The Right Stuff: What To look for in a Christian mate Leslie sat thinking about the question raised

in the singles group: "What do you look for in a mate?" Like nearly everyone else, she replied: "He has to be a Christian!" Then the instructor asked: "And what else?" "Yeah", she thought. "What else?" Very seldom, in singles circles, does one see a "list" of criteria given. "You're limiting God that way", is the usual response. But are you REALLY limiting God? Or can a God who is omnipotent meet your needs in a mate? Well, first maybe we should look at what a woman of the Lord's needs, scripturally speaking, really are. Security. A Christian woman is no different from any other woman in that she needs security. When we speak about security, the first thing most people think of is finances. But, in actuality, finances are only part of security.
For example, by law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law of marriage. Romans 7:2.3 I couldn't believe it when I heard a man who called himself a Christian use this passage to explain away his kicking his wife out of the house and explaining that he "planned to divorce her". His understanding? "She is bound to me as long as she lives, but I can divorce her if I want to!" Ugh. In scriptural exegesis, there are two forms: the direct form and the implied form. This is an example of "implied form". What that means is that the wife

is bound to the husband, yes. But by implication, he is also bound to her until he dies, as well. Security is in knowing that your mate will stay with you "til death do us part". Being able to know that he will remain faithful and true. And where better to test that than in the "getting to know you" ground of courtship? "I was fascinated by Paul. He was so popular with the women, mostly because he was good looking and flirtatious with them, always telling them how beautiful they are, etc. But something bothered me. He seemed to be 'sampling' the women, not really getting to know them on any real level, flying from one woman to the next. I don't know why that bothered me, it just did". It bothered her, quite simply, because it was hard to tell his genuine interest from a pretended one! I often tell women who are thinking about a man to watch him from afar for a long time before deciding to move. Has be been married, for short periods, more than a couple of times? Does he have "flash in the pan", hurried, intense, relationships? How many women has he been romantically interested in within the past year? The "why" of his divorce is also important (if he's divorced). Will he see you through serious illness? Will he end the marriage over finances? Will he bail if your mother asks to come live with you? Does He Know His Responsibilities? Or is he hung up on his "rights" only? Gretta and Earl sat in the Pastor's office. She was in tears. He was staunch and defensive. "But a man has needs, Pastor!" Earl stated strongly. "Gretta knows the Bible. She knows the marriage bed isn't defiled if she does what I want her to do with me sexually!" "But Earl", Gretta sobbed. "I tried, but I just don't like what you want me to do!" Gretta wasn't denying her husband sex, but a particular sex act. One she didn't like; one he did like; one that made her feel cheap and dirty, she said. "Tell you what, Earl", the Pastor said. "You like spinach?"

Earl squeezed up his face and said, "ewwww no!" "Well", the Pastor said. "When you eat 2 gallons of spinach, Gretta will do what you want, is that a deal?" "PASTOR!" Earl squealed. "That's unfair! I don't like spinach! It turns my stomach!" "My point exactly," the Pastor said with a smile. In 1 Corinthians 7:1-15 there is mention of the fact that a man and woman who are married are to participate in sex. The text doesn't specify types of sex acts. That would seem to be left up to the couple. Unfortunately, this same passage has been used by some men to foist sexual things on a woman that she would rather not do. How can you know, before marriage, if he is like this? Simply put: it will show in how he speaks to you and acts toward you. Is everything "sex sex sex" in spite of your desire to remain chaste? Does he make comments to you of a sexual nature which are inappropriate between two unmarried persons? But there's an additional thing here. The husband isn't to refuse his wife her sexual pleasure, either. I remember a young brother once telling people that he believed sex was only for procreation. I thought: well how the heck does he explain Sarah and Abraham? Obviously they had been having sex all these years, without offspring. Why else would Sarah find it impossible to have a baby? Sure, she went into menopause, but up until that point, they had obviously been trying. How can a single woman know if the man she plans to marry will be willing to please her sexually? I always recommend couples contemplating marriage talk with a Pastor about this element. However, you can learn a lot by listening to how a man talks about women. Does he speak of them in derogatory terms? Does he insult her femininity? Does he tell "off color jokes" about sex and women? Is he a "luster" and not a "lover"?

Is he capable of Loving? In Ephesians 5:25-33, we read: Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave

himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-- for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church. however, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. How did Christ love the Church? Sacrificially. Ultimately giving his "life" for it. No, this doesn't mean he has to go out and jump in front of a train to prove his love! Look at the result of the sacrifice if you want to know what the sacrifice was: -it made the church holy -it cleansed the church -it made her radiant, without stain, without wrinkle or blemish -it made her blameless A godly man's first priority to his sisters in Christ is to "make her holy", meaning, to make her acceptable to God. The man who willfully defiles a woman, does the exact opposite! You may ask: how can a single brother make you holy? The answer is simple: by TREATING YOU AS HOLY. You are already a living sacrifice to the Lord. If a man respects that, he will treat you as special, not because of your looks or personality or money, etc. But because, by identity, you ARE holy! Secondly, he will offer cleansing. There's probably very few women out there who couldn't use some "cleansing" from a man. By that I mean, uplifting, encouragement, a kind word where, before, there had been none. I deal a lot with abuse survivors. Some of their life stories would break your heart! And I remember, after my own rape, how important it was to me to hear kind words, encouraging words, especially from males. In fact, that's why I went to Christian chats! Okay, I didn't get it for two years, but eventually God brought some good men along who did offer encouragement

