The Seven Secrets of Success

THE SEVEN SECRETS OF SUCCESS
INTRODUCTION
Welcome to The Seven Secrets of Success. The word success can be applied to all aspects of our lives. You may be searching for success in your career, your relationships, your financial situation, health or your sense of well-being. Clearly, any one of these could benefit from a series of its own and, while this series cant cover all aspects of life, Ive aimed to put together Seven Tips which, when followed and applied, cant fail but have a positive impact on your life and increase your chance of success. Each Secret contains some practical exercises and I really recommend that you do these. As with all aspects of coaching, its taking action thats the key to success not just thinking about it. Thinking about it is a good first step, but isnt enough if you really want to make changes in your life. I hope you find this series useful please dont hesitate to contact me if you have any questions or need any help. My contact details are at the bottom of each page. Good luck and heres to your great success in everything you do.
Annabel Sutton, 2009. May not be reproduced without permission. Phone: 44 (0)1747 871196 Email: annabel@annabelsutton.com www.annabelsutton.com
Contents
Success Secret No 1
Know What your Definition of Success is Page No. 1
Success Secret No 2
Know Where Youre Going
Page No 4
Success Secret No 3
Celebrate Your Achievements
Page No 6
Success Secret No 4
Maximise Your Energy
Page No 8
Success Secret No 5
Watch Your Language
Page No11
Success Secret No 6
Take Time Out
Page No 15
Success Secret No 7
Just Say NO
Page No 17
And Finally
Page No 19
SECRET NUMBER ONE

Before you can be successful, you need to know what your definition of success is
"Whats money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do." Bob Dylan
Have you ever come across somebody who seems to have all the external trappings of success: loads of money, powerful job, expensive lifestyle and yet somehow they dont seem happy? Its probably because their seemingly successful life is totally incongruent with who they really are and whats truly important to them. Thats why this first secret is so important. Without the awareness of what success really means to you, and whats truly important to you, you could be chasing an illusion what everyone else thinks success means and it wont actually bring you happiness and fulfilment. Once youre clear about what success means for you, you can be much more focused about where you want to go in life. If youre NOT clear about it, youre more likely to drift with little focus or clarity and find it hard to make decisions about your future. What does success mean for you? How would you define it and how would you like it to show up in your life?
Page No 1
Theres no right or wrong answer to this question. Its intensely personal and everyones definition will be different. For some it might mean making it to the top of their chosen career; for others material wealth might epitomise success; while for others their definition of success might be entirely built round fulfilling relationships or perhaps managing to live in a fully self-sustainable way, enjoying an enriching spiritual life or giving everything away to charity. What about you? Jot down some ideas. If you find it difficult and many people do here are a couple of tips that might help to initiate some ideas and give you a fresh perspective: Without censoring or editing, complete the sentence: For me, success means . as many times as you can. Dont think about it too hard and write down whatever comes to mind first. Project yourself forward to your 70th birthday and take a look back over your life. From this perspective, what would you like to have achieved? What would have been really important to you? Imagine that family and friends are going to arrive for a big celebratory party later in the day. What would you like them to say about you? What tributes would you like them to pay? This may sound a touch morbid, but its a great trick to focus the mind on whats really important to you and how you want to live your life: Have a go at writing your own obituary. First, write a version which describes your current life. How does that feel? Does it embrace those things that are really important to you and which you want to prioritise in your life? If it doesnt feel right, try a second version and include those things for which you would like to be remembered.
Page No 2
In 2005 Roz Savage became the first woman to compete in the solo Atlantic Rowing Race. She rowed 3000 miles across the Atlantic Ocean, alone and unsupervised, and spent 103 days at sea. This remarkable feat only came about because she did the Obituary writing exercise and wasnt satisfied with what she saw in her first version! Her second version included words like adventurous, courageous, fearless and colourful. Clearly, Roz Savages story is pretty exceptional and Im not suggesting that you have to go off and conquer Everest or become a Barack Obama or Mother Theresa. But being crystal clear about what success really means to you knowing what your priorities are and whats truly important to you will provide a solid foundation for your future success. It should bring a sense of clarity and peace to your life and will be the touchstone for any decisions you make about your future.
"The definition of success: To laugh much; to win respect of intelligent persons and the affections of children; to earn the approbation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give one's self; to leave the world a little better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm, and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived - this is to have succeeded." Ralph Waldo Emerson
Page No 3
SECRET NUMBER TWO

