Header: So, what number are you?

Intro: Your position among your siblings can have an impact on who you are and how you live. Words: 1595 Its called birth order psychology. Pioneered by Albert Adler, a contemporary of Freud and Jung and a firm believer in the first five years of life as central to who we become, its a school of thought that says that where weve come in our sibling line-up sets up a struggle for power, identity and attention that has a lasting impact on our personalities. It influences how open we are to others and new ideas; how conscientiously we apply ourselves to tasks; how extraverted we are; how agreeable and how neurotic (or not). There are good and bad traits in every position, but we can work with the bad bits if we know what they are. And the great thing is, since birth order psychology relies heavily on how we parent each child, we can use this knowledge to grow our kids well too. Subhead: The first child Keyword: Driven When I set goals for myself, I know Im going to get them, says journalist Lucinda Gray, 24. But when it happens, I dont really enjoy my success. I tend to be a bit blas. People often mistake this as arrogance, but its just that Im already moving onto the next goal. Lucinda is the first in a family of four and she is very close to her parents, certain of their unwavering support in her achievements. Its not pressure, she says, but a silent agreement on which she seems to thrive. She fits Adlers firstborn profile to the tee: she is achievement-driven; she enjoys the company of people older than her; her vocabulary is broad and she has no trouble expressing her ideas (since she was around adults for the first few years); she thrives on being centre stage and she enjoys praise preferably verbal and in front of others. According to the theory, these traits were all rooted in Lucindas first years before her younger sibling came along when her parents were heavily invested in her as first-timers, applauding and guiding her every step. Very often the first born child is the object of a parent's perhaps anxiety-driven parenting style, says Bruce Bradfield, a clinical psychologist with Dr. Mark Tunbridge, Mia Boon and Associates. As a result, older children are given clear script lines by which to live. As far as the rulebook goes, they seem sorted. They are responsible, cautious with their trust and dependable when its earned but they can be a little domineering. And they have a strong fear of failure. Eldest children typically face their parents high expectations, says child psychologist Sheryl Cohen. Their early dethroning by the next child left an indelible impression: perform, or be outperformed. Not surprisingly, first children can be insanely jealous of anyone who threatens the attention they get from those they love. I am a little green-eyed monster, admits Lucinda. Just thinking about my boyfriend having been in relationships with other women before me makes me very angry. Its not petty jealousy; its something really deep. It could be part of how I love him. Parenting tips: Be aware of your own expectations and learn about what is age-appropriate and what is not, says Sheryl. Sometimes you may have to mourn the loss of not having the child that you hoped to have but this is valuable as it allows you to get to know the child you do have. Subhead: The second or middle child Keyword: Fun I am far more adventurous and emotionally independent than my siblings, says photographer Sandy Coffey, 43, who is the middle child in a family of five. Parents of second or middle children, says Bruce may experience the second-time-round as a simpler process which they can enjoy more authentically, perhaps with less anxiety. As a result, the middle child tends to

develop in a more relaxed space than the eldest child, so their natural personalities can roam more freely. As a result, they are fun-loving, unique and are courageous, creative and adaptable. But, says Sheryl: Second or middle children can feel a little out of place, since there is often a split between mom and dad, when dad relates to the eldest child or children, and mom is taking care of the little ones [or vice versa]. As a result, this position comes with niggling feelings of inferiority that can strike at the oddest times. I was left to my own devices a lot when I was younger, says Sandy. I didnt feel a part of the older or the younger halves so I created my own space. This evolved into something positive later in my life. I can move between age groups easily and relate to most people. Middle children are popular; they love affirmation and affection from others and can direct their actions to getting it. They crave a sense of belonging and have wide networks. But they are social chameleons at a price: they dont like being left out of anything. Parenting tips: Watch your child carefully, says Sheryl. Some characters respond well to the middle position, others dont. Talk to your child about what it feels like to be in the middle and respond accordingly. Subhead: The youngest child Keyword: Quirky I am a charmer, a joker, the one who can coax people into things, says writer Faye Banks. I still find it hard to believe that people dont love me unconditionally! Faye is a laatlammetjie, the youngest of three by ten years. Adler writes that the youngest is the spoiled but happy child the one who is showered with affection but is shouldered with little responsibility, ideally given the freedom to be who they are while enjoying the least serious consequences. As a result youngest children are not afraid to put themselves out there in all that they do, often making their careers intrinsic to who they are. I started writing poetry when I was 10 and it was well received by my family so I kept it up, says Faye, who is just about to publish her second collection <subs: check this is Fiona Zerbst on Facebook>. But the carefree quirkiness can come with a streak of envy for the older siblings who seem to be more successful in the material sense of the word. Since the youngest hates responsibility of any kind, this kind of success is often beyond her. They are the most likely to play up to their role of the baby, turning to their families throughout their lives. I still find it hard to take responsibility, says Faye, even though I lived on my own when I first started working. Emotionally I was still very dependent. I lived overseas for a while, but was happy to come home. Now, Ive taken responsibility for my folks they live with me and my husband because they gave me such a great life! My family is my rock. Parenting tips: The baby in the family will play up to the role, says Sheryl. We need to free the child, understand them and allow them the space to grow up to be who they are. Sidebar: Is birth order linked to IQ? Debate around birth order and intelligence started as early as 1874, with a study by Francis Galton that chronicled the lives of 180 eminent men in science and found that 48% were first born or only sons boys with older sisters were considered firstborns (go figure). In 1977 a study showed classical music composers were mostly firstborns and a 1987 study showed that firstborns dominated Nobel Prize lists. But this century, studies suggest that family size may play more of a role than birth order in intelligence and achievement. Children in smaller families show slightly higher IQ scores in studies it is believed because smaller families mean more parental investment and interaction. In a 2007 study published in Science magazine, psychologists found that the social rank in the family and not the birth order were the determining factor in intelligence, providing support for the family interaction explanation.

So, in the end it is about how much you engage with them, and how well. Sidebar: PS: Some other influences to consider Though birth order does have an impact on our development, says Bruce, dont downplay: 1. The impact of post-partum depression: Although it varies, mothers giving birth to second, third or subsequent children are more likely to experience post-partum depression, says Bruce. When a mothers attachment to any child is disrupted, an insecure attachment pattern can develop. This impacts the childs sense of emotional safety, and her personality. 2. The family system: Alliances between children and their mothers on the one hand, and their fathers on the other, can also impact development, says Bruce. If mom and dad have a poor relationship, the bonds between siblings can be stronger, or they can be set up against one another. This could disrupt the ways in which each sibling develops. 3. Parenting style: Emphasis of the differences between one child and another must be done in a way which honours and respects those differences, rather than in a way which devalues one or other child, says Bruce. If one child achieves at something, acknowledge the unique of the other at the same time. If one child is closer to dad than mom, thats fine too, and should be acknowledged within a secure framework. Encourage children to use their voices, he says. Whether it is the youngest telling the oldest off, [or] the middle child feeling angry with dad because he doesnt spend enough time with him, such feelings deserve expression.