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The Pittiful News

P I T T I F UL NEW S.C OM

FEBURARY 24, 2012 V O LU M E 5 I S SU E 6

KIVA HAN CLOSING SPAWNS IRONIC DEMONSTRATION

SOPHIA TABORSKI senior writer
PITTSBURGHIn light of local coffee shop and hipster watering hole Kiva Hans closing this past Sunday, February 19th, its usual clientele recognized the occasion in characteristic ironic fashion: by partying it up at Starbucks on Forbes Ave. Auspicious crowds sporting plaid shirts, large thick non-prescription glasses and unruly facial hair have flooded the venue, causing a ten point jump in Starbucks stock this week due to such an economically blessed new customer base. We were getting worried that our chain was losing popularity, says CEO and chairman of Starbucks Howard Schultz. Theres a zip code in northern Alaska that only has three locations. But the sudden success of our Oakland location has buoyed our spirits. In fact, it gave our board the confidence we needed to proceed with our South Pole contingent. Starbucks affiliates are not the only ones benefiting from Kiva Hans departure. Hipsters everywhere are branching out from their Tearjerker tapes, Apple products, and patchwork messenger bags. Some have even ditched discussions of the Indonesian meditation, postmodernist angst, and Gilles Deleuze for mainstream pop culture chats. Theres just something so refreshing about talking to someone who complains about the Grammies going down the tube since Bonny Bear won Best New Album, blithely unaware that For Emma came out in 2007, says Sunshine Powers, trianglist of the band Circumpolar Parallax. Really, I dont understand why we feel the need to overtly separate ourselves from people with such nuanced concerns and deep music tastes. Seriously, how ironic is it to listen to all the top 40 hits? But Kiva Han addicts are at Starbucks for more than just the ambiance. The coffee is to die for. Burning the roof of your mouth just adds to the superior quality of the beans, notes Ima Bscure. Not to mention how well the mainstream logo is the perfect ironic touch to my Jukebox the Ghost never-been-washed T-shirt and handme-down loafers.
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N EW K NICK G ETS E- L IN MINATED

L IN - CRED IBLE Jeremy Lins robot identity was revealed at the January 20th Knicks home game.
CHRISS SON staff writer NEW YORKStartling news has sprung from this controversial photo taken from the New York Knicks home game on January 20th. Jeremy Lin, the inspiration for Linspiration, has been revealed to be a robot. I knew it was too good to be true, comments Annie Xien, a once-zealous follower of the Lin-craze that had engulfed the Asian community, I understood the brainy part, and even accepted the brawn, but height? No Asian can grow that tall naturally. Speaking of the brains, the creator of this tremendous triple-threat was revealed last night to be John Lin of Harvard University. John Lin, a fifth-year mechanical-engineering major refused the Pittiful News a comment, however, a thorough linvestigation revealed John Lins long-time obsession with basketball. His love crippled only by his inability to actually play; John is a quadriplegic. The now ex-Knicks player, Jeremy Lin, was kicked out of the NBA due to regulation 41b which states: No Robots. As for John Lins sentencing, a court hearing will be held in the following coming weeks. The serious charges hold for him as a twisted sort of impersonation. A shame, considering just a week before his sudden downfall, Jeremy Lin had recently been climb-

ing the social latter even within pop-culture. A trend marked by the date invitation sent by none-other recentlymarried/recently-divorced Kim Kadashian. Her linvitation was denied with a straight forward statement from robot Jeremy Lin: Im not that type of guy. It makes, like, total sense, The pop-culture sensation bats her eyes precariously. Like, Ive watched that SciFi channel once before. Robots cant love. This sudden downfall can only be compared to Joe Paternos shameful spiral of disgrace. One can only imagine what was running through John Lins mind when creating this freak-of-nature Frankenstein. D IN THIS ISSUE page 2 nordenberg addresses sh*tty memes cobra starship comes at pitt page 3 bracketing for success phantom menace 3d nominations briefs with the chief page 4 congress takes ecstasy turkish minister recognizes armenia online darwin in my toaster strudel the pittsburgh hunger games

