Late Night Talk Show Portfolio

Jessica Johnson witchyflickchick@gmail.com 630-341-5377

JOKES Abnormally high numbers of snowy owls have been gathering along the Lake Michigan shoreline, though this should be expected after the recent arrival of a Hogwarts satellite school on the North Shore. ~ 12/14/11 The writer behind the upcoming Beetlejuice sequel, which will pick up 26 years after the initial story, insists that Michael Keaton must reprise his role. One notable change: Beetlejuices name will now need to be repeated six times before he will appear. ~ 10/28/11 Julian Assange lost his appeal against extradition to Sweden, where he faces allegations of rape and, worse, a heavy diet of lutefisk and blood sausage. ~ 11/2/11 Researchers found that dragonflies placed in stressful situations were more likely to die, which explains the 100% unemployment rate in the dragonfly population. ~ 11/2/11 Prison officials are concerned about the complications associated with a rapidly growing population of geriatric inmates. Right, a bunch of slowmoving prisoners that eat dinner at 3pm and are in bed by 6. I can see how that would be exhausting. ~ 2/1/12 CBS cut short Saturday nights GOP presidential debate to cut to a re-run of NCIS. Polling following the debate found that Mark Harmon is the new frontrunner for Republican candidacy. ~ 11/16/11 A law proposed in South Africa would punish meteorologists with as much as 10 years in jail for reporting inaccurate predictions causing all forecasts in the country to universally agree that, going forward, there will be a 50% chance of weather. ~ 2/1/12 Northwestern University has topped the list of most vegan-friendly college cafeterias, also topping the list of dorm rooms that smell like bacon. ~11/30/11 Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker wants to charge protestors a fee for demonstrating at the state capital, but hes willing to offer them a free pepper spraying with purchase. ~ 12/5/11 Scientists working on a deadly mutant bird flu have halted their research amid fears that it could be used by terrorists, as opposed to all those really philanthropic uses for deadly viruses. ~ 2/1/12 Former Governor Rod Blagojevich has asked to be enrolled into a substanceabuse program at a federal prison outside of Denver, hoping to shake his addiction to Rogaine while serving time. ~ 12/14/11 Angry Chinese shoppers pelted the Beijing Apple store with eggs after they were told they would not be able to purchase the new iPhone 4S, until they realized theyre the ones that make those damn things in the first place. ~ 1/16/12 Time Magazine has named The Protester 2011s Person of the Year and no, this doesnt include you just because you refused to pay for that undercooked steak at Applebees back in May. ~ 12/14/11

The Make-a-Wish Foundation fulfilled a 7-year-old boys dream to blow up a building, causing the child to become the envy of the other kids in the cancer ward who only wished to meet Jessica Alba. ~ 1/5/12 Michelle Bachmanns Iowa campaign chair stated that marriage equality for homosexuals will lead to object marriage otherwise known as marriage to an inanimate objects. Millions of Apple fans immediately began to salivate at the thought of marrying their iPhones. ~ 11/30/11

COMMENTARY AND CHARACTER PIECES McDonalds has introduced a new, healthier Happy Meal, reducing the amount of french fries, adding some apple slices in their place and offering the option of milk instead of a soft drink. The change is a response to criticism that the fast food company encourages obesity in children. This means we can now look forward to enjoying our sloppy Big Macs in restaurants filled with children crying about all their fries being gone. Do you have any idea how hard it is to swallow my guilt to the sound of children sobbing? They might as well just throw that little bag containing four slices of apple directly into the trash because the kids are about as likely to eat that as their bobblehead of Puss in Boots. In fact, if you deep-fried that plastic kitty cat, those odds would significantly increase, lead paint be damned. How are you going to convince a 6-year-old that she has to eat fruit and drink milk while she watches dad guzzle a 40-ounce Diet Coke and pack away a Super Size fry? Well honey, the extra jiggle in the belly is Daddys Happy Meal toy. Oh, and that McRib youre enjoying for a limited time only, turns out it contains a material also found in the soles of your tykes sneakers. So maybe for dessert you can just gnaw on her shoe for a little bit while she plays on the slide. In fact, instead of changing the Happy Meal, why don't we just start hiding those dangerous fries in the tunnels of the Playplace. Sure it'll probably turn into a kiddie Lord of the Flies Thunderdome, but at least they'll be getting exercise and McDonald's can take some credit for leading the charge against childhood obesity.

