Conflicts arise when one or more people perceive a threat, whether it is real or not.

When we find ourselves in a conflict, we can: Listen to what is felt as well as what is said Not worry about winning or losing, but agreeing Figure out what the issue is. Is it a present problem, or old unresolved conflict? Pick our battles: Does it really matter? Be willing to forgive & forget Be ready to agree to disagree & move on Its easy to tell people to forgive & forget, or focus on agreeing, but its more difficult to do so in reality. If we remain calm, control our behavior, and pay attention to the feelings expressed, we can come out of a conflict without violent words or actions. Most people become angry in conflict because they feel that

they are being disrespected. The angry person is especially sensitive to feeling disrespect. If we treat them respectfully, we can more successfully negotiate the situation. Conflict can make people angry, but this doesnt move them past the conflict. Dont be defensive; you dont need to be.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Conflict Resolution Education www.ojjdp.ncjrs.org/pubs/violvi ct.html#160935 U.S. Department of Justice Conflict Resolution Virtual Library http://ericcass.uncg.edu/virtuall ib/conflict/conflictbook.html U.S. Department of Education Peace Under Pressure www.usdoj.gov/kidspage/getinv olved/2.htm U.S. Department of Justice Youth In Action Bulletins www.ojjdp.ncjrs.org/pubs/youth inactionsum.html U.S. Department of Justice Youth Violence: A Report of the Surgeon General www.surgeongeneral.gov/librar y/youthviolence/default.htm Department of Health and Human Services

Available Resources
www.unifiedsolutions.org 1-866-safe youth EUP Community Dispute Resolution Center 1-800-873-7658 / 906-2539840 Best Practices of Youth Violence Prevention www.cdc.gov/ncipc/dvp/bestpracti ces.htm

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How to Resolve Conflict Without

Agree with them! There is usually 2% truth in what an angry person is saying. Find the 2% and agree with it. Apologize; state what occurred that wasnt right or fair. Youll know what to apologize for if you were listening respectfully. Invite criticism. Ask what they are angry about. Do not stand facing each other; turn to an angle Do not stare them down; this is a threat Do not point or shake fingers; again, a threat DO NOT smile; this looks like mockery Dont argue; this is pointless.

Violence (threat of harm) is never the answer.

Step 1: De-Escalation (Violent confrontations send us into fight-or-flight mode; not fighting is unnatural. We must appear calm, even when terrified.)

Conflict is normal! Anger is natural! Violence is bad for everyone. Conflict and Anger can be used in constructive ways.

Neat Tricks for when People Behave Poorly

If conflict gets out of hand, you would be best off if you: Allow extra physical space between you Dont get loud just because they are; wait until they take a breath and very calmly and respectfully make your point. Ask them to help you understand what they are saying! If they are teaching you what they want you to know, they cant attack you!

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How to Resolve Conflict Without

Step 2: Negotiation (Now that everything is calm, we can address the issue that was the source of the conflict.) 1. Know Thyself, and take care of thyself. You have the right to make your point just as much as anyone. 2. Clarify what you need from this conflict. What are consequences of not resolving this conflict? 3. Identify a safe place for negotiation. You might need an impartial witness. 4. Take a listening stance in the interaction. Try to hear the words that you are saying. If you were a bystander, would you understand the argument being made? 5. Assert your needs clearly and specifically. 6. Be flexible in problem solving. Its not about winning, but compromising. Compromise is not losing, it is being cool. 7. Manage impasse* with calm, patience, and respect. Youre both in the same boat at this point in time. 8. Build an agreement together that works. Make it work. *Impasse when you hit a dead end. Take a break, try again later. Maybe try to find new solutions that work for both.

Step 3: Maintain resolution Once you have solved your problem, stay nice, and hopefully your former adversary will, too. We all have to see each other every day; thats life. Violence is the intentional use of force or power, threatened or actual, with resultant harm or potential harm. This is no way to solve problems. Harm caused by violence can be physical, like when someone gets in a fight. It can also be psychological, like when someone calls somebody else a name or yells at them.

How lame is it to try to win an argument by calling names? Thats what third graders do.