THE PITTIFUL NEWS

FEBRUARY 24, 2012

COBRA STARSHIP COMES AT PITT

WILLS BUTLER senior writer
PITTSBURGHIn a moment of true budget clarity, Pitt has decided to bring synth-pop group Cobra Starship to the upcoming Bigelow Bash. With money being as tight as it is, it truly is important occasionally to splurge on single-day events with no revenue. Cobra Starship is a five person band originally hailing from New York, New York. Languishing in obscurity until 2006, their hit single Snakes on a Plane (Bring It) on their debut album While the City Sleeps, We Rule the Streets, which was eerily accurate in its name. Peaking at 32 on Billboards Modern Rock Charts, this truly showed that they could rule the streets, so long as there was no one else around to challenge them. Interestingly, before making this album, the leadsinger/bassist Gabe Saporta took a vision quest into the deserts of Arizona to get really high on peyote. When he came back, after experiencing the wilderness in a way few truly do, he came to the conclusion that this album must be a no-risk synth-pop set piece. It was entirely the doing of the record label management (owned by my personal crush, Pete Wentz) that set the band up to write a song for what was a fantastic and well-received hit film, Snakes on a Plane. After this catapult into the limelight, Cobra Starship went on tour to capitalize on their already grandiose success. Viva La Cobra! was released a year later in 2007, described by some as 11 tracks of unabashed party jams, full of big hooky electropop, super-produced guitar crunch and the occasional T-Pain-style vocoder thrown in for good measure. Others preferred to take the following outlook: 11 tracks of cookie-cutter party-jams, full of predictable synth and rhythm parts, over-EQd guitars, and that annoy-

Bad, itself peaking at number 7 on the Billboard Hot 100. - Night Shades; To the surprise of all their avid fans, this album also received not a single award, excepting of course the card Gabe Saporta received from his mother, informing him that he was: my little rock star! Im so proud of you baby; I bought a bunch of copies to use as coasters! Ive even sent you a little ribbon I found at the dollar store that says: Youre My Number 1! Love you Pookie! Topped off with another three star review from Rolling Stone, clearly they have hit their prime. The point is that while programs like the collegiate readership program can spark debate, and tuition hikes are in the works for both in and out of state students, Pitt keeps its eye on the prize by paying ridiculous totally reasonable sums of money to get mediocre totally excellent bands to come and play at Bigelow Bash. Consider that some non-Undergrad students might potentially pick up the papers not meant for them! A free concert outdoors clearly doesnt have that problem. It isnt as though Pittsburgh is full of talented musicians who would put on excellent shows for a fraction of the cost; other than Christina Aguilera, Art Blakey, Kenny Clarke, Nathan Davis, Esteban, Girl Talk, Wiz Khalifa, Dean Martin, Bret Michaels, Mac Miller, Steve Nelson, Billy Strayhorn, and Mary Lou Williams, what musical talent has ever come from Pittsburgh? Especially on a college campus where few, if any, bands exist. Even though budget debates have been concerning the school for the past couple years, there are some things you simply cannot cut. My only fear is that in the near future, the members of the Board of Trustees and other administrative personnel might have to choose between cutting their own pay and cutting the Bigelow Bash budget! I guess for now we can all be content in our knowledge that both are completely appropriate. The real question is: Can Cobra Starship trump the trashy-ness and poor taste that was the Ke$ha concert? That remains to be seen. C

FOLLOW IN G IN B IG FOOT ST EPS Can Cobra Starship match the quality entertainment brought to last years Bigelow Bash by Ke$ha and her condom cannons?
ing auto-tune crap thrown in for good measure. Now after a few more albums, here is where they stand: - While the City Sleeps, We Rule the Streets; Won no awards, received a two star rating from Rolling Stone magazine. - Viva la Cobra!; Received no awards, wasnt even reviewed by Rolling Stone magazine. Most reviewers gave it 2.5/5 Stars. - Hot Mess; By far their most successful album, it peaked at number four on the U.S. Billboard 200 and received a glowing three star review from Rolling Stone magazine. The propulsion to this incredible success can be found in the form of the hit single Good Girls Go

