@thefoxnews

Now off campus for legal reasons. editor@ thefoxnewspaper.co.uk

Issue 2

www.thefoxnewspaper.co.uk

IT JUST ISNT FUNNY ANY MORE, SAYS FOX WRITER

We have lost one of our best this week, as top writer Gerald C. Brivent-Barnes gives up satire for good, exclaiming Nothing about the world is funny in any way. Politics just pisses me off now. I hate people, the government isnt funny, news isnt funny, and to be honest, The Fox just has nothing to write about any more. The editorial forum in our offices hasnt had a new article in weeks. Financial crisis? Oh, fucking hilarious. Russian protests? I dont want to write about that. Ill just get shouted at. Someone wrote an article about Palestine and Israel the other day. It nearly got on to the front page until we all realised that wed just complaints about it. What we failed to notice is that nothing about Israel is funny. And the university. Just get shouted at Honestly, nothing dynamic, exciting, interesting, amusing or laudable ever occurred on this stupid campus. The Fox is just a colossal waste of time. Since we published our first issue weve been shouted at by the Rabbit editor, had to wait for the slowest people in the world to reply to emails, and weve had to wait literally a month before being told that we werent allowed to distribute on campus because nothing about anything can be funny and inoffensive at the same time. The only praise weve got is someone repeatedly saying I did enjoy the bit in the places to eat on campus article when He always finishes with the same fucking punch-line. Of course I know how it ends, I wrote it. But that just doesnt exist anymore. Nothing is funny. Humour is dead, and my career has gone with it. Just look at the news today. I dont think Europe is funny. I dont think Frozen Planet is funny. The only thing weve been writing articles about for the past 6 months is Berlusconi, and hes gone and bottled it now, so whats left? Continued on page 2...

The Fox

Published Monthly

Page 2

Everyone at The Fox would like to assure readers that Mr. Brivent-Barnes does not represent the feelings of the rest of the team, although we would like to extend our gratitude to him for his long and hard-working career of many months. If you would like to write articles to fill Geralds spaces, send in any submissions to editor@thefoxnewspaper.co.uk. Please be aware that we will neither be polite nor punctual in replying to your submissions, even if we want to print them. Please include nothing that could be interpreted as libel, nothing that could be interpreted as threatening or abuse, and nothing overtly racist. Good luck and good writing.

SOCIOLOGY DEPT. RELEASES RESEARCH THAT PEOPLE ARE WEIRD AND I SHOULD STAY IN MY OFFICE
The Sociology Department of Essex University has been making waves this week after conclusive research is released suggesting that "People are weird and I should just stay in my office." A Professor of the Sociology Department, Dr. Bernard Wright said "This is seriously important research; arguably more important than any sociological research to date. It reveals a direct causal relationship between the fact that people are just arseholes and morons and the positive trend that I prefer to stay in my office rather than go outside, even to talk to the department's postgraduate administrator." From the research it is evident that there is a positive relationship between the two variables; when one changes, the other is sure to follow suit. The initial hypothesis only hinted at a probabilistic relationship, but in actual fact the research has shown that a definite deterministic link exists between the complex socio-biological phenomenon that people are a bunch of cheerful dicks and whether I should stay at home in my pants and watch reruns of How I Met Your Mother on Channel 4 because Barney Stinson seems more like it would be cool for people to be like in real life. Dr. Miles Jamesson of Nottingham University said "The research is of crucial importance; a critical turning point in the decision to stay out of touch with the outside world and wish that I was living in a log cabin in the Arctic Circle, or canoeing down the River Hudson in Canada, even though I know I could never get a trip like that together." When asked if he expected the findings, Dr. Wright replied "I'd always suspected that the trend of people being a group of dull, gross and strange-looking bunch of morons and that I should never leave the house except for when I need to buy more milk because the bottle I bought last week smells a bit off was more than just a statistical probability, but this confirms it for sure." Just read anything by the Love Guru.

The Fox

Published Monthly

Page 3

THE SPECTRE OF STUDENT COMMUNISM

Following the strikes against public sector pension cuts this month, in which hundreds of people nationwide went on strike to protest the approaching cuts to pensions of public sector workers, the committee leaders of a number of societies here at Essex University released a statement calling for widespr ead pseudorevolutionary intention. Chris Blackpool, of the Socialist Workers' Party, said to The Fox "We have gone unheard for too long; the time for revolution is now. Or, like, you know, when we've paid off our loans and got a graduate job offer." Similar feelings of 'Student Revolution' can be heard elsewhere as well. The Fox has been on campus at a number of universities getting an insight into the anti-establishment feelings widely held by students. One student at the University of Leeds said "Exactly. Revolution is exactly the type of thing that we should be doing right now. Just look how cool Che Guevara is [sic]; he is fighting for our right to revolt in this country. Capitalism must be brought down because it's bad, or whatever. Just check out this T-shirt that I had made at Viralprints." Another student said "It is appalling how the government takes liberties with the British public, and the time for strong words has never been more appropriate. We must unite in one enthusiastic and outspoken display of how angry we are at the world. The last straw will be if Facebook changes its newsfeed again." Here at Essex, students were heard in Square four chanting the phrase "Fuck the government; fuck shit up." before progressing to the doors of the Students' Union building, where they were told that they must first fill out a form and seek a letter from a senior member of staff which grants them permission to stage a large assembly on campus before they can protest. After this they dispersed, agreeing to try again next Wednesday at 3pm. One student told The Fox "Essex Uni has always been a hotbed of liberal and socialist ideas. We need revolution; society doesn't work without student revolution, and what better place to stage the overthrowing of government than Square Four?" Another student said "If my degree wasn't being paid for by my dad, I'd get in one of my cars right now, drive down to the houses of parliament and literally petition them to all step down. It's just that I've just got a pretty big essay due pretty soon, so I can't." After a meeting in 5B.125, which they had booked out weeks in advance to ensure that they would have the room at their disposal, the Socialist Workers' Party committee released this statement: "A spectre is haunting Essex campus - the Spectre of Student Communism. All the powers of the Students' Union and teaching staff have done their best to make us happy, but their blatantly fake efforts have failed. It is high time that student communists should openly, in the face of the whole of square four, talk about their views with other student communists until they are as angry as we are. We must meet this nursery tale of the Spectre of Communism with a big banner with some red paint on it and a protest about how despicable everything that anyone in power does is. To this end, communists of various departments have assembled in 5B.125 and talked about revolution for a bit, before heading to the SU bar. The statement was published and distributed around campus, before the SWP recalled them following accusations by the Philosophy Department of plagiarism. The Fox attempted to contact Chris Blackpool for a statement, but sources told us he was in the bathroom cleaning red paint off his Levis and reportedly asking if he could borrow money to get them dry-cleaned.

