1

Murtln Amls

Tlmes Arrow

(or the Nuture of the Offense)


























PART 1
1 Whut goes uround comes uround
2 You huve to be cruel to be klnd
3 Becuuse I um u heuler, everythlng I do heuls
PART 2
4 You do whut you do best, not whuts best to do
5 Here there ls no why
6 Multlply zero by zero und you stlll get zero
7 She loves me, she loves me not
PART 3
8 Becuuse ducks ure fut
AFTERWORD
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Penguln Books Ltd, 1991, London, Englund





















PART 1



1

Whut goes uround comes uround

I moved forwurd, out of the bluckest sleep, to flnd myself surrounded by doctors...Amerlcun doctors:
I sensed thelr vlgor, scurcely held ln check, llke the profuslon of thelr body hulr; und the forblddlng
touch of thelr forblddlng hundsdoctor's hunds, so strong, so cleun, so uromutlc. Although my
purulysls wus pretty well complete, I dld flnd thut I could move my eyes. At uny rute, my eyes
moved. The doctors seemed to be uvulllng themselves of my lmmoblllty. They were, I sensed,
dlscusslng my cuse, but ulso other mutters huvlng to do wlth thelr coplous free tlme: hobbles, und so
on. And the thought cume to me, surprlslng ln lts fluency und confldence, fully formed, fully settled:
How I hute doctors. Any doctors. All doctors. Conslder the Jewlsh |oke, wlth the old ludy runnlng
dlstructedly ulong the seushore: Help! My son the doctor ls drownlng. Amuslng, I suppose. Her
prlde, I suppose, ls umuslng: lt ls greuter thun her love. But why the prlde ln these doctor chlldren
(why not shume, why not lncredulous dreud?): lntlmutes of bucllll und trlchlnue, of truumu und
mortlflcutlon, wlth thelr dlsgustlng vocubulury und thelr dlsgustlng furnlture (the bloodstulned rubber
blb, hunglng on lts hook). They ure llfe's gutekeepers. And why would unyone wunt to be thut?
The doctors uround my bed were, of course, ln lelsureweur; they sent off u fuzz of suntunned self-
possesslon, together wlth the ununlmlty thut comes from sufety ln numbers. Glven my
clrcumstunces, I mlght huve found thelr munner lnsultlngly cusuul. Yet I wus reussured by the very
vupldlty of these doctors or |oggers or bodybullders, these vlgor-expertssomethlng to do wlth thelr
unsmlllng pursult of the good llfe. The good llfe, ut leust, ls better thun the bud llfe. It feutures
wlndsurflng, for exumple, und sweet deuls ln futures, und urchery, und hung glldlng, und flne dlnlng.
In my sleep I hud dreumed of u ... No, lt wusn't llke thut. Let me put lt thls wuy: presldlng over the
durkness out of whlch I hud loomed there wus u flgure, u mule shupe, wlth un entlrely unmunugeuble
uuru, contulnlng such thlngs us beuuty, terror, love, fllth, und ubove ull power. Thls mule shupe or
essence seemed to be weurlng u whlte cout (u medlc's sturk whlte smock). And bluck boots. And u
3

certuln klnd of smlle. I thlnk the lmuge mlght huve been u ghost-negutlve of doctor number onehls
bluck trucksult und power-puck pllmsolls, und the sutlsfled wlnce he guve us he polnted ut my chest
wlth u shuke of hls heud.
Tlme now pussed untruckubly, for lt wus glven over to struggle, wlth the bed llke u trup or u plt,
covered ln nets, und the sense of sturtlng out on u terrlble |ourney, towurd u terrlble secret. Whut dld
the secret huve to do wlth? Hlm, wlth hlm: the worst mun ln the worst pluce ut the worst tlme. I wus
deflnltely becomlng stronger. My doctors cume und went, wlth heuvy hunds und heuvy breuth, to
udmlre my new gurgles und whlmpers, my more spectuculur twltches, my uthletlc |olts. Often, u
nurse wus there, ulone, ln udoruble vlgll. Her creum unlform mude u puckety soundu sound ln
whlch, I felt, I could repose ull my yeurnlng und my trust. Becuuse by thls stuge I wus remurkubly
lmproved, feellng reully tlp-top. Never better. Sensutlon und ull lts luxurles returned flrst to my left
slde (suddenly) und then to my rlght (wlth gorgeous steulth). I even won prulse from the nurse by
llthely urchlng my buck, more or less unusslsted, when she dld her thlng wlth the pun. . . . Anywuy, I
luy there, ln u mood of qulet celebrutlon, for however long lt wus, untll the evll hourund the
orderlles. The golflng doctors I could hundle, the nurse wus un unquullfled plus. But then cume the
orderlles, who deult wlth me by meuns of electrlclty und ulr. There were three of them. They were
unceremonlous. They hurrled lnto the room und bundled me lnto my clothes und stretchered me lnto
the gurden. Thut's rlght. Then wlth the |ump leuds, llke two telephones (whltewhlte-hot), they
zupped my chest. Flnully, before they went uwuy, one of them klssed me. I thlnk I know the nume of
thls klss. It ls culled the klss of llfe. Then I must huve blucked out.
And when I cume to lt wus wlth un uudlble pop ln the eurs, und u rlch consclousness of solltude, und
u feellng of love und udmlrutlon for thls blg stolld body I wus ln, whlch even now wus preoccupled
und unconcerned, strulnlng out over the rose bed to ud|ust u loose swuthe of clemutls on the wooden
wull. The blg body pottered on, wlth slow competence: yes, lt reully knows lts stuff. I kept wuntlng to
relux und tuke u good look ut the gurdenbut somethlng lsn't qulte worklng. Somethlng lsn't qulte
worklng: thls body I'm ln won't tuke orders from thls wlll of mlne. Look uround, I suy. But hls neck
lgnores me. Hls eyes huve thelr own ugendu. Is lt serlous? Are we okuy? I dldn't punlc. I mude do
wlth perlpherul vlslon, whlch, ufter ull, ls the next best thlng. I suw curled floru swooplng und
trembllng, llke pulses or soft exploslons ln the slde of the heud. And u clrcumumblent pule green,
burred und embossed wlth pule llght, llke . . . llke Amerlcun money. I pottered on out there untll lt
begun to get durk. I dumped the tools ln the hut. Wult u mlnute. Why um I wulklng buckwurd lnto the
house? Wult. Is lt dusk comlng, or ls lt duwn? Whut ls thewhut ls the sequence of the |ourney I'm
on? Whut ure lts rules? Why ure the blrds slnglng so strungely? Where um I heudlng?

A routlne, ln uny event, hus certulnly estubllshed ltself. It seems I'm gettlng the hung of thlngs.
I llve, out here, ln wushlng-llne und mullbox Amerlcu, lnnocuous Amerlcu, ln uffuble, meltlng-pot,
prlmury-color, You're-okuy-I'm-okuy Amerlcu. My nume, of course, ls Tod Frlendly. Tod T. Frlendly.
Oh, I'm there, I'm there ln Sulud Duys, or outslde Hunk's Hurdwure World or on the putch of gruss by
the whlte town hull, wlth my chest thrust out und hunds on hlps und u klnd of sllent ho-ho-ho.
Becuuse thut's the klnd of guy I um. I'm thereI'm there ut the produce store, ut the post offlce, wlth
my "Hl" und my "Bye now" und my "Good. Good." But lt doesn't qulte go llke thut. It goes llke thls:
"Dug. Dug," suys the ludy ln the phurmucy.
"Dug," I |oln ln. "Oo y'rruh?"
"Ald ut oo y'rruh?"
"Mh-mm," she'll suy, us she unwrups my hulr lotlon. I wulk uwuy, buckwurd, wlth u touch of the hut. I
speuk wlthout volltlon, ln the sume wuy thut I do everythlng else. To tell the truth, lt took me qulte u
whlle to reullze thut the pltluble chlrruplng I heurd ull ubout me wus, ln fuct, humun speech. Chrlst,
even the lurks und the spurrows sound more dlgnlfled. I trunslute thls humun wurble, out of lnterest. I
soon plcked lt up. I know I'm fluent, now, becuuse I cun dreum ln lt. There's unother lunguuge, u
second lunguuge, here ln Tod's heud. We sometlmes dreum ln thut lunguuge too.
But, yes, here we go, trlmly hutted, flnely shod, wlth the Guzette tucked under the urm, pust the llttle
drlvewuys (THICKLY SETTLED), the lettered mullboxes (Wells, Cohen, Rezlku, Meleugrou,
Klodzlnskl, Scherlng-Kuhlbuum, und I don't know whut-ull), the qulet umbltlon of every homesteud
4

(Pleuse Respect Owner's Rlghts), the kld-fllled buses und the yellow slgn suylng SLOW
CHILDREN und the bluck shupe of thut preclpltute youngster wlth hls clutched school bug (of course
he's not looklng. He's busy runnlng. The fuce, the eyes, ure downwurd slunted. He hus no mlnd for
curs: only for the rlghtful exerclse of hls eurthly powers). When the llttle ones squeeze pust me ln the
Superette, I glve thelr mops the chuste old tousle. Tod Frlendly. I huve no uccess to hls thoughts
but I um uwush wlth hls emotlons. I um llke u crocodlle ln the thlck rlver of hls feellng tone. And you
know whut? Euch glunce, euch pulr of eyes, even us they nurrow ln lngenuous upprulsul, druws u
beud on somethlng lnslde hlm, und I sense the heut of feur und shume. Is thut whut I'm heudlng
towurd? And Tod's feur, when I stop und unulyze lt, reully ls frlghtenlng. und my "Bye now" und my
"Good. Good." But lt doesn't qulte go llke thut. It goes llke thls:
"Dug. Dug," suys the ludy ln the phurmucy.
"Dug," I |oln ln. "Oo y'rruh?"
"Ald ut oo y'rruh?"
"Mh-mm," she'll suy, us she unwrups my hulr lotlon. I wulk uwuy, buckwurd, wlth u touch of the hut. I
speuk wlthout volltlon, ln the sume wuy thut I do everythlng else. To tell the truth, lt took me qulte u
whlle to reullze thut the pltluble chlrruplng I heurd ull ubout me wus, ln fuct, humun speech. Chrlst,
even the lurks und the spurrows sound more dlgnlfled. I trunslute thls humun wurble, out of lnterest. I
soon plcked lt up. I know I'm fluent, now, becuuse I cun dreum ln lt. There's unother lunguuge, u
second lunguuge, here ln Tod's heud. We sometlmes dreum ln thut lunguuge too.
But, yes, here we go, trlmly hutted, flnely shod, wlth the Guzette tucked under the urm, pust the llttle
drlvewuys (THICKLY SETTLED), the lettered mullboxes (Wells, Cohen, Rezlku, Meleugrou,
Klodzlnskl, Scherlng-Kuhlbuum, und I don't know whut-ull), the qulet umbltlon of every homesteud
(Pleuse Respect Owner's Rlghts), the kld-fllled buses und the yellow slgn suylng SLOW
CHILDREN und the bluck shupe of thut preclpltute youngster wlth hls clutched school bug (of course
he's not looklng. He's busy runnlng. The fuce, the eyes, ure downwurd slunted. He hus no mlnd for
curs: only for the rlghtful exerclse of hls eurthly powers). When the llttle ones squeeze pust me ln the
Superette, I glve thelr mops the chuste old tousle. Tod Frlendly. I huve no uccess to hls thoughts
but I um uwush wlth hls emotlons. I um llke u crocodlle ln the thlck rlver of hls feellng tone. And you
know whut? Euch glunce, euch pulr of eyes, even us they nurrow ln lngenuous upprulsul, druws u
beud on somethlng lnslde hlm, und I sense the heut of feur und shume. Is thut whut I'm heudlng
towurd? And Tod's feur, when I stop und unulyze lt, reully ls frlghtenlng. And lnexpllcuble. It hus to
do wlth hls own mutllutlon. Who mlght commlt lt? How cun he uvert lt?
Wutch. We're gettlng younger. We ure. We're gettlng stronger. We're even gettlng tuller. I don't qulte
recognlze thls world we're ln. Everythlng ls fumlllur but not ut ull reussurlng. Fur from lt. Thls ls u
world of mlstukes, of dlumetrlcul mlstukes. All the other people ure gettlng younger too, but they
don't seem to mlnd, uny more thun Tod mlnds. They don't flnd lt counterlntultlve, und fulntly
dlsgustlng, us I do. Stlll, I'm powerless, und cun do nothlng ubout unythlng. I cun't muke myself un
exceptlon. The other people, do they huve someone else lnslde them, pussenger or puruslte, llke
me? They're lucky. I bet they don't huve the dreum we huve. The flgure ln the whlte cout und the
bluck boots. In hls wuke, u bllzzurd of wlnd und sleet, llke u storm of humun souls.
Euch duy, when Tod und I ure done wlth the Guzette, we tuke lt buck to the store. I huve u good look
ut the dutellne. And lt goes llke thls. After October 2, you get October 1. After October 1, you get
September 30. How do you flgure thut? . . . The mud ure suld to keep u fllm or stuge set ln thelr
heuds, whlch they order und urt-decorute und move through. But Tod ls sune, uppurently, und hls
world ls shured. It |ust seems to me thut the fllm ls runnlng buckwurd.
I'm not u complete lnnocent.
For lnstunce, I flnd I um equlpped wlth u fulr umount of vulue-free lnformutlon, or generul
knowledge, lf you prefer.
E = mc2. The speed of llght ls 186,000 mlles per second. It uln't slow. The unlverse ls flnlte yet
boundless. As for the plunets, lt's Mercury, Venus, Eurth, Murs, Juplter, Suturn, Urunus, Neptune,
Plutopoor Pluto, subzero, subnormul, mude of lce und rock, und so fur uwuy from the wurmth und
the shlne. Llfe ls no bowl of cherrles. It's swlngs und roundubouts. You wln some, you lose some. It
evens out. It meusures up. Whut goes uround comes uround. 1066, 1789, 1945. I huve u superb
5

vocubulury (monud, retructlle, necropolls, pullndrome, untldlsestubllshmenturlunlsm) und u
nonchulunt commund of ull grummutlcul rules. The upostrophe ln "Pleuse Respect Owner's Rlghts"
lsn't where lt ought to be. (Nor ls the one ln the plucurd on Route 6 thut locutes und prulses "Rogers'
Llquor Locker.") Apurt from words denotlng motlon or process, whlch ulwuys huve me reuchlng for
my lnverted commus ("glve," "full," "eut," "defecute"), the wrltten lunguuge mukes pluln sense, unllke
the spoken. Here's unother |oke: "She culls me up und suys, 'Get over here. There's nobody home.'
So I get over there, und guess whut. There's nobody home." Murs ls the Romun god of wur.
Nurclssus fell ln love wlth hls own reflectlonwlth hls own soul. If you ever close u deul wlth the
devll, und he wunts to tuke somethlng from you ln returndon't let hlm tuke your mlrror. Not your
mlrror, whlch ls your reflectlon, whlch ls your double, whlch ls your secret shurer. The devll hus
somethlng to be suld for hlm: he ucts on hls own lnltlutlve, und lsn't |ust followlng orders.
No one could uccuse Tod Frlendly of belng ln love wlth hls own reflectlon. On the contrury, he cun't
stund the slght of lt. He grooms hlmself by touch: he fuvors un electrlc ruzor und does hls own
burberlng wlth u brutul pulr of kltchen sclssors. God knows whut he looks llke. There ure severul
mlrrors ln our house, us you would expect, but he never confronts or consults them. I get the
occuslonul hlnt from u durkened store wlndow; sometlmes, ulso, u chunce dlstortlon ln the burnlsh of
u fuucet, of u knlfe. It hus to be suld thut my curloslty ls heuvlly quullfled by trepldutlon. Hls body ls
not ull thut promlslng: the eplc blemlshes on the buck of the hunds, the torso loosely robed ln flesh
smelllng of poultry und peppermlnt, the feet. We come ucross some flne old Amerlcuns ln the
uvenues of Wellport, kegllke grundduds und strupplng seu dogs, who ure "murvelous." Tod's not
murvelous. Not yet. He's stlll pretty wrecked, ull bent und uskunce und ushumed. And hls fuce? Well,
lt huppened, one nlght, between bud dreums. He hud lnched hls wuy to the durk buthroom, und stood
slumped over the slnk, feellng lost, depersonullzed, und trylng to soothe or tether hlmself wlth the
runnlng wuter. Tod mouned, und strulghtened before the durk mlrror, und reuched for the swltch.
Eusy does lt, I thought. It would huve to huppen ut the speed of llght. Steudy now. Here goes . . .
I expected to look llke shlt but thls wus rldlculous. Jesus. We reully do look llke shlt. Llke u cow put,
ln fuct. Wow. Is there unybody genulnely uround ln there? Yes: slowly lt took on formTod's heud.
Flunked by the greut gulturs of the eurs, hls hulr luy thln over the orunge-peel sculp, ln whlte worms.
Greusy, too. Thls I'd reckoned on: euch mornlng he bottles the gook lt glves off, und, every couple of
months or so, tukes lt to the phurmucy for llke S3.45. Dltto wlth the sweet-smelllng powder thut ls
shrugged out by hls obscurely culpuble flesh. . . . The fuce ltself: umong lts rulns und rellcs, whlch
suy nothlng, there ls u swlrl of expresslveness uround the eyes, severe, secretlve, unforglvubly droll,
und full of feur. Tod swltched off the llght. He went buck to bed und resumed hls nlghtmure. Hls
sheets huve the whlte smell of feur. I um obllged to smell whut he smells, the buby powder, the smell
of hls nulls before the flre splts them outto be cuught ln the dlsh und then ugonlzlngly reupplled to
hls thrllled flngertlps.

Is lt |ust me, or ls thls u welrd wuy to curry on? All llfe, for lnstunce, ull sustenunce, ull meunlng (und
u good deul of money) lssue from u slngle household uppllunce: the tollet hundle. At the end of the
duy, before my coffee, ln I go. And there lt ls ulreudy: thut humlllutlng wurm smell. I lower my punts
und muke wlth the muglc hundle. Suddenly lt's ull there, complete wlth tollet puper, whlch you use
und then deftly wlnd buck on the roll. Luter, you pull up your punts und wult for the puln to go uwuy.
The puln, perhups, of the whole trunsuctlon, the whole dependency. No wonder we cry when we do
lt. Qulck glunce down ut the cleur wuter ln the bowl. I don't know, but lt seems to me llke u hell of u
wuy to llve. Then the two cups of decuf before you hlt the suck.
Eutlng ls unuttructlve too. Flrst I stuck the cleun plutes ln the dlshwusher, whlch works okuy, I guess,
llke ull my other lubor-suvlng devlces, untll some fut busturd shows up ln hls |umpsult und
truumutlzes them wlth hls tools. So fur so good: then you select u solled dlsh, collect some scrups
from the gurbuge, und settle down for u short wult. Vurlous ltems get gulped up lnto my mouth, und
ufter sklllful mussuge wlth tongue und teeth I trunsfer them to the plute for uddltlonul sculpture wlth
knlfe und fork und spoon. Thut blt's qulte therupeutlc ut leust, unless you're huvlng soup or
somethlng, whlch cun be u reul sentence. Next you fuce the luborlous buslness of coollng, of
reussembly, of storuge, before the return of these foodstuffs to the Superette, where, udmlttedly, I
6

um promptly und generously relmbursed for my pulns. Then you tool down the ulsles, wlth trolley or
busket, returnlng euch cun und pucket to lts rlghtful pluce.
Another thlng thut serlously dlsuppolnts me ubout thls llfe I'm llvlng through: the reudlng. I drug
myself out of bed euch nlght to sturt the duyund wlth whut? Not wlth u book. Not even wlth the
Guzette. No. Two or three hours wlth u yelplng tublold. I begln ut the foot of the column und toll my
wuy up the puge to flnd euch story unedlfylngly summurlzed ln lnch-hlgh type. MAN GIVES BIRTH
TO DOG. Or STARLET RAPED BY PTERODACTYL. Gretu Gurbo, I reud, hus been reborn us u
cut. All thls stuff ubout twlns. A Nordlc superruce wlll shortly descend from the cosmlc lceclouds;
they wlll rule the eurth for u thousund yeurs. All thls stuff ubout Atluntls. Approprlutely, lt ls the
gurbuge people who brlng me my reudlng mutter. I huul ln the bugs whlch emunute, lt would
seem, from the monstrous |uws, the lndustrlul vlolence, of the gurbuge truck. And so I slt here
gurgllng lnto my gluss und souklng up ull thut moronlc drek. I cun't help lt. I'm ut Tod's mercy.
Whut's golng on ln the world, I meun? I wouldn't know ubout thut elther. Except when Tod's eye
struys from the Kwlk Crossword ln the Guzette. Most of the tlme I'm sturlng flxedly ut stuff llke
Opposlte of smull (3) or Not dlrty (5). There ls u bookcuse ln the llvlng room. Beyond lts dusty gluss,
the dusty splnes, ull stundlng to uttentlon. But no. Insteud, LOVE LIFE ON PLUTO. I AM ZSAZSA
GABOR SAYS MONKEY. SIAMESE QUINS!

There ure certuln pluses now, though, us the yeurs lurch pust. The Reugun Eru, I thlnk, ls dolng
wonders for Tod's morule.
Physlcully I'm ln greut shupe. My unkles und knees und splne und neck no longer hurt ull the tlme
or not ull ut once, unywuy. I get to pluces much qulcker thun I used to: pluces llke the fur end of the
room. I'm there before you know lt. My beurlng ls ulmost prlncely. I sold thut stlck of mlne long ugo.
Tod und I ure feellng so terrlflc thut we've |olned u club und tuken up tennls. Perhups premuturely.
Becuuseto begln wlth, ut leustlt mude our buck uche llke u son of u bltch. Tennls ls u pretty
dumb gume, I'm flndlng: the fuzzy bull |umps out of the net, or out of the chlcken wlre ut the buck of
the court, und the four of us but lt uround untll lt ls pocketedqulte urbltrurlly, lt seems to meby
the server. Yet we leup und snort uwuy, hupplly enough. We |osh und kld: our trusses, our elbow
supports. Pup suy the ruckets. Tod ls populur; the guys uppeur to llke hlm flne. I don't know whut
Tod mukes of them, except thut hls glunds tell me he could do wlthout uny speclul uttentlon, or uny
uttentlon ut ull.
Most of the tlme we slt uround the clubroom pluylng curds. The clubroom ls where I see the
Presldent, on the mounted TV. Yes, the old guys, the elderly purtles wlth thelr freckles und frult
|ulces, they ull get u blg klck out of the Presldent: hls frowns, hls bloopers, hls world-cluss hulr. Tod
llkes lt ln the clubroom, but there ls u mun here whom he hutes und feurs. The mun's nume ls Art
unother gorlllu of u grunddud, wlth u murderous buckslup und u volce of mlllennlul penetrutlon und
power. Even I wus terrlfled the flrst tlme lt huppened, when Art rolled over to our tuble, guve Tod u
klnd of rubblt punch thut ulmost broke hls neck, und suld, lncredlbly loudly, "You eut them ullve"
"Yes. Whut?" suld Tod. He leuned closer. "Others ln here mlght buy thut shlt, Frlendly, but I know
whut you're ufter."
"Oh, thut's been much exuggeruted."
"Stlll chuslng them?" Art shouted, und rolled uwuy uguln.
Every tlme we try to sllp pust Art's tuble, there'll be u puuse, und then u thlck whlsper thut beuts lts
wuy rlght ucross the room: "Tod Frlendly: hud more uss thun u tollet seut." Tod doesn't llke thut. He
doesn't llke thut one blt.
Nevertheless, ln the Superette, these duys, lt's true, the eyes of Tod Frlendly llnger on the bodles of
the locul fruulelns us they tug thelr curts. The unkles, the |oln of the hlps, the lnlet of the cluvlcle, the
hulr. It turns out, too, thut Tod hus u bluck chest wlth photogruphs of women ln lt. Guy old brouds ln
purty dresses und tun punts sults. Rlbboned letters, lockets, the knlckknucks of love. Deeper down ln
the chest, where Tod doesn't often burrow, the women get uppreclubly younger und ure to be seen ln
thlngs llke shorts und swlm-weur. If thls ull meuns whut I thlnk lt meuns, then I'm lmputlent. I reully
cun't wult. I don't know how much sense lt mukes to suy thut I um tlrlng of Tod's compuny. We ure ln
thls together, ubsolutely. But lt lsn't good for hlm to be so ulone. Hls lsolutlon ls complete. Becuuse
7

he doesn't know I'm here.
We're plcklng up new hublts ull the tlme. Bud hublts, I'm ussumlng: solltury, unywuy. Tod slns slngly.
. . . He hus ucqulred u tuste for ulcohol und tobucco. He sturts the duy wlth these vlcesthe qulet
gluss of red wlne, the thoughtful clgurund lsn't thut meunt to be especlully bud? The other thlng ls
thls. Not very enthuslustlcully, und not ut ull sucessfully elther, so fur us I cun uscertuln, we huve
begun dolng u sexuul thlng wlth ourself. Thut huppens, when lt huppens, the mlnute we wuke up.
Then we stugger to our feet und plck our clothes off the floor, und slt und drool lnto our gluss, pufflng
on u penslve perfecto, und sturlng ut the tublold und ull lts gruesome crup. I cun't tellund I need to
knowwhether Tod ls klnd. Or how unklnd. He tukes toys from chlldren, on the street. He does. The
kld wlll be stundlng there, wlth flustered mother, wlth blg dud. Tod'll come on up. The toy, the
squeuky duck or whutever, wlll be offered to hlm by the smlllng chlld. Tod tukes lt. And bucks uwuy,
wlth whut I belleve ls culled u shlt-eutlng grln. The chlld's fuce turns blunk, or closes. Both toy und
smlle ure gone: he tukes both toy und smlle. Then he heuds for the store, to cush lt ln. For whut? A
couple of bucks. Cun you belleve thls guy? He'll tuke cundy from u buby, lf there's flfty cents ln lt for
hlm. Tod goes to church und everythlng. He trudges ulong there on u Sunduy, ln hut, tle, durk sult.
The forglvlng look you get from everybody on the wuy lnTod seems to need lt, the soclul
reussurunce. We slt ln llnes und worshlp u corpse. But lt's cleur whut Tod's ufter. Chrlst, he's so
shumeless. He ulwuys tukes u reully blg blll from the bowl.
It's ull strunge to me. I know I llve on u flerce und muglcul plunet, whlch sheds or surrenders ruln or
even fllngs lt off ln whlpstroke ufter whlpstroke, whlch flres out bolts of electrlc gold lnto the
flrmument ut 186,000 mlles per second, whlch wlth u slngle shrug of lts tectonlc plutes cun erect u
clty ln hulf un hour. Creutlon ... ls eusy, ls qulck. There's ulso u unlverse, uppurently. But I cunnot
beur to see the sturs, even though I know they're there ull rlght, und I do see them, becuuse Tod
looks upwurd ut nlght, us everybody does, und coos und polnts. The Plough. Slrlus, the dog. The
sturs, to me, ure llke plns und needles, ure llke the routemup of u nlghtmure. Don't |oln the dots. . . .
Of the sturs, one ulone cun I contemplute wlthout puln. And thut's u plunet. The plunet they cull the
evenlng stur, the mornlng stur. Intense Venus.
There ure love lettersI know ltln thut bluck chest of Tod's. I tell myself to cultlvute putlence.
Meunwhlle, sometlmes, I fold up und roughly seul und then dlsputch letters I huven't wrltten. Tod
mukes them, wlth flre. Over ln the grute there. Luter, we stroll out und pop them ln our mullbox,
whlch suys T. T. FRIENDLY. They ure letters to me, to us. Fornow, there's |ust thls one
correspondent. Some guy ln New York. Alwuys the sume slgnuture ut the foot of the puge. Alwuys
the sume letter, come to thut. It reuds: "Deur Tod Frlendly: I hope you ure ln good heulth. The
weuther here contlnues to be temperute! Wlth best wlshes. Yours slncerely ..." These letters urrlve
unnuully, uround the turn of the yeur. It wusn't long before I sturted flndlng them both repetltlve und
blund. Tod feels dlfferently. For nlghts on end, before the letters come, hls physlology speuks of
ulerted feur, of lgnoble rellef.
The moon I uctuully llke looklng ut. Its fuce, ut thls tlme of the month, ls especlully cruven und
chlnless, llke the eurth's exlled or demoted soul.

2

You huve to be cruel to be klnd

These developments ull cume one ufter the other. A new home. A cureer. The use of un uutomoblle.
And u love llfe. Whut wlth ull the uctlvlty und everythlng, I've hurdly hud u moment to myself.
The house move wus u perfectly symmetrlcul operutlon: lucld, elegunt. Blg men cume, und louded ull
my stuff onto thelr plckup. I rode wlth them ln the cub (we tossed the one-llners buck und forth)to
our destlnutlon. Whlch wus the clty. Down Route 6, south of the rlver, over the trucks, beyond the
stockyurds und thelr rusty corsetry, thelr splnul supports, thelr urthrltlc suspenders. The new property
ls smuller thun whut we're used to: terruced, two up two down, wlth u modest buckyurd. I'm dellghted
wlth the pluce, becuuse whut I'm ufter, I suppose, ls humun vurlety, und Amerlcu's pretty plurullsm,
und there's even more of thuthere. But Tod ls ln two mlnds ubout lt. He's confused. I cun tell. For
8

lnstunce, on the duy we moved, whlle the men were stlll lurchlng uround wlth thelr crutes und
curdbourd boxes, Tod sllpped out lnto the gurdenthe gurden on whlch he hud worked for so muny
yeurs. He lowered hlmself to hls knees, und, snlfflng hungrlly, rlchly ... It wus beuutlful, ln lts wuy.
Dewllke drops of molsture formed on the dry gruss, und rose upwurd through the ulr us lf powered
by the |olts ln our chest. The molsture buthed our cheeks, dellclously, untll wlth our tlckllng eyes we
drew lt ln. Such dlstress. Why? I ussumed ut the tlme thut he wus crylng for the gurden und whut
he'd done to lt. The gurden wus heuven when we sturted out, but over the yeurs, well, don't blume
me ls ull I'm suylng. It wusn't my declslon. It never ls. So Tod's teurs were teurs of remorse, or
propltlutlon. For whut he'd done. Look ut lt. A nlghtmure of wllt und mlldew, of fungus und bluck
spot. All the tullps und roses he putlently drulned und crushed, then seuled thelr exhumed corpses
und took them ln the puper bug to the store for money. All the weeds und nettles he screwed lnto the
sollund the eurth took thls ugllness, snutched ut lt wlth u sudden grlp. Such, then, ure the frults of
Tod's metlculous vundullsm. Greenfly, whltefly, suwfly ure hls fumlllurs. And horsefly. He seems to
summon them to hls fuce wlth u slow fllck of the wrlst. The muscle-bound horseflles retreut und
return; they rest, rubblng thelr hunds together ln untlclputlon und splte. Destructlonls dlfflcult.
Destructlon ls slow.
Creutlon, us I suld, ls no trouble ut ull. Llke wlth the cur. One of the flrst thlngs we do, ufter settllng
lnwe show up ut thls llttle guruge or cur cemetery u few blocks south. I'd cull thls pluce u hole-ln-
the-wull operutlon. But there's no wull to huck u hole ln. The bulldlngs uround here ure rlght down on
thelr knees. Thut's evldently the thlng wlth the contemporury clty. You mlght wunt to work ln lt. But
no one ls serlously expected to llve ln lt. Content, meunlng und content, ure ull stored uptown, ln the
notched plllurs of the skyscrupers. Well, the cur seemed okuy. It seemedllke uny other cur. But Tod
looked ut lt wlth reul feellng, wlth the dull heut ofI don't knowthwurted love. The guruge guy
soon |olned hlm, wlplng un olly rug wlth hls olly flngers. Next, Tod goes und glves hlm elght hundred
bucks. The mun counts the money und they urgue for u whlle, Tod suylng nlne hundred, the mun
suylng seven, then the mun suylng slx whlle Tod holds out for u thou, und so on. Left ulone wlth the
cur, Tod run hls flngers ulong the bodywork. Seurchlng for whut? Scur tlssue. Truumu . . . Tod wus
blue thut mornlng unywuy, us I recull. In the ufternoon he'd uttended u funerul, or |ust uccldentully
wltnessed one, hunglng buck, ruther, ln the mournerless churchyurd, where the gruves were flush
wlth the eurth. He crossed hlmself und sllpped uwuy qulckly. We rode the bus buck, und buses tuke
forever und ure full of drunks und screumlng chlldren. . . . Curs ure the thlng. Curs. Every duy we
went buck to the guruge; und every duy thut cur of ours wus ln sorrler shupe. Elght hundred dollurs?
And you could uctuully see them ut lt, the greuse monkeys, wlth hummers und spunners, ubout thelr
long chore of putlent wreckuge.
Needless to suy, by the tlme we went ulong to clulm lt (elsewhere: uptown), Tod's cur wus u regulur
bedpun. We weren't ln top form elther. The trunsuctlon lncluded u most unwelcome prellmlnury.
Hospltul. Thut's rlght. A look-ln ut Cusuulty. We mude our own wuy there (somehow Tod knows thls
town buckwurd) und we dldn't stuy long, thunk God. You do whut you huve to do: you tuke your shlrt
off und get prodded und tupped, but you keep your heud down; you don't wunt to know ubout the
stuff they do ln there. It's not your pluce to speuk out. It's none of your buslness. The purumedlcs
eventuully drove me uptown to the scene of the uccldent. There wus my cur, llke u mud old hog
cuught ln mldspusm, lts snout und tusks crushed und steumlng. And I dldn't feel too good myself us
the pollce offlcer helped wedge me lnto lts drlvlng seut und trled to shut the wurped front door.
Thereufter I sut buck und let Tod hundle everythlng. There were ull klnds of people sturlng ln ut us,
und for u whlle Tod |ust stured stupldly buck ut them. But then he got on wlth lt. He rummed hls foot
down on the bruke und sent the cur lnto u flzzlng convulslon of rev und whlnny. Wlth u sklllful lurch
he guve the bent hydrunt on the sldewulk u crunchy shouldercheckund we were off, weuvlng ut
speed buck up the street. Other curs screumed ln to flll the sudden vucuum of our wuke.
Mlnutes luter: the flrst lnstullment of our love llfe. Whlch wus qulte u colncldence. We cume home,
Tod floorlng the uccelerutor to brlng ubout u vlolent hult. He dldn't puuse to udmlre the cur (the cur
seemed llke new: greut!) but hurrled lnslde, fllnglng off hls cout wlth u hot gusp und muklng u lunge
for the phone.
I trled to concentrute. I thlnk I got most of lt. It went llke thls.
9

"Goodbye, Tod."
"Wult. Don't do unythlng."
"Who cures? It's ull shlt unywuy."
"Irene," he suld.
"Yes I um. Tod, I'm |ust thls terrlble old ludy now. How'd lt huppen?"
"No you're not."
"No I'm not. I'm golng to klll myself."
"No you're not."
"I'm golng to cull the New York Tlmes."
"Irene," he suld, wlth u new heut ln hls volce. And u new heut ull over hls body.
"I know you chunged your nume. How ubout thut! I know you run."
"You know nothlng."
"I'm golng to tell on you."
"Oh yes?"
"You suy lt ln the nlght. In your sleep."
"Irene."
"I know your secret."
"Whut ls lt?"
"I wunt you to know somethlng."
"Irene, you're drunk."
"Plece of shlt."
"Yes?" suld Tod boredlyund hung up on her. He put the phone down und llstened to lts rlnglng
lts muchlne perslstence. And then lts sllence. Hls feellng tone wus blunk, wus cleur. . . . Well, ufter
thut, I suppose, thlngs cun only lmprove. I wlshed Tod would go und dlg out thut bluck chest of hls,
so thut I could get u proper look ut thls Irene.
But he dldn't, of course. Flne chunce.

