Philanders Most sPlendiferous source of news and GossiP.

Vol. 3, issue 14

aPril 27, 2011

S. Georgia Nugent Pays Surprise Visit To Campus

By Dash Riprock GAMBIER Kenyon College President S. Georgia Nugent was met with awe and fanfare Tuesday when she arrived in Gambier for a surprise visit on the back of a mystical flying horse. Nugent, who rarely appears on campus due to a busy travelling schedule, descended onto a bustling Ransom Lawn shortly after 1p.m. I was already astonished to see the Nuge on campus at all, reported Clyde Fossil 11, but when I saw her ride in on Pegasus, I knew something was really up. Nugent, resplendent atop her steed, proceeded to greet onlookers with laudatory salutations such as Felicitations, precious students, yon saplings of our mighty future! and Gods greetings upon ye, blushing children of the Kokosing! After a sizable crowd of onlookers had gathered, Nugent reportedly grew quiet and adoped a wide, mirthful

InsIde ThIs Issue

Pressed Cubano Sandwich Just Wants To Sing

grin. She then began dispensing small wrapped packages taken from a large red sack slung over her shoulder. It was like Christmas, reported Arthur Wriggs 12, only, instead of an Xbox, I got an internship at Google! Other students reportedly received graduate school acceptance letters, Fulbright scholarships, merit list inductions, and one actual Xbox. I got an Easy-Bake Oven, said

Claire Morgan 14. I didnt think they made those anymore! How could she have known? In addition to Nugents generous gifts, students said, the colleges first female president also offered a personal touch to those who needed it. I was having a really bad day, said Fossil,

Nugent arrives on campus, resplendent atop her steed.

Platonic Friend Definitely Wasnt Trying To Make Out Forgotten Acquaintance Mistaken For Prospie Underachiever Finally Smoking At College Level

Continued on page 4.

End Of Seminar Gets Way Too Casual

By Roy McKluskin SUNSET COTTAGE Students in Professor John Starks 300-level English seminar, Despair In The British Novel, agreed that they reached an inappropriate level of familiarity last Wednesday. The seminar, which began with a rigorously structured discussion of Charles Dickenss Great Expectations, ended in lackadaisical babbling and a shared sense of ennui. It all started when Jack [Lawson 12] made a sarcastic comment about Pip totally being Estellas bitch, said to Lane Erica 12. Everyone laughed, even Professor Stark. And we couldnt stop for like five minutes. She added, It wasnt even that funny. Maya Ellington 13 then told a personal anecdote about how the passage the students were close-reading reminded her of a camping trip to Yellowstone National Park she took with her parents. Others joined in with their own stories, resulting in a tangent that lasted for twenty minutes
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without anyone bringing up the possibility of getting back on track. By the time Stark saw that the class was careening out of control, he knew the situation was out of his hands. I didnt realize what was happening, Stark said, until several people had their shirts off and someone was lighting up a cigarette. The professor noted that he had no idea how he let things go so far and has been avoiding his office for fear of confronting the students to whom he revealed so many details about his personal life. Honestly, I barely remember the last half hour [of the seminar], reported Oscar Alba 12. It was like some kind of acid trip. All I know is that I got back to my room and my roommate told me my eyes were all red and bulging. So Im assuming we either laughed or cried, or both. Possibly we held each other. The class will attempt to reconvene this Wednesday if those enrolled can overcome their burning sense of shame and stay on task.

By Sheridan Whiteside

Badass Didnt Practice For Music Lesson

STORER HALL The residents of McBride Hall were stunned to learn that Kevin Jenkins 14 had attended his bass guitar lesson Thursday without having practiced beforehand. I have a real gift for deception, said Jenkins, a level-one bass student. I ask lots of questions about chords and scales, which usually stalls for at least 20 minutes. The rest is pure improv, heat-of-the-moment stuff. Jenkinss friends and hallmates, who slave for hours each week to master simple scales and famous childrens songs, admitted to harboring rueful admiration for Jenkins devilmay-care lifestyle. Sometimes I give him a hard time, but I think Im just jealous, said Sarah Norris 14. It takes a whole lot of balls to go in there and bullshit an entire lesson. Hes really riding the razors edge. My son is just like Paul McCartney, said Barb Jenkins of Fort Wayne,

Indiana. He always has to hang up the phone because hes so hard at work practicing. But I know these lessons are $400 well spent someday Im going to see him on Jay Leno! Jenkins says that he uses the time that he would have spent practicing to work on other projects, such as not doing the reading, not studying for

It takes a whole lot of balls to go in there and bullshit an entire lesson. Hes really riding the razors edge.
the exam, and not writing the paper. Sometimes I wonder about Kevin, said Matt Paetsch, Jenkins bass instructor. I mean, the guy cant play Smoke on the Water and sometimes he smells like aioli. But he seems really curious about music always ready with a question or something hed like to get better at so Im pretty sure hes putting in the hours. Yep, Paetsch added. I think hell go far.
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Professor Oddly Nonchalant About Appearance Of Belphegor In Office