Know where youre going
Begin with the end in mind. Stephen Covey
One of the differences between those who are really successful and those who arent is that the former have a clear vision of the future and are focused on achieving the goals that will get them there. I have mixed feelings about setting goals. I know its important, but sometimes it all feels a bit mechanical and robotic as if youre on a treadmill where every second of the day must be accounted for and has to be productive. Personally, Im all for a bit of spontaneity in life, but having said that it is important to have some kind of vision of where you want your life to go. Without it youll find that life tends to drift. Theres nothing wrong with that if thats how you want to live your life (after all, going with the flow and letting your life progress organically might be your definition of success) but for those who want a more focused approach, a clear vision of the future is one of the keys to success. Here are some exercises to get you thinking about how you would like your future to be: Consider all the different aspects of your life: your work, family, significant relationship, social life, hobbies, sport, community, finances, spirituality, creativity, your home and physical environment, health and well-being. Taking each one in turn, think about what it would be like if you were entirely satisfied with that aspect of your life. What would that look like? What would be different? What changes would you need to make?
Page No 4
With this in mind, write a description of the way you would love your life to look in, say, one years time. Or you could choose to do it in five years or ten whatever works for you. Make this description as detailed, vivid and real as you can. What are you doing? Where are you? Who are you with? What can you see, hear, taste, touch and smell? How are you feeling? The key with this exercise is to write it in the present tense, as if its already happened. Youll find that its much more powerful and has the effect of building momentum drawing you almost unconsciously towards your desired outcome.
Another way to do this especially if youre naturally a visual person is to create a Vision Board or Dream Board. This is a way to build a visual representation of your future vision. You can use pictures or words and phrases from magazines or newspapers; photos; drawings anything that creates a compelling future vision.
Once you know where youre going and what youre working towards then you can start to plan and set the goals that are going to get you there. No more wandering around in a mist of uncertainty you can set your sail for your very own dynamic horizon.
Its the set of the sail, not the blow of the gale, that determines your course in life. Randy Davis
Page No 5
SECRET NUMBER THREE

Celebrate your achievements
When you find achievements to celebrate, you nourish your spirit and motivate yourself. Jinny Ditzler
Before every coaching session I ask my clients to complete a summary of how theyve got on in the time since our last session. The first question on the form is What have I achieved? Often theyll say that they had no idea theyd achieved so much until they actually sat down and thought about it. And this is the key. Perverse creatures that we are, were far more likely to get to the end of the day and think about all the things we havent done, or failed to do as well as wed have liked. How many times do you sit down of an evening and make a list of all the things youve done well? Its just not what we do. I dont know why it is, but our natural inclination is always to focus on the negatives. Given ten pieces of individual feedback nine of them with glowing comments and one with negative which one are we most likely to focus on more? Well dismiss the positive comments and keep coming back to the negative. OK, there will be days when you havent done everything youd planned and when you might have screwed something up. Of course, nothing goes smoothly all the time. So what? You can learn from those experiences. Theres a quote which is always attributed to Queen Victoria (though somehow that seems a bit unlikely) which goes: There is no such thing as failure only success and new learning.
Page No 6
Its critically important to focus on, and celebrate, our achievements. Doing so will have a positive impact on our outlook, our confidence and, ultimately, our success. Here are some suggestions to help you build this habit into your schedule: At the end of each day make a list of at least five things youve achieved during the day. These dont have to be monumental it could be something as seemingly insignificant as I finally finished writing my report or I went for a bike ride today the key is that theyre important / significant to you in some way. Having done this, consider how you could build on these successes the following day. If doing this daily feels a bit much, perhaps you could get into the habit of doing it at the end of the week, or even each month. The key is to do it on a regular basis. My clients really notice the difference it makes when they get into the habit of noting their achievements on a regular basis. If you have children you could make this a family activity: ask them at supper-time what they achieved today, or involve your spouse or partner. If youve achieved something significant something youve wanted to do for ages / a long-term goal you could plan something special as a way to reward yourself and celebrate your success. Its particularly important to do this at the end of each year. Sit down and write a HUGE list of all the things youve achieved in the year. Its a really nourishing exercise to do and will set you up in a positive frame of mind for the start of the New Year. Increasing your self-esteem is easy. Simply do good things and remember that you did them. John-Roger
Page No 7
SECRET NUMBER FOUR

