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Top Ten Blonde Inventions

10...The water-proof towel


9...Solar powered flashlight
8...Submarine screen door
7...A book on how to read
6...Inflatable dart board
5...A dictionary index
4...Ejector seat in a helicopter.
5...Powdered water
2...Pedal-powered wheel chair
1...Water-proof tea bag

Top Ten Ways to tell your HMO is going bankrupt


10...Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
9...Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the
trailer park."
8...Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
7...Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
6...Only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "an apple a day." 5...Your
"primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4..."Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
3...The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2...With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little
m's on them.
1...When you ask for Viagra, you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

Top Ten Funniest Email Adresses


10...Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu
9...Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu
8...George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.)
-blowmegd@dropdrawers.com
7...Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) -dickinme@iup.edu
6...Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) -kissinfk@lvu.edu
5...Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home decorating)- beeranbj@myplace.com
4...Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu
3...Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) -ibballin@bsu.edu
2...Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division,Overton Canada)
- btkisser@bendover.com
1...Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - ihadcock@tru.co

Top Ten Children's books never published


10...You Were An Accident.
9...Strangers Have The Best Candy.
8...Attention Deficit Disorder Handbook For Children..Hey Lets Go Play!
7...What Is That Dog Doing To That Other Dog?
6...Daddy's New Girlfriend, Steve.
5...101 Animal Cruelties.
4...Controlling Your Playground Through Fear.
3...Things Rich Kids Have And You Never Will.
2...Garfields Got Feline AIDS.
1...Blackmail The Principal...The Study Guide.

Top Ten ways to tell your car sucks


10...People behind you change lanes to keep your oil off their windsheild
9...Tractor trailer drivers are afraid to pass you.
8...Opening your trunk includes finding a screwdriver.
7...Your driveway looks like an oil slick and the EPA cites you for it. 6...Your
friends would rather walk or ride a bus to school or work than ride in it.
5...The motor is so loud you can't hear a dumptruck crash through a nitroglycerin
factory.
4...You have ever had to leave it running for fear it might not start back up.
3...You have ever been chased down by a firetruck.
2...You refer to your car as beast, P.O.S. junker, or hooptee.
1...You have ever parked on the side of the road and someone stops and asks you if
you are injured.

Top Ten ways to tell you are fat


10...You dance and make the band skip.
9...You go bungee jumping and go straight to hell.
8...You go to the zoo and elephants throw you peanuts.
7...Your drivers liscense says "Picture continued on other side".
6...You go to a restaraunt and insted of amenu ,you get an estimate.
5...You have to use a boomerang to put a belt on.
4...Your family portrait has stretch marks.
3...People have to take three trains and abus ride to get on your good side.
2...Your nickname is HOLY $HIT!.
1...You get runs in your jeans.

Top Ten Things Men Shouldn't Yell In Victoria's Secret


10... Does this come in children's sizes?
9...No thanks, just sniffing.
8...I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7...Mom will love this.
6...Oh, the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
5...No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
4...Will you model this for me???
3...The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
2...45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
1... Oh, honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that.

Top Ten Reasons Why Sex Is Better Than School


10.... Everbody likes sex and nobody likes school,except for virgins and only
because they haven't had sex yet.
9.... Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc... School just sucks.
8.... After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you feel like
smoking something a whole hell of a lot stronger.
7.... You only get disciplined during sex if you want to.
6.... Drinking drives people to sex, where as school drives people to drink.
5....Sex relieves stress. School is the cause of stress.
4.... Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex.
3.... After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.
2.... Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is still cheaper
than paying thousands of dollars in tuition.
And the Number 1 reason why sex is better than school is........
1.... At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex. At school
your teachers screw you regardless.
Top Ten Not To Say When You Get Pulled Over
10.... Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
9.... Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
8.... You're not gonna check the trunk are you?
7.... I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars
around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
6.... I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police
officer.
5.... Officer says, "Son, Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You respond
with, "Officer, your eyes looked glazed, have you been eating donuts?
4.... Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
3.... Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too!
2.... Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
l.... I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Top Ten shortest books