By Clams Casino and Sheridan Whiteside HAYES HALL Sources report that Professor of Mathematics Kevin Cauldwell seemed surprisingly nonchalant on Thursday after Belphegor, one of the Seven Princes of Hell, appeared in his office. Yeah, he just kind of showed up today, said Cauldwell, as the Demon of Lust spoke in tongues behind him and opened a portal to the netherworld. I mean, Ive got a lot of proofs to look over, so I just let him do what he wants, I guess. Not my problem. Belphegor is the leading demon of Sloth, Lust, and Vanity. When summoned, he has been known to grant riches, the power of discovery, and ingenious invention. He keeps on transforming into the various guises of ultimate temptation, said Cauldwell. Or something like that. I havent really looked over there in a while. However, not all professors were as nonchalant as Cauldwell. I was walking by Kevins room to use the copier, said Associate Professor of Mathematics Marge Pascall, and I popped my head in the door. In-

Dance Review: You Cant Dance In A Kitchen

By Rev. Sinclaire Beates KENYON REVIEW WRITERS HOUSE Upon attending the dance show Room By Room this past weekend, I was both shocked and dismayed by the utter disregard for the laws of dance, performance, and human conduct that was flaunted in the piece. I arrived at the site of the dance expecting what anyone else would a windowless cement theatre with a proscenium stage and hopefully seats with little gold number plates. What I was met with instead was a house. That people live in. First strike, dance show. I was still willing to be won over, in spite of the crews apparent inability to find a real venue. Just imagine what I had in store.

side, I laid eyes on this monstrous demon, and before I knew it, I had been teleported to the third plane

He keeps on transforming into the various guises of ultimate temptation, said Cauldwell.
where I witnessed my own death. Witnesses reported seeing an impossibly large cloud of bats flying out of Cauldwells window and

Colla Voce Concert Converts Cretins

By Ming Shei Huarez BRANDI RECITAL HALL The dulcet melodies from the songbirds of Colla Voce will soon be competing with tones far less refined: the farts, burps, and hollerings of Blue Collar Voce, Kenyons newest all-male a capella comedy ensemble. Founded by Robbie Hoagland 13, Blue Collar Voce is dedicated to performing traditional arrangements of classic redneck stand-up routines with a focus on hillbilly and hick humor. Well, thats what we wrote on our application to the Student Activities Center, said Hoagland. Actually, at our core, were just a bunch of guys who appreciate the finer things in life that most of these academic wusses take for granted : cuttoffs, skeet shooting, Wal-Mart, and Bill Engvall. Were living in Ohio, for crying out loud! This is our culture! According to Hoagland, the groups genesis was a happy coincidence. I downed a couple of PBRs, went to the Colla Voce concert last Sunday, and just started riffing, the Nebraska native recalled. I mean, How can I keep from singing? Simple! Shut your pie-holes! Pete Carpon 12 overheard Hoaglands heckling and encouraged his loud-mouthed catcalls. I said, You tell them, Hoagie! After all, women shouldnt be singing they should be fixing my dinner! reported Carpon, who hails from Westchester, Connecticut but claims his blood runs Alabama red and rejects his WASP roots. For the last time: my Carhartt vest is not ironic, you lily-livered sissies! he said.

blotting out the light of the sun. Its funny, I got up to get lunch around noon and it looked like he just decided to take off, Cauldwell said, describing Belphegor ripping hole in the fabric of space and time and vanishing with the souls of Kenyons virgins. Yeah, it was kind of weird I guess, said Cauldwell. But I dont know, I kind of liked him. Something about him, I dont know, I just kind of liked the little guy.

Cauldwell and Belphegor, minding their own business.

Most of the pieces didnt even have music. One had dialogue. Like a play!
The space wasnt even converted into anything resembling a theatre. The audience was led through the house, one room at a time, and was seated sometimes mere inches away from the performers, who danced on stairs, under a piano, and both under and on top of tables. Tables! The kind people eat off of! The gall! The brazenness of the dance show didnt stop there. Most of the pieces didnt even have music. One had dialogue. Like a play. How on earth am I to be expected to keep track of two media at once?! Blurring the lines of theatricality? Devils play, I call it! Where were the dance show tropes Im accustomed to? No prerecorded music, no bizarrely uniform spandex costumes, not even a single piece that was blatantly about body image! What was left to make me feel safe, I ask you, Room By Room? If I wanted to see the despairs and elations of everyday life portrayed by energetic, lithe young dancers in joyous and seemingly spontaneous body movement I would well, I wouldnt do anything because I would never ever want to see anything like that, ever. The very notion makes me feel ill.

I heard Steve cry out Git-RDone during finals. That rough screech has haunted me since.
After both men were forcibly removed from the recital hall by campus security, they decided to find new outlet for their brand of whiskeyfueled wit. As the students blew off steam by taking off their shirts and playing a game of corn hole in the Bexley parking lot, they discussed the colleges lack of respect for country comedy and its need for more a capella groups. Instead of raising hell, we thought wed raise awareness of blue collar humor as an artform, said Hoagland. Blue Collar Voce was

born. In addition to Hoagland and Carpon, the groups members include Russell Rust Bucket Otis 13 and Steve Abelbaum 14, famous on the freshman quad for his dead-on Larry the Cable Guy impression. I heard Steve cry out Git-R-Done! in Gund during finals. That rough screech has haunted me ever since. I knew we needed his voice to achieve the right tonal texture, said Hoagland. And Rust Bucket is from Tennessee, so he puts that true Southern twang in our sound, added Carpon. Were all about authenticity. Its our mission to bring boorish, lowbrow one-liners to this high-fallutin campus. Blue Collar Voces first concert will feature a composition consisting of 33 You Might Be a Redneck If variations, originally by Jeff Foxworthy but arranged by Hoagland, as well as a tribute to Ron Tater Salad White and a burped rendition of Kokosing Farewell, soloed by Carpon. The group will also be selling Im With Stupid t-shirts and I Go Tuh Kinyin Collidge beer coozies to raise funds for their summer tour of the former Confederate States of America.