Maximise your energy
1. TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR NATURAL ENERGY CYCLES We all have natural energy cycles when we feel the most awake and focused; Im usually at my best in the morning whereas I know others that prefer to burn the midnight oil and thats when they do their best work. When are you at your best? What times of day do you feel bright, clearheaded and full of energy? And when do you feel sluggish, fuzzy and tired? They key is to know and accept when your energy is naturally at its best and to consciously use these times for those tasks that require more mental concentration and effort. The down times are best reserved for more routine activities. This can be applied to relationships, too. How many couples wait until the end of the day, usually when theyre about to go to sleep, to initiate those potentially difficult and divisive conversations? If youre tired, whatever you do dont succumb to the pressure. Acknowledge the fact that you or your partner wants to talk, but suggest that you wait until the morning or a time when you both feel ready, and have the energy, for it. 2. ELIMINATE YOUR ENERGY DRAINERS You cant make headway in life when there are things that are consistently draining your energy and dragging you down. Its like trying to walk through a ploughed field after its been raining and your boots are clogged with mud; or trying to swim fully clothed. Youll end up feeling exhausted and stressed and wont get anywhere fast.
Page No 8
What are these energy drainers exactly? It could be physical stuff like an untidy desk or shirt you cant wear because of a missing button; It could be a draining relationship or a friend who talks endlessly about themselves and their problems and drains your energy each time you speak; It could be something about your physical environment (a room that needs painting or the broken toaster that needs replacing); or maybe your finances (too much credit card debt, lack of insurance, etc). There are endless possibilities. The key is that these are things that irritate you, that drain your energy when you think about them or have to engage with them in any way and that youre currently putting up with. So, what to do? Make a list of ALL the things in your life that are currently draining your energy. Some may be relatively small things (such as the missing button) and some might feel pretty big perhaps your job is really getting you down and you know deep down that you need to make a change. Next, go through the list and highlight the items that are irritating you the most. Dont think about this too long go with your initial instinct. Go through the list again and use a different means of highlighting any items that look as if they would be relatively easy to deal with. Choose THREE to deal with in the next week. If theyre items that are relatively easy to deal with and irritating you the most, so much the better. Cross them off the list as you handle them and then choose three more. Aim to keep going with your list until theyre all dealt with. Each time you eliminate one of these energy drainers youll feel so much better and should experience a sense of relief and lightness. That alone should help to galvanise you and build momentum.
Page No 9
Clearly, some items will be easier than others. You may need some help and support with the trickier ones. 3. Last, but not least, while youre busy eliminating those things that are draining your energy, its really important to add things to your life that give you energy. What do you love to do? What nourishes you and feeds your body and soul? Is it singing? Walking? Sport? Meditation? Something creative? Trying something new? Whatever it is for you, its vital to be sure to include these activities in your life.
Lets define tolerations as things that bug us, sap our energy, and could be eliminated! Theres a small payoff to carrying tolerations you get to feel kind of noble about your burdens and your forbearance. But, believe me, its a very expensive source of self-esteem. Tolerations are holes in your personal success cup; they drain away your contentment and good fortune. They drain YOU. They make you feel less attractive to yourself. Tolerations often represent compromises youve talked yourself into.
Thomas Leonard
Page No 10
SECRET NUMBER FIVE