NORDENBERG ADDRESSES SH*TTY MEMES

MIKE CITROLA staff writer PITTSBURGHMemes have been a staple of the Internets underground for years now but their recent rise in popularity comes with a cost. In the past few months, it seems that the funny relatable statement/picture combo has been adopted by masses of unknowingly unfunny college kids. Now, oodles of bland and humorless memes are produced every day and Pitt students cannot avoid partial blame. They write and share deplorable memes on an hourly basis, relentlessly littering the Facebook walls of innocent friends and peers. Chancellor Nordenberg issued a statement on these memes defamation of Pitts reputation: Okay, very funny, guys, but we gotta pipe down on this meme business. I mean, some of them are still funny but its like, really? A paranoid parrot about missing the ele-

vator? A most interesting man in the world about people with colds sniffling in class? Youre kidding me, right? Youre taking this a bit far. Were not WVU, here, we have a little bit of a reputation to maintain but these memes make you guys look like unfunny douchebags. A bunch of the memes dont even try to be funny or relatable anymore. People are just sharing things to look cool. Like, just because you post the meme about how different groups think about ravers doesnt mean anyone believes you raveyour parents dont think you spend their money on ecstasy, Josh, they probably know youre a friendless virgin. So please, for the love of God, stop writing shitty memes about the line at Einsteins, stop sharing shitty memes about how people think of Asians, and start focusing on your academics for a little. Youre beating a horse thats been dead for months. Just stop. Nordenberg urges all Pitt students to boycott terrible Internet memes before everyone at the school becomes that guy. He also begs fellow faculty to join his plight in convincing students to cut it out before this trend becomes too powerful to kill. B

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Starbucks fledgling Blonde Coffee was similarly well received. Normally, if I want weak coffee, I just pollute it with all natural water, sheep milk from only black sheep, or the occasional used joint, explains B. Fouritwuzkool. But this is better. Its the equivalent of going from being a Two Pabst Blue and Through to a 45 Colt 45 in the coffee department. This way I can use all money on coffee so I can truly be poor. I

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THE PITTIFUL NEWS

FEBRUARY 24, 2012

BRACKETING FOR SUCCESS

LACY PINYOT staff writer I can practically hear it now the whistles of the referees, the student sections roaring profanities, the gasps before that final shot at the buzzer, the squeaking of sneakers on ponds of sweat! Ah yes, beloved March. Oh how Ive missed you so. Its a campus-wide epidemic as students put aside their Biology notes and plastic Vladimir fifths and begin brushing up on their Bracketology. Parents and teachers alike show concern as students as young as three days old fall deep into the addiction of choosing madness over midterms. But only one team can be the champion of the NCAA Mens Division I Basketball Tournament! Who will be the winner this year? This question never posed a problem for me in past years, as I upheld one clear and simple strategy for choosing my winning team each and every year: Pitt. I was raised to bleed blue and gold; I eat only blue and gold food; and I cry blue and gold tears. However, after a lifetime of never seeing my dreams (or my bracket) come true, I have decided to employ a new strategy this year. Now let me make myself clear, Pitt will always be my number one, and I will forever root for the Panthers. But due to my current financial state (eat-cup-o-noodle-everyday -broke) I decided it was in my best interest to actually try and win some money this year. That is why I have devised my full proof, guarantee win strategy in which I meticulously combine the teams best jersey colors, their most attractive players, and the cutest mascots. See Figure 1 for a simple break down of the equations that I have so generously provided for you to use on your very own bracket. Nonsense you say? Hardly. Lets take for example last years final two teams: Connecticut and Butler. Using hexadecimal code we can substitute in the team colors for c n however, both teams jersey colors are white and blue and will subsequently cancel out. Next, using facial symmetry, average time spent on court, and other factors we calculate the teams attractiveness rate (yn). Finally, we evaluate the mascot score (gn) based on furriness, gymnastic ability, and potential to fight the other teams mascot. After all of the calculations, Kemba Walkers impeccable smile and the sheer adorableness of a fluffy blue-eyed husky give UConn the win. With the Huskies being the 2011 Champions, my strategy and equations hold true! Happy Bracketing! C