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Opinion

Hazing Is Totally Not An Issue

By A Freshman Covered In Bees

I Am Totally Using Your Shampoo, Bitch

By Melinda Lake

The whole point of Hell Week is going through trying experiences together and growing closer because of it, and what better way to do that than being subjected to the searing stings of Apis mellifera scutellata? These ampiformal suits have become our dress for the week and we wear them with pride. But dont think pledgings all about just fun and bees, its about learning respect too. Through the process of being enveloped in these hiveminded stinging machines we have learned to respect the elder brothers of our fraternity.

God, you must be feeling so smug. Oh, that poor girl, youre thinking, I bet shell never get her gigantic paper for British Modernism done. Well, guess what? I will. Ive already made an outline. So you can take your superior attitude and shove it up your ass. If itll fit, considering youve obviously got a huge stick up there too. Glare all you want. I know youre just jealous. Its only 10:30, which means Im totally going to get to Peirce before the omelette line closes, which means not only did my night

Hey man, I dont get what all the fuss is about with this so-called hazing stuff. Its no big deal at all. They try and make it out like everyone is being tortured, but the ones who say that are probably just too pansy to actually go through with the pledging process. They have the completely wrong idea about the whole point of pledging a frat. Whats going on is bonding and the creation of brotherhood. Im just trying to bond with my frat brothers, and if that means dousing myself in the pheromones of the Africanized honey bee and covering my naked body with thousands of their swarming masses, then so be it.

These ampiformal suits have become our dress for the week and we wear them with pride.
Oh my god! That sounds terrible! a weaker person might say. But when they slip you the horse tranquilizers and amphetamines, you really cant feel the barbed stingers penetrating your flesh. When you think about all the ragers youre going to celebrate together, the whole thing is worth it. Ill admit, though, there have been some low points to this whole Hell Week process that have made made me question my choice to pledge. On Tuesday night we all had to cram into the basement of Old Kenyon and

Yeah, I blacked out. You know what? Im proud of it . . . Whatd you do? Study?
What? No, seriously, what are you looking at? Are you scandalized because Im emerging from a guys room on a Sunday morning in a wrinkled party dress? Or are you shocked that Im not 100% sure if this is Mather or McBride? Yeah, I blacked out. You know what? Im proud of it. Because what I can remember of last night was awesome. Im pretty sure I played vodka pong with my French AT on the roof of Gund Commons. And I won. Whatd you do? Study? I might need a shower, but you need a change of attitude. Yeah, my hair smells like beer and cigarettes. Drink it in, bitch. Thats the smell of party. Try it sometime. Sonja Schwake Prof. of Anthropology kick ass, but so will my morning. Im on a roll. This is probably how you felt when you heard they were making a Firefly movie. (Yeah, I know about Firefly. Im deep.) So run along to your play rehearsal or your meeting of the Stuck-Up Bitches Club or whatever you do for fun. Im going to continue being awesome. I might even go out tonight. You know why? Because fuck it, thats why. Oh my stars, shell miss her 9:10 sociology class! Wrong again. Ill be there, refreshed and ready to learn. Im just badass like that. You know what? Since you gave

Continued on page 4.
Hannah Santa Anna 14 Prissy Doodle 14

Continued on page 4.

STUDENTS

Andy Johannson 13

William Melick Professor of Economics

FACULTY
Totals so far: Students: 52 Faculty: 55

Vs.
Who was our twentyninth president? What kind of phone does a turtle have? What are your plans for this summer? Is it nobler to suffer, or to die? Total Correct
Aheheh. Sorry. Im not really a history guy. Drama major!

Warren Gamaliel Harding! A shell-ular phone! Stay best friends forever.

Tis noblest indeed to lie thee down with dignity.

Harding. See? Canada is paying attention. Oh, some kind of little beastie phone. Beasties! Finally build my scale model of Edmonton.

Adam Smith.
What do people have now, car phones?
Maximize everything. Well, that depends. Is there a Kohls in heaven?

Harding. What the little girls said. Reflect and grow. To have never been born.

Dont even get me started with biology. Not my thing.

Hmm. Okay, I just had this. I really did. Wait. Hamlet! I know this one! Its from Hamlet! Yes! Yes!

To suffer, I guess. Aww. Sad. Cry.