and "cleansing". Next he will see her as "radiant", meaning "beautiful". And here is where the pedal meets the metal. There's one fellow I know who sees every woman, regardless of her physical appearance, as "beautiful". That's a rare quality. Especially in a world where there is a premium on externals. But it's more than simply seeing internal beauty. It's also seeing her as "spotless", meaning, whatever happened in her past, he will not see. Instead, he sees her as God sees her now: clean and without imperfections. Does that mean he won't notice if she picks her nose or has a lousy attitude? Nope. But it means that he sees past the "crap life heaped on her", to see "through the Father's eyes". Lastly, he sees her as blameless. As a forgiven creature. This, my dear sisters, is what happens when a man REALLY loves you! Sure, flowers are nice, and romance can be sweet. But the kind of love described above, when given you by a man, is more endearing, and much more lasting. Can He Be Faithful? Janice couldn't believe what she was hearing! "You what???" She cried. "I've been seeing someone else", Todd said, hanging his head. "How could you do that to me?" Janice sobbed. "Hey, it's not like we're an official couple!" He said. "But you said you love me! And now you're saying-----" Faithfulness begins long before the marriage vows are made. It comes before a kiss is had. Faithfulness is proven in actions, words, and deeds. In Malachi chapter two, the Lord chastens Judah: You ask, "Why?" It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.

Can you see how important it is for a man to be faithful? So important, in fact, that infidelity is addressed with order to "not break faith" or "trust" with one's wife. In courtship or dating, it's tempting to "write off" little indiscretions. And yes, a man "can change" through the work of the Lord. However, when trust is broken, and willingly so, it brings with is a cacophony of doubts, concerns, and other problems. Sometimes, overlooking these can have terrible consequences later on. When the man who ultimately raped me admitted that he had been chatting other women on the internet without my knowledge (we were talking marriage at the time), and then said he wanted to meet one of these other women and take her out, I should have RUN, FORREST, RUN! But, I didn't. I loved, I forgave, I stupidly went to see him, anyway. The inability to remain faithful, even before marriage, is telltale of other problems. Maybe he doesn't really love you. Maybe he gets his head turned too easily. Maybe he has sexual addictions. The list of possibilities is endless. But women want faithfulness, don't we? Forgiving someone of an indiscretion does not require you to continue the relationship. If anything, love for him compels you to point out the sin clearly, to encourage the man to seek God's forgiveness, and to "repent", or change the direction of his life. We Gonna Live On Love! My, that sounds SO nice! Unfortunately, love doesn't feed you, nor your children, nor does it meet the obligations due in your daily living. In 1 Timothy 5:8, it says that a man who will not support his family is worse than a heathen. OUCH! That's bad! Not long ago I was speaking with a young man who said he wanted to marry. So I asked him: are you ready to? He said he was. I asked: how do you know? He said because he wanted someone to be his companion, someone to love on, etc. "And just where will all this take place?" I asked him. He was stymied.

"Why, in our home, of course!" He said. "What home?" I asked. Many a woman has run off to marry an unemployed man, or a man who, for no reason, isn't working. And I've heard all the excuses: "There's no jobs", "I want to work in my field, not flip burgers!" "I'm going into ministry, I don't need to work!" HUH???? A man who will not work is no man. Nope, that didn't come from some wise sage. It came from my Downs' Syndrome son. He's a deli chef earning $10 an hour, working fulltime, and receives no state assistance (whew!) I am a firm believer that, as long as a man is physically able to work, not only SHOULD he work, he should WANT TO WORK. DEADBEATS TO LOOK OUT FOR: They don't pay child support (because the ex is a pain, yadda yadda); They are up to their neck in debt (I'm not talking about home-buyers here); They're irresponsible in general spending (boys-n-their-toys syndrome run amuck!), They think the lottery is as good as praise time at church (especially if they win a few bucks), A boat and car mean more than a home and groceries, Can't hold a job (someone always "done them wrong").... you get the idea here, right? He'll Protect You Arnold Schwartzenegger, aside from having a name that's hard to spell, is not really "The Terminator". In real life, he is a gentle man, with an accent, huge muscles and is an ardent supporter of Special Olympics International. But does a man have to be an "Arnold", all muscle bound, in order to protect? Does he have to put her in a "gilded cage" to protect her? In 1 Samuel 30:1-19 we read about protection of women. In the story, all the women had been killed, except David's two wives, who had been carted off as captives. Now, David could've spent a little time pumping up at the gym, psyching himself up by watching "The Terminator", and gotten a "pep talk" from Anthony Robins. Instead, look at where David got his strength: But David found strength in the LORD his God. Then David said to Abiathar the priest, the son of Ahimelech, "Bring me the ephod." Abiathar brought it to him, 8 and David inquired of the LORD