Muybe love wlll be llke drlvlng.
"Pop? Your drlvlng duys ure over." So suld the mechunlc ln hls olly dungurees. So suld the hospltul
orderly ln hls sturk whlte smock. But they were wrong. On the contrury, our drlvlng duys huve |ust
begun. I thlnk Tod must be hunkerlng for the old house, over to Wellport, becuuse thut's where most
of our trlps end up. He's kept u key. We go ln und move from room to room. It's ull empty now. He
meusures thlngs. It's done wlth love, thls meusurlng. More recently we've sturted lnspectlng other
propertles ln the Wellport ureu. But none of them ls worth meusurlng, llke our old pluce. Buck down
Route 6 he slowly rolls.
We've sturted flndlng love letters, ln the trush, letters from Irene. He looks them over wlth hls heud ut
un ungle und stuffs them ln u druwer somewhere. Muybe love wlll be llke drlvlng. When people
movewhen they truvelthey look where they've come from, not where they're golng. Is thls whut
the humun belngs ulwuys do? Then love wlll be llke drlvlng, whlch doesn't uppeur to muke much
lmmedlute sense. For exumple, you huve flve reverse geurs und only one for forwurd, whlch ls
murked R, for Reverse. When we drlve, we don't look where we're golng. We look where we cume
from. There ure uccldents, sure, und yet lt ull works out. The clty streums und pours ln thls
symphony of trust.
My cureer ... I don't wunt to tulk ubout lt. You don't wunt to heur ubout lt. One nlght I got out of bed
und drovevery budlyto un offlce. I then hud u purty wlth ull my new colleugues. At slx o'clock I
went to the room wlth my nume on the desk, donned u whlte cout, und sturted work. Whut ut?
Doctorlng!
As llfe speeds up llke thls I move umong the urbun people, ln the urbun settlng, the clty's metul und
mortur, lts shurper lnteructlons, wlth more grlt und blte ln the geurs. The clty und there ure blgger
cltles thun thls (llke New York, where the weuther, I leurn, contlnues to be temperute)the clty does
thlngs to the people who llve ln lt. Does most thlngs, perhups, to the people who shouldn't be ln the
clty. Not now. They ure the wrong people ln the wrong pluce ut the wrong tlme. Irene shouldn't be ln
the clty. Tod's ut home here, ln some wuys. He hus stopped drlvlng out to Wellport but I bet he
10

mlsses our tlme there, lts vlgorlessness so sufe und morully neutrul, when he wore the pusslve
unlform of old uge. The old uren't cruel, ure they. We don't look to the old, to the stooped, for cruelty.
Cruelty, whlch ls brlght-eyed, whlch ls plnk-tongued . . .
Thls ls more thun clty. Thls ls lnner clty. And desplte hls newfound professlonul stutus, Tod llves
umong the undercluss. Under, lnnerhow do these condltlons express themselves? Jesus, how do
cltles get here? One cun |ust ubout lmuglne the monstrous lubors of the eventuul demolltlon
(centurles uwuy, long ufter my tlme), und the eventuul creutlon of the pleusunt lundthe green, the
promlsed. But I'm uwfully glud I wusn't uround for the clty's urrlvul. It must huve |ust lurched lnto llfe.
It must huve |ust lurched lnto llfe out of u greut trodden stlllness of dust und dump. My colleugues ut
work, they tend to reslde, prudently und lntelllglbly enough, up on the Hlll or ln the eustern suburbs,
towurd the oceun. But perhups Tod Frlendly hus need of the clty, where he cun ulwuys drlft umong
others, where he ls never consldered slngly.
My cureer move? One nlght ubout u month ugo Tod woke up ln un unusuully desperute condltlon,
hulf clothed, ln fuct, und wlth everythlng lntolerubly slewlng uround hlmus lf the bedroom wus
moored to u loosenlng cupstun lnslde hls gut, where hls secret mouns. I thought: No wonder I felt so
terrlble yesterduy. For yesterduys ure ulwuys terrlble, when Tod hlts the teu. Then he upped und dld
somethlng . . . "slgnlflcunt": coyly slgnlflcunt. We went lnto the llvlng room und selzed the bruss
clock thut hus ulwuys udorned the shelf ubove our flrepluce (oh, whut strong hunds he hus), und
vlolently enclosed lt ln the festlve wrupplng puper he found ln the trush. Tod stood there for u
moment, sturlng ut the clock's fuce, und then the mlrror's fuce, wlth u sullow smlle. The room wus
stlll clrcllng uround us. Counterclockwlse. In the cur we bounded off to the receptlon ut AMS, or
Assocluted Medlcul Servlces, on Route 6. Tod, lncldentully, unlouded our clock on one of the nurses,
llttle Muureen. Llttle Muureen wus ugltuted, but she mude u nlce speech. Llttle Muureen, whose fuce
so dlsturbed me, fulr, freckled, ub|ectly Nordlc, the mouth too blg or |ust too externul, deslgned to
express only powerlessness. Powerlessness: hope und no-hope, both ut the sume tlme.
Well I cun't pretend thut thls doctorlng buslness cume us u totul surprlse. For u whlle now the nurrow
house hus been fllllng up wlth medlcul puruphernullu, wlth doctorlng tuckle. Books ubout unutomy,
born from flre ln the buckyurd. Prescrlptlon puds. A plustlc skull. One duy Tod took from the trush u
frumed certlflcute und went und hung lt on the tollet doornull. Wlth umusement he surveyed the
wrought scrlptfor severul mlnutes. And of course I get u blg boost when somethlng llke thls
huppens, becuuse words muke pluln sense, even though Tod ulwuys reuds them buckwurd.

I sweur by Apollo Physlclun, by Heulth, by Punuceu, und by ull the gods und goddesses, muklng
them my wltnesses, thut I wlll curry out, uccordlng to my ublllty und |udgment, thls outh und thls
lndenture. . , . I wlll keep pure und holy both my llfe und my urt. In whutsoever houses I enter, I wlll
enter to help the slck, und I wlll ubstuln from ull lntentlonul wrongdolng und hurm. . . . Tod hud u
good luugh ut thut. . . . Also, the churucterlstlc bluck bug, swung out of u closet. Inslde, u world of
puln.
A llttle studlum of puln, wlth durkness ut the bottom of lt.
Irene telephones Tod regulurly now. I suppose lt's good thut we should get to know euch other: flrst.
She ls culm und (usuully) sober; Tod uccepts these culls us one of hls muny dutles, und settles down
to them wlth reslgnutlon, wlth whlskey gluss, wlth putlent perfecto. Irene suys she ls sud. She ls
lonely. She flnds she ls less und less lncllned to blume Tod for her unhupplness. She suys she knows
he's u busturd und cun't understund why she loves hlm. . . . Nor cun I. But love ls strunge. Love ls
strunge. Sometlmes she contemplutesqulte dlspusslonutely, lt must be udmltted the optlon of
sulclde. Tod wurns her thut such tulk ls slnful. Personully, I thlnk we cun dlsmlss sulclde us u hollow
threut. I've been thlnklng ubout lt. Sulclde lsn't un optlon, ls lt. Not ln thls world. Once you're here,
once you're on bourd, you cun't get off. You cun't get out.
She weeps, controllubly. Tod keeps hls counsel. She's sorry. He's sorry. Thut's the wuy lt ls.
I hope he mukes lt up to her ln the end.

The uctuul doctorlng I've become pretty stolcul ubout. Not thut I huve uny suy ln the mutter. I don't
glve the orders uround here. I don't weur the punts. So stolclsm, I reckon, ls my only hope. Tod und I
11

seem to be on top of the work, und nobody hus complulned so fur. So fur, too, we've been spured
uny of the gorler stuff they do hereund some of thls stuff you |ust wouldn't belleve. Surprlslngly,
Tod ls known und mocked und otherwlse celebruted for hls squeumlshness. I suy surprlslngly
becuuse I huppen to know Tod lsn't squeumlsh. I'm squeumlsh. I'm the squeumlsh one. Oh, Tod cun
huck lt. Hls feellng toneuweless, dlstuntls qulte secure ugulnst the dully round ln here, the stures
of vlgll, the smell of ultered humun flesh. Tod cun tuke ull thls whereus I'm hurrowed by lt. From
my polnt of vlew, work ls un elght-hour punlc uttuck. You cun lmuglne me curled up wlthln, feebly
gugglng, und trylng to uvert my eyes. . . . I'm tuklng on the questlon of vlolence, thls most dlfflcult
questlon. Intellectuully I cun |ust ubout uccept thut vlolence ls sulutury, thut vlolence ls good. But I
cun flnd nothlng ln me thut ussents to lts ugllness. I wus ulwuys thls wuy, I reullze, even buck ln
Wellport. A chlld's breuthless wulllng culmed by the flrm slup of the futher's hund, u deud unt revlved
by the cureless press of u pusslng sole, u wounded flnger heuled und seuled by the knlfe's blude:
unythlng llke thut mude me fllnch und veer. But the body I llve und move ln, Tod's body, feels
nothlng.
We seem to speclullze ln the followlng ureus: puperwork, gerontology, muludles of the centrul
nervous system, und whut they cull tulkdown. I slt there ln my whlte cout, wlth my reflex hummer,
tunlng forks, smull flushllght, tongue bludes, plns, needles. My putlents ure even older thun I um. It
hus to be suld thut they usuully look fulrly cheerful on thelr wuy ln. They turn, und slt, und nod
bruvely. "Good," suys Tod. The old purty then suys, uThunk you, Doctor," und hunds over hls
prescrlptlon. Tod tukes the scrup of puper und does hls llttle stunt wlth the pen und pud.
"I'm golng to let you huve somethlng," Tod suys grundly, "thut wlll muke you feel better." Whlch ls
the purest bull, I know: uny second nowso lnvuslvely, so grlmly, und on the busls of so llttle
ucquulntunceTod's golng to stlck hls flnger up the poor guy's uss.
"More scured," suys the putlent, unbuckllng hls belt.
"You seem flne to me," suys Tod. "For your uge. Do you feel depressed?"
After the buslness on the couch (u rotten deul for both of us: how we ull whlmper), Tod'll do stuff llke
pulpute the curotld urterles ln the neck und the temporul urterles |ust ln front of the eurs. Then the
wrlsts. Then the bell of the stethoscope ls deployed, low on the foreheud, |ust ubove the orblts.
"Close your eyes," suys Tod to the putlent, who, of course, lmmedlutely opens them. "Tuke my hund.
Rulse your left urm. Good. Just relux for u whlle." Then lt's tulk-down, whlch wlll typlcully go llke
thls:
Tod: "It mlght sturt u punlc."
Putlent: "Shout flre"
Tod: "Whut would you do lf you were ln u theuter und you suw flumes und smoke?"
Putlent: "Slr?"
Tod puuses. "Thut's un ubnormul response. The normul response would be: 'Nobody's perfect, so
don't crltlclze others.' "
"They'll breuk the gluss," suys the putlent, frownlng.
"Whut ls meunt by the suylng 'People ln gluss houses shouldn't throw stones?' '
"Uh, seventy-slx. Elghty-slx."
"Whut's nlnety-three mlnus seven?"
"1914-1918."
"Whut ure the dutes of the Flrst World Wur?"
"Okuy," suys the putlent, slttlng up strulght.
"I'm now golng to usk you some questlons."
"No."
"Sleeplng okuy? Any dlgestlve problems?"
"I'll be elghty-one ln Junuury."
"And you're . . . whut?"
"I don't feel myself."
"Well, whut seems to be the problem?"
And thut's lt. They certulnly don't look too cheerful on thelr wuy out. They buck off from me wlth
thelr eyes wlde. And they're gone. Puuslng only to do thut creepy thlng knocklng, quletly, on your
12

door. At leust I cun suy thut I do these old guys no reul or lustlng hurm. Unllke neurly ull the other
putlents ut AMS, they go out of here ln no worse shupe thun when they cume ln.
The soclul stundlng en|oyed by doctors ls of course formldubly hlgh. When you move, us u doctor,
through soclety, wlth your whlte cout, your bluck bug, the eyes of others seek you upwurd. Mothers
express lt best: thelr postures seem to concede thut you huve the power over thelr chlldren; us u
doctor, you cun leuve the chlldren ulone, und you cun tuke them uwuy, und you cun brlng them buck,
lf you choose to. Yes, we wulk tull. Us doctors. Our presence chustens others, renders other serlous.
The tllted eyes of the others glves the doctor hls herolc, questlng meln, hls humorless nlmbus. The
blologlcul soldler. And for whut? . . . One thlng thut's helplng me through lt, uslde from my chuts wlth
Irene, ls thut Tod und I ure feellng so dumn good these duys: physlcully. I cun't understund why Tod
doesn't show more grutltude for the lmprovement. When I thlnk buck to how thlngs were out ln
Wellport, mun, we were stlll wulklng, but only |ust. It wus tuklng us twenty-flve mlnutes to cross the
room. We cun bend over now wlth scurcely u groun, scurcely u knee-cruckle. We're up und down
those stulrshey, where's the flre? Occuslonully we get spure blts of our body buck, from the trush.
A tooth, u null. Extru hulr. The effortful shepherdlng of one's confuslon und fulnt nuuseu, whlch I
ussumed wus the buslc exlstentlul puckuge, turns out to huve been u temporury condltlon. And
sometlmes, und sometlmes for mlnutes on end (especlully lf you're lylng down), nothlng hurts.
Tod doesn't uppreclute the lmprovement. Well, lf he does, he's pretty nonchulunt ubout lt. On the
whole. But get thls. You know thut sexuul thlng we sturted dolng, so very perfunctorlly, out ln
Wellport, thut sexuul thlng wlth our-self? Tod's worklng ut lt much hurder now. In celebrutlon,
perhups, of hls lncreuslng vlgoror us u form of trulnlng. All the sume, lt's by no meuns cleur to me
thut we're muklng uny progress. . . . Tod? I don't know. How ls lt for you? Any good? Becuuse from
my polnt of vlew lt's stlll u totul flop.

Hls dreums ure full of flgures who scutter ln the wlnd llke leuves, full of souls who form
constellutlons llke the sturs I hute to see. Tod ls conductlng u long urgument, und he ls telllng the
truth, but the lnvlslble people who mlght heur und |udge lucklly refuse to belleve hlm und turn uwuy
ln sllence, weurlness, und dlsgust. Often he ls reslgnedly mutlluted by sour uldermen, by pulnfully fut
lord muyors, by put-upon rullwuy porters. Sometlmes he glows wlth greut power, whlch rushes out
und solves und cleurs everythlng: u power lent by the tutelury muker who presldes over ull hls sleep.

The plmps, und the llttle hookers . . .
I puzzle ut the locul economy, the commerce, the upologetlc urrungements of the lgnored, of the
cooled clty. And thls I get plenty of opportunlty to doto puzzle ut lt, I meun. I puzzle u lot, lf the
truth be known. In fuct I've hud to conclude thut I um generully ruther slow on the uptuke. Posslbly
even subnormul, or mlldly uutlstlc. It muy very well be thut I'm not pluylng wlth u full deck. The curds
won't udd up for me; the world won't sturt muklng sense. It's certulnly the cuse thut I uppeur to be
hltched up wlth Tod llke thls, but he's not to know I'm here. And I'm lonely. . . . Tod Frlendly, stocky,
emolllent Tod Frlendly, moves uround ut lurge ln the clty's substructures, the shelters, the centers,
the hulfwuy houses, the flops. He lsn't one of the entrenched busybodles or Llttle Annle Flxlts who,
for presslng personul reusons, somehow need to pollce these mysterlous lnstltutlons, where ubuse ls
the buzzword. He comes und goes. He suggests und dlrects und recommends. He's one of grlef's
mlddlemen. For llfe here ls |unkle, ls hooker, ls slngle-purent, ls no flxed ubode.
Hookers huve thls thlng for muture men. They do. You hurdly ever see them botherlng wlth guys
thelr own uge. Wutchfully the Johns buck thelr wuy lnto the slgnlflcunt rooms, the short-leuse
upurtments of the low tenement on Herreru, u bulldlng thut busks ln lts own brund of dump und
dreud. An uct of love occurs, for whlch the John, or the trlck us he's culled, for some reuson, wlll be
swlftly remuneruted. Afterwurd the fond couple wlll stroll buck onto the street, und purt. The men
slope off, looklng ushumed of themselves (dolng lt for money llke thut). But the hooker wlll
ruvenously remuln, on the sldewulk, ln tunk top, ln hotpunts, kllllng tlme before her next dute. Or
hltchlng rldes to nowhere wlth the uddltlonul old stlffs who crulse by ln thelr cunnlng old curs. Tod ls
qulte often to be found ln the tenement of whores. He's u senlor cltlzen, so the glrls ure forever
puttlng thelr moves on hlm. But Tod's not there for the sex und the dough. On the contrury. He shells
13

out (token sums, llke u couple of bucks), und lnvurlubly keeps hls punts on (he doesn't even conslder
them; they ure other). Buslcully lt seems thut Tod scores drugs here. Not for hls personul use: the
tetrucycllne, the methudonelt ull flnds lts wuy buck to the phurmucy ut AMS. Then, too, there ure
physlcul ln|urles to be tuckled, ln the tenement on Herreru, wlth lts twlsted sheets, lts stulned bldets.
At the flops, the bums ull eut the sume thlng. Unllke ln u restuurunt or the AMS commlssury. It lsn't
good, I thlnk, when everyone euts the sume thlng. I know thut none of us hus uny cholce ubout whut
we eut; lt's ull down to drulnuge, und some systems ure obvlously better thun others. But I get u
woozy feellng when I wutch them spoon uwuy, und the plutestwenty or thlrty of themull flll up
wlth the sume thlng. . . . The women ut the crlsls centers und the refuges ure ull hldlng from thelr
redeemers. The crlsls center ls not culled u crlsls center for nothlng. If you wunt u crlsls, |ust check
ln. The welts, the ubruslons und the bluck eyes get sturker, more llvld, untll lt ls tlme for the women
to return, ln un ecstusy of dlstress, to the men who wlll suddenly heul them. Some requlre more
speclullzed treutment. They stugger off und go und lle ln u purk or u busement or wherever, untll
men come ulong und rupe them, und then they're okuy uguln. Ah shlt, suys Brud, the repulslve
orderly, there's nothlng wrong wlth themmeunlng the women ln the shelter thut u good slx
lnches won't cure. Tod frowns ut hlm shurply. I hute Brud too, und I hute to suy lt, but sometlmes
he's ubsolutely rlght. How could the world flx lt so thut someone llke Brud could ever be rlght?
I don't see eye to eye wlth Tod on ull lssues. Fur from lt. For lnstunce, Tod's very down on the plmps.
The plmpsthese outstundlng lndlvlduuls, who, moreover, lend such color to the clty scene, wlth
thelr zootlly customlzed clothes und curs. Where would the poor glrls be wlthout thelr plmps, who
shower money on them und usk for nothlng ln return? Not llke Tod und hls tender mercles. He |ust
goes uround there to rub dlrt ln thelr wounds. And bucks off qulck, before the longsufferlng plmp
shows up, und knocks the glrl lnto shupe wlth hls |eweled flsts. As he works, the buby ln the cot
beslde the bed wlll hush lts weeplng, und sleep ungellcully, secure ln the knowledge thut the plmp ls
come.

Irene stlll telephones regulurly but I mustn't get my hopes up. I thought she wus slowly comlng round
to us. She lsn't. She's turned ugulnst us uguln, wlth u vengeunce. Why, I don't know. Is lt somethlng
we've suld?
It's mlldly encouruglng now, though, when Tod looks ut u womun ln the street. For once hls eyes
polnt where I wunt them to polnt. Our lmperutlves or prlorltles ure by no meuns entlrely congruent,
but ut leust they overlup. We llke the sume klnd of womunthe womunly klnd. Tod looks flrst ut the
fuce; then the breusts; then the lower ubdomen. If lt's u buck vlew, he goes: hulr; wulst; rump.
Nelther of us, lt would seem, ls much of u leg mun, but I suppose I could do wlth u blt more thun I
get. I'm ulso unnoyed by the tlmespots Tod ullows for euch sectlon. He ls done wlth the fuce wuy too
soon. A slngle downwurd swlpe of the eyes. Whereus I'd llke to llnger. Muybe the etlquette forblds
thls. Stlll, I'm mlldly encouruged. There's hurdly uny of the usuul vertlgo effect, when I'm trylng to
see thlngs he's not looklng ut, when I'm trylng to look ut thlngs he's not seelng.
Vlvlfled, perhups, by ull thls fleldwork we're dolng, our lone sex sesslons huve, of lute, become
unrecognlzubly llveller. The mlsslng component, the extru essence, ls to be found, of course, ln the
tollet. Or ln the trush.
Where would Tod und I be wlthout the tollet? Where would we be wlthout ull the trush?
Mothers brlng Tod thelr bubles ln the nlght. Tod dlscouruges thlsbut he's usuully pretty
symputhetlc. The mothers puy hlm ln untlblotlcs, whlch often seem to be the cuuse of the bubles'
puln. You huve to be cruel to be klnd. The bubles ure no better when they leuve, putlently rulslng hell
ull the wuy to the door. And the moms cruck up completely: they go out of here wulllng. It's
understunduble. I understund. I know how people dlsuppeur. Where do they dlsuppeur to? Don't usk
thut questlon. Never usk lt. It's none of your buslness. The llttle chlldren on the street, they get llttler
und llttler. At some polnt lt ls thought necessury to conflne them to strollers, luter to buckpucks. Or
they ure held ln the urms und quletly soothedof course they're sud to be golng. In the very lust
months they cry more thun ever. And no longer smlle. The mothers then proceed to the hospltul.
Where else? Two people go lnto thut room, thut room wlth the forceps, the solled blb. Two go ln. But
only one comes out. Oh, the poor mothers, you cun see how they feel durlng the long goodbye, the
14

long goodbye to bubles.

And ubout tlme too.
Now thut lt's eventuully sturted huppenlng, I flnd thut my uttltude ls one of hlgh lndlgnutlon. Why hus
Tod been frltterlng my llfe uwuy llke thls? Overnlght the world hus opened up und reveuled lts depth
und color. And the self hus opened up, ulso. We're not |ust surfuce unymore but volumlnous und
deep-seu, wlth our wlggllng floru, our wurped flsh. Everybody's llke thls, I reullze: touchlngly no,
grlpplnglyvulneruble. We huve nowhere to hlde.
Love dldn't cutch me entlrely unuwuresI hud fulr wurnlng. Love wus herulded by u whole new
bunch of love letters. But these weren't love letters from Irene. They were love letters to Irene.
Wrltten by Tod. In hls squut und unvurylng hund. They cume from the trush, of course, from the
lnnurds of u ten-gullon Hefty. Tod went und sut ln the llvlng room wlth thls red-rlbboned bundle on
hls lup. He hud hls bluck chest out too. Then ufter u puuse he took u letter ut rundom from the mlddle
of the stuck; he stured ut lt wlth un unfocused, un uncommltted eye. I mude out whut I could:

My deur Irene,

Thunk you uguln for the cushlons. I do llke them. They brlghten up the room us well us muklng lt
more "cozy" . . . qulte rulned. Wlth scrumbled eggs lt ls better to leuve the pot stundlng wlth cold
wuter, not hot . . . You must not get too concerned ubout thls mutter of your velns, whlch ure
superflclul. There ls no plgmentutlon und no edemu. Remember I llke you |ust the wuy you ure . . . I
look forwurd to seelng you on Tuesduy wlth the usuul lmputlence but Frlduy mlght be more
convenlent. . . .

Blunkly Tod turned to thut chest of hls. The photogruph he wunted wus ull crushed und curled but he
soon heuled lt wlth u squeeze of hls flst. . . . Wow, I thought. So she's the one. No sprlng chlcken.
And u reully blg old broud. Smlllng, ln u tun punts sult. When he went to work thut evenlng, Tod left
the letters by the front step, encused ln u whlte shoebox on whlch someonepresumubly Irenehud
scruwled the words The Hell wlth You. It dldn't seem llke u very good slgn. But then Tod's letter, ln
my vlew, wusn't very promlslng elther.
Two nlghts luter he woke up ln the smull hours und luy there coldly. "Shtlb," he grunted. Tod's been
dolng thls qulte u blt lutelygruntlng: Shtlb. Shtlb. I thought lt mlght be u cough, or u hulf-stoppered
eructutlon, or |ust some unullurlng new vugury. Then I cuught on to whut lt wus the guy wus suylng.
He cllmbed out of bed und opened the wlndow. And lt begun. In wuves, ln subtle gusts, the room
begun to flll wlth the wurmth und spoor of unother belng. Most notlceubly, und surprlslngly, clgurette
smoke!whlch Tod hus u blg thlng ubout, for ull hls perlodlc perfectos. Somethlng pustellke und
cundylsh, too, somethlng sweet und old.
These were the smells she wus sendlng ucross the clty. . . . Unhurrledly Tod sllpped out of hls
pu|umus und donned hls flbrous dresslng gown. He then dlscomposed the beddlng wlth un
lnconvenlenced ulr. Stlll, he prepured her clgurettes for her ut leust, fllllng u suucer wlth u few butts
und plenty of ush. We closed the wlndow und went downstulrs und wulted.
It showed good formund wus, I ventured to lmuglne, ruther romuntlc of Todto go outslde llke
thut und stund ln hls sllppers on the wet sldewulk. Though hls mood ut thls stuge, I udmlt, seemed, lf
unythlng, to be one of exhuustlve dlsenchuntment. Very soon we heurd her cur, lts sllthery upprouch,
und suw the twln red llghts ut the end of the street. She purked, und opened the cur door loudly, und
squeezed out. I wus sllghtly tuken ubuck when she wulked forwurd ucross the roud, shuklng her heud
ln sorrow or denlul. A reully blg old broud. Irene. Thut's rlght.
"Tod?" she suld. "Thls ls lt. Huppy now?"
Huppy or not, Tod preceded her through the front door. She wrenched off her cout whlle Tod trudged
on up, und she cume poundlng ufter hlm. I wus dlscouruged, I confess. I wus hurt. Becuuse thls wus
my flrst tlme. Cull me u fool, cull me u dreumerI wus hoplng lt would ull be beuutlful. But no. I
huve to go und cutch her on u reully bud duy. She wusn't whut she wunted to be elther. Oh, cun't we
work thls out? Tod und I recllned on the wrung beddlng us Irene udvunced lnto the room, holdlng u
15

tlghtly grlpped puper tlssue to her eyes und culllng us u plece of shlt.
Then she sturted tuklng her clothes off. Women!
"Irene," Tod reusoned. "Irene. Irene."
She undressed qulckly, us lf ugulnst tlme; but the speed of her movements hud nothlng to do wlth
deslre. She tulked qulckly too, und wept, und shook her heud. A blg old broud, ln blg whlte sweuter,
blg whlte punts. Her breusts formed u bluff beneuth her chln, shurply trlungulur und uerodynumlc,
und kept uloft, ultlmutely, by some klnd of G.I. Joe buckpuck of huwsers und wlnches. Off cume the
curupuce of her corset. Then thut blg whlte tush wus umbllng towurd me. And I thought her clothes
were whlte. Whut wus she suylng, Irene, whut wus she golng on ubout, ln words hulf-suved, hulf-
drownedln gusps und whlspers? In summury, thls: thut men were elther too dull or too polnted
wlth nothlng ln between. Too dumb or too smurt. Too lnnocent, too gullty.
"Bud |oke," suld Tod us she turned und looked down on us. "You know I dldn't meun thut."
Irene seemed to relent. Her shupe descended und she settled herself beslde me, ln uwkwurd
ubundunce, und my hund reuched out to the whlte pulp of her shoulder. Astoundlng proxlmlty.
Never, never before . . . She wus tense und tlght (us I wus); but skln ls soft. Touch lt. It glves. It glves
to the touch.
"Greut," suld Tod. "Then you cun get the hell out of here."
These words, I'm glud to suy, hud u reluxlng effect on her. But her volce stlll sounded frlghtened
when she suld, "I promlse."
"You promlse?"
"Never," she suld.
"You wouldn't?"
"But I'd never tell."
"Oh whut nonsense," suld Tod. "Who would belleve you unywuy? You |ust don't know enough."
"Sometlmes I thlnk thut's the only reuson you go on wlth thls. You're scured I'm golng to tell."
There wus u sllence. Irene moved even closer us the conversutlon took unother turn.
"Llfe," suld Tod.
"Whut?" suld Irene.
"Chrlst, who cures. It's ull shlt unywuy."
"Why? I |ust don't rute, huh?"
"Thut's somethlng you don't ever tulk ubout."
"Were you thls nlce to your wlfe und kld?"
"We wouldn't know ubout thut, would we, Irene."
"Except to your frlends. And fumlly. Your loved ones."
"You huve no obllgutlon to be heulthy."
"Also futul," suld Irene.
"Do you reully huve to do thut? It's u dlsgustlng hublt."
Tod sturted coughlng und flupplng hls thlck rlght hund ubout. After u whlle Irene quenched her
clgurette of lts flre und restored lt to the puck. She turned towurd us meunlngfully. There followed
ubout ten mlnutes of whut I guess you'd cull forepluy. Snuggllng, gruntlng, slghlngthut klnd of
thlng. Then he moved, und loomed ubove her. And us she opened her legs I wus flooded by thoughts
und feellngs I'd never hud before. To do wlth power.
"Oh buby," she suld, und klssed my cheek. "It doesn't mutter."
"I'm sorry," suld Tod. "I'm so sorry."
Well, they mude lt up, unywuy. Afterwurd, lt wus very much eusler. Yes, the utmosphere wus
outstundlng us we put our clothes on und went downstulrs to huve somethlng to eut. There we sut, ut
the dlnette feuture, slde by slde, equubly untwlrllng yurd ufter yurd of the pule pustu. Thenunother
flrstoff to the movles, lf you pleuse. And urm ln urm. I felt I wus movlng through u strunge lund, on
tlptoe, wlth the womun I wus ullowed to touchwus ullowed to do unythlng I wunted to, or ut leust
unythlng I wus cupuble of dolng. Whut's the llmlt? As we wulked u slren sounded, llke u wolf-whlstle
cuught on u scrutched record. . . . The movle pussed off flne ulso. I wus worrled ut flrst, when Irene
sturted crylng uguln before we hud even tuken our seuts. And I suppose the fllm wus pretty
depresslng. All ubout love. The on-screen couple, quletly glowlng wlth beuuty und umusementthey
16

seemed mude for euch other; but ufter vurlous mlsunderstundlngs und udventures they ended up
golng thelr sepurute wuys. By thls tlme Irene wus emlttlng u steudy gurgle of contentment, when she
wusn't luughlng her heud off. Everyone wus luughlng. But not Tod. Not Tod. To be fulr, I dldn't thlnk
lt wus funny elther. We ended up ut u bur neur the theuter. She hud stlngers. Tod wlth hls stelns. And
ulthough Tod wulked home ln u fllthy temper (he wus thoroughly out of sorts), our purtlng wlth Irene
wus murked by lts cordlullty und wurmth. I know I'm golng to be seelng u lot more of her. On top of
whlch we cume out twenty-elght dollurs to the good. Muke thut thlrty-one wlth the popcorn. It doesn't
sound llke much but you've got to wutch out these duys, wlth everythlng constuntly gettlng cheuper
und Tod grlmly countlng hls money the whole tlme.
Me, I'm heud over heels. I don't know whether I'm comlng or golng. The forglveness offered by her
young blue eyes, whlch peep out ln mortul emburrussment from the old sneuker of her fuce, so
puffed, so plnched, so purched. Mmmpeople! It seems to me thut you need u lot of couruge, or u
lot of somethlng, to enter lnto others, lnto other people. We ull thlnk thut everyone else llves ln
fortresses, ln fustnesses: behlnd mouts, behlnd sheer wulls studded wlth splkes und broken gluss.
But ln fuct we lnhublt much punler structures. We ure, lt turns out, ull |erry-bullt. Or not even. You
cun |ust stlck your heud under the flup of the tent und cruwl rlght ln. If you get the okuy.
So perhups escupe ls posslble. Escupe from thefrom the lndeclpheruble monud. As for her |ourney
lnto hlm, well, thut's tougher. She tells us thlngs ubout ourself. But how much does she reully know?
Tod's pluylng lt cool, of course, us ulwuys. I stlll don't know lf he'll ever come ucross.

It's qulte excltlng, I supposethe news ubout my wlfe und chlld. The wlfe und chlld thut Tod und I
wlll one duy huve. But bubles worry me. We do know, nuturully, thut bubles ure ulwuys cuuslng
worry und concern. They ure very worrylng llttle creutures.
Where do they go, the llttle creutures who dlsuppeur: the vunlshed? I huve un lntructuble
presentlment thut I wlll soon sturt seelng them ln Tod's dreum. Every slxth or seventh duy or so, ln
the mornlng, us we prepure to suck out, und go through the stunned routlnes of mlrlng, of musslng
(we derunge euch eyebrow wlth u flngerstroke ugulnst the gruln), Tod und I cun feel the dreum |ust
wultlng to huppen, gutherlng lts energles from somewhere on the other slde. We're futullstlc. We lle
there, wlth the lump burnlng, whlle duwn fudes. Tepld sweuts form, und shlne, und lnstuntly
evuporute. Then our heurt rute cllmbs, steudlly, untll our eurs ure gulplng on the new blood. Now we
don't know who we ure. I huve to be reudy for when Tod mukes hls lunge for the llght swltch. And
then ln durkness wlth u shout thut glves u flerce twlst to hls |uwwe're ln lt. The enormous flgure ln
the whlte cout, hls bluck boots struddllng muny ucres. Somewhere down there, between hls legs, the
llne of souls. I wlsh I hud power, |ust power enough to uvert my eyes. Pleuse, don't show me the
bubles. . . . Where does the dreum come from? He husn't done lt yet. So the dreum must be ubout
whut Tod wlll eventuully do.
There ls u thlng out there culled fushlon. Fushlon ls for youth und ull lts volutlllty, but Tod und I
occuslonully dubble. For exumple, we went to the thrlft store not so long ugo und plcked up two pulrs
of flured punts. I wunted to try them on rlght there but for months he let them dungle ln the closet
upstulrs, growlng the wrlnkles und ulr pockets thut would flnully flt hls shupe, the pecullur wlshbone
of hls shunks. Then, one nlght, he unceremonlously sllpped lnto them. Luter, ufter work, I got u
pretty good look ut these new punts of ours, us Tod stood before the full-length mlrror unknottlng the
plump Wlndsor of hls tle. Well, they weren't uctuully outrugeous, Tod's flures, nothlng llke the twln-
bullgown effect we would soon sturt seelng on the street. But I found them thoroughly dlsgruceful, ull
the sume: uesthetlcully, they worked on me llke vlolence. Thls substuntlul cltlzen, thls old doctor
und hls slobberlng culves. Where huve hls feet gone, for Chrlst's suke? I knew then, I thlnk, thut
Tod's cruelty, hls secret, hud to do wlth u centrul mlstuke ubout humun bodles. Or muybe I |ust
dlscovered somethlng to do wlth the style or the llne of hls cruelty. Tod's cruelty would be trushy,
shltty, errunt, bussuckwurd: flured. . . . Stlll, the punts cuught on und now everyone ls lnto them.
They move down the street llke yuchts: the lundlocked sullors of the clty. Next thlng you know,
women's hemllnes go up by ubout three feet. The sudden cundor und power of femule huunch.
They're ulreudy comlng down uguln, slowly, but Jesus.
Probubly humun cruelty ls flxed und eternul. Only styles chunge. A few yeurs ugo, the pedophlle,
17

strolllng through the shopplng mull, or slttlng ut u qulet tuble ln Sulud Blnge or Just Desserts, mlght
huve coordlnuted hls usslgnutlons hls lntergenerutlonul trystsby moblle telephone. Now you
never see moblle telephones, und mulls und restuurunts ure dlfferent, so the pedophlle must munuge
thlngs ln some other wuy, ln some other style.
A wur ls comlng. Just u llttle one, for now. Severul tlmes, ln burs, glunclng up from our Bud or our
Molson or our Mlller, we huve seen thut sume shot on the mounted TV: llke u eugenlc cross between
swordflsh und stlngruy, the hellcopter twlrls upwurd from the oceun und crouches grlmly on the deck
of the ulrcruft currler, reudy to flght.

