortz Mayfly . . . . . . . Beauregard Beauregard Eastern Firefly . . . . . . . Clams Casino Spotted Ladybug . . . . Roy McKluskin Carpenter Bee . . . . . . Helga G. Pataki Mud Dauber . . . . . Gunderson Threeply Water Strider . . . . . . . . . Boat Thorpe Africanized Honey Bee . . . Elgin Marbles Stink Bug . . . . . . Barker D. Fluglehorn Potato Beetle . . . . . Ming Shei Huarez Aphid . . . . . . . . . . Pumpy Calico Caterpillar . . . . . . . . . Billy Hughes Nymph . . . . . . . . . . Dash Riprock Inchworm . . . . . . . . Clifford Seldom Grub . . . . . . . . . . Ichabod Townley Ant . . . . . . . Ruth Thundercat Bubis Consultant . . . . . . . . Spider Interns . . . . Monarch, Spicebush Swallowtail, Two-Tailed Swallowtail, California Dogface, Colorado Hairstreak, Eastern Tiger, Zebra Longwing, Viceroy, Baltimore Checkerspot, Kamehameha, White Admiral, Karner Blue Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . . Louis Francis Albert Victor Nicholas Collegiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of Ohio, KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO

Friends, lets sit down and have a talk, ungendered pronoun to ungendered pronoun. Chances are you havent noticed it, but spring is in the air. Gunderson, its not spri youre probably going to start, wanting to cite the unseasonably cold weather, at which point Im going to punch you right in the throat because I dont care that its 32 degrees outside. After the month-long cloud of fart-stink that is February in Ohio, I dont want to hear it. As far as Im concerned, its springtime: a beautiful, magical time of year. Spring is the one season where we cease to realize how quickly were hurtling out of our womb on the hilltop and into the grave, and we can actually relax for once. Spring leaves us deadened

C ollegiate@kenyon.e d u