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Baldwin, Walcott Posters to Make Room For Franzen, West

By Diesel Jackson OLIN LIBRARY The accumulation of framed posters hanging in the southern entryway to the atrium of Olin Library, tokens recalling notable guest visits, lectures, and performances of years past, has left little room for any additions. With the close of the school year less than a month away, the Office of Public Affairs is anxious to add posters marking this years memorable visits from novelist and essayist Jonathan Franzen and philosopher, author, and civil rights activist Cornel West. Public affairs officials report that, because no room remains on the hallway wall, they cannot simply add to the collection but must instead replace two of the present posters. This was a tough one, said Shawn Presley, Kenyons director of public affairs. We were afraid this would happen, and it did. We pushed ourselves into a darn proper pickle. Because how does one sacrifice one great name, one historical moment, one living memory for another? So, we left the decision to the students, continued Presley. In a campus-wide student poll with remarkably little participation, students chose that the posters for the visits and lectures of novelist, writer, and civil rights activist James Baldwin and poet, artist, and Nobel laureate Derek Walcott were chosen to be replaced.

From Visit, page 1.

and the Nuge turned it right around. That hug was exactly what I needed. And right at the end, she leaned in and whispered, its all going to be okay. I dont know how she could know that, but in that moment, I believed her. Over the course of the day, President Nugent paid visits to almost every campus group, from playing beer pong with the Betas to teaching the Pealers recognizable bell-only versions of many rock and pop standards. The beloved college administrator also tutored over one hundred nervous GRE students, and even stopped by Peirce to serve omelets during Extendo. I was sad to see her go, said Morgan, but in the end I think its sort of better this way. If you love President Nugent, youve got to let her go. Well always have this day in our hearts. As the President remounted her God-horse and took flight into the sunset, she waved to first-year Meghan Klimpt 14 and told her to dump that boyfriend from back home. Hes dead weight, plus, he never appreciated you enough anyway! And have a wonderful Sendoff, she added.

We were afraid this would happen. We pushed ourselves into a darn proper pickle.
The few students Ive spoken with say it was a narrow choice, explained Presley. But their reasoning certainly seems sound. The choice was obvious, said Sadie Fleck 12, who participated in the poll. Baldwin has some good books and all, but Ha Jin? You know, Chinas a very important issue right now. And Fred and Josh Waitzkin? A Conversation About Chess? Howre you going to give that up?

Chess is a game for the wits, Alex Marconi 13 agreed. Student response has been monstrously unfavorable towards the replacement decisions, and a student committee organized by Mariska Friedman 11 has been formed to attempt to counteract the replacements. Baldwin and Walcott are historic writers, said Friedman. Their visits here are a part of our legacy as an institution of higher learning. I mean, someone has to do something. Its about presenting ourselves to visitors too. Someone has got to do something. How do we want to remember our college? Something really should be done about this by someone sometime! In reference to the concert given by jazz legends Jimmy and Albert Tootie Heath and their Heath Brothers Quartet this past Friday in Rosse Hall, Fleck said she doesnt anticipate their poster being put up in the Atrium. Please, theyre no Carolina Chocolate Drops.

Sophomore Cant Stop Eating

By Gunderson Threeply MANNING HALLOwen Hewitt 13 arrived back to his room last Thursday to find that he couldnt stop eating, campus sources report. It was just like, I got out of class and I was overcome by this horrifying compulsion to just EAT, the Hewitt told Collegiate reporters. It started off innocuously enough some pretzel bits here, a chip or two there, but nothing seemed to work. Its like I had a hole in my life that I needed to fill with food. Hewitts roommate Llewellyn Gump 13 corroborated this story. All Im sayin is that I came back into the room to get my psych textbook and I see Owen on the floor spraying squeeze cheese into his face and sobbing uncontrollably. We locked eyes and he just whispered, get out, real quiet-like as he filled up our shot glass with ranch dressing. I just backed up, closed the door, and didnt ask any questions. Sometimes a dudes just gotta eat, yknow? Hewitts next-door neighbors Raymond Franke 12 and Marcus Garvey 12 reported hearing ululations akin to what a bull moose must make while mating, then . . . noises. Unspeakable noises. I wasnt sure
t he kenyon collegiat e

From Hazing, page 3.

watch Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde all night. God, that is truly something I hope I never experience again. So, to all you haters out there trying to put down frats and their methods, just step the heck back. You just dont understand the importance of these old and sacred traditions, the building of brotherhood, the foundations of respect, the test of who is strong and who is anaphylactic. Personally, I can say that Ive never felt more alive than I have with this cocktail of Keystone, apitoxin, and epinephrine coursing through my veins. I look forward to the day when I may pour bucket-fulls of buzzing, ravenous bees on the uninitiated as they begin their journeys to join this hallowed Greek institution.

if we should call Campus Safety or Animal Control or, hell, both, added Franke. I knocked on his door, seeing if he was ok, but I just couldnt bring myself to go inside. It smelled like a Frito-Lay truck exploded in the middle of New Yorks meatpacking district. Like back when it was actually used for meatpacking. I cant even look at my bag of Funyuns anymore without feeling a little dirty inside, concluded Garvey. But Hewitt wasnt content to stay in his room. At around 4 pm, freshman Linda Sinclaire 14, who had been baking brownies in the Manning kitchen, told the Collegiate, I felt hot breath on the back of my neck, and when I turned around, I saw this crazy guy, Cheeto crumbs all over his fingers, Cool Whip slathered all over his mouth. He

shoved me out of the way and just started devouring my brownies. They were for my roommate, it was her birthday yesterday, Sinclaire said. Hewitts rampage ended when Campus Safety officers managed to sedate him in the Market, while he was in the midst of smearing chocolate icing all over his bare chest and demanding something called a Sloppy Gelapi, alleged to be created when you sandwich Doritos between four Pop Tarts and garnish with maple syrup and beef jerky. He has since issued a public apology, but campus remains wary in the wake of this grotesque incident. As senior Mick Tully 11 put it: it really makes you think. It couldve been any of us. I know Ill never look at that fry pie in the market the same way ever again.