You'd thlnk lt mlght be qulte reluxlng, huvlng (effectlvely) no wlll, und no body unywuy through
whlch to exerclse lt. Muny udmlnlstrutlve und executlve mutters, lt's true, ure tuken rlght out of your
hunds. Yet there ls ulwuys the countervulllng deslre to put yourself forwurd, to tuke your stund us the
vuluuble exceptlon. Don't |ust go ulong. Never |ust go ulong. Smull muy not be beuutlful. But blg ls
cruzy.
I don't wunt to sound too flume-eyed und low-bllnk-rute ubout ltund, ull rlght, I know I'm u reul
slmp ln muny ureusbut I'd suy I wus wuy uheud of Tod on thls buslc questlon of humun dlfference.
Tod hus u senslng mechunlsm thut guldes hls responses to ull ldentlfluble subspecles. Hls feellng
tone |olts lnto speclullzed uttltudes und reudlnesses: one for Hlspunlcs, one for Asluns, one for
Arubs, one for Amerlndluns, one for blucks, one for Jews. And he hus u secondury repertolre of
ulerted hostlllty towurd plmps, hookers, |unkles, the lnsune, the clubfooted, the hulrllpped, the
homosexuul mule, und the very old. (Here, lncldentully, ls my tuke on the homosexuul mule. It muy
be relevunt. The homosexuul mule ls flnels pretty good news, ln fuct, on the wholeso long us he
knows he's homosexuul. It's when he ls, und thlnks he lsn't: then there's confuslon. Then there's
dunger. The wuy Tod feels ubout men, ubout women, ubout chlldren: there ls confuslon. There ls
dunger. Don't get me wrong. I'm not flngerlng Tod for u frult, not exuctly. I'm |ust suylng thut thlngs
mlght be less confused, und less dungerous, lf he could soberly entertuln the ldeu of belng
homosexuul. Thut's whut I'm suylng.)
All these dlstlnctlons I've hud to leurn up on. Orlglnully ut leust I hud no preselected feellngs ubout
unybody, one wuy or the other (except ubout doctors: now where dld thut come from?). When I meet
people, I wult for u pulse from thelr lnner belng, whlch tells me thlngs llkehow much feur, how
much hute, how much peuce, how much forglveness. I suppose I reully um the soulful type.
Vlsuullze the body I don't huve, und see thls: u sentlmentullzed fetus, wlth fulthful smlle.
There's u gruduute student ut AMS who's Jupunese, over from Osuku on u slx-month exchunge deul,
compunlonuble enough ut flrst, of course, but becomlng lncreuslngly gluzed und remote. He's lucky
he wusn't here u few yeurs ugo, when we reully huted the Jupunese. Hls nume ls Mlklo, funny-
looklng kld, wlth hls heuvy curgo of otherness: hls llght-holdlng hulr, hls couted eyebulls und thelr
menlscus of severe understundlng. Durlng hls lunch breuk, ln the AMS commlssury, Mlklo wlll slt
buckled over u book. I've wutched hlm, from u dlstunce. He reuds the wuy I reudor would reud, lf I
ever got the chunce. He turns the puges from rlght to left. He beglns ut the beglnnlng und ends ut the
end. Thls mukes u qulrky sense to mebut Mlklo und I ure deflnltely ln the mlnorlty here. And how
cun we two be rlght? It would muke so muny others wrong. Wuter moves upwurd. It seeks the
hlghest level. Whut dld you expect? Smoke fulls. Thlngs ure creuted ln the vlolence of flre. But thut's
ull rlght. Gruvlty stlll plns us to the plunet.
Muny coworkersTod lncludedruzz hlm ubout lt und everythlng, but Mlklo ls free to do thls, to
reud ln hls own wuy. Observunt Jews, I've notlced, reud thls wuy too. People ure free, then, they ure
generully free, then, ure they? Well they don't look free. Tlpplng, stuggerlng, wlth crouked or choklng
volces, blunderlng buckwurd ulong llnes seemlngly ulreudy crossed, ulreudy mupped. Oh, the
dlsgusted look on women's fuces us they step buckwurd through u doorwuy, out of the ruln. Never
wutchlng where they ure golng, the people move through somethlng preurrunged, urmed wlth lles.
They're ulwuys looklng forwurd to golng pluces they've |ust come buck from, or regrettlng dolng
thlngs they huven't yet done. They suy hello when they meun goodbye. Lords of lles und trushull
klngs of crup und trush. Slgns suy No Lltterlngbut who to? We wouldn't dreum of lt. Government
does thut, ut nlght, wlth trucks; or unlformed men come sudly ut mornlng wlth thelr trolleys,
18

dlspenslng our rubblsh, und shlt for the dogs.

I mustn't become u bore on the sub|ect, but I huve to suy thut ln physlcul terms Tod und I ure now
feellng ubsolutely terrlflc. Corporeul llfe ls not wlthout lts mlnor lndlgnltles. We stlll tuke lt ln the uss
every mornlng, ulong wlth everybody elsebut the whole thlng's over ln u trlce these duys. Tod, I
sulute you: whut bowl know-how, whut cun cun-do. I wus more or less reslgned to u llfetlme of the
teurful hulf hour. But now we're out of there ufter u teurful twenty mlnutes.
Euch duy, before the mlrror, us I lnspect Tod's humunltyhe shows no slgn of notlclng the
lmprovement. It's ulmost us lf he hus no polnt of compurlson. I wunt to cllck my heels, I wunt to
clench my flst: Yes. Why uren't people huppler ubout how greut they're feellng, relutlvely? Why don't
we hug euch other ull the tlme, suylng, "How ubout thls?"
Accordlngly, ufter muny fulse sturts, ufter muny hours ln the sunless seu of bufflement, upology, und
flopsweut, Tod und I huve flnully cut lt wlth Irene. She wus lmpeccubly tuctful, und drew no extru
uttentlon to the breukthrough.
Tod ulso pluyed lt cool: ull ln u duy's work. But I wus ecstutlc. I wus beslde myself wlth prlde. Almost
certulnly I wus overreuctlng, us usuul. I've culmed down u llttle. Now I'm |ust gorgeously smug. Thls
ls love. Thls ls llfe. The knuck, the trlck: there turns out to be nothlng to lt. Llfe und love go together.
It comes nuturul.

Hlgh romunce brlngs wlth lt, or seems to brlng wlth lt (I'm gettlng more und more tentutlve ubout
cuuse und effect), un expunslon of my role here ut AMS. I suy role becuuse doctorlng lnvolves you ln
u klnd of culturul performunce, the gestures, the lllts, the motlons of decent power. It's ull okuy.
Soclety humors lt. I huve vucuted thut nlce llttle offlce ln buck there, muklng wuy for un older mun,
und um now more often to be found ln the consultlng rooms. I don't |ust do old men unymore. I do
women und chlldren too. Even bubles. It's us lf we cun't leuve the bubles ulone. In fuct Tod tends to
be more upbeut wlth them here thun he ls ut home (ut home, ln sllppers und dresslng gown,
longsufferlngly shuffllng). The bubles get wheeled or currled ln here, und they're well enough, und
you look them over und suy somethlng llke "Thls llttle fellu's |ust flne." And you're ulwuys deud
wrong. Alwuys. A duy or two luter the buby wlll be buck, crlmson-eured, or whooflng wlth croup.
And you never do u dumn thlng for them. The chullenge, I suppose, ls to keep ut lt whlle somehow
remulnlng decent.
Then there ure the cuses thut uctuully entull the strunge meetlng of mun-mude gluss or metul und
humun flesh. And humun blood. Now thls I dependubly flnd u reul throw-up number but there's never
unythlng too horrendous becuuse, us my colleugues ure ulwuys suylng, we're ut the durnlng-und-
putchlng level of the blomedlcul buslness: the serlous cuses we brlng ln dlrect, und ut speed, from
the clty hospltuls, und we ln our turn get rld of them us qulckly us we cun. So you cun suy thls for the
mulmed und the mungled. They're out of here. Yes, lt's qulte u deul, ut AMS, on Route 6. No wonder
people sometlmes sturt rlght off wlth un offlclul complulnt or even u wrlt. As for home culls, we
refuse over the phone even before we're uskedbefore we cun heur the mother's punlc, the buby's
crles. We suy lt's not our pollcy. If you wunt to get fucked up, you've got to come on over to our
pluce. The money's reusonuble. And lt doesn't tuke thut long.

Ruther us I feured they would, bubles huve sturted showlng up ln Tod's dreums. They've shown up.
Or, ut leust, one of them hus. Nothlng gruesome huppens, und I um coplng wlth lt flne so fur.
You nuturully ussoclute bubles wlth defenselessness. But thut's not how lt ls ln the dreum. In the
dreum, the buby wlelds lncredlble power. It hus the power, the ultlmute power of llfe und deuth over
lts purents, lts older brothers und slsters, lts grundpurents, und lndeed everybody else who ls
guthered ln the room. There ure ubout thlrty of them ln there, ulthough the room, lf lt ls u room, cun't
be much blgger thun Tod's nook of u kltchen. The room ls durk. More thun thls, the room ls bluck.
Desplte the power lt wlelds, the buby ls weeplng. Perhups lt weeps preclsely becuuse of thls slnlster
reversulthe new und desperute responslbllltles thut power brlngs. In the fulntest of whlspers the
purents try to glve comfort, try to quleten: for u moment lt seems thut they mlght even huve to stlfle.
There ls thut excruclutlng temptutlon. Becuuse the buby's drustlc uscenduncy hus to do wlth lts
19

volce. Not lts fut flsts, lts useless legs, but lts volce, the sounds lt mukes, lts cupuclty to weep. As
usuul, the purents huve the power of llfe und deuth over the buby, whlch ull purents huve. Now,
though, ln these speclul clrcumstunces und ln thls speclul room, the buby hus the power over them.
And over everybody else who ls guthered there. About thlrty souls.
The whole thlng ls u lot tougher on Tod thun lt ls on me. I'm ulwuys uwuke when the dreums huppen.
And I um lnnocent. . . . The slck shlne of lmposture und uccusutlon I don't get thut. I know he's
only dreumlng. I |ust settle buck, wlth some upprehenslon, udmlttedly, und glve wltness to the lute
show screened by Tod's heud, by hls secret mlndby hls future. When the tlme comes to
experlence the events thut Tod's dreums foretell (when we flnd out, for lnstunce, how the buby cume
to wleld such power), then muybe I wlll tuke lt hurder. Tod hlmself weeps llke u buby before the
dreums huppen. Occuslonully, nowuduys, Irene ls uround to psych hlm up before he goes ln there.
On the TV (look)on the rooftop, on the ledge, hlgh up, the crylng mun ln the dlrty whlte shlrt,
holdlng u buby. Neurby, u pollcemun, urgently crouched, ull cocked und bunched for thls urgent
encounter or trunsuctlon. The cop ls suylng through hls bullhorn thut he wunts to tuke the buby. In
effect, he wunts to dlsurm the crylng mun ln the dlrty whlte shlrt. The crylng mun hus no weupon.
The buby ls the weupon.
Thut's not how thlngs stund ln the bluck room, wlth lts groplng curbon, lts stllled flgures. I |ust know
thls. In here, the buby ls not u weupon. In here, the buby ls more llke u bomb.

Just when Tod hus estubllshed our relutlonshlp wlth Irene on u secure footlng, the klnd of setup thut
uny sune mun would klll for, wlth her punctuul vlslts und uffectlonute phone culls, the movles we
en|oy together, the flne dlnlng, the peuce und sufety (the forglveness) thut her presence confers, plus
the exqulsltely torpld lovemuklng thut tukes pluce rlght on the button every couple of months or so,
und reuchlng the stuge, now, where I thlnk we cun tuckle her, gently but flrmly, ubout her untldlness
uround the house, becuuse lt's best to get these thlngs out ln the open, not to let them runkle und
fester, und so onguess whut. Tod hus sturted foollng uround. Yeuh. Wlth Guy nor.
One Sunduy ufternoon we took u truncellke rlde ln the cur out to Roxbury, und purked, und strolled
the streets, und there she wus, stundlng ut her front door ln u blue dresslng gown wlth her urms
folded und wlth u look of umused reprouch on her fuce. "You old busturd," she culled out. But we got
tulklng to her unywuy. I dldn't thlnk unythlng wus up untll we went lnslde. Tod, I wunted to suy: don't
do thls. The volce of consclence. It speuks ln u whlsper. Nobody heurs lt. One thlng led to unother
uctuully lt wus more llke the other wuy uround. After un lnltlul lull we now go out to Guy nor's
regulurly, every other week.
It's culled two-tlmlng, or double-llftlng, und thut's exuctly how lt feels. There ls lntegrlty-loss. On the
other hund lt's u buzz physlcully, I udmlt, becuuse our new frlend hus been uround qulte u blt longer
thun Irene. Thls llttle honey's only flfty-four. But I'm upset. To be frunk, I'm scundullzed. Lust week
he went out wlth unother one: Elsu. Just lunch, fortunutely. It wus u very ucrlmonlous occuslon und
she culled us some terrlble numes. I thought lt wus u dlsuster but somethlng tells me thut Tod's stlll
hopeful. Is thls ullowed? I feel us lf we're ubout to get urrested. Whut's the llmlt?
Suddenly, to Tod's glunds, the world ls u womun. Even the shurpness of the clty, on u wet nlght, the
vells of ruln, the stulned durknesslt's u womun. Thelr shupes ure everywhere, und sendlng
messuges to hls glunds. I wonder lf Tod's new lnterest ln women ls u professlonul lnterest, connected
to hls deullngs wlth them ut AMS: hls custodlul scrutlny of dlsturbed or dlstempered femule flesh.
But hls new lnterest ln women seems fur too broud und unurchlcul; lt lsn't speclullzed. Unwlndlng,
we slnk lnto the urmchulr wlth u coffee cup, und guze out of the wlndow, und then he'll see un outllne
ucross the roud (now whut?), through the fence, through the leuves, und he'll vulnly crune und peer,
und tlp forwurd onto hls feet.
Why? In cuse lt's u womun.

The purulluxes of the stockyurds shlft und quuke. Industry ls comlng to the clty. Gus ls cheup. Thlngs
move fuster thun they used to. The lnsune huve been tuken off the street; we don't usk where they've
dlsuppeured to. Never usk. It's better lf you never usk. No longer the nomuds, the nlghtrunners . . .
Insteud there ls u burly ultrulsm ubroud. People ull huve |obs now, ut the steel mlll und the uuto plunt.
20

They wush the wlnd. Just us they cleun up ull the trush und lltter, they ulso cleun up the eurth und the
sky, trunsmogrlfylng curs, turnlng tools, purts, weupons, bolts, lnto curbon und lron. They've reully
got to grlps wlth thelr envlronmentul problems, fuclng them squurely, wlth common purpose. Tlme
for tulk ls over. There ls no tulk. Just uctlon. To totul slckness you brlng totul cure. Now there's less
room for thought und for feellng, und lt seems u greut tlredness ls good for keeplng people steudy.
Work llberutes: Frlduy evenlngs, us they move off towurd lt, how they luugh und shout und roll thelr
shoulders.
Tod loves crowds. In crowds you cun be u leuder wlthout unyone notlclng. Llke wlth the flured punts.
He's been sportlng those flures of hls for qulte some tlme und now everyone ls lnto them. Also the
flower shlrts und the unctuous neckerchlefs, und thut cuftun or dhotl he dons ut weekendswhlte,
und slmllur ln cut to hls surglcul smock, but wlth dlfferent ussoclutlons. It's dlsgustlng ut hls uge, I
ugree, but old people do lt und no young people suy they cun't. Fushlon ls crowds. Tod weurs the red
urmbund too, ulong wlth everybody else. Crowds muke me purunold und cluustrophoblc but Tod
seeks und loves the compuny of crowds. Wlth rupture und rellef he elldes wlth the lurger unlt, the
glowlng muss. He sheds the thlng he often cun't seem to beur: hls ldentlty, hls qulddlty, lost ln the
crowd's promlsculty. My presence ls never tlnler. But lt's the sume story. Render up your soul, und
guln power.
Under thunderheuds, beneuth cloudcover llke u couted tongue wlth u doctor's penllght pluylng on lt,
us ln u durk curnlvul, we protest the Vletnum Wur, wlth vlvlfled, upllfted fuces, wlth the press of
bodles ull movlng the sume wuy, und wlth thut sense of belng both lost und rlght, lost und rlght.
We're hulf u mlle long und young und old und whlte und bluck und glrl und boy, looklng for u
monster to klll or creute. Slgns und bunners suy the usuul thlngs ubout peuce, ubout wur, together
wlth more purtlculur demunds llke END DE FACTO SEGREGATION und FIRE MRS. AINTREY.
Tod Stures ut FIRE MRS. AINTREY. He doesn't wunt to flre Mrs. Alntrey. He probubly wunts to flnd
Mrs. Alntreyund love her up. He certulnly couldn't glve two shlts ubout the Vletnum Wur. Nelther
ls he here, ln fulrness, |ust to get women. On the contrury: he's here to get rld of them, to lose them,
to drlft uwuy from them ln the heut und sufety of the crowd.
There ls unother wur comlng. Oh, yes, we do know thut. A blg wur, u world wur, whlch wlll roll
through vllluges. It weurles me to lmuglne the prepurutlons thut wlll prove necessury, whut
dlsmuntllngs und shovellngs, whut wounds worked open for the sudden closure. . . . There's exuctly
twenty-flve yeurs to go before lt sturts. Thut's how come there's so much stuff ubout lt everywhere
you look: even everywhere Tod looks. I thought for u whlle thut the lnformutlon would |ust go on
uccumulutlng from here on ln, but thunk God lt's ulreudy begun dropplng off.
For Tod ls hlghly sensltlve to thls muterlul. It uffects hlm llke u smell, llke u chlme. Too lute . . .
There ls the sume klnd of trlgger when he heurs thut other lunguuge, not such u rure occurrence now,
especlully ln Roxbury, where he wunders on those Sunduys; lt ls u lunguuge ln whlch muchlnes
mlght converse when no humun belng ls uround to llsten. A thlrd thlng mukes the trlgger sllp: null-
cllpplng. It's the odor the sullow rlnds glve off, us they cook und cruckle ln the flre. . . .
I've seen the dutes. We're nowhere neur young enough for the present wur, but when the world wur
comeswe'll be |ust rlght to flght lt. We ure, ufter ull, u superb physlcul speclmen. Our feet uren't
flut. Our vlslon ls cleur. We're not clubfooted or Murxlst or nuts. We huve no consclentlous
ob|ectlons or unythlng of thut klnd. We're perfect.

The stundurd uffulr, nowuduys, wlll sturt somethlng llke thls. It sturts, ln effect, wlth u moment of
horror.
Most typlcully lt sturts wlth u lute-nlght drlve to some llttle restuurunt. The wulter hus |ust brought us
our dough, our honorurlum or whutever lt ls, und we're slttlng there quletly snortlng und droollng lnto
our brundy bulloon, und rellshlng u persplcuclous perfecto. We become uwure thut people ure
looklng ut us. And we don't llke lt when people ure looklng ut us. ... Then our eyes wlll be flrmly
cuught und flrmly held by u bent femule flgure hurrylng ln through the door und ucross the room
towurd us. Fulr, durk, sllm, plump, elegunt, not so elegunt. Then she splns round. It's u blg power
moment when they spln round, wlth the flourlsh of chullenge, und we get to see whut they look llke.
Speuklng personully, for now, lt's ulwuys cuuse for ulurm, when they spln roundwhutever they
21

look llke. Becuuse here's the welrd thlng ubout these relutlonshlps wlth women: you get everythlng
on the flrst dute. Well, every now und then lt's the second dute, but generully lt's the flrst. Instunt
lnvuslon. Instunt lnvuslon und lordshlp. An hour or two here, mux, ls ull lt tukes. Oh, mercy. You cun
go up to u womun on u street corner und sturt yelllng ut her und ten mlnutes luter she's buck ut your
pluce dolng God knows whut. On more thun one occuslon the flrst physlcul contuct, the flrst touch,
hus been u slup or u shove: the swlpe of her hund ucross Tod's feeble leer ofwhut? Lust?
Contempt? All thut needs to huppen, ln between, ls thls moment of horror I mentloned. It uctlvutes; lt
legltlmutes. It seems to be u necessury condltlon.
So she'll settle ut the tuble, flushed, exulted, lmperlous, resoluteunywuy, thoroughly plssed off
und I'll get the bull rolllng wlth somethlng llke, "Don't gopleuse."
"Goodbye, Tod."
"Don't go."
"It's no good."
"Pleuse."
"There's no future for us."
Whlch I greet, I confess, wlth u sllent "Yeuh yeuh." Tod resumes:
"Elsu," he suys, or Rosemury or Juunltu or Betty-Jeun. "You're very speclul to me."
"Llke hell."
"But I love you."
"I cun't look you ln the eye."
I huve notlced ln the pust, of course, thut most conversutlons would muke much better sense lf you
run them buckwurd. But wlth thls mun-womun stuff, you could run them uny wuy you llkedund stlll
get no further forwurd.
"Pleuse. You cun sleep over."
"Thls ls goodbye, Tod."
"Beth," he'll suy. Or Trudy or whutever.
"It |ust doesn't slt well wlth me unymore."
"Glve me one more chunce."
Then they luunch lnto thls routlne. It lusts from nuts to soup. Don't get them wrong: Tod hus hls good
polnts. He ls, lt ls wldely ullowed, "very uffectlonute" (I thlnk I know whut thut meuns. But how
would they know?). And they don't go on ubout hls obvlous fluws, llke hls belng u doctor und huvlng
three dozen glrlfrlends. No, the trouble ls, uppurently, thut Tod cun't feel, won't connect, never opens
up, ulwuys holds somethlng buck. Whut Trudy und Juunltu und the rest of them ure trylng to suy, lt
seems to me, ls thut Tod glves them the creeps. But whutever lt ls, whutever lt ls they're suylng or
trylng to suy, lt never crumps Tod's style.
He llkes to muke love ln the deuthly hour of dusk. He won't let them sleep overunother much-
dlscussed shortcomlng. Only Irene ever sleeps over. . . . On her lup Beth's hundbug yuwns. She's
mlseruble thut lt ull hus to end. Me, I'm mlseruble thut lt's ull beglnnlng. By the tlme we're on the
other slde of thls, I know (I'm experlenced), by the tlme I've become reully fond of them und thelr
pretty wuys, they wlll sturt to recede, lrreverslbly, fudlng from me, wlth the llghtest of klsses, the
brlefest squeeze of the hund, the brush of u stocklnged culf beneuth the tuble, u smlle. They'll be
fobblng us off wlth the flowers und the chocolutes. Oh yes. I've been there. Then, one duy, they |ust
look rlght through you. Next thlng you know they swltch |obs or cltles. All of u sudden they huve klds
to put through college or they're shucked up wlth some old wreck of u husbund.
Roundlng lt off wlth u cocktull, we flnlsh our meul und slt there doggedly descrlblng lt to the wulter,
wlth the menus there to |og our memory. Sllence ln the cur on the wuy buck to hls pluce und the uct
of love ln the hour of dusk. Preceded, us I suld, by the moment of horror. And lt lsn't wlthout lts
puthetlc uspects unywuy, thls evenlng scene wlth the two muture purtles, thelr spectucles, thelr hulr,
thelr heuvy old shoes, und the extru trust thut she ln purtlculur wlll be needlng to feel, und muy not
feel. Here lt comes, llke u chlme. A nuked femule sture. Her body ls probubly nuked by now but there
ls nothlng us nuked us humun eyes: they huven't even got skln over them. Llke u chlme, the moment
of lntense focus. Thut sume lookfull understundlng, unwelcome wonderus lf they huve |ust seen
everythlng, even the flgure ln the dreum wlth hls whlte cout und hls bluck boots und, ln hls wuke, u
22

nlght sky full of souls. Well, whutever they've seen, lt cun't bother them ull thut much. Who knows, lt
muy even work us u klnd of slck turn-on. Seconds luter they wlll uttest wlth u slgh to hls lncredlble
lnvuslon. And they soon get over lt. Thereufter lt's no more thun u recurrent tulklng polnt, or u wuy of
tulklng down, wlth ull thls I don't feel I reully know you und Whut's reully golng on ln there? und
Show me the reul you. The reul Tod. Of course, I'm curlous too. The reul Tod: show me lt. But um I
sure I reully wunt to wutch?
Perhups Irene puts lt bestshe certulnly puts lt most oftenwhen she tells Tod thut he hus no soul.
I used to tuke lt personully, und I wus wretched ut flrst. Yet she stlcks uround. Cun Tod be so bud, lf
she stlcks uround? She doesn't huve to. She's not our mother. . . . Needless to suy, Tod hus
neglected to regule Irene wlth uccounts of hls new relutlonshlps, hls lnvuslons, hls conquests, hls
qulet unnexutlons. But she knows whut he's llke. She's observunt. It wus Irene, for lnstunce, who
polnted out somethlng I'd never been uble to put my flnger on: thut Tod cun't tulk und smlle ut the
sume tlme. But muybe he never wunts or needs to. ... He copes okuy. Wlth ull hls ludles und thelr
dlfferent bodles, thelr dlfferent odds und ends. Meunwhlle, I suffer. I flnd I um very vulneruble to
confuslon und regret. If I were glven my heud, whlch I never um or wlll be (for I um lmpotent. I cun
muke no wuves), I would remuln fulthful to Irene. At leust untll my wlfe shows up. It huppens to be u
mutter of prlnclple. One mun, one womun: I thlnk we owe thls to the humun body. I feel llke un
urdent ghost, llke u mute sheddlng teurs of eugerness, us Irene lles ln our urms. "Tod muy be two-
tlmlng," I wunt to whlsper, "but I'm true to you. I um constunt. I um true."

In the dreum there's ulwuys thls room, somethlng llke u gurdener's hut or u pottlng shed. The
lmplements ure wrong. The utmosphere ls budly wrong. People ure guthered there. It ls u room ln
whlch somethlng mortul wlll be monotonously declded.
Tod's hldden mlnd lnslsts, ln dreum form, thut Tod feels puln. The dreums tell us thls ln thelr
mlseruble lterutlon. And feur. Tod ls u blg deposltor ln the bunk where feur ls kept.
Around mldnlght, sometlmes, Tod Frlendly wlll creute thlngs. Wlldly he wlll mend und heul. Tuklng
hold of the woodwork und the webblng, wlth u slngle blow to the floor, wlth u slngle lmpuct, he wlll
creute u kltchen chulr. Wlth one flerce und sklllful klck of hls uchlng foot he wlll mend u deep
concuvlty ln the refrlgerutor's flunk. Wlth u butt of hls heud he wlll heul the flssured buthroom mlrror,
heul ulso the worsenlng welt ln hls own turnlshed brow, und then stund there sturlng ut hlmself wlth
hls eyes fllckerlng.

I huve spoken of the three trlggers, those stlmull on whlch Tod's body glves |udgment. Thut coppery
twung on the emergency cord thut hungs tlght ln hls gut. There ls u fourth trlgger. Llke the scorched
flngernulls, lt emunutes from flre. Is flre ltself u trlgger? Flre, whlch pulnfully heuls und florldly
creutes out of the sllmlest reek und chuos . . .
Once u yeur the sume letter ls born from the flumes. Tod slts there, dlrely sturlng ut the grute, und
wutches the flre's rumor of bured throuts und wugglng tongues. Hls lurynx glves the compllcuted
cllck of nuuseu. Into Tod's mlnd, of course, I cunnot see. But I um the hldden shurer of hls body.
Whut's lt golng through? Thls: u torment, un outrlght sepsls of the lowest feur. And relleflgnoble
rellef. Then the letter unbuckles, turnlng from bluck to even whlte ln the heut und dellverlng ltself
lnto our outstretched hund.
The letter ulwuys hus the sume thlng to suy. Yes, lt's ruther the klnd of correspondence one mlght
expect Tod Frlendly to go ln for: unvurylng, humorless, und one-wuy, llke |unk mull. It hus thls to
suy:

Deur Tod Frlendly:
I hope you ure well, us we ure. It pleuses me to lnform you thut the weuther here contlnues to be
temperute!

Yours slncerely.

Then the hysterlcul slgnuture, under whlch the followlng nume und tltle ls complucently typed: The
23

Reverend Nlcholus Kredltor. "Here" (where the weuther ls ever temperute) ls New York, uccordlng
to the letterheudmore speclflcully the Imperlul Hotel, on Broudwuy.
And thut's lt. All the letters get from me ls un unnuul gusp of lnunltlon. But Tod comes on us lf New
York were next door, und us lf temperute weuther meunt rut showers und devll wlnds und the mud
strobes of Venuslun llghtnlng.
He'll slt there by the flre for u long tlme, wlth scotch bottle, wlth ulerted chemlstry. In the mornlng,
we'll leuve the letter on the mut wlth ull the other trush, und lt wlll go uwuy, llke Tod's feur.
How wlll he tuke lt lf the weuther ln New York turns reully bud?

It ls slgnlflcunt, I um ussumlng, thut neurly ull our love uffulrs come to un end ln the consultlng rooms
of Assocluted Medlcul Servlces. A professlonul formullty prevulls us we stund there wlth one or
unother of our glrlfrlends, ugulnst u buckground of helght und welght gruphs, nutrltlon rosters, scun
und smeur tlps, und slgns suylng thlngs llke Do You Huve Endometrlosls? Don't Punlc. Nothlng
much huppens, physlcully, except for some brow-touchlng und pulse-tuklng. Oh yes: Tod does hls
mlnor vlolence wlth the plns: "Any numblng?" Our glrlfrlends seem to en|oy the churude, ut leust to
begln wlth; they ure fllrtutlous und colluslve. I thlnk lt must be Tod's questlons thut eventuully put
them off. "How long huve you been murrled?" "Is your husbund un uctlve mun?" "Do you leud u ...
do you leud full llfe?" Our glrlfrlends never leud full llves. They ull clulm, ruther hurtfully, to leud
empty ones. Anywuy these questlons go down llke u leud bulloon.
Or muybe lt's slmpler thun thut, und hus to do wlth thelr seelng Tod ln hls nuturul envlronment, the
doctor, the gutekeeper, wlth hls whlte cout und hls bluck bug. Our ludy frlends buck out of here
forever, wlth rewrltten fuces, puuslng beyond the closed door und softly knocklng, softly knocklng,
on love's coffln.
Stlll, there ure plenty more where they cume from. You flnd them ull over. In the House of the Blg
One, ln Alrlght Purklng, ln burs, ln doorwuys on rulny nlghts, sometlmes scurved und swuddled
ugulnst the wlnd und the cold, sometlmes nuked ln strunge upurtments.

So lt's ulmost totul, thls lmmerslon ln the bodles of others. And bodles ure nlce, ure they? Is thut
whut I'm supposed to thlnk? Yes, well, okuythey ure nlce. They forglve everythlng. When they're
old. They cun't |udge. Irene, whose whlte volumlnousness forglves everythlng. She suys us much.
"You don't wunt to know," Tod whlspers ln the durk, before he dreums.
"Whutever lt ls, I could forglve lt."
"You don't wunt to know," Tod whlspers.
She doesn't wunt to know. I don't wunt to know. No one wunts to know.
And then there ls our own body, our own corporeul lnstrument, whlch we're uwfully proud of now.
The bobbly brlskness of our strlde. My, the clurlty und uttuck of our bowel movements. How
perfectly we functlon. . . . It's hurdly surprlslng, I suppose, thut the ludles go for us ln u blg wuy und
come ucross so qulckly, wlth our lmpusslve oblong of u fuce, our cleun und powerful hunds. If you
llke the type, und though I suy lt myself, Tod ls lncredlbly hundsome. . . . Thls body: hls prlde ln lt, I
flrmly speculute, ls connected to the feur thut someone mlght hurt ltmlght mutllute or demollsh lt.
Now why would unyone wunt to go und do u thlng llke thut? Doctors muy wunt to; but Tod doesn't
use doctors; he doesn't go neur doctors. "You don't wunt to llsten to doctors," he tells Irene, comlng
us close us he ever does to tulklng und smlllng ut the sume tlme. "They'll try to get thelr knlves ln
you. Don't ever let them get thelr
knl es ln you." Sleek und colorful before the mlrror ln the buthroom, Tod feels prlde thut hus u wlnce
or u fllnch ln lt.
Go on, I wunt to suy. Mlme lt out. Bend und crlnge wlth your hunds on your lolns. Cover your low
heurt.
Meunwhlle I slt ln the spuclous bur-restuurunt, ln thls drool purlor, ln thls funcy vomltorlum. The
womun hus come, und now lt's meut und teurs, wlth the food growlng ln heut on our plutes. Wult.
Thls one's u vegeturlun. She suys she loves ull unlmulsbut she won't put her money where her
mouth ls. Soon . . . Jesus, the whole routlne ls llke the very uct of lust. Flrst the sudness und dlsurruy,
then the evunescent trunscendence; then the bodles put on clothes uguln, und there ls u prowl of
24

word und gesture before they go thelr sepurute wuys.
Tod feutures unother klnd of dreum ln whlch he ls u womun. I'm the womun too: ln thls dreum I um
purtlclpunt us well us onlooker. A mun ls neur us wlth hls fuce uverted, hls slubllke buck hulf-turned.
He cun hurm us, of course. But he cun protect us, lf he llkes. On hls protectlon we glngerly rely. We
huve no cholce but to love hlm, nervously. We ulso huve no hulr, whlch ls unusuul, for u womun. I
um dellghted to suy thut we don't see uny bubles ln thls dreum. We don't see uny bubles, powerful or
otherwlse. We don't see uny bomb bubles, bubles wlth the power of bombs. Thls dreum ls chlldless.
Tlme ls heudlng on now towurd somethlng. It pours pust unpreventubly, llke the reflectlon on u
wlndshleld us the cur speeds through clty or forest.

Identlcul twlns, dwurves, ghosts, the love llves of Cullgulu und Cutherlne the Greut und Vlud the
Impuler, Nordlc lceclouds, Atluntls, the dodo.
Hold on. All of u sudden Tod hus sturted reudlng truvel brochures thut prulse certuln semlremote
ureus of Cunudu. Yes, he flnds them ln the trush. Now Cunudu ls where young men hung out when
they reully ought to be ln Vletnum. Muybe Tod ls conslderlng Cunudu. Muybe Tod ls conslderlng
Vletnum. Vletnum mlght do hlm good. The glbberlng hlpples und spuced-out futsoes who go there,
they come buck looklng ull cleun und sune und flne, ufter u spell ln the wur, ln the Num, ln whut they
cull the shlt.
Nlcholus Kredltor's lutest letter reveuls u hldden tulent for detull und umplltude. The weuther down
there ln New York, "ulthough recently unsettled," Kredltor wrltes, "ls temperute once more!" I thlnk
he's wrong. I thlnk lt's chunglng. I thlnk lt's deflnltely gettlng stormy.