10.... DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
9.... DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
8.... EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7.... EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6.... ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
5.... MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4.... SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club
3.... THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2.... MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
1....MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton

Top Ten Funniest Newspaper Headlines


1.... "Overeating main cause of obesity"
2.... "Dog kills cat, self"
3.... "Two ships collide. One dead"
4.... "Found -- the gene that causes belief in genetic determinism"
5.... "A congressionally-funded study has determined that many smokers are
ignoring the warning labels on cigarette packages."
6.... "Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted"
7.... "Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents"
8.... "Eye Drops Off Shelf"
9.... "Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax"
10.... "Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures"

Top Ten best condoms


10.....Nike condom: Just do it.
9.....Toyota condom: Oh what a feeling.
8.....Diet Pepsi Condom: You got the right one, baby.
7.....Pringles condom: Once you pop, you can't stop.
6.....Mentos condom: The freshmaker.
5.....Flintstones Vitamins condom: Ten million strong and growing.
4.....Secret condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced 3.....for a woman.
2.....Macintosh condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
1.....Ford condoms: The best never rest.
MORE GOOD ONES..
Chevy condoms: Like a rock.
Dial condom: Aren't you glad you use it?
Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto condom: Cause hey- you never know.
California Lotto condom: Who's next?
Avis condom: Trying harder than ever.
KFC condom: Finger-licking good.
Coca-cola condom: Always the real thing.
Lays condom: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's condom: Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric condom: We bring good things to life.
AT&T condom: Reach out and touch someone.
Bounty condom: The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft condom: Where do you want to go today?
Energizer condom: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: Melts in your mouth not in your hand.
Taco Bell condom: Get some; make a run for the border.
MCI condom: For friends and family.
Doublemint condom: Double your pleasure, double your fun.
The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines Travel Pack condom: Delta is ready when you are.
United Airlines Travel pack condom: Fly United.
The Star Trek condom: To boldly go where no man has gone before.

Top Ten things A Man Would Never Say


10..... I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
9..... While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8..... I think hairy butts are realy sexy.
7..... Her tits are just too big.
6..... Sometimes I just want to be held.
5..... That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
4..... Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.
3..... We haven't been to the mall in ages. Let's go shopping and I can hold your
purse.
2....Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
1..... I think we're lost. We'd better pull over and ask for directions.

Top Ten things A Woman Would Never Say


10..... Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9..... Go ahead and leave the seat up. It's easier for me to douche that way.
8..... I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7..... Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6..... Please don't throw that old T-shirt away. The holes in the armpit are just
too cute!
5..... This diamond is way too big!
4..... I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow!
3..... Wow, it really is 14 inches!!
2..... Does this make my butt look too small?
1..... I'm wrong. You must be right again.

Your Dumped

Today�s date
His Name
His house No, & Street
His town
His County
His postcode

Dear ____ ______,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as
Mr. Right.

As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of
well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I
will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. Come on,
you know the terms of the restraining order, you can�t contact me again

So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please
allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the
competition. (Check all those that apply)...

# Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or
subjecting my children to it.

Uh, okay, but don�t worry, you were never a candidate to get it � ever hear of
CASUAL sex??

# Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself
yelling out in a fit of passion.

Yet oddly (if the toilet wall is anything to go by) loads of guys have yelled
yours � ONCE and only once, anyway

# The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little
lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

Hey, that was the only thing you ever did that left my pants tighter

# You failed the 2 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 2 questions about yourself
before you asked me more than one about myself.

Er, maybe if you HAD a life ~ of some sort?

# Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!

It was my lawyer, saying respect the restraining order!

# Your legs are skinnier than mine.

EVERYONE�S legs are skinnier than yours!

# You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up
repeatedly in the playground, You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck
condition from trying to kiss you.

And they say you can�t make your mind up!

# I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.


Maybe if you had a decent job, and could afford a new car�or breakdown cover?

