Strap: Relationships Header: Can a separation work?

Intro: You're both going round and round in circles, caught in a pattern of blaming and apologising, hurting and begging forgiveness. Until one of you snaps and walks out, or there's an affair. Before you file for divorce, have you considered a separation? Five months into her separation period from her husband, Lana McKinley sat back in her couch in the living room of her apartment in a leafy part of Killarney, Johannesburg and put on her favourite Celine Dion album. The next day their separation period was due to end: they would either recommit to their marriage, or agree to split. 'Alan would have complained about the music if I'd been at home, because it was too soppy, or he wouldn't have been able hear the television even though he'd been sitting there all day,' she says, smiling as she remembers it ten years later. 'I realised, there in the dark with the tears streaming down my face, that being alone with our three kids was what I wanted. I didn't care how hard it was to manage financially or practically. It was where I was happier, where I was my best.' The next morning she called her therapist, who had suggested the separation after couples therapy seemed to be getting nowhere, and told her she'd made her decision. 'We talked through all the challenges I'd faced and would continue to face, but also how much I'd come into my own while I had been apart from him,' she says. I was ready, I thought, to start having some fun.' When Wahieda Adams' husband Rafiq rang the doorbell of his mother-in-law's house in Ottery, Cape Town it was with a bunch of pure white lilies in his arms - her favourite flowers. They had been separated for four months and it was time to start couples therapy. 'When Rafiq had an affair, I had no choice but to move out,' she says. 'He had wounded me and hurt my pride. My son was eight months old at the time, and I moved back in with my mother. I fitted right back in at home, since I'd only moved out three years previously. We agreed to separate for six months. But he needed to promise not to see this other woman again. It was hard to see him make that break, because it was obvious that he cared for her. I needed to sort my feelings out too.' After six months apart, Wahieda agreed to give Rafiq another chance. The fact that my son was around probably saved us in the end,' she says. After four months, Rafiq agreed to join me in the counselling sessions and I realised that he'd had the affair because of issues that had been unresolved when we were married. It's true that there is always a reason for an affair, but that doesn't make working through the reasons during a separation any easier. Six months later I'd moved back to our home, and we started afresh as far as we could. He was very sweet and courted me like he had in the beginning, and we had a lot of support from his mother, so we could go out and enjoy ourselves on our own. A young mother can get so caught up in a new baby that you can loose sight of the marriage. Sometimes that is enough to make a man stray. Taking a break from each other is always a risk. Statistics suggest that as few as 10% of separations end up in reconciliation - but many therapists still recommend separation, provided it's well managed. 'A separation can work if a relationship is very volatile and the couple is so stuck in a dynamic that

they need to move away to get a perspective,' says counselling psychologist Sonja Snyman. 'Often if youre too close, there's so much hurt and tension that you go round and round. Or when there's been a trauma, like an affair, people project what they are feeling onto the relationship, so it becomes a wastebasket. Of course separation can also happen when you see the relationship has slowly died and divorce is just the next step.' 'A separation can go both ways,' says clinical psychologist Robin Fasser. 'It can lead to reconciliation or divorce and its not necessarily defined at the point of separation. Often it doesnt go the way that couples imagine it to go at all.' But there are certain things that you can control - and must - in order to bring about the outcome that you both deserve: a happy, fulfilled relationship - or the opportunity to say goodbye, knowing you've tried your best to make it work. 'With distance you see the ebbs and flows of the relationship,' says Sonja. 'There's time to reflect, and sift from the fantasy of being rid of the person to having to actually deal with the realities of life on your own. Often with this reality check, you realise you may have to compromise.' 'When something happens in a relationship, like an affair, its better to separate soon afterwards,' says Dr Tanya Robinson, a psychiatric social worker practising in Johannesburg. 'So that things don't get too volatile and you both get caught in a downward spiral.' Most therapists recommend between 3-6 months for a separation period, where both parties go for therapy and work through their issues, either apart or together, depending on the circumstances. 'Its not a time to have a party,' says Dr Robinson. 'Without therapy, you can have patterns of solving problems that you keep repeating,' says Robyn. 'You may start using separation as a way to solve your problems especially if it works and its not reinterpreted in any way. It becomes a potential problem-solution and it shouldnt be. You cant use separation repeatedly as a marriage tool.' SUBHEAD: Set the agenda clearly from the start 'Our contact was quite regular during the separation,' says Wahieda. 'We agreed on once a week visits and later on counselling, as well as calls every Saturday night - this was to ease my fears that he would see this woman again.' 'Its very important to have strict rules,' says Robyn, 'otherwise the person who has proposed the separation feels imposed upon by the other, and a new nucleus of conflict can arise.' In the case of an affair, it's also imperative that the victim is given a chance to ask for reassurance - similar to the Saturday night phone calls that Wahieda and Rafiq agreed upon. 'The fear of cheating needs to be handled through rules witnessed by a facilitator,' says Robyn. 'You must establish whether you want this marriage, not whether you want the affair. Its not a choice between two relationships, but an evaluation of the primary relationship. That needs to be made very clear.' 'But even without an affair its all about reassurance,' says Sonja. 'All of sudden one finds more freedom in a separation... If you agree to meet every Thursday and speak on the phone twice a week, you must keep to that.