From Shampoo, page 3.

me the evil eye, Im gonna use your shower caddy. I dont know which one is yours, but Ill just look for the one that looks like it hates fun. Its probably this one with mango-scented bodywash. Im gonna scrub it on til I smell like a fucking rainforest. And Im gonna use your fancy shampoo. And Im gonna look amazing. Bitch.

Were Not Going To Sendoff!

By Ted Sanders 11

Point/Counterpoint: Summer Sendoff 2011

Uh, Yeah, Thats Exactly What We Were Going For

By The Kenyon Administration

Attention Fellow Kenyon students! This Saturday, the so-called administration of Kenyon will launch the largest assault the world has ever seen on one of our schools most revered and cherished traditions Summer Sendoff. Those fascist fat cats sitting in their ivory Peirce towers want to make so-called policy changes to Sendoff, thus totally ruining this time-honored tradition forever. And guess what? They want you to be complicit in its ruin! Fellow Kenyonites, we must fight back! We must keep raging alive! We must totally play into the administrations hands by allowing practically unenforceable policy changes trick us into not attending one of Kenyons most-anticipated parties! We must boycott Summer Sendoff! Now I know what youre thinking: boycott Summer Sendoff? Wouldnt that be an impractical, completely misguided way to inadvertently fulfill the administrations wish to eradicate

the event forever? Sure, you could make that argument. But guess what? Youd be so fucking wrong. Why? Because even though last time I passed out before lunch, Im pretty sure these policy changes are gonna make Sendoff somewhat different than it was last year. I mean, just consider the administrations proposition to not allow anyone with alcohol oh South Quad before 10a.m. Seriously, college administration? I mean, what kind of college student sleeps until 10 AM on a weekend? Who do you think we are? Farmers? Me, Im blasted on malt liquor by 6:30 every Saturday morning, doing whip-its on the steps of Hanna until I see the sun peaking out over the top of Old Kenyon. And if all the time regulations werent enough of a slap in the face, the administration wants to put a fence around South Quad. You know what else fences are for? Sheep. Herds and herds of blind, dumbass sheep. Sheep who dont mind being prodded around a pen, forced to drink shitty wine out of the bag like every other fucking idiot on the farm. Fellow students, we are fighting for our right to party. To rage. And should we win the day by not showing up, Summer Sendoff will no longer be known as simply a Kenyon event, but as the day the world declared in one voice: We will not drink with friends! We will not enjoy the company of others on the South Quad! Were going to stay sober! Were going to stay inside! We will no longer celebrate the end of the year!

Wait, seriously? Youre telling me that a large portion of the student body has decided to forgo drinking excessively outdoors by refusing to attend Sendoff? Huh. But that doesnt make any sense. I mean . . . they know thats exactly what we were going for, right? Wow, we should have done this years ago I mean, weve been trying to kill this motherfucker for ages. Its not even like Sendoff is that big of a problem, really. I mean, drinking outside in large groups creates a social deterrent that naturally prevents people from getting too retarded. But Sendoff is the one day a year that we as an administration are forced to witness college students actually drinking, and that . . . well, thats just uncomfortable. Who wants to see the freshman girl they just nominated for the Anderson Cup straddle some football beefcake on the front steps of Leonard? I have a doctorate, for Christs sake. So thats why last month me and the Board booked lower Dempsey, ordered some AVI four-star catering,

put on our thinking caps and hammered out these so-called policy changes. I mean, come on. We didnt think we could actually ever end Sendoff. 15 security guards patrolling 1,600 drunk students all coming together to rage? Puh-lease. But who knew getting everybody to stay home would be as easy as suggesting a tweaks to the regulations we dont enforce anyway? This administration sure as shit didnt. Score! Man, I guess this is a pretty fucking lucky break, huh? Wed love to take credit for this one all on our own, but it simply wouldnt be fair. No sir, we just couldnt have destroyed this glorious Kenyon tradition without the help of the most gullible, moronic bunch of idiots to ever call themselves a student body. Theyre our heroes. And Social Board picking a white reggae band called Rebelution to play the concert? Icing on the shit cake well be serving next to the face painting outside of Pierce this Saturday. Best. Sendoff. Ever.

Qualified Student To Select Best Fucking Album Ever

By Barker D. Flugelhorn FARR HALL This upcoming weekend marks a potential sea change to Kenyons divisive music culture with the announcement of the Greatest Fucking Album Fucking Ever Award. The winning album will be endowed with the honor of The Best Album of All Time by senior studio art / philosophy double major Cosmo McGrim, who was selected for the momentous task. The twenty-two-year-old resident of Bainbridge, New York is well-known in Kenyons music scene as a fierce critic who never shies away from notifying idiots how much their music sucks. Those who associate with him unanimously describe his knowledge of popular culture as terrifyingly detailed, according to Vasco Smith 12, one of McGrims self-described sniveling musical underlings. McGrim serves as chair of Kenyons unofficial Musical Badassery Review Board, or KCMBRB. Next Friday, armed with only his iPod, McGrim plans to visit various North Campus locales, including the Bexley of Lazlo Francona 11, drummer for Kenyons premiere indie audio-visual art-rock collective, DikDik. Im aiming to impress people here, McGrim remarked yesterday. The heavy hitters of the Kenyon scene are looking for something so elusive and rare that its beauty will melt their ears. If I dont get good reception about my decision, I would have to remark: Fuck you, you idiots. Andy Warhol is spinning in his grave because of you tone-deaf plebeians.