# The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness
that I fear is unbreakable.

Yeh, key-word MY apartment

# The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

Then stop bloody saying it��.

# You still live with your parents.

No, I�m just hiding my address, as you are a bunny boiler

# Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a
little disconcerting.

They are fancy dress, but I hired them in the hope you get the point � GOODBYE !!

# Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are
some sort of psychotic stalker.

I said, ONCE, my ex-girlfriend could always achieve orgasm, you can�t � could the
problem be you, I mean, I�m not the one shouting I love you DADDY during sex?

# Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-
term partner.

Hey, you do the cooking!

# Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen
to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

I guess that�s the only way you�d EVER increase my inches!

# I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Okay����..Got a periscope?

Sincerely,

if life was fair for guys

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and a 'cheers for the
sex - now f*** off' would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to 29th February so it would only occur in leap
years.

4. On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.

5. The only show opposite 'Monday Night Football' would be 'Monday Night Football
from a Different Camera Angle.'

6. Instead of 'beer-belly,' you'd get 'beer-biceps.'

7. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

8. Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.

9. When the Police pull you over, every smart-aleck answer you responded with
would actually reduce your fine. Example -
Cop: 'You know how fast you were
going?'
You: 'All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.'
Cop: Nice one, that's $20 off.'

10. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

11. Every man would get four, real 'Get Out of Jail Free' cards per year.

12. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

13. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd
appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the ball goes out of play.

14. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to
'I love you.'

15. The funniest guy in the office would get to be the CEO.

16. 'Sorry, but I got wasted last night,' would be an acceptable excuse for
absence and/or poor time keeping.

17. Lifeguards could remove people from beaches for violating the public ugliness
ordinance.

18. Hallmark would make 'Sorry, what was your name again?' cards.

19. Lager would have the same effect as Viagra.

20. 'Fancy a shag' would be the only chat up line in existence and it would work
every time.

21. Everyone would drive at least 70mph and anyone driving under that would be
fined.

22. Dinner break would happen every hour and the boss would hire in strippers and
$2000 a night hookers for the duration of those breaks.

23. Saying 'Let's have a threesome. You, me and your sister' to your
wife/girlfriend would get the response, 'What a great idea!'

24. Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.

25. Everyone would have real a Light Sabre and any disagreements would be settled
by a fight to the death.

26. Vomiting after 20 pints would actually make you more attractive to the
opposite sex.

27. Along with your milk in the morning, the milkman would deliver two Swedish
milk maids.

28. When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd get to slide
down the back of a Brontosaurus just like Fred Flintstone

29. "Yes" would be an acceptable answer to a woman's question of "Does my bum look
big in this?"

For instant stress relief

make your self smile


1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you
can do at a time.
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.

3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

4. When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.

5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.

6. Dance naked in front of your pets.

7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if


nothing is wrong.

8. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.

9. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.

10. Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.

11. Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.

12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.

13. Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife.

14. Pay your electric bill in pennies.

15. Drive to work in reverse.


16. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.

17. Tell you boss to "blow it out your mule" and let him figure it out.

18. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.

19. Polish your car with earwax.

20. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.

21. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.

22. Braid the hairs in each nostril.

23. Write a short story using alphabet soup.

24. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.

25. Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.

Corporate Zodiac

The Corporate Zodiac


Doctor Hitchcock's Corporate Behavior Guide Astrology tells us about you and your
future
simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth.
Demographics
tell us everything you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy and what you
read,
listen to, or even watch on television. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step
further,
simply by your job title, people will have you completely figured out...
MARKETING:
You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to
study
in college, instead concentrating on drinking and socializing, which is pretty
much
what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES:
Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree" you are
also
self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their
money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "focus on the big
picture.
" You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY:
Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to
completely
control everything that happens at your office. Often even YOU don�t understand
what
you are saying, but who can tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the
Earth.

ENGINEERING:
One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety
percent
of all Personal Ads are engineers. Your office is full of self fulfillment books
and
all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets; however, we all know what is really causing
your
"carpal tunnel."