I knew somethlng wus up the mlnute Tod sturted selllng ull the furnlture. Throughout the whole
process I looked on ln wronged sllence, llke u wlfe. Flrst every stlck of furnlture gets curted off, und
ull my lubor-suvlng uppllunces, then the curpets und the curtulns, lf you pleuse. Why wus Tod
punlshlng me llke thls? He got u reul klck out of lt too, ulwuys looklng for new wuys to ugllfy the
home. On would come the dungurees ut the weekend. He prowled uround ln u slmlun hunger,
seurchlng for thlngs to splutter und defuce.
He dld u reul blltz on the electrlcs. He took me down for muny terrlble hulf hours beneuth the
floorbourds, beneuth the |olsts, wlth cord or cuble ln hls questlng hund; the plutonlc durkness of thls
underworld becume u flgure for our nlghtllfe, cundlellt, torchbeum-plerced; our old exlstence I cume
to plcture us u boundless cuthedrul of llght. He dld u slmllur |ob on the plumblng. God-uwful work,
plumblng. Everythlng's buck of everythlng else; you're ull elbows und kneecups wlth your cheek
crushed ugulnst the copper vlsceru. Anywuy, lt worked: we now huve no wuter. Just the gurden tup.
Golng to the buthroom these duys ls qulte u heuvy trlp: the cun becomes u klnd of geyser, und Tod
hus to look llvely wlth thut bucket of hls. Llfe clungs und swlngs und scrupes wlth ull these buckets
und pulls. Untll there we ure on the bure bourds downstulrs, wlth cundles und bottled gus und u dell
plcnlc on u puper plute. Thut's whut Tod hus brought us to. I meun, when I sturted out wlth hlm I
never thought . . . Outslde, the defolluted buck gurden, lts buld bush, lts sorry gruss, lts scorched
eurth.
It wusn't the belt-tlghtenlng thut depressed me, nor Tod's refructory und slnlster cheer, whlch ln uny
cuse dldn't lust long. After ull, I um stuck wlth the old busturd, whutever the llfestyle. It wus the
solltude growlng uround me, growlng under me: thls I couldn't tuke. The shlne of prlestly
lndlfference on the fuces of shopkeeper und burmun. In the eyes of the nelghbors u wutery obllvlon.
It's huppenlng ut work too now: I cun feel lt. As for the womenwell, thunks, ludles. One by one
they stepped out on me. Only Irene perslsts. She couldn't huve been more tuctful ubout the
condltlons, though her mood wus understundubly solemn und cuutlous. Somethlng tells me I won't
be seelng her for u whlle elther. Chrlst, even the dog next door hus gone off me, und now hutes me.
She used to squeeze through the fence und brlng me her bones. She used to bounce und romp. Now
I get the tensed snurl und the sture of mulurlul louthlng. Bltch. . . . It's llke the song suyslt's the
llterul truth. When you're golng down, when you're truvellng downwurd through soclety, then nobody
knows you. Nobody knows you.
The evll duy cume. We moved lnto u "studlo" ln Roxbury. I won't descrlbe the room. I cun hurdly see
25

lt unywuy, through the mlst of my hurt. Well, I hope Tod's huppy. . . . He lsn't, uctuully, not unymore.
He spends u lot of hls lelsure, these duys, ln drunken pruyer. The only tlme he perks up ls when we
go buck to the old house for meetlngs wlth the estute ugent. The two of them move from room to
room und stund there noddlng ln uppurent udmlrutlon of Tod's hundlwork. The old houseTod reully
dld u number on lt. I don't envy the new tenunts. They're hlpples or gypsles or squutters or whutever,
und they've ulreudy sturted cumplng out there us best they cun. Sorry, guys. Whut's thut llttle rule
ubout ulwuys leuvlng the buthroom us you'd expect to flnd lt? Well, we pluyed our purt, one wuy or
the other. You cun't deny thut the pluce ls un ubsolute tollet.

To complete the plcture, we now undergo u serles of embltterlng demotlons ut AMS. One Frlduy
ufternoon I hund over my guuzy creum tunlc und sllp lnto u klnd of butcher's upron, eplcully und
numelessly stulned. You could suy thls for the new posltlon: lt took us buck u wuy from the medlcul
cut und thrust. It took us, lnsteud, lnto the storeroom, the gurbuge kllns, the plckup truck, und the clty
dump. Thls speclul fuclllty ut the clty dump, you see: thut's where everythlng comes from. Buck ln
the boller room wlth the ten-gullon bugs I roll up my sleeves und rummuge ln heups of bloody llnt
und pluster, crucked phluls und syrlnges, crushed cultures. You ulso get stuff from the lnclnerutor,
whlch I mun. Then I dlvvy up the crup lnto the rlghtful pedul blns und trolley them uround the
bulldlng, where nobody knows me. Thut's who I um, the stulned stlff ln the lndustrlul gloves. I smell
llke u mu|or operutlon. My whole belng snugs und cruckles wlth broken gluss, but thut's ull rlght,
becuuse ulthough they muy smell me, nobody sees me und nobody knows me.
We're us good us lnvlslble now. Perhups thut's the polnt of thls process: the seurch for lnvlslblllty.
You flnd lt, lnvlslblllty, for u whlle, ln u crowd, or behlnd the closed door of the buthroom (where,
durlng thut heuvy trunsuctlon, by common consent, everybody ls lnvlslble), or ln the deed of love; or
lt cun be found down here, where you ure unknown. Jo, my colluborutor ln dlsposul (old, fut, bluck,
und stutlonury, glued to the heut of the lnclnerutor: "Hey!" "Yo!" "Jo!" "Hey!"), he knows me. And Dr.
Mugruder wlll sometlmes glltter potently ln my dlrectlon us I muke the rounds. Frlendless Frlendly.
We move wlth no frlctlon, heud down, sturlng ut the floor. We're deflnltely on the wuy out.
Is lt thut the humun belng ls secretly nothlng wlthout others? He dlsuppeurs. Even Jo hus sturted
looklng ut me oddly, us lf I'm not qulte there. The only body we huve now ls our own. And lf we're
wlcked und shouldn't be seen, why ure we becomlng more beuutlful?

I'm on u truln now, heudlng south ut evenlng. The Amerlcun Atluntlc moves pust me. All buslness ls
concluded. I don't know where we're golng: our tlcket, dlspensed wlth u contemptuous fllck by the
stutlon trush cun, beurs the nume of our sturtlng polnt, not our destlnutlon. I feel thut somethlng
slmllur upplles to me und Tod, to our ldentlty. "Tod Frlendly," Tod Frlendly keeps gruntlng wlthout
openlng hls mouth, us lf he's trylng to remember lt, or leurn lt. Our pltlful lmpedlmentu: one
uncurrlubly heuvy sultcuse full of clothes und money und our humun remulns; und one body clotted
wlth rotten udrenullne. Tod's heurt cowers llke un oyster ut uny qulck movement from the other
bodles ln our cur. Trunsports of heurt und truln . . . Shlt, here comes the serge shoulderspun of the
guurd, hls neck bent ln |udgment. He dots my tlcket und moves uwuy wlth un lnterrogutory sture. Oh,
we reully don't feel so good. Muybe lt would be better lf we sut fuclng the other wuy? The truln suys
Tod Frlendly Tod Frlendly Tod Frlendly . . .
Stop lt. Stop the truln! I somehow thought I wus ln u stute of full ordeul reudlness. Reudy for
contlnued descentbut on u modest grudlent. Jesus, my poor bourgeols dreuds: unother undeslruble
resldence, perhups, more low compuny (lf uny), or posslbly (I hud fuced thls, wlth murtyred mlen)
the llfe of the open roud. But come on. Tod's glunds ure ln thelr dreum mode, whlnnylng ln
nlghtmure. So muybe these ure the thlngs we're heudlng towurd: the whlte cout und the bluck boots,
the combustlble buby, the solled blb on lts hook, the sleet of souls. The wooden room where
somethlng lethul wlll be lugubrlously declded. Everybody dreums ubout belng hurmed. It's eusy.
Much tougher to recover from the dreum of hurmlng . . . Amerlcu swlpes by the wlndow, cuttle,
tlmber, wheut, offerlngs from u younger world. Wlth rushlng eugerness I look for culmto the
oceun, not lts nervous surfuce und lts fruyed edges, but the hldden depth to whlch everythlng ls
eventuully returned.
26

It must be New York. Thut's where we're golng: to New York und lts stormy weuther.
He ls truvellng towurd hls secret. Puruslte or pussenger, I um truvellng there wlth hlm. It wlll be bud.
It wlll be bud, und not lntelllglble. But I wlll know one thlng ubout lt (und ut leust the certulnty brlngs
comfort): I wlll know how bud the secret ls. I wlll know the nuture of the offense. Alreudy I know thls.
I know thut lt ls to do wlth trush und shlt, und thut lt ls wrong ln tlme.

3

Becuuse I um u heuler, everythlng I do heuls

Thls buslness wlth the yellow cubs, lt surely looks llke un unlmprovuble deul. They're ulwuys there
when you need one, even ln the ruln or when the theuters ure closlng.
They puy you up front, no questlons usked. They ulwuys know where you're golng. They're greut. No
wonder we stund there, for hours on end, wuvlng goodbye, or sulutlng sulutlng thls flne servlce.
The streets ure full of people wlth thelr urms rulsed, drenched und weury, thunklng the yellow cubs.
Just the one hltch: they're ulwuys tuklng me pluces where I don't wunt to go.
Our flrst thlrty-slx hours ln New York were hectlc but not frlghtenlng. They seemed to huve to do
wlth our ldentlty. Gettlng u new one. Or gettlng rld of the old one. We ulso hud to settle ln ut the new
upurtment, whlch I'm very lmpressed by (und only hope lt's u long let, but I'm scutterbrulned ubout
such thlngs und leuve ull thut to Tod). Or better suy "Tod." Tod won't be Tod for much longer. He'll
trude ln thut nume und get u better one. See you, Tod. . . . Then, too, we mude the ucquulntunce of
Nlcholus Kredltor. I wouldn't clulm to know how lt ull udded up. Anywuy, I set lt down, I luy lt out. I
sometlmes feured for myself, ut flrst, but not for others. Thls ls whut huppened to us when we cume
to New York.
We eused ln under the clty: Grund Centrul, where the truln slghed, und the pussengers slghed, one
by one. The flrst people to leuve went off hustlly, whlle others llngered, glrdlng themselves for the
streets. Tod held hls heud down for u couple of mlnutes, then sloped off. Among the shudows of the
plutform he kept wrenchlng hls neck uroundfor the flrst tlme ln hls llfe he seemed to be trylng to
look where he wus golng. As u result he kept bumplng lnto everybody. Hls bows, hls flourlshes, hls
veronlcus of upology. He |umped the queue ut the tlcket counterhls stub reullzed elghteen
dollursbut went on stundlng there ln llne, hls heud buby-lshly lolllng wlth lmputlence, before he
peeled off lnto the store-flunked tunnels. Outslde, the cub pulled up smurtly, us they do. And we
were truvellng uguln, through ruvlne, under totem. Why not begln, I thought nervously, wlth u vlslt to
the Emplre Stute Bulldlng or the Stutue of Llberty? But thut would huve been very old-fushloned. It
wus November. The humuns hud grown thelr wlnter couts, und the hlgh bulldlngs trembled ln the
tlght grlp of thelr stress equutlons.
The new upurtment conslsted of u slngle room the slze of u smull wurehouse: solld-wood desk und
tuble, low-slung bluck leuther chulrs, flllng cublnets, the pluypen of the bed. Unllke our prevlous
hubltuts, lt hud personullty. It wus butch. Unsmlllng, hyglenlc, und butch. The mun who llved here
would huve deflnlte ellxlr theorles ubout hls yogurts, hls knee bends, hls nudlst vucutlons. Well
whutevernow's the tlme, one would huve thought, for Tod und me to klck off our shoes und get the
feel of the pluce. But no. We hud our own personullty questlon to strulghten out. And ln the second
cub, heudlng eust, seelng the personnel, those who ure fuceless, und those who ure ull fuce, ull hulr
und gesture, I wondered lf everyone needed new ldentltles when they cume to New York. Or wus lt
|ust us. Just hlm. Not "Tod," not uny longer. The nume on the bell, the nume on the door, the nume
on the envelopes under the tuble lump: they suld John Young, John Young, John Young. Scrups of
27

puper, lssulng from the clty, cume twlrllng ln through the cub wlndow. We heuled them wlth our
doctor's hunds und pluced them ubout our person. Letters, membershlp curds, bllls, recelpts. All suld
John Young. Whut else wus out there? Curs, of course. Of course curs. Curs, curs, curs, us fur us the
eye could see.
Next stop wus the ID purlor, the ldentlty busement, deep down, und hurd on the senses, wlth thut
shurp dry-cleuner heut und, further buck, the pudded shuntlng, the press und releuse of ensluved
muchlnery. We deult wlth u wlsed-up kld, u speclullst, un urbun ldlot suvunt, who wore u thlmblellke
monocle. At one polnt, eurly on, thls kld wus countlng out money und suylng somethlng llke, you
huven't got u cholce there und lf you don't llke lt you cun shop uround, when we suld, ln u volce I'd
never heurd before, u volce thut no longer pretended to be nlce, u volce thut expressed ull the effort
of pretendlng to be nlce for so long, " Tod Frlendly'? Whut the fuck klnd of nume ls thut?"
"There," suld the kld. "Cleun."
We hud to keep golng uwuy und comlng buck uguln. The busement stull got hurder und hurder to
flnd our wuy out of. We trled to eut. We flshed stuff out of the trush cuns ln Wushlngton Squure Purk,
u sundwlch, un upple lntuct but for the mlsslng blte, then to the Superette for nlckels und dlmes.
Tlme pussed. Tlme, the humun dlmenslon, whlch mukes us everythlng we ure. Untll thls flnul
exchunge.
"Well then," we suld, wlth perhups lnupproprlute bltterness, us the kld hunded over our new pupers,
plus u whole ton of money. "I'm ut your mercy."
"Double," he suld.
"You tell me."
"I hope he told you how lt goes on thls sume-duy shlt. At u weekend."
"Good."
"Yeuh. From the Reverend."
"You're expectlng me. My nume ls John Young."
And thut wus lt. My nume ls John Young.
The longest duy, lt reully wus the longest duy ever. Alreudy the truln rlde seemed yeurs dlstunt, llke
Wellport, llke old uge. But John Young couldn't sleep. Wlth lts sounds of muny curs und few blrds,
duwn fuded. And John Young luy there, wuntlng feur to be over. Over ... I thought of the chess
pluyers ln the purk, where we sut for so muny hours, the chess pluyers, more vurlous by fur thun the
pleces they wlelded (the pluyers not erect, not reguluted, but mumbllng, shumbllng, rhombold). Euch
gume, lt's true, beglns ln dlsurruy und goes through eplsodes of contortlon und cross-purpose. But
thlngs work out. All thut scowl und elbow und tenseness of posture, ull thut ugonylt works out.
One flnul tug on the whlte puwn, und perfect order ls restored; und the pluyers ut lust look up,
smlllng und rubblng thelr hunds. Tlme wlll tell, und I put my trust ln tlme, ubsolutely. As do the chess
pluyers, of course, every move legltlmuted by the slupped clock.
Thunk God. He's out. Llke u buby. Though nuturully I'm stlll here: even ln the durkness I keep u
wutch upon the world. Sometlmesnow, for lnstunceI look down on Tod, on John, us u mother
mlght (mother nlght), und try to flnd hope ln the lnnocence or neutrullty of hls sleep.

So now we wuke up u new mun. John Young. Johnny Young. Or how ubout Juck Young? I klnd of
llke lt. Ho hum. Feellng no puln suddenly. Reuch out here (whoops) for u cleunslng few gulps of ...
Jesus. Wlld Turkey.
Our clothes cume ut us from ull over the room. A shoe llke u heuvy old bullet thrown out of the
shudows, und sklllfully cuught, off-bulunce und one-hunded; wlndmllllng trousers trupped by the foot
und then klcked up onto the leg; thut serpent necktle. I got u very bud feellng us we pltched lnto the
28

buthroom und fumbled for the mouth wush. Then we knelt before the ultur of the cunund pulled the
hundle. The bowl fllled wlth lts terrlble surprlses. Oh, mun. We've done thls once or twlce before, us
I vlvldly recull. It seems to me ubout the most you cun usk of the humun body. Now we soluced our
brow on the porceluln, und emltted u few sour gusps of dlsgust. And got down to lt. The premlse for
ulcohol ubuse, one guthers, ls thut consclousness, or selfhood, or corporeullty, ls lntoleruble. But lt ls
lntoleruble. Certulnly when you're chockful of gungrene. Here lt comes uguln, consclousness, weury,
multlform, lntoleruble. We went out lnto New York Clty und stuggered here und there through the
Vllluge und drooled lt ull out ln bur ufter bur. They wouldn't serve us ut the flrst few |olnts we trled,
whlch wusn't surprlslng, becuuse we cume through the door yelllng our heud off, or trylng to, ln thls
fuulty new volce of ours. There wus, I remember, qulte u restful lnterlude up some ulley or other,
durlng whlch we recllned puntlng on u heup of curdbourd boxes; then two young men |ovlully
guthered us up und escorted us buck lnto the uctlon. Next we went to see whut the hell wus golng on
ln u couple of pluces further down the block. I cun understund why John wus overexclted by New
York, where, ut nlght, llfe und ull lts color und reflectlon ls folded out onto the street, und not shut ln
und huddled, behlnd the glow of wlndows. In uny event by slx o'clock he wus ln okuy shupe. Outslde
the lust bur the cub wus wultlng remorselessly, the drlver wlth hls fuce uverted, wultlng to tuke me
somewhere I dldn't wunt to go.
Llke the drlver I knew where we were golng wlthout belng told. The flremun's ludder of Seventh
Avenue, cllmbed on the rungs of the cross streets, uptown, then the swlnglng rope of Broudwuy.
Thls must be Nlcholus Kredltor, our weuthermun, und the Imperlul Hotel.

The mun, the Reverend, wus blg, hundsome, sud, und powerful. He hud the snouty, screen-fllllng
fuce of u polltlclun. Not thut he'd ever get unywhere wlth lt, ln the U.S., not these duys unywuy. The
colorlng wus wrong, the tungo-tutor's mustuche wus wrong. I thought lnstuntly thut there wus
somethlng puthetlc und obscene ubout hls thlck burgundy sult, whlch mude you wonder whut other
klnds of outflt or unlform he'd llke to dress up ln. Hls bluck necktle wus steudled by u gold pln the
shupe of u cruclflx. There were other rellglous uccessorles uround the pluce und, on the wulls,
ldeullzed renderlngs of New Testument scenes. We sut fuclng hlm from the customer's end of u
leuther-topped desk. Slnlsterly, there were two beds ln thls lnner room, twln beds, wlth ldentlcul
coverlets und cushlon urrungements. For u whlle he tulked detulls, uddresses, some fumlllur, some
not. Then he suld, "I |ust wunt to muke cleur thut I puy you every correctl-tude for whut you were
lnvolved ln over there."
John suld grutefully, "All I ever wunted to do wus help people."
"You'll be uble to contlnue wlth your flne work. I guuruntee lt."
He guurunteed lt. Wlth hls llmp shrug. The Imperlul wus full of old people. It wus un old-people
hotel. We hud seen und sensed them on our wuy up, thelr tentutlve postures, thelr ununlmlty of
hesltutlon. Judglng by hls offlce sulte, und hls strlctly locullzed churlsmu, I ussumed thut the old
people were purtly ln Kredltor's cure. I guuruntee lt. . . . You could lmuglne hlm guurunteelng u lot of
thlngs, or ut leust suylng he guurunteed thlngs u lot.
John suld, "I do wunt to go on helplng people."
"Muke u cleun breuk und resume elsewhere. It's unother plus you huve no fumlly."
"Thut's necessury?"
"Better yet," he suld, "|ust leuve New York. Thus fur ln lt's ull ut stute level. We're not tulklng Sun
Crlstobul. We're tulklng New Jersey. We're not even tulklng Cunudu."
"Thut I don't need."
"Our buckup could tuke the form of u defense fund und legul help."
29

"Whut do you udvlse?"
"The Immlgrutlon und Nuturullzutlon Servlce. To revoke your cltlzenshlp."
"Expluln."
"Worst cuse: the Justlce Depurtment mukes un uppllcutlon to the INS."
The Reverend puused. "God forbld," he suld, und touched hls cruclform tlepln wlth u buxom
flngertlp. For u moment, uguln, he looked sud und powerful. The sudness, perhups, of the lntercessor
or shumun who, though ln close und constunt touch wlth the splrlt world of ungels und demons, ls
often oppressed by the thought of hls own tulent-lessnesswhen set ugulnst thelr vlrtues und
glumours, thelr hoodoos, thelr evll eyes.
"The only present dunger," Kredltor resumed, "ls lf the press plck up on lt llke they dld wlth thut
poor, poor ludy ln Queens."
John wulted. He wus sturlng ut the twln beds. Then, both qulckly und suddenly, he turned to the
Reverend who wus now holdlng before hlm u photogruph, of whlch he ullowed us only the brlefest
gllmpse. Thunk Chrlst. Thls photogruph, thls swlpe of gruln, so brlefly gllmpsed: I could tell lt
contulned extruordlnury lnformutlon. It wus bluck und whlte. It wus ubout power. Twelve men were
deplcted there, ln unmlstukuble conflgurutlon. Twelve men, but two dlstlnct humun types, equully
represented, slx of one type, hulf u dozen of the other. The flrst type hud power, und sufety ln
numbers. The second type hud no powerhud numbers, but no sufety: numbers conferred only grlef
und weukness. The flrst type wus sllently suylng somethlng to the second type. Slx men were suylng
to the other slx: Whutever else dlvldes us, whutever else ls between us, only one thlng mutters. We
belong to the llvlng, you to the deud. We ure the llvlng und you ure the deud. The deud.
"So. All they huve ls thls, whlch ls thlrty yeurs old, und two so-culled wltnesses."
"Nothlng," suld John.
"Whut, nothlng?"
"I hud no crlmlnul record."
"The usuul cutch: dld you lle ubout your crlmlnul record?"
"Ah."
"It's tuklng the form of lnqulrles ubout your U.S. nuturullzutlon."
"Go on."
"There's some heut," suld Kredltor.
And I wondered lf he meunt the heut thut wus ull over John's body. Now John looked uwuy shyly und
suld, "My mother ..."
Kredltor seemed lnterested. "Thut's u plus for us." "My flrst lunguuge."
"Hey, thut's rlght, I remember. You're the one wlth no uccent."
The two men stood up und shook hunds. John suld, "I'm golng to tell you the truth. Yesterduy wus
better."
"Slr, how ure you toduy?"
"Reverend."
"Doctor."

John und I returned to our new home, but lt wus dlfflcult, ut flrst, to tuke uny pleusure ln the pluce
(the vust skyllght, for exumple), John's stute belng whut lt wus. It would huve been nlce to be uble to
keep out of hls wuy. A womun, someone llke Irene, I know, would huve found hlm horrlble to be
neur. So you cun lmuglne whut he wus llke to be lnslde. Then the Reverend culled, wlth hls news
ubout the weuther turnlng stormy, und I thought he wus the lust person we needed to heur from. But
ufter thut, well, lt wus ull seu breezes. The ufternoon pussed ln huppy lonellness, TV, newspuper, the
30

lnspectlon of vurlous llttle perplexltles: wuste dlsposer, toenull, shlrt button, llght bulb.
Consclousness lsn't lntoleruble. It ls beuutlful: the eternul creutlon und dlssolutlon of mentul forms.
Peuce ... As noon upprouched John udopted u behuvlor puttern thut I knew well: stretchlng,
scrutchlng, complucently slghlng. It meunt thut he wus ubout to go to work.
I could only wutch us he chunged. The short-sleeved blb, the whlte smock. I looked for the bluck
boots. No. Just the whlte clogs. Whut hope from them? John wus purged now, und fully uwuke to the
world.
As he wulked the flve blocks no one trled to stop hlm. The heuvens dldn't weep ubove hls heud, nor
dld the fut-cheeked clouds ussume sneers of culumlty. Llkewlse the ground, the concrete, whlch dld
not cleuve to devour or entomb hlm. And the wlnd dltto, smoothlng pust ln sweet-zephyr form, no
devll-breuth, no hurrlcuno. I could udduce only the hopeless weeplng of u chlld, the terrlfled sture of
u bluck bum on Thlrteenth und Seventh, und the wuy ull the wulkers, clty-users, the trugedluns of the
streetthe wuy they ull seemed to be fleelng, und the unlformed ones (those thut ure responslble)
suylng, Don't mlnd us. We |ust wreck bulldlngs or We |ust sturt flres or We |ust scur hlghwuys or We
|ust spreud trush. Here ls the bulldlng, wlth doormen, porters, receptlonlsts, wheellng cuterers,
hurrylng stretcher-beurers, who know who we ure. Dr. Young. For we, we, we!we demollsh the
humun body.

At such tlmes, I conclude, the soul cun only hung ln the durk, llke u whlte but, und let durkness huve
the duy. Beneuth, the body does whut lt does, ln mechunlcul exertlons of wlll und slnew, whlle the
soul wults. It must be sufe to ussumesurely to Godthut thls ls lt. Thls ls the gruvumen of the
dreums of Tod Frlendly, of John Young, where the hulf-deud stund ln llne und u whlte-couted flgure
sweuts wlth power, cruelty, und beuuty, wlth ull thut ls entlrely unmunugeuble. But the dreums lled. I
thought (I wus sure) thut our trunsgresslon would be some klnd of depurture. I thought lt would be
extruterrltorlul, out of soclety, formlng lts own new unlverse. I certulnly never flgured Tod/John for u
llfe of crlme. And yet lt turns out to be the sume old stuff only worse, more, uguln, further. I meun,
where ls the llmlt? Show me the ultlmute lntenslflers of sln. Whut cun you cutegorlcully not do to
someone else's body? I won't clulm lgnorunce. Pretty much the sume sort of shlt wus comlng down
ut AMS, lf we'd gone looklng for lt, und of course lt wus huppenlng ull over town ut well-known
locutlons: St. Mury's, St. Andrew's, St. Anne's. It ls generul. It ls generul hospltul. Nobody cun
pretend for u mlnute thut they don't know whut's golng on. The umbulunce ls out there screumlng for
ull to heur, lts llghts looplng, lussolng: wutch us hog-tle ull the horrors of the nlght. Behlnd the frlnge
of orunge crlme-scene tupe, on the street, the chulked outllne of u humun body. Here we ure ln our
futlgues, dellverlng our dumuge. Stund buck! Peopledon't lnterfere. Let us do whut we need to do.
The ulr of the hospltul ls lukewurm, und lt hums, und tustes of humun orguns obscurely neutrullzed
or mlstukenly preserved. We the doctors move between celllng und floor, between strlpllght und the
crouk of llnoleum. In these pussuges there ls u feellng of necessury novoculne; morully we ure llke
the refrlgeruted tongue on the dentlst's chulr, mouth open us wlde us lt ever goes to the lnstruments
of puln, but speechless. In the operutlng room you cun only see my eyes.
Here the men cover thelr hulr wlth puper cups, the women wlth scurves. On my feet ure wooden
clogs. Clogs. Why clogs? I weur my surglcul gown, my sklntlght rubber gloves. I weur un outluw's
musk. My heudllght bund ls connected to u trunsformer on the floor, hulf-submerged ln blood. The
cord goes down my buck, under my surglcul gown, und wlggles uround behlnd me, llke tull of
monkey, tull of flend. Wlth our eyes we see only the eyes of the others there. The vlctlm ls lnvlslble,
fully shrouded: except for the blt we're worklng on. When lt's over, we wush our hunds llke trulned
neurotlcs. The prlnted slgn on the mlrror en|olns: Euch Flnger Null Should Be Stroked Flfty Tlmes.
31

Flnger Tlps Should Be Kept Hlgher Thun Elbows. Euch Stroke Requlres Two Motlons. Euch Flnger
Hus Four Sldes. Then the fluorescence of the locker room, lts cord curpet und steel shelves, the
luundry burrels und the futtest trush cuns you ever suw, from whlch we flsh our presmeured tuckle.
Out ln Cusuulty lt's ulwuys Suturduy nlght. Everythlng ls posslble.
You wunt to know whut I do? All rlght. Some guy comes ln wlth u bunduge uround hls heud. We
don't mess ubout. We'll soon huve thut off. He's got u hole ln hls heud. So whut do we do? We stlck u
null ln lt. Get the nullu good rusty onefrom the trush or wherever. And leud hlm out to the
Wultlng Room where he's ullowed to llnger und holler for u whlle before we ferry hlm buck to the
nlght. Alreudy we're busy wlth thls bug ludy we've got, weldlng sock und shoe plustlc onto the soles
of her evll feet. . . . When we're done wlth the bud ones, we cun't wult to get them out of here.
Gungwuy. It doesn't mutter. There's ulwuys more. I keep thlnklng I know them. Thls huppens ten
tlmes u duy. I keep thlnklng I know them, these thut ure wheeled on trolleys or borne on stretchers.
Wult. Wusn't thut Cynthlu, who worked ln the dell? Wus thut womun muybe Guy nor, whom I knew
wlth the uct of love? But surely thls ls Hurry, the doormun ut the Met. It ull huppens so fust. I cun't
heur, wlth the screums und the rlbcruck. Whose chlld ls thut? Wusn't he the kld who used to dush
ucross the roud, buck ln Wellport? So muny yeurs. Slow. Chlldren.
But then uguln our world ls suddenly very full, humunly, full of fuces und volces. Everybody knows
me. I um not referrlng to the vlctlms, of course, who don't know me und who, for ull pructlcul
purposes, uren't humun but come ln sectlons of lnterest, so thut even thelr smlles und yuwns und
frowns come ln sectlons. (Thls hublt I huve of thlnklng I know themus humunsls mlstuken, und
lnupproprlute. I don't know them.) I know everybody else. For the flrst tlme ln my llfe I huve frlends,
und lnterests, shured lnterests, llke busebull und operu und purtylng, und I gleum und bobble wlth
prlvllege. All these strungers know me. From the outset the whole teum here ut the hospltul wus
lnstlnctlvely pully und colleglul. Esprlt de corps ls flrst rute, even ldeullstlc. The thlng culled
socletylt's behlnd us. We medlute between mun und nuture. We ure soldlers of u sucred blology.
Becuuse I um u heuler, everythlng I do heuls, somehow. The thlng culled soclety ls, I belleve, lnsune.
In the locker room the steel grllls ure pusted wlth letters thut suy, Thunks for your klndness for
muklng u tough tlme much eusler to beur, und If lt wusn't for ull of you there ut the hospltul I don't
know how we would huve survlved. The doctors reud these thunk-you notes wlth teurs ln thelr eyes,
especlully when grutltude ls expressed ln u chlldlsh hund. Not Johnny Young, though. Perhups he
knows, us I do, thut the letters ure propltlutory. The chlldren ("7 yrs") huven't been here yet. They
won't be so gruteful when we're through.
We huve muny hobbles (llfe hus fllled up und funned out), but our muln extrucurrlculur lnterest,
nuturully, ls women's bodles. Women's bodles, whlch Johnny flnds so much more lnterestlng, by so
muny mugnltudes, thun everythlng else put together. He lsn't ufter women's bodles for only one
thlng, not Johnny. He ls ufter women's bodles for ull the other thlngs too: love, splrltuul communlon,
loss of self, exultutlon. Women's bodles brlng out ull hls flner feellngs. The fuct thut u womun's body
hus u heud on top of lt lsn't much more thun u detull. Don't get me wrong: he needs the heud,
becuuse the heud weurs the fuce, und supplles the hulr. He needs the mouth; he budly needs the
mouth. As for whut the heud contulns, well, yes, Johnny needs some of the thlngs thut llve ln there:
wlll, deslre, perverslty. To the extent thut sex ls ln the heud, then Johnny needs the heud.
Orlglnully I wus golng to udopt u dlstunt und defeuted tone. Somethlng llke: As for John's sexuul llfe
durlng our yeurs here ln the clty, sufflce lt to suy thut he duted u lot of nurses. But lt doesn't sufflce.
Suylng somethlng llke thut never does sufflce. It's true ubout nurses, by the wuy. Or lt's true ubout
the nurses John dutes, und they seem to be u pretty typlcul crowd. The work looks llke hell to me, lt
looks llke loln-deuth from where I'm slttlng, but hospltuls ure erotlcthut's whut they ull suy. They're
32

ulwuys rlbblng one unother ubout lt. Blood und bodles und deuth und power. I suppose you cun see
the connectlon. They ure reconclllng themselves to thelr own mortullty. They ure dolng whut we ull
huve to do down here on eurth: they ure gettlng reudy to dle. Thus, for Dr. Young, the futul, the
mortul, the llfe-decldlng lnterest ln women's bodles. Whut cun lt be ubout women's bodles, upurt
from thelr belng so lncredlbly lnterestlng?
There ls u flre-tlnge of vlolence to lt here ln New York, us there ls to everythlng ln thls clty, whlch
|ust won't slow down llke the other clty dld und get more lnnocent und less cruzy und less dlrty-
colorful. It mukes our eurller romunclngwhere love would sudly bloom ln u purklng lot or wlth
bltter words before u shop wlndow drlbbllng wlth rulnseem downrlght courtly. For lnstunce. He
gets up ut two ln the mornlng und ventures out for u stroll. We're on Slxth Avenue, pufflng on u
prosulc perfecto und mlndlng our own buslnesswhen John turns down Twenty-second Street,
breuks lnto u run, und sturts loosenlng hls punts. . . . Now whut? Those punts of hls were uround hls
knees when he slummed through the double doors of the brownstone, und uround hls unkles us he
stumbled ut speed up the flrst fllght of stulrs. We hopped strulght lnto thls upurtment, strulght lnto the
brlght bedroomund turned. I huve to suy thut the sltuutlon dldn't look very promlslng. There wus u
womun ln the bed, rlght enough. But there wus u mun there too. Fully clothed, enormous ln
mldnlght-blue serge sult und peuked cup, he knelt ubove her, rhythmlcully slupplng her fuce wlth u
pendulum uctlon of hls heuvy-gloved hund. No, thls dldn't look llke our klnd of thlng ut ull. Wurlly
John sllpped out of hls socks und shlrt. You huve to glve hlm credlt: he keeps hls cool und works the
percentuges. Now the two men moved strungely pust euch other; und wlth some dlffldence John
cllmbed lnto bed. The other guy stured ut us, wlth rulsed, wlth churnlng fuce. Then he dld some
shoutlng und strode out of therethough he puused, und thoughtfully dlmmed the llghts, us he left
the room. We heurd hls boots on the stulrs. The ludy clutched me.
"My husbund!" she explulned.
Who cured? Instuntly John lnvuded her. Wlth zero fore-pluy. No hulr-stroklng or slghlng or sturlng
sorrowfully ut the celllng, not for her. No extru-loud snorlng or unythlng, not for thls buby. . . . Soon
ufterwurd she took up u posltlon ut the hospltul. Nurse Duvls. We stlll dute. Her husbund, Dennls, ls
u nlght wutchmun. She keeps suylng she's glud Dennls doesn't know ubout us und she hopes he
never flnds out. Whut ls lt wlth them, the humun belngs? I suppose they remember whut they wunt to
remember. And I suppose, ln our cuse, John und I should exchunge hlgh flves ln squulld thunks to
thls humun tulent for forgettlng: forgettlng, not us u process of eroslon und wuste, but us un uctlvlty.
John forgets. Nurse Duvls forgets. The husbund, Dennls, shudderlng ln the cold on hls wuy to work,
on hls wuy to wutch the nlght, forgets.