McGrim serves as chair of Kenyons unofficial Musical Badassery Review Board.

McGrim was tasked to the momentous duty of picking the Best Fucking Album Ever because of his advanced, almost supernatural taste in music. He describes himself as an avid Chillstep, N-Belgian Electro, Moombahton, and early 70s punk bsides aficionado, just to name a few

genres for you. I could name my top 500 favorite shoegaze bands if you want, he chuckled while thumbing through his extensive collection of Colombian Jazz Fusion on vinyl, but we dont have all day. McGrim realizes the gravity of his task and believes in the power of sheer persistence, hard work, and lots of luck when it comes to finding the best literally, the best music. All sorts of factors, all sorts of influences came into play during this process, and I think people will dig my selection, he said, but if not, fuck them. They wouldnt know the difference between Breakcore and Speedcore if it bit them in the ass.

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Opinion

Hey Buddy, Can You Spot Me A Square? Look At All These Goyim!
By The Guy In The Stall Next To You By Marnie Hightower 13

probably skip Easter Mass and head to a confessional to talk about waking up in Old Kenyon Sunday morning! Oi, honey, I love you. Even my boyfriend Pedro is getting in on the fad. He took me out to dinner last night in town, but only brought a box of matzo for himself. I was like, Pedro, babe, first of all, I cant eat this food, so you need to give me some of that. Second of all, youre not Jewish! Marnie, he says to me, everyone can relate to oppression. That boy is a slap in the knee.

Psst. Hey. Buddy, Im in a real tight spot here. I usually check to make sure that this sort of thing doesnt happen but . . . ok, Im rambling. But its tough to put yourself out there, yknow? Let me start from the beginning: I was only on my third round of enchiladas when I got that telltale rumbling in my gut and I knew I had to go. Oh man, I had the worst enchilada farts on the way down here. Im pretty sure I saw the paint from some of the portraits peeling off as I walked by. But clenching my buttocks as hard as I possibly could, I power walked down to the lower bathrooms. I barely made it to the bowl before . . . Well, you get the idea. Unfortunately, I neglected to check the toilet paper rolls before taking care of business, so to speak, and now . . . Im stuck. Like, really stuck. Do you read me here, hombre? Theres no

TP in this stall. Ive been stuck here for the past hour and a half, hoping someone would come by. So please, can you spot me a square or two? Well mmmaybe three. Its a pretty bad scene in here man. Oh, Im sorry! Sorry Im making you gag, dude. Jesus Christ, fine, Ill give you a courtesy flush or three. I was just hoping for a little compassion here in my time of need. Look, fellah, I know this is a HUGE breach of stall etiquette, but cmon! Im dying in here man! I missed my seminar because of this. Just please, please have a little compassion here. If it was you in my position, if the tables were turned, I would give you the shirt off my back and . . . wait! Nevermind dude, its all good. I got it from here. Thanks for listening anyway. Cant believe I missed my math seminar for this. I am so embarrassed, like you dont even know.

I think I understand the appeal. I mean, matzo is good for PB&Js.

Also my best girl Hannah, we went into the Peirce servery the other day and she went straight to the Passover table. I said, Hannah, girl, what on earth? This stuffs so low in fat, she says. Now, Hannah, I love you, but a rabbi wouldnt knowingly bless anything about you! I think I understand the appeal. I mean, matzo is good for PB&Js. And, after all, dont we all belong to a legacy marked by thousands of years of repression and displacement? People, its totally sweet to practice your religion, but if youre just jumping on the bandwagon Pedro, ya nutty bitch! you know that aint kosher!

Passover season is here and my roommate is Jewish! But I had no idea, really. I mean, Margaret never mentioned religion before. All of a sudden, one night, she has to go to Seder? But it seems like everyday Im figuring out more and more of my friends are Jews, too. Or at least some actually are. Theres been a lot of religious stuff going on in the last week, and it seems like everyones jumping on the bandwagon. My friend Rebecca got up early to go to Easter Mass after trying to connect with the Born Ruffians lead man about her atheism the night before. You should

Just Wait: We Are Coming To Purge The Fun From Your Souls
By The Forces Of UnFun of Tortellini Tuesdays is the worst its going to get? Just wait until you see whats in store for you. As one of you clever students has deduced, the forces of UnFun dont eat or sleep. And so, neither will you. Peirce rice will continue to be either crunchy or mushy, the soft-serve machine will disappear permanently, and the Village Market will be closed down for health code violations. Then, when your insides are aching for food and the only relief is sleep, the Pealers will take a cue from NightCAPS and decide to hold a 24-hour performance. Your neighbors will continue to blast dubstep even though its 4:00 a.m. and its too warm to keep the windows closed. And your roommate will simultaneously snore and talk in her sleep. And thats just the beginning. After that, there will be no more warm, sunny days. There will be no tossing of Frisbees on the quad. There will only be week after week of rainy, forty-degree weather, and all of your Hunter rain boots will cease to be fashionable. All of your papers will be due on the same day. Your professors will completely disregard the fact that you are taking at least three classes in addition to theirs and cant spend all your time reading the assigned 300-page essay on post-structuralist post-colonial feminist queer theory. And oh, will there be reading quizzes. Mountains upon mountains of