ACCOUNTING:
The only other sign that studied in school you are mostly immune from office
politics.
You are the most feared person in the company. And combined with your extreme
organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are
completely
insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES:
Ironically, given your access to extremely confidential information, you tend to
be the
biggest gossip within the firm. Possibly the only other person that does less work
than
marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a
haircut,
go to lunch, AND mail a letter!

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT:
Catty, Cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your
current
job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to
measure your
worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to
marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your social
circle is a "Middle Manager."

SENIOR MANAGEMENT:
Catty, Cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your
current
job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to
measure your
worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to
marry other "Senior Managers" as everyone in your social
circle is a "Senior Manager."

RECEPTIONIST:
Chic, trendy, and always dressed in the latest fashions, your sense of adventure
in
style knows no boundaries, except your credit card limit. You are ambitious and
often
misunderstood, convinced that an MBA is all you�ll need to advance. You are busy
making
plans... If only all those people would stop calling and bothering you.

EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT:
Classy, refined and well versed in life�s finer things you tend to measure
everything
by price tag. As someone with privileges to the executive wing you avoid contact
with
the worker bees. Able to recite the Company mission statement from memory you
loathe
those who dare call you "secretary." In fact, you�ll set them straight as soon as
you
return from picking up your boss� cat at the Vet.

TELEMARKETING / CUSTOMER SERVICE:


Bright, Cheery, Positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life.

As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room
and a
headset so you could play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for
promotions,
your best bet for advancement is to sleep with your boss.

CONSULTANT:
666

English transaltions for girls and boys

simple guide to basic girls and boys english translation

Girls' English
Yes = No

No = Yes

May-b = No

"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now!

"Do what u want" = You'll pay 4 this later!

We need to talk" = I need to bitch.

"Sure......Go ahead" = I don't want you too.

"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, u stupid moron!

"How much do u love me?" = I did something today your not goin' like me 4.

"Is my butt fat?" = Tell me i'm beautiful.

"You have to learn to communicate!" = Just agree with me.

"Are you listening to me?" = Too late, you're dead!

Guy's English

"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry


"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy

"I'm tired " = I'm tired

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventaully like to have sex with you.

"Can I take you to dinner?" = I'd eventaully like to have sex with you.

"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventaully like to have sex with you.

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventaully like to have sex with you.

"Nice dress" = Nice cleavage.

"You look tensed, let me give you a massage" = I want to fondle you.

"What's wrong? " = What meaningless self inflicted pshychological trauma are you
going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you" = Let's have sex right now.

"I love you too" = Okay i said it we'd better have sex now!

"Let's talk" = I am tryin' to impress you by shown that I'm a deep person and
maybe then you'd like to have sex with me!

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegel 4 you to have sex with other
guys.

50 Fun Ways to fail the exam

50 Fun ways to fail an exam


1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15
minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some
gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the
secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long


answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the
integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's
left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate
your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm
SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk
the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly
say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to
every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are
you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max
level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to


refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this
question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be
creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of
relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the
country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into
very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry
Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam.
Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your
head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as
vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make
one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking.
Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be
taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let
them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of
the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to
another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out,
start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If


it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE.
etc..).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers
completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down
violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the
instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving
after one hour to go drink)

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point


during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why,
tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on
above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put
on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera"
until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the
class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you
belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right
to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say,
"You don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days Of Our
Lives is on!!!"

32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore
the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to
leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the
River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you
could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most
equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life
story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and
shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the
exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious...
like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just
failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with
the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any
question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they
do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you.
Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent


to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs,
anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90
degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are
asked to stop, say, "It helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student
Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on
musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase
"Told you so."

50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"

9 types of girl

Ms. Nice Gal -


"Tickets to the boxing match? Oh darling, you shouldn't have."
Also Known As: What a Girl, Precious, One of the Boys, Doormat

Advantages: Cheerful, Agreeable, Kindly

Disadvantages: May wise up someday.