Separation is not having a holiday from each other. If one party feels that youre just having a break, its a little worrying. The relationship must be an agenda. Otherwise how are you going to fix it?' Scheduling therapy - either separately or together - is essential to help you manage the process. There are also practical things to be taken care of - financial arrangements to be made, alternative accommodation, and how to handle the children. SUBHEAD: The kids Sonja insists that separation can be positive for children if it's handled correctly. 'In one case I'm working with right now, its made them get a grip on what life might be like should a divorce happen,' she says. 'Children need information on how their lives are going to be after a big change like this. If they understand that there will still be a structure and a decision made at the end of it, that mom and dad will still speak, it makes them feel more secure.' 'If there are children involved, then people will work harder through a separation,' says Dr Robinson. 'A lot of the time separation is a bit of a wakeup call that can create a better situation in the end.' But there must be an end, and you need to be clear about why you are separating and how you will work on the task. Tell your kids at the point of separation, no sooner or later. 'I dont think one should threaten children,' says Sonja. 'What happens then is that either the child starts behaving badly or tries to be super good because they think they can stop it happening.' 'Often people separate to avoid important issues, rather than face them,' says Sonja. 'And once or twice, a person asks for a separation because there's an agenda.' This is where children can get hurt. But remember, she says, 'one should never stay together for the sake of children, because children of divorced families can be resilient'. And with the new Childrens Act, parents have rights and responsibilities to the children that are enforced by law. SUBHEAD: Beware of extended family 'I didn't want to tell my mother too much about our relationship even though it was hard at times not to,' says Wahieda. but the fact that she saw us work it out on our own was really good.' Financial constraints often mean that during a separation one of the couple moves in with family. You need to manage this carefully, says Robyn. 'Your family must know about it and they need to understand whats going on,' she says, 'but you should maintain as much of a boundary around the primary relationship as possible. Try to not discuss matter at all with your extended family, because if you reconcile, then they are left with remnants of ideas that might be destructive.' Instead of talking to them, talk to your therapist or social worker. SUBHEAD: Stick to the time frame Getting back together because you're lonely, or because you're fed up of the workload being a single parent, means you can easily fit into your old dysfunctional pattern - and all your work so far on the relationship will be wasted. So fight the urge and see it out. '[If you get back together too soon], things go back to normal as issues havent been resolved,' says Dr Robinson.

'This creates more problems and could lead to divorce.' 'You must agree on a time frame; sign on it if you have to,' she says. After that set period of time, you must make a decision.' 'It's a choice after all at the end of it,' says Robyn, 'the choice of whether you want to opt into the relationship or not.' SUBHEAD: And when you do make-up, if you do... 'Its a huge adjustment to get back together and have a different relationship,' says Dr Robinson. This means a separation can last for about a year, break-up and make-up all included. Give each other the space that you both need - this will help you avoid slipping into the old obsessive ways. 'You need to get used to being a couple again,' she says, 'but also make the time to do what you enjoyed doing in the period apart.' Be careful of your expectations when you get back together, says Sonja they need to be carefully managed. 'Therapy may increase during the time of adaptation,' she says. SUBHEAD: No regrets 'Some people find it easier to say Im separated than to say Im divorced, even though there is a stigma attached to separation,' says Robyn. 'But in some instances this is the only way for people to see whether the relationship is what they want.' 'A lot of people ask me "when do I know when I can get divorced?", says Dr Robinson. And I say that you know if you're still really unhappy and not fulfilled and youve tried everything. I mean really ask yourself: have you actually tried everything?' Nobody expects you to stay in an unhappy relationship, and separation can be a useful tool to help you be more sure about your decision, whatever it is, further down the line. Separation broke my dependency on Alan, says Lara. It showed me I could do without him, but I needed to make that decision without him around to drag me down or else I might never have done it. 'I won't say we are totally recovered,' says Wahieda, 'as the seed of mistrust is hard to throw away. But at least when I get angry or afraid, we both know where it's coming from, and how to confront it. That's what our separation taught us - that there are ways to be objective in a marriage.'