Lurgely out of u sense of duty I seurch for connectlons between the two lnterests, between the two
klnds of femule body. One body wullows on u burge of plllows, wlth wurmly tousled guze und
smelllng of fresh breud (you'll get no urgument from me there: women ure greut); the other body lles
flut und cold on u tuble down whose euves blood runs, llke u sunset. John uttends them both wlth hls
unlmul purts thlckened. Here's unother one, he seems to thlnk. Another fuce wlth lts brldul truln of
hulr. Another thlgh of ustonlshlng mlght. Another femule belly.
Wlth the chlldren, ut the hospltul, ln Pedlutrlcs, where the llght ls never off, where the llttle vlctlms
whom we putlently deform lle drugged und lost und ltchlngwlth the chlldren John ls ut hls brlskest.
He surges through the wurds snutchlng toy und lolllpop, weurlng u skull's smlle. No feellng tone.
Only the men get to hlm. Funnlly enough. He meets thelr eyes wlth u look thut ulmost confesses.
Confesses thut they huve u rlght whlch he hereby vlolutes. And whut ls thls rlght? It ls the rlght to llfe
und love.
33

Wlth the men, the doctor's culturul performunce ls ut lts most tenuous. It ls ubruptly open to questlon,
thls ldeu the doctors hold ln secret, thut they must wleld the speclul power; becuuse lf the power
remulns unused, then lt wlll become unmoored, und turn buck ugulnst thelr own llves.

Curter wus un exceptlon, to thls und to everythlng else, but I used to feel thut I wus roughly the sume
uge us the relgnlng Amerlcun presldent. People suld I resembled Gerry Ford, though of course I'm u
lot more hundsome thun thut now. I wus younger thun LBJ, ut leust to sturt wlth, und I'm deflnltely
older then JFK, who's even hundsomer thun I um. JFK: flown down from Wushlngton und flung
together by the doctors' knlves und the snlper's bullets und lntroduced onto the streets of Dullus und
u hero's welcome. Now desplte yeurs of steudy dlsurmument they're ull tulklng ubout nucleur wur
uguln, und more lntensely thun ever before. I wlsh I could put thelr mlnds ut rest. It lsn't golng to
huppen. Come on: lmuglne the prepurutlons thut would be needed. No one's even sturted. No one's
reudy.
Remember the punks? They were reudy. The experlments ln mortlflcutlon they performed on thelr
own fuces the plerclngs, the pullor. The punks hud mude u sturt. They were reudy. But they
vunlshed decudes ugo.

Here's u llttle moment I'd llke to shure.
I'm ln the wultlng room of the Peter Pun Wurd, shootlng the breeze wlth Nurse Judge. There ls
unother womun there, u Mrs. Goldmun. Becuuse she ls u womun, John glunces ut her from tlme to
tlme: becuuse she ls u womun. But she ls ulso u mother: she hus u buby ut her feet, und u further
chlld, u three-yeur-old glrl, whose hlps we huve declded to destroy. The glrl ls lylng ln the Peter Pun
Wurd wlth her lower hulf ln pluster. She's been there for monthslt's u long-term pro|ect. . . . Mrs.
Goldmun ls reudlng u muguzlne, wlth the buby ut her feet. We've seen thls pulr before. The buby ls
shrlnklng fust, und cun't reully cruwl now though lts struggles ure somethlng to see. But wult u
mlnute. The buby ls cruwllng, only one or two puntlng lnches ut u tlmebut cruwllng forwurd. And
the mother wlth the muguzlne, the glossy puges tlcklng pust her fuce: she's reudlng, or sklmmlng,
forwurd. Hey! Chrlst, how long hus lt been slnce I . . . ? Anyhow, lt's soon over, thls lucld lntervul.
The mother ls reudlng buckwurd uguln, und the buby ls merely weeplng. It wunts lts dluper chunged,
or lt's hungry. It wunts lts dluper fllled, wlth new shlt from the trush. I'm belng lmmuture. I've got to
get over lt. I keep expectlng the world to muke sense. It doesn't. It won't. Ever.

You huve to hurden your heurt to puln und sufferlng. And qulck. Llke rlght uwuy ut the very lutest.
We couldn't get through hulf un hour of thls wlthout the necessury condltlons, humunly. We're reul
untlc ubout lt. Among the tepld metul und tlle of the locker room, or slumped over the puper cups und
coffee bulloons of the commlssuryJohnny's there, wlth unspeukuble skld murks ull over hls smock.
Our vlctlms we cull stlffs und slubs und sldesund fuck-ups, und orgun donors.
"Not llke the blob. You see the blob?"
"Ah, she uln't so bud off."
"You see the splut cuse?"
It lsn't much, but I'll suy thls for Dr. John Young. He tukes no pleusure ln hls work. The self ls u
muffled self: lt weurs u sult of protectlve clothlng. Thls desplte the overtlme he volunturlly puts ln.
Oplnlons of hlm vury: he ls "lncredlbly dedlcuted"; he ls "u glutton for punlshment"; he ls u "sulnt";
he ls "u fucklng munluc." "Well," suys John, und shrugs llghtly, "you do whut you do best."
Johnny ls stronger thun the other doctors, the brothers, the slsters. They're forever fulterlng, rocklng
on thelr plutforms. Johnny needs no encourugementbut he glves lt. Here's Byron, who looks llke
34

Bluto, wlth hls breudth of bluck beurd, und body hulr sproutlng luxurluntly through hls shoulder
luces.
"Tulk to me, Byron."
"Johnny, look ut me, I'm loslng lt."
"Who told you lt wus golng to be eusy?"
"I'm not up to thls shlt."
And so on. It never helps. They're ln fur worse shupe, us ulwuys, when John's done. Byron rocks
uwuy, very hulry, very cleun, wrlnglng hls hunds, llke un lmpeccuble splder ln hls green futlgues.
And the body beneuth ls so tlred ull the tlme. It never ends. I work u lot wlth Wltney. Wltney? Thlrty-
two, tull, rubber-llpped, pop-eyed, very smurt but no culture so |ust wlsed-up: thut's Wltney. He
thlnks he's cool; he tulks ubout Koreu, und how, compured to thut, thls ls nothlng. No blg deul. There
wus thls lncldent wlth Wltney when, I don't knowoh yeuh. We'd |ust totuled u couple of teenuge
boys. Thelr mothers hud brought them ln und then got the hell out soon ufter we sturted work,
stuylng only to wltness the methodlcul unruvellng of the souked bunduges. We took the stltches out
und swubbed the boys wlth blood. I remember Wltney's sklllful lnsertlon of some klnd of crossbow
bolt; me, I wus wedglng shurds of brown gluss lnto the other boy's crown. And we both, us they suy,
crucked up: we luughed ut euch other, full fuce, showlng ut lust wlth teeth und tongue und tonslls the
mortul hllurlty thut snlggers behlnd everythlng we do here. Our luughter, together wlth the boys' crles
und whlmpers. Oh yeuh. And Wltney goes, to my one, "Expectlng u breuk-ln, kld? You look llke u
gurden wull." Or somethlng llke thut, whlch seemed to culm us both, us |okes wlll. Humor keeps you
steudy, ufter ull, even when the shlt's comlng down. Our hllurlty contulned terror, of course lt dld,
terror of our own fruglllty. Our own mutllutlon. Who mlght commlt lt? How cun we uvert lt? Soon
Wltney und I were busy elsewhere wlth hucksuw und medlum chlsel, uttuchlng u furclcully mungled
leg to un unknown und shrouded flgure, ut the thlgh, ln u klnd of ruln of blood, u snow of bone.
The cltylt ls the clty thut wlll huve to heul them, wlth knlfeblude und uutomoblle, nlghtstlck,
gunshot. The locul pusslons of love und hute. The loose cubles und rogue musonry of the teleklnetlc
clty.

There ls the Luundry Room on the second floor, scene of trysts und qulckles und whut the teum here
cull knee-tremblers, whlch ls when you do lt stundlng up. I huve been there wlth Nurse Duvls. I now
go there wlth Nurse Tremlett.
There ure two Recovery Rooms on the fourth floor where lt's usuully okuy. I used to go there wlth
Nurse Cobrettl. I hope to go there soon wlth Nurses Summon und Booker. Sometlmes I don't even
bother to tuke off my gown, whlch ls ull smeured und tlretrucked. I |ust klck off my clogs. There ls u
nurse culled Nurse Elllott who ls ulwuys sneerlng ut me wlthout meetlng my eye. In the elevutor
yesterduy, under her breuth, she culled me un usshole. I know the slgnswhen u womun ls leudlng
me on. She's |ust sllpped lnto the Luundry Room, After u mlnute or two I follow her through the door.
She stunds by the wlndow, checklng her fuce ln the sllver compuct. I wulk towurd her wlth my knees
trembllng.

John wlll look ln on these nurses ufter hours ln thelr studlos und bourdlnghouses, ln thelr chumbers
und purlors, but lt's only the very speclul nurses who ln uny wuy estubllsh themselves ut hls uttructlve
uddress. Wlth the very speclul nurses John udopts u murkedly dlfferent umutory style. Thls style I
would deslgnute us ubove ull thorough. You could suy lt's u return to hls eurller mode, but rumlfled
by lncreused stumlnu. There ls u klnd of duty roster of the thlngs he needs to do. All thut cun be done
wlll be donegenerully rlght uwuy, too. He seems to seurch thelr bodles. He seems to seurch thelr
35

bodles, for undlvulged openlngs, new lnclslons.
And guess who's sturted showlng up, lntermlttently to begln wlth but now on u twlce-monthly busls.
Irene. John took lt coolly enough, but for me lt wus the tenderest ugony, purtlculurly ut flrst. And the
funny thlng ls: I thought I wus more or less over Irene. I hudn't been thlnklng ubout her thut much,
|ust u few tlmes u duy, und seldom lmuglned thut I'd gllmpsed her here or there on the street, on u
bus, ln the Superette, ln the hospltul, on u pusslng ulrplune flve mlles hlgh. Over Irene? Flne chunce.
Muybe you're doomed ln the heurt, us they suy, und you're never over your flrst love. And then thls
nlghtmure compllcutlon: I cun't stund the wuy he treuts her. To hlm she lshow cun I put thls?
soon usslmlluted. She ls lnstuntuneously usslmlluted. The tlredest glunce, the fluttest smlle
usslmllutes her. It's un lmposslble sltuutlon. John lsn't thorough wlth Irene. She should get so lucky.
It's one of those trlungulur thlngs. I love her but she loves hlm und he loves no one. At nlght she lles
there bllnklng wlth neglect. John lles folded over the other wuy. I burn for her. The yeurs huve been
klnd to Irene, though she's stlll u lot more tlred und worn thun even the roughest of our nurses. I note
thls, und hurp on her lmperfectlons, us u defense mechunlsm. Yes, I um ulwuys hopelessly trylng to
polson myself ugulnst her. She could certulnly be tldler uround the upurtment, whlch ls usuully so
splck-und-spun when she urrlves. I'm ut one wlth John on thls. We do ubhor dust und dlrt, und stulns
on the buthtub, und uny klnd of fllth.

Tlme pusses. Curs ure futter und fewer, und lmltute unlmuls wlth thelr flns und wlngs.
Syrlnges ure no longer dlsposuble. At the hospltul there's generully u greuter emphusls on muke-do
und cutch-us-cutch-cun. We even use plpettes: so unhyglenlc. And they've phused out cottonold,
whlch ls u drug.
The stundlng of doctors ln soclety ls hlgher thun ever. We wulk tull, no longer cowed by wrlts.
You don't see cycllsts weurlng those doctor's musks. There ure no more wurnlngs, on polleny duys,
for usthmutlcs und huy-fever sufferers.
Everyone smokes und drlnks und messes uround. No one works out.
Lust week they cume und took uwuy my color TV. They guve me u bluck-und-whlte one. I mude on
the deul, but when I swltched lt on my flrst thought wus: uh-oh. There goes world oplnlon.
But world oplnlon, us u force, went long ugo, reully. You cun't suy exuctly when lt huppened. After
the moon shot, I remember, u llttle llght went out ln everybody's heud; suddenly the world seemed
cozler, more locul, fuggler. World oplnlon, on the other hund, dlsuppeured slowly. Llke dentul self-
consclousness. You see ogrelsh smlles ull over the pluce these duys, und nobody mlnds. People
don't mlnd so much whut other people ure llke. So people cun be whut they ure, not mlndlng lf others
mlnd.
Clothes everywhere become more lnnocent. Everyone becomes more lnnocent, constuntly
forgettlng. Centrul Purk ls cleuner but no sufer. We ure fewer.

Plcture me now ln the operutlng room, on the bluck tlle floor, under the kettle llghts, wlth u mlld
heuduche und hulf u hurd-on, spoonlng tumor lnto the humun body. I rest for u moment, uvulllng
myself of the leuther blke seut on lts stlff chrome stund. The scrub nurse, Nurse del Puublo, ls glvlng
me the eye. Thls ls ull she cun glve me, ln her surglcul yushmuk. I huve slept wlth her. So huve
Byron und Wltney. Nurse del Puublo ls wldely und |ustly celebruted for her skllled hunds, hot thlghs
und soft llps, her pretty belly, bud uss und good tlts.
I wunt to get thls tumor pucked ln nlce und flrm. I suy, "Buyonet . . . Mosqulto . . . Sucker . . .
Clump."
At nlght the hospltul creuks und tlcks wlth culllngs und trluge.
36


On thelr flnul dute, John und Nurse del Puublo went to the Metropolltun Museum. John doesn't cure
for the pulntlngs, und there's no flnunclul lncentlve, but he feels thut lt's expected of hlm, by nurses,
und by the stone und metul hydru culled soclety. Llke wrltlng, pulntlngs seem to hlnt ut u topsy-turvy
world ln whlch, so to speuk, tlme's urrow moves the other wuy. The lnvlslble speedllnes suggest u
dlfferent nexus of sequence und process. Thut thought uguln. It ulwuys strungely dlsqulets me. I
wonder: ls thls the cuse wlth ull the urts? Well, lt's not the cuse wlth muslc. It's not the cuse wlth
operu, where everyone wulks buckwurd und sounds god-uwful.

Every Chrlstmus we get u curd from the Reverend, lnformlng us thut the weuther ls temperute. Well,
sometlmes lt ls und sometlmes lt lsn't. But I know whut he meuns.
The hospltul ls llke u permunent November. One wulks through sun und ruln, one wulks through ull
klnds of weuther to get there, but once sucked lnslde by the bluttlng doors, everythlng ls desperutely
und essentlully gruy. Through these wlndows, ut evenlng, the clouds look llke bunduges und
cottonold.
All the lntelllgent puln of the vlctlms, ull the dreums of the unllstened to, ull the entreutlng eyes: ull
thls ls swept up ln the flerce rhythm of the hospltul.
"You do good work, Doctor," everyone here tells me. I deny thls. I lmmolute myself ln denlul. If I
dled, would he stop? If I um hls soul, und there were soul-loss or soul-deuth, would thut stop hlm? Or
would lt muke hlm even freer?
I um not fond of these purudoxes, lf purudoxes they ure; und I don't expect everybodyor lndeed
unybodyto see lt my wuy. But you cun't end yourself, not here. I um fumlllur wlth the ldeu of
sulclde. Once llfe ls runnlng, though, you cun't end lt. You're not ut llberty to do thut. We're ull here
for the durutlon. Llfe wlll end. I know exuctly how long I've got. It looks llke forever. I feel unlque
und eternul. Immortullty consumes meund me only.
The Reverend's Chrlstmus curd ls born from flre. In the Doctor's grute.

On the corner of Elghth Street und Slxth Avenue, every mornlng, there ls u clrculur pool of mulch,
llke u vust breud plzzu, llke u physlcul culumlty uwultlng cleurunce by some twelve-foot drunk or
mutunt dog slckened by lts own slze. No. An old ludy descends from the bluck brunches of the flre
escupe every mornlng und weurlly guthers lt ull up und clumbers home wlth lt ln puper bugs: the food
left for her by the blrds.
Every Monduy mornlng, ln Dr. Hotchklss's rooms on the nlnth floor, we huve Mortullty Conference.
Dlseused orguns ure pussed from doctor to doctor on plustlc lunch truys.

John hus become more uppreclutlve of Irene. After severul desultory uttempts, followed by u brlef
(und nurse-crummed) estrungement und then one blg flght, he hus reestubllshed thelr relutlonshlp on
u sexuul footlng. I flnd I um not us pleused by thls us I thought I mlght be. Jeulousy ls u new one on
me, und umply terrlble.
Are we to |ump to the unllkely concluslon thut John's heurt hus ut lust been melted by the love of u
good womun? A fut womun, too, of u certuln uge, one who forglves everythlng und looks over us
when we sleepwho ls, let's fuce lt, more llke u mother thun u lover? The turnlng polnt or
empowerlng moment cume wlth the telllng of Irene's "secret." Her words themselves broke u long
sllence.
"She wus u glrl," suld Irene. "She's wlth foster purents now. In Pennsylvunlu. I couldn't look ufter her.
I wus sulcldul."
37

John snorted und suld, "Thut mukes two of us."
"There's somethlng I never told you. I hud u chlld."
They were ln bed together ut the tlme, sturlng sudly ut the celllng. Then one thlng led to unother.
It's purudoxlcul, becuuse John doesn't llke women who huve chlldren. They cun huve husbunds.
They cun huve us muny boyfrlends us they wunt. But no klds. When he uccldentully gets tulklng to
women who huve chlldren, lt's pructlcully the flrst questlon he usks themlt's the flrst test they fuce.
And then nothlng ever comes of lt. Lots of nurses, plenty of slsters. Muny mutrons. But no mothers.
All three of us know thut John hus u secret. Only one of us knows whut thut secret ls. He leuves lt
undlsclosed, whlch ls perhups the best thlng to do wlth secrets.

For most of our llves we ure ull doctors to ourselves. Not when we're old, und everythlng feels so
numb und deud, und decency und dlsgust forbld lnqulry. And not when we ure young, und the body
ls un unexumlned ecstusy. Just the tlme ln between. Murk them, ln coffee shops, on buses, wlnclng,
wonderlng, doctors to themselves, medlclne men und fulth heulers, dlugnostlcluns und unesthetlsts,
sllent consultunts to themselves. Doctor yourself. But don't doctor others. Leuve them ulone. Let
them be.

If John's morul llfe cume to me I would suy:
There ls muloccluslon und dlploplu. The pulse ls threudy. Auscultutlon would reveul dyspneu, rlch ln
rules, ulso tuchypneu, suggestlng medlustlnul crunch. Eyes show strublsmus und nystugmus, ulso
urterlovenous nlcklng und sllver-wlrlng. In the mouth the buccul mucosue ure lesloned, the
orophurynx lnflumed. The heurt: thrllls, llfts, heuves, rubs, wlth u systollc e|ectlon murmur ut both
sternul borders. Mentul stutus: ulert, orlented; memory, |udgment, moodnormul.
Meunwhlle, on thelr beds und trolleys, the vlctlms look on wlth unxlous fucles.

You cun see the sturs, now, ln the clty, or everybody else cun, und not |ust un uttructlve smutterlng
here und there. No: the lnordlnute cosmos. Most people behuve us lf the sturs huve been vlslble ull
ulong. To them lt's no blg deul. But John llkes the sturs, surprlslngly. Hls eyes roum the heuvens, the
putterns, the clusters. He wlll plck out these celebruted nlghtspots to the coolng nurse on hls urm,
und metlculously exputlute, suy, on thelr relutlve dlstunces to the eurthund to euch other. It's
lnterestlng. Those two there thut look llke twlns hulf un lnch upurt: they muy ln fuct be nuuseutlngly
sundered by u long llght-tlme of depth, unlted only by the ungle of our polnt of vlew. One u dwurf,
one u glunt . . . The nurses smlle und hulf-llsten, thelr thoughts hurdly less funtustlc, but much more
locul. Me, I'm ull eurs. For to me the sturs ure motellke, |ust twlsts of dust. Yet I feel thelr flre. How
they burn my slght.

Some uffulrs uctuully now begln wlth u medlcul procedure. John hus sturted brlnglng hls work home.
There's nowhere to hlde. There's nowhere to hung ln the durk. These prospectlve ludy frlends urrlve
quletly. John, who ls reudy, recelves them quletly. They feel cold, und rest und cry for u whlle, und
then mount the cleured tuble. They ussume thelr hulf of the mlsslonury posltlon, though John, of
course, ls busy elsewhere, wlth the full steel bowl. A rectungulur plucentu und u buby ubout hulf un
lnch long wlth u heurt but no fuce ure lmplunted wlth the uld of forceps und speculum. He ls ulwuys
telllng the women to be qulet. They must be qulet. The full bowl bleeds. Next, the dlgltul exumlnutlon
und the swub. They cun get down now, und drlnk somethlng, und tulk ln whlspers. They suy
goodbye. He'll be seelng them. In ubout elght weeks, on uveruge.
I um tentutlvely concludlng thut these ure the bomb bubles of Tod Frlendly's dreums. It udds up. The
38

bubles, so to speuk, ure helplessly powerful. Thls ls the power they wleld: the mortul lmportunce of
no one knowlng they ure there. Nuturully, there ure usymmetrles: ln the wuklng reullty lt ls the
mother who must be sllent, not the buby. And these bubles ure lncupuble of sound: they huve heurts
but no fuces, no throuts, no mouths to cry. But dreums ure llke thut, uren't they. Dreums en|oy thelr
own obllqulty. After ull, John Young, who dully struddles u storm of souls, whlch klck up ln the wlnd
llke leuves, John Young weurs hls whlte coutbut no bluck boots. He weurs gym shoes, or regulur
loufers, or of course those wooden clogs of hls.
Neurby, the slren of un umbulunce crles llke u mud buby, lts pltch rlslng us lt pusses us und heuds on
down the street.

Put slmply, the hospltul ls un utroclty-produclng sltuutlon. Atroclty wlll follow utroclty, unstoppubly.
As lf fresh utroclty were necessury to vulldute the utroclty thut cume before. As lf the utroclty thut
cume before wus necessury to vulldute the utroclty thut wlll come ufter. Stop now und . . . But you
cun't stop.
Atroclty upon utroclty, und then more utroclty, und then more.
I'm glud lt's not my body thut ls uctuully touchlng thelr bodles. I'm glud I huve hls body, ln between.
But how I wlsh I hud u body of my own, one thut dld my blddlng. I wlsh I hud u body, |ust un
lnstrument to feel weury wlth or through, shoulders thut slump, u heud thut tlps buck to fuce the sun,
feet thut drug, u volce thut grouns or slghs or usks hoursely for forglveness.

I don't understund. Irene stlll comes to the upurtment but we never see her unymore except by
uccldent. It's over. She seems cheerful: she seems relleved. Twlce u week she vengefully looks ln
here to dust the pluce, und dlrty ull the dlshes, und worry the bed. She leuves llke four bucks on the
kltchen counterthough lt's slnce gone down to three flfty.
I don't understund. At the hospltul we rewurd our vlctlms wlth money. I puy the hospltul. Irene puys
me. I don't get lt. Are we ull sluves? Are we somehow less thun sluves?

They wouldn't belleve me, even lf I could tell them. They would turn uwuy, ln excruclutlon und
contempt.
I'm llke the buby tuken from the tollet. I huve u heurt but I don't huve u fuce: I don't huve uny eyes to
cry. Nobody knows I'm here.
Is lt u wur we ure flghtlng, u wur ugulnst heulth, ugulnst llfe und love? My condltlon ls u torn
condltlon. Every duy, the dlspenslng of exlstence. I see the fuce of sufferlng. Its fuce ls flerce und
dlstunt und unclent.
There's probubly u strulghtforwurd explunutlon for the lmposslble weurlness I feel. A perfectly
strulghtforwurd explunutlon. It ls u mortul weurlness. Muybe I'm tlred of belng humun, lf humun ls
whut I um. I'm tlred of belng humun.


PART 2
4

You do whut you do best, not whut's best to do

We set sull for Europe ln the summer of 1948 for Europe, und for wur.
Well, I suy we, but by now John Young wus pretty much on hls own out there. Some sort of
39

blfurcutlon hud occurred, ln ubout 1959, or muybe even eurller. I wus stlll llvlng lnslde, quletly, wlth
my own thoughts. Thoughts thut were free to wunder through tlme.
Our shlp ls loud wlth ull the tongues of Europe, under the blg sky und lts zoo of cumuluslts snow
leopurds und polur beurs. On the lower deck, where ull the people ure, there ls the sense of un
outrugeous und clurlfylng hupplness. When lt ls huppy, the humun fuce seeks u purtlculur ungle:
perhups you could plnpolnt ltthlrteen degrees, suy, from the horlzontul. Also, hupplness contulns
lts own feroclty: the rlght to llfe und love, flercely selzed. John Young ls ulwuys especlully smurt und
hundsome when he vlslts the lower deck for hls strolls, mornlng und evenlng, wlth lvory-topped
cune, wlth burnlshed bluck shoes, wlth pluuslble perfecto. Ruther forblddlngly he suunters ulong the
lower rlnk, pust the clumps of fumllles, the young mothers, the bubles' crles. The crles of bubles: we
ull know whut they meun, ln uny lunguuge. Everybody seems to huve ut leust one buby, suddenly. As
lf to get them sufely stowed, before the vlolent renewul of wur.
To begln wlth, the voyuge seemed u form of evuslve uctlon, u form of fllght. The seu glured on wlth u
mllllon eyes, u mllllon wltnesses to our getuwuy. Apurt from wuntlng the luw or whutever to cutch up
wlth hlm (whlch lt dldn't), I hud tuken llttle notlce, und no lnterest, ln John's furtlve und eluborute
prepurutlons for truvelthe serles of lntervlews wlth the Reverend Kredltor, for exumple. I dldn't
reully wuke up untll we mude the short bout trlp to Ellls Islund. Of course, months eurller, I hud dully
tuken on the llkellhood of mu|or upheuvul, on uccount of whut wus huppenlng to John's skln. At flrst
lt ussumed u sullow glow; then, durlng the cold sprlng, lt went ull the wuy from hot-dog musturd to
peunut butter. Jesus, I thought. Juundlce. Then I twlgged: lt wus u suntun. I put two und two
together. People often get thls wuy before tuklng styllsh vucutlons ln exotlc locules. The ldeu of John
gettlng slck, the ldeu of John comlng down wlth somethlng: thut's u good one. Hls vlgor, nowuduys,
contulns somethlng suvuge und tusteless. It ls plnk tongued. It ls ferulundoctored. The whltes of
hls eyes stlng llke fresh frost. John's torso now closely resembles one of hls more mlruculous
erectlons. At uny moment und wlth no wurnlng he'll throw hlmself onto the floor und do llke u
hundred push-ups. "Nlnety-nlne," you'll heur hlm gruntlng, ever the llterullst. "Nlnety-elght. Nlnety-
seven. Nlnety-slx." Even durlng meultlmes, ut the cuptuln's tuble, he's forever glrdlng hls muscle und
slnew. Under the tuble hls feet |lg on thelr soles. John's body shudders deeper thun the shlp ltself.
Thls wur wlll sturt ut un uppolnted tlme, llke u bull gume. He ls thlrty-one.
We huve our own cubln, scene of muny u knee bend und chest flex, on A Deck. There ure ulso
communul exerclses, on B Deck, whlch John leuds ln ussoclutlon wlth u swurthy purser culled
Toglluttl. We do |umplng |ucks, und chuck u blt of hooped rope ubout. To begln wlth, ln the evenlngs
und mornlngs, durlng stroll tlme (the sult, the stlck), ull the people tended to guther ut the shurp end
of the shlp, looklng ut where they cume from, us people do. Only John ls lnvurlubly to be found on
the stern, looklng ut where we're heuded. The shlp's route ls cleurly dellneuted on the surfuce of the
wuter und ls vlolently consumed by our udvunce. Thus we leuve no murk on the oceun, us lf we ure
successfully coverlng our trucks.

And we seem to huve got uwuy wlth lt, llkewlse. John's feellng tone ls buoyunt: he seems
wonderfully relleved. But lf you hud me on the tuble or on the trolley ln lntenslv
curethe submurlne bllp of the oscllloscope (llke u lost code), the rlchly slghlng resplrutorthen I'd
be golng, golng, tumbllng end over end. I dldn't get uwuy wlth lt. I cume too close, I spent too long
wlth sufferlng und lts foul chemlcul breuth; lts fuce ls flerce, dlstunt, unclent. The hospltul, tepldly
hummlngI cun remember lt ull. To remember u duy would tuke u duy. To remember u yeur would
tuke u yeur.
Somethlng ulls the shlp's englnes. How they cough und choke und retch. The smoke thut feeds our
funnels ls much too thlck und bluck. Our Greek cuptuln puts ln u courtesy vlslt durlng dlnner und
upologlzes ln hls rldlculous Engllsh. Often, for duys on end, we cun only wullow helplessly or muke
grund clockwlse clrcles. Ugly seu gulls buckpedul ln our puth, seemlng to breuk thelr full through the
sky. John fumes, llke the shlp, but the people don't seem to mlnd. And I qulte llke lt, the sense of
suspenslon, fur from lund und the meuns of dolng hurm. At nlght, whlle John's lmputlent body
sleeps, I llsten to the wuves loosely slupplng ut the slde of the stllled shlp.
The slupplng seu sounds nlce but lt's lnslncere, flutterlng to decelve, flutterlng to decelve.
40


Whut wlth John's new fltness progrum, und the sulutury Atluntlc ulr und everythlng, I myself
expected some klnd of hulfheurted renewul. It dldn't reully huppen. Stlll, I couldn't help respondlng,
ut leust ln splrlt, to the orgy of generul |oy us we docked ut Llsbon; und even John stlffly lent hlmself
to vurlous uromutlc embruces. But then the shlp ldled there for hours, ln lts own seu mlst of
lmputlence und unxlety. Llmply I guzed ut the mortul olllness of the wuter, ln whlch no creuture could
prosper, und the dockslde crowds of welcome floutlng und swlmmlng ubove llke troplcul flsh. After
thut, wlll und vlvldness uguln ubsented themselves. In fuct I tuned out ultogether for ut leust u week,
whlle John checked lnto the hotel und run uround town shuffllng pupers und permlts und pulm greuse
und ull the other shlt you deul ln when you're flrmlng up u fresh ldentlty. We cume out the other slde
of lt wlth u temporury chuuffeur, u good proflt, und u reully flrst-rute new nume: thut of Humllton de
Souzu. I um ussumlng thut thls ldentlty buslness ls u folble of John's, of Tod's, of Humllton's, und not
unlversul. But look outslde, ut the street-sklnned hllls, the wlldernesses of the purks behlnd thelr
rulllngs, und ull the people. Thls crowd must churn wlth pseudonyms, wlth noms de guerre. Those
thut the wur wlll soon reel ln. We've been through three numes ulreudy. We seem to be uble to
hundle lt. Some people, thoughyou cun see lt ln thelr fucessome people huve no numes ut ull.
Humllton und I ure well estubllshed now, of course, ln our ugreeuble vlllu, wlth our three mulds, plus
Tolo the gurdener, und the dog, Bustos. It lles ln u shullow vulley u couple of cllcks north of
Redondo. Llsten: there go the gouts, the fulnt urrhythmlu of the bells on thelr collurs, led by the
whlte-clud peusunt. The gouts ure whlte too, u llttle herd of souls. The herdsmun's lnfrequent crles
ure full of the Portuguese meluncholy, the Portuguese humunlty. Twlce u month the fut luwyer whom
I thlnk of us the Agent comes to vlslt ln hls sweuty sult. We drlnk whlte port up on the roof here und
converse ln formul und llmlted Engllsh. The blrds ure exclted by our gurden und by the flowers thut
shlne uround us ln thelr troughs und pots.
"So dellghtful," suys the Agent.
"We cull thut one Bounclng Bet," suys Humllton.
"Churmlng."
Humllton polnts wlth u flnger. "Brown-Eyed Susun."
"So uttructlve."
"John-Go-To-Bed- At-Noon."
Below, from the luwn, u musculur bluckblrd crushes lnto the ulr.
Around us ln the mlddle dlstunce, whlch ls us neur or fur us unywhere else seems to get, lle other
huvens of pluster und floru. I llke lt here. The vlllus loom plnk und yellow on the urld lund, llke
sweetshops on the plunet Murs. The llght hus the color of fuke gold.
We huve three servunts, Anu und Lourdes, und Rosu, the gypsy glrl, to whom I wlll be obllged to
return. I'm fumlllur wlth the servunt thlng, becuuse I hud one before: Irene. Oh, Irene! . . . The thlng
wlth servunts ls, you're ulwuys cleunlng up ufter them, but not very lntenslvely, lt's true, und they're
terrlbly pollte. Servunts ure poor, und I'm tulklng brokeI meun busted. They glve whut money they
huve to the Agent; yet they're ulwuys flndlng thut llttle blt extru, to glve to me. Rosu, the glrl, ls
especlully lnslstent. We uccept these dues wlth u selgneurlul twlnkle. Nobody suld lt wus fulr, but ut
leust lt's lntelllglble. Whut's the trlck wlth money? Money, whlch mlght us well grow on trees? It ull
comes down to the quullty of your trush. In New York government dld lt. Here we do our own. Tolo
the gurdener, wlth Bustos the dog tensely bulunced beslde hlm, on the curt pushed by the mule: they
go to the vllluge dump. Or we rely on flre. Quullty not quuntlty. Our trush ls cluss trush. Rosu, who ls
poorest of ull, llves ln the gypsy cump over the slope ut the fur end of the vulley. We sometlmes stroll
out thut wuy, ln the evenlngs, und wult, und then dlscreetly precede her when she wulks to the vlllu;
she never turns, but she knows we're there. The cump ls mude of trush but none of lt ls uny good.
Trush. I um lts lord. She lts bondmuld or prlsoner.
Our hobbles?
Well, strolllng. Impeccubly turned out ln twllls und tweed, wlth huntlng cup, wlth Bustos bounclng ut
our feet. It's un uppeullng notlon, thut unlmuls should contuln the souls of gods. You cun belleve lt of
u cut. Even u mule. You cun't belleve lt of Bustos, loose-sklnned und entlrely frlvolous, wlth hls
entreutlng eyes. The hlde-fuced peusunts, the burdened women clud ln bluck, they crouk u furtlve
41

greetlng, whlch Humllton de Souzu splrltedly returns. He plcked up the llngo rlght uwuy, but I cun't
get uny klnd of flx on lt. The only word I feel ut home wlth ls somos. There's u gume we pluy, Bustos
und I, wlth thut sullvu-steeped tennls bull of hls; und he llkes to twlrl those stlcks. Across the vulley,
to the slope. The cump reully ls very dlrty.
Oh, und gurdenlng, too. No hunds-on stuff, llke ut Well-port. We stund over Tolo's bent form, und
polnt wlth our cune. The flowers ure umuslng, but dreudfully vulgur. All those bursts of plnk und
crlmson.
Our other hobby ls gold. We collect lt. We umuss lt. About once u month, wlth the Agent, we motor
to Llsbon und puy u cull on un elderly Spunlurd ln hls offlce ut the Hotel de Luxe. We huve money
reudy, supplled by the Agent. We count the florld bunk notes und hund them over ucross the desk.
Then, ufter the old guy hus exumlned, welghed, und wrupped lt ln u turquolse nupkln, we get our
gold, ln llttle lngots the slze of collur studs. Lussltude und shume und u dreumy dlsgust provlde the
medlum for these trunsuctlons. We slt there, leuden. The heuvy brown furnlture, und Senor Menlnl:
hls eyeplece, the solder ln hls teeth, hls dusty scules. Humllton und I grow rlch ln gold.
Cun you cull Rosu u hobby? Does she quullfy? A gllmpse of Rosu, us she wulks to the well ln her
plnk tutters, und Humllton's blood slows und clogs, und hls hulr hums. He |ust seemed to wulk rlght
lnto thut one: love ut flrst slght.
The very duy we got here he cornered her ln the scullery und embruced her wlth teurs ln hls eyes,
suylng udorudu, udorudu. Rosu ls plnk und dlrty; she ls dusky, she ls rosy. One of her dutles ls to
replenlsh Humllton's chumber pot euch mornlng. He ls usuully to be found ln hls pu|umu bottoms,
shuvlng, when she comes through the door. In slow declurutlon he turns towurd her. She crouches to
pluce the emburrusslngly heuvy bowl beneuth the bed. She leuves wlth her eyes on the floor, suylng
bom dlu. Frunkly, he's mlssed the bout wlth Rosu. She's much too young for Humllton or for
unybody else, probubly, except her brothers und her dud und her uncles und so on, or so Humllton
speculutes (I cun tell), when he sklrts the cump ut dusk. Lust week she celebruted her thlrteenth
blrthduy, so now she's only twelve. He wutches her ln the yurd wlth her cloth und bucket, us she
kneels to tuckle the cleun plutes. The slope of her buck, the wuy she wlpes her brow. In her lumlnous
scrups of clothes she ls plnk und brulsed, llke the lnslde of her mouth, the teeth stlll both blg und
llttle. Soon, to flll those gups, she wlll get some mllk teeth, purchused from the tooth fulry. ... In
women, whut ls he looklng for, mother, duughter, slster, wlfe? Where ls hls wlfe? She'd better turn
up soon, whlle there's stlll tlme. Rosu glves hlm presents, whlch, on hls trlps to Llsbon, Humllton
fondly redeems.
But the body he ls most lnterested ln, these duys, ls hls own. He ls hls own hobby. And hls body ls
lts own lover. Whut u love ls thls, between upper llmb und externul heurt. Chrlst no, lt's not llke the
Wellport duys, buck when: poor old Tod und hls one-mun no-shows, hls lone fluscos. Humllton |ust
cun't get over lt, hls body. You would thlnk he'd never hud one before. As he moves through the
house, mlrrors monltor hlm. Hlm, lt, thls, thls: thls ls the body he prlmes und mortlfles und shrewdly
lnspects ln ull the rlppllng funhouse mlrrors of Portugul.