PHANTOM MENACE 3D RECEIVES 7 NOMINATIONS

ZACH ALCORN staff writer Some things require just a little added depth. Such seems to be the attitude of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, who announced that the 3D re-release of Star Wars: Episode 1 received seven Oscar nominations, including Best Picture, Best Actor in a Leading Role, Best Directing, and Best Adapted Screenplay. The announcement was met with the delight of critics and fans alike, many of whom were outraged after the original 1999 release received only three nominations and no wins. Though some believe the nominations to be an acknowledgment of the Academys previous snubbing, Academy spokesperson Holden McGroin is quick to clarify that it is the 3D conversion that makes this version fully worthy of accolades. The original version lacked a certain depth of plot and character development, said McGroin. This new release adds a whole new dimension to the story. A nomination sure to please fans is that of Jar Jar Binks for best supporting actor. Jar Jars already stunning acting is given a whole new level of nuance in 3D, raved New York Times film critic Michael Hunt. He is a shoo-in for the Oscar, which should provide the jump start his struggling acting career needs. Though the screenplay is near-identical to the original 1999 script, subtle tweaks made by director George Lucas qualify it for the Best Adapted Screenplay award. Lucas demonstrated his masterful ability to tweak timeless nostalgia when changing the famous cantina scene in Star Wars Episode IV, and showed the same careful hand with Phantom Menace. If you thought that making Greedo shoot first was an improvement, wait until you see what theyve done with Episode I! tweeted excited fan Hugh Jass after the midnight premier. Phantom Menace joins a slew of previously released movies that are undergoing 3D conversion this year, including Disney classics The Lion King and Beauty and the Beast. Each has been met with overwhelming acclaim and a clamoring for a 3D Blu-Ray release for the exploding 3D-TV market. The other nominations given to Phantom Menace include Best Visual Effects and Best Blatant Exploitation of a Fan Base. H

Briefs with the Chief

KELSEY HENKE editor-in-chief

OCCUPY PITTSBURGH STUDENT RE-ASSIMILATION PLAN HAS RADICAL SUCCESS

A new organization, Anti Politicizing Assimilation Training of Hopeless Youth, has formed on University of Pittsburghs campus to help assimilate students formerly associated with the Occupy Movement back to college culture. A.P.A.T.H.Y. was formed earlier this month following the eviction of protestors from the Mellon Green. The primary goal of the program is to help realign the priorities of student protestors, encouraging them to rid themselves of their unpleasant political habits and reminding them of the honorable activities of studentship such as reading Texts from Last Night, playing strip versions of party games and taking naps. Although former Occupiers were initially resistant of the organizations program, recently all report a positive reformation. Says one participant: Im just glad I finally realized its not worth worrying about governmental and economic inequity when my mind should be focused on more important things such as the content of my news feed or whats happening on Jersey Shore. Other participants report that they havent even had time to think about the current state of the economy because they have been too busy planning a CEOs and corporate hos themed party. Thanks to the efforts of A.P.A.T.H.Y., residents of Pittsburgh can sleep soundly knowing that those creative and passionate minds behind the Occupy Pittsburgh Movement arent doing anything dangerous like registering voters or spreading the word about oppressive corporatist tactics.

NEW DUBSTEP SUBGENRES GAINING POPULARITY

Brostep, the aggressive-fist-pump-inducingwobble-wobble offshoot of dubstep may soon find competition in the mainstream market. Music critics have identified dozens of new dub breeds that are rapidly gaining an American fanbase. Most notable among these new genres is farmstep. Farmstep attracts listeners with the captivating sounds of bass womps and animal noises. German born artist RDICLUS has become the figurehead of the Farmstep movement, gaining the attention of EDM fans with his single My Name is Bingo, a mid-frequency track that combines the sounds of dog barks, tractor engine sounds and ambient synthesizers. The American scene has also taken to flybathon, a reggaeton plus bothersome insect inspired electronic sound and stepstep, a drum and bass style that samples the sounds of people walking. In the Pittsburgh area, a minimalist genre called woahstep characterized by songs entirely made of just a single 4 minute bass sound, has gained popularity. A

F IG URE 1. wills butler | staff wizard

THE PITTIFUL NEWS

FEBRUARY 24, 2012

4 By then we knew Erdoan wasnt going to accept our terms on the word genocide, said Ryan Jefferies, a staff worker at the conference. So we decided to re-focus our attention on the issue of the existence of President Sargysan. The issue was swiftly handled by President Obama, who lured the two squabbling presidents into a locked room until Erdoan resolved his differences and stopped acting like a fucking child. After three hours, Erdoan agreed that Sargysan consists of human substance. Still unresolved, however, was the issue of acknowledging the Armenian nation. It seemed as though the Turkish Prime Minister wouldnt budge on this issue, but with only two hours of negotiations remaining, a breakthrough was made. Fine. Whatever. Armenias a country, said an exhausted Erdoan. But we still have more oil exports and a stronger military than them. Plus their women are mad hairy. The European Union is now in the preliminary phase of staging a similar conference with Erdoan. Sponsors of the newly proposed conference hope to address other bat-shit crazy laws in Turkey such as the countrys recurring bans on Youtube and insulting Turkishness. F