------------------------------------------------------

2. Old Yeller -
"You spineless good-for-nothing no-talent SOB! Can't you see
you're making me miserable?"

Also Known As: She-Devil, Sourpuss, The Nag, and My Old Lady

Advantages: Pays attention to you.


Disadvantages: Screeches, Throws frying pans

-------------------------------------------------------
3. Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps."

Also Known As: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy

Advantages: Predictable

Disadvantages: Contagious

-------------------------------------------------------
4. The Boss -
"Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut.
Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."

Also Known As: Whip cracker, Sergeant, Ms. Know-it-All, Ball and Chain

Advantages: Often right

Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

-------------------------------------------------------
5. Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied -
"I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, or hair color?"

Also Known As: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey

Advantages: Easily soothed

Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

--------------------------------------------------------
6. Wild Woman - "I've got an idea. Let's get drunk and make love on the front
lawn. I've done it before. It's fun!"

Also Known As: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Unconscious

Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys.

Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

--------------------------------------------------------
7. Huffy -
"I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at"

Also Known As: No Fun, Humorless, Cold Fish, Iceberg, Snarly

Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.

Disadvantages: You will have no friends.

--------------------------------------------------------
8. Woman from Mars -
"I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I
feel about our relationship"

Also Known As: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, Unfathomable

Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud.

--------------------------------------------------------
9. Ms. Dream girl -
"I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius
of a boyfriend. I want to make love to you like a crazed weasel."

Also Known As: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, The One

Advantages: Funny, Intelligent, Uninhibited

Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.

Fun things to do in a public toilet

19 Fun Things to Do In The Public Bathroom Mark as unread

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your
neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence
with a bodily function noise

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot! My glass eye!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a
cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh
relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it


erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while
yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of


toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor.
Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!


14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.
Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your
butt cheeks

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your
"Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to
the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it
so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing
"Born Free."

101 ways to kill yourself

NOTE: THIS IS NOT SERIOUS! IF YOU DO MANAGED TO KILL YOURSELF PLEASE FEEL FREE TO
LET US KNOW WHICH WORKED BEST!

1) try soaking your head in a bucket of ammonia. in 5 minutes, if you are


still alive, repeat as necessary till dead...

2) cut your balls off (if you have them)

3) cut your head off with a razor blade and go into extreme ecstacy

4) drink a gallon of JD with a dab of Nitrogrycerin and jump up and down


vigirously

5) fart in a balloon and light a match

6) eat the stuff between your toes with a teaspoon of pepper and a drop of
vinegar

7) fart in front of the meanest, fattest, teacher while bending over to


pick up the pencil that you mistakenly (yeah, right!) dropped

8) eat shit and die.....

9) try inhaling a fart right out of your own asshole....

10) ***** Ronald Reagan-

11) or his wife.....

12) try to do the running long jump over the Hudson river

13) or maybe try skydiving underwater......

14) try to katch the first nuclear missle headed towards the U.S.A.
15) sit on a pitchfork

16) cement yourself into the Great Wall of China

17) attach yourself to the Good Year Blimp

18) buy a $400 piece of software and then find it up on the AE the next day

19) plug your ass with a cork and stand at the edge of a cliff and fart

20) slide down a banister with a long, fat spike at the end

21) slide down a razor blade

22) ***** a slut that has a pair of scisssors up her *****

23) take a bath with 1 (or 2) fingers in an electrical socket

24) sit on an Exacto knife and spin!

25) cross a highway blindfolded

26) inspect the Space Shuttle's engines during takeoff

27) do whatever your parents say...

28) roll down the Empire State Building's stairway in a sleeping bag

29) sleep late on a Saturday....

30) not seeing that bullet heading straight between your eyes

31) "Hey look! What's that knife in my stomach?"

32) "No, no please don't! Please don't push me off this ----", smack!
splash! gargle... thump.