Oh hello, Kenyon students. It seems youve discovered us. We, the forces of UnFun, sitting on our perch on the roof of Gund Commons, plotting to make your lives miserable. You think tightening the regulations of Sendoff is bad? You think the end
t he kenyon collegiat e

reading quizzes. You see, all of these seemingly mundane things that put a damper on your fun arent just coincidences. Your advisor telling you youll have to rewrite your comps on your last weekend here? That wasnt because you spent the whole semester dicking around and then threw together what was supposed to be a year-long project in one night. That was us. You didnt get written up by your CA because you were having a really loud party and openly drinking in a freshman dorm with the door open. You got written up because of us. Oh, and Rebelution? Youre welcome.
6

Graduating Senior Opposes New Campus Renovations

By Gunderson Threeply PEIRCE HALL Last Thursday, students reported hearing graduating senior Clyde Plesser 11 complaining about the various renovations going on about campus. I mean, now theyre putting up a new art building where my friends and I used to smoke weed! I have so many good memories there, and now those fucking bigwigs just think they can destroy those, Plesser said, livid at the idea of art majors getting to work somewhere that was built after the advent of indoor plumbing. What bothers me the most, he continued, is that theyre not even bothering to renovate some of these old buildings theyre going to tear down the fraternity pits, something that everyone on campus uses, to build a new dormitory on South Campus, when there are all these ugly dorms they could spruce up, yknow? Quite frankly, no, I didnt know, said Plessers tablemate Jordan Clements 13. Considering this college is determined to see how many people they can stuff inside a Mather dorm room, I dont think its so bad that theyre tearing down the frat pits, because God only knows what the DKEs are doing to their pledges down there. Honestly I couldnt care less if they blew the Gates of Hell to hell if it meant Id get to live in a dorm room that didnt smell like a urinal cake.

Lords Baseball Bludgeons Battling Bishops With Bat

By Pumpy Calico GAMBIER This past Saturday, April 23, 2011, the Lords slid into home. Home field, that is! Meaning right here, in Gambier, OH, where they alliteratively and arduously attacked the antagonistic aggregation of the Ohio Wesleyan Battling Bishops. The Battling Bishops were in for a double play of pain and humiliation, as the Lords stole some bases and a victory, 3-0. The Lords were really swinging for the fences, especially power hitter Rex Engle 13. Yeah, it was a [tough game], but, you know, we had a strategy going in, which was to get more runs than the other guys, Engle said. That worked pretty well. Lords pitcher Tyler Rensen 12 received the shutout. Rensen has a career Earned Run Average of 3.16 and a career Awesomeness Average of 100%. While the Battling Bishops strategy hit plenty of foul balls, the Lords were really corking their bats . . . met-

aphorically speaking, of course! Head Coach Jim Stronghorn attributes their success to a lot of practice, and also hard work. I attribute our success to a lot of practice, he said, and also hard work.

The Battling Bishops were in for a double play of pain and humiliation.
The Battling Bishops really struck out this time, and this game saw their players with a record number of RBIs: Really Bitter Impressions, that is! Sorry, Bishops. Looks like the Lords triumph once again. Its just like the power struggle between the feudal nobility and the Catholic church in Medieval timesand we all know how that one ended! The Lords take on the Oberlin Yeoman next Saturday, April 30, 2011 at Oberlin. If you love flowery, farcical, farming-related figurative language, check out next weeks issue!

Now theyre putting up a new art building where my friends and I used to smoke weed!
I just worry that in a few years, Ill never again get to know the joy of watching the sun go down at Sunset Point while I awkwardly fumble with a freshmans bra strap, Plesser said, and when I come back as a hotshot alumnus, I dont want to hook up with some weird sophomore I met at a Pink House party in her sterile, boring, Graham Gundspawned new dorm. I want to bang her in tempo to My Girls by Animal Collective and the hum of those halogen light bulbs in Caples! When asked how he felt about Middle Path being paved over, Plesser said, Middle Path is perfect just the way it is! We dont need to fix it up or anything; why dont they just make new paths instead?

Student Voices: Summer Plans

Tornado Siren Cries Wolf

By Sheridan Whiteside After weeks of lies and deceit, Kenyon College ignored the Tornado Sirens frantic warnings Thursday when an F-5 class multiple vortex tornado tore through Gambier, obliterating the entire campus. The Tornado Siren trickster had been fooling the campus into fleeing to shelter on a weekly basis before last weeks tornado struck, lifting McBride 100 feet into the air and smashing it into Old Kenyon, the debris from which destroyed the Science quad and New Apts. Thats what you get for lying, commented President Nugent, whose house was ripped from its foundation and hurled into the Art Building at over 300 miles per hour. No one was injured in the incident.

P l ease recycle issue b e f o r e o r a f t e r r e a d i n g.