CONGRESS EXPERIENCES ECSTACY

RORY COBLE staff writer WASHINGTON D.C.Congress shut down early today when the political discourse dissolved into awkward dancing, light shows, and vague conversations about life and love. The situation decayed to the congressional aide, John Furbanks, insistence that a group of filibustering senators try the illicit substance, MDMAalso known as ecstasy or molly. To convince the aged Senators to try the euphoriainducing stimulant, Furbank used some tried and true drug pushing. Man, it makes talking and dancing and cuddling like the best things, you know, said Furbank. If you take this, youll be able to make such a good point inside your ramble that the opposition will have to cave. After systematically falling to peer pressure, the six Senators who were preparing to filibuster the passing of the Act Criminalizing the Indoctrination of Dependents began to talk. Then a sneakily prepared group from the opposition who was in support of the bill pulled out finger lights, laser pointers, and dry ice. Distracted from whatever it was they were talking about, the sextet of congressmen stared, transfixed as the democrats weaved their lights in a transient tapestry. Furbank, sensing a chance to make some quick cash, began selling vowels. Primarily he dealt in Es. As the party spread throughout the Senate, the House of Representatives felt left out and decided to crash the Senate. At this point, three people with light gloves and a few D.J.s had sprung up, allowing things to really get rolling. Several representatives, still trying to find Molly or her friend Lucy, decided to use the new open forum to discuss their more fringe political aspirations. They were met with discussions on the pattern of a fellow congressmens tie or the phone numbers of inexplicable seventeen year-olds. From there, the congressional session turned rowdier as dubstep and drum and bass replaced the trance and house music. Clothing was lost, glow sticks were distributed, and three aides spent 30 minutes having a very strange conversation with the police. Rick Santorum, who happened to be in the area at the time, was quoted redacting his stance on homosexuality, This one dude, he was gay, gave a really awesome back rub in exchange for a policy change on wait, shit, can you feel that bass? Hold on. Following that, the presidential hopeful danced for four hours on the edge of the crowd. As the night grew long and the politicians grew tired, Furbank, the D.J.s, and the aides that werent too fucked to understand time quietly vanished through the side doors. Everyone else was escorted by security to their loved ones so they could come down in peace. G

TURKISH MINISTER GRUDGINGLY RECOGNIZES EXISTENCE OF ARMENIA

JOHN MEYER staff writer BURLINGTON, VTDiplomats and human rights activists around the world rejoiced as Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdoan acknowledged the existence of the Armenian nation. Erdoans astonishing concession ended a 16 day negotiation in Burlington, Vermont that was scheduled to close this Thursday at noon. The meeting, which is known by the acronym TARC (Turkish-Armenian Relation Conference), was initially called to encourage Erdoan to use the word genocide to describe the deportation and subsequent killing of Armenian citizens from 1915 to 1923. Although the ambitious goal wasnt reached, members of the American State Department were nonetheless pleased with the result. Its certainly regrettable that President Erdoan was unable to meet our terms on the word genocide, said Secretary of State Hilary Clinton. However, you cant acknowledge genocide without recognizing the existence of a people. So theres at least some victory in our efforts. Right? The TARC conference, which was heavily criticized for its initial lack of results, was locked in a stalemate from day one. On the first day Prime Minister Erdoan called [Armenian] President Sargysan a dirty non -Turkish pig and dumped a pot of coffee onto him, explained U.S. diplomat Sandra Cohen. Of course, in his mind that cant be described as an ethnically-motivated attack, because Sargysan supposedly provoked him. Erdoans stubbornness was a common theme throughout the week. According to American diplomats, the Turkish Prime Minister also staunchly refused to acknowledge the existence of Armenian President Serzh Sargysan. Even after the seventh day of negotiations when Erdoan agreed to poke Sargysans shoulder, the Turkish Prime Minister accused the American diplomatic team of creating an automaton duplicate of the Armenian President. In the midst of this mindless gridlock, officials were relieved when a message from The White House arrived with news that President Barack Obama would be appearing for the remaining three days of the conference. Obama spent most of the first day in private meetings with Erdoan. Initially, the Turkish Prime Minister was completely resistant to Obamas total horseshit suggestions about the genocide. Quickly realizing the futility of their efforts, the American diplomatic team decided to regroup.