, "Shall I pursue this raiding party? Will I overtake them?" "Pursue them," he answered. "You will certainly overtake them and succeed in the rescue." David, himself, did a little "whoopin up" on the bad guys as well. The main thing is, David drew his strength from God, not man. This needn't just be physical strength to do hand-to-hand combat. It can also include (and should include): PROTECTING YOU SPIRITUALLY PROTECTING YOU MENTALLY PROTECTING YOU EMOTIONALLY Even if it means protecting you from himself, at times. How do you handle a Hungry Man? *Sigh* some people are never satisfied! May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deermay her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love. (Proverbs 5:18,19 Okay, that sounds good when a chick is 25 and gravity hasn't taken it's toll. But what about when she's sixty and her cellulite has cellulite, her varicose veins are used as sample mapping systems by the Department of the Interior, and let's not EVEN think about what happened to those breasts! The above passage is how the man is supposed to see his wife, regardless of age and the affects of ageing. She is "the wife of his youth" (implying he isn't a youth anymore, hence, he has the little pot-belly and some hardening of the arteries, too). One thing I always look out for is the old guy chasing young chicks. Aside from the fact that he would probably die trying to catch them, there's the issue of what in the heck he wants her for? His youth has passed. And while he may not want to admit that, his last cholesterol count more than likely tries to remind him. "Growing old together" is more realistic and more biblical.

Teacher, Teacher! 1 Cor. 14:34,35 There's something about this passage that simply infuriates feminists! Apparently they're afraid men will find, yet, another use for duct tape! The fact is, there was a problem in the Church at Corinth. Women we blurting out their questions during services. On occasion, even calling leaders into account publicly. The fact is, the Apostle wasn't telling the women to "just stuff it". He was asking them to maintain order and ask the person they should ask, their husbands, for instruction. The problem is: can most Christian men today adequately and accurately instruct? I remember, one time in chat, talking about a point of doctrine in the bible, with a brother. I asked the question: "Have you considered the hermeneutics involved here?" I about died when he responded: "Herman Who?" Okay, he doesn't have to be a seminary student. But he has to be someone who has "studied to show himself approved".

Your Honor! Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. 1 Peter 3:7 I made the statement the other day that I wasn't so sure it's love I really want in a mate, as much as it is respect. They thought I was loopy, until I showed them this verse. To treat with respect. To be considerate.

Wow! In a world where women are treated, at best, like kmart specials (at worst, like sex objects), it's nice to see a man of God who is considerate and respectful! "But, how can a man respect a woman who is weaker than he is?" Okay, here's how: If you take a delicate crystal goblet, and turn it upside down, and balance 100 pounds on it, do you realize that the goblet will not be crushed? We are the "weaker" vessel, in that we are delicate and don't have as much physical strength as a man, however, the man will respect the fact that we have what is called "delicate strength". It's that delicate strength that makes us able to give birth, and still love the baby (and hubby) afterwards. It's that delicate strength that can stay up all night, tending to a sick child. It's that delicate strength that rubs his back when he's had a hard day at work, in spite of being dog-tired. There's something interesting about the end of the passage, a kind of "warning" from the Lord: "so that nothing will hinder your prayers." A refusal to respect and be kind to your wife can hinder a man's prayers? Wow! Let's Caucus! David caucused with Rachel and Leah about a matter concerning them: their inheritance. In Genesis 31:4-16, we read the story about goats-n-goodies. I remember watching the film: Meet me In St. Louie. The Dad, a sturdy fellow with a fetish for sliced (not shaved) corned beef, spent most of his time TELLING his wife what was what. He didn't confer with her, not once. A good mate will confer with is wife about matters regarding their life together. Conclusion It's interesting to note that there doesn't seem to be as long a list for guys as for gals (see the article about finding a biblical wife). The problem is, how to

determine if these things are part of the man's Christian character? Observation helps. And in-person observation is a MUST. Asking questions is also important. Now, I know some women feel uncomfy asking a man: just how will you support a family? After all, we're supposed to trust that God will provide, right? That sounds nice, but try telling them at the Piggly Wiggly that God will pay for the milk! The bottom line is that it takes more than his being a Christian. The godly mate is a man who is actively working to become a husband. No, he won't be "perfect". But he will certainly be trying to follow the scriptural outline. checklist: 1- Does he believe marriage is til death do you part? And, is he willing to "go the gauntlet?" 2- Is he willing to sexually please you as well as be sexually pleased by you? 3- Does he even know what love is? (He could ask Forrest Gump, but God's Word knows better!) 4- Will he be faithful? Or is he an "international guy" with Roman hands and Russian fingers? 5- Will he protect you, even if it means protecting you from himself? 6- Will he be satisfied with you as much at sixty as he was back when you were sexy? 7- Is he able to instruct in spiritual matters? 8- Will he show you respect? 9- Is he willing to caucus or is he an Ayatollah in the Home? 10- Can he provide food, shelter and clothing for a family (without you working?)