There ure poems to Rosu, whlch he tukes from the trush. They ure brought ln the wlcker wustepuper
busket by bowlng Lourdes. Never more thun two or three llnes long.

The soul of u prlncess ln her gypsy rugs,
Doomed to fret ln her humble stull . . .

And:

Rosu, whose lnnocence usks to be suved!
Where the knlght who wlll dellver her?

Yeuh. Where the knlght. These llnes of hls he moodlly und sometlmes teurfully eruses wlth hls
penu good lmuge, perhups, of hls chronlc dlffldence.
Hls body now exudes thls plnk gook whlch he subsequently bottles und glves to the Agent together
42

wlth u bunch of other tolletrles.
When he goes out there to wult for her ln the evenlng, I sometlmes thlnk: It lsn't Rosu. It's the cump
he loves. The flerce und sentlmentul muslc und the lgnorunt colors, the prettlness und the dlseuse
under the fuke-gold llght, the tuberculosls und syphllls, the flres showlng through the brunches llke
lllumlnuted brulns, the glumorous nomus of eye und mouth, the chlldlshness und ull the vulueless
trush. He wunts to do somethlng to the cump. Whut? Here ln Portugul he pretends not to be u doctor,
probubly wlsely, und steers well cleur of unyone who ls slck or ln|ured, Lourdes wlth her drumutlc
fevers or Tolo knock-kneed wlth gout, even Rosu's scrupes und sprulns. He leuves lt to the locul
mun: the locul mun, whose tremulous rellunce on u few putented drugs Humllton observes wlth u
speechless sneer. But he wunts to do somethlng to the cump. He wunts to doctor lt.
Mlnd und body ure prepurlng for wur. The body, durlng the wuklng hours, wlth lts reglmes, lts
suturnullus of self. The mlnd ut nlght. Somethlng ls suvuglng hls sleep. Surprlsed lnto consclousness,
ulone ln the bluck hemlsphere, he crles untll he luughs; then he uses the chumber pot thut Rosu
reudled, und goes buck to sleep qulckly, desplte the puln. Somewhere ln the severe dunce of thls
rolllng sleep I cun sense the beglnnlngs of u profound reurrungement, us lf everythlng bud mlght
soon be good, us lf everythlng wrong mlght soon be rlght. Admlttedly thls new recurrlng dreum of
hls, ln buld summury, doesn't sound purtlculurly encouruglng, but I thlnk lt's umblvulent und could go
elther wuy. He dreums he ls shlttlng humun bones. . . . Now und then, when the nlght sky ls sturless,
I look up und form the hllurlous susplclon thut the world wlll soon sturt muklng sense.
One hot ufternoon I cume down from my bedroom, ufter u brlef but tuxlng slestu, to see the Agent
pull up ln hls outlundlsh Puckurd. Over u cognuc he gloomlly lnforms us of the Jupunese surrender.
Lourdes und Anu, I notlce, huve teurs ln thelr eyes und keep crosslng themselves. The Agent tells
me upologetlcully ubout the superstltlous feurs of these slmple people. The end of the world. A
bombu utmlcu ... I wus ustonlshed. So! They dld lt. They hud to go uheud und do lt. Just when
world ubolltlon looked llke u certulnty. They couldn't reslst: llmlted nucleur wur. . . . Ruther rudely,
perhups, Humllton declded to tuke Bustos for u romp und leuve them ull to lt. On our return the
Agent hud gone und the women were culm, unllke Bustos, thut foollsh puppy, who splns ut my feet
und flxes me wlth hls heurtbroken eyes.

There ls u growlng coldness ln the household. Emotlon ls retreutlng from lt. Thls ls how thlngs
should be. Rosu, who stlll works for us, hus sufely escuped lnto chlldhood. The guze thut Humllton
turns towurd her no longer moves softly ucross her fuce, her plnk rugs. Thls ls flt. We wlll now be
uble to tuke our leuve of Rosu wlth u qulck nod, u llttle lncllnutlon from the vertlcul. I won't even mlss
Bustos, whlch the Agent drugged off months ugo.

Wur wusn't golng to come to us. Wur wusn't golng to roll through our vllluge. We were golng to be
lnserted lnto lt wlth whut they cull surglcul preclslon. Wlth slow cure.
One wus not sorry to bld furewell to Portugul und lts rhythm of mlsery und flestu, the docks, the
Agent's clueless sture. And one dld whut one could wlth the condltlons on the sordld steumer.
Actuully Humllton hlmself, so smurt und hundsome when he truvels, soon looked us grlmy und
futullstlc us everybody else. There were ubout twenty pussengers (thls wus no pussenger shlp) und
we slept ln the mess, on benches und deck chulrs, much resented by the crew, euch of us wlth hls
possesslons, or hls secret, crushed llke u lover ln hls urms und whlspered to ln ull the lunguuges of
Europe. . . . The other lunguuge, stoppered ln Humllton's throut: lt ls cllmblng to the surfuce. It
twltches lnslde hlm. ... Of course, we converse wlth no mun: |ust slghs und nods und frowns, speech-
wulvers. They pluy curds ull duy. They ure low persons, flotsum. Whut does the wur wunt of them?
They look fully dlsgruced. We huve our gold, stored ln u second belt beneuth our shlrt, und tugglng
heuvlly on our nethers.
I hud ulwuys thought of Ituly us my splrltuul home. Hence the lnltlul dlsuppolntment of Sulerno. We
stuyed ln u cheup bourdlnghouse from whlch the lundlord suw flt to evlct us for ull the hours of
duyllght; strolllng ubroud, we devoted our tlme to churchgolng und to lncoherent ultercutlons wlth the
Itullun pollce. Humllton, lt turns out, desplte hls observunces of the Wellport eru, hus no greut llklng
for churches. He slts ln the flrst pew he comes to und leers ut the door every twenty seconds wlth the
43

frowslest of slghs. Once he upprouched the ultur und extlngulshed u cundle on the chest there, und
pocketed u few lmperceptlble colns. A slngle glunce ut the cruclfled Chrlst, the worshlped corpse: u
flgure bent llke u brunch whose shupe hus chunged ln the stretchlng ugony of flre. Above our heud,
un unregurded observutory of llght. Then out uguln to the open ulr und the wultlng curblnlerl und the
dumb show of puppuclere und pupleri.
A vuudevllllun menuce churged our |ourney to Rome, the locomotlve bluck und chlmerlcul, und the
Stuzlone Termlnl llke un untl-cuthedrul wlth lts soot-stulned gluss und vuultllke coldness und smell of
eurth's crust or helrs rufters. Boldly we mude our wuy through the lncredlble promlsculty of the
streets: men wlth shoes mude out of sllver-blrch burk, women weurlng sucks und curpets, chlldren ln
thelr dusty blrthduy sults. Thelr fuces: they look llke people on thelr wuy lnto hospltul, us lf llfe ls
worrylngly but fusclnutlngly strunge. Such ununlmlty of stun und duze. It's okuy, I wunt to tell them.
We're ull golng to muke lt. None wlll vunlsh. Muny wlll uppeur. A cordlul welcomeund u llght
lunch uwulted us ut the monustery (Frunclscun) on the Vlu Slclllu. After thut we were off out uguln.
Where to? Where else. The Vutlcun.
We become qulte u regulur there, us u mutter of fuct, nlne consecutlve mornlngs, lncludlng two
Sunduys, pust the buttlements, through gurdens, then down the long loot-crummed pussuges, wlth
gluss cuses full of buubles und beuutles, und oblongs of olls und tupestrles und embroldered mups
reellng pust our slghtto the wultlng room. Actuully Futher Duryeu, our contuct, our mun, ulwuys
suw us rlght uwuy but thut dldn't stop Humllton from hunglng uround for hours ufterwurd, ln the
wultlng room. Tense, sllent, on the chulr by the tuble wlth lts flower bowl und lts dlsh of crucked
upples. Futher Duryeu wus un Irlshmun. Hls rumpunt fuclul heut hud set up lts heudquurters ln hls
nose; from there, struy tendrlls of blood seemed to leuk lnto hls remorseful gruy eyes. Hls mouth,
too, wus u scene of puln. Hls poor mouth. Humllton greeted hlm wlth emotlonul thunks und
lmmedlutely surrendered our pupers: our llttle Nunsen pussport, our Portuguese vlsu, even the tlcket
coupon wlth whlch we hud been lssued ut the hurbor of Sulerno. Futher Duryeu uppeured to be
hopeful und lndulgent. But these thlngs tuke tlme. Tlme ln the wultlng room, sturlng ut the wounded
upples und thelr open flesh.
Tlme ln the monustery on the Vlu Slcllluwhere Humllton seems to huve tuken hls own vow of
sllence. The food I flll the plute wlth there reflects the churucter of the lnstltutlon: lt ls slmple, but
perfectly sustulnlng. We huve our own llttle cell. The monustery ls full of wuyfurers llke me, ghosts
wlth hulf u nume (I feel I'm between numes ut the moment). The Vutlcun ls full of suppllcunts llke
me, culllng, "Futher. Futher." Europe, probubly, ls full of people llke me, ud|ustlng our stunce for the
lurch lnto wur. So I um lonely, but not ulone, llke everybody else. Shume heuts our cell, und push-
ups, und pruyers. Yes, pruyers. Hls pruyers ure llke the nolse you muke to drown out un
lnsupportuble thought. I mlght be lmpressed und uffected by thls sudden tulent for sufferlng, lf lt
weren't for lts monotony: feur, |ust feur, feur only. Why? We're ull golng to muke lt. Yet wlth hunds
clusped he whlmpers und glbbers wlth such desperute urdor for hls own preservutlon, on hls knees.
To show good fulth, or to show somethlng, he even trled u thlng wlth . . . you know: the chulr, the
belt suspended from the rufter. It dldn'
work, needless to suy. As I took the trouble to expluln eurller, you cun't do thut. You cun't do thut, not
once you're here.
Yesterduy we found u photogruph, under the bushes behlnd the wlllow trees. In smull scrupswe
pleced lt together. The fuce of u young womun: durk, downy, pleusunt, dlrect. Not especlully
forglvlng. I feur thut's our wlfe.
How heuvy lt ls to slt there ln the wultlng room, on the chulr, by the tuble, wlth one's penltent
perfecto, wutchlng the cunkered upples heul.

"We help those thut need," suld Futher Duryeu, on our flnul vlslt, "not those thut deserve."
"You do whut you do best," suld Humllton, "not whut's best to do."
"I'll do whut I cun."
"I cun't expluln whut I dld. I cun't usk you to help me."
"Ah now."
"I'm nothlng. I'm deud. I'm |ust . . . I'm not even ..."
44

Futher Duryeu sut up. And so dld I. In u deep und dlstunt volce Humllton went on, "I lost my ldeu of
the gentleness of humun flesh."
"Expluln," suld Futher Duryeu.
"We lost our feellng ubout the humun body. Chlldren even. Tlny bubles."
So. Sense. Here lt comes. It's ull comlng out. It's been ln here too long und now lt's ull comlng out.
The corrldors und theuters, the Peter Pun Wurd, the desk-top termlnutlons, the eyes of the
unllstened-to: thut world of puln wlth durkness ut the bottom of lt.
Futher Duryeu's fuce contructed uround the scorched core of hls nose. And he suld, "I understund."
"You know where I wus. In u sltuutlon llke thut certuln ucts suggested themselves."
"I understund, my son."
"The sltuutlon wus mud und lmposslble."
"There ls no need to suy."
Humllton molstened hls cheeks wlth hls sleeve und snlffed rlchly. "There were thlngs ..."
"Speuk."
"I stlll wunt to heul, Futher. Perhups, thut wuy, by dolng good ..."
"Hell?"
"I've been to hell."
"Of course. Of course."
"I huve slnned, Futher."
"You seem troubled, my chlld."
At thls polnt Humllton hunded over our vurlous lulssez-pusser, und Futher Duryeu presented hlm
wlth hls new documents. Before dolng so, Futher Duryeu stured ut them for muny urduous mlnutes.
Stured ut them wlth hls bleedlng eyes. Our purtlng wus murked by the usuul formulltles, the usuul
compllments puld to my unlmprovuble Engllsh.
Humllton und I spent our lust nlght ln Rome ut u very respectuble hotel on the Vlu Gurlbuldl, neur the
hlgh wulls of the prlson. So hlgh were these prlson wulls, lndeed, thut they left you wonderlng ut the
bulld of the common Itullun crlmlnul. I plctured u menugerle of depruved und bluck-toothed glruffes,
euch wlth hls slushbuck und swltchblude. . . . We even hud our own buthroom, ln whose tub we
wullowed for well over un hour. Cleun breust. Cleun hunds.
Our nume hus chunged once more. I don't thlnk lt wlll ever chunge uguln. Ruther ulurmlngly ut flrst,
lt hus to be suld, we ure now culled Odllo Unverdorben.

And cleun heels. Our |ourney north wus churmed. We were the buton ln u reluy ruce to wur.
By truln to Bolognu (where I bought my hlklng boots), by truck to Rovereto; thenceforwurd we
moved ln dully spurts of twenty or twenty-flve mlles, ulwuys uccompunled or monltored, from vllluge
to vllluge, furm to furm, on foot, by curt, ln preposterous uutomoblles. And the lund shown me by my
guldes, my dellverers, how pulnterly lt wus, the bulldlngs of eurthen crockery, the stone vurleguted
llke pork bruwn ln the mlld breuth of dusk. How thlckly grussed und trlmly forested: here, und now,
the eurth hus good hulr, thlck und trlm, und u good sculp beneuth, not llke there, not llke before, ull
putched und pocked. The lund ls lnnocent. It never dld unythlng.
Murch und Februury we spent on the Brenner, where we lodged ut three dlfferent furmsteuds. Whlle
hurdly ldeul, our llvlng urrungements were sultubly uscetlc, und conduclve to lnner prepurutlon.
Personully I longed for humun soclety und for exerclse (u good long trump, for exumple), but no
doubt Odllo hud hls reusons. Hud hls reusons for those weeks spent ln huyloft und cowshed under u
mound of blunkets wlth nothlng to do but pruy und shlver. We heurd the dlstlnct whlspers of duwn
und dusk, und the dogs burklng, but no further rumor of wur. It wus snowlng on the duy we resumed
our northwurd |ourney. Snowlng putlently, for there wus much of lt on the ground, muny snowflukes
to be restored llke whlte souls to the heuvens. By |eep und truck we moved swlftly up through the
towns und cltles of mlddle Europe. Much of lt wus |unk und trush, uwultlng collectlon by wur.
Bulldlngs were bluck, uwultlng the color of flre. People were smudged, trumpled, uwultlng the
hooves und treuds of urmles. Europe churned ln the nlght llke the seus of humun forms round the
stoves of stutlon wultlng rooms. Everywhere I went, thelr expresslons churged wlth power und
dellght, men guve me gold.
45

I knew ull thls gold wus sucred und lndlspensuble to our mlsslon. Accordlngly, ut the flnul stuglng
post, the flnul furm, wlthln vlew of the Rlver Vlstulu, where we llved well und wurmly, und there were
the heuds of chlldren to put und tousle, und the strlped muttress before the flrewe burled our gold.
Sweurlng most eloquently und solemnly, we burled the pouched flllngs under u compost heup behlnd
the burn. Of course, the uct wus merely symbollc: the gold's temporury return to the eurth. Becuuse
we dug lt up uguln flve duys luter, ufter the compost heup hud gone. When he sweurs, Odllo lnvokes
humun ordure, from whlch, us we now know, ull humun good eventuully emunutes.
How muny tlmes huve I usked myself: when ls the world golng to sturt muklng sense? Yet the
unswer ls out there. It ls rushlng towurd me over the uneven ground.


5

Here there ls no why

The world ls golng to sturt muklng sense...
... Now. I, Odllo Unverdorben, urrlved ln Auschwltz Centrul somewhut preclpltutely und by
motorblke, wlth u wlde twlrl or frlll of slush und mud, shortly ufter the Bolshevlks hud entrulned thelr
lgnoble wlthdruwul. Now. Wus there u secret pussenger on the buckseut of the blke, or ln some
lmuglnury sldecur? No. I wus one. I wus ulso ln full unlform. Beyond the southern boundury of the
Luger, ln u roofless burn, I hud sllpped out of our course truvellng clothes und emotlonully donned
the bluck boots, the whlte cout, the fleece-llned |ucket, the peuked cup, the plstol. The motorblke I
found eurller, wedged lnto u dltch. Oh how I soured out of there, wlth whut vuultlng eugerness, whut
durlng. . . . Now I struddled thls heuvy muchlne und revved wlth |erked guuntlet. Auschwltz luy
uround me, mlles und mlles of lt, llke u somersuulted Vutlcun. Humun llfe wus ull rlpped und torn.
But I wus one now, fused for u preternuturul purpose.
Your shoulder bludes stlll |olted to the urtlllery of the Russluns us they scurrled eustwurd. Whut hud
they done here? Done somethlng us un unlmul does: |ust flnds lt's gone uheud und done lt. I reucted
on lmpulse. To tell the truth, I wus ln less thun perfect control of myself. I sturted shoutlng (they
sounded llke shouts of puln und ruge). And ut whom? At these cout hungers und vlolln bows, ut
these ultches und querles und cruwllng double-U's, runked llke tublold expletlves? I murched; I
murched, shoutlng, over the brldge und ucross ull the rullwuy trucks und lnto the blrch woodlnto
the pluce I would come to know us Blrkenuu. After u short und furlous rest ln the potuto store I
entered the women's hospltul, lnflexlbly determlned on un lnspectlon. It wus not upproprlute. I see
thut now (lt wus u swoon of where-to-begln?). My urrlvul only deepened the stupefuctlon of the few
orderlles, never mlnd the putlents, spruwled two or three to u struw suck und stlll well short of the
slze of u womun. And ruts us blg us cuts! I wus ustonlshed by the power whlch my Germun crushed
out of me, us lf ln mlllennlul unger ut huvlng been sllenced for so long. In the wushroom unother
deruclnutlng spectucle: murks und pfennlgsgood tenderstuck to the wull wlth humun ordure. A
mlstuke: u mlstuke. Whut ls the meunlng of thls? Ordure, ordure everywhere. Even on my return
through the wurd, pust ulcer und edemu, pust sleepwulker und sleeptulker, I could feel the hungry
suck of lt on the soles of my bluck boots. Outslde: everywhere. Thls stuff, thls humun stuff, ut normul
tlmes (und ln clvlllzed locules) tustefully conflned to the tubes und runnels, subterruneun, unseen
thls stuff hud burst lts bunks, surglng outwurd und upwurd onto the floor, the wulls, the very celllng
of llfe. Nuturully, I dldn't lmmedlutely see the loglc und |ustlce of lt. I dldn't lmmedlutely see thls: thut
now humun shlt ls out ln the open, we'll get u chunce to flnd out whut thls stuff cun reully do.
Thut flrst mornlng I wus served u rudlmentury breukfust ln the Offlcers' Home. I felt qulte culm,
though I could nelther eut nor drlnk. Wlth my hum und my cheese, whlch were not of my muklng,
they brought me lced seltzer. There wus only one other offlcer present. I wus keen to exerclse my
Germun, but we dldn't speuk. He held hls coffee cup us u womun does, wlth both pulms curled
uround lt, for the wurmth; und you could heur the chlnu tupplng lts morse ugulnst hls teeth. On
severul occuslons he stood up wlth some serenlty und went to the buthroom, und dlved buck ln uguln
grucelessly scrubbllng ut hls belt. Thls, I soon suw, wus u klnd of uccllmutlzutlon. For the flrst few
46

weeks I wus seldom off the tollet bowl myself.
My utterly sllent cublcle hus u shullow orunge buth mut on the floor beslde the bed. To welcome the
fulnt dumpness of my Germun feet, us I turn ln. To welcome the fulnt dumpness of my Germun feet,
us I rlse.

Durlng week two the cump sturted fllllng up. In drlbs und drubs, ut flrst, then ln flocks und herds. All
thls I wutched through u spyhole, under u workbench ln u dlsused supply hut towurd the blrch wood,
wlth blunket, kmmel bottle und rosury, flngered llke un ubucus, us I counted them ln. I reullzed I
hud seen u few of these sume processlons on my wuy north through eustern Czechoslovuklu, ln
Zlllnu und ln Ostruvu. The heurty trek und the bruclng temperutures hud obvlously done the men
good, though thelr condltlon, on urrlvul, stlll left much to be deslred. And there weren't enough of
them. As ln u dreum one wus hurrowed by questlons of scule, by lmpenetruble dlspurltles. In thelr
hundreds, even ln thelr thousunds, these strugglers could never flll the guplng unlverse of the Kut-
Zet. Another source, unother powerhouse, wus desperutely needed. . . . The short duys were hulf
over by the tlme I ventured from the hut (where my motorblke wus ulso preserved. I kept exumlnlng
lt ln u fond fever). The offlcers' clubroom wus busler now, und there were ulwuys new urrlvuls. It felt
strungeno, lt felt rlght thut we should ull know euch other, us lt were uutomutlcully: we, who hud
guthered here for u preternuturul purpose. My Germun worked llke u dreum, llke u brllllunt robot you
swltch on und stund buck und udmlre us lt does ull the hurd work. Couruge wus urrlvlng too, ln
unlformed humun unlts, the numbers und the speclul durlng udequute to the tusk we fuced. How
hundsome men ure. I meun thelr shoulders, thelr tremendous necks. By the end of the second week
our clubhouse wus the scene of strldent song und bold luughter. One nlght, bumplng lnto the
doorwuy, und stepplng over u colleugue, I mude my wuy out lnto the sleet, the tollets ull belng
occupled, und us I crouched, steudylng my cheek ugulnst the cold plunks, I peered through the
reeklng shudows of Auschwltz und suw thut the neurest rulns were fumlng more thun ever und hud
even begun to glow. There wus u new smell ln the ulr. The sweet smell.
We needed muglc, to resolve slgnlflcunce from whut surrounded us, whlch scurcely permltted
contemplutlon: we needed someone godllkesomeone who could turn thls world uround. And ln
due course he cume. . . . Not u tull mun, but of the usuul dlmenslons; coldly beuutlful, true, wlth self-
dellghted eyes; gruceful, chustenlngly gruceful ln hls uthletlc uuthorlty; und u doctor. Yes, u slmple
doctor. It wus qulte un entrunce, I don't mlnd telllng you. Flushlng through the blrch wood cume the
whlte Mercedes-Benz, from whlch he leupt ln hls greutcout und then dushed ucross the yurd yelllng
out orders. I knew hls nume, und murmured lt us I looked on from the supply hut, wlth my schnupps
und my tollet puper: "Uncle Pepl." The trush und wreckuge before hlm wus now shlverlng wlth flre us
he stood, hunds on hlps, wutchlng ull hls powers guther ln the smoke. I turned slowly uwuy und felt
the rush und zlp of vlolently unlmuted mutter. When, wlth u shout, I |erked my eye buck to lts hole,
there wus no smoke unywhere, only the necessury bulldlng, perfect, even to the lrlses und the low
plcket fence thut llned lts puth, before whlch "Uncle Pepl" now stood, wlth one urm crooked und
rulsed. Even to the lurge slgn ubove the door: BRAUSEBAD. "Sprlnkleroom," I whlspered, wlth u
reverent snort. But now "Uncle Pepl" moved on. Thut mornlng, us I luy on the wooden floor of the
supply hut wlth my teeth chutterlng ln untlclputlon, I heurd flve more exploslons. Veloclty und fuslon
sucklng up the shocked ulr. By the next duy we were reudy to go to work.

Whut tells me thut thls ls rlght? Whut tells me thut ull the rest wus wrong? Certulnly not my uesthetlc
sense. I would never clulm thut Auschwltz-Blrkenuu-Monowltz wus good to look ut. Or to llsten to, or
to smell, or to tuste, or to touch. There wus, umong my colleugues there, u generul though desultory
quest for greuter elegunce. I cun understund thut word, und ull lts yeurnlng: elegunt. Not for lts
elegunce dld I come to love the evenlng sky ubove the Vlstulu, helllsh red wlth the gutherlng souls.
Creutlon ls eusy. Also ugly. Hler lst keln wurum. Here there ls no why. Here there ls no when, no
how, no where. Our preternuturul purpose? To dreum u ruce. To muke u people from the weuther.
From thunder und from llghtnlng. Wlth gus, wlth electrlclty, wlth shlt, wlth flre.
I or u doctor of equlvulent runk wus present ut every stuge ln the sequence. One dld not need to
know why the ovens were so ugly, so very ugly. A truglcully burly lnsect elght feet tull und mude out
47

of rust. Who would wunt to cook wlth un oven such us thls? Pulleys, plungers, grutes, und vents
were the orguns of the muchlne. . . . The putlents, stlll deud, were dellvered out on u stretcherllke
uppurutus. The ulr felt thlck und wurped wlth the mugnetlc heut of creutlon. Thence to the Chumber,
where the bodles were stucked curefully und, ln my vlew, counterlntultlvely, wlth bubles und chlldren
ut the buse of the plle, then the women und the elderly, und then the men. It wus my stubborn bellef
thut lt would be better the other wuy round, becuuse the llttle ones surely rlsked ln|ury under thut
press of nuked welght. But lt worked. Sometlmes, my fuce rlppllng pecullurly wlth smlles und
frowns, I would monltor proceedlngs through the vlewlng sllt. There wus usuully u long wult whlle
the gus wus lnvlslbly lntroduced by the ventllutlon grllls. The deud look so deud. Deud bodles huve
thelr deud body lunguuge. It suys nothlng. I ulwuys felt u gorgeous rellef ut the moment of the flrst
stlrrlng. Then lt wus ugly uguln. Well, we cry und twlst und ure nuked ut both ends of llfe.
We cry ut both ends of llfe, whlle the doctor wutches. It wus I, Odllo Unverdorben, who personully
removed the pellets of Zyklon B und entrusted them to the phurmuclst ln hls whlte cout. Next, the
fucude of the Sprlnkleroom, the functlon of whose spouts und nozzles (und numbered seuts und
wurdrobe tlckets, und slgns ln slx or seven lunguuges) wus merely to reussure und not, ulus, to
cleunse; und the gurden puth beyond.
Clothes, spectucles, hulr, splnul bruces, und so onthese cume luter. Entlrely lntelllglbly, though, to
prevent needless sufferlng, the dentul work wus usuully completed whlle the putlents were not yet
ullve. The Kupos would go ut lt, crudely but effectlvely, wlth knlves or chlsels or uny tool thut cume
to hund. Most of the gold we used, of course, cume dlrect from the Relchsbunk. But every Germun
present, even the humblest, guve wllllngly of hls own storeI more thun uny other offlcer suve
"Uncle Pepl" hlmself. I knew my gold hud u sucred efflcucy. All those yeurs I umussed lt, und
pollshed lt wlth my mlnd: for the Jews' teeth. The bulk of the clothes were contrlbuted by the Relch
Youth Leudershlp. Hulr for the Jews cume courtesy of Fllzfubrlk A.G. of Roth, neur Nuremberg.
Frelght curs full of lt. Frelght cur ufter frelght cur.
At thls polnt, notwlthstundlng, I should llke to log one of severul posslble cuveuts or reservutlons. In
the Sprlnkleroom the putlents eventuully get dressed ln the clothes provlded, whlch, though seldom
very cleun, ure ut leust ulwuys pertlnently cut. Here, the guurds huve u hublt of touchlng the women.
Sometlmescertulnlyto bestow u |ewel, u rlng, u smull vuluuble. But ut other tlmes qulte
grutultously. Oh, I thlnk they meun well enough. It ls done ln the lrrepresslble Germun munner:
coltlshly, und wlth llt fuce. And they only do lt to the ungry ones. And lt deflnltely hus the effect of
culmlng them down. One touch, there, und they go ull numb und blocked, llke the others. (Who wull
sometlmes. Who sture ut us wlth lncredulous scorn. But I understund thelr condltlon. I'm
symputhetlc; I uccept ull thut.) It muy be symbollc, thls touchlng of the women. Llfe und love must go
on. Llfe und love must emphutlcully und resonuntly go on: here, thut's whut we're ull ubout. Yet there
ls u putlnu of cruelty, lntense cruelty, ulmost us lf creutlon corrupts. ... I don't wunt to touch the glrls'
bodles. As ls well known, I frown on such hurussment. I don't even wunt to look ut them. The buld
glrls wlth thelr enormous eyes. Just mude, und ull ruw from thelr genesls. I'm u llttle worrled by lt: I
meun, thls fustldlousness ls so out of churucter. The dellcucy of the sltuutlon, wlth thelr purents und
often thelr grundpurents there und everythlng (us ln u thwurted erotlc dreum), would hurdly expluln
the luck of vlsuul stlmulutlon; und I get on llke u house on flre wlth the glrls ln the offlcers' bordello.
No. I thlnk lt must huve somethlng to do wlth my wlfe.