Turkish Prime Minister Racep Tayyip Erdoan (left) disputes the existence of Armenian President Serzh Sargysan (right). On the fifteenth day of negotiations, Erdoan acknowledged the existence of Sargysan.

CONTRIBUTING STAFF
Kelsey Henke Editor-In-Chief Emma Weimer Vice President Wills Butler Senior Editor/Writer Jackie Geleta Business Manager

Sophia Taborski Senior Writer Emily Croushore Senior Writer Samantha Proctor Senior Writer Rory Coble Staff Writer Lacy Pinyot Staff Writer John Meyer Staff Writer Zach Alcorn Staff Writer Chriss Son Staff Writer Mike Citrola Staff Writer

THE PITTIFUL NEWS

FEBRUARY 24, 2012

DARWIN IN MY WAFFLE
SAMANTHA PROCTOR senior writer PITTSBURGH, PAPossible addition to the global argument of religion vs science, Pitt freshman A******* L**** finds a symbol from, not God, but science in her snack!! We are all very familiar with the series of photographs of depicting religious figures in our daily snacks such as peanut butter and buttered toast; but you never see an example of this coming from the scientific side of the debate! Well Friday night (tonight right now but when you read this it will be a few weeks from now so now is technically a few weeks ago from your perspective) a young ambitious Pitt freshman came to the Pittiful News Headquarters to share her experience: A: It was surreal, I have experienced faltering faith in the hard facts and evidence represented in Scientific belief, but seeing the image of a small vanilla space ship on the inside of my Lunchables cookie just really solidified my stance on the matter. I will never again doubt Science! Hallelujah! All praise Science! Because this argument generally is claimed by religious fanatics and seen as proof for their cause, we assume that the tides will be turning in favor of the scientific side with this new claim. Finding this cookie was just the evidence and and PR that scientists needed to promote their observations. Word on the Street: Random Guy: I never could buy the whole: The universe is full of radio waves that we can asses and are rapidly expanding; there was just no hard evidence, like there arent books written about SCIENCE, there are books about religion though, like the bible and stuff? Also, also, I feel like science should really step up on the big events with free food and stuff, Christians do that shit all the time, but scientists never invite me to bible study and family picnics. I basically just dont trust the scientist perspective because they dont do anything cool and mystical. I mean, theres no risk in believing their claims! Wheres the edge? With Religion you really never know if youre beliefs are profound or just naive and science is just too logical to have the same affect. Well, there you have it. Our science-snack-source has informed us that she plans to start canvassing extremist religious groups in order to spread the sign sent from science validating their claims. I think with a few more acts of faith such as this one, scientists can get more random guys on the street to believe their silly ramblings.

F OOD

W ITH F ACES

Can a piece of bread make you a believer?

MAY THE ODDS EVER BE IN YOUR FAVOR

EMILY CROUSHORE senior writer PITTSBURGH, PAIt is official. The 76th Hunger Games will take place in the heart of Oakland come this March. The Dean, as well as a few, secret professors will select this years tributes for the games. Keeping with tradition, two undergraduate-students, one male and one female, will be chosen from each of the Universities oncampus housing dormitories. Additionally, this year will accept volunteers to replace those lucky few selected for the games. Come out and support your dormitory! The winner of the Hunger Games will earn free meal plans, free tuition, and a sleek bow-and-arrow set!

It eliminates some parents financial burden because they potentially will have one less child to support and run them into the ground with debt.

The Hunger Games have been around as long as any Pittsburgher can remember. From the first year the school opened, the Hunger Games has offered students the opportunity to receive free room and bored, as well as an additional prize. The University has participated in the games due in part to the ever-increasing freshman applicants each year. In an attempt to decrease the schools population, make more room for classrooms, and decrease its costs, the staff devised the Hunger Games. Further, it eliminates some parents financial burden because they potentially will have one less child to support and run them into the ground with debt. Clearly, the Hunger Games are nothing less than a blessing for all. Even the tributes are fighting to the death, literally, for a good cause! As of next week, the Dean and the Universitys staff will be accepting volunteer applications for tributes. If you feel confident in your killing talents, bow-and-arrow aim, or defensive skills please come out and participate in this exuberating tradition.