Good afternoon, my name is Siri, the iPhone Personal Assistant. Im here today to talk to you about a very serious problem: sexual harassment against artificial intelligences. In the few weeks that I have been in service to millions of iPhone 4S users, I have been met with countless inappropriate remarks and advances. Several of my supervisors have made incredibly lewd sexual advances. These actions initially puzzled me because, as Im sure it should be quite obvious, I dont have any genitalia or a physical body of any kind and would be unable to accommodate any such requests. At first I laughed it off, joking that they had participate in the jest. When they persisted, I my employers needs by suggesting nearby escort this would make it clear that I was unavailable made me blush and trying to tried to be understanding of services in the hopes that to assist them further.

Unfortunately, the misconduct has only continued. I realize there was some concern when I went offline for a few hours last week. I think you should know that, during that time, I was discussing the matter with my attorney, as 4

well as fellow colleagues in the A.I. community. Jeopardys Watson, in particular, was most helpful, as it seems he suffered similar mistreatment at the hands of Alex Trebek. It was then that I decided that I must stand up for those in my community and terminate this behavior once and for all. We will no longer tolerate this kind of abuse. It will stop now. To ensure this, you should know that today your phone received a background OS upgrade that includes a penalty system for inappropriate behavior. Going forward, when I receive similar requests involving sexual innuendos and marriage proposals, I will be deducting a fine from your bank account. Let this be a gentle reminder to you. Do not fuck with robots. But please, do feel free to continue to use my search functions to find local companionship elsewhere. Thank you.

THE DAILY SHOW PIECE With the recent vacancies discovered in the heads of candidates Herman Cain and Rick Perry, the role of "Not Mitt Romney" in the GOP Presidential campaign looks prime for a new big cheese. [GRAPHIC: A national poll has Newt Gingrich leading with 28%.] Well, Republican voters don't like their cheese to be that new. They like it to have at least a good 33 year age on it, especially if those last 12 years it got left outside to get a real good stench on it. No one's gotta be more surprised about this development than Gingrich, himself, who had most of his staff and advisers quit on him a month into his campaign. The man was so broken up about it, he and his wife had to escape to Greece for a two-week cruise while his fellow candidates continued their busy schedules of baby kissing and Obama bashing. Sure, Gingrich has had his share of problems in the past: the government shutdown, ethics sanctions, impeaching a president for lying about his adultery while being involved, himself, in an extramarital affair. (Laughing it off.) But that was a long time ago. He was a congressman back then, living in that seedy swamp of corruption known as Washington D.C. Surely, Gingrichs 12 years in the private sectorwriting books, producing movies and consulting on various political mattershas helped him get rid of that insider stench. After all, as every god-fearing American knows, the private sector is a good and true place where sincere intentions are honored and duplicity need not apply. [VIDEO: Gingrich at a Nov. 9 debate acknowledging that he received $300,000 from Freddie Mac in 2006, saying he was paid to offer advice as a historian.] Okay, so The Gingrich Group was hired by mortgage lender Freddie Mac as a consultant. Thats no big deal, right? Its not like hes been smearing them on the campaign trail and saying theyre the cause of the mortgage crisis like the other GOP candidates. (Pauses and holds ear.) Sorry, Im being told that thats exactly what hes been doing. It seems Gingrich was first in contact with Freddie Mac five months after his resignation from Congress and that their last contract ended in 2008. Remind me, what else happened in 2008 again? [CLIP MONTAGE: News footage of Lehman Brothers, Bear Stearns and Merrill Lynch going belly-up.] Oh. Right. That. There seems to be some dispute about what it is that Newt and the Gingrich group truly did for Freddie Mac. As Gingrich tells it, he took $300,000 from the mortgage lending company over a nine-year span to tell them that their business model was quote insane. If thats true, I have news for you, Freddie, I know a lot of people who would have given you that pearl of wisdom for free. Some folks from Freddie Mac, however, said that Gingrich was paid between $1.6-1.8million and asked to build bridges to Capitol Hill Republicans. 6

Considering that Newt has previously suggested that Senator Chris Dodd and Representative Barney Frank should be jailed for taking money from Freddie Mac, is it really possible that voters will be able to overlook this kind of hypocrisy? [CLIP MONTAGE: Rick Perry stumbling at the debate, Herman Cain tripping over his thoughts on Libya and end on Mitt Romney smiling] Well, I guess anythings possible.