Watch your Language
Change your thoughts and you change your world. Norman Vincent Peale Success in life has much to do with confidence. Confidence is a complex subject and much has been written about it. Here, though, Im focusing on building confidence through the (external) language you use when talking to others and also, crucially, dealing with the (internal) language from your Inner Critic The language we use can have a major impact not only on how we view ourselves, but also in the way others view us. Its important to become aware of the language we use and to be especially attuned to the use of unassertive language. Self-deprecation is a very British thing to do, and while its great to be able to laugh at yourself and not take things too seriously, it should never be at the expense of your self-confidence. Some people let themselves down by using unassertive and self-deprecating language. Phrases like Trust me to get it wrong or Ive always been hopeless at or Dont ask me to do that, Im bound to mess it up give a very clear message about your view of yourself and your abilities. For the next few days be especially attuned to the language that you, and others, use. Notice when people use phrases that put themselves down in some way. What impact does it have? If you tend towards selfdeprecation yourself, just experiment with avoiding it for a couple of days and see what happens. You dont have to start bragging or boasting about yourself, but choose NOT to put yourself down. The way you use words can have a huge impact on the quality of your life. Some words are destructive while others are empowering. Here are a couple of examples:
Page No 11
How often do you use the word SHOULD? Should is a word to be avoided like the plague. It implies that you have little choice or control over a situation and that there are external forces or pressures at work. In other words, whatever it is that you feel you should be doing is probably not something you really want to be doing, but rather something that someone else is putting pressure on you to do. Shoulds are almost always energy drainers. Each time you notice yourself using the word should try replacing it with the word could instead. See how much better that feels? It immediately gives you the element of choice. Its not something youve got to do, its something you can choose to do or not. Its up to you.
Another word to avoid is WHY? Its human nature to want to know why something is happening to us and to make sense of a difficult situation. But it gets you nowhere and keeps you mired in the past. Instead of asking Why something has happened, ask yourself a What question instead. For example, rather than asking Why did that happen? ask What do I want to do about it? See how much more empowering, positive and forward thinking that is?
Equally crucial for success is the need to be aware of, and deal with, our Inner Dialogue. We ALL do it. We all have that Inner Critic (or Chatterbox or Gremlin or whatever you want to call it) who leaps into action whenever we think about stretching ourselves or attempting anything new. This is the inner voice that tells us were crazy to even think of doing something new who do we think we are to consider such a thing? were hopeless nobody would think of hiring us and so it goes on. This inner language or dialogue can be really destructive. It comes from all kinds of places: messages from childhood (from parents, school, teachers,
Page No 12
authority figures), from the media, advertising, bosses, friends, colleagues. By the time were adults weve amassed loads of evidence that were not good enough and are bound to fail. Its NOT TRUE! The only person holding you back, ultimately, is yourself. It was the indomitable First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt who said, so wonderfully, No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Dont let your demons get you down is a line from the song Shine by Take That and thats exactly what Im talking about here. Its not easy to conquer the demons. But remember that awareness is the precursor of change. Once youre aware of something then you can start (if you choose) to change it. So how to do that? The first thing to do is just to start noticing when the inner dialogue kicks in. Start keeping track of the negative messages or limiting beliefs that you hold about yourself. After a few days take a look and see if there are any that are particularly dominant. Ask yourself is it PRODUCTIVE for me to believe this? If not, see if you can come up with a Positive Opposite of the negative or limiting belief. For example, if youve identified Im hopeless at public speaking as a firmly entrenched belief, you could replace it with Public speaking is easy. I do it easily and naturally. If the total opposite is too much to take on board, you can create a Bridging Belief one that bridges the gap between the two and feels more doable. In the above example, it could be With the right training and practice I know that Im perfectly capable of speaking in public.
Page No 13
Then its a case of inculcating your new beliefs. This takes practice and persistence. Its not going to happen overnight. It took many years for these negative beliefs to become entrenched and so dont be deterred if they try to stick around as long as they can! See if you can come up with creative ways to start living and breathing your new positive messages (or affirmations). Some ideas: write them on post-its and stick them all over the house, especially in places you will see them a lot. Have a go at, literally, breathing them in: on a long breath, inhale deeply as you think of your positive affirmation and, if you like, you can think of the negative message as you exhale. Repeat your positive affirmation to yourself as often as you can during the day, but particularly first thing in the morning and last thing at night (while exercising is a great time, too). Maybe you could create a visual representation of your affirmation and have that somewhere you can see it frequently. Maybe theres a song that represents the new feeling that you can play The important thing is to do this on a daily basis.
Language is powerful. The way you use it and the words you choose to believe about yourself, will have a huge impact on your self-confidence and, ultimately, your success.
An affirmation is a strong, positive statement that something is already so. Shakti Gawain
Page No 14
SECRET NUMBER SIX

