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Togetherness in Marriage
By
Dr. T.B. Neil, Ph.D., DD, RFM, CFLE
Copyright Dr. T.B. Neil, August 2002
ISBN 0-9731992-0-2
Printed in Canada
Genesis Institute
PO Box 5634, Ft. McMurray, Alberta, Canada T9H 3G6
E-mail: genesis.institute@shaw.ca
Website: ab-biz.com/tabernacleofpraise
Affiliation
Expression
Career
Accommodation
Logic
Dependence
Autonomy
Instrumental
Family
Assertiveness
Emotion
Power
Female
Male
Struggles
Table of Contents
Disengaged
Family
Cohesive Family
Fused Family
Friction Family
Society's Impact
Appendix 2
Family Circles
Connected
Family
Flow of
Historical Time
Family of
Origin
His
The Marriage
Family Circles.......................................................................................................50
50
q
q
q
q
q
q
q
Secret Concerns
Female partner's concerns
Male partner's priorities
No help shopping
q Two pay checks
No time for outdoor activities q Freedom of time
No holidays
q Growing in love
No time to go to the park
q Satisfying each other
No time for amusement
q Staying intimate
No time for sports
No devotion to us
Finding the right person to live with is not our goal. The goal is
tactics used to stay married. Mate retention without abuse,
misuse, or violence is the target. Each spouse valuing the other
and desiring their marriage to remain intact.
Tactics could include:
1. Mate attractiveness
2. Likeness of fidelity
3. Emotional support
4. Keeping appearance interesting
5. Economic stability
Individual differences in personality can be a starting point to
identify why one rejects the other. Understanding why people
leave or why they stay in a long-term relationship.
Some men see bonding as a trap, women see it as attachment. The
difference can lead to anxieties. Women need bonding to feel
fulfilled; men need detachment to feel
fulfilled.
Men and women each value love
equally but differ in ways of
achieving intimacy. It leaves women
confused and emotionally unhappy.
What men called trapped, women call
bonding. Men desire autonomy and
women desire intimacy. The clash is
evident.
Men do not talk about their feelings
as women do.
Men talk about
48
q
q
q
q
q
q
q
q
q
Too often both feel hurt enough and obliged to defend their gender.
Couples rarely discuss how interest, relationship, role, finance and
other important marital issues are to be handled until there is a
crisis. It is assumed both have competence in all vital domains and
are ready to carry on the business of meeting needs and
expectations. However, the promise of a smooth future rarely
materializes in marriage.
q
q
q
q
q
q
q
q
q
q
q
q
q
q
q
q
Secret Concerns
Female partner's concerns
Male partner's priorities
Having children a pain
q Career satisfaction
Fun-out and hasslein
q Leisure past times
Burdened and bothered
q Hobbies
One-sided responsibility
q Fun
Resentful of having to work q Sleep
Devoting time
q Sex
Spouse drifting apart
q Night outs
Pushed to the limit
q Friends
Nuisances
q Image maintenance
Transition conflicts
q Pay checks
Expenses
q Position on the job
Hurting in silence
q Freedom from annoyance
Wife doing all the work
q Time for social events
Divided house
q Exercising
Being adversaries
q Recognition
Controlling spouse
q Freedom of
movement for
One-sided routine
socializing
Pushed to the limit
q Togetherness
Belittled
q Keeping romance alive
Unequal housekeeping
q Not burdened with child care
q Self development
expectations
Drifting apart
q Opportunity to shop leisurely
Not available for me and the q Doing things with friends
q Visit the beach
children
Children viewed as a
q Go to festivals
q Visit to parks
hindrance
Sleep deficit
q Time for amusement
No recognition
q Sports together
Hard work
q Frequent vacations
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