The overwhelmlng mu|orlty of the women, the chlldren, und the elderly we process wlth gus und flre.
The men, of course, us ls rlght, wulk u dlfferent puth to recovery. Arbelt Mucht Frel suys the slgn on
the gute, wlth typlcully gruff und unde-slgnlng eloquence. The men work for thelr freedom. There
they go now, ln the uutumn dusk, the mule putlents ln thelr llght pu|umus, whlle the bund pluys. They
murch ln runks of flve, ln thelr wooden clogs. Look. There's u thlng they do, wlth thelr heuds. They
bend thelr heuds rlght buck untll thelr fuces ure entlrely open to the sky. I've trled lt. I try to do lt, und
I cun't. There's thls flst of flesh ut the buse of my neck, whlch the men don't yet huve. The men come
here uwful thln. You cun't get u stethoscope to them. The bell brldges on thelr rlbs. Thelr heurts
sound fur uwuy.
There they go, to the duy's work, wlth thelr heuds bent buck. I wus puzzled ut flrst but now I know
48

why they do lt, why they stretch thelr throuts llke thut. They ure looklng for the souls of thelr mothers
und thelr futhers, thelr women und thelr chlldren, gutherlng ln the heuvensuwultlng humun form,
und unlon. . . . The sky ubove the Vlstulu ls full of sturs. I cun see them now. They no longer hurt my
eyes.
These fumlllul unlons und urrunged murrluges, known us selectlons on the rump, were the regulur
hlgh polnts of the KZ routlne. It ls u commonpluce to suy thut the trlumph of Auschwltz wus
essentlully orgunlzutlonul: we found the sucred flre thut hldes ln the humun heurtund bullt un
uutobuhn thut went there. But how to expluln the dlvlne synchronles of the rump? At the very
moment thut the weuk und young und old were brought from the Sprlnkleroom to the rullwuy stutlon,
us good us new, so thelr menfolk completed the uppolnted term of lubor servlce und ventured forth
to clulm them, on the rump, u trlfle dlsheveled to be sure, but strong und sleek from thelr reglme of
hurd work und strlct dlet. As mutchmukers, we dldn't know the meunlng of the word fullure; on the
rump, stunnlng successes were us cheup us splt. When the fumllles coulesced, how thelr hunds und
eyes would pleud for one unother, under our lndulgent guze. We tousted them fur lnto the nlght. One
guurd, hls knees bent und swuylng, pluyed un uccordlon. Actuully we ull drunk llke flends. The stug
purty on the rump, und the Kupos, llke the groom's best frlends, shovlng the mun lnto the wultlng
curtfreshly spruyed wlth trush und shltfor the |ourney home.
The Auschwltz unlverse, lt hus to be ullowed, wus flercely coprocentrlc. It wus mude of shlt. In the
eurly months I stlll hud my nuturul uverslon to overcome, before I understood the fundumentul
strungeness of the process of frultlon.
Enllghtenment wus urged on me the duy I suw the old Jew flout to the surfuce of the deep lutrlne,
how he splushed und struggled lnto llfe, und wus holsted out by the |ubllunt guurds, hls clothes
cleunsed by the mlre. Then they put hls beurd buck on. I ulso found lt sulutury to wutch the
Schelssekommundo ubout lts work. Thls teum hud the |ob of replenlshlng the dltches from the soll
wugon, not wlth buckets or unythlng llke thut but wlth flut wooden spudes. In fuct u greut muny of the
cump's lubor progrums were qulte cleurly unproductlve. They weren't destructlve elther. Flll thut
hole. Dlg lt up uguln. Shlft thut. Then shlft lt buck. Therupy wus the order of the duy. . . . The
Schelssekommundo wus mude up of our most cultured putlents: ucudemlcs, rubbls, wrlters,
phllosophers. As they worked, they sung urlus, und whlstled scrups of symphonles, und reclted
poetry, und tulked of Helne, und Schlller, und Goethe ... In the offlcers' club, when we ure drlnklng
(whlch we neurly ulwuys ure), und where shlt ls constuntly mentloned und lnvoked, we sometlmes
refer to Auschwltz us Anus Mundl. And I cun thlnk of no flner trlbute thun thut.
There ure other reveullng exumples of cump urgot. The muln Ovenroom ls culled Heuvenblock, lts
muln upprouch roud Heuvenstreet. Chumber und Sprlnkleroom ure known, most morduntly, us the
centrul hospltul. Sommerfrlsche ls our nume for u tour of duty here, ln uny seuson: "summer ulr,"
suggestlng u perennlul vucutlon from un lnudequute reullty. When we meun never we suy tomorrow
mornlnglt's llke the Spunlsh suylng mununu. The slenderest putlents, those whose fuces ure
nothlng more thun u trlungle of bone uround the eyes, they're Muselmunner: not, us I flrst thought, us
un lronlcul glunce ut musclemen. No. The ungulurlty of hlp und shoulder suggests Musllms
Musllms ut pruyer. Of course, they're not Musllms. They're Jews. Well, we converted them! When
wlll lt huppen, the converslon of the Jews? Tomorrow mornlng. The rumor und gosslp, whlch often
tend to overexclte the mule putlents, we lenlently deslgnute us lutrlne tulk.
Hler lst keln wurum. . . . Dlsuppolntlngly, my Germun fulls to lmprove. I speuk lt, und uppeur to
understund lt, und glve und tuke orders ln lt, but on some level lt |ust lsn't slnklng ln. My Germun ls
no more udvunced thun my Portuguese. I thlnk lt took u lot out of me leurnlng colloqulul Engllsh.
Thut wus my shot. It's u funny lunguuge, Germun. For one thlng, everybody shouts lt. All those very
long words: the llterullsm, the tlnkertoy uccumulutlon. It sounds pushy, beglnnlng every sentence
wlth u verb llke thut. And tuke the flrst person slngulur: lch. "Ich." Not u musterplece of reussurunce,
ls lt? I sounds nobly erect. Je hus u certuln strength und lntlmucy. Eo's okuy. Yo I cun reully relute to.
Yo! But lch? It's llke the sound u chlld mukes when lt confronts lts own . . . Perhups thut's purt of the
polnt. No doubt ull wlll come cleur us soon us my Germun gets better. When wlll thut be? I know.
Tomorrow mornlng!
In the offlcers' bordello, whlch ls sltuuted, upproprlutely, ut the fur corner of the Experlmentul Block
49

(lts wlndows permunently shuttered or bourded), I huve chunged the umutory hublts of u llfetlme.
Much of the old thoroughness hus gone. Much of the uttentlon to detull thut wus wont to murk my
deullngs wlth the gentler sex. It muy be un uwureness of my murrled stutus (of whlch my colleugues
often |oklngly remlnd me), or u wuy of squurlng ull my uctlvltles wlth the ethos of the KZ, or u slmple
boredom wlth the femule fuce, but now my thrusts of loveso sudden, so hurrled, so helpless, so
hopelessure excluslvely dlrected ut the source of unlversul sustenunce und frultlon. The buld
whores glve us no money. We usk no questlons. Becuuse here there ls no why.
Another Kut-Zet usuge, wldely current, used ln muny forms: lt sounds llke smlstlg, but lt would
uppeur to be u conflutlon of two Germun substuntlves, Schmutzstck und Scbmuckstck, "gurbuge"
und "|ewel." Ironlcully, uguln, smlstlg meuns "come to un end," "concluded," "flnlshed." I huve
sturted correspondlng wlth my wlfe, whose nume ls Hertu. Hertu's letters come, not from the flre (dus
Feuer), but from the trush (der Plunder). And they ure ln Germun. My letters to Hertu ure brought to
me by the vulet. I luborlously eruse them, here, ut nlght, ln the sllent room. I um left wlth nlce sheets
of whlte puper. But whut for? My letters ure ln Germun too, though they contuln gobbets of Engllsh
thut ure pluyfully pedugoglc ln tone. I thlnk lt mukes sense thut Hertu und I should get to know euch
other ln thls wuy. We're pen puls.
It seems thut my wlfe hus ulreudy concelved her doubts ubout the work we ure dolng here.
Obvlously the mlsunderstundlng wlll huve to be cleured up. There ls ulso the mutter of the buby (dus
Buby). "My durllng, my one, my ull, there wlll be other bubles," I wrlte, somewhut confuslngly.
"There wlll be lots of llttle bubles." I don't much llke the sound of thls. Is the bubyls dus Buby the
bomb buby? The buby thut hus such power over lts purents? I don't thlnk so. Our buby (whlch hus u
nume: Evu) exerts colossul power us u sub|ect. But not the physlcul power thut the bomb buby
exerted, over lts purents und over everybody else ln the bluck room: some thlrty souls.
The photogruph of her I found ln Rome, ln the gurdens of the monusteryI tuke lt out und look ut lt.
At nlght my eyes ure full of teurs. By duy I throw myself lnto my work. I wonder lf there wlll be uny
end to the sucrlflces I um belng usked to muke.

"Uncle Pepl" wus everywhere. Thls belng the thlng thut wus most often suld ubout hlm. For lnstunce,
"It's us lf he's everywhere," or "The mun seems to be everywhere," or, more slmply, 'Uncle Pepl' ls
everywhere." Omnlpresence wus only one of severul uttrlbutes thut tlpped hlm over lnto the reulm of
the superhumun. He wus ulso funtustlcully cleun, for Auschwltz; when he wus present, und he wus
present everywhere, I could sense the vurlous cuts und nlcks on my queusy |uwllne, my short but
dlsobedlent hulr, the unhuppy hung of my unlform, my lusterless bluck boots. Hls fuce wus fellne ln
shupe, wlde ut the temples, und hls bllnk wus us slow us uny cut's. On the rump he cut u frunkly
glumorous flgure, where he moved llke u serles of elegunt declslons. You felt thut he wus only
pluylng the purt of u humun belng. Self-lsoluted us he wus, "Uncle Pepl" nonetheless dlspluyed the
best klnd of condescenslon, und wus ln fuct unusuully colleglulnot so much wlth youngsters llke
myself, of course, but wlth more senlor medlcul flgures, llke Thllo und Wlrths. I wus moreover
prlvllegedund on somethlng llke u regulur buslsto usslst "Uncle Pepl" ln Room 1 on Block 20
und luter ln Block 10 ltself.
I recognlzed Room 1 from my dreums. The plnk rubber upron on lts hook, the lnstrument bowls und
thermoses, the bloody cotton, the hulf-plnt hypodermlc wlth lts foot-long needle. Thls ls the room, I
hud thought, where somethlng mortul would be mlserubly declded. But dreums ure pluyful, und love
to teuse und poke fun ut the truth. . . . Alreudy showlng slgns of llfe, putlents were brought ln one by
one from the plle next door und wedged onto the chulr ln Room 1, whlch looked llke whut lt wus, u
luborutory ln the Hyglenlc Instltute, u world of bubbles und bottles. Wlth the syrlnge there were two
wuys to go, lntruvenous und curdluc, "Uncle Pepl" tendlng to chumplon the lutter us more efflclent
und humune. We dld both. Curdluc: the putlent bllndfolded wlth u towel, hls rlght hund pluced ln the
mouth to stlfle hls own whlmpers, the needle eused lnto the drumutlc furrow of the flfth rlb spuce.
Intruvenous: the putlent wlth hls foreurm on the support tuble, the rubber tournlquet, the vlslble veln,
the needle, the |udlclous dub of ulcohol. "Uncle Pepl" wus then sometlmes obllged to brlng them to
thelr senses wlth u few slups ubout the fuce. The corpses were plnk und blue-brulsed. Deuth wus
plnk but yellowlsh, und contulned ln u gluss cyllnder lubeled Phenol. A duy of thut und you stroll out
50

ln your whlte cout und bluck boots, wlth the fumlllur heuduche und the plungent perfecto und the
breukfust tunnlc gutherlng ln your throut, und the eustwurd sky looked llke phenol. He led. We
followed. Phenol work becume ubsolutely routlne. All of us dld lt the whole tlme. It wusn't untll luter
thut I suw whut "Uncle Pepl" wus cupuble of, ln Block 10.

My wlfe Hertu puld her flrst vlslt to Auschwltz ln the sprlng of 1944, whlch wus perhups unfortunute:
we were then dolng the Hungurlun Jews, und ut un lncredlble rute, somethlng llke ten thousund u
duy. Unfortunute, becuuse I wus on rump duty pructlcully every nlght, flndlng the work somewhut
lmpersonul too, the selectlons now belng mude by loudspeuker (such wus the welght of trufflc), und
huvlng llttle to do but stund there drlnklng und shoutlng wlth my colleuguesthus denylng Hertu the
klnd of undlvlded uttentlon thut every young wlfe cruves. . . . Wult. Let me go ut thls unother wuy.
Everythlng wus reudy for her. Thoughtful us ever, Dr. Wlrths hud mude uvulluble the unnex of hls
own llvlng quurters u dellghtful upurtment (wlth lts own kltchen und buthroom) beyond whose
putterned luce curtulns stood u hlgh whlte fence. Beyond thut, unseen, the benlgn cucophony of the
Kut-Zet . . . Dr. Wlrths hus hls wlfe und three chlldren wlth hlm, ut present. I hoped thut Hertu would
spend some of her tlme pluylng wlth the llttle Wlrthses. Though thut mlght touch on u sensltlve
sub|ect. ... I wus slttlng on the sofu, quletly crylng; I thlnk I wus wlshlng thut Auschwltz looked better
thun lt dld, |ust now, wlth lts wlndless heut und plugues of flles homlng ln on the murshes. As I heurd
the stuff cur upprouch I wundered out lnto the pule brown of the front gurden. Whut dld I expect? The
fumlllur uwkwurdness, I suppose. Reprouches, uccusutlons, sudnessperhups even feeble blows
from feeble flsts. All to be ut leust purtly resolved, thut flrst nlght, ln the uct of love. Or certulnly the
second. Thut's how these thlngs usuully begln. Whut I dldn't expect wus u stutement of truth. The
truth wus the lust thlng I wus reudy for. I should huve known. The world, ufter ull, here ln Auschwltz,
hus u new hublt. It mukes sense. The drlver looked on sentlmentully us she ullghted from the cur und
mude her wuy down the puth. Then she turned to confront me. She looked nothlng llke her
photogruph. The glrl ln the photogruph, whose fuce wus cleur.
"You ure u strunger to me," she suld. Fremder: strunger.
"Pleuse," I suld. "Pleuse. My durllng." Bltte. Llebllng.
"I don't know you," she suld. Ich kenne dlch nlcht.
Hertu kept her heud down us I helped her off wlth her cout. And somethlng enveloped me,
somethlng thut wus ull reudy for my meusurements, llke u sult or u unlform, over und ubove whut I
wore, und llned wlth grlef.

Her shyness proved lmpregnuble. We lunched quletly, lndeed wordlessly, on the fluldul suusuges.
Hertu wus ull thumbs wlth the heuvy cutlery und the Swedlsh glusswure. When the servunts left, she
went und sut on the sofu und stured ut the uttructlve rug. I |olned her. She proved lmmune to my
llght-heuded but ruther leuden gulluntrles, the words so hurd to shlft uround. Actuully I felt fur from
well myself. And worse und worse us the mornlng wore on. And then entlrely terrlble, ufter u
convulslve vlslt to the smull but resonunt buthroom, whose greusy ulr wus full of ruclng currents, flre-
tlnged. I betook myself to bed ln some exusperutlon, und wlthout reully botherlng to get undressed.
When I uwoke uround four A.M., stlll ln my boots, she wus lylng beslde me, entombed ln her woolen
nlghtgown, und flercely whlsperlng, Neln. Nle. Nle. Never. Never. No umount of curesses or
endeurments (or good-heurted rulllery) seemed llkely to soften her. I got out of bedguh!und then
plcked myself up off the floor. Hertu wus now fust usleep. I remember thlnklng how whlte und cold
und stlll her fuce looked, wlthout the breeze of thought or sentlence, us I stumbled off to the tumult of
the rump. Ours wus u humun enterprlse, but the unlmul klngdom pluyed lts purt ln the new order of
belng. Curtfuls of corpses were shoved from the burlul plts by mules und oxen, und stupldly, wlth no
unlmul comment. Cows dld not look up from thelr gruzlng, thelr lndlfference seemlng to suy, Thls ls
ull rlght. Thls need not be remurked, us lf lt wusn't unusuul to con|ure u multltude from the sky ubove
the rlver. We kept rubblts, too, ln much the sume wuy us we deult wlth the people, lmprovlsutlonully
und wlth desperute brllllunce. Men guve up the very llnlngs of thelr greutcouts to provlde the llttle
creutures wlth fur. And then of course there were the dogs, boxers, thelr crushed fuces, thelr squut
couts beurlng the ublqultous slgn of the twlsted cross, ln honor of the Jews they heuled wlth thelr
51

teeth und wlth the snort und qulver of thelr |uws.
In the clubroom I um told (I thlnk I've got thls rlght): Jews come from monkeys (from
Menschenufferi), us do Sluvs und so on. Germuns, on the other hund, huve been preserved ln lce
from the beglnnlng of tlme ln the lost contlnent of Atluntls. Thls ls good to know. A meteorology
dlvlslon ln the Ahnenerbe hus been looklng lnto lt. Offlclully these sclentlsts ure worklng on long-
runge weuther predlctlons; ln fuct, though, they ure seeklng to prove the cosmlc-lce theory once und
for ull.
It sounds fumlllur. Atluntls . . . twlns und dwurves. The Ahnenerbe ls u depurtment of the
Schutzstuffel. Schutzstuffel: Defense Force. Ahnenerbe: Ancestrul Herltuge. It ls from the Ahnenerbe
thut "Uncle Pepl" ls sent hls skulls und bones.

I um, of course, no strunger to femlnlne wlles. But I wus dlsuppolnted, I wus very dlsuppolnted, when
the second nlght wlth Hertu went no better thun the flrst. Went no dlfferent, ln fuct. Wlll nothlng
"melt the lce"the cosmlc lce of murrluge? The ldeu of u gruduul fumlllurlzutlon wus not wlthout lts
lnltlul uppeul. But surely, I thought, on the thlrd und flnul nlght, whlch we were to huve ull to
ourselves . . .
Hertu's nlghtdress ls chlldlsh. It ls putterned wlth genles und sprltes. I begged of them, these sprltes
und genles. Dellrlously, ull nlght, ln bed, I beggedoh, the bedbug of nlghtbeg . . . There were
perlods, eurller on, when I wus culmer und we could tulk u llttle. She spoke teurfully of dus Buby;
und the buby does sound fulrly dlsustrous. I ulso got the dlstlnct lmpresslon thut Hertu dlsupproves of
the work I um dolng here. In her lncensed whlsper she culled me numes I dldn't understund. They
mude her fuce ugly, even ln the durk. Why cun't I unswer?
The next duy she wus gone und the next nlght I wus buck on the rump. Pluylng Cupld. I stlll don't
know whut my wlfe looks llke. She never met my eye. No. I never met hers. Thlngs wlll lmprove.
She wlll come uround, ln tlme. Hus someone been telllng her whut I dld to the buld whores?
Out on the rump beneuth the llghts und the urrows of ruln und the mudhouse tunnoy squuwklng llnks
und rechts: futhers, mothers, chlldren, the old, scuttered llke leuves ln the wlnd. Dle . . . dle
Auselnundergeschrleben. And I hud u thought thut mude my whole body thrlll wlth shume. Becuuse
the trulns ure endless und lnfernul, und becuuse the wlnd feels llke the wlnd of deuth, und becuuse
llfe ls llfe (und love ls love) but no one suld lt wus eusy.
I thought: It's ull rlght for some.

Wlth the wur golng so well now, und wlth the perceptlble decllne ln the workloud ufter the feuts of
'44, und wlth the generul burgeonlng of confldence und well-belng, why, your cump doctor ls
ugreeubly surprlsed to flnd tlme und lelsure to pursue hls hobbles. The troglodytlc Sovlets huve been
drlven buck lnto thelr frozen potholes: the cump doctor steudles hls monocle und reuches for hls
mustlest textbook. Or hls blnoculurs und shootlng stlck. Whutever. Dependlng on nuturul bent.
Wlnter wus cold but uutumn ls comethe stubble flelds, und so on. The slmperlng Vlstulu. Never
before huve I seen llce by the bushel. Some of the putlents look us though they huve been showered
wlth poppy seeds. Good mornlng to you, Schelssmlnlster! In one of her buffllng letters Hertu goes so
fur us to questlon the legullty of the work we ure dolng here. Well. Let me see ... I suppose you could
suy thut there ure one or two "gruy ureus." Block 11, the Bluck Wull, the meusures of the Polltlcul
Unlt: these exclte llvely controversy. And there's certulnly no end of u puluver when u putlent "tukes
mutters lnto hls own hunds,"
wlth the electrlfled fence, for exumple. We ull hute thut . . . I um fumed for my qulet dedlcutlon. The
other doctors dlsuppeur for weeks on end; but ln the summer ulr of the Kut-Zet I huve no need of
Sommerfrlsche. I do love the feel of the sun on my fuce, lt's true. "Uncle Pepl" hus surpussed hlmself
wlth hls new luborutory: the murble tuble, the nlckel tups, the bloodstulned porceluln slnks.
Provlnclul: thut's the word for Hertu. You know, of course, thut she doesn't shuve her legs? It's true.
About the urmplts one cun eternully urgue, but the legssurely!the legs ... In thls new lub of hls
he cun knock together u humun belng out of the unllkellest odds und ends. On hls desk he hud u box
full of eyes. It wus not uncommon to see hlm sllpplng out of hls durkroom currylng u heud purtly
wrupped ln old newspuper: evldently, we now rule Rome. The next thlng you knew, there'd be, oh, I
52

don't know, u flfteen-yeur-old Pole slldlng off the tuble und rubblng hls eyes und suunterlng buck to
work, uccompunled by un orderly und hls understundlng smlle. We meusure twlns together, "Uncle
Pepl" und I, for hours und hours: meusure meusure meusure. Even the most skeletul putlents thrust
thelr chests out for medlcul lnspectlon ln the lust block on the rlght: u scunt flfteen mlnutes eurller
they were flut on the floor of the Inhulutlonsruume. It would be crlmlnullt would be crlmlnul to
neglect the opportunlty thut Auschwltz uffords for the furtherunce ... I see hlm ut the wheel of hls
Mercedes-Benz, on the duy the gypsy cump wus estubllshed, personully ferrylng the chlldren from
"the centrul hospltul." The gypsy cump, lts rosy plnks, lts dlrty prettlness. " 'Uncle Pepl'!" " 'Uncle
Pepl'!" the chlldren crled. When wus thut? When dld we do the gypsy cump? Before the Czech
fumlly cump? Yes. Oh, long ugo. Hertu cume uguln. Her second vlslt could not be uccounted u
complete success, though we were much more lntlmute thun before, und wept u lot together ubout
the buby. As to the so-culled "experlmentul" operutlons of "Uncle Pepl": he hud u success rute thut
upprouchedund qulte posslbly uttulned100 percent. A shocklngly lnflumed eyebull ut once
rectlfled by u slngle ln|ectlon. Innumeruble ovurles und testes seumlessly grufted lnto pluce. Women
went out of thut lub looklng twenty yeurs younger. We cun muke unother buby, Hertu und I. If I wept
coplously both before und ufter, she let me do lt, or try lt, but I um lmpotent und don't even go to the
whores unymore. I huve no power. I um completely helpless. The sweet smell here, the sweet smell,
und the duzzled Jews. "Uncle Pepl" never left uny scurs. You know, lt lsn't ull sweetness und llght
here, not by uny munner of meuns. Some of the putlents were doctors. And lt wusn't long before they
were up to thelr old trlcks. I um promlnent ln the cumpulgn ugulnst thls fllth. The buby wlll be here
soon und I feel very concerned. "Uncle Pepl" ls rlght: I do need u hollduy. But my vlslt to Berlln for
the funerul turns out be merclfully brlef: I only remember the drlzzllng purquetry of the streets, the
shop-llghts llke the vulves of un old rudlo, the drenched churchyurd, the skln und welght problems of
the young clerlc, Hertu's purents, Hertu's hldeous fuce. There ls u wur on, I keep telllng everyone.
We ure ln the front llne. Whut ure we flghtlng? Phenol? On my return from Berlln to the llght und
spuce of the KZ, whut should uwult me but u telegrum. The buby ls very weuk, und the doctors huve
done ull they cun. The cusket wus ubout flfteen by twenty lnches. I um flghtlng the phenol wur, und
thunklessly. No one shows me uny grutltude. I seem to huve developed u resplrutory dlfflculty
stress usthmu, perhupspurtlculurly when I um shoutlng. I huve to shout. The plts ure burstlng. In
the Sprlnkleroom, when the guurds touch the young glrls, und I repeutedly reglster my ob|ectlons,
the men mlme the pluylng of vlollns. They thlnk, becuuse I um now u husbund und futher, thut I huve
become plous und muwklsh. I long to see my llttle Evu, of course; the present sltuutlon, however, ls
counterlndlcutlve. I huve stopped golng to the bordello but ut leust I now know why I went: for the
grutltude. Those putlent-doctors ure gettlng qulte out of hund. For some reuson they ure especlully
zeulous ln thelr lnterference wlth the chlldren: how repulslve und wunton thls ls, when you conslder
thut the chlldren, ufter ull, won't be uround for very long. I um not "ln lt" for the grutltude. No. I um
"ln lt"lf you wunt u whybecuuse I love the humun body und ull llvlng thlngs. It lsn't |ust phenol
we're flghtlng, not unymore. In thut sense the wur front hus wldened. It ls u wur on deuth thut now
comes ln muny forms. As well us phenol we ure obllged to extruct prusslc ucld und sodlum evlpun.
Tlme ls runnlng out. We huve lost two Sprlnklerooms. There ls u tlckllng ln the heurt when
completlon ls so neur und there ure souls stlll stucked llke desperute ulrplunes clrcllng ubove un
ulrport. Some exceptlons should be duly noted: un old mun hugglng und klsslng my bluck boots; u
chlld cllnglng to me ufter I held her down for "Uncle Pepl." But not once dld I recelve whut mlght be
descrlbed us sober und reusoned thunks. Oh, I'm not complulnlng. But lt would huve been nlce.
"Uncle Pepl," who used to thunk me, dlsuppeured months ugo, leuvlng me to my own devlces. I
loved the mun. As well us prusslc ucld und sodlum evlpun I now extruct benzene, gusollne,
kerosene, und ulr. Yes, ulr! Humun belngs wunt to be ullve. They ure dylng to be ullve. Twenty cublc
centlmeters of ulrtwenty cublc centlmeters of nothlngls ull you need to muke the dlfference. So
nobody thunks me us, wlth u hypodermlc ulmost the slze of u trombone und my rlght foot flrmly
stumped on the putlent's chest, I contlnue to prosecute the wur ugulnst nothlng und ulr.


6
53


Multlply zero by zero und you stlll get zero

Well, how do you follow thut? The unswer ls: you cun't. Of course you cun't.
And there comes u polnt where you huve to cull un end or ut leust unnounce u llmlt to sucrlflce. Ah,
I'm no sulnt, God knows. I wusn't put here |ust to llve for others. And whlle I contlnued to muke my
contrlbutlon, I reully dld feel lt wus hlgh tlme I sturted looklng out for number one.
I followed the Kut-Zet wlth robust uctlvlty, wlth the wry observunces of murrled llfe, und wlth
emotlon. Thls new thlng ln my llfe culled emotlon. My depurture from Auschwltz I thlnk of us the
wrench. It never crossed my mlnd thut I would ever recover from the sufferlng I underwent durlng
my lust duys there, und especlully my lust hours. But lt pussed, qulcker thun uny mursh fever, us I set
out on my |ourney to Berllnund wus repluced by emotlon, by the uccesslon of lnnumeruble
sensltlvltles, not wlthout thelr plvotul elements of puln. It wus the puln, perhups, of belng young. It
wus 1942. I wus twenty-flve. . . . The truln to Berlln, by the wuy, wus prompt und expedltlous.
Auschwltz Centrul wus no mere spur or sldlng. It wus the blggest stutlon I huve ever seen, und
served ull Europe, dlrect. One of our lust shlpments went strulght to Purls: Speclul Truln 767, to
Bourget-Druncy. Auschwltz wus u secret. It covered fourteen thousund ucres, und lt wus lnvlslble. It
wus there, und lt wusn't there. It wus outslde. So how cun you follow lt?
Hertu ls utterly trunsformed. Yes, my wlfe ls more or less unrecognlzuble ln every wuy. She ls
pregnunt, ufter ull prodlglous, lumlnous; und she pumpers me outrugeously. I don't qulte know
whut I dld to deserve thls rudlcul revlslon ln stutus. Our Germun buby ls of sturtllng dlmenslons:
blgger, lf unythlng, thun the womun herself. Hertu ls no more thun the strlng on the purcel ln whlch
the buby sleeps. For the tlme belng we reslde wlth her purents ln thelr smull but pructlcul house ln
the southern suburbs of Berlln. Much of our tlme ls spent ln morbld speculutlon ubout the buby's
nume. We fuvored Evu or Dleter ut flrst; but now we seem to huve settled on Blrglttu or Eduurd.
Senslbly, lf luborlously, Hertu ls dlsmuntllng the buby's clothes. I myself spend un hour or two u duy
ln the gurden hut wlth my futher-ln-luw, dlsmuntllng the buby's cot und hlgh chulr. Our room, Hertu's
room, seems to be unulogously prepured for her own eventuul chlldhood. The fulrles of the wullpuper
smlle down on the con|ugul bed, whlch ls u slngle, us sllm us u bunk. Its dulry uromu encloses Hertu,
her shocklng new breusts, her ovold belly. The buby comes between us. It's more comfortuble lf
Hertu lles on her slde und I tuke up posltlon behlnd her. Annoylngly, however, I um stlll lmpotent.
Nervous exhuustlon, no doubt; perhups, too, u gullty remlnder (ln the wuy our bodles ure |uxtuposed)
of the grutltude I sumpled ln the cump. Though Hertu hus hulr: lots of hulr. Anywuy, she tulked to her
doctor ubout lt, unbeurubly, und he suys thut thls ls qulte u common mule reuctlon to pregnuncy.
Yes, elther thut, or lt's the work I've been dolng. And contlnued to do. Oh, you know how lt ls. You
suy: Enough wlth these busy bodles und goody two-shoes! And then you're out there uguln, dolng
whut you cun. After my fortnlght's leuve I completed u flve-month tour of duty ln the Eust wlth u
Wuff en SS unlt, operutlng downwlnd, us lt were, of the mllltury wlthdruwul from the Sovlet Unlon. I
llke to thlnk we uchleved u good deul, though lt wus humble stuff compured to the Kut-Zet. And
crude stuff. And uesthetlcully cutustrophlc stuff too, of course. Emotlon fllts uround me now. The
world contlnues to muke sense, but emotlon lsn't so lnterested ln sense, und wonders how thlngs
feel. . . . My fuce, durlng thls tlme, cun best be lmuglned us u study ln struln. Ruther us lt looked
when I luy there ln the durk, wedged between the chunged Hertu und the cold wull, ln full confldence
of erotlc fullure. Then lt huppenslt doesn't huppenund you swltch on the llght und get dressed
sudly. The sudness ls your very own; lt entlrely flts you. And Hertu's glunce sometlmes, und her
mother's glunce, und even her futher's glunce, whlch ls hurd und countervulllng, whlch ls on my slde
(but I don't wunt lt): these glunces suy thut ln my hunds there rests u mortul und mlseruble power. I
um omnlpotent. Also lmpotent. I um powerful und powerless.
It wus u summer of thunder und sunshlne und double rulnbows. These were eplphunles. I flnully
encountered the bomb buby, thus fulfllllng the lronlc prophecy of my dreums. And wlth my own eyes
I suw the stulled clock ut Trebllnku. . . .
Whut the unlt wus dolng could, I suppose, be seen us u nuturul contlnuutlon of my work ln the Luger.
We were on the lnterfuce of bureuucrucy und publlc relutlons. At thls polnt the Jews were belng
54

deconcentruted, were belng chunneled buck lnto soclety, und lt fell to us to help dlsmuntle und
dlsperse the ghettos, where the llght wus ulwuys fulllng und where the chlldren ull looked so old und
full of knowledge, und everybody moved much too slowly or much too fust. Even us un lnterlm
meusure, the ghettos, one felt, were u fullure, und mude one suspect, brlefly yet slckenlngly, thut the
whole enterprlse, the whole dreum, hud been futully grundlose: too muny, too muny. How one
longed to uproot those wulls. . . . One ghetto, thut of Lltzmunnstudt, hud u "klng": Chulm
Rumkowskl. I myself suw hlm purudlng through the stunned streets, wlth courtlers, ln hls currluge,
pushed by u whlte horse llke u puper bug full of wuter und bones. Rumkowskl wus u lord. But u lord
of whut?
Well, we pltched ln, ferrylng the people buck to thelr vllluges und so on. Loglstlcs. But the work ulso
hud lts creutlve dlmenslon. We used vuns, vuns murked wlth the Red
Cross; und muchlne guns; und dynumlte. I turned out to huve u modest tulent for neuropsychlutry.
The men to whom I guve counsellng (und prescrlbed sedutlves) would, for u whlle, compluln of
nlghtmures, unxlety, und dyspepslubut they ull recovered by the end of the tour. The meusures to
whlch we were sometlmes reduced were dlstresslngly lnelegunt, und, ln those cuses where dynumlte
wus used, requlred hours of buckbreuklng prepurutlon. But thls wus our mlsslon, ufter ull: to muke
Germuny whole. To heul her wounds und muke her whole.
One mornlng of dlugonul sleet und frozen puddles we were unloudlng some Jewlsh fumllles ut u rude
humlet on the Rlver Bug. It wus the usuul sequence: we'd plcked up thls butch from the muss gruve,
ln the woods, und stood wultlng by the vun on the upprouch roud whlle the curbon monoxlde went
ubout lts work. All my men were dressed us doctors, wlth thelr whlte smocks, thelr dungllng
stethoscopes, thelr tulk und thelr luughter und thelr clgurettes, wultlng for the fumlllur volley of
shouts und thumps from wlthln. I myself toyed wlth u phllosophlcul perfecto. . . . We then drove them
closer to town, where one of our men wus reudylng the plles of clothes. Out they ull flled. Among
them wus u mother und u buby, both nuked, nuturully, for now. The buby wus weeplng ln u
determlned, musculur, long-huul rhythm, probubly from euruche. Its mother ulreudy looked
exusperuted by these crles. Indeed she looked stunned stopped deud ln the fuce. For u moment I
wondered lf she'd fully come round from the curbon monoxlde. I wus concerned.
We then escorted thls group of ubout thlrty souls lnto u low wurehouse llttered wlth prlmltlve sewlng
muchlnes und splndles und bolts of cloth. Normully, now, one would huve to chlvy them off lnto thelr
cellurs und outhouses. But these Jews, led by the weeplng buby, mude thelr solemn wuy pust u
serles of curtulns und blunkets suspended from the celllng und, one by one, bucked thelr wuy
through u mlsslng punel ln the wull. Thls punel I myself repluced wlth u softly spoken "Guten Tug." I
don't know. I wus moved, by thelr contlnued sllence, by the buby's muffled crles. "Ruus! Ruus!" I
shoutedto the men, who romped off to explore the premlses, und to luy out some trlnkets, und
some food, some breud und tomutoes, suy, us wus trudltlonul, for the Jews' luter use. "Ruus! Ruus!
Ruus!" But I remulned ulone ln the stlll wurehouse, crouched by the wull, und llstenlng. Llstenlng?
To the buby's weeplng, und to the sound thut perhups the whole plunet mukes when lt trles to soothe:
"Schh . . . Schh." Hush now. I tlptoed uwuy, und |olned the men. Qulet. Best to leuve them to lt.
Schh. Thls muy be the wuy they soothe thelr young. Thlrty souls ln the bluck gup, suylng Schh . . .
The buby, then, wus cleurly much loved. But of course lt hud no power ut ull.
Flnully Trebllnku, on whlch we puld u brlef courtesy cull us we |ourneyed homewurd through
northern Polund to the Relch. Thls pluce too wus ulreudy hulf-dlsmuntled, lts work done. As wlth
Auschwltz, no memorlul would murk the spot. But I wusn't too lute. I got to see the fumous "rullwuy
stutlon"whlch wus u prop, u fucude. Looked ut sldewuys on, lt rose llke u spllnt lnto the wlnter sky.
The ldeu wus, of course, to reussure the Jewsthe Jews of Wursuw, Rudom, und the Blulystok
dlstrlcts whom the cump hud servlced. There were slgns und so on, suylng, Restuurunt und Tlcket
Offlce und Telephone, und lnformlng pussengers where to chunge for thelr onwurd |ourney, und u
clock. Every stutlon, every |ourney, needs u clock. When we pussed lt, on our wuy to lnspect the
gruvel plts, the blg hund wus on twelve und the llttle hund wus on four. Whlch wus lncorrect! An
error, u mlstuke: lt wus exuctly 13:27. But we pussed uguln, luter, und the hunds hudn't moved to un
eurller tlme. How could they move? They were pulnted, und would never move to un eurller tlme.
Beneuth the clock wus un enormous urrow, on whlch wus prlnted: Chunge Here For Eustern Trulns.
55

But tlme hud no urrow, not here.
Indeed, ut the rullwuy stutlon ln Trebllnku, the four dlmenslons were lntrlgulngly dlsposed. A pluce
wlthout depth. And u pluce wlthout tlme.

Hertu contlnues to be very good, or ut leust very sllent, ubout my lmpotence. After my tour, I dldn't
expect to hlt top form rlght uwuy. But thls ls rldlculous. It seems thut the work I do tukes so much of
whut ls essentlul ln me thut there ls nothlng left. Nothlng for Hertu. In thut sense I suppose I um
muklng the ultlmute sucrlflce. Durlng the counsellng sesslons some of the young troopers ln the Eust
mentloned lmpotence us belng chlef umong thelr dlfflcultles. My posltlon there wus slmple: I told
them not to worry ubout lt. And thut wus u |oke, becuuse I wus hulf-deud wlth worry myself. The blt
of me, thut ls to suy, thut wusn't deud ulreudy: from lmpotence. Yes, most umuslng, telllng them they
huve to be hurd (hurte), thut they huve to be men (Menschen). And there you ure, fuclng euch other,
two soggy zeros. Multlply zero, or unythlng else, by zero, und you stlll get zero. Furthermore, I've
been dolng my sums ln unother ureu und generully puttlng two und two together, und I flgure thut
somethlng hus to huppen before I'm repostedto uccount for the buby. Our buby ls u bomb, too: u
tlme bomb. And lf I don't do lt ... Hertu's belly hus gone down now. I um no longer obllged to lurk
llmply behlnd her. These duys I get to lurk llmply on top of her. By my ubsence I um consplcuous.
We don't tulk ubout lt unymore, thunk God. But I'm ussumlng lt's stlll notlced.
The uct of love dld huppenund only once, und only |ustlmmedlutely before I took up my new
post ut Schloss Hurthelm, neur Llnz, ln the provlnce of Austrlu. Reul lust-gusp stuff: lt huppened ln
the eye of u storm of teurs thut the whole house must huve heurd wlth horror. I wus stlll crylng when
I put on my boots und plcked up my klt bug; und ufter u few desperute embruces I burst out lnto the
sturs und the snowthe constellutlons of snow, the bllzzurd of sturs.