Take time out for yourself
The time to relax is when you dont have time for it. Anonymous
Whether youre the owner of a thriving business, an employee, a student or a busy mum this final secret is hugely important. Life in the 21st century seems to have speeded up so much, and become so hectic, that the majority of people I coach are running flat out on their hamster wheels and are consistently challenged by never having enough time. The technology revolution hasnt helped. Many of us are dogged by relentless electronic chatter. Whereas decluttering used to mean clearing out a few cupboards, now it invariably includes clearing out the email Inbox as well. Whatever your circumstances, its vital to take time out from your busy schedule to refresh and energise yourself on a regular basis. Its no coincidence that if you take apart the word recreation you end up with recreation. Taking time out to rest is, literally, a chance to recreate yourself. Taking time out will mean something different for everyone. I remember when I was studying for my finals at University my friends had to literally force me to take breaks from my revision. In the end, in desperation, they bought me a train ticket to travel to London to go and see in the flesh the works of art that I was studying! This was inspired. Not only did I desperately need the break but getting away from my normal environment (in this case the University of East Anglia library) was massively energising and refreshing in itself.
Page No 15
If youre working hard at anything you will do better work and be more productive if you take regular breaks. And that means not only doing something completely different, but taking yourself into a different environment as well. This is essential. For example, taking a break from computer work by playing computer games is not a valid break. For the business owners I work with, the hour spent in their coaching session is hugely beneficial. It gives them the opportunity to get away and work ON the business rather than IN it. Equally, many agree that they do their best thinking and strategic planning sitting in a caf nursing a latte, or on a train journey, rather than sitting at their desk. What does taking time out mean for you? Is it making sure you get out into the fresh air for a walk or bike ride as often as you can? Does it mean the luxury of taking yourself away for a weekend break? Is it having a chance to meditate every morning before the hustle and bustle of the day begins? Whatever it is that you need to recharge your batteries, be sure to make time to do it. I know its really hard to find the time, and it can be particularly challenging if you have small children, but see if you can get creative with it. If you cast your mind back to the last time you were watching the safety demonstration on an aircraft you may remember that they instruct you to put on your own oxygen mask first so that you can then help those around you. In life its just the same. You need to take care of yourself so that youre better equipped to be there for others as well as yourself.
Page No 16
SECRET NUMBER SEVEN

Learn to say NO
If you never say NO then what is your YES worth? Anon So what about the perennial problem that just wont go away? The very 21st Century problem of never having enough time After all, if youre going to be taking time out for yourself youre going to need to find the time to do it. Here are a couple of suggestions of ways to regain control over your time: For the next week keep a Time Log where you make a note of everything you do in the day and roughly how long you spend on each activity. You dont have to be a slave to this, but try to be as precise as you can. At the end of the week add up the time you spend on all the different activities. What does this tell you? Are there things youre spending far too much time on? Are there activities that are wasting your time? Are some things no longer a priority now that you look at them in black and white? Are there things you could delegate to someone else or even drop altogether? This exercise can be a real eye opener and the results may well help you to see how you can carve out more time for yourself. Learn to say no. This is, without doubt, the most important word in the English language when it comes to time management. SO many people struggle with this. Why is this? Perhaps its because we dont like to let people down; we may be flattered to be asked to help with something; ultimately we just want to be liked. Whatever the reason, saying no is incredibly hard. But remember: every time you say yes to someone else you are effectively saying no to YOU. There are only so
Page No 17
many hours in the day and you just cant keep filling them up by saying yes to everything youre asked to do. So how to do it? Here are some suggestions: Play for time. When someone asks you to do something tell them youll get back to them in an hour, or that evening, or tomorrow. This gives you time to think about it rationally and to decide whether it is really something you want to do (not something you should do). Find a graceful way to say no. My tip is to use the hamburger model which gives you a really simple, yet polite and graceful way to say no. Imagine that the hamburger buns represent positive statements and the burger itself a negative and this Simply sandwich the no between the two positive statements. Something like: I really appreciate you asking me to be on the committee. Its kind of you to think of me. Im afraid Im not able to accept, but thanks again for asking me and I wish you lots of luck with it. That may sound a bit clunky. Youll need to find language that works for you. But using that model makes it a bit easier to decline and hey presto the hours you would have had to spend on the boring a tedious committee you now have for yourself! Of course, you may have been just waiting to be asked to be on that committee in which its a completely different story!
Saying no can be the ultimate self-care.
Claudia Black
Page No 18
And Finally
I really hope youve found these Secrets to Success useful. Youll continue to receive tips like these every month as, by requesting this series, you have been automatically subscribed to my Free Coaching Tips. If youd like to read more, my book 52 Ways to Change Your Life contains a compilation of 52 Tips one for each week of the year. Its available from any Neals Yard Remedies shop or online at www.nealsyardremedies.com If youd like to find out more about Life Coaching and how it could help you, youre welcome to contact me for a free, no obligation consultation. Email Annabel@annabelsutton.com for more details. Wishing you every success
Annabel
ICF Professional Certified Coach 44 (0)1747 871196 Annabel@annabelsutton.com www.annabelsutton.com Follow me on Twitter: Annabel_Sutton Connect with me on LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/annabelsutton

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THE SEVEN SECRETS OF SUCCESS

SECRET NUMBER ONE

SECRET NUMBER TWO

SECRET NUMBER THREE

SECRET NUMBER FOUR

SECRET NUMBER FIVE

SECRET NUMBER SIX

SECRET NUMBER SEVEN

Saying no can be the ultimate self-care.

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