33) eat that cake that's been sitting in the fridge for 2 months

34) "Hey Jack, eat that colony of green stuff moving across your plate!"

35) Stick a straw in a septic tank and take a sip.

36) try skiing over a tree (or around it, or under it, or into it)

37) try katching a spiked boomerang...

38) try picking your brain via your nose...

39) squeeze yourself into a microwave (and don't forget to turn it on [duh!])

40) listen to E.F. Hutton

41) leap off a 20 story building onto a sharpened steel sewage grating

42) sleep at the bottom of an elevator shaft


43) stick your hand ,or foot if desired, in a food processor

44) get your ear caught in the spokes of your bike while riding down a hill

45) stick your hand in a paper shredder

46) have your car compacted at a junkyard, and give the guy a buck to let you
sleep in it

47) sit on a scorpion

48) get your head caught in a beehive

49) sleep in your washing machine (or dryer for extra fluffyness)

50) loose the only key to your father's brand new Rolls Royce

51) sleigh ride off your roof

52) straddle a 'No Parking' sign

53) drink a gallon of gasoline and have some tabasco sauce

54) fall asleep at the bottom of a garbage incinerator [you know, the shutes
you throw the garbage down if you live in a high rise]

55) skydive into an exploding volcano (if you live through this, contact me
on the Circus BBS 201-592-0456)

56) cement yourself into the middle of a highway

57) volunteer to be a subway brake

58) light a smoke bomb and swallow.!$%&*!^%*#&$*?%!@.?

59) drag yourself along the road, hanging on the back of a Mack truck

60) wait at the bottom of the Empire State Building while your friend drops a
spear off the top, straight through the center of your head (and the rest of
you)

61) glue yourself to the way bottom of an ocean liner [while it's going]...

62) lounge in a pool obNasoline and light that big fat cigar in your mouth

63) climb up the telefone pole and lick the electric wires

64) look in the mirror [ha ha! just kiddin'!]

65) go to Russia

66) slingshot yourself into the Sun [not quite..]

67) put some iodine crystals in a whoopy cushion - sit on it!

68) volunteer to be a nuclear warhead

69) <- eat your girlfriend out when she uses a sulfuric acid douche
70) eat a piece of Uranium

71) lick a scientist's chemical lab table before he cleans up!

72) get your nose caught in an exhaust pipe while the car is running

73) go swimming while wearing Mr.T's heavy jewelery around thy neck

74) run a razor blade down the middle of your face!

75) take a chainsaw, cut your head into thirds

76) get caught on the nose of the Concorde

77) in your science class, turn on all the gas outlets, light a match

78) get drunk and be processed through a doughnut molding factory

79) volunteer to rent out your head as a soccer ball

80) eat your school cafeteria's poison of the day

81) slurp nuclear waste

82) stab yourself in 100 (and 1) places

83) try to swallow a (King) Cobra

84) get your arm caught in the wheel of a train

85) your running 40 m.p.h. - your foot katches onto a bloody sewage grating

- you trip and fall - 40 m.p.h. - on your face!

86) bend both your knees and elbows - backwards! [snap!]

87) ski off a cliff

88) shuv a pipebomb up your ass

89) fart and smell up a crowded elevator [watch the reaction!] - announce
that you let it go - kiss your ass goodbye!

90) cut your circulation off with a giant Band-Aid (tm)

91) mail yourself to the smallest P.O. box in the country

92) pick a fight with Sylvester Stallone

93) try to catch a Roadrunner

94) beat the shit out of yourself [take a spaz!]

95) you take a final relaxing dip in a pool of gasoline - you hang yourself
from a branch of a tree - light the bonfire under you!

96) tie each of your ankles to the bumper of 2 cars and let them back out
in different directions - Slowly!

97) go to your local deli and by mistake put your best hand on the meat
slicer, and of course turn it on - press down firmly as the slices of your hand
fall neatly into the palm of the other hand

98) try writing this G-Phile

99) put it this way - commit suicide!