ACCOMMODATION CUTS A MESSAGE FROM THE FOX

If you live in South Courts, your rent this year is 114% of last year. If youre in the North Towers, its 108%. Your cleaning services have been cut Towers, which enjoyed daily cleaning last year, have now been forced to cope with weekly cleaning. 50% of the cleaning workforce have been laid off. In the past years, cleaners have served as an informal but hugely valuable counselling service. Such a service would be more appreciated than ever now; Nightline is also suffering. Phones have been taken out of your rooms and replaced with an anti-user friendly and ill-functioning online service. Pair this with the bad internet services now provided by a private company any student in need of help from Nightline or the RSN is hard pressed to contact anyone. Despite all of this, the company in charge of your accommodation services is reporting record predicted profits for this year. At least you avoided the rise in fees. Little comfort. Please, if you feel the same way as us about this, get involved and support all Students Union campaigns on the changes. We will be.

The Fox

Published Monthly

Page 4

As thousands of freshers crammed underneath the picturesque, brutalist arches of the Squares last month, the stalls of the 4 main political parties on campus featured prominently, with freebies galore. Heres a quick guide to anything you might have missed and what to expect from the societies themselves. The Liberal Democrats: The same dark cloud that hangs above most Liberal Democrats across the country can be found at Essex Liberal Youth, although since only 3 people actually attend the society, the cloud is pretty small. What they gave out: For the smallest political society on campus, the freshers fair offering was actually pretty large, if laughable. Several of the Lib Dem leaflets appeared to have been knocked up in 4 minutes using Microsoft Paint [Ed- much like our last issue] and there was a large amount of pens, badges and other sundries. Colchesters eccentric MP, Bob Russell, was even there to shake a few hands and display his Lib Dem tie. What to expect from the society: Expect to talk about the same 3 issues every week; electoral reform, legalising drugs and whether the coalition is working. Apart from the Liberal Youth conference, where mini muesli munching liberals from all over the country join together to spend 4 hours debating over a change to the sixth paragraph of the Lib Dem guidance document on couscous preparation, the most you can hope for from the Lib Dems is distributing leaflets for the council election a task about as gripping as shovelling mud in 12th century rural China. The Tories: About the same size as Labour, they are the only right wing party on campus unless you count the mysterious Libertarian Soc, which only has 2 members. What they gave out: Several local council leaflets and the opportunity to get a photo with a cardboard David Cameron [Ed - David Cameron is made out of cardboard] What to expect: The Tories at Essex have a very strange flavour. It's a mixture of Bullingdon Club drunkenness and working class Tory/Daily Mail I'm not racist but.. statements. Other than the obvious leafleting and discussions, the Tories do visit conference at least once a year. At the very least try and blag a piss up out of them, they do those quite well. Labour: Last year Labour became the SWP diet version; every other meeting contained at least one discussion about nationalisation. This year the societys President has realised that the year is no longer 1946 and is opting for a more moderate tone. What they gave out: Leaflets and stickers. Nothing particularly exciting; the only celebrity guest was the leader of the Labour group on Colchester Council; someone with star power lower than that bald bloke from the 6th series of Big Brother. What to expect: Good discussions about the principles of the Labour Party, moderate drinking, and not much else. The SWP: Well, you are studying at Red Essex, the home of student radicalism; you shouldn't be too surprised to learn that the SWP were the most active society on campus last year, successfully leading the student protests to total defeat. What they gave out: Books, lots of bloody books. It was like they'd stolen Tony Benn's personal library. None of us at the Fox ever spoke to anyone on the stall so we are never too sure if the books were free or not. We would hope they were, although irony is often experienced at SWP meetings where special guests come to flog their books. Fuck the system unless we need to eat! What to expect: Talking about the upcoming revolution. Talking about the next protest which will begin the revolution. Sadly realising the revolution will not come before Christmas and deciding to paste up a few thousand posters on Square 4 instead. Every once in a while the book stall comes to campus and a bearded socialist stands behind it; smoking his hand rolled cigarette and making sure that everyone can see that he is reading a vintage copy of the complete works of Marx.

POLITICAL SOCIETIES GUIDE

WANT TO MAKE A HILARIOUS CONTRIBUTION TO SOCIETY? SEND ANY ARTICLE SUBMISSIONS TO EDITOR@THEFOXNEWSPAPER.CO.UK, OR MAYBE PRINT OFF A FEW COPIES FOR YOUR FRIENDS AND HELP US KEEP UP THE LIBEL.