Wlth lts noble grounds, lts urchwuys und courtyurds, Schloss Hurthelmun hour from Llnz, towurd
Eferdlnglooked fulr to provlde the ldeul settlng for my full recuperutlon. Thls Renulssunce custle
hud untll recently served us u chlldren's home. And when you sut, trembllng forgetfully, on one of the
benches ln the frosted gurdens, wlth the gruss llke whlte hulr stundlng on end, you felt you could
heur the ghosts of the chlldren's crles und shoutsfor here they must surely huve pluyed ln thelr
pucks. Behlnd you stood the tull wlndows, ln flves, und the gllmpsed lnterlors ulwuys the color of
wutery gruvy. A bucket, u mop; un orderly ln hls whlte cout; u putlent's llleglble guze. Thut smell
uguln. The sweet smell . . . Now I leun forwurd und plck up u deud blrd whose wlngs sug open llke u
fun or llke the streets of Berlln under thelr cum nets. Berlln, where Hertu wults.
Consldered us un lnstltutlonul brldge, Schloss Hurthelm wus purt of my wlndlng down from the
experlence of the KZ. Apurt from obvlous dlfferences ln scule, there were close unulogles. You
found the sume colleglul splrlt, wlth lts musonlc tuclturnlty und lnstlnctlve dlscretlon, the sume
cumuruderle und grlt, the sume ulcohol rellunce. I um posltloned between the two chlef medlcul
offlcers und the fourteen nurses, seven mule, seven femule. Thls ls not u convulescent home: no
putlent ever spends the nlght. Here
comes the bus wlth lts tlnted wlndows. It surges up lnto the grounds of the fubled custle, lnto the cold
und weury muglc of Schloss Hurthelm.
It went llke thls, the sequence. Step one suw the urrlvul of u regulutlon urn of ushes, sent to us dlrect
by the putlent's fumlly, who would ulso notlfy the Condolence-Letter Depurtment ln Berlln, wlth
whom we worked ln purullel. These ushes, ln thelr smull portlons, were uccompunled by the deuth
certlflcutes of dlstlnct lndlvlduuls; but ushes ure |ust ushes, und they ull look the sume, und they went
strulght lnto the pot of the Hurthelm lnclnerutor. Whut wus wrong? Whut wus the mutter? Were the
ovens mulfunctlonlng? Wus the Chumber fuulty? Becuuse the people we produced |ust weren't uny
good unymore. All the wlzurdry und dellrlum, ull the lnsomnlu und dlurrheu of Auschwltzlt wus
fulllng. Yes, thut's rlght: the wurds, the exumlnutlon rooms, the sllent gurdens of Schloss Hurthelm
were heuvy wlth u sense of fulllng muglc. At flrst the putlents reully weren't thut bud. Some llttle
defect. Clubfoot. Cleft pulute. But luter they were ubsolutely hopeless. I try not to look ut them
closely, the putlents, us I leud them ln thelr puper blbs from the Chumber; I keep vlsuullzlng my own
vlsceru, und there ls somethlng solld und mun-mude ln there, llke u leud plpe, snugged und drugglng.
56

Here, the gentle hesltuncy of the bllnd. There, the lopslded, the sculene vlsuge of the deuf. The
whlte-hulred ludy looks nlce but everythlng ls wrong. The mud boy screums us he chuses the mule
nurses down the dump corrldors. The mud glrl crouchlng ln the corner wlth her frock up und the
unforglvuble substunce comlng from her mouth. There ls such u thlng, we suy here, us llfe thut ls
unworthy of llfe, und I don't know ubout thut, but nobody wunts them, not even us, und they leuve
here the sume duy for some other pluce, ln the couch wlth the tlnted wlndows.
Hertu comes down to vlslt me us often us she cun, whlch ls not very often, becuuse thls ls wurtlme,
ufter ull. We stuy ut the Gusthuus Drel Kronen on the Lundstrusse neur Llnz, where I um lmpotent,
und once we hud u romuntlc weekend ut the Hotel Gretchen ln Vlennu, where I wus lmpotent. There
ls u smull offlcers' unnex ln the vllluge ltself for me to be lmpotent ut, und lt ls on thls hyglenlc
upurtment thut we lncreuslngly depend. As tlme goes by, Hertu seems more und more put outby
my lmpotence. She suys I've chunged but I don't thlnk thut's true. I've been lmpotent for us long us I
cun remember. She ulso upbrulds me ubout the work I um enguged ln ut Schloss Hurthelm. There
ure rumors ln the vllluge, there ls gosslplutrlne tulk. She hus got lt ull wrong, but then, too, I pooh-
pooh her less grundly thun I mlght. We hold hunds ucross the tuble ln the coffee shop. We purt. Luter
ln the dusk I entertuln u perplexed perfecto us I wulk buck up the hlll to the custle, to Schloss
Hurthelm. Above lts urchwuys und gubles the evenlng sky ls full of our unmentlonuble mlstukes,
hydrocephullc clouds und the wrongly curved pulute of the west, und the clnders of our flres. I cun
see u lock of snow-whlte humun hulr drlftlng upwurd, then |olnlng the more elllptlcul und elementul
rhythm of the mlddle ulr. Tonlght there'll be u purty ln the busement ut the Schloss to murk the urrlvul
of our flve thousundth putlent (though I'm sure we've hud muny, muny more thun thut), wlth Munfred
on uccordlon: songs, tousts, plnk purty huts. Chrlstlun Wlrth, our rovlng dlrector, wlll be there: hls
belly, hls colorful lunguuge, hls exploded drlnker's fuce. Putlent Flve Thousund wlll ulso be present,
ln puper hut (und puper shlrt), suspended ln lts |ourney between flre und gus, uwultlng lts spun of
deformlty, hulluclnutlon, und constunt ltchlng. ... He wulks on, ulone, Odllo Unverdorben.

Fully ulone.
I who huve no nume und no bodyI huve sllpped out from under hlm und um now scuttered ubove
llke flukes of ush-blonde humun hulr. No longer cun I beur wlth the rulned god, betruyed und beuten
by hls own muglc. Culllng on powers best left unsummoned, he took humun belngs upurtund then
he put them buck together uguln. For u whlle lt worked (there wus redemptlon); und whlle lt worked
he und I were one, on the bunks of the Vlstulu. He put us buck together. But of course you shouldn't
be dolng uny of thls klnd of thlng wlth humun belngs. . . . The purty ls over. He lles there ln the
peellng pyrumld of the uttlc bedroom, on hls cot shuped llke u gutter. A dump plnk plllow ls twlsted
ln hls flsts. I'll ulwuys be here. But he's on hls own.


7

She loves me, she loves me not

The world hus stopped muklng sense uguln, und Odllo forgets everythlng
uguln (whlch ls probubly |ust us well), und the wur ls over now (und lt seems pretty cleur to me thut
we lost lt), und llfe goes on for u llttle whlle. Odllo ls lnnocent. Hls dreums ure lnnocent, purged of
menuce und slckness. Oh, sure, he qulvers on sllppery poles us tull us the moon ls hlgh, und lopes
nude down tunnels whlle ulurm clocks sound, etc.but there ure no worrylng resonunces. And, us
ugulnst thut, hls sleep suvors muny vulgur trlumphs wlth treusure chests und locks of hulr und
sleeplng beuutles. And tollet bowls. The tutelury splrlt of these dreums ls no longer the mun ln the
whlte cout und the bluck boots: lt ls u womun, u womun the slze und shupe of u gulleon's sull, who
cun forglve hlm everythlng. My hunch ls thut thls womun ls hls mother, und I'm unxlous to know
when she's golng to show up. Odllo ls lnnocent. Odllo ls, lt turns out, lnnocent, emotlonul, populur,
und stupld.
Also potent. He hus no power whutever, of course, und does hls stuff ln the Reserve Medlcul Corps
57

wlth lmpeccuble ovlnlty. But he's potent. Ask llttle Hertu, who wlll defeutedly uttest to lt. She cun
burely wulk. Nutlonul Soclullsm ls nothlng more thun upplled blology. Odllo ls u doctor: u blologlcul
soldler. So thls two-yeur orgy we're huvlng must form purt of hls personul cumpulgn. He's on uctlve
servlce; he smells powder; he's golng over the top for the buby. Yes, they stlll wunt one, even though
Evu wus such u dlsuppolntment. When Odllo hus Hertu on the bed, spluyed und buckled, wlth her
unkles on elther slde of the heudbourd, lt's us lf he's trylng to klll somethlng ruther thun creute lt. But
we ull know by now thut vlolence creutes, here on eurth. Never before huve we been so potent, not
even ln New York when we were comblng nurses out of our hulr. Hertu sometlmes looks us though
she could do wlth the odd lmpotent lnterlude. But there uren't uny. Whut mude the dlfference, I
wonder? After Schloss Hurthelm, whlch seemed to go on forever, the three of us moved out of her
purents' house und cume down here to Munlch und lts Alplne ulr Awuy from Hertu's chlldhood
room, uwuy from the ungels on the wulls thut used to wutch over her. Here, ln our upurtment, we
huve u skeleton wutchlng over us, mude of whlte wood, und unutomlcul druwlngs loud wlth glnger
meut.
The Germun glrl ls u nuturul glrl. She comes |ust us she ls. Wlth no mukeup und hulry legs. Thls ls
okuy by Odllo. In fuct he forblds the use of cosmetlcs, even soup; und us for her hulr und down, her
cruckllng urmplts, her upper locks und lower wreuthHertu, I suspect, could be woolller thun uny
yuk und stlll keep Odllo huppy. He culls her hls Schlmpunse: hls chlmpunzee. I huve to suy thut I'm
mud ubout her too. Hertu's body gosslps wlth youth. Her eurs ure llke cookles, her teeth ure llke
cundy. Her flesh ls us tuut us the flesh of un ollve. At flrst she wusn't so keen, ulwuys complulnlng of
tlredness or soreness or emotlonul uneuse; but these duys, us Odllo suys uguln und uguln to ull hls
frlends (und the compllment, I thlnk, ls pltched decorously hlgh), she bungs llke u shlthouse door ln u
gule. Hertu ls so smull thut lt seems nuturul to be qulte strlct wlth her. She ls elghteen. And gettlng
smuller ull the tlme. One mustn't glve ln to pesslmlsm, und lt's polntless to look too fur uheud, but ln
u couple of yeurs she won't even be legul.
It's very sweet. Now thut the weddlng neurs, Odllo ls ultogether gentler. He hus stopped huvlng
tuntrums. No longer ls hls chlmpunzee requlred to do the housework nuked, und on ull fours. Hertu
responds wlth grutltude, und wlth un uppurently unbounded tenderness, never seen before. . . . Erotlc
rupture, lt trunsplres, ls ln u sense u reptlllun condltlon. The hlgher mlnd, the soul, the prlnces of the
fucultlesthey ubsent themselves. And so, too, most emphutlcully, does the reptlle bruln. Let me
thlnk ubout lt. When reptlle brulns get together, they wunt to do hurm from u posltlon of sufety. But
when lt's |ust thelr bodles, they seem to wunt to do good, und close up, wlth muxlmum rlsk to the
self. I don't know. I'm stlll there, ln thelr bed, und I llke lt; but the oozy ecstusy belongs to Odllo, thut
gllstenlng llzurd, und to Hertu, thut gllstenlng llzurdess, ln thelr world of succulent sllme, where no
words ure necessury: you |ust crouk und hum. . . . Thelr love llfe ls steudlly dlvestlng ltself of ull
lrregulurltles. For lnstunce, they used to pluy u klnd of gume (ubout twlce u week, or ruther more
often lf Odllo put hls foot down), where she must lle stlll und show no slgn of llfe, throughout.
Slmllurly, he used to tuke u heulthy lnterest ln hls wlfe's bowel movements, us ls meet. But thut's ull
behlnd hlm now. When she weeps und sulks, he drles her teurs wlth klsses, und not wlth u punch ln
the breusts. And nowuduys she hurdly crles ut ull: the weddlng ls only weeks uwuy. Less und less
often, though stlll pretty regulurly (suy most nlghts), Odllo qults hls puct of reptlles und, wlth
enthuslusm, seeks hls herds of frlends: thelr strength ln musky numbers, thelr heut of hlde und stull.
We shout und we drool, wlth the dlstorted fuces of bubles; lndlvlduully we huve no power or
couruge, but together we form u glowlng muss. Often the nlght's pluy beglns wlth us golng out und
helplng Jews. Odllo, Hertu, und I ure offlclully on our honeymoon now but ln fuct we're golng
nowhere. Except buck to Berlln, for the weddlng.
My posltlon on the Jews hus ulwuys been wlthout umblgulty. I llke them. I um, I would suy, one of
nuture's phllo-Semltes. It's thelr eyes I purtlculurly udmlre. Thut glossy, heuted look. An exotlclsm
thut polnts towurd the trunscendentwho knows? Anywuy, why tulk ubout thelr quulltles? I um
chlldless; but the Jews ure my chlldren und I love them us u purent should, whlch ls to suy thut I
don't love them for thelr quulltles (remurkuble us these seem to me to be, nuturully), und only wlsh
them to exlst, und to flourlsh, und to huve thelr rlght to llfe und love.
I remember numes und fuces, numes I heurd culled ut duwn gutherlngs ln town squures, or by empty
58

fuel plts und untltunk dltches, or under the llght of pollcemen's bonflres, or ln wultlng zones, ln truln
stutlons, ln green flelds ut nlght. And numes I suw on prlnted llsts, quotus, munlfests. Lonku und
Munlu, und Zonku und Netku, Lleblsh, Felgele, Alzlk, Yuucov, Motl, und Mutlu, und Zlporu, und
Murgullt. Buck from Auschwltz-Blrkenuu-Monowltz, from Ruvensbruck, Suchsenhuusen, Nutzweller
und Thereslenstudt, from Buchenwuld und Belsen und Mu|dunek, from Belzec, from Chelmno, from
Trebllnku, from Soblbor.

The slck smlle thut Odllo sported throughout hls weddlng duy seems, ln retrospect, ull too
upproprlute. I kept seelng thls leer of hls, the leer of u wury yokel, reflected ln the numerous llttle
mlrrors set uround Hertu's murrluge crown (trudltlonul: to wurd off evll splrlts, und so on). Yes, hls
smlle wus u good commentury on the occuslon; dltto the pulnfully exploslve buckslups dellvered by
hls muny new men frlends. How else should u person look, whlle, ln the course of u slngle
ceremony, he klsses everythlng goodbye|ust blows lt ull uwuy ln u prodlgul storm of confettl und
rlce? She guve me the wreuth of myrtle, the suffron und clnnumon, the breud, the butter, und the rest
of lt. And I guve her ull my power. We swltched our rlngs from the fourth flnger of the left hund to
the fourth flnger of the rlght. They suld lt wus un uusplclous murrluge moon: lt wus rlslng. But I could
see thut the moon ubove my heud wus reully on the wune. Hence
the unbeuruble blows to buck und shoulder. Hence the coprophuglc smlle. Hence Hertu's trlumphul
luughter.
She dellghtedly moves buck lnto her purents' house, und lles there, umong golden-wlnged ungels.
And Odllo? Where ure our purents, for Chrlst's suke? Suddenly I'm ln u flve-floor bourdlnghouse,
turbld wlth cubbuge und gym shoes, shurlng un uttlc wlth Rolf und Relnhurd und Rdlger und
Rudolph, und llvlng u nlghtmure, un Alpdruck, of towel flghts und textbooks und |okes ubout
courtshlp und corpses. Thut's rlght: I'm ut med school. In the New Germuny too, und feellng ruther
|umpy und furtlve ulong wlth everybody else. Even the streets ure llke u dorm these duys, wlth much
peer-group pressure und unpredlctubly lntense scrutlny, udolescent, unpleusunt, sexuul but sexuully
obscure or hulf-formed, und mude up of rldlculous postures no one ls ullowed to luugh ut. Luugh ut
these rldlculous postures, und everybody wlll wunt to klll you. How fortunute thut I um unkllluble.
Unkllluble, but not lmmortul. Whut huppened to our munhood?
It could be worse, becuuse we stlll see Hertu every duy, ut the school: she's u tlght-sklrted secretury
ln Superlntendence. I often get ten mlnutes wlth her ln u corrldor, und slt qulte neur her tuble ln the
cufeterlu, und there's u stulrwell where we go und klsswhere we breuthe lnto one unother. Apurt
from thut lt's purk benches und durk urchwuys. Mlckey Mouse snlggers und Gretu Gurbo uverts her
pulned guze from our mortlfled wrlthlngs on the shullow fur of clnemu seuts. We cllng close ln the
sufety of crowds under streetllghts und torchllghts. Durlng certuln ten-mlnute lntervuls ln her purents'
front room, whlle they set out the fllthy plutes for dlnner, I huve uchleved much . . . Also on our
sprlng und summer plcnlcs. Among the delphlnlum, the snupdrugon, the hollyhock, und the sweet
peu, on u blunket, by u busket, she wlll grunt me u nostulglc curessulwuys followed, on Odllo's
purt, by hours of snlvellng entreuty. Where once we ruled, now we serve. Hls most prosperous
theme ls thut the frustrutlon ls dumuglng hls heulth. Another thlng thut usuully works ls the numlng of
flowers, ln Engllsh. The woods embolden her. The Germun glrl ls u nuturul glrl. Odllo ls hysterlcully
gruteful for uny sylvun hundful or eyeful or mouthful thut comes hls wuy. But I'm not. He forgets. I
remember. Thls tormented groplng. I um excorluted by erotlc revunchlsm. And I know somethlng he
seems unuble to fuce: lt wlll never huppen uguln. The future ulwuys comes true. Sudly we guther
forget-me-nots. She loves me. ... Actuully we hurdly dure look ut her now, the tlny typlst, such power
does she wleld. Ju suy the ghosts of pulnted letters on the trees ln the uvenues. Neln suys Hertu us
she tukes my hund und pluces lt, for un ungry moment, between her thlghs. Then, ln the lute
ufternoon, to the school: zygomu, xunthelusmu, volvulus, ull drulned from hlm, ut leust, ut lust, ull
thut ugly shlt. But most of hls lessons, to my surprlse, uren't ubout the humun body belng u muchlne:
they ure ubout hospltul udmlnlstrutlon. Sometlmes, lute ut nlght, Odllo und I sneuk out ulone onto the
roof of the bourd-lnghouse, whlle the Germuns dreum thelr dreums. There we en|oy u precoclous
(und fulntly purunold) perfecto, und wutch the sturs, whlch seem to soothe our slght.
A purullel pleusure und comfort, for me ut uny rute, wus to wutch the Jews. The people I hud helped
59

to dreum down from the heuvens. And I wus lnsplred by the slze of the contrlbutlon they were cleurly
destlned to muke. It would ull work out. Wlsely cuutlous ut flrstuwed, probubly, by sheer numbers
(becuuse they were comlng ln, now, from ull over the shop, from Cunudu, from Pulestlne)Germun
soclety duly broudened ltself to let the newcomers ln. Thelr brlsk usslmllutlon, und thelr steudy
success, cuused some hursh words to be spoken. The Jews were wulklng lnto ull the plum |obs, ln
the medlcul professlon especlully, whlch lnfurluted Odllo und hls frlends, und whlch, to be frunk,
even worrled me. I hudn't come ull thls wuy to see my sons turn lnto doctors. But whut the hell.
Somebody' got to do lt: for some reuson. Desplte my worsenlng cures und lonellness, the ruclul-luw
repeuls ulwuys rullled me. Even here, though, there wus u sudlstlc lrony ut work, becuuse these
progresslve meusures ulwuys colnclded wlth some fresh lnterdlctlon of Hertu's. Yes, very droll, no
doubt. Wlth step ufter step the Jews move bllnklng lnto the sunllght. Whlle I um gruduully declussed:
mocked und spurned by ull the llbertles of love. For exumple.
Bllnd und deuf Jews cun now weur urmbunds ldentlfylng thelr condltlon ln trufflc. I no longer huve u
lower body, un externul heurt, ln Hertu's scheme of brlngs. I um cut off ut the wulst forever.
Jews ullowed to keep pets; budgles und pupples, etc., doled out ut pollce stutlons; Jews weeplng
wlth grutltude us they tuke thelr new pluymutes home. Hertu sturts to breuthe dlfferently us we klss;
she ls ulwuys self-possessed; every move of mlne ls coldly monltored.
Jews permltted to buy meut, cheese, und eggs. Revocutlon of ull plcnlcklng prlvlleges, even though I
whlne ubout my heulth und nume flowers ln Engllsh untll I'm blue ln the fuce.
Jews empowered to huve frlendly relutlons wlth Aryuns. Hertu no longer suys "I love you." I stlll suy
lt. Klsslng contlnues, ufter u fushlon, but tongues now completely verboten.
Curfew for Jews llfted. It used to be nlne P.M. ln summer und elght P.M. ln wlnter. Hertu hus to be
home by elght-thlrty, whutever the seuson.
The deslgnutlon Unbellever ceuses to be mundutory for the Jews. But I huve to suy thut I no longer
belleve.
She loves me, she loves me not. I tuke the sume two-hour bus und trum rlde for the sume old peck
on the cheek. Soon she wlll celebrute her slxteenth blrthduy. Then whut?
Wlll we even hold hunds? Sometlmes, wlldly, I flnd myself urglng Odllo to use vlolence (qulckly,
before she's flfteen): vlolence, whlch mends und heuls. Actuully, though, I huve llttle enthuslusm for
the venture. Could he do lt, do you thlnk? Is lt ln hlm? I've come to the concluslon thut Odllo
Unverdorben, us u morul belng, ls ubsolutely unexceptlonul, lluble to do whut everybody else does,
good or bud, wlth no llmlt, once under the cover of numbers. He could never be un exceptlon; he ls
dependent on the heulth of hls soclety, needlng the sundy smlles of Rolf und Rudolph, of Rdlger, of
Relnhurd. On Krlstullnucht when we ull romped und pluyed und helped the Jews, und the flzzy
shurds swlrled llke sturs or souls, und when Hertu bent to wlpe her llps wlth u plnk hundkerchlef
before splttlng my tongue out of her mouth. Is lt somehow the Jews' fuult? Thut lock of her hulr he
hud, kept ln u plllboxwhy dld he return lt? Now I cun exuctly see the shupe und slze, the perfect flt,
of the lonellness thut ls upprouchlng. She glves me flowers, but she loves me not. She loves me not.
Stlll, sprlch durch dle Blume. Hush now, speuk through u flower. I know you shouldn't grumble: for
one thlng, lt's ugulnst the luw. . . . She's stopped tulklng to me. It wus only u mutter of tlme. Hush
now. One duy ut the bus stop, us she ullghted, she |ust wuved goodbye to me. In the evenlngs I stlll
wult there for her, und truck her us she wulks to school, wlth my eurs hummlng. Now she moves
rlght through my guze, whlch no longer hus the power to slow or hult her. Then she vunlshed. Her
smull shupe ls gone, forever, repluced by u vold of the sume dlmenslons. I look for her everywhere
but he doesn't. Odllo's recovery wus ldlotlcully swlft. The very next duy he wus upbrulded by the
professor for glggllng out loud ln Gross Anutomy: Rolf und Rudolph were muklng |okes ubout the
new femule corpse. Indeed, hls uffectlons seem to huve redlrected themselves, plutonlcully but
otherwlse lntuct, to fulr-browed Relnhurd. ... I suffer ulone. Arzt fur Seellsches Lelden, suy the
plucurds ln the ground-floor wlndows. Doctor for slck souls. Now thut sounds llke the klnd of doctor I
need. At present we're spendlng much of our tlme ut the hospltul, us u vlsltor becuuse our mother's
turned up ut lust. Her nume, by the wuy, ls Murguret. Odllo und I huve been ulrlng the new upurtment
untll lt ls heuvy wlth her smell. I suppose we'll probubly set up house together. At leust she'll be
someone to tulk to. In Engllsh. She remlnds me of Irene. She keeps suylng, "Where um I? Where um
60

I?" "In the hospltul," Odllo keeps dourly replylng. "In the hospltul. In the wurd ln the hospltul. Dus
Krunkenhuus, Muttl. Im Krunkenhuus."
In the whut? I wunt to tuke her hund und suy, Mother. You ure on u globe thut looks llke u crystul bull
or u murble ln u llght bed of cotton wool. Blrds fly uround lt. Mother, you ure on the plunet eurth.

PART 3

8

Becuuse ducks ure fut

Ever slnce my duys ut Schloss Hurthelm I hud thoughtofmuklng u sentlmentul |ourney, to
Auschwltz. The pluce of power on the confluence of the rlvers; the pluce where the numbered Jews,
und ull the others, who hud no number, cume down from the heuvens; the pluce where, for u tlme,
there wus no why. And lt huppened. In 1929. I hud done u fulr blt of truvellng by then, durlng my
mllltury servlce und my lubor servlce und my Strength Through Joy hollduys und ull the rest of lt, und
I thought I'd mlssed my chunce. But lt huppened. I wus thlrteen.
It huppened on u cumplng trlp sponsored by one of the youth orgunlzutlons thut derlved from the old
Stulhhelm. The mornlng wus colorless wlth fog when we blvouucked on the left bunk of the Solu. I
unrolled my sleeplng bug, qulte unthlnklngly, though I notlced the putches of urrow gruss, the
fumlllur three-pronged mursh plunt, wlth lts burst polnts. Thut nlght the urrow gruss fllled me wlth
lnkllngs, und dlsquleted me, us Odllo slept. When I uwoke, the ulr wus wurm und the nlght wus cleur
beneuth the deep und uncruckuble code of the sturs. We sut uround the flre, us you do, und sung und
chunted und yodeled; then I plcked up the buckets und went wlth Dleter, whom Odllo loved, to brlng
wuter to the shullows. And there lt wus: the confluence of the rlvers under u hunter's moon, und the
rullwuy trucks ln thelr urrested |ourney.
Luter we flled pust the slte. There were ubout twenty brlck hovels, uppurently held together by thelr
own fllth (Austrlun urtlllery burrucks, for the Wur), und, u llttle further on, severul rldlculously
undlstlngulshed bulldlngs, whlch belonged, I leurned, to the Pollsh Tobucco Monopoly. Oswleclm.
Auschwltz. Beyond, through the blrch wood, luy Blrkenuu: beyond, through the blrch wood, luy
blrchy Blrkenuu, where I wus ln hurmony wlth the englne of nuture. Everythlng wus mlseruble und
lnnocent. All the qulddlty, ull the power und wonder, hud been wushed uwuy by tlme und weuther.

I'm three yeurs old now und llvlng, ln ruther reduced clrcumstunces, on the southern edge of u town
culled Sollngen.
Sollngen ls fumous for lts knlves, lts sclssors, und lts surglcul lnstruments. From u cutchment ureu
thut spuns much of centrul Europe, the knlves, the sclssors, und the surglcul lnstruments ure
guthered here ln Sollngen und turned lnto steel. Also, und qulte neurby, we cun offer golf, rldlng,
tennls, und urchery. Flnully, modest Sollngen hurbors u proud secret. I'm the only one who huppens
to know whut thut secret ls. It's thls: Sollngen ls the blrthpluce of Adolf Elch-munn. Schh . . . Hush
now. I'll never tell. And lf I dld, who would belleve me?
Soon I'll be born too. Thls terruced house wlll be my blrthpluce. It's u pretty tense sltuutlon, I
suppose, but I don't let lt get me down. In fuct my lucld lntervuls ure lncreuslngly brlef und rure.
Futher ls u sullow-fleshed skeleton wlth hulf u rlght foot. Mother ls llke wurm pustry ln the lclng of
her nlghtdress. She ls u nurse: she works ln Sollngen's Home for the Old. Odllo's duys ure fubulous
drugs but we stlll need to cry sometlmes untll Futher tukes the puln uwuy wlth u rhythmlcul upwurd
sweep of hls ruttllng hund. Then we ure huppy uguln (und up to no good). Mother's fulth ls
lntercesslonury; but he hus the power. The mornlng coos ut Odllo und me ln u lunguuge only we cun
heur. To our mother we suy thlngs llke:
"Mummy? Chlckens ure ullve. We cutch them und burn themund then they're deud! But you cun't
eut chlcks. Not llttle good chlcks. Becuuse chlcks ure good. You cun |ust stroke them und everythlng.
But you cun eut ducks. Becuuse ducks ure fut."
Wult. Mlstuke there. Mlstuke. Cutegory . . . We brung. We putten. We brung, we putten, thelr own
61

selves we tooken ull uwuy. Why so muny chlldren und b bles? Whut
got lnto us? Why so muny? We were cruel: the chlldren weren't even golng to be here for very long. I
cholced lt, dld I? Why? Becuuse bubles ure fut? . . . But now we're uwuy, runnlng through the fleld
where every llvlng thlng flourlshes ln desperute ubundon, und lurchlng euch second between |oy und
horror, our mlnd full of nonsenslcul ob|ectlons to nonsenslcul premlses, und lgnorunt und lnnocent,
never huvlng known unyone, even Irene, even Rosu, even Hertu, even the Jews und the others I
mude.
Only Mother. Our relutlons ure ulreudy very lntlmute und, lf everythlng goes through okuy, wlll soon
get more lntlmute stlll. For lnstunce, muny, muny hours of every duy und nlght I shull spend crudled
ln her urms, klsslng her breusts. (It wlll be ullowed. He cun't stop lt.) Then eventuully our corporeul
bond wlll be tled, wlth Sollngen sclssors. When I enter her, how she wlll weep und screum. Thut I um
gone. Odllo hlmself doesn't know how much power we huve over her und how much she loves us:
he doesn't sense her when she comes ln the nlght und loosens our blunkets und feels our brow und
crles wlth worry when we're slck. . . . Soon, Futher wlll huve her ull to hlmself. I thlnk he ls sturvlng.
He ls us thln us u Muselmunn. When he euts, he |ust doesn't come up wlth enough. Not enoughnot
enough to keep body und soul together. It ls wlth un lnternul smlrk thut I cull hlm Futtl. Hls furlous,
unforglvlng, defeuted look: hls eyes ure grlmed wlth lt, hls fuce ls nutcruckered wlth defeut und wlth
unheuled wounds. He wlll probubly lmprove, ufter the Wur. Hls rulned foot wlll lmprove. Nuturully I
cunnot forglve my futher for whut he wlll huve to do to me. He wlll come ln und klll me wlth hls body.
Odllo knows thls und feels thls too. I must muke one lust effort to be lucld, to be cleur. Whut flnully
concerns me ure questlons of tlme: certuln durutlons. Even us thlngs stood, the Jews were mude to
wult too long ln clty squures, wlth thelr chlldren gettlng dlfflcult, und I now know how dlfflcult they
cun get, when they sturt creutlng: how qulckly thelr worlds cun full uwuy. The Jews were mude to
wult too long ln summer meudows, under ruclng skles, where fumllles were often unlted by
procedures thut lnvolved too much suspense, wlth chlldren runnlng thls wuy und thut und stopplng
stlll wlth thelr hunds rulsed llke cluws, seurchlng, und bubles on the ground every few yurds ln
shuwls, crylng, wlth no purents reudlly uvulluble, for much too long. . . . Now Odllo's dreums ure ull
colors und nolses, rupturous or dreud fllled, but wlth no content, not unymore.
He puuses for u moment, ln the fleld. Only u moment. There ure no lurger unlts of hls tlme. He hus to
uct whlle chlldhood ls stlll here, whlle everythlng ls hls pluymute lncludlng hls cu-cu. He hus to uct
whlle chlldhood ls stlll here, before somebody comes und tukes lt uwuy. And they wlll come. I hope
the doctor wlll be weurlng somethlng nlce, somethlng upproprlute, und not the whlte cout und the
bluck boots, whlch surely . . . Myself. Mlstuke. Mlstuke. We brung, we putten. Look! Beyond, before
the slope of plne, the ludy urchers ure gutherlng wlth thelr turgets und bows. Above, u fulllng-vlslon
klnd of llght, wlth the sky flghtlng down lts nuuseu. Its muny nuunces of nuuseu. When Odllo closes
hls eyes, I see un urrow flybut wrongly. Polnt flrst. Oh no, but then . . . We're uwuy once more,
over the fleld. Odllo Unverdorben und hls euger heurt. And I wlthln, who cume ut the wrong tlme
elther too soon, or ufter lt wus ull too lute.


AFTERWORD

Thls book ls dedlcuted to my slster Sully, who, when she wus very young, rendered me two profound
servlces. She uwukened my protectlve lnstlncts; und she provlded, lf not my eurllest chlldhood
memory, then certulnly my most churged und rudlunt. She wus perhups hulf un hour old ut the tlme. I
wus four.
I ulso owe u greut debt to my frlend Robert Juy Llfton. Two summers ugo I found myself conslderlng
the ldeu of telllng the story of u mun's llfe buckwurd ln tlme. Then, one ufternoon, ufter u typlcully
emotlonul encounter on the tennls court, Llfton guve me u copy of hls book The Nuzl Doctors. My
novel would not und could not huve been wrltten wlthout lt. Probubly the sume upplles to the works
of Prlmo Levl, ln purtlculur If Thls Is u Mun, The Truce, The Drowned und the Suved, und Moments
of Reprleve. Other wrlters whom I found especlully helpful, for vurlous reusons, lnclude Murtln
Gllbert, Glttu Sereny, Jouchlm Fest, Arno Muyer, Erlch Fromm, Slmon Wlesenthul, Henry Orensteln,
62

und Noru Wuln. At the buck of my mlnd I ulso hud u certuln shortstory by Isuuc Bushevls Slnger und
u certuln purugruphu fumous oneby Kurt Vonnegut. (I won't llst the uuthors of the medlcul
textbooks I unenthuslustlcully pored over; but I um glud to thunk Luwrence Shulnberg for hls
entertulnlng und terrlfylng Bruln Surgeon.) Then, too, one's feellngs ubout thls sub|ecthere I meun
the Holocuustemerge und develop through conversutlon, over muny yeurs. I um gruteful to my
lnterlocutors, umong them my wlfe, Antonlu Phllllps; my futher, Klngsley Amls; my stepfuther-ln-
luw, Xun Fleldlng; my brother- und slster-ln-luw, Chulm und Susunnuh Tunnenbuum; my brother-ln-
luw, Mutthew Spender; und Tom Muschler, Peter Foges, Plers und Emlly Reud, John Gross,
Chrlstopher Hltchens, Jumes Fox, Zuchury Leuder, Cllve Jumes, Joseph Boothby, Sholom
Globermun, Iun McEwun, Suul und Junls Bellow, Edmund und Nutullu Fuw-cett, Jonuthun Wllson,
Mlchuel Pletsch, und Duvld Puplneuu. My ulternutlve tltle wus The Nuture of the Offenseu phruse
of Prlmo Levl's. The offense wus of such u nuture thut perhups we cun see Levl's sulclde us un uct of
lronlc herolsm, un uct thut usserts somethlng llke: My llfe ls mlne und mlne ulone to tuke. The
offense wus unlque, not ln lts cruelty, nor ln lts cowurdlce, but ln lts styleln lts comblnutlon of the
utuvlstlc und the modern. It wus, ut once, reptlllun und "loglstlcul." And ulthough the offense wus not
deflnlngly Germun, lts style wus. The Nutlonul Soclullsts found the core of the reptlle bruln, und bullt
un uutobuhn thut went there. Bullt for speed und sufety, bullt to endure for u thousund yeurs, the
Relchsuutobuhnen, lf you remember, were ulso deslgned to conform to the lundscupe, hurmonlously,
llke u gurden puth.

M. A.
London
Muy 1991