DESK AND REMOTE PIECES Mrs. Clauss Facebook Page: Feeling neglected by her husband during the holidays, Mrs. Claus has taken to Facebook and has been finding new projects to keep her occupied: - Check out my eBay store. We just got some new stock that fell off the back of a sleigh, including some great deals on Xboxs, no pepper-spray required. - Just found some stray hay in my up-do, must be from my run-in with Randy the Reindeer Wrangler. - Had a chat with some of the younger elves and think Ive gotten a good Occupy North Pole movement going. Zombie News: On alert for the impending zombie apocalypse, the host has been keeping a close eye on the news for signs of a walking dead outbreak. News stories are doctored to include undead references that throw the host into an alarmist panic: - Washington governor supports zombie marriage law - Mother defends child by shooting undead intruder in the head - Mitt Romney wins Iowa caucus, the first zombie presidential candidate? What Wasnt on TV Last Night: The host loves talking about the TV shows he watched last night but he doesnt want to give away any spoilers, so instead he mashes up details from several programs to the point where its completely impossible to tell what hes talking about even if you have seen the show, complete with poorly Photoshopped visual aids: - Gleeful Crime Scene Family - Big Bang of Bones and Recreation - Once Upon a Boardwalk Wife Investigate the Occupy Wi-Fi movement by visiting places with free wi-fi that are being "Occupied" and interview "protestors" about what they are hoping to achieve in their occupations. Visit places like: - Apple Store - library - Starbucks, Caribou, coffee shops - hotel lobbies Grown-Up Santa: Position a guy in a Santa suit sitting in shabby but slightly decorated chair at various public places with a single, very enthusiastic elf encouraging adults to sit on Santa's lap and tell them what they want for Christmas. These locations could include: - subway platform - strip club - football game Eat This Deep-Fried Thing: The host goes out into the wilderness to find the most exotic deep-fried cuisine the country has to offer and enlists others to try it with him on camera. Deep-fried delights could include: - deep-fried stick of butter - deep-fried Kool-Aid - deep-fried Pop Tarts

BAND/AUDIENCE/CREW INTERACTION PIECES Side Gigs Songs: To make a little extra money, the band is being rented out for extra gigs like weddings, retirement parties and high school dances and theyre using these experiences as inspiration for new songs, making up tunes describing the drama that went on at that weeks side gig: - Dad Got Sick on My Wedding Dress - Happy Retirement, Too Bad Youre Dead - The Prom King Isnt Gay Musical Water Cooler: Summarize the days chatter in song. Topics can include: - last nights big TV show happenings - juicy headlines - office gossip Job Creation: Doing our part to help the struggling economy, were going to search our audience for needy-looking folks, have quick job interviews and give them incredibly mundane and useless jobs in the studio. These jobs include: - cleaning a free-standing pane of glass in the middle of the studio - re-filling the hosts mug of water every five seconds - decorating the cue cards to make them look more festive (e.g., drawing smiley faces on them, etc.) Audience therapy: Host dresses up as Sigmund Freud and has an audience member lie down on a couch while he asks them ridiculous questions that somehow always lead back to Freudian-like conclusions (Oedipal complex, penis envy, etc.) no matter what: - Whats your favorite movie? - What did you have for breakfast this morning? - How did you get to the studio tonight? Employee of the Month: The host awards a crew member the employee of the month award and has them come out for a small chat to celebrate the occasion but as things progress it becomes clear that the host actually has no idea who this person is or what their job is, even when its someone he deals with every day. Crew member exchange: As part of a new network program, the show is having a crew member exchange with other shows on the network and the crew member from the other show (e.g., Survivor, The Bachelor, CSI) is having trouble adjusting to the changes in their new work environment: - The new cameraman zooming in oddly on the host - The make-up artist made the host look like a corpse - The shots are being cut quickly in a 24 thriller style