Camelbak Better Bottles Popular Among Campus Perverts

By Dingo Rockefeller BOOKSTORE The Kenyon College Bookstore has found Camelbak Better Bottles to be immensely popular among campus perverts, sources confirmed Tuesday. The bottles, which feature a bite valve, that allows users to clamp their teeth onto a soft protuberance and suck liquid into their mouths, have been heralded as the best drinking advance in decades by Kenyons reprobate population. Oh yeah, all the degenerates love them, said bookstore cashier Ted Janney, who applauded Camelbak designers for the bottles BPA-free plastic, spill-proof cap and bulging, sensuous protrusion. I cant tell you how often a student will creep up to the counter, pull a moist handful of bills out of his pocket and murmur that hed like a Better Bottle. We can hardly keep them on the shelves!

Who knew slurping up mouthfuls of fluid could be so fun? said Eddy The Hands Johnson 11. Ever since buying myself one for my birthday, I hardly ever drink from normal bottles anymore, he continued, pulling out a wallet full of photos of himself with the bottle at Carlsbad Caverns last spring. We go everywhere together

One of the new, more sensual water bottles.

Ive named her Samantha. Theres just something about Camelbak, agreed Ogden Burke 13, between furious tugs of warm buttermilk from his pink bottle. Sometimes I like to just run my tongue over the bump for hours on end, and sometimes I like to gulp up mouthful after mouthful until Im bloated and content. Its better than a million melons, he added. Its not only students who are excited about the Better Bottles. Professor of Classics Xavier Curlock confessed to owning over twelve of the drinking vessels. I like to fill them up and hang them in pairs on a coat that Ive created. During the break in my senior seminar I put it on and shout its feeding time and my students cluster around and take long, hearty swigs from my valves. What Im saying is, I believe hydration is very important, he added.

Distraught Professor Cant Log In To Moodle

By Sheridan Whiteside GAMBIER A sense of panic and desperation reigned in Gambier Thursday when professor Daniel Howerton found himself unable to log in to Moodle, a course resources website. Sources confirm that Howerton, Ernest Alister Weatherseed Professor of English, tried every single password and username combination he could think of, even resorting to coolguy65 and TheHoWstEr53. I hadnt used those since AIM, explained Howerton, but you have to try everything. Sources also confirm that a frantic Howerton tried refreshing the page and restarting his computer, neither of which gained him access to Moodle. Maybe this will work, sighed Howerton, unplugging his mouse and keyboard and uninstalling Firefox. Nope. You know what, I bet its a virus. Im going to reinstall Norton. LBIS, which runs the Moodle website and controls access, was unsympathetic to Howertons plight. Its literally the same username and password that you use to log in to email, said Ron Griggs, head of LBIS. I dont understand why this is so difficult for people. Still, Howerton remains hopeful. I think Im going to remove the processor and snap the memory into more manageable pieces, he said. If that doesnt work, I guess Ill just email it to the class. At least I can still log in to that.

By Clams Casino

Cries For Help Go Unnoticed In Fiction Writing Seminar

Special Report: Campus Dance Crazes

Spring has sprung in Gambier, and Kenyon students are ringing in the season in style: by dancing! Heres a peek at some of the hottest new moves. Georgia Nugent Walkin Her Dog The Cereal Server The I Love Soy

SUNSET COTTAGE Despite the consistently heartbreaking and despair-filled short stories produced by Charlie Deltito 13, no one has noticed his thinly veiled cries for help, sources reported last Thursday. Student response to Deltitos work has been largely positive, and entirely oblivious to the hopeless tone of his stories. I really liked his story about Carly the Whale, said classmate Noah Sachs 13, I kind of liked how Carly drowned in his own blubber at the end. It was pretty surprising. Deltito is an English major with a concentration in Creative Writing, and spends most evenings watching Dr. Who reruns with a box of champagne and a package of Slim Jims in his Watson single. He wrote a story the other week about a little boy named Barley who didnt have any friends to eat with at snack time, continued Sachs, It was really cute. I dont really see Charlie walking around campus too much, although I saw him in Peirce but it looked like he was reading a book so I didnt say hi or acknowledge his existence.

Although most of Deltitos stories feature tragic characters with names closely resembling his own, Associate Professor of Creative Writing Ethan Thompson frequently interprets Deltitos desperate cries for companionship as attempts at comedy. I really admire his use of humor, said Thompson, Like his

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Most of Deltitos stories feature tragic characters with names closely resembling his own.
most recent story about the college student who has no friends hilarious. In his Introduction to Fiction Writing class, Deltito tended to employ the motifs of sad moments in the snow and humiliating memories of unwelcome bodily emission. In his advanced course, though, he has reportedly begun to delve into topics such as unrequited love, immeasurable loneliness, and endless despair. Charlies a pretty passable writer, Thompson continued, I think hell go far. Who knows, if hes lucky he might even open up a bookstore or become a high school English teacher or something

The Order Dat On CONSORT The Whats That Odor? The Econ Major Circ Deskin Schlumpin

The Damn Dis Campus Is Pretty Dance The How Was Your Year Abroad? Craft Center Freakin The Ascension Stairway Ringing The Nerd Bell Pealin The Dean Hank Toutain The Cripwalk Of Shame B-Boy

C ollegiate@kenyon.e d u