100) Do all of the above [in order!]

*101*) Try to kill yourself and it will work!

ah the internet

What can I say? Love it or hate it. It is possibly my generation�s greatest


invention. Enabling the world to communicate, share a vast wealth of knowledge and
more importantly giving everyone a chance to download porn. It has be said that is
sure has made the world feel like a much smaller place which for many of us is a
good thing. But let�s face it when ever you get a lot of people in one place.
(virtual or not) There is always going to be one! And when you consider the amount
of people that they let onto this the ultimate time wasting tool, its more like 1
million and 1. You know the people who I�m talking about! The people that only buy
tabloid papers and believe all that they read in them, the ones that watch white
trash TV and think that�s the way it should be, the ones with nothing better to do
then to force the idiotic opinions about things they know nothing about upon
anyone that will listen wither they want to hear it or not. Yes I am talking about
the stupid people. Often but in no way limited to the bastard children of AOL,
hordes of jumped up idiots with attitude, that would never of worked out how to
connect if it wasn�t for the fact it all came in a pretty little box with soft
edges so they wouldn�t hurt themselves, And all of them are freely roaming round
the internet. Generally annoying people with there presence! Attention seeking
whores with nothing better to do then clog up the place with there completely
irrational opinions. Using CAPs all over the place and incomprehensible weird
spelling of common words believing it makes them cool among there little cyber
gang in some strange way.

Need a reason to watch Wimbledon? other then the streaker (nsfw)


Meet one of Russias finest exports. Maria Sharapova : 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / more pix
here

Not that I would only limit the stupid to those with the above traits. Oh no if
only it was that easy, If only somebody would make an idiot indicator or a mental
meter for my pc. Giving me a bunch of sirens and flashing lights go off every time
I come across somebody as who I might want to avoid, and those who should be
stored in a huge box ready to send to give to aliens, when they get bored with
picking up country bumpkins and rednecks. I just watched a programme about people
(no doubt members of the same group as above) who are addicted to ebay. There are
even summer school classes you can go to that will teach you how to use it? What
tha fcuk? Am I the only person that thinks that anybody that needs to waste time
and money to find out how to use ebay has not only just been ripped off but also
deserves to be ripped off some more! These are the breed of people I am talking
about. The people that can�t see beyond there end of the noses, the people that
are probably shouting at the screens right now. Believe me when I am elected
president of the internet, I will make sure that anybody wishing to connect to the
net needs to take a simple IQ and Politeness test, Anybody that fails well
automatically receive there 1months free trail disks 3times a week untill they
crack.

happy birthday Lindsey Lohan, for those that didnt know?


Lindsay is now 18 years old, And this thread is dedicated to her.

Oh and there is new Eliza Dushku (very undertated)

# get all the lastest cd's and dvds without paying for the postage and packing!

games
for all your Euro fans that are still upset, Splatt the ref
fire rubber bands at the people in the office, Rubberband-IT
can you hide the pot noodle and beat the hysterical girlfriend?
just like the old lemmings games, only featuring roadies

# free porn anyone!? (18+)

clips
the most common photocopier problem
take 1, take 2, take the winnebago man home
just a bunch of tv soccer / football commecials
its offical the badgers have invadid kenya (i simply tweak)

# these are the most hellish t-shirts ever made?

others
Oh how many times have I said... Only on Ebay
this had been around for ages, but i still like it! we didnt start the fire
no home should be with out there own dvd rewinder
i have heard it all now, aparently Flip flop can make men impotent
a new toy has been invented in Japan that claims to help you change your dreams
i am sure most of you have head this story, Female teacher charged with underage
sex
some pictures of the UK big brothers newest house mate Becki Seddiki (possibly
NSFW)
Some readables - For instant stress relief / if life was fair for guys
For the 100's links & pics you missed, That either didnt make it Or where just Not
Safe enough!

# Do your self a favour and Stop pop ups and completly cover your tracks!
also helps keep your PC cleaner and faster!! And its free!

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